"You can't trust humans"

That's the usual saying that other humans say about other humans.

Quite frankly, having lived for a couple thousand years, I'd actually argue that humans are actually very trustworthy and straight to the point. Just uh- what's the English word for that? Ah yes - Forgetful.

The Seven Deadly Sins: Pride, Greed, Lust, Envy, Gluttony, Wrath and Sloth

All of these "sInS" are just humans being forgetful.

Pride: Easy. Humans just forget where they have come from, so they make up identities for themselves and stick to them, only to forget again later (one day they call themselves Persians, then Romans, then Mongolians, then Chinese, then Persian again, like for the love of Yahweh please write this down so you don't forget).

Greed: Also easy, they forget the lessons of their predecessor civilizations about accumulation of capital and how greed ends up self-destructing (another thing about educating the next generations fucking Hell - actually not as scary as people might believe).

Lust: Sex is natural, the Father encourages it (he also watches us all the time, I sometimes have to pray for him to not watch). We just keep forgetting the condoms and the birth control, c'mon most of these parents aren't ready for parenthood nor the drama (trust me, I've had thousands of families and shit never gets easy).

Envy: Jealousy is stupid, it ties back to forgetting what we actually want and thinking maybe other people have it (Jesus died for this bullshit, so why do y'all keep forgetting).

Gluttony: Eat, eat, eat. Three meals a day is enough, but sometimes we forget, but heck one meal a day is fine too, it's called being sensible with your needs. Also, who the fuck came up with "being a foodie," eating food is not a personality.

Wrath: Anger is an emotion. Sometimes it's justified, sometimes it's not, so please remember to self-reflect if you're making decisions based on impulse (The Father set a pretty bad example a few million years ago with this shit, and yes, million years ago).

Sloth: Sleep is also natural. Laziness is good for the soul (souls are real I see them). Just don't forget to do other things in your day, you only have about 100 years to do stuff (I've lived for a couple thousand and time still moves just as slow).

See all of these sins can just be explained by humanity just having a lapse in their cerebral. Not one of these sins have anything to do with the trustworthiness of humans.

My good friend Marcus (Aurelius, swell guy, but kind of a dick) once asked me about that, and I just told him that it's pretty simple to read people based on what they do and what they say, but it comes down to understanding oneself. I told him you just have to measure the "elements" inside yourself and practice reminding yourself of the things you do, so you're the same whole person, but also not. I said it was like stoichiometry, but with people.

Last I heard, I think he ended up rolling with it, but he called it Stoicism or something, which I'm kind of salty about because he didn't reference me in his meditations (pretentious asshole). Though, the only reason I was talking to him was because he converted to Christianity and wanted to brag about God saving his army or some shit (I have a speed dial prayer line directly to the Father himself, so I don't know why he was bragging).

Anyways, I built all this context up because I was standing here in my underwear in the middle of nowhere California trying to rationalize a few things.

First off, a literal female toddler with no parents in sight is crying and wailing in the middle of my grapevine in the middle of nowhere (like there are no major cities for at least 10 miles, and the nearest town is by no means close).

Second, she is sitting in what I would like to assume is a spaceship(??)- all these glowing lights, the metallic luster, and the aerodynamic shape is telling me that this is a straight up rip-off of a superhero origin story.

Lastly, there's an attached note tied to her wrist (she appears human?) with really impressive penmanship that says, "To my dearest friend Matt."

As I saw this note, I could already tell that this can only be from one being and one being alone-The Father. FUCK he's doing it again.

Every time the Father would send a note in the form of a letter, it always rang of a bad time. 

For example, have you heard of Atlantis? Yes, that ancient mythological empire that conquered and then got sank by the ocean.

Sure there are many myths and the rest, but it was a real place. Not many folks knew where it was because people were too busy conquering each other and going to war, but just one hundred years after Jesus died, the Father sent me his first letter.

Mind you, it's always addressed, "To my dearest friend Matt." It always feels oozing with sarcasm, but the Father is one hundred percent sincere.

Disclosed in the letter was a teal seashell and a few short sentences in his immaculate calligraphy: "Sorry Matt to interrupt you on your vacation, but I need you to go to Atlantis and warn them about their environmental degradation thanks! Oh and also, if you need transport to their continent the bottleneck dolphins are willing to take you just tell them I put in a referral code (ALLAH77). I'll hear you later during prayer!"

Then immediately after I finish reading, the parchment dissipates into light and leaves behind the teal seashell.

Before I go off into a tangent here, fun fact: you don't hear the ocean when you put your ear to the seashell; the seashell was actually a calling service, which is similar to modern day calling a taxi, but it was called aquatic transportation services (or ATS for short). Nowadays their services are extremely limited, so that's why you only hear their busy tone, which sounds like the ocean.

Anyways, I went off and had a crazy experience in Atlantis, which, as you can see, resulted in Atlantis not being visible to the surface world anymore. I'll talk about that story another time. 

To get back onto this situation here with this toddler, I decided to cradle the child in my arms, so that she won't make anymore noise (it's dark as space out here and her crying is really putting a damper in my already irritated mood). Then, I proceeded to open the letter and see what the Father has in store for me this time.

"Matt, this is really embarrassing, so instead of my angels coming to talk to you, I decided to send you a letter again (I know how much you love these letters!). I just want you to know that after 2000 years of great quality service, your long awaited end is nearing!" As soon as I read this part, confetti fluttered around me. "To get onto the main topic, you're probably wondering who that child is and where she came from. Well that's the embarrassing part of this, she's not from Earth, but she's someone that you've been waiting for all this time. Yes you guessed it Matt, in flesh and blood, that is my child Jess in her Second Coming!!!" At this moment, blare horns sounded and I could hear an applause track. 

As I finished reading the letter, the parchment fluttered and dissipated per usual into light particles. The letter left a golden necklace with a golden nail hanging at the end. Looking closely, I saw there were initials J.C. on it (confirming what the Father had written).

I stood there silently pondering, not really sure what to do or even how to react.

The one thing I had been waiting for for 2000 years was right in front of me, but I was so perplexed that I had a few questions for Yahweh at this point.

First, what did he mean she's not from Earth?

Second, why was Jesus now Jess?

And lastly, why did Jess have a tail?

No seriously like actually seriously... WHY DID SHE HAVE A TAIL YAHWEH?