I stood there with a bewildered look. It was evident that despite the consistent crazy things the Father had me do over the past 2000 years, there was still no predicting the god. 

As a two millennium young man, I was so surprised by this development, I couldn't even move from this spot. I was so still that even Jess, the blessed toddler, fell asleep in my arms. 

So many thoughts were cycling through my head, and to be quite fair there was just no shortage of surprises when you were dealing directly with divinity.

The impossible became possible. The improbable became probable. And it was truly difficult to really expect the unexpected.

Since the time that I began this employment with the Father, I hadn't had one single fucking easy job, but still I bit the spearhead and continued to do them.

For the most part, I was allowed the free will to refuse the requests of the Father. In fact, the Father had many prophets and pariahs to do his work. I recalled Jenny (aka Joan of Arc, a little bit too much of a fanatic; had to block her recently on PrayChat) and Tommy (Thomas Aquinas, a bit of a nerd, but well-meaning) putting in their fair share of work while I took several short 20 year vacations. 

It's just that, this job was the long awaited job to end all jobs. This was THE JOB. 

This job was so definitive of everything else that was going on that it was about to solve the ultimate question of the Book of Job.

Thus, I did what any normal human being would do in a situation like this. 

I called my therapist.

Unlike the mortals, I have a very special therapist. He happens to have wings, is the left hand of God, and is actually very patient with me (in fact, he has a god doctorate degree in child psychology aka a Go.D. in Child Psychology).

Yup that's right, Lucifer is my therapist. The Prince of Darkness, himself or herself? Hmm come to think of it, I actually never bothered to clarify since when you're divine the divide between genders and sexes are kind of a blurred line. 

So...you might be wondering why Lucifer is my therapist when he has all these other things going on like managing hell, planning the rapture, and tempting the innocent. It's actually really simple.

Lucifer loves children.

Hell doesn't really have many children, actually to clarify hell doesn't have any children (save for some of the psychopaths, but they usually atone and go back to heaven). 

Nevertheless, Lucifer was the only angel (or former angel?) that had certification to be my therapist, in addition to the fact that he doesn't necessarily tell the Father everything we talk about (really the biggest reason he's my therapist because I complain way too much about the Father and I don't think anyone really has the qualifications to make suggestions).

Thus, I pulled out my rosary from my pocket and did the sign of the cross, and prayed silently for access to PrayChat.

For those of you curious about PrayChat, it's similar to what the modern day humans call WeChat. It's an all encompassing divine access social network that allows the users to communicate with each other and leave messages. 

All things related to the divine are posted in PrayChat in a newsfeed and you can pray for more features (like PrayPal or Divine Intervention (aka the Dint App)).

As I prayed silently, my rosary began to glow an incandescent light and floated in front of me indicating that I had access to the network. 

Wawawawawawawa beeeeeeeeeeep...Click. Skrrt, boop. ACCESS GRANTED. Welcome, by the Grace of the Father Almighty who by spending seven Earth days created all of creation and brings all the beings of the Universe together in unity by sending his only progeny to bring us salvation, back Matt Shoemaker.

The convenient part of accessing the network is that no one but the person praying hears this stuff. So despite the angelic voice that could make any believer bend their knees, only I had to hear this cringy response every time (and quite frankly, the AI, Angel Intelligence, that deals with PrayChat is such a suck up).

The rosary remained suspended in front of me, with the beads creating a holographic interface. I quickly flicked through all of the features to find the PrayerLine feature.

On the PrayerLine feature, I cycled through the portraits of the Saints, Angels, and other divine beings to look for Lucifer. Normally, I would use the speed prayer feature, but that requires me chanting (which is severely inconvenient and I hope that the Father fixes it in the next patch) and Jess was already fast asleep in my arms.

Eventually, I happened upon the Prince (or Princess?) of Darkness's portrait and made my selection (the interface is incredibly responsive). 

I was extremely fortunate since it was already past midnight, which happen to be Lucifer's working hours as a psychologist/therapist, so I received a near instantaneous response.

POP! Fwoosh!

With a cloud of smoke, the stylish devil appeared right in front of me.

Lucifer was always such a showman (or showwoman?), so he always showed up with a different outfit coupled with a dramatic pose. This time he came out with dark hair slicked back, in a dark maroon tuxedo with beautifully embroidered leather shoes striking out in the classic Michael Jackson hiihii pose with his toes pointed touching the ground. 

As he appeared, his back was facing me and had not turned around yet. Regardless, Lucifer began to speak as he turned around dramatically.

"Heyyyy darling, what's goin-in-in o-oh MY ***!" 

As Lucifer turned around, her eyes began to sparkle as she spotted the child in my arms. It must have been my imagination, but I thought I saw hearts appear in Lucifer's irises.

Lucifer realized that the child was asleep, so she quickly shut her mouth and straightened herself out.

I already expected this reaction from Lucifer, but seeing it happen was still really fucking funny. The contrast between the Lucifer everyone fears and the actual child-loving Lucifer would make the entirety of humanity question themselves. 

"Ok well, congratulations on having yet another child Matt, I'm pretty certain the last time we had a session was about what, 10 years ago? To think that last time we conversed you had said you were done having kids, and yet here you are on your 680th child?"

"Wait no, this isn't why I-" I attempted to explain myself, but Lucifer cut me off, ignoring everything I tried to say (this always happens when it's child related).

"Hmm so is this going to be Matt the 9th, or oh it's a girl, so Mary the 11th? Wait no, this is 2019 A.D., so what... maybe like Maddy or Jeremy? Oh wait we should set the trend for new names!! What do you think of Tree or Apple as a name, Matt? Such cute names!!..."

Lucifer continued to spout nonsense about kids and potential names, and I couldn't interject at all. 

FUCKING HONESTLY... TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN LUCIFER AND THE FATHER.

Honestly, every single time I just don't know what to do, but to just wait it out.