"Oh I'm so sorry Matt, you know how excited I get about kids! So cute!!!" Lucifer exclaimed, quietly though.

After going on and on for about 45 Earth minutes, Lucifer had finally come to his/her senses and shut up.

I find it quite nice that the Prince/ss of Darkness is actually pretty bright when it comes to this type of stuff, so I shrugged and said,

"Don't worry about it Lucifer. I've known you for 2000 years or more at this point, I would have to call myself duller than Peter if I wasn't used to your antics by now." 

"Haha... how embarrassing. Anyways, I'm sure you're about to talk about this child in some capacity?" S/he inquired with intrigue.

I responded with a sigh and proceeded to unload my thoughts,

"Luci, why can't the Father ever be straightforward with me? I've been working with him for two full millenniums and yet he continues to assign me things with these strange hints and clues. I talk to him all the time, yet whenever it becomes serious subject matter, the Father always sends me messages through the divine parchments."

"Ah, the Father has been like that ever since I can remember. He's a fickle being and likes to keep things exciting, and new. We've talked about this over and over again, so I don't really think I can give you much more advice Matt. But I'll let you vent, so let's move to a more comfortable location!"

SNAP

Instantly, in the middle of the grapevine, our surroundings became a standard psychologist's office.

For myself, I don't really care much for the location or scenery, but Lucifer really likes to get into character when he's performing his job.

Within the room, I could smell the fresh scent of lavender, the walls were covered in plaid wallpaper, I could see some bookshelves in the left side of the room with books related to child development and other psychological subject matter. In the center of the room, there was a dark red couch and two light brown seats. On the right side of the room, lay a cradle and some children's toys (even a person like myself could tell that it was intended for Jess). 

"Please Matt, sit on the couch and get comfortable. I'll grab my clipboard and then we can get started."

Lucifer walked to her (his?) desk in the back of the room and rummaged through the drawers. I walked over to the right side of the room and put Jess into the cradle gently as to not wake her, then proceeded to the couch to lay my head back on the sides.

As Lucifer was rummaging through his desk, I wasn’t really sure what I should tell him. I knew that Lucifer made a deal with the Father that once the Christ arrived, the Antichrist was also supposed to make an appearance. 

So when Jesus was born, Lucifer was really upset because the Father had done so behind her back. It was especially upsetting since with the North star and manger theatrics, everyone in heaven, Earth, and hell could tell that the Christ was born. No surprise that Lucifer tried to send Jesus gifts in the form of temptations as he grew up, since Lucifer was a like a doting auntie.

The Father knew how much Lucifer really wanted to have his own child, so it’s truly puzzling why he didn’t mention the birth of Jesus to Lucifer. When I questioned him about it a few hundred years later, the Father responded quite surprised, “Oh the divine parchment must have gotten lost on the way to hell. I’ll have a stern talk with the dolphins at ATS the next time I’m on Earth.” That was the last I heard of that.

“Ah there it is.” said Lucifer, as he took out the glowing white clipboard. She also proceeded to snap her fingers and as a result a fiery red pen appeared in her hands.

Luci walked over and sat on the seat facing the back of my head. He cooly crossed his legs, raised up his glasses, and began writing on the parchment.

“Ok let’s get started Matathias. Before we start the session, I’m just going to go over some logistics, is that alright?”

“Ah yes.”

“Mmm okay. Since the last time we talked, you haven’t had any changes in your prayer and worship habits?”

“Uh no, I still pray the rosary once a day, and I haven’t engaged with any other deities in quite a while.”

“Matt, don’t worry everything that’s said in this room stays in this room, I will only disclose things to the Father that you wish to have him know.”

“No really Luci, I haven’t even subtly prayed to any other deity, even in jest, in over 1500 years.”

“Matt, I have here on your PrayChat log that within the past 10 years you have been listed as saying, ‘Ahh pray to the RNG gods that I get a good roll.’ Could you explain that in more detail please?”

“...”

“We have lists of thousands of deities in PrayChat, but I have never seen RNG as a denomination, so I need to be sure that you are still healthy. Hey wait! Matt why are you banging that pillow on your head!? Matt!! Matathias Shoemaker!”

I grabbed a pillow and began banging it on my head. I didn’t know that even just exclaiming the words, “pray” and “god” would immediately have PrayChat record what I said. So I responded dejectedly to Luci,

“Uuu...I was playing DnD.”

“DnD? Like Dungeons and Dragons?” Luci widened her eyes in response.

“Luci, I can explain.”

“No need Matt, I understand that some people need to blow off steam in different ways. Especially considering how many weird hobbies mortals have these days.”

“It was one of the Father’s missions ok!!! Can we just continue with the next question please?”

“Wait what? Why would the Father make you play DnD?”

“HE WAS GAMEMASTER. I didn’t join willfully.” I sighed.

Lucifer eyes twitched, and she raised her voice saying, 

“Hey that’s not fair! Why wasn’t I invited!?”

Hearing this, I had to come up with something to say that would appease Luci.

During the year we played DnD, the campaign was started by the Father and we had 4 players: Myself, Cain, Vlad (Dracula), Pope Francis. Each of us were just as confused as the other, but we were coworkers, so we all had reason to be there.

Cain had been under employment much much longer than myself almost a few hundred million years, but he was dragged into this unwillingly (we usually grab lunch or coffee in Spain to catch up once a year). 

Vlad Dracula was a new hire from Transylvania we picked up a few hundred years ago, but he’s severely allergic to garlic and gets sunburnt easily even after he was immortalized (nice guy, but a little introverted). Little known fact is that his nickname Vlad the Impaler wasn’t because of how he devastated his enemies, it was actually from being made fun of as a child. His siblings during winter would cover themselves in snow and mockingly say, “Oh look at me, I’m paler than Vlad, huhuhuhu.” It’s no wonder he’s introverted.

In terms of Pope Francis, he was recently chosen as the Pope, so the gentle old (young in our eyes) man was extremely confused to what the four of us were doing deep in the Vatican. 

To make a long story short, the Father had us play DnD regularly for about 7 years (he loves the number 7) and during one of our play throughs, I needed to roll a 15 or higher for our party to escape a conflict, so inadvertently, I yelled, “AHH PRAY TO THE RNG GODS THAT I GET A GOOD ROLL!” The irony is that even the Father had his hands clasped as I made the roll.

As I finished reminiscing, I responded to Lucifer, “The Pope was there, he would have freaked out if you had come. Remember the last time you visited the Pope?”

Lucifer pouted, “But Matt! It’s not my fault that Boniface became power obsessed. All I commented on when I first met him was, ‘Your fashion sense is kind of weak.‘ And it was true!!! I can’t be blamed for how he took my words! It’s all semantics Matt, seMANtics. He interpreted that as everything about him being weak, so he sought out to prove himself.”

I shrugged, “Whatever you say, generally speaking he was a pretty straight-laced guy, so that comment was out of nowhere. Regardless, can we please continue with the session?”

It was obvious that Lucifer had more to say, but he tensed up and sighed, 

“Yes, yes. Sorry let’s continue with the other questions.”

“Great, thank you Luci.”

She then continued with the logistical questions.

“Have you changed your Prayer Insurance?”

“Nope, you know I’ve been working with the Father from the beginning.”

“Sorry, it’s standard procedure to ask. Are you interested in trying out a new form of prayer?”

“No thank you, I’ve pray-scribed to Mama Mary, so I only take new pray-scriptions through her guidance.”

“Mmm ok…” Luci wrote out all this information on the parchment.

He proceeded to ask me a few more questions just related to my mental health, then we went and began the therapy session.