“How about this one?” X asked.

Perched on top of a tall pine branch that crossed over the road, Mau observed the incoming potential victims. “More useless slaves. There are six guards: one knight, one shock trooper, and four adventurers.”

“No good,” Nila added.

“Then quiet down and let them pass,” the elf said.

Three carriages filled with slaves passed them by. Leading the caravan was a fully armored knight riding and equally armored mutated hauling creature, while on both flanks, decently equipped adventurers lacking discipline walked. A shock trooper protected their rear. The group guarded three carriages packed with downtrodden, sick, wounded and resigned slaves, whose faces reflected their sad fates.

Calm as they had arrived, they passed through Del’vhario’s ambush. This group transported nothing worthwhile for the trio to risk their necks for or expend their limited resources on.

“How many caravans have we seen?” Nila asked.

“Four,” X answered.

They had seen several small caravans and lonely carriages pass, but the first ones didn’t carry anything worth stealing, only slaves. The others ones carried even less.

Nila and X leaned against separate trees, praying to their lucky stars a worthy caravan would pass through before night fell.

“And all useless crap!” Mau shouted.

“Damn it!” Nila exclaimed.

“I’m hungry!” the male gnome could hear his stomach nagging.

“Dusk light is not going to last for long...” Nila stared into the horizon.

“We’ll wait for one more caravan, and if nothing good crosses our path, we’ll head back,” X said.

“Hungry?” Mau didn’t like the sound of that.

“Can’t you hold it for another day?” the elf asked.

“Dunno, Ekk’s... not everyone can be a lanky fuck like you,” Nila answered. “I need my nutrients and a good beauty sleep. Gnomes, like any royalty worth a damn, are high maintenance, especially female ones, and even more so when they’re as beautiful as me.”

“Yeah, same here,” Mau seconded.

Silence fell, and the trio dozed off while waiting for another chance.

*

On this morning, X spent his time questioning the gnomes about the lay of the land. On one of the bed sheets they drew him a map—not entirely accurate, but representative enough to serve as a starting point. It showed the relative locations of Saint Jaulea, Silifran, Dureld and Kargraz. Smaller settlements lay scattered in between, but for their current plans, this information would suffice.

X polished their plans. “It should be a small enough but worthwhile caravan. We must be able to carry the crap we steal from it.”

“We’ve told you, just take us there and we’ll do the rest,” Nila gazed into his eyes.

“Magik!” Mau grinned wide.

“Yeah... you’ve told me several times already. But it must also have a small number of guards. You two understand this? Right?” X stared at them.

“Of course. You worry too much,” Mau said.

Nila seconded the male gnome, “We know our strength and how to stretch our--”

“Depleted resources?” X interrupted her.

“Almost depleted resources. We still have one shot each and two small explotents. Custom-made,” Nila grinned. “But, ah... Ekk’s... you really can’t use magik?” She twisted her face in disbelief.

“You’re just fucking with us, right? Gnome jokes and all that jizz?” Mau asked, not really believing what the elf had told them earlier.

“No, I’m not joking,” X plainly said.

Both gnomes had been laughing and cracking jokes at X’s expense since the elf had told them that he couldn’t do any sort of magik. And this time was no exception as they burst into laughter.

“Okay, we got it. But then, aren’t you like death weight?” Mau asked.

X stared at Mau and Nila, carefully choosing the right words. “It’s only a minor inconvenience.”

“How the fuck is this a minor inconvenience?” Nila exclaimed, raising her voice.

“Not everything is strength or magik. You’ll see my contributions to Del’vhario’s first hit. You just wait,” the elf spoke with confidence.

“Now, that’s something I want to see,” Nila said.

“So, we go in and kill everyone?” Mau already imagined the blood and gore.

“Do we have the resources?” X questioned the male gnome.

“No?”

“Priorities,” the elf gazed at both gnomes.

“We kill the highest ranking, sure shit!” Nila interjected.

“Yes and no. If the highest ranking is the most dangerous, yes, but if there’s a more dangerous being, we focus on that one instead,” X retorted.

“We shit on the toughest, meanest motherfucker!” Mau smiled widely.

“Yes and no. It can also be the most intelligent or anyone who tries to be the hero...” X took the time to gather his thoughts. “Look, when the time comes, I’ll tell you.” Even with his short experience in this world, the redheaded elf knew he could choose the right targets better than the two easily excitable gnomes before him. “We also don’t want to attract too much heat, at least not now that we are starting out.”

“Sounds easy enough, boring, but... easy,” Nila’s voice sounded disappointed.

“Not our style. We superior gnomes need to go all in! You know?” Mau wouldn’t budge.

“What’s your style? What’s not boring for you?” X asked both gnomes.

“Yesterday night!”

“Kaboom!”

“Sub-races minced-meat-food raining from the skies!” Nila drove the point home.

“Now that was fun as fuck,” Mau added.

“That wasn’t even you, it was the dryad’s work... but I see your point. We’ll get there. You just be patient.” The elf lightly smiled.

“And what are you gonna do?” Nila questioned X.

“It seem’s we’re doing the heavy lifting here.” Mau glanced at the female gnome, then at the elf.

“Oh, you think so? Then let’s do it your way. I’m all ears,” X retorted.

“Eh... We’re just wondering if what you’re telling us will work... In the ground, I don’t know, Ekk’s,” Mau had several questions about the elf’s plan.

“You did the modifications I told you?” the elf asked.

“Yes but.... is it going to work?”

“Of course it will... Listen, between watch out and look out duty, there’s a plethora of tasks suited only for one such as myself. You’ll be surprised,” the elf smiled at them, assuaging their concerns.

“If, we survive,” Nila stated.

“Then let’s make it so,” X interjected.

“We’ll give your plan a try, you’re a gnome after all. Everything stays within our race’s most magnificent and marvelous specimens,” Nila grinned. In the end, the gnomes didn’t have much choice and lacked the patience to ponder their options.

“Fucking yeah! And if we do fail, may the deadly abyss swallow us whole and await our exalted presence!” Mau’s spirit returned.

It amazed X how quickly the gnomes pumped each other up. A strange thought blazed his neurons. How the hell did these two gnomes have survived so far? This question’s answer would burn in him stronger for days on end as time went on, dwelling on the divine: a miracle.

*

After half an hour, another rather small caravan approached.

“Three human carriages. Human nobility... some boring-ass House standard, eleven soldiers. There’s one witch... hmm, eight knights and a shock trooper. Maybe... Yes, that’s it,” Mau exposed.

“Maybe? Aren’t you missing one from your own estimation?” X asked.

“Do we go fuck them up?” Nila’s nerves pushed her towards action.

As the caravan approached, they began whispering as loudly as they could.

“No! Jeez, those numbers are going to pulverize us!” the elf told them.

“Shit! Did you look at the third carriage?” Mau’s eyes widened.

“Of course we didn’t!” Nila replied.

“Six chest! Six! Surely filled to the brim with riches-- Wait. Damn it, a spotter!” the male gnome warned.

“Fuck, be careful,” Nila said to the gnome perched on the tree branch. “This caravan’s warded!”

“Get down from there,” X said.

“If I move he’ll see me,” Mau retorted.

“If it’s warded, he’ll detect you all the same,” the elf reasoned.

“Are you certain it’s warded?” Nila asked.

“I don’t know!”

“Damn it!”

“He’s looking at me!” Mau felt a pair of human eyes land on him.

“He’s not freaking looking at you.” X attempted to calm him down.

The caravan rode dangerously closer.

“Shut it! Let them pass,” too late to do anything, the elf advised Mau to stay put.

“Shit, run! Fuck it!” Mau’s uneasy nature drove him to move at the last moment.

“Wait! Sit back down!” X told the edgy gnome.

In his excited desperation, Mau broke the branch he was leaning on and fell right before the caravan, bringing the branch down with him.

“What the--?!” the riding knight leading the caravan yelled. “Knights! On guard!”

“What’s happening at the front? Why we stopped?” a noble spoke from inside one of the carriages.

“A gnome fell from a tree!” another knight answered.

“What?”

“Spotter! You asshole up there! Don’t fucking sleep on the job and warn us!” the leader of the knights shouted.

“Eh? Oh yes, a gnome’s on the road. And a branch,” the spotter yawned.

“Just ram through it!” another knight yelled.

“Are you paying the House it belongs to?” a third soldier retorted.

“Someone, at least, remove the branch from the road. The wheels might break,” the knight’s leader ordered. “And you, putrajado, state your name, city, and masters!”

“It has no collar,” the spotter said.

“Is it dead? It’s not moving,” a knight commented.

Behind the trees, X and Nila exchanged plans.

“Crap!” X yelped.

“Fuck it! I’m going in!” Nila exclaimed.

“No-- Wait, freaking wait!” the elf murmured loudly.

“I’ll get the spotter!” the female gnome locked onto her target.

“No! Who cares about the spotter when we’re about to be spotted. Prioritize the witch and hold the knights at their left flank. I hope Mau remembers the freaking plan,” X said to Nila.

If it was up to X, he’d be running his ass off as fast as he could, but knowing the gnomes, they’d go down with the sinking ship, even if it capsized in shallow waters.

Mau had played dead after falling and kept his eyes opened enough to observe the enemy. He barely saw their right flank, and despite his limited vision, he began casting toward a small group of stones nearby, arranged into an x under the front traction beasts’ hoofs.

“I see his mouth moving!” the spotter exclaimed.

“What is he saying?” a knight asked.

“No! He’s casting!” the spotter answered.

“Kill the putrajado!” the leader ordered.

An explosion erupted from the ground between the forward traction beasts, blowing creatures and riders alike up in the sky in several big chunks of flesh.

“What the hell?!” The soldiers guarding this caravan were left dumbstruck for a few seconds.

Before the humans could organize, Nila jumped out of the forest with her deadly Sweeper—a glove-weapon—in hand. She shot one serrated blade into the witch’s throat, who fell back, gasping for breath in her final moments.

“Knights! Attack!”

As the knights positioned themselves, Mau chanted a spell on another x-shaped arrangement of pebbles on the ground at the caravan’s left flank, blowing up two other knights and half of the second carriage into pieces.

“Where are the explosions coming from?” asked an altered knight.

“The ground!” the spotter replied.

“What? How?”

The surviving knights were shocked and slowed, making them an easy target for Nila. After Mau stood up and threw his Skull Ripper at her, she aimed it in their direction and blasted off the top of the third carriage. The spotter’s torso vaporized upon contact, leaving only a red mist and four limbs, a grim remainder of his funny antics. The explosion rocked the five surviving knights at the back and on their right flank, forcing three of them down to the floor. It had been an effective first attack, but it was also the only one as the gnomes had already spent all their resources.

But before the knights could get up, a redheaded elf with golden strands raised his arms, targeting them. He caught them with their thoughts disoriented and weapons on the floor.

“Oh, you want to see my power? I’m X the Elf, the ruin of many! I wreaked havoc on those humans in Dureld, their witches, D-busters and even commanded the Herald—the Swarm—to attack them!” He stared at each pair of eyes with a murderous gaze. “Stay down, and you’ll live. I am feeling generous today. Anyone who dares to be the hero will end up crispy... ready to be eaten by my gnome comrades.”

On the other side, Nila stood, pointing the empty Skull Ripper and her Sweeper at them.

“My violent partners want me to burn you, to hear your screams as my fire magik engulfs you inside your armor, roasting flesh and bone alike! They’re hungry... Can you blame them?” The elf scanned the faces of the middle-aged knights. “Do you have kids? Do you want to see them again? Do you want to be able to please your women?” X continued with his theatricals gestures, speaking nonsense. “Oh, forces of the underground, I call on to thee--”

“Stop! Stop!” several knights pleaded.

“I freaking thought so! And don’t move, not a single finger!” X grinned.

While X’s monologue continued, the gnomes hurried on to the third carriage from which Mau took out two chests.

“Hurry up! My blood boils, and I don’t know how much longer I can contain my power!” X shouted at the gnomes, knowing his acting could only take him so far.

Nila stopped at the first carriage where she saw a noble family—a wife, a husband and their child—visibly frightened. Climbing onto the carriage’s door, she looked at the noble’s child, who clutched a bag of cookies.

“Give me that!” she exclaimed, taking the bag from the scared kid. The noble family’s terrified faces told the whole story.

“Good thinking!” X congratulated her.

She emptied the bag, throwing the cookies onto the ground, and filled it with chunks of meat from the blown up beasts that pulled the carriages.

“What the--!”

“Real food!” She gestured towards the bloodied bag.

“I’m done. Let’s go!” Mau shouted to X as he dragged two chests into the forest.

“It’s your lucky day, vatos!” the elf shouted at the knights.

Del’vhario’s crew of bananas ran deep into the bushes.

“Fucking yeah!” the gnomes celebrated.

Mau gave one chest to Nila, and both strode quickly but carefully, dragging the chests. The trio’s spirits rose in excitement.

“That was nice!” X said.

“It was beyond nice! Did you see the bastards’ faces?” Mau replied.

After five minutes of running through her woods, Nila stopped. “Fuck it! I’m tired. Let me rest.”

Suddenly, X remembered, “Hey! The chests, aren’t those too heavy!? They’ll destroy the herbage!”

Mau and Nila smiled.

“Didn’t we tell you?” the female gnome spoke with a smug face. “We know our line of work. We put a spell on each chest, one that makes them lighter. That’s why we can drag them in the first place.”

“And we’re watching our steps... we’ll be fine,” Mau added.

“Yeah! I knew that you would come through, my gnomes!” X smiled.

“It was a perfect hit, wasn’t it?” Mau said.

“Let me take a look at the chests.” X approached the wooden containers and attempted to move one, but even with the spell he wasn’t able to make it budge. “Ah... I didn’t want to anyway.”

“You need to exercise and eat your meat,” Nila said, flashing him the bloody bag of mutated beasts-meat tied to her pants’ belt.

“Nah... I’m good,” the elf replied.

“Hey, do you hear that?” Mau interjected.

“Wait...” Nila said. “Fuck!”

The remaining knights raced through the forest in their search.

“Shit, they’re coming!” Mau shouted.

“Let’s go! Go!” X said.

Each gnome grabbed a chest and began running, but the knights were gaining on them.

“Bastards!” Mau yelled.

“Come back here, you fucking putrajados!” a knight shouted at them.

“You’re all dead!” another chimed in.

Their threats and taunts sounded louder, closer.

“Through there!” X pointed to several bushes ahead. “Hide! And when you’re alone, sprint to the farmhouse!”

“And you?” Nila asked.

“Just go!” the redheaded elf replied.

X had an idea. He had seen a flower field down below, and didn’t wait, running towards it, praying to reach it before the knights caught up to him.

“Ah! Sir knights! We won’t do it again! Well, maybe once more! But only that!” X taunted the knights to attract their attention. It worked. The knights passed the hiding gnomes and raced towards him. He reached the flowery minefield just in time and proceeded to cross through it excruciatingly carefully.

“Kill the elf!” a knight yelled to his comrade in arms.

“No, take him alive!” another corrected.

“Flank him. And be careful with any spell this shit casts,” a third knight added.

Pressing behind him, the knights crushed plants and flowers alike.

“As soon as he starts casting, everyone dash in!” a knight said.

“We’ll get him before he gets us!” another agreed.

“He’s going to--” the third knight’s words were interrupted by a monstrous shadow.

“Aahh!”

“What the hell!” the humans screamed, terrorized.

“Aargh!”

X didn’t turn around. He smiled as he escaped towards the farmhouse, feeling a pair of piercing eyes fixated on his back.

“I swear it wasn’t me! I swear! I didn’t crush any of your flowers!”