“I’m telling you,” Helades emphasized, “you'd be much happier if you tried a nice omnivore existence for another lifetime or two. You could—” 

“Please,” Simon, interrupted as he grasped onto this thin thread of hope. 

“Fine,” she said after a moment. She obviously didn’t appreciate being interrupted, and Simon cursed himself for doing it. He wasn’t trying to be rude exactly - other people just didn’t understand how important the things he was trying to say were sometimes. “If you’ve done terrible things in your previous life and you need to improve your karma you might need to spend a life or two as someone born in a terrible place or with an awful disease. War orphans. Children in times of plague or famine, that sort of thing. It’s not something you’d benefit from though, Simon. You’ll just have to trust me.” 

“What about the other one? Punishment incarnations? What are they?” He agreed that the idea of becoming an orphan with the plague didn’t sound like a very good life, but if he could do it in a fantasy world then there was always a chance he could find a healer or something to reach his goal. 

“Those are false lifetimes. They’re less of life than they are a test or challenge. There are many different kinds, but they all have one thing in common: to test you, and if you pass then you can find a life that might be better suited to you.” She explained. “In some you fight inhuman opponents, and in others you endure unendurable hardship or achieve mythic goals. I’m not sure you’d do well with them.” Simon was sure though. This is exactly what he needed. How many lifetimes as a dumb grazing animal had he endured just because this bitch hadn’t told him that he could just do what he’d been practicing for all his life: play a fighting game. 

“I respect your opinion on these things, Helades,” Simon lied, “You are a goddess after all. But this sounds like exactly what I’ve been looking for all the same. Perhaps you could tell me more about them anyway? Even if I decide that being a Koala is the right path I’d like to know all my choices.” 

“Very well,” she answered, leaning forward, and reaching for another book that flew to her from a different shelf. “In the siege of Antethon you hold back the demon armies for as long as possible, but if you let the city fall then you’re dragged into the depths of hell for a decade before you try again. In—” 

“Wait, hell is a real place?” Simon blurted out. Any game where a loss resulted in ending up in hell was right out. “Like - I could end up there?” 

The goddess sighed. “Of course it’s a real place. Heaven is too. They’re not quite the place your religions teach you that they are, but both are different endings for souls that no longer need to repeat the endless cycle of life and death.”

Simon opened his mouth to ask another question, but shut it when Helades said, “But if you keep interrupting me we’ll never get through the list you asked for.”

When Simon stayed silent for a moment she continued. “The path is an incarnation where you must run to warn your nation of an impending attack - to succeed you’ll have to run until your heart gives out and the soles of your feet are raw from the paving stones. If you fail you have to keep running for a year and a day, even after you perish.” Just the idea of that one sounded exhausting. Simon had no illusions about his fitness. He couldn’t run more than a block before he was winded. 

“In the forests of Kensai you need to hunt for—” 

“Excuse me,” Simon said, butting in. Listening to her talk about all these options he’d never pick was boring, and he’d rather just cut to the chase. “Rather than going through the whole list maybe you could tell me if there's one that’s like a dungeon… like in ‘The Darkening Deeps,’ or ‘Sword of Glory 1 and 2?’ Something where I kill monsters and level up as I go deeper and all that?”

The goddess pondered for a second, flipping through several pages before she stopped. “Yes - there is something like what you describe, but I should warn you the pit is one of the most terrible punishment incarnations I have to offer, it’s not for the faint of heart.”

“Tell me about it,” Simon demanded, followed up only belatedly with a “please,” as he saw Helades’ expression start to sour. 

“It’s exactly what I described. It's a pit of horrors, and each level is worse than the last. You must defeat all of them if you ever want to leave though,” she said. Her tone was sober and serious, but Simon couldn’t help but get excited by the prospect. 

“So what happens if I die or lose or whatever,” Simon asked. All the other incarnations she’d mentioned had punishments, so this one had to have one too, right? 

“If you die you have to do it again. Over and over again until you finish the test.” she answered. “It’s a reality knot. The only way out is to complete the test which unravels it and—”

“So it's just a roguelike then - if I die I respawn? How many levels are there exactly anyway?” Simon talked over her. “And when I complete it I can have whatever life I wish? I’ll do it.” 

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“Simon - I’ve seen you after a hundred different lives - I don’t think this is a choice that you should make so lightly.” Her annoyance was definitely showing now, but so was her concern. Simon didn’t care though - both traits only increased his annoyance. 

“As long as it has skills and levels I’ll be fine,” he said, “Oh - and magic - I need magic for a good build if I’m going to be able to clear it in a reasonable amount of time. Melee builds can take forever.”

“This pit is less than a hundred floors and has all those things. It has levels and requires many skills and spells to conquer, but you need to consider the toll that dying so often can take on your psyche and—” the goddess warned him, but listening to her was exactly how he ended up as a beaver or a rabbit or whatever before. That was something he was never going to do again. He’d found a back door to being the hero he’d always wanted to be, and he was going to take it. 

“I said I’d do it,” he interrupted, “Look, I appreciate your concern but I don’t think you really understand how ready I am for this, so just tell me where to go and what to do.  The incarnation you offer me might be a punishment for most, but it’s a gift to me - you understand? I’ve trained my whole life for this.” Simon was disappointed. You’d think a goddess who knew everything would have presented this option to him first thing to save them both some time, but she clearly didn’t know anything. She didn’t even understand he was probably going to clear the whole thing in less than five tries. He had to play games on nightmare mode these days just to get a little challenge. 

“Alright,” She said, his dossier, or whatever it was that told him all the details of his life, floated over to him along with a pen. “Just sign that and the killing can commence.” Simon glanced through the contract he was signing and everything looked good. Levels. Monsters. Defeat. Reincarnation. It was exactly what she’d said, and he started signing it before she even finished talking. It was only when he let go of the pen though that he noticed the ink was dark red and his fingers were bleeding from where he held it. He wanted to object to that part, but the book was already sailing back to a shelf while an orb of white light floated out to him. 

“Follow this wisp and it will take you to the pit,” Helades smiled brightly, “I’ll look forward to our next encounter, and I hope you enjoy the pit as much as you think you will.”

“Thanks,” Simon said, put on the spot by her smile. Pretty girls were a problem for him, and in lieu of anything clever to say for once he made a shallow awkward bow before following the wisp out of the rotunda by a different route than he came in from. As he left the huge room he could see that another person - a dark haired girl - was already climbing the steps for their moment with the goddess of life and death. He was sure that a pretty girl like her would get a much better series of options though. They always seemed to get their way, he thought bitterly as he left the room. For once it didn’t matter what anyone else got though. Why should it matter what happened to anyone else when he was finally getting his wish. He was going to be in a real life video game. Instead of sitting in a chair and fighting demons with a laggy connection he could finally unlock his real skills with steel and show everyone how much they underestimated him. 

The path to get where he was going took forever though, apparently. Slowly they went from a large corridor to a series of smaller ones, before finally reaching a spiral staircase that took him to what appeared to be catacombs. They were more than a little spooky, but the light of the wisp kept the shadows at bay as they made their way to their destination. Simon was resolved not to be afraid of a little darkness. Soon there would be things in the dark worth being afraid of, he was sure, but he would teach them to be afraid of him instead. That certainty didn’t waver very much until they finally reached their goal: an old wooden door that had seen better days with a carved wooden sign on it that said “The Pit.” 

Simon stood there a minute, not so much afraid to open the door, as mentally preparing for whatever might happen when he did. With a name like ‘The Pit,’ there could be anything behind this door - from a tomb dripping with blood to a cave full of orcs. When he finally opened it though, all he found was a small cabin in the woods somewhere. Once the door was open the wisp floated in until it reached the full length mirror hanging on one wall, and then it disappeared inside it. The mirror lit up with text briefly like a blue phosphor screen. ‘Please let me know if you need anything,’ the mirror read, before fading to reflect the world around it as a mirror should. Simon stepped inside, gazing around the room. The more he looked the broader his stupid smile got, and eventually he had to pinch himself. He couldn’t believe he’d finally found his own personal heaven. He could live in a quiet cabin far away from all the annoying people in his life, and he could go into a dungeon and slay monsters anytime he wanted? He wasn’t sure a better life was even possible. 

The door behind Simon slowly creaked shut, and he remembered that was the only way out, so he reached for it, but he was too slow. It closed with a thud, and by the time he reopened it, it no longer went back to the catacombs he’d come through to get here. Instead it led to the grassy meadow that separated his cabin from the picturesque forest of pine and spruce beyond. He supposed that tactically he should have kept that door open a while longer while he checked to make sure that this wasn’t a trap or something, but in truth he never wanted to visit that creepy goddess’ palace ever again if he didn’t have to. She might be lovely, but she really didn’t have a clue what was going on with the lives she played with. How many people like him had had their whole lives ruined because she made bad recommendations about how they should reincarnate?

She didn’t matter anymore, he decided seconds later. He’d gotten everything he ever wanted, so she could go back to telling people to become panda bears and he could focus on the task at hand. Simon looked around the room taking inventory of the weapons and armor he had, and trying to decide his next steps. Simon opened all the cupboards and drawers, pleased to find enough food for a meal or two along with everything a neophyte adventure might need to get started. He picked up the wedge of white cheese and took a bite - it wasn’t quite as good as doritos, but it would be a nice change of pace until he got out of here, he decided. He picked up a long sword from where it was leaning against a wall. This was going to be great, and he couldn’t wait to get started.