As we all watched the small creature crawl about the professor’s hand, angling it to make sure the small thing was always on top, he pointed his wand at it. “Engorgio.” He mumbled, suddenly the size grew, and the black speck enlarged to a black spider about half a foot in length. Many of the students recoiled, Weasley almost falling out of his seat. 

Both Pansy and I didn’t move much, both of us were used to seeing a much larger creature. ‘Well, Luna and I are more comfortable around Gaynor, Pansy still can’t be in the same room.’ I held back a scoff, glancing at Pansy’s squinting eyes that were focused towards the front of the class; ready to learn. She had been getting better at accepting dangerous creatures, making the effort specifically for me. 

She noticed my gaze and quickly met it, wondering if I needed her attention. I couldn’t help but smile a bit stupidly, holding back a small chuckle just seeing her lavish hazel eyes, glistening from the rays of sunlight arching through the windows behind me. Immediately I snapped my head back to the front of the class, hardly paying attention as the professor began demonstrating the Imperius Curse with fun acrobatic feats he compelled the spider in doing.

Through my peripheral vision I could make out Pansy’s lovely smile, forcing me to grin as well. She looked to the front of the class, but her hand slowly inched its way towards mine. I couldn’t stop my smile from growing as I slid my fingers between hers, intertwining our hands together even in class. 

My attention was only focused back onto class when the professor laughed along with the rest of the students. “Talented isn’t she!? What shall I have her do next!? Jump to her death?” His expression snapped to a darkened look of intrigue while the spider he controlled inched its way to the edge of his desk, a fall that could definitely break a few legs on the small creature. “Drown herself?” The professor hedged, having the spider move to a glass of water resting on his desk. By then the entire class froze in horror at the mere idea of what this curse did. It didn’t simply compel whatever was struck by it, it completely removed their will entirely. 

I should have been terrified, I was terrified. But my face kept cramping upwards with the tightened grip of Pansy in slight distress over the nature of this curse. I kept trying to forcefully pull my trembling lips back down, only able to angle my face away from Pansy to not seem as if the lesson was what I was smirking at; even going so far as to cover my mouth with my free hand to hide my grin. 

The class continued on, Pansy thankfully unknowing of my strange expression as the professor looked across the class, his large prosthetic eye always seeming to make its way over to the back of class to make sure we were paying attention. “Scores of witches and wizards, have claimed, that they only did you know who’s bidding; under the influence of the Imperius Curse! But here’s the rub; how do we sort out the liars…?” He asked darkly, his gaze focusing on each student for a second or two before his gaze centered on me. “Peterson!”

His sudden call of my name snapped my hand away from Pansy’s as I sat to attention. The warm feeling of her touch now gone left me able to fix my expression back to the serious issue. Seeing me at silent attention, the professor looked down at me expectantly. “Give us a curse.” I held back wincing at the very first one I read plenty of stomach turning pages of well documented uses of the curse springing to mind. I had tried to avoid reading too much, but the good portions of information laid splashed within the sickening fantasies Ekrizdis had used the curse for.

I took a small breath, trying to sound as innocent in my words, as if I hadn’t read, and completely understood the curse by now. “The Cruciatus Curse.” The professor instantly lit up, smirking as he quickly nodded. “Correct! Correct! Now come!” He waved for me to approach, and I slowly stood from my seat, both Draco and Pansy glancing at me with worry. Mad Eye Moody was a well known odd-ball in the Ministry, and one that many wished to stay away from. Only the first class and everyone was on edge around him.

I silently walked to the front of the class, gazes from all around me intently with a multitude of expressions. I ignored them all, especially the two on the right end of class, almost completely opposite of where I sat. Hermione’s squinting eyes leering at me, while Chiara’s quivering eyes and bitten lip expressed more concern for my well being. I shouldn’t have cared for how they felt of me heading to the front of the class, just as I didn’t for all the rest of the students. However, my eyes still trailed to them both, unable to move past them without knowing if they showed some semblance of concern. We were closer than what I should have ever allowed, yet this vile portion of me, growing each day, wished to keep them there, keep them in a special place in my mind.

‘I’m beginning things with Pansy.’ A sudden thought struck my mind. Guilt flared in my chest as I made it to the front of the class, glancing back at Pansy’s large eyes, before befalling my gaze back onto the spider the professor was going to use to demonstrate. Even with my back turned, I could feel her watching me intently, not a single errant thought breaking her concentration to step in the moment anything got out of hand. I had trained with her enough to notice her silently grasping for her wand, but her acts of kindness only brought torment in me. She welled a great desire within me that I couldn’t fulfill with her, leaving my muddled mind to focus my disgusting thoughts on the only other girls I held highly. 

The guilt I had been holding off for the entire morning all came crashing down at once. I shouldn’t do this to Pansy, she deserved so much better, as did Luna; Hermione and Chiara needed to be turned further away. I knew all of what I needed to do, I just couldn’t will myself to follow through. I wanted Pansy in the dark to keep things as good between us as they might ever be. One misstep in explaining not only my cursed existence, but having our entire beginning of this relationship to have a mistress would ruin my entire life.

Luna was hidden, just the way I wanted, but how long would she be content with that? How long would she be okay with what we were doing? Even if Pansy somehow took things well enough to keep all my secrets even after us breaking apart, I still couldn’t risk being seen with someone as infamous as Luna. She was an amazingly intelligent girl, able to teach me plenty of magical creatures I didn’t know of, yet everyone still remained distant from her. The bullying stopped after I had Draco send a message through those first Ravenclaw girls, but I still knew rumors were never quick to quell. We had already gone so far, and I would be happily responsible for my actions, but I could only go so far, would it be far enough?

And yet, even through all that confusion, my stupid mind still latched itself onto the idea of being close with Hermione and Chiara. I almost cried from relief the day I acted on my strange sense of overwhelming unease. I couldn’t help but feel my cheeks tighten in glee just remembering such a worrisome look Chiara gave, her silver eyes quaking just as they had before while admonishing me in her beastial form. Similar to Hermione’s annoying yet altogether passionate presence. She always brought out the best and worst of me, strangely wanting to accept all of it, even going so far as to forgive my slightly violent outbursts towards her.

‘They’re all just-’ “Stop it! Just stop it! Can’t you see it's bothering him!?” Hermione’s voice crying out from behind me, woke me from my own mind as my tiny smirk vanished while I snapped my unfocused eyes on the crouching spider before me. While my mind was preoccupied with each girl's relation to me, I had made the way to the front, and had been staring at the small spider crouching and squeaking in pain. I hid a gasp at Hermione’s voice of anguish, and the professor looked back at Hermione before meeting my gaze with a serious expression. “You can go back now…” He muttered, using his head to direct me back to my seat. I nodded politely, holding myself from wiping my face of the mounding stress of my aggravatingly numerous feelings.