Lyrical life

Chapter 4

 

Too good to be true. - Rhys

 

 

 

“So, what happened?” Jenny demanded, inelegantly dropping into the seat opposite me and pitching her voice so that it wouldn’t carry too far in the dining hall. The general racket of the busy school cafeteria surrounding us, other students talking, cutlery clattering and so on, making it harder to be overheard. I glanced at her and tried to feign innocence.

 

“What do you mean? Nothing has changed.” I knew from the way she slitted her eyes at me that she didn’t believe me.

 

“I’ve known you for too long, you’ve been even more spacey than usual the last few weeks. You’ve been sickeningly happy every Monday morning and usually you hate Mondays. You’ve complained that the weeks are far too long almost every day. You completely forgot to take notes in English last week, you were too busy trying out combinations of yours and Sams names, you walked into RS with Bekky the other day and you don’t even do religious studies. You want me to list more?” She sat back and folded her arms watching me expectantly.

 

“I get to see Sam at the weekends, so nothings changed, I’m just happy when I see him.”

 

“More than that, you were happy seeing him before, something has changed. You space out even more now when you’re thinking about him. Bekky’s right, isn’t she? You two fucked didn’t you?...” Something in my face must have given me away as Jennys shrewd look changed to one of delight. “… You actually did the deed, you go girl! Now though you have to tell me all about it.” She leaned forward so she was closer to me, her face split in a familiar yet suddenly also scary grin, her blue eyes sparkling as though it was the most amusing thing she’d heard all year. I squirmed a bit in my seat, both uncomfortable with the idea of actually telling someone and excited to be able to share my secret with someone.

 

“Um, yea, we have, um, made love.” I could feel the blush burning on my cheeks and I tried not to look at her. Jenny laughed happily.

 

“Come on, I need to know, how did it happen?”

 

“Are we really supposed to talk about things like that though?”

 

“What do you mean? Why shouldn’t we?”

 

“It specifically says in the bible sex and any kind of impurity shouldn’t be talked about. Mummy says that really its wrong that we have to have a class about it or mention it in biology class. She says that children don’t need to know about it until they are ready to get married.”

 

“We both know that’s bull-shit. You can talk to me about anything and I really wanna know everything, especially how you managed it when you say your parents are so strict.”

 

“Here?” I was nervous about talking about it at all but talking where we might be overheard was even more scary. “What if someone heard and told my parents?”

 

“No one else is listening here and I doubt that any of them would care if they did hear. Besides, most of them wouldn’t even know your parents.” She countered my argument, leaning over the table even more in a way I assume was meant to be more conspiratorial. I finished my bottle of water and carefully capped the bottle as I considered her point.

 

“It’s embarrassing though.” I finally confessed.

 

“Yea but I’m your best friend aren’t I? And I’m happy for you.”

 

“Alright…” I paused again, trying to think what I should tell her and what was too embarrassing. With a nervous glance round incase anyone was actually listening I took a deep breath, leaned close, so our heads were almost touching, and gave in to the excitement of being able to share my secret.

 

“Well I told you when we kissed that first time.”

 

“I remember” she encouraged.

 

“After that we kinda kept on kissing and things got a bit better each time, I guess he got more confident and everything so his hands kinda didn’t just stay still anymore, then I guess we just couldn’t keep our hands off each other. He said it was good when I felt his thing, he soon wanted me to touch it without anything on and he was touching me in places that felt good. After we found that, I couldn’t wait for the times I could be there and he could touch me but it wasn’t enough, I wanted more and more until I was letting him touch me without anything in the way…” I giggled nervously and Jenny raised a conspiratorial eyebrow, nodding and grinning like her head would split in two.

 

“I guess soon after that I started practically undressing him as soon as we were alone. Then one thing kinda led to another and we were kissing and playing around one visit while we were both undressed and he accidentally put his thing in there and it just felt so right. That was the first time, after that, he pretty much only wanted to do that every time till he did his stuff after that we cuddle and kiss and sometimes we make plans for what it will be like in a few years when we can get married. He usually falls asleep though, I’ve had to wake him up a couple of times when we’ve been called or when I thought that we were going to get caught.”

 

“How do you feel with that?” Jenny asked after a pause that I knew was supposed to encourage me to continue but I didn’t know how to fill in for her.

 

“What?”

 

“The whole going behind your parents back, doing something they taught you was so wrong. Aren’t you worried that you’ll get caught?”

 

“Well yea but I think we’re managing to keep it secret.”

 

“And what about how you feel now he’s made you a woman? Feel any different?”

 

“I don’t think so, I’m still me, I haven’t turned into someone else.” I was a bit confused by the question. Was I supposed to feel different? “I guess I love him more somehow, I feel closer to him.”

 

“Awesome. Shame that you only get to spend that time together, can’t really go on a date or anything.”

 

“What is a date really? We’ve had dinner together loads of times, sometimes even in a different room from our parents, isn’t that date?” Jenny actually laughed.

 

“A date isn’t just eating together and it’s definitely not one if your parents are anywhere near. I guess a date is going somewhere when its just the two of you and both having a good time.”

 

“So doing, it, counts right?” I had never really considered the thought before but I wanted to try and work out if this was something that we should try and find a way to do or if we had already had a date and just didn’t really know it.

 

“No, sometimes if you feel like it you might after a date, but it doesn’t have to be part of it.” I could see that Jenny was struggling to keep a straight face. I couldn’t look at her as I felt as though I might be too stupid and she was laughing at my lack of knowledge.

 

“I don’t know these things, we’re not supposed to do things like that, not even supposed to be alone together until like a week before we actually get married and then only for a few minutes at a time to prove that we’re not sinning.” I said it more sharply than I intended and noticed Jenny do a double take at my snappishness.

 

“It’s ok. I wasn’t making fun of you.” She explained as she looked around, making sure I hadn’t drawn too much attention to myself. Seeing that a few of the others, which were closer to us, were looking in our direction, she stood up again, “Come on, lets take this to the library. It will be quieter there.” She commanded. Reluctantly I followed her out of the canteen.

 

The library was almost empty and I found it hard to stay annoyed as we found a desk by the window, where the sun was streaming in and could talk while watching for anyone else coming along who might disturb us. I sat basking in the sun while Jenny rummaged in her bag for something before she flopped into the chair beside me, tapping away on her phone.

 

“You are, you know, being … careful aren’t you? I don’t wanna rain on your parade or anything but it could be a big problem if you get pregnant already.” She seemed genuinely concerned and serious asking in a quiet tone without looking up from her phone.

 

“I’ve only had one curse of Eve since we started doing that and I wouldn’t let him that week though it was hard not to let him, I wanted to.” Jenny smiled wryly as though I was being childish when I mentioned the curse of Eve.

 

“Better safe than sorry though, can’t you get on the pill or something?”

 

“You think that mum would let me?”

 

“Tell her that its to help you regulate or something. It’s often prescribed for that you know.”

 

“I didn’t know but she would still freak out, you know what she’s like, she doesn’t even like medicine for headaches, she says we should just bear the crosses we are given.”

 

“Then go to the doctors on your own and get it prescribed, she doesn’t need to know.”

 

“She won’t let me, our doctor is a man and she thinks he just want’s to do weird things, so I’m not allowed to go on my own and she barely goes unless she has to.”

 

“What if I go with you then?”

 

“I doubt she’ll let that happen either. It will be ok, I will just have to stop him round that time, its only for a few years before we get married and then I’ll have our babies anyway.” Jenny rolled her eyes at me.

 

“There are other things you can do with your life.”

 

“Its what I’m supposed to do though, he will work and I will stay home and look after the house and the children.”

 

“Sounds like your life has already been decided for you.”

 

“It’s how god intended things to be though and I’m beginning to believe that its going to be all right. Sam and I are going to be together forever, he makes me so happy.” I felt warm and happy, just thinking about him. I didn’t even notice Bekky coming to join us.

 

“Let me guess, Sam?” Bekky asked as she saw the silly smile I must have had on my face and plonked her bag down on the desk with Jennies.

 

“Yea, they’ve been doing it every weekend.” Jenny replied before I had a chance to say anything. I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks.

 

“Hey, don’t shout about it.” I complained and both of them laughed.

 

“Boys are all shit heads anyway.” Bekky grumped and her usual complaint about men in general and the boys in the school in particular as she pulled another chair over and sat on it backwards, leaning her arms on the back of it and resting her chin on them. I felt a small pang of envy that she was wearing trousers and could sit how she wanted while I always had to wear a skirt and be careful how I sat.

 

“Hey, Sam’s not like that. He’s sweet and loving and he cares about me.” I shot back at her.

 

“Till he gets what he wants and gets bored I expect.” Bekky mumbled so I scowled at her, I was going to start arguing with her about how nice Sam was but she held up her hand to stop me. “What’s it like anyway?” She asked quietly. “I’ve seen it on porn before but everyone knows that’s not real.”

 

“I don’t know, I kinda expected it to be like in biology, all cold and matter of fact like. But it wasn’t, it was all hot and neither of us could catch our breath and real awkward at first till we kinda worked out what felt good to eachother. It’s a bit weird though, he never tells me what feels good, he just says he doesn’t mind but I have to tell him what feels good to me. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found him though, it feels almost too good to be true.”

 

“You know what they say about things that are too good to be true?” Bekky warned.

 

“Yea but I’m happy, I’m glad that we found eachother without having to go through all the pain that everyone else seems to go through, pretending they don’t like eachother and playing games like I’ve heard Louise Harrison from Year 11 doing.”

 

“She’s the school slut though of course she’s going to play games, she just wants to fuck with the guys minds.” Jenny grumbled.

 

“Not just guys, she says she’s bi.” Bekky added earning a raised eyebrow from Jenny but I didn’t understand why.

 

“She’s still a slut, I heard she’s intending to go after that guy with the hippy mum, what’s his name? Ken?”

 

“He’s never gone out with anyone as far as I know but everyone says that if you wanna know anything go ask him, he knows a lot about sex apparently.”

 

“Probably just a wind up, someone trying to embarrass him.”

 

“I dunno, there’s this one girl in my RS class that said her boyfriend stayed over at Kens once and he saw Kens mum blowing his dad in the kitchen.” Bekky seemed amused by the gossip she was sharing but Jenny seemed shocked. I knew of the boy they were talking about but I wasn’t really interested, I only wanted to think about Sam. I hadn’t expected bringing up Louise in the conversation to move it away from me but I knew that she was always going out with different guys and even some of the boys in my class had boasted about how they had slept with her, I’d overheard them laughing together about how easy it had been to get her into bed with them. Thinking of such things brought my thoughts back to Sam and I remembered the last time we’d been together, how comforting and sweet it had been to lay in his arms as he slept. How fiery and eager we had been after being apart for a week. I got lost in my thoughts and was jerked back to the moment when the school bell rang out to say it was the end of lunch break, cursing that I had to go and try concentrating on math next, I had to hurry to grab my bag and get to class.