Lyrical Life

Chapter 5

Walking disaster - Sum41

 

I couldn’t think much as Sam moved above me, I knew we had to be quiet, we always had to be quiet. I could vaguely hear our parents talking in the next room but I wasn’t paying attention to them, Sam had all my attention focused elsewhere. He huffed and strained as he tried to keep going longer but I knew he was almost done. He jerked his hips into mine, slamming our naked bodies together, the culmination of our love before we spent some moments feeling close and basking in the warm glow of the experience in each other’s arms. I bit my lip, lifting my hips to meet each of his thrusts, anticipating the moment and abandoning myself to the sensation he was causing…

 

“Oh my god!” Mummy yelled as she flung my bedroom door open. “Get off her you, you …” Words clearly failed her as she stormed into the room and grabbed his arm, yanking him off me and off the bed. He flailed around trying to get to his feet as she dragged him towards the door and I scrambled to cover up my nudity. I heard daddy running along the hallway and mummy yelling incomprehensibly she dragged Sam out of the room.

 

“Joanna Risby, get your behind out here this instant!” Daddy roared at me, I knew I was in real trouble, he’d used my full name. I reluctantly got out of my bed and slipped into the dress I’d taken off not long before. Numbly I picked Sam’s clothes up off the floor and hugged them to me as I crept nervously from the room. The door to the lounge was wide open and I could see Sam huddled on the ground trying to hide the fact that he had nothing on. I slid quietly into the room as mummy burst into tears.

 

“What’s going on Sam?” Uncle Ben asked his son calmly. Mummy answered for him before Sam could even open his mouth.

 

“That, that, libertine was; was forcing himself on Joanna in her own bedroom.” She shouted at the rest of the room. “How could you have raised such a demonic child?”

 

“How dare you call my son demonic?!” Aunty Isabel rose out of the armchair to engage mummy in an instant battle to defend her son. “It was probably that harlot of a girl you call your daughter who led him astray.” She yelled back at Mummy, anger and shock lighting a fire in her that I doubted Mummy would be able to put out again. I sidled over to Sam who gratefully took his clothes, rushing to pull his shirt on and cover himself up before I saw a look of determination in his eye. He stood up smoothly, took my hand and squared his shoulders before facing his dad. I could feel him trembling slightly as he stood there.

 

Daddy hushed Mummy who was arguing loudly with Aunty Isabel as Uncle Ben ordered them both to be quiet, by snapping at them to shut up. I’d never seen him so angry.

 

“What’s this all about son?” Uncle Ben asked quietly, clearly controlling his temper and trying to be calm. There was a heavy silence in the room for a moment as Sam took a deep breath and squeezed my hand slightly.

 

“We love each other and are going to get married as soon as we can.” He announced into the silence in the room. I instantly felt as though I had never loved him more than at that moment, he seemed like the bravest person I’d ever known.

 

“Aunty Hannah says that you were having relations together, you know that’s against God’s law. We talked about it a couple of weeks ago after the sermon about it. What have you got to say? Were you having carnal relations?” The question was pointed and I knew that Sam wasn’t going to lie although I half wanted him to so we would be spared any more embarrassment.

 

“Yes. We already promised to marry before God.” Sam nodded as well as speaking, adding the rest in a rush as though he was trying to justify it. I felt he was braver than me, it seemed like we were children that had been caught with our hands in the biscuit box. I heard mummy make a satisfied noise as though she had been justified.

 

“How long has this been going on?” Uncle Ben asked, his voice quieter than ever as he held up a hand to silence the other adults who all started to speak at once. His blue eyes seemed to hold Sam like a snake holds its prey enthralled.

 

“Three months.” Sam murmured, looking down, no longer able to hold his father’s gaze as he had to start with.

 

“Did you force her?” Again he used a quiet voice which somehow scared me more than mummy’s shouting. This time Sam couldn’t even speak, he just shook his head. Mummy stared at me in horror.

 

“He, he’s a demon, he must be lying.” Mummy shrieked. Aunty Isabel turned on her, the fire of indignation blazing brighter in her eyes.

 

“He’s not a demon, you; your little Jezabel harlot must have led him astray by tempting him. I told you that letting her go to that school would mean she’d be led by the devil himself.”

 

“Isabel!” Uncle Ben’s voice was like thunder crack as he boomed the word over his wife and Mummy’s voices. He got to his feet and turned to daddy as Aunt Isabel shut her mouth quickly, she still scowled at Mummy, her lips thin and pressed tightly together as though she was holding back her words by force. “I’m sorry this happened, Mike, but as heads of the house, we have some things to deal with, so I had better take my family away and deal with them.” He said to Daddy and held his hand out, waiting for Daddy to shake it.

 

Daddy hesitated for a moment before he shook uncle Ben’s hand once, sharply as though he didn’t want to but also didn’t want to be the one to make things awkward, Uncle Ben smiled like his normal self to Daddy though I could tell he was sad. Then he reached out to Sam and cuffed him round the head.

 

“At the very least boy, you should apologise for the scene you have caused.” Uncle Ben growled at Sam. “Apologise to Mike and Hannah. Apologise to Joanna for not being spiritual enough to stop her from sinning and leading her back to the right path then get out to the car.” He ordered. Sam mumbled an apology to me and a slightly louder one in Daddy’s direction before he scrambled out of the room without even waiting to put his trousers on. Daddy didn’t acknowledge the apology as he watched Aunty Isabel pick up her handbag and follow Sam out the room, all the while giving Mummy a dirty look with her lips pressed tightly together as though she didn’t dare open them even the smallest bit in case they let her words tumble out.

 

“I’m sorry again Michael.” Uncle Ben said quietly as he looked at me with a small frown. “I hope you can forgive my family and remain in God’s grace.” He turned abruptly and left, I heard the front door slam and through the window I saw Sam being pushed towards their car, still clutching his clothes to him and hopping with one shoe on while still trying to cover up the fact that he only had his unbuttoned shirt on.

 

The sound of the Cornell’s car stuttering into life and driving away seemed to break Mummy’s shock and I saw it coming like it was slow motion. Her arm came up and she slapped me hard across my face. I could feel the sting as the back of her hand left a print on my cheek, her wedding ring scratching me. I’m not sure if it was surprise or pain but I burst into tears as my cheek hurt from the blow. Although I wanted to be as calm as Sam had been and stand up to her, to ask her if God was love then why was it wrong? I couldn’t control my tears, they fell no matter how much I tried to hold them back or scrub them away.

 

“Hannah, it is up to God to judge, not us.” Daddy warned Mummy “She’s committed a serious sin so we must ask for God’s guidance as a family.”

 

“Michael, she not only sinned, but she also embarrassed me in front of Ben and Isabel. How could you do that you little …” words failed her again and she also burst into tears, wailing loudly in a way I could only see as exaggerated. Daddy picked up the bible he always kept by his chair and looked at it for a moment as he stood beside Mummy.

 

“I think we need to sit down and talk this out sensibly, go and make a warm drink for everyone Hannah and let’s all take a moment to calm down. Joanna, go get some tissue then come straight back here.” Daddy clearly made up his mind and took control, giving mummy and me things to do to give us a bit of space before he asked for God’s guidance. I hurried off to do as he said, I wiped my tears on my dress but knew that Mummy would be mad if I wiped my nose on it too. I carefully cleared my nose onto a piece of tissue in the bathroom and threw it in the toilet, taking spare as I knew I’d cry again.

 

As I sat on the couch waiting for Mummy, it occurred to me that I wasn’t really upset that I’d been doing things I maybe shouldn’t have but more that I’d been caught and it had ended all so horribly, I hoped that Sam wasn’t going to be punished too hard for it. I had no idea what my punishment might be like but it would probably involve not having any time alone with Sam for a while. I could hear Mummy in the kitchen, wailing loudly and praying aloud to God, asking him why he’d sent her such a test and what she had done wrong to deserve such an evil child.

 

When she returned to the room, she had warm herbal teas, which the packet claimed had a calming influence, for all of us. I wasn’t a great fan of them, but I knew that at least she was trying to do as Daddy had ordered. Daddy said a prayer asking for God to guide him and to help him find the right way to deal with things before he looked at me and told me to start at the beginning and tell them everything including exactly what had led up to my sin. I shrugged and mumbled that it had just kind of happened.

 

“You know that thoughts lead to sins so you must have been thinking about it for a while and letting those thoughts fester into your sin.” Mummy snapped at me, her voice cold and angry. “So tell us when you started having these thoughts, confess your sins so that God can judge you correctly.” I didn’t really need her to add the bit about God, it was a common enough phrase in the sermons we had.

 

“Bout a year ago, Sam told me that he loved me and that if I loved him too, he’d ask you if we could marry when we reached sixteen.” I confessed in a small voice, my throat still a little tight with worry and tears.

 

“A year ago? Why didn’t you come to us and tell us straight away? We could have protected you.” Daddy asked. I didn’t have much of an answer for him but he didn’t respond to my shrug, just waited for me to answer so I had to find something I could say that wouldn’t make things worse.

 

“I didn’t know if he meant it and if I loved him too, I wanted to work it out.” I mumbled hoping it would be enough.

 

“And you worked it out by sinning?” Mummy asked, her eyes narrowed as she stared at me.

 

“No, it was just a kiss. Doesn’t one of the saints say that we should greet each other with a kiss?” I rallied, inspiration welling up from somewhere deep in my memory.

 

“Don’t twist the words of the almighty. You know that means within the church, not as a gateway to fornication.” Daddy rumbled as a warning.

 

“We’ve done our best to teach you the difference. How could you let the devil lead you into sin like that?” Mummy demanded, tears rolling down her face again.

 

“You should have come and told us immediately.” Daddies face was stern. “What you seem to be saying is that you willingly went down a path you’ve been warned over and over again would lead you into the sin of fornication.” Something inside me seemed to break and words came spilling out of me without me thinking about them.

 

“It’s a stupid rule. If God is supposed to be love, how can it be wrong to show that you love someone? How can sex be wrong if that’s what God told Adam and Eve to do? Why would it feel so good if God didn’t intend us to enjoy it with someone we love? If it was just about having babies why would God have made it so that women started being able to have babies before they are ready to leave home? Why is it so wrong to have tried things out to make sure they work and that we’re able to make them work well together? We already promised to get married, and you said that God sees that the same as being married so we haven’t done anything wrong in his eyes. Everything was alright this morning before you found out, so God can’t think that we’ve sinned or he’d have punished the congregation already. Sam and I love each other.” Anger filled me and pushed the thoughts I’d been keeping secret out my mouth as tears tumbled from my eyes, I angrily swept them away with the tissue and glared defiantly at my parents shocked faces.

 

“Apostasy in our own home!” Mummy murmured, as though I’d shocked her to the core.

 

“I was going to send you to your room while Mummy and I asked God what your judgement should be but I’ve never heard you be so rude in your life. I can’t make this wait even a moment longer!” Daddy shouted, the fear and anger clear in his voice. “Please God almighty guide my hand and show us your will as to how we should deal with this evil in our family” He intoned with eyes closed as he looked towards heaven and held his bible up, opening it before he opened his eyes again and brought it down to read.

 

He read it quietly to himself and then straightened his back a little as though he knew what he had to do.

 

“The Good Lord, our God, says thus in Matthew chapter five verse twenty-nine, “So if your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one of your body parts than to have your whole body thrown into hell.”” He sighed and stood up. “That makes it quite clear what we have to do.” He reached out, casually grabbed a hand full of my hair and dragged me through the house as I kicked and screamed at him while Mummy followed.

 

Opening the front door he thrust me out and sent me sprawling on the grass.

 

“As God had spoken, so it is done, I cast you out of this house and this family like the wicked, rotten thing that you are.” Daddy said solemnly before he disappeared into the house again. For a moment Mummy stood there looking at me with an unreadable look on her face.

 

“You have brought shame upon our family, shame that I have to bear when I never wanted you in the first place. God tested me with you and now I’m well rid of you. I’ve always regretted having you and now it’s too late to save your soul. You always were a worthless child, go whore yourself to the devil in hell so I don’t have to set eyes on you again before I’m caught up into heaven.” It was my turn to be shocked as I saw the look on Mummy’s face. I’d never seen anything like the mixture of relief, happiness and pure hatred before. As she swept back into the house and slammed the door behind her.

 

I lay where Daddy had thrown me for a moment in confusion before I sat up and tried to make sense of everything that had happened. Less than an hour ago I’d been the happiest I’d ever been in my life, now I was sitting on the lawn in front of my home with nothing but one of my best dresses on. I looked at it sadly, numbly gazing at the large, pale, pink and blue, butterflies that made a pattern on the thick white cotton, it occurred to me that Mummy was going to be pissed off about the mud and grass stains that marred its normally pristine condition. When they let me in again, she was going to have to wash the dress and it would serve her right for the mean things she’d said, she probably deserved worse for causing all the commotion in the first place, why couldn’t she have just left Sam and I alone?

 

It was boring sitting outside, and I wondered how long they were going to make me stay there as time ticked away. I had no idea if I’d been there for five minutes or fifty minutes, it felt like an age to me. I could still vaguely hear Mummy wailing inside the house, but nothing was distinct enough for me to make out what she was saying. I knew that this was supposed to be punishment so they wouldn’t let me in quickly. I wondered if they would panic more and let me in quicker if they didn’t see me sitting there for a while, so I picked myself up and walked along the road in the direction of the little shop I passed on the way to school. The cold pavement was harsh on my bare feet which quickly became numb but I didn’t really care, it was a novelty to be able to walk down the road alone. I wished that I’d got my purse with me and could have gone into the shop on my own for once, but I hadn’t so I just stood outside looking at the adverts that were plastered all over the window until someone came out and told me to move on because I was making the customers nervous. Realising that the sun had dipped, and it was getting chillier I thought that maybe I’d been out long enough, and my parents might let me back in again I headed back home and knocked on the door.

 

Through the glass on the front door, I could see Daddy moving behind the door, presumably looking through the peephole like he usually did to see who was there. I waited patiently for him to see it was me and open the door, but he walked away again. I was surprised that he thought I hadn’t been outside long enough, especially when he was the one that normally said I shouldn’t be out on my own. Feeling annoyed that they were taking things so far, I sat heavily on the grass to wait a little longer, hoping that it made another stain that Mummy would have to wash out of my dress. I didn’t have to sit there long getting colder and noticing that the clouds building overhead looked troubling. Even as I thought it, light rain that quickly got heavier and soaked me to the skin began to fall.

 

Scrambling to get up again I huddled in the doorway and hammered on my own front door, begging them to let me in and telling them over and over again that I was sorry. I knew I was lying; I wasn’t really sorry about what I’d done, only that I’d been caught. For a long time, they didn’t answer and I felt a tingle of fear that added to my shivering from the cold and wet. I was so happy when the outside light came on and I saw Daddy through the bubbly glass again, he was coming to let me in, and everything would be alright.

 

“I don‘t know who you are but I’m not opening the door, go away!” Daddy yelled through the door to me, and I was taken aback, I didn’t understand what he meant that he didn’t know who I was.

 

“I’m your daughter. Let me in, I’m sorry, I’ll be good.” I yelled back, figuring that he just hadn’t recognised me in the gloom.

 

“You’re not my daughter, my daughter is dead. Now go away!” He replied and I actually saw him turn the light off and walk away from the door again. I couldn’t believe they were taking it that far. I was freezing, wet, annoyed and I was getting scared. Where was I going to go? What was I going to do? I didn’t know how to deal with the situation, so I stayed at the door, hammering on it and yelling until I was hoarse but Daddy didn’t come back to the door again.

 

It was full dark and my teeth were chattering so hard I couldn’t make words anymore before I decided that I couldn’t stay on the doorstep any longer. I crept round to the garden to see if by some miracle Daddy had forgotten to lock the back door, sadly it was locked tight and the curtains were pulled as though they had known that I would try it and they wouldn’t have to see me. Even the little shed where Daddy kept the garden tools was locked, I hated the thought of staying in there anyway with the spiders that always seemed to be in there, but I was so cold I thought I might have even welcomed them if they shared some warmth.

 

Panicking and trying not to shiver so much I noticed the shed in next door’s garden, I knew the old couple that lived there were away but even as I thought about it I hurried into their garden and tried the door of the old shed they had.

 

There was only a little light getting through the small dirty window and although my eyes were already adjusted to the gloom, I couldn’t see much in the shed. It smelt musty and oily as I fumbled around trying to find something to warm myself with. I hit my foot on something and fell face first into what felt like an armchair, as I was picking myself up I felt there was something hanging on the back of the chair so I pulled on it to see what it was. It seemed to be the old, worn, coat I had seen the old man pottering about in the garden in from time to time. Gratefully I curled up in the chair and spread the coat over me like a blanket, hoping it would warm me.

 

With nothing to look at or to distract me, I was faced with my memories. I had no idea what I could do if my parents didn’t let me again at all. Perhaps they would be more amenable in the morning, I thought it would probably serve them right if I died of cold though. I wondered if maybe I could find a way to get into the house and get some things while they were out at church because they wouldn’t miss going to church on Sunday for anything. Freezing, angry, upset and with pain starting in my feet where they were slowly starting to regain feeling, I couldn’t help remembering the words Mummy had said. They had stung at the time but now they began to haunt me. I couldn’t work out why she’d never wanted me, I didn’t think I’d ever been a particularly difficult child to her.

 

I don’t remember sleeping that night but I guess I must have slept at some point between all the thoughts and constant shivering. I remember noticing the shadows getting lighter and being able to see better but I was too tired and depressed to think much of it until I heard someone outside.

 

Daddy had already lit a fire in the pit he used to burn the garden rubbish when I peered over the fence to see if there was a chance I could talk to him. I was horrified to see that he was dumping my things into the bright flames. I screamed at him to stop but he didn’t even look round, he just threw another armload of things into the fire and hurried back into the house. I ran into the garden and tried to pull things from the fire as it hungrily licked at them but it was too hot to get close. The cardigan I’d been wearing the day before, little more than a cute bolero top, must have fallen from the pile when he threw it and lay in the mud near the fire, I snatched it up and hurried to put it on grateful for any extra warmth it might offer, I felt the weight in it as I picked it up and thanked God that my purse was still in the pocket.

 

When Daddy came out of the house again, I tried to stop him throwing the next lot onto the fire but he just picked up the stick he had been poking the fire with and hit me with it, chasing me down the drive and away from the house, he yelled at me calling me names and swinging the stick to hit me again. I ran, ignoring the pain as small stones cut my feet. I stood near the shop for an hour, watching the clock through the window and trying to work up the courage to go in so I could buy something to eat and a drink.

 

By the time I couldn’t stand outside any longer the rain had started again so I was freezing and soaked again. The young man behind the till smirked at me as I dripped and shivered my way to the fridge of fizzy drinks and back to the chocolate stand.

 

“Boyfriend must be a wanker if this is your walk of shame.” He leered at me as he scanned the can and packet of chocolate and I fumbled in my purse for the right coins. I shook my head and he glanced at the till to make sure of the total I owed. “Ah, too fucked up to get home then? Come party with me next time, I’ll at least make sure you’re ok the next morning.”

 

“Stop flirting with the customers and do the fucking returns, you lazy bastard.” Called a voice I recognised from the doorway that was tucked away behind the till between the cigarette stand and shelves of alcohol. The voice was the older man that had told me to go away the day before. I left as quick as I could, hoping that he wasn’t going to come out and shout at me again.

 

I noticed Daddy’s car driving away as I got near my house again, they didn’t turn round and come racing back so I guessed they hadn’t seen me. Slipping back up the driveway I went to look at the fire in the garden, hoping for some warmth and to see if I could save anything while my parents were away from the house.

 

There wasn’t much the fire hadn’t touched in the pile. I managed to pull my favourite teddy out, though his fur was singed and his nose had begun to melt a bit. I burned my arm trying to pull some clothes out of the pile and the hot ash was painful on my toes as I tried to get close enough to pull my suitcase out, I knew I’d been lazy not emptying it after we’d last been on holiday but maybe that would help me now. As I pulled the suitcase it was clear that I was out of luck, the bottom of the plastic casing was melted away and everything was either burnt or melty. It was more than obvious I wasn’t going to be able to salvage more than my teddy.

 

My life had literally gone up in smoke and I didn’t know what to do. Next door’s gate clanged loudly as someone went into their garden but when I timidly peered over the fence it wasn’t the old couple returning, it was one of their sons. A big, bald, man with a bushy beard, tattoos on his knuckles and metal things through the skin on his face. Just the sight of him scared me. He went straight into the shed and banged about for a while, I guessed he must have been looking for something, before he left in just as much of a hurry as he had come in, only pausing to make sure the shed was locked securely.

 

I tried to think what I could do next, with last night’s sanctuary denied me, I knew I’d have to find somewhere to go that would be safe. Mummy had always drummed into me how no one outside the church could be trusted and that I should be cautious even with those in the church and Daddy had always told me that if we showed any weakness then everyone around us would take advantage of it to make it worse. School always made sure that we knew there was a councillor we could talk to about anything if we needed to but I’d never spoken to him before and I felt embarrassed at the thought of trying to tell him that I’d been thrown out of home because of my own actions.

 

The thought of school must have jogged something in my memory as I suddenly remembered that my PE kit was still at school, I’d forgotten it when I’d left for the weekend but it meant that I had a change of clothes and something warm to wear, I just had to get to it. I think that’s the moment I began to feel a little more hopeful. Holding Teddy in my hand I slunk out of the garden again and slowly walked in the direction of my school, not really knowing where else to go.

 

Of course, the school gates were locked but even I knew where the gaps in the fence were though I’d never used them before. I managed to wriggle through one of the gaps, snagging my dress and tearing it in the process. The buildings seemed strange being empty and closed up when I was used to there being people everywhere. I don’t really know what I expected, I guess I had hoped that someone like the caretaker or the cleaner might be in there and left a door or a window open, but I couldn’t see any open windows and all the doors I tried were locked tight. I spent the rest of the day trying to keep out of the rain and find somewhere warm to stay.

 

It wasn’t warm by any means but I discovered that the bus shelters, on the opposite side of the school to the entrance I usually used, were covered over and at least dry. Someone had stacked a pile of old wooden pallets in one so it couldn’t be used but I found that I could climb the side of them and worm my way along between the pallets and the roof so I was well off the ground where rain could run through under the gap at the bottom of the shelter. It wasn’t comfortable and I got more than one splinter from the rough wood but the space was dry and seemed safe.

 

Time seemed to have no meaning anymore as I hid there. Between shivering and trying not to cry as I cursed my parents with my meagre stash of swear words, I must have dozed from time to time, hugging my poor teddy, who was as soaked through as I was. I had nothing to do but think and shiver so I tried to pick some of the worst burnt bits off Teddy’s fur, mourning his sorry state as though he were the last friend I had in the world. I tried to wring what water I could out of my dress but it wasn’t easy to do while I was wearing it and I didn’t want to risk trying to take it off, I knew it was ruined and would never be the same again, just like Teddy, but it was all I had to cover myself for now.

 

Without any reference for time, I didn’t really notice as the day wore on. The dim light in my shelter, combined with the grey day made it hard to tell where the sun might be and the constant drum of the rain hitting the metal roof near my head masked most of the sounds from the world outside. It wasn’t until I realised that even the gloom I had been sitting in was getting harder to see through that I realised the day was finally ending. I tried to cheer myself with the thought of my warm dry tracksuit that I could put on as soon as the school was unlocked in the morning.

 

I was torn as to how I was going to find Jenny, I had the option of just standing in one of the shelters and waiting for her to arrive, assuming she came by bus, or I could wait somewhere I knew she would almost definitely go before class. The problem with both options is that I didn’t want everyone to fuss over me. If I went to my locker first and got my PE kit I probably wouldn’t be so noticeable but I’d still stick out when everyone had their uniforms on and I didn’t.

 

At some point during the night, I began to get very muddled and it got hard to hold a thought in my head. I wasn’t properly aware as I stumbled around the school looking for Jenny, vaguely aware of other students shouting, staring and asking me things though I couldn’t be sure if I was dreaming them or if they were real.

 

Sam kept telling me to take my dress off while Mummy kept calling me a whore and Daddy was trying to pull me away, I kept trying to fight Daddy off but he kept holding me tighter as someone behind me kept putting something over my head that I had to keep shaking off so I could see what was happening. Whatever they put over my head, made the world dark and made all the sounds around me fade away as the darkness filled all my senses.

 

It's difficult to say when I really became conscious again. I think at first I was only aware of warmth and softness making me think I was in my bed. The clear, neutral scent of purified air was the first thing that began to make me question, the slightly cool, clean, taste of it as I breathed it in and felt it filling my throat and lungs in a way that normal air doesn’t. The light on my eyelids seemed dull but warm instead of the light I was used to in my room as it crept in the curtains in the mornings and somewhere a steady, beep; beep; beeping assaulted my ears in an unfamiliar pattern that irritated me. I knew that it wasn’t my alarm, I had one of those old-fashioned alarms with the bells on top so I had to wind it up every night and it didn’t beep.

 

My eyes felt like they had lead weights attached to them, they were so hard to open. The first thing I could see was the clear mask that covered my mouth and nose, beyond it I could see a nurse peering at me with concern and beyond her a room I didn’t recognise.

 

“Hey, welcome back.” She greeted me softly with a big smile.

 

“Huh?” I croaked realising my mouth and throat were dry as bone. I was still confused but wanting answers. “Where am I?” I managed to add as the nurse turned and picked up a mug with a straw in it before moving the mask and putting the straw to my lips so I could drink.

 

“It’s ok, you’re in hospital. Seems you had a bit of an adventure. Think you can manage to answer a few questions?” I drank from the straw and the warm liquid felt lovely to my throat, I swear I could feel it travelling down and splashing into my stomach which gave a loud gurgle and growl.

 

“I’ll try.” I mumbled, my voice feeling stronger after the drink.

 

“Can you tell me where you live?” The questions went on and on, the nurse soon being replaced by a police lady who was very kind and gentle with her questions about how I’d ended up in the state I had, where the cuts, burns and bruises had come from and why I hadn’t gone home. She didn’t explain much but she had an air of official concern and kept reassuring me that whatever I told her I would be safe and that I hadn’t done anything wrong.

 

When they finally let Jenny come in and see me I felt a lot more alive, though the memory of how cold I had been kept me hugging the covers around me. Jenny hugged me tighter than I’ve ever known her hug me before, I thought she was going to crush me. I had to explain everything again, as she sat quietly and listened, making appropriate noises of shock and disgust at my parents’ part. By the time I finished tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t stop the sobs that wracked me.

 

“… I don’t really remember what happened after that.” I sniffed heavily. Jenny reached for a box of tissues for me and sighed.

 

“Well…” she began, pulling a couple of tissues out and handing them to me “Not much really, by the time David from our class told me that you were acting crazy and looking for me the teachers had already found you and were trying to get you to go inside with them but you were fighting them like a mad woman, when I got there you didn’t really seem to recognise me but at least calmed down a bit and then you collapsed. The teachers got you inside and wrapped up while they waited for an ambulance to arrive and then you were whisked here, caused quite a commotion in the school, Mrs Magners and I have been here all morning. She says that your parents hung up on her when she said she was calling about you from the school, she was royally pissed off with them, it was quite funny.”

 

“So what happens now?” I asked, feeling hopeless and mentally exhausted.

 

“I don’t know really. Clearly, you can’t go home and I’m pretty sure that neither of your parents are coming I’m afraid.” The nurse bustled into the room with a trolley and began taking notes on a clipboard from things on the readout beside the bed as I burst into tears again.

 

“Hey, I’m not that scary.” The nurse commented in an attempt to make me smile. “I’m just going to need to put a thing in your ear for a moment to take your temperature, I promise it won’t hurt.”

 

“I think she’s more scared about what happens when the hospital stuff is over.” Jenny explained. And the nurse checked her notes again as she added my temperature.

 

“I can’t tell you details because it’s not my area of expertise but you’ll probably stay here for a little while then as soon as it can be arranged they will find you somewhere nice to stay for a few days while they sort out what’s happened at home ok? Try not to worry about it, everything will be ok. Now it’s gone lunchtime but you seem to be getting better so would you like me to see if I can find you something to eat? It won’t be much to start with, but I can get you something more later.” I nodded gratefully and the nurse bustled away again warning me that she’d be back soon.

 

While I ate the sandwich that the nurse brought me, Jenny was busy texting back and forth with someone, I didn’t want to pry so I didn’t ask who, though it seemed a serious conversation. Throughout the afternoon people came and went and I had to go over the situation again with each one as they asked questions and went away to work something out behind the scenes. The police came and went again, Mrs Magners came and went, pleased that I was alright but anxious to get back to the school. A doctor came and examined me, taking some pictures of my bruises and bandaging my feet. Nurses came regularly to take my temperature and some notes from the readouts on the machine.

 

A nice police lady came to see me in the afternoon. Sitting beside my hospital bed she spoke gently to me, while her partner stood at the end of the bed and stayed quiet. She explained that my parents were being uncooperative and refusing to acknowledge that I was even their daughter so I would have to go to a foster home for a little while until they could sort out what was going on. I’d tried to be brave and not burst into tears at everything, but I couldn’t hold them back any longer, realizing that I’d really screwed up my life and my parents were never going to let me go back to how things were. I wailed to Jenny that I didn’t want to live with strangers and she hugged me close murmuring that she was working on it. While the police lady tried to comfort me and look professionally detached. Half an hour later a woman in a pinstripe business suit swept into the room.

 

“Finally!” Jenny sighed as she noticed the woman. “It’s gonna be ok Jo, it’s all sorted now.” She added to me, still hugging me. “This is my mum, she’s here to take us both home, she managed to sort it so that you can stay with us ok?”

 

“I didn’t really do much. Jo? I’m Lucy. Let’s see about springing you from this place shall we?” The woman was energetic though she seemed very business-like as she introduced herself to me before talking to the police lady. While they were talking, I looked at Jenny, my heart full of questions I couldn’t voice because of the tightness in my throat.

 

“I asked her what we could do to help, she works in a lawyer’s office so I knew they would know what was what,” Jenny explained, obviously divining my biggest source of confusion.

 

“Why would you do that? I’m just a walking disaster, I ruin everything, even God doesn’t want me now.” Jenny put her hand on my lips and shushed me.

 

“Just let a friend help you out, for now, that’s what friends are for, isn’t it? We’ll work out the disasters as we get to them. Besides, I don’t wanna lose my friend because she moves away and I’m pretty sure you’ve lost enough already.”

 

“But…” Again she shushed me.

 

“I’m not taking no for an answer, you need help and mum and I together can give it, don’t worry about the rest yet.” I hadn’t got the strength to fight anymore so I gave in as graciously as I could.