Lyrical life.

Chapter 6

This is Halloween - Marilyn Manson

 

“I’ll pick up some pumpkins on the way home tonight, you think that Jo will want to carve one too? Which reminds me, you better let your friends know you won’t be able to make it to the disco on Friday if you’re going to stay here with her, I hope you don’t mind.” Lucy spoke rapidly as though she were checking things in her mind that she had to do that day.

 

“It’s fine, not like I’ve never been to one.” I heard Jenny reply. She and her mum were talking in the kitchen as I came down the stairs for breakfast before leaving for school.  It had been a busy few days since I’d started living with them, Police and social workers had been to see me, Mrs Magners checked on me every day at school, and I’d been told I should go see the councillor at least once a day though I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to say to him.

 

I was still angry with my parents and painfully aware of being a guest in someone else’s house, I really didn’t want them to be changing everything for me. I walked into the kitchen and carefully placed a slice of bread in the toaster as we all made our customary morning greetings.

 

“You don’t need to cancel anything for me.” I timidly tried to broach the subject I’d heard them talking about. They both looked at me as though I was an idiot.

 

“Sweetie, I’m not being mean but I’m not sure you should be on your own for a little while.” Lucy said calmly. “I know you’re a capable young lady but I don’t want there to be no one around if it all catches up with you again.” I knew she was referring to the day before when I’d not been able to stop crying and Mrs Magners had asked Lucy to go and get me from school early.

 

“But I don’t want to ruin your lives too.” The words burst from me before I could stop them.

 

“Who’s life is going to be ruined by not going to a single disco?” Jenny smiled. “Except yours, of course, you’ve never been to one, have you? Perhaps you should come with me if you don’t want me to cancel anything.” I was tempted and scared at the same time.

 

“Daddy always said they were debauched places full of drugs and stuff.” I commented in a hushed tone, unsure if I wanted to go and see what that was like or if I should avoid it and try to preserve the goodness in my soul. Jenny and Lucy laughed.

 

“Sweetie, it’s a school party. They’re not going to let it get crazy like that, it’s just some dancing and some fun with your schoolmates. There’s nothing sinister about it.”

 

“It’s just a chance to let your hair down and have some fun.” Jenny added. “If you are gonna join us though we’ll have to see what we can whip up for a costume for you cos it’s fancy dress this year.”

 

“I’ll just spoil everyone’s fun so I’ll stay here, I’ll be fine.” I spread my toast with the thinnest layer of chocolate spread I could manage so I didn’t use what someone else could.

 

“Sweetie, that’s not an option. Either you go have some fun too or Jenny stays here with you. Which would you rather?” Lucy’s tone was gentle but I could tell by her face that she wasn’t going to change her mind.

 

“All right, I’ll go to the disco.” I mumbled, thinking that maybe if I went I could slip away and Jenny could still have some fun.

 

“Good girl, we’ll sort you out something for a costume this evening, it’s probably a bit late to hire something but I’m sure we can whip something up, have a think about what you might want to dress up as, you never know, you might have some fun.”

 

“What is pumpkin carving for?” I asked, trying to change the subject. My question led into a whole discussion about Jack-o’-lanterns and Halloween which really confused me. I got the idea that it was supposed to ward off evil spirits but I didn’t really understand why it was supposed to be fun or fun to be scared by something they didn’t even believe in. Jenny tried hard to explain it but all that happened was I got more and more confused.

 

“Oh shit! Look at the time, we’re all going to be late.” I was shocked at Lucy’s bad language for something seemingly so trivial, as she realized that we’d been talking far too long and had missed our bus. I still wasn’t used to the way that Lucy swore so casually, I expected it of Jenny and Bekky but somehow, I’d thought that grown-ups didn’t use such language. “I’ll drop you girls at school on the way to work ok?” She offered as she bustled about, hastily finishing getting ready for work.

 

I was still slightly unsure about wearing the school uniform they had managed to scrape together out of spares that they kept. Being a girl and wearing trousers for anything other than pyjamas was still a novelty, something about it still felt wrong and naughty when I thought about how much Daddy would disapprove. So I was self-conscious sitting at my desk with Jenny and Bekky on either side of me like guardians. I was aware of the rumours going round the school about me and how some people were still laughing behind their hands at me about the fool I’d made of myself coming to school Monday morning. I was surprised at how quickly support had spread throughout the school, I was still finding cards posted into my locker saying that people I didn’t even know hoped I was feeling better and wishing me luck. A few of the cards had even had money tucked into them, which I’d taken to tucking into Lucy’s coat pocket because when I’d offered it to her she’d always refused to take it. The teacher quieted everyone and took the register to start the day, meaning I had to put my thoughts aside so I could concentrate, the first lesson on a Wednesday was always geography and I hated it so I was having to work hard to keep my grades even at the low level they were.

 

 

During lunchtime, I managed to find an empty computer in the library and looked up for myself what Halloween was supposed to be about. I knew that it was supposed to be a day that I prayed for God to look after the friends and family I had that had died but although Mummy and Daddy had parents, I didn’t remember meeting any of them, I don’t even know if I ever had so they didn’t mean a lot to me and none of the people I called friends had ever died. When I’d been taken to church for the service, I’d always pretended and imitated my parents. I didn’t think I’d be able to go to the service this year, I knew Mummy and Daddy would be there and I couldn’t decide how I felt about facing them. I had no idea what they might have told the pastor so I was scared to see him but most of all I was scared of what he might say god thought of someone who had sinned and been thrown out like me being there.

 

 

The Wiki page I found about it had too much information, giving me the full history of it from pagan times right through to its Christian origins. The total overload of information confused me more because I still couldn’t really understand what it was supposed to be for. I was clearly just too stupid to understand it. I didn’t get a chance to talk to Jenny or Bekky about it anymore until after school when Bekky decided to get on our bus and come back to Jenny’s house. We all crowded on together with another bunch of people, flashing our passes at the driver in such a way that he couldn’t really tell what bus we were supposed to use. He called me back and took my pass to examine it closely making me think we were busted, after peering at the picture for a long moment he compared it to my face and then boredly nodded, not even asking why mine was only a temporary one. I guess he must have assumed that I had lost my original one.

 

The three of us headed up the stairs to the second floor hoping we could snag the front or back seat but people had already taken them, forcing us to sit apart in the middle, Jenny and I on the double seat, Bekky on the single across the isle, making it difficult for us to talk.

 

 

We could finally talk when we got to Jenny’s house. The first thing the other two did was dump their bags in the hallway by the front door, raid the kitchen for drinks and chocolate then settle themselves in the living room and switch the tv on while they lounged and made themselves more comfortable. I hung my blazer on a hook by the door, took my bag up to my room and then joined them, wondering if I should bring up the thought of doing our homework before we sat with the TV.

 

“Jenny says you’re not sure what to do about Halloween.” Bekky started, her eyes glued to the TV though she didn’t seem that interested in it, her heavyset body slumped in an armchair in a way that reminded me of a sack of potatoes I’d seen Daddy lean against a wall once.

 

“It’s not that I don’t know what to do, it’s more that I don’t want to put Jenny and Lucy out. I don’t want them to change their plans just for me.” I sighed, throwing myself into a corner of the couch and hugging a cushion to me as though it could defend me from the world.

 

“I’ve got to take my cousins out trick or treating, you could come with us.” Bekky offered. Jenny caught my eye and indicated the drink and chocolate on the coffee table but I didn’t move.

 

“I know I’m stupid but I don’t even know what that is.” I complained, feeling, for what must have been the millionth time that week already, more than just a little out of my depth and idiotic. “I don’t really get what it’s supposed to be about, I mean why is everyone celebrating witches and anything unholy rather than praying for the souls that have left us?”

 

“I don’t think it’s a celebration of anything really, it’s just some fun and an excuse to get together with some friends after dark when the days are short.” Jenny said cautiously, clearly worried about saying something that might upset me.

 

“Trick or treating is just knocking on people’s doors and asking them to give you chocolate or sweets. It’s not celebrating anything.” Bekky spoke at the same time as Jenny but I heard them both.

 

“But what about the whole dressing up thing?”

 

“Just makes it a bit more fun.” Bekky shrugged.

 

“I suppose it’s also a kinda way to make things less scary like ghosts and stuff.”

 

“Oh em gee, you’re not scared of ghosts are you?” Bekky burst out laughing.

 

“No I’m not, I don’t believe they exist but some people are, it was just an example. Besides it’s better than being scared of clowns.” Jenny quickly defended herself with a smirk. I couldn’t help but be amused at their easy teasing of each other. The conversation looked as though it was going to descend into a mire of good-natured jibes as Bekky struck back with a comment about spiders which made Jenny visibly shudder. I wasn’t sure if I should add that I was scared of ghosts, well evil spirits but  Mummy had always said that was what other people called ghosts. But I couldn’t get a word in as my two friends fought.

 

“Wait a minute, Jo, you’ve never been trick or treating?” It seemed that Jenny suddenly caught up to what I’d mentioned earlier, turning serious and turning to me, I’m not sure if she was just changing the topic or if it really did concern her. “We have got to take you. We’ll probably get away with the same outfit you use for the disco, gotta come up with something for that, um, maybe a ghost or a zombie you think?” She added looking at Bekky.

 

“Gotta be a naughty nurse with her looks.” Bekky shot back.

 

“Oooh, that could be good, I’ve probably got some white tights and mums still got some white stilettoes, just gotta find a white miniskirt. What do you think Jo? The guys at the disco would be all over you and the men at the door would probably give you extra stuff if we made you look a bit slutty.”

 

“Think I might rather be a ghost, then at least I’d be invisible.” I complained, scared of what they were saying. I wouldn’t have minded Sam seeing me looking like what I thought a slut was but I was definitely scared I’d be seen by someone from the church and they would tell Mummy and Daddy, they already thought I was bad for encouraging Sam to have sex with me but if they thought that I was encouraging other men too they would just die of shame. The thought of them brought my mood crashing down again, for all that they had thrown me out they were my parents and I missed them. I missed Sam more of course but I would have done anything to be able to go home. Feeling sad and fed up with these two talking about things I didn’t really understand, I considered retreating to my room for a while. I couldn’t see how I could politely excuse myself so I just slouched lower and attempted to hide more behind my faithful defending cushion.

 

 “It will be ok.” Jenny moved closer to me on the couch and handed me the drink and chocolate she’d brought in for me. I realized that she and Bekky had been sitting in silence, watching me since I’d spoken and I hadn’t noticed.

 

“You don’t have to be a naughty nurse.” Bekky added, obviously concerned that was what had made my mood darker. “What would you like to go as?”

 

“I don’t, why can’t you understand? I don’t want to go out, I want to stay in bed, no one wants me around anyway, I’m already too bad for even my parents to want why would they? Clearly I’m just useless and stupid.” I yelled as I threw the can across the room. I didn’t mean to snap at them, they were my friends and as I heard the words coming out of my mouth, I felt even worse for taking it out on them. I couldn’t hold in my emotions anymore and could feel the prickle of tears welling in my eyes. Half embarrassed that I’d broken down and more than half angry at myself, flinging myself out of the sofa, running for my room, no longer able to face them.

 

 

In my room I locked the door and hurled myself on the bed, not caring that I hit my head on the wall as I did, the pain felt good and for a moment dulled the storm in my brain. I yelled and screamed into my pillow as I cried, throwing a tantrum worthy of any toddler. I didn’t care that I might be disturbing anyone anymore. I was angry and frustrated with myself, with my parents for forcing me into this position, with my friends for not knowing how much I was hurting and that they didn’t understand. I wished I could just die there and never be such a burden to anyone again,  that there was enough pain to make my parents miss me and accept me back. I must have worn myself out or at least passed out from smothering myself in my pillow, I know I was dreaming when I first heard the cautious knocking on my door.

 

“Jo, sweetie. Open the door.” Lucy wasn’t shouting but her voice penetrated my dream waking me. She waited for a moment, I guessed she was listening to see if I was moving before she knocked again. I ignored her figuring she would go away again if she thought I was asleep. My eye fell on the safety pin that I had on my bedside cabinet in case I needed it to tighten any clothes I’d borrowed, I grabbed it and swiftly dragged the sharp point across the back of my hand, causing a delicious pain and leaving a thin trail that slowly bloomed tiny blood spots. I must have made some kind of noise that Lucy heard because she knocked again.

 

“Jo, I’m going to come in, I’m unlocking the door from out here.” I hadn’t realized she even could unlock the door from outside. I heard the lock slide back and was looking up in surprise as Lucy opened the door. She didn’t burst in, but she didn’t creep in either, it struck me as strange how ordinary her entry was. She took in the room and assessed me with a single glance. She was all business as she crossed the room, pulling a packet of tissues from her pocket and pressing one on the back of my hand. She didn’t say anything about the scratch which was beginning to sting but sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me into a hug. At first, I fought her, trying to pull away but as my tears flowed again, eventually I relaxed into her embrace. She didn’t say anything, just patiently sat there holding me until I finally calmed enough to stop crying again.

 

“Sorry.” I mumbled as she let me sit more upright.

 

“You don’t need to be sorry, sweetie. You’ve got nothing to be sorry about, you’ve had a lot going on. Don’t try and carry it all yourself though, you can always talk to me. So come on, if you feel you can manage it, come downstairs, I’ll make some hot chocolate and you can explain everything to us, the girls are both worried about you.” Sniffing loudly I agreed I’d try.

 

By the time I made it to the living room, Lucy had already made hot chocolate for everyone and they were all waiting for me. The moment I entered the room, Jenny spoke up contritely, anguish all over her face.

 

“I’m sorry if we made you uncomfortable Jo, I got a bit carried away thinking of a costume for you.” She looked so upset I couldn’t help but forgive her.

 

“Come and sit down sweetie” Lucy patted the seat beside her. “There’s hot chocolate here for you and some yummies, tell us what you’re thinking and let’s see what we can do together ok?”

 

I sat down beside her, feeling more stupid and useless than ever, having caused them all so much worry, I wanted to run away and hide again but I made myself stay. Lucy handed me the mug of chocolate heaped with cream and marshmallows which cheered me up a little, Mummy had always insisted they weren’t necessary but I always wanted them. Lucy put her arm round me, not quite pulling me close like she had before but making sure I knew she was there and that she was supporting me. I looked at each of them and then hid behind my mug, not knowing how to start.

 

“Um, do you want me to go home so you can talk to Lucy and Jenny?” Bekky started. “I won’t be upset if that’s what you want.” I couldn’t meet her eye but I shook my head.

 

“I’m sorry for snapping at you.” I mumbled, feeling unsure and knowing I was making a fool of myself again. Jenny and Bekky both spoke at the same time expressing the thought that I shouldn’t worry about it.

 

“Now what can we do to help?” Lucy asked and I had to take a moment to think about what I wanted to say, I covered myself by taking a sip of my chocolate, letting its rich warmness fill my mouth though it was too hot to drink still.

 

“I know I’m only staying here for a little while. I um, I don’t want you to change your plans just because I’m here making things difficult for you. I can stay here on my own, I promise I won’t steal anything or anything like that.” I managed to force the words out and felt Lucy’s arm tighten around me.

 

“Sweetie, you can be here as long as you want to be here. Shit, I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to see any of your family again. It’s not that I don’t trust you, I’m just not comfortable leaving you to your thoughts at the moment, your family said some things that would hurt anyone and I know they will eat away at you till you believe they are true. You are worth more than you think and you have a lot of people here for you.” Lucy explained, pushing me dangerously close to tears again.

 

“If you need me to cancel things I will, it’s a small price to pay.” Jenny added. “I’d rather include you and have some fun together though.” Bekky nodded and took a big mouthful of her chocolate, getting cream on her nose making me fight to suppress a small laugh, especially when she sat back in the armchair again with a great big blob of it hanging off her nose, I couldn’t help but watch it, waiting for it to fall.

 

“I don’t wanna stick out though, I just wanna hide.” I knew I was whining but I didn’t really care and they didn’t seem to mind.

 

“We could all stay here and watch a film or something if you would rather then.” Jenny offered.

 

“Instead of going to the disco?” Lucy made sure she knew what we were talking about before she continued at Jenny’s nod. “What is it that you aren’t sure about with the disco Jo?”

 

“There’s all the trouble of finding or making a costume at short notice and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or what it’s going to be like. I’m pretty sure that I’ll just make it miserable for everyone else anyway, I’m sure they don’t want me there.”

 

“I want you there.” Bekky said at the same time as Jenny spoke.

 

“We want you there.”

 

“Well making up a costume isn’t really hard work and it’s just a chance to have some fun with your school friends, do some dancing, have a laugh and generally enjoy some of your youth.”

 

“But we’re not supposed to enjoy ourselves too much, God says it wrong, we should be worshipping him and doing our best to live upright lives.” I was aware that although Daddy said I’d fallen from God’s favour, I should probably at least still try.

 

“Actually the bible doesn’t say that having a good time is wrong, doesn’t even say that dancing is wrong, just says that you need to avoid only seeking pleasure.” Bekky had a thoughtful look on her face. “Bible talks about Jesus going to at least one party and often talks about him drinking, getting in fights and having good food with his friends.” I was a little stunned by the thought. I hadn’t considered it in quite such a way before.

 

“I can’t be slutty though, I don’t know how.” Lucy looked at each of us, her question clear on her face though she didn’t say anything.

 

“We thought maybe a naughty nurse costume would be easy.” Jenny explained looking a little embarrassed.

 

“Not the most appropriate though.” Lucy’s voice was wry. “I would have thought that something like a stick person would be better, black trousers, black top and glow sticks to make the stick figure, not complicated or difficult and effective in a disco. When the lights are low it will light up but it shouldn’t make Jo uncomfortable.” She explained the concept so I could understand it but I saw the others understood as soon as she mentioned it.

 

“I didn’t think of that.” Jenny smiled brightly, her enthusiasm spilling out to fill the room like light.

 

“I think that would be ok.” I caught some of Jenny’s enthusiasm though I was still nervous.

 

“Wonderful, now we’ve sorted that out, who’s for pumpkin carving?”

 

Because it was a vegetable thing we set up in the kitchen, I expected it to be somewhat like the arty things I’d done with the church where the kids were set to do the art stuff and the mums all stayed out the way to drink and gossip. Lucy surprised me though, she had her own pumpkin to carve and was very helpful when I told her I didn’t really know what I was supposed to do. She helped me carve the top out so I could put it back in again when I was done and she helped me scoop all the icky insides out before it was ready to cut a face into. Jenny and Bekky worked on one together, so I got an idea of how it was supposed to work by watching them. I hadn’t realized before how good they were at art, Jenny drew a face on the front of the pumpkin with a marker and Bekky carved it out with a variety of knives and scoops, making a three-dimensional face that appeared to be winking and sticking its tongue out. Mine felt very amateur and looked as though a child had done it compared to theirs but even Lucy said she felt as though she could never do anything that good either. So I felt a little better. It was late by the time I got to bed that night and I’d all but forgotten my outburst earlier, it wasn’t until I tried to sleep that my thoughts came back. At some point I slept because I know I dreamt of the kinda things I saw in a cartoon of Sam’s.

 

I was back sitting in the front garden, after Daddy had thrown me out of the house. I had a devil on one side of me and an angel on the other talking to me. The devil had Jenny and Bekky’s pumpkin for a head, I could clearly see its face and it kept making me want to laugh, he insisted that I was better off out of my parent’s house and they had been mean to me. The angel’s face was hard to see but I somehow knew it had our pastor’s face and Mummy’s voice, she kept saying that I was evil and needed to be punished, that it wasn’t until I’d felt the full pain of from my choices and had my sin burned from my soul that I could begin to repent. Suddenly Daddy and the angel were pushing me into the fire that Daddy had thrown all my things into and I could feel the pain in my feet as it began to burn me as I begged them to forgive me and not to burn me up.

 

I woke up sobbing again. The dark thoughts of how bad I had been and how much I deserved to be punished hanging in my head like storm clouds.

 

I dragged myself through school that day, getting sent to the councillor by Mrs Magners and by Mr Anderson, our science teacher, who usually notices nothing about his students. I really didn’t know what to tell the councillor, he was kind and gentle, he never seemed too busy to talk and always insisted that there was nothing more important than what I thought at the time, no matter how silly or trivial I thought it was. He noticed the thin dotted line of scabs across the back of my hand immediately, demanding to know what had happened and seeming no less concerned when I brushed it off as just a scratch. He seemed happy that I was planning on going to the disco though and made me promise to let him get a picture of me in my costume.

 

At Jenny’s house, Lucy didn’t give me time to worry about anything, she made sure that I was busy all the time. Jenny complained about being made to sit and do her homework when she didn’t think she needed to do it immediately because it wasn’t due for another week but Lucy was firm about it, explaining that because I was used to doing it when I got in from school it wouldn’t hurt her to get into the habit too. She’d also found some black clothes that she wanted me to try on for my costume so she spent ages making sure that I was comfortable in them and that I could move any way I wanted to. We watched a film called the nightmare before Christmas which Jenny said was in the spirit of Halloween but wasn’t scary. I thought it was a bit silly, why would a skeleton want to be Father Christmas anyway?

 

The next day at school no one got much work done in the afternoon, everyone had a degree of excitement about the disco in the evening, some of the teachers gave up on any kind of teaching, finding it too hard to control their excited students, and had us all doing things for the disco, blowing up balloons, taping up pictures of bats, skulls or pumpkin heads. Jenny and I didn’t get the bus back to hers, deciding that it was easier to just stay at school until after the disco when Bekky’s dad would give us a ride home.

 

As we were there and waiting for the disco, we got asked to help set up the hall for the disco, putting tables together for food and drinks, fetching things teachers needed and generally being used to save teachers as much time and effort as possible while they hung banners and streamers from the ceiling, standing cardboard skeletons in odd places and dressing some of them up.

 

 It was the first time I’d ever stayed after school for a function and I got to see a completely different side of the teachers, they laughed, drank hot drinks and generally fooled around like ordinary people. Mr Blount, the head teacher, stalked around the school dressed as a vampire, complete with a cloak and slicked-back hair apparently avoiding any work and amusing those of us there by pretending to play the piano on a desk and being silly. The school counsellor, Mr Kernoghan pranced about dressed in a massive ballgown, high piled blonde wig on his head, wings on his back and a thin stick with a star on the top in his gloved hand. His stubbly chin made the whole thing look utterly ridiculous as he did his best to pretend to be doing magic that made the hall ready for the disco.

 

When others started arriving I had a few mean comments about how childish my costume was but I didn’t really know the girls that made the comments so I tried to ignore them as the evening went on. Jenny’s costume was the tightest pair of shorts that she’d dyed one half of. Some fishnet tights, a tight vest top and a Jacket. She put her hair in bunches and used spray stuff to colour the ends of the pigtails to match the jacket and shorts so one side was red and one side was blue. She said it was a character from a film I’d never heard of, she’d wanted to carry a baseball bat around with her but Lucy had thought it would be a bad idea because she’d probably forget it somewhere and they were expensive so she’d opted to leave that out. I suspected that Lucy knew the teachers wouldn’t have been happy about it either and that the expense had been more of an excuse.

 

It took me a moment to recognise Jason, he was dressed in a ridiculously bright red suit with an orange waistcoat and a green shirt that clashed violently. He’d even painted his face like a clown and his hair was bright green. He came up behind Jenny, whirling her round and sweeping her backwards into his arms, leaning over her as though he was giving her a passionate kiss while she hung onto him like he might drop her and giggled uncontrollably.

 

Watching them I felt terribly inadequate and underdone in my simple costume. I even felt a bit jealous of their relationship, wishing I could have had such openness with Sam for all to see our affection. I shook my head and told myself not to be so silly, I knew I’d die of embarrassment if he ever did anything like Jason had. I still missed him and wondered if he was ok, wishing that he could have been there with me and I could have shown him off to everyone.

 

Jenny and Bekky stuck near me as the disco started which meant that Jason did too. He dragged Jenny off from time to time to dance in the middle of the crowd which looked to me more as though they were having some kind of mass fit rather than dancing as they flailed, gyrated and squirmed together. While they were dancing, Bekky made sure I’d be ok waiting and headed off to the bathroom so I was left standing by the table of drinks on my own. I wasn’t really paying attention to other people, just watching Jenny and Jason, so I didn’t notice some girls that weren’t from my class gathering around the table.

 

“Oh you poor thing, did you lose a bet?” One of them asked loudly enough to be heard over the music, I didn’t even realise she was talking to me till she stood right in front of me.

 

“I’d rather die than wear a costume like that. My six-year-old brother outgrew that kind of thing last year.” Another giggled.

 

“Don’t be too harsh.” A third one chimed in giving me hope that she was going to be nice. “I heard she’s only here because her parents couldn’t stand her anymore.”

 

“She’s probably just acting poor to get the boy’s attention.” The first one sneered as she picked up a can of drink from the table, deliberately shaking it and pulling the tab on the top so it sprayed me.

 

“Nah, if she got thrown out by her parents she’s probably desperate for money. She’s probably a total slut and will spread her legs for any boy that offered her a quid.” The third one laughed before looking at me again, “You should talk to Louise Harrison, she’ll give you a few tips on how to be a good whore.” The trio all laughed.

 

I knew the clothes wouldn’t stain too easily because they were black but I wanted to be able to give them back to Lucy so I brushed at the sticky drops that were already beginning to soak in. One of the girls snatched a glowstick out of its arrangement on my costume, chewed the end off and tipped the contents over my head. While the third pushed a sticky cupcake into my face and smeared it down the front of the hoody.

 

“There you go something for later.” She giggled.

 

 I looked around desperately to find my friends but I couldn’t see Jenny or Jason anymore and Bekky was talking with some of her other friends on the other side of the room. I suddenly realized how alone I was although the room was full of noise and people, I was completely alone.

 

Breaking away from the mean girls I hurried down one of the hallways outside the main hall, heading for my locker, where I’d left my uniform, figuring that I would be better off if I got out of my costume and put on more ordinary clothes on. As I passed the stairs up to the next floor, a boy jumped out at me, growling ferociously before he ran off laughing his head off. The fright was the last straw and, as felt like it was becoming a habit now, I burst into tears.

 

Huddling there in the darkness I cried as I’ve never cried since, the tears just wouldn’t stop as inside, the memories kept flashing before my eyes and surfacing one after another. Reminding me how much I was trash and no one wanted me anymore, how I wasn’t good enough for anything and how I shouldn’t have been there in the first place. I don’t know how long I was there on my own but I know I hadn’t got any tears left by the time Jenny found me. She and Jason sauntered along the corridor, hand in hand, as they looked for me.

 

It only took Jenny one glance to recognize me, I guess the costume probably gave me away as the remaining glow sticks glimmered weakly in the darkness. She seemed to know almost immediately that I’d been crying, She sat down beside me and ordered Jason to go find Bekky as she put her arm around me. I was done though, I felt I’d used up all my emotions and was left just being hollow, nothing left inside, numb. Bekky ran up to join us, sitting on the other side of me and trying to comfort me the same way Jenny was and grumbling dire threats about what would happen if she found out which girls had been bullying me. Jason didn’t seem to know what to do, hovering close by, clearly not wanting to leave but also not sure if he was intruding by being there.