Lyrical Life

Chapter 9

Valentine - 5 Seconds of Summer

 

 

“…more in love every day. Valentine…” The radio was playing a song about valentines as I dragged myself into the kitchen for breakfast. It had become part of my routine by now, the three of us met for breakfast in the kitchen, compared schedules for the day before Lucy headed to work and Jenny and I went to school. The end of the song was drowned out by the sounds of cereal hitting the bowl and the rattle of the fridge door as I opened and closed it. Lucy seemed to be in a good mood as she read things on her phone and absently gulped coffee. Jenny breezed into the room, and absently threw bread in the toaster making Lucy look up from her phone again.

 

“Any plans for after school?” She was asking both of us though her eyes flicked back to her phone as soon as she saw who was making the toast.

 

“Not today. Probably just come home. Are we out of juice?” Jenny asked, her head in the fridge as she looked for her usual morning drink.

 

“I haven’t been shopping yet but I’m going after work, is there anything else you want?”

 

“Unusual for you to go shopping on a Friday.” I commented, my mouth still full of cereal.

 

“It’s Valentine’s tomorrow though, so it will be stupid busy with men who forgot.” Jenny laughed. “Thank god Jason isn’t as thick as that, he’s been planning our date for weeks.” Lucy rolled her eyes, we’d heard similar lines from Jenny ever since Jason had asked her to reserve the day entirely for him. I tried to keep my jealousy from being visible, I was happy for them and they were so cute together, but I missed Sam and I wished that I could have gone out for a day with him.

 

It had now been four months since my parents threw me out and I last saw him. Life was beginning to settle down into a new normal for me, but his absence was still like a hole in my heart, I had no idea what was happening in his life, how much he was missing me, or anything. The new things I’d been learning about how life worked for people who weren’t religious seemed to just make me miss him more and make me sad that I’d missed out on them with him. Valentine’s day was just the latest example, it had been all over the radio and tv for weeks and by now I was more than just a little fed up with it. I’d tried having a conversation with Jenny and Bekky about how it was supposed to be a religious day in celebration of Saint Valentine and his martyrdom but wasn’t really associated with love and romance until at least two hundred years after his death when one of the popes replaced a pagan holiday with the holy day of Valentine. Jenny didn’t really care about its origin though, just what it had become and the fact that she was out for the day with Jason. Bekky agreed that it was strange how it had become more about lust and sex than the saint himself but thought that it was good to have a tradition that celebrates love.

 

“What about you?” Lucy’s voice broke through my thoughts, snapping me back to the moment.

 

“Nothing really, no plans this evening, just come home and do my homework like usual I guess.”

 

“Is Bekky coming over?”

 

“I doubt it, she’s coming over tomorrow anyway.” I mumbled round the bowl, Mummy had always complained about me picking up the bowl and drinking the last of the milk out of it but Lucy didn’t think it was “uncouth” as Mummy had called it.

 

“That’s good, I was worrying about you being home alone all day...”

 

“I thought that you were going to be here except for shopping.” Jenny spoke across her mum.

 

“I did tell you I’m going out to lunch with Adeela, she and her husband don’t do Valentine’s and as he’s going out to play football with his friends, she decided she was going to spoil herself a little while there’s a good offer on at the restaurant. If you two don’t hurry, you’re going to miss the bus though.” I glanced at the clock on the oven and realised she was right.

 

School was boring as always. Mr Kernoghan had suggested that maybe it might be a good idea for me to help out in the school library. I think that he really just wanted someone to keep an eye on me after Lucy had told him about my self-harm attempts but he’d phrased it as a way for me to keep busy and not have a chance to dwell on things. I was also having to study hard so I could catch up to the rest of the class where my grades had slipped, meaning I was busy all the time, even during lunchtime most days.

 

By the time we got home again, I was tired but pleased that I didn’t have a mountain of homework for the weekend. I’d finished most of it by the time Lucy got home with the shopping. It was getting dark outside when we had brought it all in and put it all away in the cupboards and no one wanted to do much of anything, Lucy cooked a pizza she had bought and we ate it in the lounge while we watched some film that was about a girl trying to find out who her dad was before she got married and had lots of songs in it that Lucy and Jenny seemed to know and sang along to. It wasn’t really the most in-depth story but I found it made me miss Sam again with the whole thought of getting married and knowing that there was no way Daddy was ever going to attend my wedding should I have one was quite depressing.

 

 I wrote my thoughts and feelings out in my journal that night when I went to bed but it didn’t really help much apart from making me realize that life was just carrying on and that although I might be jealous of Jenny and Jason, I could still cling to my hope of seeing Sam again.

 

Saturday morning was madness. I’d taken to enjoying a lay-in because I didn’t have to get up early for school but Jenny was up an hour earlier than she would be during the week, crashing around, panicking that she wouldn’t be ready in time and spending hours in the bathroom. By the time Jason arrived at ten o’clock, I swear she’d already been through a dozen different outfits. I knew they had been planning the date for ages and wanted it to go perfectly, but it seemed a little over the top.

 

Jason arrived with flowers for Lucy and a box of chocolates for me though I suspected that Jenny had told him to get them for me so I didn’t feel left out or something. I knew it wasn’t their first date but they were just so cute together, they seemed nervous and excited and kind of in a world of their own. I felt I couldn’t be jealous anymore, I just wished that I could have a little of their happiness to spend with my Sam. Lucy seemed a little emotional as she watched them leave but I didn’t have much time to notice as Bekky arrived and Lucy decided that it was time for her to get ready to go out.

 

I felt a bit strange about being in the house alone with someone who didn’t live there. I don’t know if Bekky knew it was the first time I’d ever had a friend over without grown-ups being in the next room but she didn’t seem bothered by it, I guessed that she must have been over enough before I came to live there to think nothing of it. She seemed a little tense though and I wondered if maybe it was because we didn’t often spend time together without Jenny so she didn’t know what to say. I tried to remember how Mummy had done things when her friends came to visit, I couldn’t think of anything new in the house, perhaps I should show her something in the garden? We hadn’t done anything out there and I had no idea if she would be interested or not.

 

“Um, do…” I started

 

“What you wanna do?” We spoke at the same time and Bekky laughed.

 

“I don’t really know.” I confessed smiling at how silly it was. “I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do, Mummy’s friends used to come over to see her but they were always so boring.” Bekky laughed again.

 

“Oh god, I’ll bet they were. You don’t have to do anything you don’t normally do. Lucy said to help ourselves to what we wanted.”

 

“Aren’t I supposed to be like a host or something?” Becky’s grin told me that she was trying not to laugh at me again.

 

“We’re just two friends hanging out, it’s not a party. Just put the tv on something.” Knowing that she liked having the music channels on when she was with Jenny I searched for one, settling on one that I’d seen her play before called Kerrang. Mummy would have called it demonic and obnoxious but Bekky and Jenny seemed to listen to the music on it a lot so I’d gotten to like some of it too.

 

As it was Valentine’s day there was a lot of music that was supposed to be romantic on.

 

“I don’t get how that’s meant to be romantic.” I complained aloud as a song finished.

 

“It’s not really, it’s probably just a convenient trope.” Bekky offered.

 

“I mean I get that he’s saying all the presents and stuff doesn’t matter to him so long as he gets to be with her tonight but it’s not really about dating her or anything.”

 

“No, it’s about sex really. Most songs are.”

 

“This one is nice, kinda makes me think of Sam though, “all of my life I’ve been waiting for you.” Feels like I’ve got to wait all my life for him.”

 

“You’ll see him again. Then you can go on as many dates as you like.” I could tell that Bekky was trying to be supportive.

 

“Till we get married I guess.”

 

“You can be married and go on dates together, it’s not like it’s one thing or the other.”

 

“What even is a date then?”

 

“Just spending time with someone you love I guess.”

 

“I thought it was supposed to be a whole thing like with Jenny and Jason, you know go out and do something then have dinner together and stuff like that. Kinda the guy showing off how well he would look after the girl when they are married. At our church, they were always saying how you shouldn’t date anyone till you are ready to marry that person and how dating is so bad.”

 

“I guess if you’re thinking about it in terms of getting married, which is way old-fashioned by the way, then I guess it would be getting to know what it’s like to be with them all the time and what they like and stuff like that. It’s just about having some fun and spending time together. Doesn’t really have to include dinner, it’s just convenient timing for most people these days.”

 

“So why did they always say it was so bad at church?”

 

“Most churches seem to be against sex so I expect that had something to do with it.”

 

“You mean a date is supposed to include sex?” I was rather shocked at the idea but Bekky laughed again.

 

“Not necessarily, it can, but it doesn’t have to.”

 

“I don’t get it, is there some kind of rule book or something for it?”

 

“It’s not that complicated, it’s just spending time with someone you love and being close to them, sometimes if they both feel it’s right to, they might choose to express that closeness and emotion to each other after.”

 

“Have you ever been on a date with a guy?”

 

“Hell no, boys are just stupid, then, they grow into men.”

 

“Why are they stupid? They can be nice.”

 

“Yea, when they think they have a chance to get in your pants. They just are disgusting, you know, when my brother went back to Uni after new year, he didn’t even clean his room.” She grumped.

 

“Well yea some people aren’t tidy, Sam used to keep his room clean though, I peeked in there once and he told me it was one of the things he had to do every day.”

 

“Yea, I’ll bet he drops it the moment someone else can do it for him though.”

 

“Like you can talk, your room was a mess anyway.” The joke slipped out of my mouth before I had really thought about it and I had a moment’s panic, not sure if she would take me seriously or understand it was a joke.

 

“My room’s always messy but it is clean.” She seemed to brush my comment off as though she knew it was a joke so I didn’t worry as much.

 

“Why are we even talking about it? Neither of us has even been on a date!” As I realised it, the words came out my mouth and I laughed at how silly it was that we were discussing dates and neither of us knew what it was like to go on one.

 

“I didn’t say I hadn’t been on a date, just not a date with a male.” Bekky admitted, cautiously watching my face and waiting for the words to sink in.

 

“But how can you have…” My mouth ran on as the thought sank in and I had to look at her again before I asked what I thought she had to mean. I know you’ve been places with Jenny and me but that’s not really a date, that’s just friends meeting up isn’t it?”

 

“That was just to go shopping and stuff not like dates really but I’ve also been on a date with another girl.”

 

“Wait, what? Are you gay?” I whispered the last word as though it was something that I shouldn’t say, something worse than a swear word. Bekky laughed as though it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard but she agreed.

 

“I thought you knew that.” I could see the laughter in her eyes as though she were laughing to herself at my surprise. I was shocked, and had to look at her in a completely new way. I’d been spending time with her, I’d even stayed at her house and had no idea.

 

“But, you’re so normal.” I blurted out.

 

“Well yea, I’m still a person, what did you think a gay person would be like?”

 

“Well Mummy always said they were dirty and debased, lascivious people that were sick. Made me kinda think they were like monsters and couldn’t help themselves, kinda like animals I suppose.” I was embarrassed and unsettled, I didn’t know what to think.

 

“And so much of what your parents said is how things really are.” The tone of Bekky’s voice was heavily sarcastic but I could see by the way she was still laughing that she was more amused than upset.

 

“But god said it’s bad.” I clung to the thought that I’d heard over and over again at church, not at all sure how I should deal with the bombshell Bekky had dropped on my beliefs.

 

“Did he?” Bekky asked, a more serious note in her voice. “You know the only one that mentions it in the new testament is Paul and he only mentioned it because he was gay for Jesus.”

 

“What? No way! Jesus wasn’t gay, the bible says he had no sin so he can’t have been!”

 

“Two things, If being gay wasn’t a sin then he wouldn’t have had sin if he was and second, there’s nothing that says he actually had a gay relationship, I only said that Paul was gay for him, never said anything about him acting on it.”

 

“Shit!” Swearing still felt a little deliciously naughty to me but I’d come to realise that it was often the way to be most expressive and I couldn’t think of anything else that would fit how stunned I was. Bekky was watching me and obviously enjoying my reaction. “What does it feel like?” I managed to ask.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“What does it feel like being gay? What does it feel like to love a girl instead of a guy?” The question rushed out of me before I’d even really thought about it and I heard Bekky sigh as though it was a disappointing question.

 

“I don’t feel any different, love is love, it just is. I guess I just don’t feel attracted to guys. The thought of seeing them doesn’t really do anything for me. Like Jenny used to get all funny about seeing a guy without his shirt on in a film or something and I just didn’t feel anything about it, but seeing a girl in her underwear on a film made me feel something.”

 

“But isn’t that just because you haven’t found the right guy and tried having sex with him? I mean at some point you’re going to want babies aren’t you?” Bekky laughed a short bark of laughter.

 

“Jo there are other ways to have kids these days, men are optional. I don’t need a cock to scratch that itch and there are things I wanna do like travel and stuff, kids just get in the way of things like that. Maybe then I’ll think about it, I’ll see what comes.”

 

“Does that mean that you don’t want to have sex then?”

 

“When I see someone I like I think of kissing her and doing stuff yea, of course, I get that need same as everyone.”

 

“You’ve seen Jenny changing loads of times, oh my god, you’ve seen me getting changed too, do you get, you know, hot, then?” The thought occurred to me and I wasn’t really sure if I should be horrified or not.

 

“Do you get hot when you see just any guy?” She asked, the laughter having gone out of her eyes though she still grinned.

 

“Well no, course not.”

 

“There you go then. Gay people aren’t some kind of subspecies or anything, we’re just the same. Try and think of it like having a different taste for something, some people like bananas, others like oranges more. Same thing.”

 

What she said seemed to make sense to me in a way that the church’s absolute hatred for gay people never had. Bekky and I had been friends for some time but I think I must have interrogated her more that afternoon than I ever had before. I asked her everything that came into my head about being gay and she answered everything without telling me I was being silly or rude.

 

When Lucy got home she joined us in the lounge, bringing out a bottle of wine and sharing it with us as we all talked, I kept asking questions and Lucy added things about when Henry had accepted that he was gay, I hadn’t realized that they had still been together when he came out as gay and that she had supported him. Somehow I’d always thought she resented Brad taking Henry away and just hid it for Jenny’s sake.

 

Jenny and Jason didn’t get back till after Bekky had left and I’d retired to my room. I was thinking a lot about what Bekky had told me and how the image my parents had given me of gay people didn’t seem to match up with reality. I fell asleep reading on the internet.

 

Sunday morning, I dragged myself down the stairs after I’d laid in bed for a while, luxuriating in the warmth and lack of pressure to get up. I liked the fact that I didn’t have to be at church early in the morning though I also still felt a bit guilty about not going. Lucy was already flitting about the kitchen as she usually did on a Sunday morning, she had encouraged me to lay in when I’d first come to live with them, saying that Sunday was her only day to clean and have some time to herself at home properly.

 

I was in the middle of eating my breakfast when Jason slunk into the room, his feet bare and still wearing the same top he’d been wearing the day before. Lucy told him to help himself to breakfast and asked if Jenny would be down soon too.

 

“She’s still sleeping.” He replied with a smile. It took me a moment to realize how he could have possibly known she was still asleep.

 

“You must have worn her out last night then.” Lucy teased him. He smiled a little sheepishly and apologized.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t think we made that much noise.”

 

“It’s fine as long as you remember the rules, I’m not ready to be a grandma yet.” Lucy laughed. I stared at them, not sure I could believe that she not only knew they’d been having sex but she didn’t disapprove. I’d somehow thought it was something that all parents were upset by.