Lyrical life

Chapter 10

Money, money, money

 

“Getting home from school on a Friday afternoon has to be one of the best times of the week.” Jenny sighed flopping onto the couch.

“It really is.” I agreed, lounging on the other end of the couch. “I don’t think I’ve even got the energy to go and get changed.”

“What do you need to get changed for? Just relax where you are, there’s nothing needs doing today is there?” Bekky huffed as she sprawled in the armchair.

“I should get out of these clothes though.” I complained.

“Why?”

“I can’t get comfortable.”

“Just take it off.” Bekky smirked.

“Huh?” I couldn’t believe that she was talking about what I thought she was referring to.

“You’ve been fidgeting with it all week, look it’s not that hard.” Bekky contorted herself for a moment then pulled her bra out of her sleeve with a sigh of relief.

“I can’t do that.” I squeaked, part in embarrassment and partly in shock that she would actually do that.

“Why not? We’re all girls.” Jenny laughed and copied Bekky, producing a rather lacy black and red bra from her sleeve. The way she spread it over the arm of the couch was amusing but I was still embarrassed as I tried to give in with good grace, knowing that they wouldn’t leave the subject alone if I didn’t. I let out a big sigh of relief without really meaning to as I undid the clasp and it came loose. The other two usually took their ties off the moment they left school but I never did so I had to remove mine and undo a couple of buttons on my shirt to get my bra off, but I finally produced the instrument of torture, its aged black straps dangling limply as I pulled it out.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re still wearing that old thing.” Jenny giggled as Bekky cheered me dumping the thing on the couch.

“It’s not like I’ve got anything else.” I complained, feeling a little hurt that Jenny would make a comment like that knowing that I had had to borrow it from her when I arrived.

“Why don’t you just go buy a new one? Mum would give you the money you need.”

“I don’t like to borrow more money than I have to off her.” I mumbled, it was a frequent topic between the two of us, Jenny just expected her mum to give her money for things she wanted while I still tried hard not to take advantage of Lucy’s generosity. “Besides, Mummy always used to get them, I wouldn’t know what to get.”

“You clearly need something that fits better.” Bekky offered, her tone sounding a little reproving to me. “It’s not good to have one that doesn’t fit properly. I‘ll go with you if you want.”

“Yay, shopping trip.” Jenny squealed. “We’ll all go tomorrow.”

“Isn’t Jason coming over to see you tomorrow?” Bekky asked a little caustically.

“Oh, he won’t mind coming with us, he can make himself useful and carry stuff for us.” Jenny decided for her boyfriend, knowing that he wouldn’t complain if it was something she asked of him. I was more dubious, dreading his jokes about an already embarrassing thing. Bekkys scowl told me that she wasn’t looking forward to Jason being there either.

Jenny embarrassed me the moment Lucy got home from work, announcing our plans for the next day as she walked in the door. I know that its something that has to be talked about from time to time but as we were going shopping ourselves, I didn’t really think that Lucy needed to be told all the details of how it didn’t fit and how I’d never bought one before. As usual Lucy didn’t seem to fuss about it though. Mummy would have hushed me and made me talk about it in private with her, careful not to mention anything about it near anyone else as though it was something dirty.

Lucy just treated it as something ordinary, she insisted on making me an appointment to get a proper fitting for a bra at a shop telling me that they would help me know what would fit properly and what looked best on me so I would know for the future when I wanted to buy any others. She even suggested that it might be better to have Bekky join Jenny and I after the fitting so that there weren’t so many people there.

I was enjoying my Saturday morning lay-in, drowsily drifting in and out of sleep, knowing that I didn’t have to get up when Lucy tapped on my door.

“Jo sweetie, remember you have an appointment in town at ten thirty. I’m sorry I couldn’t get one later.” She didn’t come in my room, but I was aware of her waiting for a reply.

“Yea I’m now getting up.” I complained, irritated that I had to cut my lay-on short and already feeling the fingers of nervousness gripping me. I hurried to get dressed and eat breakfast, Jenny dragged herself around, complaining loudly about how she didn’t have time to get ready properly and grumping that Jason was supposed to be coming over so she couldn’t leave yet. Lucy finally told her to either wait for him at home on her own or to tell him that she wouldn’t be there.

Deciding that she didn’t want to miss out on the chance to go shopping, Jenny came with us but she sulked all the way there.

The shop that Lucy had gotten the appointment for me at was one I’d walked past quite often before, Mummy had always hurried past it tutting or deliberately not looking at the mannequins in the window. She’d always told me that it was sinful that such a place existed and worse that they displayed immoral things in the window, things that showed how lustful unbelievers were. I was anxious about the whole thing and seeing it was the shop that Mummy had hated so much made me consider cancelling the whole thing but Jenny gave me an amused shove when she saw me hesitating, making me stumble forward through the doors.

Inside the shop was like a totally different place to outside. There weren’t a lot of people, the music was low and calming and the temperature was pleasant. I had expected to be a little uneasy about mannequins dressed only in underwear being all round the room but it wasn’t like that at all. The few there were, were tastefully arranged to draw attention to offers or new lines but not seem as though they were imposing on the space. Mostly they were just kinda half mannequins so they had no heads or legs, just enough to display the bras and panties.

We were met by a pretty lady who led us to a comfortable room upstairs where Jenny and Lucy could wait then led me through a curtain to a smaller changing room where she could help me in private without anyone else being able to see anything. I started to get really nervous then, I was alone with a complete stranger, Lucy and Jenny weren’t far away, I could hear Lucy telling Jenny she was probably making me nervous and as it would take a while she could go do some shopping and come back later or she would call her and tell her when I was finished and arrange where to meet her.

The lady was patient and kind, explaining to me how to make sure that the cup sizes were right, trying to help me relax with a gentle banter offering to stay outside the cubicle as I tried different bras on and recommending different styles she thought might be more comfortable when I said something didn’t feel right. Explaining that I’d have to look at different sizes quite regularly because I’d be growing still at my age, she also explained that I might even need to wear a different size at different times of the month. It was hard for me to relax when she needed to look at how they fitted but she seemed to know I was finding it awkward and weird. She chatted away to me, asking questions and seeming to be genuinely interested in what I had to say about school and life in general, making me laugh and making the mistake of calling Lucy my mum more than once even though I corrected her and explained my situation. She seemed genuinely shocked and concerned that my parents had thrown me out but happy that I had found a place I could stay.

In some ways it seemed like the adjustments and trying things on took ages, in another it seemed to take no time at all. By the time I got back to Lucy in the waiting room though, she told me it had been quicker than she expected with it only taking an hour. If Lucy hadn’t insisted that I get something there, I don’t think I would have chosen anything from that shop, none of them were what I was thinking of as every day wear but partly because she insisted and partly because I knew that Mummy would have freaked out and that felt deliciously naughty, I chose a bra that had flowers printed on the bottom half and the top half was lace. It looked pretty and seemed a good compromise between the lace ones that would have scandalised Mummy because they didn’t seem to actually cover much, and the ones I’d normally have worn. I liked the pale blue colour of it too, Mummy had only ever bought them in black or white so I was happy to get something a little different.

“Nice choice” Lucy praised me “You know it comes in a set right? Would you rather have the briefs or the shorts with it?” I didn’t really know there was a choice or what the difference was so I just picked one, opting for the shorts, wondering what they would be like to wear. Lucy chose a few things for herself and paid before she text Jenny to find out where she was.

We met Jenny and Jason in the food court where they had obviously been waiting for some time by the look of the debris piled up on the table. Jenny showed her mum the things she had bought while Jason sat back and did something on his phone while keeping one arm behind Jenny. I could tell that Lucy thought it was cute how they acted together but I was jealous and felt awkwardly spare, I know that neither of them intended to make me feel like that and they tried not to but somehow it always happened. I was trying to be insignificant and out of their way as Lucy and Jenny chattered between eating. Bekky text me to ask how it was going and what I was going to do after I’d finished. She commiserated with me about Jenny and Jason, agreeing that they were too caught up in eachother. She eventually mentioned that she was going to come to the shopping centre after lunch and asked if I wanted to stay and meet her, I had nothing better to do at home and had been thinking of just holing up in my room watching something on the laptop that Jenny’s dad had given me for Christmas, I’d recently discovered that Youtube had all kinds of things on there that I hadn’t even known about before so I was avidly watching them, especially the cute animal ones.

While I was waiting for Bekky, Lucy tried to get me involved in the conversation, mentioning that she’d put some money in my bank for me if I wanted anything while I was there.

“Oh yea, I told Henry you needed new clothes so he said he’d transfer some money for you. I forgot to tell you.” Jenny added.

“Oh god, is there anyone left in the world that doesn’t know I need to buy new underwear?” I wailed, a little louder than I intended, a couple of people at nearby tables turned round to see what I was shouting about, I hid my face in my hands and slid low in my seat, feeling like I would die of embarrassment as I heard them chuckling amongst themselves

“I didn’t tell him what you needed to get, just that you needed new clothes.” Jenny laughed and I could see Jason trying not to laugh at me.

“You didn’t tell me that you were telling Henry.” Lucy grumbled. “You better check what he sent.” I looked up the bank app on my phone. I was careful with my money anyway but the amount it said was in my bank seemed stupidly high.

“He put too much in, I’ll have to send some back.” I complained.

“Why how much did he send you?” Jenny asked leaning across the table to look at my phone.

“He sent me three hundred! and you put a hundred in. Should I send it back to you Lucy?” I asked her, concerned that giving me that much money as well as what she’d spent in the lingerie shop would be too much. Lucy just laughed.

“No, spend what you need and keep the rest, but when we next order a pizza I know who can pay.” She joked. “Just get some clothes that you like, we should have gone clothes shopping before but it slipped my mind.”

By the time Bekky arrived Lucy had gone home, taking the shopping with her meaning I couldn’t ask Bekky’s opinion on the one I’d chosen. Jenny was clearly still miffed at having been kicked out of the shop by her mum and suggested that we look at some other shops where we could get some clothes, of course she had to drag Jason along too as she thought that we should have a male opinion on what looked best. Looking at clothes wasn’t as stressful as the fitting had been and we all seemed to be laughing as we talked about things. I think that Jason probably felt a bit left out as he was dragged around clothing shop after clothing shop, but he was his usual self and fooled around like he usually did, making it hard not to laugh at him or resent him being there. I’ve never been sure if Jenny might have been deliberately trying to embarrass him when she marched into the underwear section of the clothes store we were in, looking at all the skimpiest offerings in the brightest colours, asking his opinions and cheekily holding them against herself as though she were modelling them. He didn’t seem as flustered as she would have liked him to be about it though he was clearly amused, turning the tables on her by regularly telling her that he would be happiest if she was wearing whatever made her comfortable. I was more embarrassed than he was because I didn’t think it was the kind of thing that you should joke about in public even though I also found the look of disappointment on her face funny when he didn’t get flustered. Jenny also tried to encourage me to get some of the skimpy choices that she picked out, though I knew I’d just die of embarrassment wearing them though there would be no way anyone else would be able to see them.

I was a little unsettled when Jason compared Jenny and Bekky’s busts, I felt it was something he shouldn’t talk about, especially when he made a joke about how Bekky’s was bigger and would stop her hitting her face on the floor but Jenny’s was perfectly sized. It made me feel inadequate and conscious of how small mine was, leaving me wondering if Sam would have preferred me to have bigger breasts or if he thought mine were just right. Bekky just flipped a finger at him in a gesture that I knew was swearing but didn’t completely understand still.

Bekky suggested more practical options, looking more for things that were cute rather than racy as Jenny seemed to. I tried to remember what the fitting lady had told me about the different bra cup shapes and styles, attempting to think of how she had described each and what effect they would have, even though I was completely baffled and had never thought before about what shape I wanted my breasts to look or anything like that. As far as I was concerned, a bra was supposed to hold them in place and stop them flopping about or making boys stare. Bekky astounded me by telling me that some girls bound them flat, so they looked more like boys and encouraging me to think about how I wanted to be seen, to consider what kind of “look” I wanted.

I’d never considered it before and as we were walking around the shop she was constantly pointing out things that she thought would look good on me or would give me a certain “look”. I’d always thought that a “look” was something that I had on my face and Daddy told me off for when he thought I was being rebellious or stubborn. I had no idea that there was so much to think about when buying clothes, I’d always just worn what I was told to or what I had that was comfortable.

“You should at least know what makes you feel good.” Bekky said for about the thirtieth time.

“Well feel good in terms of comfortable? Yea course I do.”

“No, what makes you look at yourself in the mirror and think that you look good? What makes you feel good about yourself?”

“Does that matter if its smart? Mummy always said that I had to dress up smart like I’m going to church to look good and that it would make me feel good because I’d know I was doing what God wanted, and there’s a scripture about not plaiting your hair and wearing gold to make you look beautiful which means that its not about what you wear or what can be seen that means you are good or not.”

“Not what I’m talking about. What makes you feel happy about you? What makes you feel like you look good, what makes you feel confident? Happy? What makes you feel like you look good?” Bekky asked. I had to think about it, it had never occurred to me before.

“I don’t know, I just want clothes to be comfortable.” I complained again.

“Ok, try this, think of photos you’ve seen of yourself, are there any that give you happy memories and you think you look good in rather than cringe at?” Bekky tried again.

“That picture that you took of all three of us at the new years party, I like that one.”

“That’s the feeling you want to use to judge if things are right for you.” She explained. “It’s about being the best version of you that you can be.” I had a lot to think about and it was getting hard to remember it all.

“In terms of bras though I was wearing that black one then, it was still comfortable.” I knew I was whining but it had been a long day already.

“Then try getting some like that in your size, or tshirt bras, they are comfy and don’t have wires, not like you need them for yours anyway.”

“I know they are small, do you think that guys really like bigger ones better?” I asked as I defensively tried to cover them up with my arms so people wouldn’t notice how small they were.

“I think they are just right for you. For your build and size, they are perfect, anyone who says otherwise is a fucking idiot. Trust me, big ones are a curse anyway. This one’s nice.” She picked up a pretty tshirt bra in my size to show me, she’d chosen a black one with bright pink stars in a random pattern all over it, beside it was a similar one in white with blue stars. Knowing I needed more than one so I didn’t have to keep washing it I chose one of each and a couple of plain ones that would be less obvious for school though Bekky insisted I should have chosen ones that were more fun.

I thought that paying would be an exercise in embarrassment, I was sure that the cashier was going to make a weird comment about each of the choices I’d made and be disapproving of the more patterned ones like I was sure that Mummy would have been. I tried to steel myself for it, preparing to defend my choices. It was almost a let down when they didn’t make any kind of comment, they didn’t even seem to make a judgement of my choices, just scanning the barcode and putting them in a bag for me as though it were the most normal thing in the world. I realized then that to them, it probably was the most normal thing, because people would be buying things like that every day and it wasn’t as though it was the only clothes I’d bought.

Bekky and I were talking on the bus on the way home while Jenny and Jason sat behind us, occasionally adding to the conversation but more often whispering to each other and kissing. I wasn’t really paying much attention to what was outside though I did notice as the bus turned along the road I used to live on. I had a sudden shock as we passed my old house, it was clearly empty and had a big for sale sign outside. I had to look twice to be sure it was definitely my old house.