Once we get home, and I’ve put all of my new clothes away, I run a tub and soak for a long time in the bubble bath. Then I relax in front of the TV, watching some videos on one of my favorite UTube channels before going to bed.

The next day, Megan and Aunt Scarlett spend the morning teaching me all kinds of things about being a girl.

Regardless of anything I think I know, Megan and Aunt Scarlett begin from the idea that I know nothing about being a girl. So, we began anew with mannerisms, posture, walking, talking, gestures, and modesty. Some of it I knew, some I didn’t, and some I half knew. Like the proper way to cross your legs when you are wearing a skirt so that you don’t show anyone, anything you don’t want them to see.

Walking, I knew, and even Megan and Aunt Scarlett said that I walk like a girl, but they also showed me some more tricks about how to pull off a more feminine walk. Such as walking with one foot in front of the other, which has the benefit of emphasizing the sway of your hips. Lessons in walking in ever-higher heels, stepping properly when you are wearing different kinds of heels. Stiletto heels require effort at first to walk in until it becomes second nature; otherwise, there’s a good chance of spraining or even breaking your ankle. Not something I want to do.

Lessons on skincare. More in-depth makeup lessons. The difference between day and evening makeup. How to apply each properly to accentuate my beauty without seeming to be unnatural. As Aunt Scarlett said, “You don’t want to look like Tammy Faye Baker.” I had to look up who that was, and I agree, I don’t want to look like her. Just looking at her made me shiver exaggeratedly. Ugh… Gross…

All this stuff is going to take some serious getting used to, but I have all summer ahead of me to perfect it.

Then, there are yoga classes. Something I find that I enjoy doing. The gym is going to take some time to get used to. I’ve led a fairly sedentary life since my accident, so I need to tone up all of my muscles without bulking up.

Ballet classes, I find I enjoy as well, even if I am playing catch up to girls who are even younger than me. Although, the instructor says that I catch on quickly to everything. Another plus is that I’m fairly limber already, and the yoga and ballet classes will only further enhance that.

As you can see, my days are pretty full, but Megan and I still have plenty of time for other things, which I will talk about soon enough. Two weeks have quickly flown by, and while I’ve been extremely busy, I have to admit it’s been a lot of fun and interesting to boot. Who would have thought that living with two girls as a girl would be so much fun for me?

One afternoon, after Megan and I get back from ballet class, Aunt Scarlett tells us to clean up and get changed because she made an appointment for all of us to go to a spa in the next town. We had facials, body scrubs, aroma oil massages, manicures, pedicures, and they waxed our bodies. By the time they were done with us, I was so relaxed that I felt like a rag doll.

Before bed that night, Aunt Scarlett sat me down and explained how important watching your weight can be for girls. She said while my weight was appropriate for someone my age and height, I should keep an eye on it.

That night, after changing into my nightie, I crawl into bed and lay there thinking about everything. Namely, I’m wondering if this is what I want my life to be. I consider that to be the most important question I have to answer. One I have to have an answer to before the end of the summer. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s bad by any stretch of the imagination because I’ve had a great time here so far.

When not in ballet or yoga, I spend most of my day practicing all the things they’ve taught me so far and more. Like learning all kinds of makeup tips and tricks, different ways to style my hair, all manner of things; stuff girls have to know so that they can be pretty and look nice.

I’ve learned that it’s hard work for girls to keep up with the constantly changing standards of beauty and fashion. Girls are amazing creatures, and I’m determined to be the best girl I can be.

By the end of the third week, I feel fairly comfortable living as a girl. By now, most of what I’ve been taught is becoming second nature to me. I never have to remind myself to sit or stand properly, to smooth my skirt under me before sitting down, or watch my skirt when climbing stairs with people behind me. In fact, all of this is so natural for me that I hardly ever think of myself as ever having been a boy. Of course, any time I undress or have to use the bathroom, I have that tiny little reminder, but that’s okay, for now, at least, and I think I’m much closer to having an answer about who I want to be.

At the end of my first month, Aunt Scarlett is so happy with my progress that she takes us shopping for some little black dresses for a night out on the town. After that, we go get our hair, nails, and makeup done, then head home to change into our LBDs, as she said they are called.

My dress is a halter type, v-neck skater dress with the skirt barely reaching a third of the way down my thighs. I add my sheer black stockings with a tiger stripe pattern along with some 5” Fuschia ankle-strap stiletto heels.

Both my aunt and my cousin wolf whistle when they see me enter the living room. In response, I smile and curtsy. Aunt Scarlett made reservations at a rather expensive supper club on the lake that also has dancing.

After we eat, we meander over to the dance club section where Aunt Scarlett buys all of us a glass of wine. She says it’s a special occasion, so we’re allowed a glass or two. Believe me when I tell you that it doesn’t take long after we sit down before guys come over to ask us to dance.

There is one guy that repeatedly asks me to dance, who I come to find out is named Ben. He’s quite a bit taller than me with short blonde hair and blue eyes. I assume he’s about 15 or 16 years old, but he doesn’t look or seem to be any older than that. Regardless, he’s a rather good-looking boy, whose smile gives me butterflies. You bet I smiled right back at him, too.

At one point in the evening, Ben, and his friend, Cary, asked my aunt if they could take Megan and me to get ice cream and go for a walk out by the lake. She agrees since she’s busy socializing with a guy she knows as well.

Ben offers me his elbow, which I take after picking up my clutch, and Cary does the same with Megan. They lead us out of the club down the pathway along the lake with little vendors spotted here and there. A short walk down the path is a Gelato vendor where we stop.

Once we all have our orders, we continue down the moonlit path as we talk about this or that. Now, 5” stiletto heels do wonders for your legs, but they aren’t the most ideal thing for taking a stroll, so when we reach several benches a bit further down the path, we sit down, relax, and continue our conversation as we eat our Gelato.

During a lull in the conversation, I’m looking at the moon reflected on the lake, a sight which I find to be quite lovely, when he slips his arm around my shoulders and pulls me a little closer to him. It surprises me and leaves me unable to say anything.

Turning to look at him, I see the moonlight is making his lustrous blue eyes shine, and as he returns my look, the butterflies return in force. Half afraid of what might happen next, I look up at the sky and ask, “Hey, is that the big dipper over there?”

Astronomy isn’t my thing, so I can’t tell you whether it’s the big dipper or not, nor do I really care. I simply want to break the silence.

He doesn’t even look as he murmurs, “No, that’s the wrong part of the sky for the big dipper.”

Then he lowers the arm that’s around my shoulders down to my waist as he moves a little closer. A shiver runs down my spine as he slowly and gently caresses my back, and I look back up at him and smile shyly. Slowly, but inexorably, he leans in, and my eyes involuntarily close in anticipation, until finally, his soft, warm lips connect with mine, and he pulls me even closer to him. My arms seem to have a mind of their own and slip themselves around his neck as his lips stay on mine for what seems to me to be forever, although I’m sure it’s hardly more than a minute. It’s heartbreakingly tender, undemanding, and ever so gentle. Exactly what I always hoped my first kiss would be like.

Afterward, I lay my head against his shoulder and smile as I murmur, “That was nice.”

He quietly replies, “Mhmm,” as he hugs me with the arm around my waist, and with his other arm, he takes my chin, lifts my head, and then kisses my forehead. He looks into my eyes again for a few moments, then leans back in and takes my lips again. This time, his tongue seeks entrance, and I gladly part my lips as our kiss deepens, and he pulls me even tighter against him.

I have no real idea how long our second kiss lasts, but finally, it ends, and he smiles at me as I smile shyly, yet happily, back.

A moment later, he asks, “Where do you live?”

“Over in Belle Glade. You?”

“Here, in Pahokee. So, we don’t live too far apart.”

“Mhmm. Not too far at all.”

“I’d like to see you again, if that’s alright.”

“I think I’d like that, too.”

“Do you think your aunt would mind? I know you’re younger than me.”

“Not by much, I assume. I’m 14, but no, I don’t think she’d mind at all. How about you? I mean, how old are you?”

“16. Is that a problem?”

“Nuh-uh. Not for me.”

“Good. Can I kiss you again?”

Rather than answer him with words, I merely lift my head a little to offer my lips to him. If tonight has told me nothing else, I at least know which way I’m leaning towards when it concerns my future.

It’s about a half-hour later when a text notification chimes on my phone. Removing it from my clutch, I see it’s from my aunt saying that it’s time to come back. I show it to Ben, who stands up and offers his hand to help me up. Once I am, I intertwine our fingers together, and we slowly stroll back to the club hand in hand.

When we make it back to the table, my aunt asks, “Did you have fun?”

I smile as I nod enthusiastically and reply, “I did.” Megan tells her basically the same thing.

Ben clears his throat and begins, “Umm, Mrs. Ward, would you mind if I take Jackie out sometime?”

“It’s Miss, not Missus, but no, not at all. If Jackie would like to go out with you, then she can.”

“Great.” He looks at me, and asks, “Can I have your number? I’ll give you mine as well.”

I remove my phone again, and we exchange numbers, then he asks me to dance again. I look at Aunt Scarlett, who nods.

Just so you know, Ben and I spend the remainder of the evening with each other, either talking or dancing. Unfortunately, all good things must end, and it’s finally time for us to head for home. Ben and Cary escort us out to our car, and there, I get a good night kiss before I get into the car grinning like an idiot.

Nothing is said until we get on the highway, then Aunt Scarlett says, “I gather that you two enjoyed your evening?”

“Definitely,” I chirp from the back seat, which makes my aunt smile as she glances at me in the rearview mirror.

“Sooo, Jackie, I take it that you like that boy?”

I giggle. “Isn’t that obvious? You don’t think I would let a boy I don’t like kiss me, do you? I don’t seem like that kind of girl, do I?”

“No, Sweetie, you don’t.”

“Good, because I’m not.”

It takes me a few moments to realize it, but I do think of myself as a girl. I mean, when I look at myself, all I can see myself as or think of myself is as a pretty girl. I settle back in the seat and think about it, but I’m about 80% sure about which way I want to lead my life.

Look, regardless of anything else, if I try to live as a man, I’ll likely be alone for the rest of my life. I mean, seriously, what woman would want to marry half a man? Even I know that sex isn’t everything, but it is an important part of a solid, stable relationship. There’s no getting around that.

However, if I choose to be and live as a girl, then I’ll be able to have sex and satisfy my husband, even if I’ll never be able to give him children. And yes, I have to admit, I’m attracted to men. I can look at Megan, Kelly Ann, or any other girl and admire their beauty, but there’s no attraction there. Ben, well, he made me have butterflies and made my heart flutter. I could definitely get lost in those gorgeous blue eyes of his.

Unexpectedly, Megan turns around and asks, “Jackie, are you okay? You’re awfully quiet.”

I answer, “I’m fine. Just thinking about things. Nothing major.”

“If it’s nothing ‘major,’ you can tell us.”

“I…” I sigh. “Well, I was just thinking about tonight. Ben, me, and what I want in general.”

“Uh-huh, and?”

I look out the window as I reply, “I’m attracted to men. I think I always have been.” I pause, and she merely looks at me, waiting for me to continue. “I also think I’ve always been a girl. I look at myself, and all I can see is a pretty girl. I think of myself as a girl too. The only thing that ever reminds me that I’m not,” I gesture at my crotch, “is this worthless thing.”

Aunt Scarlett looks at me in the mirror again. “So, you’ve made your decision?”

I pause to consider it again. Then nod firmly. “I realize it’s only been a month since I’ve been living full-time as a girl, but I believe this,” I gesture at myself, “is the me that I should have always been. Honestly, I have no desire to go back to being a boy.”

My aunt asks, “Are you sure about that? This is a huge decision for you. One you’ll have trouble walking away from.”

I look into her eyes in the mirror and adamantly state, “God, yes. I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. It’s for the best, as well.”

She asks, “How so?”

“Well… Let’s assume for a moment that I tried to live my life as a man. Okay, fine, great, I’d be half a man. One who would be alone for the rest of his life. No woman would want to marry someone like that. One that could never have sex with her or give her children. Sex might not define a relationship, nor should it, but it’s an important part of a stable relationship.

“On the other hand, if I choose to be and live as a girl, then I’ll be able to have sex with my husband, even if I’ll never be able to give him children. Lots of couples can’t do that, but they remain together. They simply adopt children.

“I don’t want to spend my life alone. What kind of life would that be? None that I can think of. It’s miserable being alone, existing as an outcast while barely living on the edge of society. That’s what I would be. A freak. I don’t want that any more than you, Megan, Mom, or Dad do.”

“It sounds to me as if you’ve put a lot of thought into this.”

I bark out a short, harsh laugh. “Of course. My life for the last seven months has revolved around the central point of who I am, and who I’m going to be. It’s not something I could very well have ignored, now is it?” I shake my head answering my own question. “The only person I can see being unhappy about me deciding to live as a girl is my dad. I’ve seen his looks when I’m dressed as a girl. He hides them quickly, but I’ve seen them. He wants a son, his son, and no matter what, I’m not, nor can I ever be that for him.”

“Jackie, your father loves you.”

“No, Aunt Scarlett, he loves his son. I’m not dumb. He tolerates his daughter because Mom makes him. Look, I understand why he feels that way. He had a son, but now, he has a freak. Although, I have hopes that he can get past that and love me for who I am, but…” I trail off and shrug.

“Sweetie, you aren’t a freak. You are simply someone who went through something horrific, and I think you’re doing a wonderful job playing the hand you’ve been dealt.” She pulls over onto the shoulder, puts the car in park, and turns around to look at me. “Jacqueline Annette Stetson, you listen to me. Megan and I love you very, very much. I think you know that.”

I nod. “Yes, I know it. I love you two as well.”

“The point being that if worse comes to worst, you are more than welcome to live with us.”

I look from her to Megan and back again. “Are you sure?”

Megan jumps in and says, “100 billion percent sure.”

Wide-eyed at her vehemence, I ask, “But, wouldn’t it be a burden taking me in?”

Aunt Scarlett smiles and shakes her head as she replies, “You are not and never will be a burden to me or Megan.”

“Mom’s right. You’re my sister.”

Tears begin dribbling down my cheeks. “Thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Now, what do you say we go home, get into our jammies, watch some movies, and binge on ice cream until we pass out?”

Even as I continue to cry, I smile and say, “Sounds perfect.”