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Chapter 27– Confused Feelings.

 

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Sitting in the Daily Grind, looking out of the window at the outside world, I try to clear my head and sort out all the crap that is wafting around in there. But, of course, what with my superior biology and physique, the drugs and other stuff we had last night are not affecting me at all. My body has already expunged the toxins, but that is not the shit that is clouding my mind. Because it seems that my enhanced biology also allowed me to have great recollection even when under the influence, and I remember pretty clearly what went on yesterday.

 

I remember all the stuff about Fisk and Felecia's final mission, and I am just fine with all of that, but it is the more personal stuff that has me in a kerfuffle. Like the fact, she tried to kiss me, and for some stupid fucking reason, I stopped her and told her I didn't want to do anything with her while we were high. Meaning that I wanted to do things properly with her in my usual state of mind. I was very high. Why the hell did I say that?

 

And then what the hell was she on about? She would finish up and then leave with me? Make a new identity and start a new life somewhere together? Away from all of this, just a simple ordinary life without all this crazy New York shit. It doesn't make sense. This doesn't seem like something the Felecia from the comics would ever do. She was Black Cat first and Felecia Hardy second, so why would she say that? Did she actually mean it?

 

And then what about me? I know I said I would stop being so afraid and start living my life before one of the random all-powerful beings decides to go heavy on Earth, and I die in the crossfire, but there is a difference between fear and good sense. I want to live my life doing what I want and having a good life, and hanging around Felecia, who is a magnet for trouble that is depicted to look out for herself first and foremost, seems to go against that. So then, are my desires at odds? I want a good life, but Felecia might upset that? So the question is, do I also want Felecia..? I wish I never did that weed.

 

"...Fuck my life." My head flops and bangs against the table, not upsetting my cup of coffee except for it moving slightly since I had already drank most of it. All of this is just too much for my head. Everything since I climbed my way up out of that smokestack, has just been messed up, and I have just been rolling with the punches. All I originally wanted to do was get out of here, that was my goal, and then I met Felecia, and I got dragged into the web of insanity that is New York. But I have a way out now.

 

"Man, what's so bad about your life that it needs to be fucked?" I hear beside me and look up to see Jessica Carradine, my coffee buddy looking down at me with a smile on her face. Cleary, even though she doesn't know what is wrong, she is finding humour in my misery. She looks over at my empty cup of coffee next.

 

"Must be because you ran out of the good stuff. Hey, Ben needs a refill over here. And a cup of joe for me as well." Jessica calls to Sherry, the woman who runs the place that has been serving us both for so long that she knows our exact preferences, and so she yells back a quick affirmation. Jessica casually takes the seat opposite of me and looks down at me with a smirk, my head still low, my cheek now pressing against the wood as I stare back at her.

 

"I don't need coffee... I don't know what I need." I mumble out at her before lifting my head just to turn it in the other direction and get my forearm on the table to put my head back down against it and stare out the window. I would rather not look at her face, which I am sure has gotten even more jovial seeing my despairing state, the cow.

 

"Wow, something really has you messed up. Well?" She says as I hear steps approaching our table and then the sound of a cup being placed onto the table as well as the pouring of liquid into a cup before the steps recede. I know what she wants, she wants the juicy gossip, but I don't feel like thinking about it anymore. What is that going to help?

 

"Well, what?" I say, feigning ignorance. Instead, I focus on the back of a woman walking by, her long and blond hair framed neatly by a hairband. She is young and vibrant, chatting with her friends as she walks onward, carrying a bunch of books with her as she goes about her business. She disappears when I hear a sigh, Jessica clearly not liking my response.

 

"Come on, Ben. You know what I meant. Tell me what happened." She says, but I just continue staring out the window at the people passing by. I watch them all go, but I just really want to see if I can see that blonde girl again. I don't know why.

 

"I don't want to talk about it," I say, my eyes still wandering outside, this time landing on a woman walking by surrounded by other girls, her hair a bright firey red. She is hip and popular, the life of the party and with an energy that was so bright she rose the people around her up. Like a black hole, they are all drawn to her, and they are all the better for it.

 

"Ben, I am pretty much your therapist. You come here all the time, and you talk about your problems. Of course, you don't really solve any of them, but it helps." The redhead turns the corner, and with nothing interesting to look at anymore, I go to turn back inside, but the sun suddenly glints off of something and draws my attention. The sun is shining off of the hair of a woman, her hair is grey, but with the sun shining off of it, it looks to be a shining silver. I turn my head and sit back up, grabbing my coffee and gulping it down.

 

"Ah! That's hot!" I say, regretting my impulsive actions when I drank way too much of the hot coffee. I realised that I may have been getting a bit carried away in the past there, and that is not something I want to do. Getting caught up in memories that do not solely belong to me is just asking for trouble, and then my mind starts running away with it. No, forget about them. The past should stay in the past.

 

"Maybe that scalding gave a jolt to your brain, and you can see how dumb you are being. Just talk to me, Ben, like normal. It's your roommate, right?" I sigh at her words, but I can't help but admit that there is some truth to her words. It is true. I had had quite a few times when I was stressing out about Felecia and how I felt about her and all the numerous problems that come with it. And I talked it out with Jessica, and while nothing was ever resolved, talking it out and getting another perspective on the issues helped me to rationalise and relax. I could do with that right now.

 

"Alright, by that sigh, I can tell I've worn you down. Do we seriously have to do this song and dance every time you need a shoulder to cry on? Whatever, I can tell you're a tough nut to crack. So, what's happening with Felecia?" She gets right to it, huh? I guess I don't show up and talk about anything else other than Felecia. As far as Jessica knows, my only problem in life right now is my relationship with Felecia, and to be fair, most of my problems right now involve her.

 

"Yeah. So, you know how I have been feeling about her and how I have been avoiding it and not following through on it?" I say, referencing the previous times that we have talked about Felecia. Honestly, this woman really is like a therapist to me. Not that she has the professional skills and acumen to actually help me, but she is bored enough to listen to my problems without pay and detached enough not to really care bout them either. These conversations are just time fillers for her when she is not out there trying to get pictures of Spider-Man, which she fails miserably at, by the way.

 

"Yeah, and like I tell you every time, go for it. I don't understand what is holding you back. Yeah, she is a bit of a selfish bitch from what you have told me, but you like that. You like her. Man up, stop being such a pussy." After all the talks and explanations, this is what our every conversation has essentially boiled down to. I usually talk about what has happened, what I am confused about and why I don't want to risk it, and she talks through each of my points before telling me to stop being a pussy.

 

"Yeah, well, ideally, I would go ahead with it and say come what may, but there is a reason I haven't. I plan to leave New York soon, and I am only still staying here because there is something I have to take care of. But that will be finished soon enough." So I tell her, which is very much accurate, while not giving the whole truth. I did not mention that the only thing keeping me here is Felecia, and that is only because I am trying to help her get free from Fisk's control which, according to her, is nearly a done deal.

 

"Alright, so that was why you were being a nonstop pussy, I understand. So, what's the problem? You have realised that if you leave then you will not get another chance with her? That it is over?" She says, making assumptions that would typically be the correct thing. Except, I am not normal, Felecia is not normal, and this world is not fucking normal.

 

"God, I wish it was that simple. But, sadly, it is not that, because that, I could deal with it. No, it is something else entirely, the exact opposite, in fact, you could say." I tell her, having second choices about talking this through with her. Throughout all of our conversations, Jessica has invariably chosen one resounding answer. Go for it. She always selects that option, telling me to do it, go for it and stop worrying about stupid things that might not ever happen. She tells me that I am too much in my head and that I should just act before thinking.

 

"Well? Stop keeping me in suspense and tell me? What is it! Has she started a relationship with someone? Is she gay?.. Are you gay?" I stifle the expletives that are about to burst from my mouth at her. Seriously? I have been telling her all about my girl troubles for months, asking for her advice, and she is questioning my sexuality. Why would she think that?.. Is it some sort of energy or vibe I am putting out there. Not that I have anything against gay people, but I don't want to be pulling guys when it is the other gender I am interested in.

 

"Chill out, and stop glaring so hard. I was just messing with you. So, come on, spill it." I thank my good graces that I don't have that to deal with as well since it would be pretty annoying, and I would have to question some things about myself and my fashion and demeanour. Ignoring that for now, I refocus on the subject at hand.

 

"...Okay, she wants to come with me." After trying and coming up with a good way to say it, I eventually blurt that out. Just getting it out there as plainly as possible and trying and get some advice on what to do. Because I am dumbstruck and find the whole thing unfathomable.

 

"...She wants to go with you?" Jessica says, after a moment of digesting what I just said. Clearly just as baffled as I am, and I am glad to see that I am not the only one to find the whole thing confusing.

 

"Yes." I clarify, assuring her that I am not joking. She did, just out of the blue, say she wants to leave everything behind, including her identity, which I am not telling Jessica, and leave with me. But, of course, we are not even in a relationship or anything, so I am plenty confused by this bizarre turn of events.

 

"Leave New York and follow you wherever it is you are going?" She asks again since it really is just out of the blue.

 

"That's right." I nod my head.

 

"Damn, player. You've got game, Ben. Looks like you finally grew some balls. So, when did you seal the deal and start going out with her? Or? Did you only sleep together?" She says, coming to the natural conclusion that we must be in a relationship or at least involved in a more intimate way. It is not believable that she would leave with me without a more profound connection or a deeper relationship.

 

"No," I reply, picking up and taking a sip of the coffee to calm me down and help me relax. It doesn't.

 

"No? To which one?" She asks again. Honestly, she is a very curious woman. She likes to know things and is always asking questions. I don't mind it since it usually helps me out. The more questions she asks to enhance her understanding, the more answers I give that increase my awareness and own understanding of my situation.

 

"To all of them." We have not started dating or anything. We have not had sex or anything much intimate past the kiss she gave me. And she only gave me that, in the beginning, to try and manipulate and make use of me, kissing me while on the run. I think to stimulate and get endorphins running in me, to associate feeling good with her and crime as we kissed, hiding from the police.

 

I immediately dropped her, literally, and that was the last time she ever attempted anything like that. Sure, she still tried to be seductive and enticing for a while, but that stopped when it showed no results. So after that, we were just like two roommates, hanging out and living together. Sure, there were times when I liked the more natural version of her without any ulterior motives, but I was unsure whether she felt the same.

 

"...All of them? Wait, what? So, nothing happened?" I nod my head. "But then why the hell would she want to leave with you? Are you some rich heir or something? Are you seriously loaded? Because if you are, then I'll follow you as well? Do you have a massive hog, and she got a glimpse and became entranced so much that she would follow you anywhere?" Jessica also likes to mess with me and finds enjoyment in my reactions.

 

"Jessica," I say, not paying attention to any of the suggestions she just made, knowing they were made purely in jest. She does this sometimes. When she feels I am getting too down or serious, she will joke and mess around to get me to lighten up. It works as well. For some reason unknown to me, these stupid jokes actually help me out.

 

"Alright, alright. So, Felecia wants to go with you, and you thought your leaving would be the end of it. Does she have family or a job waiting wherever it is you are going and thought it would make financial sense for you two to move together or something?" She then tries to make a connection and sense of what she has been told.

 

Why would she want to go with me when she is not in any kind of relationship with me? The logical conclusion would be that she is not moving to be with me, but for something else where I am going or running from something. I don't think she is running from something since that would only be Fisk, which is soon to be taken care of, and even if she was, she wouldn't have to go with me. And she doesn't even know where I am planning to go, so she has no other reason to go with me. I am confused. Why the hell did I call her kitten?

 

"No, her current situation is a bit strained with her family. So I told her I was going to leave, and then all of a sudden, she said she would go with me. That we could go away and start a whole new life together, away from all of this crazy crap that happens in New York?" I explain more clearly, realising that I have been a bit light on the details while trying to keep my secrets secret. She can't talk with me about it if I keep holding things back, so I let a little more out.

 

"Oh, good for you then. The only thing stopping you was that you would be leaving, but if Felecia leaves with you, then you can try and go for it." Jessica says, coming to one conclusion and thinking that was the end of it. And she is right. I no longer have that excuse to not go for it, but more importantly, I need to know why she wants to come with me.

 

"It is not good. In fact, it makes no sense. Why would Felecia want to leave with me." I tell her as much, even though she doesn't seem to think anything is wrong. Even after I have said that, she looks at me like I am stupid. Like there is some apparent reason that she is coming, or as if the reason doesn't even matter, which it most definitely does. As much as I like Felecia, she is a dangerous woman, and to go anywhere with her when unaware of her motivations and desires.

 

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you are a nice, good-looking, funny guy, and she likes you?" Jessica says, taking me by surprise. It is now my turn to look at her like she is an idiot, which doesn't work half as well as when she did it to me. It just makes her look at me like I am even more of an idiot, so I am clearly missing something.

 

"...She likes me?" I voice, trying to understand why she would think that.

 

"I know, shocker. I mean, you are you." Instead of being helpful, Jessica just sarcastically starts mocking me. She really does get on my nerves sometimes, especially when I actually need some help here.

 

"But, we aren't even in a relationship. We haven't even gotten intimate with each other, like, at all. The most we have ever done was just a single kiss, and even that was because Felecia was trying to get something off of me. Why? Why would she like me enough to want to leave New York with me? That is what I don't get." I say, trying to understand her reasoning. I lay out my thoughts so that she can tackle them one by one and make me understand her logic.

 

"Ben, I think there is something that you need to understand about women. Something fundamental that will really help you out here." Jessica sighs and then tells me that. As if she has a secret that will really help me out but is reluctant to say to me, but it is the only thing that could possibly assist me here.

 

"What is it?" I ask, out of options and dearly wanting to know this mystery secret that will help me solve this problem. Of course, I am not betting on this actually solving my problems, but hey, maybe something she gives me will at least help me out a little. She is a woman, and I do want some help with a woman problem, so what is the harm.

 

"Women are emotional beings, Ben. Our feelings and thoughts are complex and deep, and we feel way more than guys do." She tells me, leaning forward and putting her hand to her mouth as if she was telling me something super secret. Of course, what she told me was not super secret. This was not news to me since I know hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and there is no way in the seven hells that I would ever be able to understand one.

 

"Yes, I am aware of that. If you were not already aware, this is the reason for my ongoing turmoil and unending confusion. You are not telling me anything that I do not already know." So I say, once more, downing even more of my coffee now that it isn't so hot anymore. I really had my hopes up there, thinking she was about to tell me something very much useful, but all she did was tell me that women are confusing. I know this. I am dealing with a woman, and I am confused.

 

"No, you idiot! What I am saying is that women, in general, are a lot more in tune with their feelings and desires and feel way more than a man might. We don't need skinship and sex to feel close to someone or even love them, though it does help." She says, forgoing her joking attitude and telling me head-on. It takes me some time to download the information she has provided, but it is only when she raises her eyebrows and then points at me that I click on to what she is saying.

 

"WH-What! You mean that she... that she loves me?" I speak the words aloud, finding it hard to believe. I shake my head before the notion digs into my mind any deeper, denying that possibility. "Fuck off! There is absolutely no way! You must be very fuckin high! So you're saying that she is coming with me because she loves me?" This woman is a loony if she thinks that is what is happening. Because that couldn't possibly be the truth... could it?

 

"I am not saying that she loves, but that, at the very least, she has feeling for you. I mean, why else would she leave her whole life behind to follow you. She definitely feels something for you, I guarantee it, especially after all the things you have told me about your relationship with her." Jessica clarifies, but even this fails to make me believe it. I mean, if it was anyone else, then maybe I could believe it. Well, not anyone else, but definitely not some super criminal or something because that just adds another level that I can't fully comprehend.

 

"And you can guarantee that? You are one hundred percent sure that that is what it is?" I question her, failing to see how she has come to that conclusion. "Jessica! Be serious-" Before I can say anything more, Jessica interrupts me by sitting up a little and then leaning forward and putting her hand out behind her. I can already tell what is about to happen, even if I don't know why, so I am already moving.

 

*Slap*

 

I allow her hand to touch my face in a way that lets the slapping sound echo out, but I also turn and move my head enough so that she doesn't doesn't break any of her fingers or palm on my jaw. I don't know why she suddenly slapped me, but I can ask that later as right now I am waving to Sherry, who looks concerned, and with a nod of my head, she leaves us alone and gets the others in the shop to go back to what they were doing.

 

"Jessica, do you mind telling me what that was for?" I ask, now with everyone else minding their own business. Jessica is rubbing the hand with which she slapped me, which is bet is hurting a lot right now. I expect her to sit back down, but instead, she starts getting up, picking her satchel from the ground she placed it on.

 

"Why? Because somebody needed to give you a fucking slap upside the head! Do you know how fucking lucky you are!?" I am stunned into silence, shocked by her words. I have been living this new life for a while, at not once had I thought that I was lucky. So why does she think I am lucky?

 

"I have no one, Ben. I don't have any family or friends. Hell, you are the closest thing I have to a friend. My mom is dead, and my dad? My dad was murdered and blamed for a crime that he did not commit, and I spend every day trying to prove his innocence. So when I hear you whining and bitching, too afraid to go after someone that wants to be with you, it pisses me off." Again, I find myself struggling to do or say anything. I want to say something, to say sorry, or to say ill stop being a pussy... but nothing comes out.

 

"Listen, Ben. The next time we meet, you better be pounding that girl's pussy six ways to Sunday, or I will be seriously pissed off... It is okay to be afraid and scared, but you shouldn't let that stop you. She might hurt you, she might break you, but that's fine. Your human. You'll get back up and move on... See you later, Ben. Sorry for the slap." With that, she leaves, walking out of the store, and I am left there with a lot to think about.

 

After a while, I go to take another sip of coffee and realise it is finished. So I put it down, leave some money for both mine and Jessica's coffees, and I head out the door, waving goodbye to Sherry.

 

I'm heading home, and for some reason, there is a smile on my face.

 

Jessica was right. I am lucky.

 

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