Risa’s fleeting alliance with the elven woman ended as soon as she left the room. She accompanied Ofris on his way towards the counters, to then try to woo him once again. Yet again she feigned being an innocent little girl, as if it was Sahria alone that had pushed me this far, but Ofris knew better. He sighed and played along, trying to get it over with as soon as possible.
Once she had made sure Ofris wasn’t angry Risa pulled forth a book from under her counter, one too large for it to be held with a single hand alone. It had many hundreds of pages, if not thousands, and each of them was twice the size of any textbook I had stumbled upon in school.
I stared at the book, trying to find out what it was for, but the runes carved into its red leather cover didn’t give me a single glue. It was the first time I saw them and the first time I realized their writing system couldn’t even be compared to what I was used to.
“Thank god they can at least understand me...”
「No need to thank me~」The goddess’ playful voice answered. 「You are my daughter, after all!」
“Nobody would thank you!”
「But Rika~」
She didn’t get a chance to harass me further. Before she had even uttered a single more word, Risa had pulled forth a round, black disc of stone that had silver runes carved all over its surface. It was about the size of both of my hands combined and gave off a threatening aura, one I could neither see, feel or smell. Still, it made me feel anxious, enough for me to tense up.
“I can’t allow them to use that on me! It will turn me into a slave for sure! It will do something to me!”
Risa finished her preparations with an ink feather and a few sheets of paper, enough for her to write down half a novel’s worth of the cruel future she had in the works for me. She didn’t smile, but I knew she was looking forward to getting rid of me.
“Why is she such a bitch to me?! She can have him! I don’t care! She can have any man she wants!”
Sadly, Risa had decided on this one. “Please put your hand on this plate.”
“N- no! I don’t want to!”
“Don’t worry,” Ofris' voice reached me from above. “I will make sure you are treated better this time.”
“I’m not a slave!”
“It would be for the best if it isn't true,” he answered with a sigh before, with Risa’s eager help, forcing my hand onto the plate. “You wouldn’t want them to think of you as a spy instead.”
“What would they do?”
There was no answer. Ofris stared at me for a moment, trying to come up with an excuse or some soothing words, but after failing to do so he simply moved his attention onto Risa who was already closing her eyes just like the elf had done before. This alone was answer enough. They would simply get rid of me upon deciding I was a spy.
“What are you planning to do to me?!”
“She will check your attributes and level for now,” Ofris explained. “That way she will know what to search for.”
“My attributes? Just ask then! I will tell you! There is no need for that... thing!”
“It is a formality.”
“Do you think I would lie?!”
“When was the last time you got examined? After all that trouble your strength and endurance surely have increased quite a bit.”
“They have!” I immediately confirmed.
Ofris went silent for a second, before answering a single word. “... probably.”
“...”
It didn’t take Risa more than twenty, maybe thirty seconds to activate the strange device. It slowly changed its color from black to a dark gray, then suddenly turned pale blue, all of this with the silver runes giving off a faint mist of the same blue color.
“She is using magic?” I couldn’t help asking.
“She doesn’t know how to use magic,” Ofris answered my question. “Sahria is the only magician working here.”
“But the stone changed its color...”
“She is just inserting her mana into it.”
“So everyone has mana?”
“Yes,” he answered with a smile, “even you.”
“Does that mean I can learn magic, too?!”
“I am sure you will when you work really, really hard.”
Even though Ofris tried to sound honest, both his voice and the expression found in his face gave off the obvious lie. He had saved me from those bastards, dragged me through that hellhole of a forest only to then lie straight into my face again and yet again. All of this because he pitied me and was worried about my future.
“He treated me like a dog before! Why does he try to protect me now!?”「He seems to be a good guy.」
“He really is ...”
「What are you waiting for, then?」
“...”
A movement attracted my attention, forcing it away from the far too annoying voice in my head. Risa’s hand was reaching for the ink feather. Without opening her eyes, she felt for the paper and began writing down the results of the examination. The smiling expression she had on her face before slowly changed. It revealed shock at first, then even pity.
“Even she pities me?! She is a bitch!”
Risa’s hand finally came to a rest after about half a minute of them turning black ink into tiny runes and unrecognizable letters. She placed down the feather and opened her eyes before her sobered voice began reading out loud:
“She is around level fifteen, with an estimated strength of ten, dexterity of fifteen, vitality ranking between twenty-five and thirty, a spirit level of about thirty-five and an intelligence level of... thirty.”
“She is so weak ...” Ofris’ voice resounded in my ears. “How can she be so weak?”
“I am not weak!”
“That cat we tested back then had around thirty-two intelligence ...” Risa added emotionlessly.
“What?!” I couldn’t help but exclaim. “I’m more stupid than a cat!? This can’t be true! This must be wrong! I can do math, you know!?”
“Oh, what a biiig surprise!” A laughing voice came from behind the counter. “The dog is worth nothing. Who would have thought?”
“THAT ELF? IS IT THAT ELF AGAIN!?”
It really was. A little more than a second after I had heard her annoying voice, Sahria was already standing at the counter, next to Risa who was too startled to fight back when the elf stole the test results right out of her hands.
“Level Fifteen!” The elf began reading with joy and glee glowing in her eyes. “Her strength is ten?! She is like a child! No! She is even weaker than a child!” Sahria’s eyes grew even bigger than her smile. “Her intelligence level is thirty?!” She burst into full-blown laughter, not caring about all the confused and judging stares coming in from all those strangers surrounding us.
“Sahria! Please!” Risa tried to calm her down again. “They are watching!”
“She is weaker than an insect!”
“Stop making fun of me!” I protested, my voice far too weak and shaky.
“You better start learning how to pleasure a man, little bitch. Maybe you will find somebody willing to keep you as their pet when you are fun enough to play with!”
“Stop-”
My voice suddenly broke away. Even though I tried my utmost holding back the bitter tears were already welling up in my eyes, there was nothing I could do. My composure was chipped away with each of their laughs and words, which each stare coming from the two girls or any of the strangers standing nearby.
Before long, all of them became blurry, including Ofris who still tried his best to soothe me somehow. The first of many tears rolled down my skin. And not even a minute later, I was already crying like a small child, like the kid I was according to my test results.
It had been too much for me, all of this. Being separated from Mira, all my friends and my family only to be transported into a world that held nothing prepared for me but death, rape, insults and slavery. All of this while a self-declared goddess was trying her best driving me insane.
Not even a week ago I had been the happiest I ever been and now? My life was as good as over. It was all gone. I was nothing more than an animal in their eyes, a slave you could treat however you wanted.
“I can’t do this- I can’t handle this any longer! I want to go back! I just want to go back! Please! Please ...”
「...」
“That was totally unnecessary!” Ofris angry voice pierced my ears. “What is wrong with you!?”
He did not wait for their answer. Instead, he carried me away, away from the counter, away from their eyes and all the insults they might come up with.
Ofris said nothing to me as I hid my face and the endless streams of tears behind both of my hands. Maybe he was looking at me with his pitiful gaze again, maybe there was anger or hate to be found in his expressions, I would never find out.
We had barely left the town hall when all the hardships I had endured today came hunting me down, gradually stealing away my remaining strength. Without that nasty potion to keep me going, it was only a matter of time before my consciousness faded away. I fell asleep before I could even think about fleeing his arms.
⊱————- ❈ ————-⊰
A bright beam of light hit my face, blinding my eyes and urging me to seek cover under the thin blankets that protected my sapped body. I still felt sleepy, enough for me to forget about the day and everything that would come with it, but soon enough a threatening sound reached my ears.
Somebody was sleeping close by, his or her light snores echoing in the room. It was a good bad, almost enough to forget that it wasn’t mine, but neither was this my room nor was it my world.
I immediately forced open my eyes only to be greeted by the sun casting its light directly onto me. That and a green screens displaying a single line of white text, not runes but the kind I had grown up learning.
『Title Gained: Loved Child』
“... ‘Inspect’”
『Loved Child
Type: Title
Class: Permanent; Passive
Effect: Increases Intelligence by 15
Description: I’m sorry.』
“This fox ...”
I examined the screen, making sure to check it for possible traps, but there simply weren’t any hints of ambiguity hidden within the little text it had. Instead, it looked as if the goddess felt... sorry?
After looking at it a few more times, I hesitatingly closed the screen, only to be greeted by the picture of a sleeping Ofris. His well-built body was leaning against the wall next to the bed, his head resting on his chest which was slowly rising and falling under each of his calm breaths. With his armor reflecting the dancing sun rays that had found their way through the small windows above the bed, he looked like a hero painted in oil, resting against a tree after defeating his mortal enemy, not like a guy who had put a girl on a leash like a dog.
“He didn’t even grab a blanket for himself ...”
I am kinda afraid of those chapters, to be honest. Lots of people do not like weak MCs or MCs in weak situations. But I want to try to write the story the way it is supposed to be. Just be sure that it goes upwards from here, starting with tomorrows chapters.
Truth be told, I am rushing through my written chapters right now just to get to a state that leaves people happier than this.
I love your story
I hate stories like this where the main character is overpowered. If the character survives everything, it gets boring very quickly.
Rather start extremely weak with the desire to get stronger and then slowly and NATURALLY build up the character
MCs being weak can be fine. I think the issue arises when the MC is in a situation that they see as bad and don't even appear to make an attempt at finding a solution. It doesn't even have to be a solution that works or even was a good idea, just that they attempted something. Because even weak willed people will attempt solutions when their situation gets bad enough. I think the MCs "attempts" to correct things with words didn't feel like actual attempts to remedy the situation because they were purely reactionary to the MCs current stimuli. Also, in this particular case, the MC sort of feels like they lost characterization without much indication that this change was going to. For example, the MC used "determination or rather stubbornness" to complete a half day hike up to a shrine just to make a wish for good luck in their confession, that seems to demonstrate at least a modicum of conscientiousness, whereas it doesn't seem like the transformation should have impacted that part of the personality, but also it hasn't really even shown through in the actions(even if you only account for the ones where the MC isn't directly panicking due to threats to the MCs life or freedom and really it should also have shown up in the actions chosen in the panicking moments, too.
All that being said, I'm going to keep reading, because the premise is interesting and I see potential for this story to be interesting.
Also, none of what I said is meant to be a dig at you, I'm just trying to convey information of how it comes off to me. That way you could potentially use it as a data point if what enough people are perceiving is different from what you were intending. If that happens, then you can use it to adjust what information and how it's conveyed to accomplish what you want.
Don't stop writing and sharing your writing just because some people don't like it or aren't happy, just always attempt to be improving. Pleasing everyone is impossible, but you can attempt to listen to the criticisms people have with a grain of salt, because sometimes they don't know why they don't like something, just that they do and then they sometimes say their issue is x while their main issue is actually y.
I don't like characters being abused without any option to escape or even resist, never mind fight back, it leaves a rather unpleasant taste in my mouth. I don't want to be expected to empathize or connect with a character that does nothing but suffer, I don't enjoy watching the perspective, thoughts and feelings of a being that seems to exist for the sole purpose of being tortured or made to suffer. The point of escapism is to explore a different world, most people don't particularly like escaping to a situation where they have less power, there's quite enough bullies and sociopaths in the real world without creating more.
@foodflare
that seems to demonstrate at least a modicum of conscientiousness, whereas it doesn't seem like the transformation should have impacted that part of the personality
The MC has died, been "mutilated", lost their loved ones, been thrown into a cold and wet forest naked, been threatened with death, rape and more death, been treated as a possession by her gaslighting saviour, while a fox goddess constantly makes fun of her and she's stuck in an environment where she's constantly exhausted and kept from being able to rest... most people would be a weak and partially broken mess before a week of that finished.
@kaithar I could be mistaken, but I think I recall the trip back taking four days. Four days where you're being pulled along and all you have is your thoughts, is quite a bit of time to process at least enough that their personality would demonstrate some of their traits. Additionally, the "gaslighting saviour" has implied that if the MC isn't a slave, that must mean they're a spy and the implication is that spies get worse things done to them than slaves. As far as being kept from resting, it seemed like they stopped for the night and occasionally, when the MC appeared to beginning to appear fatigued, to drink the potion that caused the MC to wretch. There's a whole bunch of time in 4 days where the MC didn't talk to Ofris about the situation at all or didn't even think, apparently. A four day forced march would still have people thinking about things during that duration and while I wouldn't think most people would be completely back to normal, most people would at least have began the process, since the only external stimuli was the potions, sleeping, the tug on the ropes, and the one fight.
@foodflare from the description, the trip back was one of constant exhaustion, terror and being forced to drink a potion that made her violently sick (that'll contribute to malnutrition)... very little sleep apparently had (poor and interrupted sleep is nearly as bad as no sleep at all)... being pretty cold... isn't really much of an environment for recovering or thinking, definitely not one for becoming mentally stronger.
Additionally, the "gaslighting saviour" has implied that if the MC isn't a slave, that must mean they're a spy and the implication is that spies get worse things done to them than slaves.
I get what you're trying to say here, but that isn't what's going on here. He's been consistent in telling her she's a slave, that she was abused by her master, that she's pregnant... he's convinced that's the truth and is trying to make it clear that he knows that's the truth. He's convinced she's hearing voices because of trauma. The only reason he's trying to tell her being a spy is worse is because he thinks she's going to get treated as one if she keeps denying the reality that she's a slave. He knows she can't be a spy because the only way someone as weak as her could have been in those ruins was to be taken there and left. She's run out of energy to contradict him and he wasn't listening to her when she did at the beginning. This has all been made pretty clear in the text.
And I think you seriously underestimate how much energy it takes to think about things. She'd be hard pressed to think coherently when suffering this much hypothermia and exhaustion, even if she wasn't in partial shock to begin with. Why would she waste energy talking to someone who constantly tells her she's either lying or imagining it?
@kaithar I agree. The problem is that it is way too early for us to make a judgement for that. Clearly the story is set to change, with the whole get magic quest. The first few chapters or episodes of most stories are always like this until things are not.
@helzblack I'm only judging based on the setup so far... he's got a chance of being an ok character in the future, he just has to start treating her as a person with free will.
I don’t hate weak MCs. In fact, I enjoy seeing characters struggle and challenge themselves. I just don’t like it when the MC refuses to act despite clearly having agency. Though one thing that would make the story better imo is more tails for Rika.
@kaithar Except also from the description, Ofris had explicitly not pushed the trip as hard because he was caring for the MC as if the MC was pregnant. You're also ignoring the fact that the potion itself had also been expressed to relieve fatigue. Also, based on the characterization of Ofris so far, I highly doubt he wouldn't have had meals for the two. Also, for all we know the potion can act as nutrition in emergencies, since it wasn't explicitly mentioned what the eating situation was, we can't really tell one way or the other if it was bad or good. In real life, your stamina and strength only increase if you exercise with enough nutrition, but in this world, it's not clear if sustained nutrition is even necessary to increase stats. I would suspect it has an impact, but no verification from the story thus far. As far as the spy thing goes, from what I remember, he had said the MC was far too weak to even potentially be considered a spy and if that's his assessment, then most likely most other people in this world would likely make the same assessment, but still was telling about the spy being worse.
I think you're underestimating how many automatic processes that are to get the person back into a functional enough state for survival.
@foodflare
Except also from the description, Ofris had explicitly not pushed the trip as hard because he was caring for the MC as if the MC was pregnant.
Fair, he was being consider about force marching her slightly slower, but he decided she was pregnant and treated her as such even though he had no proof and she had already denied the prerequisite. Nor does good intent in acting negate the inherent harm of the act... That he's trying to protector doesn't negate the fact he's effectively kidnapped her to force her (and her imaginary child) into slavery.
You're also ignoring the fact that the potion itself had also been expressed to relieve fatigue.
Fair, but it was clearly doing something bad to her and he forced her to drink it anyway. He thought she was faking or heavily exaggerating until it incapacitated the raptor. He apparently didn't even consider that constantly being forced to drink it was contributing to her fatigue and weakness, which it would. I doubt the small sips were helping nutritionally, but she was vomiting it back up anyway.
but in this world, it's not clear if sustained nutrition is even necessary to increase stats
Nutrition is essential for muscles and brains to operate properly, starvation deprives your cells of the stuff they need to have energy. Hypothermia also causes those cells to shutdown, resulting in the same physical weakness and impaired cognition. If magic were bypassing these problems then people wouldn't need to eat anymore, would be immune to cold, and would possess endless stamina. MC very obviously lacks any sign of those qualities.
still was telling about the spy being worse
Well, no, that's not the problem. The problem is that he's telling her that a slave is the only possible status she could have. He's telling her, to paraphrase, "You are a slave, the only other option is being a spy and you obviously can't be, so you have to be a slave" ... his thought process never entertained the idea of her being free and non-hostile. He didn't consider the option that maybe she'd be better off free or with her own species. No, he saw she was a beastkin, automatically labelled her as a slave, and dragged her back to a human settlement to be processed and sold.
And finally...
I think you're underestimating how many automatic processes that are to get the person back into a functional enough state for survival.
No, I'm not. You can't recover from hypothermia and such things while that state is still ongoing. A lot of trauma related recoveries cannot be done if you are still in the traumatic state or haven't the time to properly integrate the mental state. Survival recovery requires you to stop and recover.
Think of it this way: Can you recover from the impairments of blind panic while still blindly panicking? Can you recover from exhausting your stamina while sprinting while maintaining the same pace?
She might be suffering from some cardio shock from the hypothermia, she's definitely in a psychological shock state, I can't think that she wouldn't be suffering from side effects of the body being new and new to her, it's been clearly said she's suffering from malnutrition and muscle damage from over use... these aren't conditions you can recover from without ending the cause. Grief at the extreme she's experiencing can only be properly handled with time, dying is definitely going to be PTSD inducing... She can't recover while suffering so much mental fatigue that she's getting weaker and has an annoying goddess messing with her.
@kaithar And it has only really been about a week for the MC in this story. Im quite frankly amazed at how well she is holding up at this point.
@kaithar I'd like to suggest you go back and read the story again keeping a few things below in mind.
1.) Ofris has been characterized with a self-ascribed sense of integrity. This is shown to at least be more than purely internal with his reaction to the rest of his group's choices for initial treatment of the MC that wasn't to attempt to help the MC. It might be said that the reaction to the, by his interpretation, untoward plans for the MC from the young adventurers. We don't know if that's what they planned, but that's what his understanding was.
2.) Setting up camp and having meals on the walk or breaks for the mealtimes don't necessarily push the story forward, so they can be quite frequently skipped. Though breaks were explicitly mentioned as having happened frequently.
3.) The reason the potion ingestion was likely shown is that it does push the story forward in multiple vectors.
4.) Would a character that has a belief that they have a decent degree of integrity, eat in front of a starving MC, especially since that character believes the MC to be pregnant.
5.) Would a character that has a belief that they have a decent degree of integrity, not provide means of keeping warm(such as what was originally provided when the MC was found naked) on the walk and at night? Likely setup a campfire akin to the first night, but no guarantee, but there would almost certainly be something.
6.) Yes the MC would likely be getting less restful sleep because of unfamiliarity with sleeping outdoors(not 100%, but highly likely due to the given backstory we've gotten of the MC thus far), especially since there dangerous creatures and likely more sounds to deal with. Also, there would be stress from walking for long periods of time when not used to it and when encountering creatures you sense are threats to your new life.
7.) And, yes, there are likely ramifications to having experienced death once and the grief of coming to terms with not being able to see the loved ones of the MC. But you can already see the beginnings of processing it in the MCs moments before meeting Ofris. To be clear, I'm not saying it's solved there or even would be solved by the time they reached the town, just that the process would be happening.
8.) Rather than getting weaker, the MC has actually been getting stronger from the trip from all the stats gains and level ups, but sure, the MC could conceivably be getting weaker psychologically.
9.) Even with the potion being as bad as it was, the MC had expressed that it had felt refreshing, though there's no indication whether that's just physically or both physically and psychologically. That's not to say being forced to consume it wouldn't potentially cause issues.
10.) Speaking of 9, up until the fight with the "t-rex" it definitely appeared that Ofris was interpreting MCs reaction to the potion as being more along the lines of picky eating rather than the experience the MC and I guess the "t-rex" thing had. Though it does beg the question why it's only a mildly bad thing for him.
I'm not saying the MC isn't in a situation almost impossible to equate with the reader's experiences, but I am saying the hyper extreme experience you're conveying with your comment is not what appears to have happened.
@foodflare
1) No amount of "self-ascribed sense of integrity" can prevent objectively poor behaviour. As long as he subjectively believes it to be the correct action or in her best interests then he can do it and not think he's doing something wrong. This is a very normal and common thing, he is objectively harming her even though he thinks he's helping her.
2) There's not really mention of making camp. He's effectively moving solo so he hasn't the leeway to rest while another is on guard nor can he really risk fire and cooking in the thick of the forest. I'm not even sure he has a tent with him since I think the last mention of it was him crawling out of it.
3) Not having it on screen doesn't mean it's not harming her.
4) His stats might well mean he doesn't have to eat nearly as much as she does. The magical appraisal explicitly says she's suffering malnutrition.
5&6) Making fires at random forest locations is utterly stupid, it's just begging for trouble. Same with cooking. I'm basing things on what kind of camp would be set under this condition:
The nights had been short, thanks to the loud and foreign noises and calls of a large variety of animals that were likely easily capable of ending my life – again.
And the subsequent encounter when she woke up. They're clearly in a situation where they need to be as inconspicuous and mobile as possible.
7) Most normal people can take days or weeks before they absorb the loss enough to start recovering. You also need to have time to stop doing other things... it's very common for whoever is handling the funeral and other affairs of death to not start processing their emotions until they stop being busy.
8) Her stats might be going up but that means nothing. Her stat increases can't replace the limited food and rest, the strain of the forced march, etc.
You know what, I'm just going to point you back to this paragraph:
“Her body is weakened from hyperthermia and lack of sleep. Furthermore, her muscles began deteriorating due to them being overstrained and lacking nutrition, making her unfit for physical labor for at least a week. You can support her regeneration by ordering her to rest and feeding her a balanced diet.” Sahria explained before looking down on her paper again.
That's about as clear as one could hope for about the journey.
9&10) She kept throwing up after drinking it and pretty clearly conveyed that it was the cause. Maybe it recovers some stamina and heals injuries but it doesn't seem to negate the vomiting. Repeated vomiting is normally mentally fatiguing as well as damaging to your throat. If my child were to vomit after trying to eat something I would take great care to keep that thing out of their diet. Perhaps it's human specific and contains something other races can't ingest.
The biggest two things that frankly make this story in anyway bad are the complete idiocy of the mc (she earned that dumber than a cat intelligence with how she acts, literally a dumb idiot) and the way the goddess clearly gives zero shits about her “daughter” but claims she does.
No one should ever get to pressure you like that author san. your story is great. It does have me contemplating arson on one scummy guild hall. What you do is a gift. What frustrations you endure to make this story are worth sharing as well, and those who stick with it or come later will know this relief properly. TFTC