Chapter Nine

“What hypocrisy is this? To demand inaction from me in the face of oblivion?”

“What?” Ilaki said, blinking at Leshin with blank eyes.

“Your EX?” Leshin cried, gripping her own scalp and twisting her hair.

“Y-yeah?”

“You courted a woman?”

Ilaki scoffed, defensively crossing her arms. “I mean, she wasn’t a woman at the time.”

For a few moments, Leshin just gaped at the girl, her fingers twitching. “Are you fucking with me? Tell me you’re fucking with me.”

“No? She’s—I mean—you can’t tell?”

“Tell what?”

“Well… I don’t want to say it! It feels rude to talk about someone else’s appearance like that,” Ilaki said, crossing her arms. “I assumed you knew; everyone else keeps talking about it behind her back.”

“Ilaki. Cupcake. I’ve no idea what you are saying. I’m—I’m lost. For the love of God, please just tell me what is going on.”

“Look, this is clearly something she ought to tell you herself. It’s really quite personal, and it doesn’t seem like it’s my place to discuss it.”

Leshin cringed. “I’m more asking about how you of all people ended up courting another woman. I mean, I don’t have any issues with…that. I mean, m-morally speaking, it’s—it’s not like… But—you know—such affairs are illegal. Very, very illegal!”

“It wasn’t! I swear, we abided by every law!”

“How?” Leshin said, a bit louder than she’d meant to. “That’s—I checked the—it’s impossible! I—I didn’t think…”

“Look, Leshin, it was a legal affair, but I just can’t… I mean, I would be betraying Shina’s trust, and she’s already been mocked so much that—it wouldn’t be right to tell you.”

Leshin stood there, stunned. The sheer coincidence that she’d been imprisoned right alongside two strangers who had also… made shameful arrangements with other women… How could she not be allowed to know? How could Ilaki deny her such vital information, when it would mean—when it would mean she might have had a chance? That her fate as a slave of God might have been avoided?

That she could have been with Silika?

She fell to her knees and laid her forehead against the ground. “I swear to you, Ilaki,” she said to her friend, who flushed in shock at the sight of her self-debasement. “I swear on everything I have ever stood for, by all my honor as the once-heiress to the Thatcher’s Guild, that if you tell me, I will never speak a word about you and Shina. I will pretend that I have learned nothing, and I will not look on you or Shina in a different light. I just… I need to know. I am so, so sorry, but I—I beg you.”

Ilaki stammered, speechless. She took a step back, then shuffled over to Leshin’s side, where she laid a gentle hand on her back.

“Okay, Leshin. I’ll—I trust your word.”

Leshin raised her head and sat back on her knees.

For a moment, Ilaki glanced around the hall, skittish. “So, uh, Shina used to be a… man.” Ilaki whispered that last word like it was some unfathomable slur that demanded secrecy and discretion.

“Used to be—how would one ‘used to be’ a man? Or—no, that doesn’t make sense… How did she end up being a priestess? Is the whole point not that you’re meant to be a woman?”

“No, no, it’s—I mean…” Ilaki groaned, holding her head in her hands. “It’s complicated. But you’re not the only one who ended up here thanks to a grudge. She used to be a man, and now she is a woman. Not entirely by choice, but she is who she is, and that’s all I’ll say about it. I’ve said far too much already.”

“Fair enough.”

“As for me… We were acquaintances when we were children, and when we both turned fifteen, our parents suggested we begin courting, as Shina was my father’s best friend’s son. So, we did. It was actually quite nice. She was sweet. Very affectionate, bubbly, excitable. Nothing like she acts now, but I suppose that’s to be expected, considering what she went through. Our courting went well for a year or so, but then she told me how she felt about… who she was. And I suppose I just got a bit… frightened by the whole affair. We had grown to care for each other—perhaps even love each other—and maybe, if things were different with my family, I… might have abided by the change. But I was the eldest.”

Leshin grimaced. “Ah.”

“With the weight of my inheritance—I couldn’t put her through all that. It would’ve meant a schism! My father would never relinquish his filial authority to a woman, meager as it was. It just wouldn’t happen. And even if it did, we’d have been run out onto the streets in short order. No one would understand. Nobody could.”

“No,” Leshin said. “I—well… I—”

Internally, Leshin’s heart waged war on itself. If Ilaki had meant what she said—meant that she wouldn’t have minded courting a woman, even if that woman had, apparently, somehow been a man at some point—then perhaps Leshin’s own history wouldn’t come as such a shock. But then, Ilaki’s situation was unique. Surely, it didn’t compare. But for some reason, it felt like it did. Why—why couldn’t she just say it?

“I… would understand,” she said, the words forcing themselves out without her own permission.

Ilaki shot Leshin a skeptical look.

“I—I… I’m, uh—fuck.” Leshin turned around and sped off, but the damn hall just kept on going, and Ilaki had plenty of room to catch up. Why did God have to design this place so horribly?

“What are you saying?” Ilaki said, grabbing Leshin by the wrist. Jerking to a stop, Leshin gritted her teeth, her hands shaking. She refused to turn and regard the girl behind her—she couldn’t.

“Leshin,” Ilaki said. “What are you saying?”

“Y-you know—fuck—you know damn well what I’m saying.”

“You—you too?”

Leshin wouldn’t cry. It wasn’t allowed. She tensed her face up, desperate to hold the tears in, avoiding eye contact as if Ilaki could devour her soul with just a look. And yet, she nodded.

“Oh,” Ilaki said. “Oh—I’m so sorry.”

The corner of Leshin’s lips twitched. “Thank you for telling me.” With that, she pulled away and stormed down the hall, leaving Ilaki to stammer in place.

Boy, I sure do love writing characters who struggle with internalized homophobia. No particular reason why. Totally random creative choice, no personal connection there. But hey! If you'd like to make a personal connection, you could come hang out on my Patreon-exclusive Discord!