Well, Sunday arrived. My friends’ lack of enthusiasm was made up for by Himawari, the poor thing practically buzzing since she woke up—since she woke me up. I may have been responsible for that by buying her a bunch of stuff for our trip….

Anyway, work was done, Toyama left, Sakura and Natalie arrived, and off we went. Now we were actually going there, old memories trickled back. “My” mother used to take me there with Sakura and her mother; after she passed, Sakura and “Mrs” Fujiyama kept taking me until my father remarried. No wonder I wanted to take Himawari, part of my happy childhood I wanted to share with her.

Not a long walk, we arrived and went through the customs, shoes off, stripping down to a small towel. It really was surreal at first, this body so comfortable while my mind wasn’t. Although I’d been to a spa before, a dressing gown really did feel more modest than a towel that didn’t even cover my butt.

What helped was seeing how awkward Sakura and Natalie were. I caught Sakura’s eye and smiled, but she just jerked away, face already boiling and we weren’t even in the water yet. Natalie wasn’t so extreme, but her gaze was noticeably above my head and she kept her uncovered backside facing the wall.

What settled me was Himawari. “How’s the temperature?” I asked.

“Good,” she said, her hands happily patting her lap as I washed her hair. We had a whole selection of travel products specially for today.

By the time I finished helping Himawari (and she helped me), the other two were in one of the tubs, so we went to join them.

Not surprisingly, Sakura and Natalie both sat slumped, water up to their necks. The fairly clear water didn’t exactly hide much, but I guessed it was about the principle. None of my business, I wasn’t planning to stare.

I wasn’t. I kind of did plan for Himawari to, though, and she did. As weird as it was to the old me, I thought there was merit in letting children see what real people looked like naked, not just barely-clothed models and porn. Himawari could see that it was okay to grow up and look more like Sakura than me, because she probably would.

Of course, it wasn’t just us. There were mothers with young kids, old grannies, and a few in-between. That was probably healthy too. After all, we wouldn’t always be young.

My idle thoughts as we soaked came to an end once I noticed Himawari getting bored. I smiled to myself, recalling the sorts of things my mother used to do to keep me settled. They probably wouldn’t work on someone so old, but they were still nice memories, reminding me of a time when I was loved.

“Come here,” I softly said, keeping my voice down, as I patted Himawari’s shoulder.

“Why?” she asked, yet moved before I answered.

I sat her on my lap and slowly massaged her head. Oh she just melted, becoming a lump. I silently chuckled, carrying on, eventually moving to her shoulders. When I was going to start on her arms, I glanced over and saw Natalie watching with a smile. Our eyes met, a shyness coming over her, but I wasn’t having any of that any more.

“Should Natalie give your fingers a massage?” I whispered.

Maybe half-asleep already, Himawari clumsily nodded, so I looked at Natalie and Natalie sighed, admitting defeat by raising her arms. Himawari didn’t dawdle, shuffling over to Natalie’s lap.

With my new-found freedom, I stretched out and sunk deeper, letting the warm water embrace me. Just like I used to do. The world muffled, eyes closed, imagination free. Well, my imagination wasn’t so free any more and instead endless thoughts began to stir.

Before I brought myself down, I sat up again. This time, I met Sakura’s gaze, which quickly darted away, her arms crossing, face deeply red.

“Too hot?” I softly asked.

She tensed up, almost like she jumped, then she said, “It’s okay.”

Natalie kept Himawari entertained for a while, massaging her fingers then her feet, but I wondered if there was a generational gap, being bored a foreign feeling for kids these days—or a feeling relegated to classrooms.

Nothing for it, I took Himawari out to pamper. She would soon take an interest in makeup and stuff like that, so we’d picked out some moisturisers; like before, I helped her put it on, then let her try it on me, tidying it up once she was done. Small steps.

Sakura and Natalie soon joined us in the lobby, dressed again. The last part of any sentō visit: Himawari and I downed a small bottle of milk with our other hand on our hip.

Natalie watched us with almost a smirk. “You really do that? It’s not an anime thing?” she asked, laughter in her voice.

“D’you want to try a coffee one?” I said, pointing out the variety on offer.

She hesitated a second, then nodded. “When in Tokyo.”

I chuckled, putting in coins I’d specifically brought along for the machine. “I’d hardly call this far out Tokyo, but sure,” I said lightly. Something clicked as I did, the way I said Tokyo a bit off, a sigh slipping out. Turning to Sakura, I asked in Japanese, “Do you want a coffee too?”

Down from a flush to a blush, she bit her lip and then gave a small nod. Why she was still so timid now we were dressed, I didn’t know, but it surely wouldn’t last.

Anyway, Himawari was buzzed all afternoon. First, she dragged us back to show Sakura and Natalie her new pyjamas, which meant I had to too. Then it was the pizza, something we’d never really had before outside of other people’s special occasions. Finally, she just loved the movie, completely enamoured with Scooby Doo by now. Her English was obviously far from good enough to watch foreign movies, but Natalie snuggled with her. Wasn’t Natalie extra eager, Himawari extra cuddly in her new pyjamas, practically a ball of pastel pink fluff.

It wasn’t exactly late when the movie finished, but it was getting there and Natalie had to head home. Sakura offered to walk her to the station, kindly not wanting me to leave Himawari alone… and I was in my matching pink, fluffy pyjamas.

“Bye Nat-onee-san,” Himawari said, clinging to me as she waved, not at all trying to hide her “favouritism”.

Like always, Sakura just laughed at Himawari’s antics. “And me?” she asked.

“Bye Fujiyama-san,” Himawari said with a pout.

So they left laughing, left behind me and Himawari, the house suddenly a lot quieter. After lingering by the front door, we shuffled to the kitchen and prepared a snack. I’d gone light on the pizza, not made of money, knew we could put together some leftovers. Nothing quite as comforting as rice and miso soup.

While we “cooked”, I asked, “Did you enjoy the sentō?”

“Mm, yeah,” she said, tiredness smothering the joy.

No expression suited a child as well as tiredly happy. If only once, I was glad she had this experience.

Needless to say, she practically passed out the moment I snuggled her into bed, barely getting out a word. I lingered to make sure she was asleep, then retreated to the kitchen.

Such a silent house.

The soak and relaxing evening helped me sleep too, waking up before Himawari woke me up the next morning. It was kind of surreal listening to the morning sounds for a change. A slight twitter of birds, muffled clangs from the kitchen, sometimes a hum drifting under the door.

Had “I” ever heard Himawari sing before? Maybe, just maybe, I was making a difference. A positive difference.

Smiling to myself, I lay in bed and listened as best I could until her light footsteps approached my door, her cheery voice softly calling out, “Mi-onee-chan.”

Curious, I ignored her.

Sure enough, she called again and again, gradually getting louder. I barely kept from laughing, knowing she went through this every day. “I’m awake,” I said.

“Breakfast is ready,” she said.

That cute morning stayed with me all the way to school, in a good mood for the walk, maybe teasing Sakura more than usual. Really, I’d entirely forgotten about the sentō awkwardness until we met up with Natalie by the shoe lockers.

“Yesterday was fun, no?” she said.

“Yes, and Himawari loved it too,” I said.

Sakura hummed in mild agreement.

“I told Dory and now she wants to go to an onsen some time,” Natalie said, and her voice sounded softer.

But what made me curious was the name. “Dory?” I said.

“Oh, Chidori—I met her in America and then we both ended up coming back to Japan,” Natalie said, ending with a chuckle.

“I see,” I said.

“So, are we going again?” Natalie said.

I turned to Sakura and found her looking away, but she’d clearly been listening, saying, “Um, that is… I would rather not.”

“Just me, Millie, and Hima-tan, then,” Natalie said jokingly.

But Sakura didn’t appreciate the joke. She tensed for a moment, then said, “Sorry, I need the toilet,” before hurrying off.

“I’ll see you in class,” I said after her, keenly aware something was wrong, but entirely unsure what.

“That time of the month?” Natalie whispered in English.

I shrugged, that answer as good as any, but “my” intuition didn’t think so.

Hard to focus with that weighing on my mind, I barely made it through the classes, Sakura pretending like nothing was wrong. Natalie’s guess really did seem more likely by the end of the day: Sakura barely said a word, excusing herself at breaks, not eating much.

I started to believe that was the reason right up until the last class ended.

“Mi-chan, can we talk before we go home?”

“Sure,” I said, but what couldn’t she say while we walked? Nothing came to mind, confused the whole time I followed her to a deserted part of the school—the old school building, now mostly used for storage.

It was a beautiful place in its own way, the dust in the sunbeams almost twinkling, desks and chairs piled up making me think of building forts—or a secret rendezvous. A quiet place where no one would stumble upon us.

Amused by that, I turned around to look at Sakura and was about to share the thought, only to be silenced by her expression. She looked in pain, on the verge of tears, clutching her stomach, trembling.

“Do you need medicine?” I asked, taking a step forward.

She shook her head, spilling her tears. Taking in a deep breath, she dried her cheeks and stilled, eyes scrunched shut. Although she stopped trembling, it felt more like the eye of the storm than the storm had passed.

“I’m so sorry, I feel so guilty after yesterday, and I just…” she said, blurting it all out until there was nothing else, last word lingering on her lips.

Thoroughly confused, I tried to sound sincere as I said, “It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay!” she shouted, so sudden it actually scared me, heart pounding and frozen in place. “It’s not okay…” she whispered.

Shock wearing off, I tried again. “Can we talk about it?”

Every second of silence physically hurt, heart aching seeing her like this. I just wanted her to be happy. Until now, I didn’t realise how important that was to me, just as important as making Himawari happy, maybe more so.

“If there’s anything I can do—”

“Suki desu,” she said, then, in case I tried to misunderstand, she repeated it in English: “I love you.”