Chapter 23: An Explanation Of Sorts

 

“Are… are you Amy?” Tony asked carefully. Serena just regarded them both carefully. 

“I, what, why, what, no,” Eric said, shaking his head in mild-to-severe confusion. 

You may have to be a little more convincing than that, Amaranth added. Or this is going to be the most suspicious denial either of them have heard all day. Though I don’t think “I’m Alyssa” is going to alleviate that at all. Eric cleared his throat and his mind, took a deep breath, and started over, determined not to think about why Anthony assumed he was Amy instead of like, being a crush or whatever.

“I just— I trust you both not to be weird about this,” Eric said, “but it’s a little heavy, okay? So please be cool.” The solemn nods from both of them were so genuine he felt an immediate urge to tease them for it, but if any time was not the time, it was this time. “I am not… how do I put this… I’m not the only person in my head… anymore.”

There was a silence, the kind of silence that in comedies was filled with chirping or a record scratch, but since this was a public park on one of the hottest days during the hottest summer on record (so far!) it was filled with the sound of children playing with water guns and a dog barking in the distance. 

“Um,” Serena said. “I have questions.”

“I maybe have answers?” Eric said. He was starting to regret this just for the sheer awkwardness of it, but he decided to push on. “Go ahead.”

“How did you, uh, find out?” Serena said. “Did the voice — voices? — just start talking to you? How many people do you think are in your head? Is this a defense mechanism? Are you taking medication? Have you talked to a therapist about this?”

“Calm down,” Tony said, crossing his legs and leaning on his knees. “I’ve read about this.” They looked at him. “People always seem mildly offended when I say that, like I shouldn’t be able to. Anyway, Serena, it’s something called plural…ness. Or something like that. It’s like a trauma thing, and from, like, the people I’ve talked to it’s not really… imaginary?” 

“Tony, he’s hearing voices,” Serena said. “Hearing voices is always bad. Like, Gollum, Jekyll and Hyde, whatever McAvoy’s character’s name was.”

“Yeah, and so is being brown or having a disability,” Anthony said. “My point is that it’s actually a pretty big community? Just one that’s not talked about, like being trans.” More looks. He rolled his eyes. “I helped my older brother with research, doing a paper on invisible marginalized communities. But I think the fact is that like, if you have, what’s the word, head…pal? Headmate? If you have a headmate, they’re not less ‘real’ than you are. Or they can be. I think.”

Eric didn’t look. He stared. Tony would never cease to surprise and amaze. Eric could kiss him. And you want to, Amaranth chimed in, causing him to blush slightly. 

“It’s… something like that, yeah,” Eric said. “Amy — Amaranth — showed up around the time of the fire and she’s just… yeah. Her own person. A bit new to the world but she’s very nice and she wants to help. I don’t know how going to a therapist would ‘help’ with that.”

“So you’re saying there’s two people sitting there,” Serena said. “Not one. And you don’t want to get rid of her?” 

Eric shook his head, and Amy purred slightly. It wasn’t just the fact that Amaranth had allowed him to save Serena’s life or that she allowed him to fly and change shape and have long flowing hair. She was just also lovely company to have. Oh, heck, you too.

“Do you think the fire caused… Amy to appear?” Anthony asked carefully. It was clear that, despite the fact that he seemed pretty knowledgeable about the subject, he was still kind of uncomfortable about the whole thing. 

Amy giggled. Well, yes and no. “Indirectly,” Eric said, “I think so yeah.”

“Is… is it possible she was always there? Tony continued. “Sure she was brought out by the trauma of the accident, but do you think the girl, Amy, could have always been sort of slumbering beneath the surface?” 

Though Eric trusted Tony’s research, he still had to shake his head again. “No, Amaranth is definitely new. She picked the name herself. I wouldn’t have come up with that.” Yeah, you’re more of a Alyssa kind of guy anyway. That name goes way back huh? Eric did his best to ignore her. 

“So… is she here, with us?” Serena asked. Anthony shot her a withering glance. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean it in that, like, ‘are the demons in the room with us right now’ kind of way, more like… could we talk to her?”

“That sort of depends on her.” He turned his proverbial gaze inwards. If she wanted to say hi, now was the time.

“Hi!” Amaranth said, and Tony and Serena both recoiled like a firecracker had gone off in front of them. “My name is Amaranth but you can call me Amy! I’ve heard a lot about both of you and it’s very nice to meet you and thank you for keeping Eric safe for so long he values you both very much as friends in ways he wouldn’t say out loud because he’d be too embarrassed to do so.”

“Holy cow,” Anthony said, then leaned in forward, squinting. “That’s wild.”

“Woah.” Serena stared into Eric and Amy’s eyes, like she was trying to see inside their head. “That’s… woah.”

“Is the difference between us that noticeable?” Amy asked, excitedly. “I don’t think the body changed!” She giggled like it was a joke. If only they knew!

“It… it really is, yeah,” Tony said. “You sit different. You look younger, almost. Your expression is just… I’ve never seen Eric make a face like that.” He sat up straight. “Hi, Amy. It’s very nice to meet you.”

“Damn,” Serena just said, leaning forward. Eric half expected her to push them back onto the ground and start sniffing them. She wasn’t usually this intense. “Uh, yeah, hi.”

“Hi!” Amy said again, and gave a very small wave.

“The thing you said about Eric,” Tony said, “did you do that deliberately to embarrass him?” Amaranth nodded enthusiastically. “Good. Can he hear us right now?” Another nod. “Eric, we feel the same way about you.” The devilish grin on his face would have been enough to turn Eric into a puddle if the words hadn’t been.

“I’m sorry, I’m still hung up on the fact that Eric just transformed right in front of us,” Serena said. “Amaranth, Amy, you’re really… real?”

“Yup!” She said. “Real as you are! Though I’m not nearly as cute!” Amy giggled.

“Up for debate!” Tony said with a chuckle. “So… have you been here since the accident? Talking to Eric?”

Amy shook her head. “No, a few days after that. I guess I needed time to… manifest. Come into my own, you know? M— Eric’s mom almost had an accident, and that kind of shook me awake.” She saw their expressions. “Nothing happened and she’s fine. Just a trip. But it was the shock I guess I needed!”

“Well, I’m glad Ms. McCoy is fine,” Tony said. “So… now what?” He looked at the others. “I take it you’re here to stay?”

“Sure does look that way!” She said. Eric giggled internally. He was glad he got to share the living-happy-emoji that was Amy with others. It was a strange experience, seeing her interact with his friends from the inside. He had expected to feel trapped, on the inside, but it was more like lying down on the couch behind a friend who took over the talking for a bit, knowing that, if he sat up, Amy would lie down.

“So it’s just the two of you in there, right?” He asked. Another nod. “Well, what do you want to do about this? Like, moving forward? Eric is one of our closest friends and you’re going to be there with us. Are there things about you that we should know about?”

“How are you so chill about this?” Serena said. “Our best friend just came forward and went ‘by the way there’s a girl in my brain’ and then just like, took a back seat while this girl talked to us and your response is to ask, what, if she has a peanut allergy?”

“I mean… yeah,” Tony said. “It’s not what I expected but this is Eric we’re talking about. He could have told me he’s t… thinking of becoming an MMA fighter and — after making fun of him — I would’ve gotten a gym subscription. We take care of each other, Serena.”

“I… yeah,” she said. “I think I just don’t get it.”

“Can I do anything to help?” Amaranth asked. “I can imagine this is all a lot to take in but if I can make things easier for you, I’d be happy to!”

“I guess just… keep talking,” Serena said, gritting her teeth. “This is weird and uncomfortable and I want it to not be. Okay, question: can you two switch on command?”

“Yeah,” Eric said, slipping back into the driver’s seat like it was nothing. “It’s pretty easy, too. Like a kind of invisible push and pull.”

“What if neither of you are like, ‘active’?”

“Then we’re asleep,” Eric said with a smirk. Serena punched his arm. 

“Ha ha, smartass.” She paused and put a hand on his shoulder. “This is really real?”

“Really real,” he said. “Any more questions for Amy?”

“Yeah,” Tony said. “I’ve got a couple.” Amaranth once again stepped forward. “So, going to a thing I mentioned earlier, are you familiar with trans people?” She shook her head. Eric was vaguely aware of them, but it wasn’t something that had really come up yet, and so Amy hadn’t had a reason to ask. “So… being trans means that your body doesn’t conform to what you feel like on the inside or something like that. Something about your ‘assigned gender’ versus your ‘real’ gender, and how that like, feels like your body feeling wrong,” Tony said. “But you’re a girl, right?”

“Yup!” Amy said. “One of the first things I figured out!”

“So doesn’t it bother you? The fact that you feel like a girl but that you’re in Eric’s body, which is, even though it is scrawny and frail and can be easily picked up and folded into a laundry hamper, masculine?” Eric’s annoyance was apparently deeply amusing to Amy, who giggled at the mental image. 

“Not really,” she said, “I make do! I get to be a girl in here, and that’s what matters to me.” That was a bold-faced lie, of course. Amaranth went full girl at least once a day. But that wasn’t something they could tell their friends yet. “But I can imagine that’s really rough for some people. How do they deal with it?”

“Medical treatments and having people who care about them,” Tony said. “The way we care about Eric, for example. Like I said, I’d accept him no matter what, and that kind of support is really important to trans people.” There was a — deeply attractive — intensity to him that Eric didn’t really know how to contextualize.

“I see, I see. Thank you for explaining, Anthony.”

“So how do you feel about girl’s nights?” Serena said. “The boys never want to paint our nails, and, like, I have friends who would but none who are as good at talking smack.”

“I think that would be lovely!” Amaranth said. “We might have to wash everything off afterwards, depending on how Eric feels about that. Speaking of which.”

“I’m going to ask that you don’t do anything that isn’t easily reversible to Amy,” Eric said. He briefly noticed that Amaranth sat up straighter than him. He felt his back slouch. “But other than that, that sounds like a really good idea, Serena. I think you two might get along. But, uh, Tony.” He turned to his other friend.

“What’s up?”

“You said something earlier about trans people and your body feeling wrong.”

“Yeah?”

“Doesn’t everyone feel that way?”