Leo

 

“How did they get coffee stains on the ceiling?” I asked the empty room as I laid back on the leather couch, following the little black stains with my eyes waiting for either sleep to take me or the will to move to win out. 

 

“Would it have been better to just go and sleep at home?” The lonely and quiet living room didn’t respond but I also knew, at least on this account, that I didn’t need it to respond. I stayed here to wait for Em to wake up specifically because I couldn’t stand to leave their side.

 

“I wonder if this counts as spending the night at my partner's house…” I smiled at the thought, though I knew I would never claim it. 

 

“What are we at this point anyways?” Unhelpful questions began to fill my mind as I considered that.

 

Who should take a step closer to whom? 

Is it still alright for us to be together after all that happened?

Why can’t we voice our feelings for each other?

 

“Ahh. Fuck it.” Swearing and shaking myself free of the frustrating thoughts I got up and walked towards the kitchen. 

 

“Maybe I can surprise you with some breakfast.” I thought of all Em had to deal with yesterday. Confronting James on their own had to have been hard. A fresh meal would no doubt be nice. “I’ll try and apologize for not getting there faster too. 

 

I grabbed some eggs, american cheese, and ground italian sausage from the fridge. “Some colors would be good too.” Checking the vegetable drawer I saw some red peppers and a jalapeno. “A bit of spice never hurts.” Some digging in cabinets and a quick rinse and I had the ingredients spattering in a greased pan. “Some nice and spicy omelets, a perfect morning treat…” Looking at the pan I suddenly had a sinking feeling.

 

“Shit… What if they're allergic to dairy? Or don’t like spicy things?!” I quickly started panicking before stopping myself and taking a deep breath. “Ok. We got this Leo… Just gotta have a back-up option. No big deal. Pancakes… and waffles. Might as well do both.”

 

Reaching into the cabinets I confirmed some flowers and I’d already pulled out the milk for the omelets. Grabbing another pan I threw some butter in there and grabbed a measuring cup. 

 

“Just a simple swirl to spread it around evenly and… Flip!” I joyfully flicked the pancake into the air only to splash batter onto the counter and dirty my cooking area. “Shit.” I finished up a batch of pancakes before pouring the batter onto the waffle maker appreciating its simplicity. “I always preferred waffles anyways… Oh this is my first time cooking for Em… I should make this a bit fancier, some fruit would be nice.” As the first waffle was running I grabbed a cutting board and a batch of blueberries and strawberries from the fridge. Throwing the blueberries in whole I diced up the strawberries and finished those as I pulled the waffle out, appreciating its piping hot golden appearance. Ahh… That’s how a good breakfast should look.”

 

I throw on the fruit waffles and put on some music at a low volume. I think Em liked punk, so I go with some classic 90’s punk. 

 

Jamming along to the music I stop and grab my phone after I hear it buzz, I look at the clock and freeze.

 

It’s only 4:30am.

 

I feel my heart racing as I mute the music, my body pulling the last waffle off of the maker. I realize I’ve made a full breakfast hours before anyone else is going to be awake.

 

“Ok. No. We can fix this.” I rub my eyes and talk aloud, focusing myself. “Coffee. I just need to grab us coffee. Work just opened.”

 

I remember Em walked to my work early in the morning back when our relationship- friendship? - Whatever, begin. Confirming on my phone I slip out the front door and close it as gently as I can. I immediately start sprinting down the street, enjoying the cold wind pushing against my face as I pick up the pace and arrive at the cafe just as Rina was unlocking the door.

 

I waved at her, grinning at my own weirdness of showing up first thing in the morning.

 

“Hey, Rina! How have you been? It feels like it’s been ages since we worked together.” She gave me a deadpanned glare before stepping aside with a sigh.

 

“It's way too early for this Leo. Go. Sit.” I gave her a confused look but obediently stepped past and slid into the quiet cafe. 

 

It’s only been a little bit since I worked but it felt longer despite that. I’ve been working shorter shifts and at slower points of the day, just trying to pull back a little on the stress nozzle in my life.

 

“I thought you were opening, I guess I got here a bit earlier. Sorry about that.” I shouted to Rina as I pulled up a stool and sat at the edge of the bar.

 

Rina grumbled something to herself before taking a deep breath and grabbing two coffee filters and starting a pour over, the soft floral scent implying a light blonde roast. Well the high caffeine content was the only thing about it that actually mattered to me. At the end of the day, coffee just tastes like coffee to me, meaning the only thing that matters is how much energy it supplies.

 

“I was gonna get-” I started to ask for my preferred latte but Rina just raised her hand up to silence me.

 

“You're gonna take a simple dark cup  and you're gonna like it.”

 

We sat in silence like that for about five minutes as Rina poured the boiling hot water slowly over the coffee beans filling the barely lit store with the gentle flavor.

 

Rina slid me my cup and took a slow sip of her own. I enjoyed the dark acidic burn down my throat taking a gulp that’s heat served as much to wake me up as the caffeine. We sat there quietly drinking the coffee until Rina spoke up at last.

 

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong now?”

 

I tried to sputter out an excuse that I didn’t know what she meant but the words kept abandoning me at the last second. I took another drink of the coffee and swirled it in my hand before I responded with my eyes closed to hide the feelings inside. “I don’t know what to do…”

At first I started out confused but I began to pick up momentum the more I said what was in my heart. “I love them… They are amazing… Strong… Stunning… beautiful… But when they need help… I keep failing. I know they don’t blame me but… At the end of the day when they most needed me, Natalie was there… not me.” I felt the bitterness jagged like a knife digging into my chest poisoned with jealousy as I thought of Em feeling comfortable enough to fall asleep in Natalie’s arms at the police station. “I can’t even make breakfast right…”

 

Rina took a drink of her coffee before slowly turning to look me in the eyes.

 

“Sorry about this” I raised an eyebrow in confusion as she suddenly apologized out of nowhere. Before I could say anything though I felt a blistering slap spread across my face making me fall back in surprise.

 

I fell to the ground confused and angry, frozen in place. “What the fuck Rina?!” I shouted at her as I stood back up slowly.

 

Rather than looking all that apologetic the look on Rina’s face was more of barely contained frustration and anger. “Maybe now you’ll be able to stop this ridiculous self-pity exercise.” 

 

I frowned and looked at her aghast. “Self-pity? You asked me what was wrong and I told you… I thought you were my friend…”

 

Rina crunched her cup in anger and stood up leaning forwards, seeming to tower over me despite our height difference. “I am your friend Leo. That’s why I’m not going to play around coddling you when you're acting like this.”

 

I considered for a moment just walking away but forced myself to sit down instead, albeit a seat away from her. “What do you mean?” I asked her quietly.

 

Rina took a deep breath and explained herself. “You seem concerned that Em thinks you're worthless or something. That they value your friend Natalie over you. What’s so infuriating and stupid beyond belief about this is that you have been there supporting them. Goddamn, Leo, you spent six months at their bedside when they were in a coma! I know some things happened that you haven’t told anyone, that’s fine. It’s understandable. But to compare what you have been through to their bond with this girl… It's selfish. You're only hurting yourself, and I won’t just sit here and let that happen. Did you forget that I was there when you were a walking zombie so depressed you couldn’t even function? Back then you needed comfort, right now you just need a reality check.”

 

I opened my mouth to reply but couldn’t come up with the words to say. 

 

We ended up sitting in silence until Rina ended up standing and patting my shoulder and sliding me a fresh cup of coffee. “Just talk to them Leo. That’s all you need to do. I know you're scared, but it’s long past time to face that fear alongside your partner. Isn’t that what you wanted in the first place?”

 

I stared at the coffee before slowly nodding. I knew she was right, she didn’t have to slap me but she was right. ‘Just talk to them.’ It's much easier said than done. I quietly mumbled out my fears as  I stared at the black cup of coffee as the various machines started whirring to life as Rina got ready for the day. “We’ve talked a lot before. Had confessions and teary conversations so what makes this feel so different?”

 

Rina seemed to wait for a moment before talking this time. “It’s the doomsday problem. You guys confessed when you had a big theoretical threat around the corner. There was no way to know what would ever come of it, so you didn’t have to really care about the words you said. What was more important was you had someone who you cared about who could understand your pain without you having to explain it. Now you survived your doomsday, you gotta put in the work to back up those words.”

 

I bitterly scoffed but didn’t disagree. We ended up sitting in silence for awhile until Rina slid me a tray of drinks, a hot chai tea with the bags steeping in the cup labeled with an ‘N’, an iced Pentagram covered in syrups, whip cream, and holding five shots, labeled with an ‘E’, and finally my own drink which I could reason would be my flat white with twelve shots and toffee nut and vanilla bean powder. Labeled with… “Idiot Who Overthinks Things” I glowered at Rina but she just shrugged.

 

“How did you even get these ready so fast?” I bitterly asked as I looked at the already prepared drinks.

 

Rina just shrugged, wiping down the steaming wand on her espresso bar. “I’m a very good barista.”

 

I scoffed at her joke but didn’t deny it while wiping at the tears forming in the corner of my eye and mumbled a thanks.

 

She nodded and smiled at me, “You should get back to them. I think you're ready to have that talk now.”

 

I took a deep breath and nodded.

 

As I stood up I froze as I saw the clock by the door saying it was five past five. “Shit! The food.”

 

I carefully carried the drinks as fast as I could out the door, ignoring Rina’s laughter behind me.

 

I ran out the door as fast as I could, somehow managing not to spill anything. Balancing a tray of drinks in one hand and my phone barking directions at me in the other I made it back to Em’s quaint little house without wasting any extra time.

 

Stopping at the entryway to catch my breath, I saw that only fifteen minutes had passed since I left Rina. 

 

I held my phone in my mouth as gingerly as I could and grabbed the doorknob, turning it softly before remembering it had a scanner to unlock it. To my surprise though, the light under the knob glowed green and the door clicked open quietly.

 

“Em already had me registered here… When did they even get the chance?” I murmured under my breath as I walked into the darkened apartment with my phone's glowing light leading the way.

 

“What are you doing?” I nearly jumped out of my skin as I heard Natalie angrily whispering to me from the kitchen table, still filled with food now cold from sitting out.

 

I tried to explain but found myself unable to even summon the words. Natalie had dark rings under her eyes and her hair was tied up in a towel. She’d clearly just woken up and hadn’t gotten much sleep to begin with. 

 

After multiple attempts to speak failed Natalie stood up and walked over to me grabbing her coffee before guiding me over to Em’s doorway. “You woke us both up when you left earlier. Make up for it.”

 

I tried to stop her but she swung open Em’s door, shouted an apology, and shoved me through it, shutting the door quickly behind me. “Damned meddler.” I grumbled under my breath as I looked over and saw Em sitting at their computer desk rubbing their eyes. The room was still dark with only the glow of a computer monitor giving it light. I  couldn’t help but notice there was a plate of partially eaten toast next to Em. 

 

“I- I got coffee…” I held up Em’s pentagram lamely as I tried desperately to read their expression.

 

They gave me a half glare before motioning for me to give it over.

 

“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you… I wasn’t able to sleep and I kinda failed to notice what time it was.”

 

Em took a deep drink before mumbling that it was fine.

 

For some reason I felt myself being annoyed at their dismissive attitude. “It’s not though… It isn’t ok. I’m…” I struggled to come up with what I was trying to say, to explain the frustration building in my chest that I couldn’t put into simple words.

 

I noticed Em was frowning as we both sat in silence. 

 

“I’m never good at this.” They muttered it just quietly enough that I had to struggle to make it out. “It’s always easy at the start but… I don’t know what to do or say to make you feel better.”

 

I let out a soft sigh and sat on the ground next to them. “I don’t think anyone can really be ‘good’ at this Em.” I took a drink of my latte before letting out an exasperated huff and adding. “I’m certainly not. I just got slapped by Rina for overthinking things and being too scared to just say what’s on my mind. I’m both annoyed and kinda grateful?”

 

We both shared a little laugh over that before Em quietly asked. “And now? What were you overthinking?”

 

I wanted to sigh again but held myself back. “I… I guess at some point I… I started to be afraid and didn’t know why or even how to talk about it. Everything was just so happening so fast and in such a big way and it was fine when it was all happening but when I stopped to think about it I just felt overwhelmed.”

 

Em looked away and I thought I could make out them rubbing at the edges of their eyes. “Is it… Is it us? Do you not-”

 

I stood up in a panic and looked at them. “No! No! Not at all. I still really like you, and I want you to be a part of my life, please… I just-” I shook my head and groaned aloud as I struggled to figure out how to express what I wanted to say.

 

I knew what the heart of it was, that I felt like I wasn’t doing my part, that I was failing in the most basic part of my responsibility for a relationship. But I also knew that my fears were irrational. It felt as though the two halves of my brain, logical and emotional, were fighting with each other locked in a perpetual stalemate. “Dammit! I’ve had relationships before, dated  and more. So why do I feel like I’m fourteen confessing to Jimmy on the playground again!?”

 

I ended up just kneeling in front of their seat and wrapping my arms around them. “I’m sorry.” I mumbled out an apology. Promising myself that I would figure out how to explain what I wanted to say. I wouldn’t just shove it down and repress it.

 

“If I want Em to be happy and healthy, then I have to be happy and healthy.” I made a simple rule for myself. An admittedly pretty weak one but I’d build it into a foundation for us.

 

I let myself cry into them. Not holding back my emotions and refusing to be ashamed of them either. 

 

Eventually we fell into silence, at some point I felt Em’s tears fall onto my shoulder as well and when I looked up they leaned down and our lips touched, softly and then hungrily. 

 

We moved towards their bed and things progressed in a better direction from there.