Em
I woke up feeling a warm breath against my neck and the gentle cool breeze from the autumn wind coming in through the window. My heart began to race as the groggy quickly fled my mind and reminded me of what was happening.
I’m naked. In bed with someone. In bed with Leo…. In. Bed. With. Leo.
I froze in place not wanting to wake him, as I felt a calm smile grow along my face as I remembered, and felt, what had happened before we fell asleep together. His awkward confession and apology and how our kiss evolved from me just trying to get him to understand he doesn’t have anything to prove to more... passionate things.
I looked over at his bare body, lithe and muscular resting on my chest just softly breathing, absorbed into his own lands of dreams.
When he came in, there was so much I wanted to say. To tell him… In the end I could only vaguely respond.
“Do you really not understand? I’m the one broken… My life has been torn apart and I’ve brought nothing but trouble to you? How can you possibly not see how important you are to me, how I’ll never be able to even touch the generosity and love you’ve shown me.... Thank you… Thank you so much...” I whispered to him as a sad smile grew on my face and another chilly breeze blew in making him unconsciously wrap his arms tighter around my body.
I feel Leo’s breathing quicken and his arms tighten up, as the soft ticklish feeling of his eye-lashes brushing against my skin sends shivers across my body.
For a brief moment I feel a fear surge in my body. Fear of rejection. Of loss. That everything we said and promised were only as good as the first feeling of regret after their culmination. I shut my eyes with a desperate prayer to anything listening.
And then the fear vanished, gone with the simple sensation of his lips on mine. It wasn’t an overwhelming sensation like before, but a gentle one soft and loving. The kiss that roared an inferno to life before was aggressive and passionate. Driven by our need to communicate things we couldn’t simply say with our words. This one felt more like a precursor. An introduction to a better future for us both.
I opened my eyes and saw him staring down at me. His emerald green eyes seemed to pull me into his gaze, and he had a smile wider than any I’d ever seen. I pulled him closer to myself and kissed him back, intertwining my legs with his under the covers. Our lips separate as he leans his head back smiling happily as he quietly asks, with just a tinge of fear in his voice if this is real.
Feeling something stir within me, in tune to him I feel a teardrop fall from my eyes as I nod my head. “Yea, this is real. I’m real. We’re real. Do you… regret what we did?”
He shakes his head in response and wraps his arms around me holding my body against his. “No. No, definitely not. I’ve wanted this… to be with you as myself since I first met you.” I lay against his body resting my head on his chest feeling his heartbeat. “I didn’t understand it for the longest time but I think I was scared… terrified of not being good enough for you. Since I… decided to be me, I never let anyone get close like this. I knew in my head that you wouldn’t reject me but still…. I was scared. I felt I had to prove to you that even if you didn’t like my body I would still be worth… keeping around.” I felt my heart breaking as I tried to speak, to tell him that he was beautiful and how being his true self only made him more attractive to me. But I couldn’t summon the words, the smile on his face and in his eyes seemed to tell me that wasn’t what he needed, or wanted, to hear.
“When James was still around I felt safer honestly, I despised him for all he did to you, to us, but he made things easier… He was someone for us to stand against. He created a need for me to be with you, but when he was arrested and you stood alone against him so I could help August I just felt… pathetic. How could I even think of feeling better with him there when you were summoning all your strength to get rid of him for both of us? When I realized how stupid I was being I saw how Nat was able to be everything I wasn’t… She comforted you, prioritized you, she’s beautiful and… natural.” He let out a bitter laugh at himself. “I fully came in here this morning ready to kiss you goodbye and step back so she could be what I’m not… imagine my surprise when I saw that look in your eyes. You had tears in your eyes, and i put them there because I couldn’t understand my emotions. You were scared of me leaving. My stupid, indecisive, unable-to-express-his-emotions-self.” His voice cracked and I saw tears falling out of his eyes but he made no attempt to wipe them away or hide them. He just looked me in the eyes and smiled.
“I had no clue of what to say then or even what I was feeling but when our lips touched and we were together like that I felt like my body had made all the choices for me. I thought I would just end up waking up again terrified and wanting to run away but instead… I woke up and all I thought about was how amazing you were. How I have never felt more like I belong than I do when I’m at your side. How I love you and my only regret was it took me this long to be able to understand and say it aloud.”
I smile wide at his tearful confession and know that this one is different than anything we said in the hospital. Back then we were both exhausted and terrified and just felt comfort at having someone who understood feeling the same as us, but right now as we lay in bed with our bare-skin touching within the comfort of our home this is the truth. “I love you to… I hope you’ll stay by me.” I brush a bit of hair out of his eyes and wipe a tear away as I lean up and kiss him slowly letting our instincts guide us as we entangle ourselves.
I break the kiss slowly and whisper as I lay my head alongside his, running my finger along his chest. “When I was at the police station talking to James… I wasn’t feeling brave or empowered or much of anything really. I loathed that I had to give him time at all. I wanted to be with you, meeting August's family and helping her. James terrifies me…. Not because I think he’ll hurt me but because I’m worried what he might do to you… to August and Natalie. For a long time I didn’t want anyone getting close to me, when they did I felt like I was insulting Esme’s memory… How could I think to start a new life when her killer was still running around? Who would even want to start a life with me when her shadow still hung so heavily over me… Then you asked me out. And It was for the stupidest reason! I went on a rant over a video-game and this stupid cute barista suddenly says that he has to learn more about me? I thought… I thought it was just going to be another joke, another troll but you actually showed up! We went out and it was a blast… that was the first time in years that I ever genuinely smiled, I felt like the weight that had been suffocating me was pulled back just a little.” I looked him in the eyes, sliding myself over him to lay atop him. “I love you Leo. Nothing will ever change that. You don’t have to change or ‘earn’ a place by my side. That place will always be open for you.”
I kiss him gently and rest my head next to him in bed cuddling up under the blankets. I wanted to just keep making out with him but something about our confessions made me slow down and just enjoy his comfortable feeling. I noticed by the glint in his eyes that Leo was probably thinking the same thing, and the soft sensation of his hands sliding up and down my legs told me as much.
I let myself close my eyes and just listen to his soft breathing, within a few moments I felt myself drifting off to a pleasant dreamland, guided by the gently sensation of his body.
As I let myself focus on the feelings of his fingers I suddenly was jolted out of my peace by the vibrations of my phone on my computer desk. I opened my eyes glaring furiously at the corner of the room before letting out a sigh as it stopped and I guided Leo’s hands back to what they were doing with a soft and flirty smile.
This time I pulled Leo over to me enjoying our kissing and the quickly igniting heat between us, hoping for something slower and more sensual than what we had earlier only to again be interrupted this time first by Leo’s phone ringing and then my own vibrating again.
“Goddammit!” I swore aloud as the mood was ruined.
I let go of Leo with a now, very exhausted sigh before we exchanged a look of mutual annoyance and started laughing. “I guess we should probably check that.” I shoved him over to his phone before forcing myself out of bed to get my own.
I could feel his eyes on me as I walked across our dimly lit room, the room isn’t particularly large but I walked slower anyways perhaps taking my frustration of being blocked out of him since I couldn’t on whoever interrupted us.
I grabbed my phone, grimacing from the bright light telling me it was three in the afternoon. I had two messages I could see were from Natalie.
Leo and I both swore at the same time as we read the texts sent to us in a group chat telling the two of us to hurry up and get dressed because August and Dr. Viviek were waiting for us. Natalie was apparently showing them the backyard but she suspected we would want to wash up before meeting them.
I remembered briefly asking them over last night since I was far too out of it to properly thank them at the police station. I was planning on going to the hospital to see Esme’s memorial stone and tell her about Jame’s arrest so I thought I could invite them along and then go and hangout or something.
I felt my heart sink as I quickly realized that I had absolutely no clue what people normally do to hangout. From the time I was sixteen my life was essentially gaming in one way or another. Anything out of that was usually driven by Esme, James, or a need for escape and survival. Realizing that for the first time I was outside of all that felt both freeing and terrifying.
I found myself looking over at Leo with a renewed smile. This was a new life I was about to embark on, and I found myself an amazing partner to join me for it.
For a brief moment I was tempted to tell Natalie to take August and Dr. Viviek out for coffee so I could spend some more time with Leo but that hope was ruined as I saw him quickly dressing. He grabbed my hand and pulled me with him, I grabbed my clothes as we moved along and he poked his head out the door checking if anyone was around the corner. He hastily explained with an almost childlike fear that was much more amusing than I probably should have found it. “If August finds out that we slept together, and wasted so much time when today was supposed to be a special day for you… I don’t even want to imagine what she’ll do to me. We just have to hurry up and shower together, it’ll save time. She already suspects something is up, she sent me a text at the same time as Nat telling me to hurry up.”
I resisted smiling at his antics, particularly the convenient excuse to shower together, and asked him why he thinks that means she knows we slept together.
He shook his head with a empty look in his eyes like a prisoner seeing his cell door shut before his eyes. “I wasn’t here when she got here and there are only two bedrooms. If she thought I was sleeping away somewhere alone she’d have just gone and woken me up. She didn’t wake me up because we were together.”
I had to admit that her knowing we slept together was a little disturbing. I didn’t want her to think poorly of me but I also felt a slightly rebellious desire stirring within me. Leo clearly hadn’t realized it but if we both wake up at the same time, and both are visibly showered it is the equivalent as screaming ‘HEY WE HAD SEX!”
I stand next to him only half dressed holding my hastily picked clean outfit and a big fluffy towel. I grab his hand and without hesitation shove him out of my bedroom and quickly around the corner, catching just the barest glimpse of Natalie pointing to the backyard. I remembered her mentioning one night as I was getting ready to leave the hospital that she really loves gardening. She’d been pretty hesitant up to that point about moving in but when I said that the house has a big backyard I barely used it and she was fully on board taking the entire thing as her own personal passion project.
While we were able to get each other clean and showered quickly enough I couldn’t help feeling like showering together is probably the worst way to do it. Maybe it was the time crunch or the fact that we actually had things to do and people waiting on us but I felt the entire activity could be summed up as not a great way to pass time with a partner, or to get clean. It was somehow the worst of both worlds.
Getting out of the shower, heated from more than just the hot water we dried ourselves off, exchanging quick kisses and managing to somehow pull ourselves away from even further wasting time we got dressed and went into the backyard joining our friends and family.
I smiled as Leo walked out first, and I noticed that the collar of his shirt left just a little bit of a mark on his neck. Not enough to draw attention if you aren’t looking for it but visible enough I couldn’t help but smile widely. Heading out a few seconds later I walked over to Natalie and Dr. Viviek. They were standing by the edges of the yard where the remnants of flower beds once were. I peeked out of the corner of my eye, August and Leo talking. Leo was seemingly trying to explain why he was late but August was just struggling to not laugh at him, I caught her noticing the mark on his neck. Rather than be angry at him it seemed to me she was just thoroughly amused.
Maybe I just can’t understand siblings.
“Thanks for showing everyone around while I got cleaned up.” I raised my voice as I walked over to the viviek and Natalie, interrupting their conversation.
I saw Viviek narrow her eyes for a moment, apparently considering saying something before just sighing and shaking her head instead. She looks at me and laughs, seeming to decide to set aside her ‘serious doctor persona’ for a moment, instead she smirks a little and says, “Sleeping in everyone once and awhile is fine but you shouldn’t make a habit of it, regardless of the distractions.”
I cough awkwardly in embarrassment at the implications which get a laugh from her. She adds, this time with a genuine smile, “I’m glad you are happy together.” I felt my heart race at her approval, I never thought I cared about it but when I thought of how she’d made an adamant point about Leo and I taking it slow or risk hurting each other I couldn’t help but be thrilled. “Thank you.” I murmured to her as she hugged me.
As we separated I acted like I suddenly remembered something and wrapped my arm around Natalie’s side. “I just remembered something I needed to tell Nat, mind If I steal her for a moment.”
Viviek looked back and forth between us before raising an eyebrow and walking away just telling me to be quick as we needed to get to the hospital soon.
I watch as she walks away before leaning over and pinching Natalie’s arm as hard as I could. “That’s for meddling!” I chastise her, knowing she forced Leo into my room to talk to me.
Natalie yelped but didn’t react to the pinch; instead she pointed at my neck, “Judging by that big hickey on your neck, the half-day you spent in bed together, and OH YEA the fact that you showered together! I’m gonna say you should be thanking me!” She stuck her tongue out as I pinched her again for shouting, before trying to awkwardly cover the mark on my neck I hadn’t noticed in the mirror earlier.
“I didn’t know he gave me a hickey.” I couldn’t help but frown, a little annoyed at the embarrassing mark while also feeling a bit happy for some reason. I shook my head and rolled my eyes as I gave her a genuine hug this time. “And I am thanking you. Just still annoyed at your meddling. We would have talked eventually.”
Natalie seemed happy at my thanks but only gave me a deadpan look at my insistence that he and I would have talked without her meddling. Simply adding with an exhausted sigh very reminiscent of her mentor, “If you say so.”
I wanted to keep protesting but stopped as I heard Dr. Viviek loudly clap her hands and get everyone's attention. “I know we all want to hang-out and talk some more but we are short on time. I suggest we get out and head to the hospital, we will have plenty of time to talk afterwards.”
We all agree and Viviek offers to drive us in her van.
Part of me considers wanting to tell everyone but Leo to simply stay back and wait for us. I want to tell them not to be inconvenienced by my needs but as I look over everyone's concerned faces and I remember how they all raced to the station for my sake yesterday I can’t ask them to wait here for me.
A quick ride to the hospital later and I’m taking some apprehensive steps forwards walking through the never ending maze of fluorescent hallways that had occupied so much of my time over the last year.
“Was it always this long of a trip?” I asked as we took what seemed like the twentieth turn. “How do you not get lost?”
Natalie and Dr. Viviek exchanged confused looks before at the same time.
“Instincts.”
“Practice.”
I looked over at Leo and August in exasperation, muttering. “Somehow I don’t feel comforted by that.” They giggled a little before shrugging. Leo pointed ahead of us to a pair of glass doors fogged over with steam. “I think it should be up here.”
Dr. Viviek agreed and we stepped through the glass doors into a wide open botanical garden. I could hear a bubbling stream of water in the background and all around us were butterflies fluttering between fields of flowers hidden behind a hedge maze that I knew was built to center on the black brick memorial to the hospital's lost patients, and Esme.
Unintentionally I felt my steps slow down and shorten as we began to walk into the maze.
“Em?” Leo was the first to notice and slowed his own walking to talk with me. “Are you alright?”
I let out a soft sigh and smiled bitterly at him. “I don’t really know.” I could see the clearing before us, the familiar priest, Father Jackson, we spoke to before and his associates talking to each other in quiet voices. One of them was digging in the garden and it suddenly occurred to me that they are probably the ones who maintain this place. We walked forward for a bit longer before I suddenly looked at Leo and asked my voice, ringing with a scared pain I couldn’t describe. “What do I tell her?”
Leo hugged me tightly, kissing my forehead and telling me it’ll be alright. “Why not just tell her what you’ve been up to since you were here last. Tell her about Natalie moving in and us getting closer. Just let her know that you're ok. I’m sure that’s all she really would want to hear. You don’t have to worry about anything. I’ll be right here with you.”
I hugged him back just holding him closely to me, using the chance to calm my breathing and clear my throat. After a moment I let go of him and nodded. As we walked up to where the priests had gathered Dr. Viviek rested her hand on my shoulder and told me they would wait over here. “You should do this part alone with Leo.”
I let out an uncomfortable breath I hadn’t even noticed I was holding in and thanked her for understanding. This was hard enough to do with Leo standing by me, if the rest of them were there as well, despite how much I care about them, I just wouldn’t know what to do.
We walked forward just a little more and Father Jackson excused himself from his group and walked over giving us a wide smile and bright greeting. “Ahh my children, it's a blessing to see you!” I felt something about his attitude was just a bit forceful but didn’t say anything to it. I realized he probably wanted to greet us as ‘Mr. and Ms.’ but remembered my lack of gendered pronouns so corrected himself at the last minute. I appreciated it and returned his smile but noticed that Leo was uncomfortable with the priest. I held his hand and walked towards the priest.
“Father Jackson, I feel like you're always here. I hope you get to go home sometime.” I shook his hand and smiled at him.
“It’s true the works of god and man never cease… but thankfully that’s why I have my friends alongside me. Even God had a day off.” We laughed at each other's bad jokes for a moment before he calmed down and asked us what he could do for us.
“Some good things have happened recently so we came to share the news with Esme.” I pointed at the black brick engraved with her name, date of birth, and date of death sitting atop the collection of similar stones accumulated over many years. I noticed as I gestured over that a new stone sat next to Esme’s but I didn’t want to bring unnecessary attention to it. There was no doubt a sad story, and a sad family, to accompany it.
“Of course, please take as much time as you need. Our garden is always open to you. Do you mind if I say a prayer for you?” I hesitated but his voice was so welcoming despite the little pain that seemed to sit inside it. I got the impression the act of prayer might have been as much a gesture for us as it was for him. I nodded in acceptance and looked at Leo who seemed conflicted but seeing me accept did so as well.
Father Jackson thanked us and closed his eyes, holding the rosary around his neck in one hand, he whispered quietly and gently placed his hands together. I noticed his lips form our names but didn’t hear what he said. After a moment he opened his eyes and smiled saying ‘Amen’ and gestured for us to take a seat at any of the benches around the memorial.
Following his guidance, we thanked him and sat at a bench a bit away from the priests to try and make Leo feel a bit more comfortable.
“Thank you for this…” I whispered to him as I bent my head down in prayer.
He didn’t say anything but wrapped his arm around me and mirrored my position, with our eyes closed I did my best to pray to Esme.
Never growing up in any kind of structured religious household I always wondered what it meant to ‘pray’ to someone. I wasn’t sure if I ever figured it out but I see it now as having a kind of mental conversation, much like when we would sit in our apartment in the virtual world and talk about anything at all, with no worry about people listening to us or spoiling our privacy. I tried to picture that same setting, first imagining the sounds of water dripping into a pan, then the scent of fresh coffee and Esme’s floral perfumes, and finally the feel of the old table and the sun's rays resting on us.
In my mind I opened my eyes and saw her sitting there just patiently waiting for me to start.
“Hey baby… Sorry for taking so long.” I felt tears form at the edges of my eyes but didn’t want to cry in front of her. I didn’t want to ruin this with tears. “God, so much has happened. James was arrested… you finally got justice. I’m-'' My voice choked but I forced the apology out with a croak anyways. “I’m sorry you had to wait, but I promise he’ll never be free again. I met a boy… I think I love him. Hah. It feels weird to be telling you that of all people but I know you understand. He’s dorky and blushes way too much but he’s kind and loving… Guys aren't really your thing of course but I think you’d appreciate him. Can you believe he felt so bad for not being there at Jame’s interrogation he thought I was gonna break up with him? He’s way too good for me… You both are... But I don’t want to give up anymore. I want to be someone worth your love.” My throat ached and I felt Leo resting his head on mine and gently wiping at the tears around my eyes but I focused on Esme in front of me. I didn’t want this to go away yet. “I know I owe you a lot. Explanation. Apology. So much more… I wasn’t a good partner for you… I can’t even claim I really tried. I thought being there was all it took and I don’t know if It was a lack of experience or something else that made me think that way but I’m gonna- I just want-” I caught myself from saying anymore. It felt like no matter how I formed the words I was just making up excuses for myself. I sat there resting my head against Leo’s for a while longer before continuing the prayer again. “I don’t know how yet… but I’m going to show you the person you wanted to see while we were together. I’m going to show the whole world what we could have done together if you hadn’t been taken from us. So keep watching Esme… I’m gonna be here and I’m gonna make you proud. That’s all I can do right now… I hope you can hear me....”
I sat there for a moment longer trying to think of something more to say but not being able to find the words. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I miss her. I wanted to beg for her forgiveness for all my mistakes… but I felt it in my chest that that was meaningless now.
I lost the chance for it.
All I could do was to gather my strength and make the future something she could smile down at from wherever she was.
I slowly opened my eyes and looked over at Leo who had his eyes closed in prayer alongside me. A few minutes later he opened his as well and I wiped at the tear that had slid down his cheek as well. I wanted to ask who he was praying to but didn’t feel right now was the time for it.
“Are you OK?” Leo asked me in a soft voice to which I nodded before shaking my head no.
“I guess I don’t really know.” I answered honestly, smiling at him. “I miss her. I don’t know if that will ever go away but I know I can’t give up either. With you… I know I’ll get better. Is that enough for now?”
He hugged me tightly and nodded. “Of course that’s enough. That’s more than enough… All of us are always here to help support you… All you gotta do is ask for it.”
I thanked him and together we stood up and walked away, before we left though I asked Leo if he minded us talking to Father Jackson first. He was hesitant at first before agreeing.
We walked back over to the tall jolly looking priest. He was in a deep discussion with the others before noticing one of them nodding towards us, he seemed to take a second to collect himself before turning around and greeting us.
“Ah. My children, is there anything else I can do for you? Anything at all?” I got the impression he wanted to be specific but was forcing himself to use generalized language.
I shook my head and spoke softly, my voice was still a bit raw from crying but I managed to clear it enough to be understood. “I just wanted to thank you… When you first offered to make the brick for Esme I don't think I really expressed my gratitude enough. I’m not on the greatest of terms with her family so I never got to go to her funeral… for a long time in fact I think I just didn’t want to admit she was gone. Having a place to go… a place to talk to her… It really helps. More than I can express. Thank you. Really. Thank you.”
I held his hand and looked into his eyes to try and make myself as clearly understood as possible. “I can’t imagine how hard your job is… standing out here and helping family after family… I just want you to know how much that means to me and I’m sure how much it means to every family that comes here even if they can’t express it at the time.”
Father Jackson mouthed something but had his head lowered and it wasn’t until a moment later that I realized he was crying. We sat there for a minute before he took a deep breath and looked at me wiping at his eyes. “Thank you…” He nodded, coughing slightly to clear his throat. “I-” He looked back at the other priests before nodding as if to confirm something for himself. “I wasn’t sure we had a purpose here any longer… There aren't too many people who still come here, and the other day we had a child-” he shook his head and corrected himself. “Not just a child, a kid, a young girl no older than ten…” My heart sank as I listened to his story.
A painful one.
A familiar one.
A young girl, who came out to her family as trans. Barely old enough to understand the risks. She assumed her family would support her but they were conservative. Old fashioned. Monsters. Her father beat her and she ran away falling in the street and a neighbor got her and took her to the hospital. They weren’t able to keep her there because the girl wouldn’t admit to the abuse. She took her own life the next day.
Eight years old.
“The family… We made a memorial for her but nobody. Not the parents or the siblings or even the extended family… Nobody came for her. Not to make amends or apologize or even just to grief. They even threatened to sue the hospital if we don't change the name to her birth name. I’ve been doing this for a very long time but… for Ellaogy… I cried to God for the first time in years asking if any of this has a point.” I saw him looking over at the brick next to Esme’s. “Thank you…”
He pulled himself together a moment layer and put on that jolly smile but I could see how fragile it was now. He went to stand up again from the bench we’d moved to but I grabbed his hand before he did. “You're wrong about one thing, Father. She did have someone crying for her, even if it wasn’t the family that birthed her. You mourned for her. You saw the tragedy of her life and took on the pain like you have for so many families.”
As I finished talking I was surprised to feel Leo rest his hand on my shoulder and then lightly over Father Jackson’s any my own. He spoke softly but had a measure of pain and admiration I hadn’t heard him use before. “I don’t like gods and religions… For my community. Especially for our trans brothers and sisters, there is rarely anything good for us there… but… My sister… My blood sister… she took her life after I was kicked out of home, her best friend took me in but I never got to say goodbye… I never even got to visit her grave or see her laid to rest. I think… I think if there was someone like you out there. Someone who could cry tears for her when I couldn’t… I think she might be able to sleep peacefully.” He looked Father Jackson in the eyes without an ounce of shame and with more strength than I could even imagine. “Thank you Father.”
Father Jackson was quiet for a while before thanking both of us and standing up to walk away, unable to say a proper goodbye but neither of us minded. It was clear the three of us had expressed what we needed.
I held Leo’s hand and we walked back over to our family waiting for us by the memorial entrance.
“Are you guys alright?” Natalie asked us with concern in her voice.
I gave her much the same response I had given Leo earlier. “I don’t know… I’m not really sure if any of this is what Esme would want or just what I decided Esme would want. I just know I must do something from now on.. Not just for Esme but for everyone that’s fallen because of peoples manipulations and evils…” Natalie looks at Leo seeing I’d fallen silent and he explains the story Father Jackson had told us.
Surprisingly it was August who spoke up first. “Em… I don’t know if I ever told you this but I actually followed you and Raging-” She stopped herself from using Esme’s gamer tag and used her proper name instead. “You and Esme back then… You might not have even realized it but you both became icons before and after Esme’s passing.” I felt my heart pound as I could tell what August was getting at but I clenched my fists and shook my head.
“I can’t-” I pictured James smiling in his cell knowing I was logging in and going straight back to what I used to do. “I can’t be that person again, they're tainted. Dead.”
August looked like she wanted to say more but Dr. Viviek put her hand on her shoulder and stepped forward kneeling down to look me in the eyes. “Em. You know I, more than anyone else, would be telling you to avoid doing something if I thought for a moment that it would be bad for your mental health. You trust me on that right?”
I looked at her and gently nodded.
“Good. So I want you to listen to me when I say I don’t think you should go back to pro-gaming.”
“Mom-” August started to interrupt her but Natalie grabbed her hands and signaled for her to wait.
Viviek started talking again as we all looked at her curiously. “You clearly want to do more for Esme’s memory and for others like this girl you were talking about. So I do think you should use your audience that you both built up. You don’t have to do that as Hide0us_Replica though, right? You once told me that the two of you had made-” she struggled to find the term but I knew what she was talking about.
“Our alt-accounts. We named them the reverse of our usual gamer tags. But…” I started to ask if that would just be the same but something in my chest told me it wouldn’t be. I also knew that wasn’t all she had planned.
“I’m also not telling you to do it alone, in fact I’m begging you not to. My daughter, not to brag, is a pretty damned good gamer. And you have friends all around you that are desperate to support and help you.” She pointed out Leo, Natalie, and August. I smiled at them. At the bonds we’d built together and how they wanted to keep helping me here.
Was I really about to just jump head first into doing all this again.?
No.
That’s the point, that’s the difference. We aren’t doing the same thing precisely because we aren’t alone.
I smiled at them wider than I ever have in my life. Spreading my arms wide I pulled them all into a massive hug thanking them.
“I don’t know how I ever came to have such wonderful friends as all of you.” They returned my hug with equal force, dragging in Viviek who’d be standing off the the side slightly as the four of us shared in our moment.
-
Yes Votes: 0 0.0%
-
No Votes: 0 0.0%
-
Maybe (explain in comments please) Votes: 0 0.0%
