“The night sky is beautiful, isn’t it? Altair and Vega are both bright tonight.”
―A young girl once said to a boy.
“Like the story of Hikoboshi and Orihime? You know, I never took you for a romantic.”
She hit my arm, just barely enough to hurt. Just like when we first met.
What a moody girl she was back then. What a moody girl she still is now.
―She was still just a child, after all.
“Oh, shut up. It’s Tanabata.”
“Hey, that hurt, you know?”
―A burdened child, born to an uncaring world.
“You really are insufferable, ‘you know’?”
With a smile on my face, I patted her soft, messy, long, brown hair.
She looked at the window once more.
―A lost child, who chose to do what was right.
“Ahh, the stars are beautiful tonight aren’t they? Look, the Summer Triangle is quite bright today.”
“Sadly enough, it appears we have started repeating ourselves. Not even the Advisors’ sweet light could save us from this travesty."
"Alas! Their light has gone dim!"
I laughed.
―A bright child, who ran headfirst into the shadows.
“Aren’t Liaisons supposed to ‘shine a light’ in ‘times of dark?’”
“It’s not meant literally, idiot…”
She looked towards the ground—stained red.
―A tired child, who saw only one future—stained red.
I looked back towards the console—stained red.
This was stupid. This whole damn thing was stupid.
―Both of our lives were stupid.
“…They’ve probably started hunting for us. Hide. You should—”
“I can’t go! You want me to leave you alone? You said we would help each other! Fulfill our dreams! There’s no way I could ever leave you like that!”
―Two stupid children who met each other, bringing light to one another’s darkness.
“The Advisors are not people you can just play cat and mouse with! This is what we worked so hard to get! This thing will fix everything! They built this thing to fix everything!”
She pointed at that damned device.
―Two broken children, who yearned to fix what others had lost.
“We don’t know if it works! Even if it did, are you willing to die if can’t get it to work in time? Listen to yourself!”
She just gave me a sad, bitter smile.
Her stubbornness was so infuriating sometimes!
―The Twins pulled them. The Advisors pushed them.
I saw it through the window.
The bright flash of an electric comet.
―The Twins asked for the help of a child, and that child walked into the abyss.
I heard it from the window.
The loud crash of directed thunder.
―The other wondered, but followed their counterpart all the same.
It was only one of them. I could do this. I had to do this.
“Damnit. That’s mira, isn’t it? Go! With your ability she won’t―”
―“Did you hate us for what we told you three years ago?” An even younger girl asked.
I interrupted her, walking to the door. She was the only one who knew how to start and end this.
“Haruna, I’ll keep her occupied.”
―My answer to that question is yes. But I understand now.
“F-Fine.”
Her voice was shaky. The room dimmed with her breath. The air smelled of ozone.
I stopped, and looked back at her. It was the first time I ever saw her this shaken up.
―“Did you regret what you chose to do, then?”
“I-If you’re so sure about this, promise me. You will come back alive.”
“I promise.”
I turned and ran. Her face in tears, forever staining my soul.
―To that question? My answer was, and always will be, no.
That day ended in a flash of lightning.
An unorthodox style is brave, but I'm not sure if its working right now as you're executing it.
It seems like the left hand side is stuff that happened and thr right hand side is the narrator, but it gets confused with stuff like
―“Did you hate us for what we told you three years ago?” An even younger girl asked.
which seems to now be affecting the outside world.
I had read this before and thought that yhe two sides were different characters but that didnt seem to work either, for reasons like
“I-If you’re so sure about this, promise me. You will come back alive.”
“I promise.”
I like the idea of a new style. I think, though, that what needs to happen is you should figure out some rules for what your structure is and stick to them. something nice and consistent. Maybe pick up a beta reader to test. Some possible ideas from me include:
left hand is always dialogue, right hand is always actions, kinda like a movie script but not really.
Or, left hand is external world, and right hand is internal narration.
Or, or:
left hand is everything another character says or does, and right hand is for your viewpoint character.
You have an exciting premise, so much so that i remembered it while checking my own readerbase and I ddcided to take some time to comment. :)
ill move this work to my hiatus list so that ill get an alert if it comes back. It will mark me as i think having Paused your story. (i hope its not drop because i do not want to drop this)
this is really interesting, we'd be excited to read anymore you write for it!
as for the style, we think it's really interesting!! Though I'm not personally sure how it should be read? Is it like two separate people telling the story? no need to answer publicly or at all, I'm just curious. In any event, if you have a consistent system for it I'd say go for it!
Hmm, honestly my concerns are with how my dialogue is written since I tried to drop dialogue tags altogether, and I think it could be a bit confusing. Structure-wise, I wrote the story with chapters that alternate between the two main characters, which also isn't that common as far as I know.
Thanks for the comment!