The drive felt like it went on forever, I'm not sure if that's because of the traffic, or all the thoughts racing in my mind. How was I going to talk to Beam about last night? I wanted to know what I said to him, and why did he want to hang out today? Did I lead him on or something?
As I stepped out of the car, I took a look around. I wasn't sure if the driver dropped me off in the right area because there were so many businesses around, it was difficult to tell which building it might be. I should probably just call Beam. I began to pull out my phone from my purse, when I felt something tap my shoulder. With one hand up, I swung around, pivoting on my heel.
"Whoa! Don't hit me!" There stood a very tall younger guy. He was wearing black wide frame sunglasses and light brown T-shirt, with dark brown slacks. This has to be Beam, "Oh... Sorry! Are you Beam?" I'm not sure why he started laughing, that was a legitimate question.
"You're funny Tabi!" He must've noticed the addled look I had because his expression changed to a more earnest look, "That's right... You don't remember much from last night huh? I'm Beam! We met last night..."
"S-sorry! I think the sunglasses are throwing me off."
"Oh, duh! Well let's go inside first and then you'll be able to see my face more clearly."
He began heading down a side street, in which I followed him closely behind. There in the midst, was a tiny white building that had a flower arch surrounding the entryway . We walked inside, and fortunately, it wasn't too crowded. We were seated at a two person table against the wall. The aesthetic was very clean and white. They definitely loved the flower look because you could see, located in the back of the restaurant, they had a flower wall that could be used for photo opportunities.
After me and Beam got ourselves adjusted and ordered drinks, I took my sunglasses off. Beam noticed and removed his sunglasses soon after. There wasn't much talking between us, as we both had our heads smothered on the menu. I occasionally took a glance at Beam to check if this was the same person from last night, and I couldn't help but notice how pretty he was. He was prettier than most girls, and his complexion was clean looking. This made me start to think about the way I looked and how I could never take care of myself, as much as he seemed to.
Since there weren't that many people in the restaurant, the waiter came back to take our order. Ironically, I ordered the hangover french toast, which I saw Beam giggle to himself. Beam had decided on the bacon & egg pancake. Once we placed our orders, the waiter took our menus away and left us alone. I didn't really know what to say to him and he was quiet too.
"Sooo... Do you come here often?" Wow Tabitha, that sounded like the worst pick-up line ever. Beam's face contorted, as though he was trying to hold back his laugh, "Ummm, uh... Occasionally. I mean the only time I've gone is on the weekends, but it's actually pretty mellow here during the week." Beam was looking around the restaurant, "I've actually never been here during the week, so I didn't know it was going to be like this." He almost sounded disappointed.
"Would you prefer it to be crowded?"
"Oh! Uh, no... I just was thinking I should've been going here during the week more often."
"I see."
The air grew still again. I'm used to meeting people who know how to keep conversations going, but Beam wasn't like that. This kind of reminded me of James, he was always a bit awkward and was never sure how to interact with others. This always made it so that I would be the one talking... I guess I'm going to have to do that with Beam.
"Sooo... Beam. I'm going to get straight to the point. What happened last night? What did I tell you? And why did you take me home?" Beam looked thrown off by the series of questions. I watched him like a hawk, waiting to hear what he was going to say next.
"Phew! That's a lot of questions, but let me think... Ummm... So you got pretty wasted last night, and you wanted to play a game... What do you guys call it in America? 20 questions I think. I took you home because your friends insisted on it." I smacked my hand against my face... Could this get more cringing?
"What kind of questions?" I was basically interrogating him at this point. I didn't care... My main concern was Hinata and the Yakuza bullshit. I would rather keep that a secret out of everything. As I was staring him down, I felt my necklace fall out of my shirt. I saw his eyes move from his plate towards my chest. Then it dawned on me, I don't think he was being a pervert, I think he knew about the meaning of my necklace. I stuck the necklace back into my shirt, "So, I told you about that huh?" He was so engrossed that he must've not realized I had put it away.
"I-I I'm sorry... I wasn't staring at your--oh God... I'm just making this weird--"
"Jesus! Just stop talking! I know you were looking at my necklace. That's fine..." I muttered the next words out of my mouth, "... You know about my husband then?" Beam was quiet, he looked so uncomfortable. I really started feeling awful about questioning him now...
"Look, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be pushy... There's just some stuff that I didn't want to bring up. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I'm sorry if I'm coming off like one..."
"No-no you're not! It's just last night, when it got brought up, you became really upset and so I just wasn't sure how you were going to react... That's all. I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize... I guess I'll just be honest with you, I don't talk about my past, or my husband with anyone. I mean, it's only been a year and I'm still trying to get over it. It's... Uh, it's hard ya know?..." My eyes felt watery and I immediately put my sunglasses on. What's wrong with me? Why was I telling this person, I barely just met, my whole life story? And why was Beam just sitting there listening to all this? He was just watching me, with his face looking sympathetic. I grabbed a napkin from off the table, and attempted to wipe the tears away, "I'm sorry about that... I didn't mean to get-"
"Don't be sorry! You apologize a lot and it's kind of annoying, AND PLEASE don't take offense to that. You have every right to feel that way... I mean, I can't even imagine how I would be doing if something like that happened to me... I-I'd probably be so far gone..." He had a look of disbelief, as if he were really imagining it himself.
"Look, Tabi. I, uh... I am sorry for your loss. I tried telling you that last night, and you got pretty upset with me, so I just wanted to say it again. I am sorry, but if you don't mind me asking, how are you doing now?"
"Uh, I'm fine I guess-"
"No. I mean, like, how are YOU DOING?" How was I doing? Why did this question seem to throw me off so much?
"I, uh..." I huffed out a long sigh, "I'm not great. I left the states to see if I could be happy again, and it seems as though bad luck follows me everywhere. I left Japan with no plan whatsoever-I don't know the language here-I need a place to live-and I can't find a job. I'm fucking screwed-and alone. I'm 30 years old and I can't get my shit together. Sooo, yeah. I'm not great." Beam didn't seem to react in the slightest after my spiel. He just sat there, looking at me.
"... Obviously I have more problems, but that's to name a few."
"Yeah that's definitely a lot... But have you thought of seeing a therapist? I'm sure you have already, but I thought I would just ask..."
"Of course I have!" I was half-lying about that. I talked to someone for about 3 weeks after the accident, but stopped seeing them because it wasn't helping.
"I see... Well maybe you need to open up more about your past to others cause it seems like you have a lot of pent up emotions..." Beam stopped halfway through, and was trying to hold back a laugh. What was so funny in a time like this? I demanded an answer, "What's so funny?"
"No-no sorry! It's just after I said, '... maybe you need to open up more about your past to others...' I realized I guess I'm kind of like a therapist right now." I began smiling and gave a half-suppressed laugh. It was amusing to think that this total stranger knows my life story now, which is basically like a therapist in itself. He seemed to be relieved that I was trying not to laugh out loud because he started to grin. I never noticed his smile before. He had what some might call a 'boxy smile'. It was kind of endearing.
• • •
Beam and I continued our conversation. It felt like time flew by when suddenly a waitress came to our table and started talking to Beam, "C̄hạn k̄hxthos̄ʹ thī̀ rbkwn khuṇ tæ̀ txn nī̂ r̂ān k̄hxng reā pid." I observed Beam to see what the interaction was about as he spoke with the waitress. The conversation seemed friendly enough because Beam gave a quick nod and looked over at me, "I guess they're closed... They close at 4 and it's 4:30."
"Oh shit! Are you kidding me?"
"Ha, no. I'm not kidding. She was just saying that she didn't want to bother us before cause she didn't want to interrupt our date"
"DATE?" Beam began cracking up at my reaction.
"What the heck! Date? Tell her we're not dating-actually I'll use Google translate and tell her mysel-"
"I'm just kidding! Don't worry she didn't say that!"
"You're lying!"
"Even if I am, are you really going to go chase her down?" Okay, he may have a point, I probably overreacted just a tiny bit.
After paying our bill, we thanked the waitress and left outside. The sun was a lot lower compared to when I first got to the area.
"Jesus, how long were we in there for?" While putting his sunglasses on and tossing his hair back, "At least 2 hours."
"Wow! It really didn't feel that long."
"No it didn't actually..." I was looking around in a daze, still wondering about where the time went, when Beam said something, "Ummm, do you want to walk around for a bit?" I turned my head around to look at him, and he wasn't even looking at me, just kind of staring off. Almost like he's trying to be as nonchalant as possible.
"You're funny... Yeah that's fine."
We walked side-by-side down the busy street. There were a few times the traffic of people would separate us, but we always managed to find each other in the sea of people. At one point, we passed by this huge golden shrine that was crowded with people. I leaned over, and asked Beam what shrine that was, "It's the Ganesha Shrine. It's a Hindu God who is the son of Shiva and Parvathi, and it is considered that praying to him removes obstacles."
"Oh I see. Should we stop and pray?" He had a puzzled look on his face, "Uh, do you want to?"
"To be honest, no, but I thought maybe you would want to." He shot me his boxy smile, while snickering to himself, "Ha! I thought you were serious for a minute there... I usually pray with my family or on special occasions, but I don't do it often."
"Ah, I see. So would you consider yourself religious?"
"Hmmm, I mean I went to an all boys school and most prestigious schools have some religious aspects to them. There were a few shrines at the school I went to, so some students would make offerings. I did it occasionally."
"That's interesting you went to an all boys school... You must come from a good background."
"I mean... We're comfortable." I couldn't help but laugh at this, "Oh God... That's what my husband used to say about his family too."
"That's actually kind of funny. Is that true?"
"Yep, it used to annoy me more when we first started dating, but after a while I got used to it."
We continued along the path... Where was this path going? I wasn't sure, and I don't think Beam knew either, however I didn't mind not having a journey's end. I found it really easy to talk with Beam, it just kind of felt like we were two childhood friends catching up after not seeing each other for a long time. It felt... Pleasant. There was even at one point on the walk where I had to stop and do a double take. As we were talking about some minuscule topic, I started gently smacking Beam on his upper arm, as I was still staring at the object.
"Ow! Why are you hitting me?" He followed my line of sight, "..." I couldn't control my urge not to laugh because I didn't even have to see what his expression looked like to know that he did not find what I was looking at as funny as I did!
"THAT'S YOU, ISN'T IT?"
"Ok-ok! Yes, it's me. Can we continue walking?" There I stood, gawking at an advertisement placed on the side of a bus stop waiting area.
"Wow Beam! You look... Uh, good!" I didn't even recognize it was Beam when I first glanced over at the ad, but damn, he looked so... Handsome.
"Are you done Tabi?"
"Sorry-sorry! I'm just kind of dumbfounded... I didn't really think you were a model..."
"Ugh... Yes I am... But that's a story for another time..."
"Wait!" I spun around to face the in person Beam, "Another time? You make it sound like we're going to hang out again..." There was still some sun out to shine a light on Beam's face, to show that he was a bit embarrassed at what he said, or what I said.
"I-I mean we can be friends, and besides, aren't you going to be living here for a while?"
"Well, yes... But don't you have like model friends you can hang out with?"
"Uh, they're more like coworkers if anything."
"Hmmm, like coworkers? So you'd rather hang out with a 30 year old widow-who has serious mental issues-and might leave at any given time, with no notice?"
Beam slightly looked down at me, giving me a smirk and said, "Well, if you were me, wouldn't that sound more interesting than hanging out with models?" I refrained from showing him that I was amused, and just rolled my eyes instead at his reply.
As the Sun disappeared, and the moon lit up the night sky, Beam wound up walking me back to the hostel. We stood outside, in front of the entryway, waiting for one, or the other, to speak first. Since Beam was so clumsy with his words, I started talking first, "Umm, thanks for today, and for walking me home."
"Oh-yeah! It's not a problem. I had fun today!"
"Did you really?"
"Yeah, of course! I mean, it was an emotional day, but I liked hanging out with you."
"I see... Well I had a surprisingly good time too."
"Surprisingly?"
"Not in a bad way! Just not what I expected I guess."
"Oh, okay. Well that's good then! Maybe when you get your job and find an actual place to live, we could meet up more." He couldn't be serious about this. Like, why would he want to hang out with me? I didn't believe him, however I didn't want to say that.
"Yeah, sure! If you want to hang out again, you have my number." He giggled to himself, and looked a bit bashful.
"Yeah Tabi! I'll give you a call when my schedule is free, or when yours is."
"Okay... Well, goodnight then."
"Goodnight!" I stiffly waved at him, and walked inside the hostel and headed into my room. Beth still wasn't there, but I didn't mind. This gave me more time to think about what had happened today. Sometimes I think my life is just one big joke. I'm always believing something good will happen, and then that tiny flicker of hope is shattered. I can never put the pieces back together, and so I have to move on to my next pipe dream. I don't expect to ever talk to Beam again, and that's fine. I should be used to being disappointed, unfortunately just like that flicker of hope, I still try my best to keep going.
