A few days after my meltdown, Beam had to leave for Shanghai. I remember he showed up at my apartment the day before and seemed really upset. I had thought it was maybe something I did wrong, instead it was just him feeling guilty about leaving me. Of course when he first approached the subject, I felt extremely nervous about being apart from him, but I did not dare to tell him that. He has his own life too and I did not want to get in the way of it.

Beam and I weren't in a relationship, even after I spilled my guts to him, however I could feel our relationship was closer than it was before. He called me everyday while he was away, and even when we did not talk on the phone, he would make the effort to send me a text letting me know what he was doing. I never asked him to do this, although I could tell he was doing this for my sake; the feeling was nice.

Beam had told me he would be gone for at least a week, which was fine with me because I think I needed this alone time. After everything that had happened, I wanted some sort of meditation. And so a few days after he left, I decided to take a trip to a Buddhist temple, but not just any Buddhist temple, The Wat Pho. The temple houses the biggest collection of Buddha images in Thailand, including a 46m long reclining Buddha.

I decided to wake up early to try and get to the temple when it opened. If I could avoid the crowds then, that would be preferable. Even though it was starting to get closer to March, the weather here was still in the 90s. Sometimes I found it strange living in a country where the weather doesn't change much and there's really only one season.

As I scoured through my clothes, I found a black short romper that I had totally forgotten about. I put it on and it seemed to still fit me, it was a little loose, but it looked nice. I put my walking shoes on because I still wasn't sure how long I was going to be at the temple for, or even how large this Temple really was. I grabbed a backpack, threw all my stuff in it and headed out the front door.

I managed to catch the bus before it left. There weren't many people on, which I'm assuming you won't find a lot of people awake here early on a Saturday morning, maybe tourists, not the locals though.

The bus ride went by relatively quickly and once I had arrived at my last stop, I was introduced to a rather large tower. I thought maybe this was the temple, but it was not because I got closer and read a sign that said: หอกลอง Drum Tower

Once I realized the temple was across the street, I made my way over to that area. I walked around for quite a while until I found an entrance. This place was massive, and I kind of wish I had someone with me now since I didn't seem to know where I was going.

I paid the entrance fee and made my way inside the temple. There weren't many people, only a few elderly men and women walking around, but that was it. As I began my stroll, I really started taking in my surroundings. This place was amazing. There was a nice mix of greenery, but also gray and red pavement for the pathways. The color schemes blended in so nicely with each other, and you couldn't really tell that this place was built in the 16th century. Every corner I went around, there would be a new Buddha statue, big or small, they were everywhere.

This was divine. I was taken by the beautiful sculptures and architecture that this temple provided. I found a nearby bench where no one was around so I could take in all of its beauty.

I had thought long and hard on why I came here to begin with. I know I needed the peace of mind that coming to a Buddhist temple would make me feel better, and I guess it distracted me from everything that was going on as of late. I knew I was moving too fast, or at least it felt like I was. I had still been getting over James passing away and Hinata lying to me, and now with Beam... Well, I wasn't sure what to do. Was this visit to the temple actually helping? Or was this just my way of coping?

There's a saying that goes, "Before you can make anyone else happy, you have to be happy first..." Or it goes something like that. I don't think I'll ever be happy, but maybe I'm just so used to being alone and scared that when something good comes my way, I find a way to ruin it. I don't want to be like this, nevertheless I still manage to screw things up.

As I was lost in my thoughts, I was distracted by the sound of leaves crunching nearby. I turned my head slightly to see where the noise came from, and there was an elderly couple walking side by side, with their arms hooked around one another. The smiles on their faces were enough to know that they were happy with the life they had lived together. The corners of my lip curled upwards and I had an epiphany! People find happiness in all sorts of things, whether that be hobbies or their careers. I know I keep saying that I just want to be happy again, however I was the happiest when I was with James and that will never be the same. I think what I want most is to have someone who I can grow old with. I thought that was going to be me and James, except life has a way of throwing you curveballs. Now that James is gone, I don't have that special person by my side anymore, although that doesn't mean someone else can't come along. Maybe that's why I keep trying to latch on to someone, I just want to care for another person and that person to care for me... Isn't that what everyone wants in life? To be loved? 

I continued my walk around the temple and took pictures as I went along the pathway. As it started getting closer to 10, more people began entering the grounds. I didn't want to be surrounded by the crowds, so I made my way to the reclining Buddha to take photos before leaving.

I began my walk back to the bus stop when I felt my phone vibrating, I looked down to check who was calling and it was Beam.

"Hey!"

"Tabi, why are you awake so early?"

"I wake up early all the time!"

"Yeah I know, but it's your day off and I'm surprised you're up, that's all. It sounds like you're walking too. Where are you?"

"Well since you asked, I actually visited a temple today."

"That's surprising! Which temple? Are you by yourself?"

"Wat Pho and yes I am."

"What? Why did you go by yourself? I would have gone with you!" I could hear the tone in his voice. He sounded almost annoyed, which made me feel annoyed.

"I didn't know I was supposed to wait for you."

"Yeah, I know! But I would have liked to have gone with you and you didn't have to go by yourself." Jesus, are we really going to argue about this?

"Maybe I wanted to go by myself..." It was quiet on his end, which made me think that I probably shouldn't have said that. As I got closer to the bus stop, I saw my bus arriving.

"I gotta catch the bus so I'll talk to you later."

"... Okay, bye Tabi."

*Click*

I didn't know Beam could be so moody, but it's not my fault and I don't know why he's so upset. I felt like I had a pretty relaxing time and that phone call just took away all that energy from me.

Later on that night, I was lying in bed still waiting to hear from Beam. We hadn't spoken since this morning, which meant he was probably still upset from what I said. Again, I don't think I did anything wrong, but I still felt I should try and talk to him.

I grabbed my phone from the charger and opened up the message app. I stared blankly at my phone screen, not sure on what to text him. I don't know if I should apologize, except I don't really want to because maybe that might make him more annoyed. The longer I stared at my phone screen, the more I became frustrated. He's the one that hung up on me, so I shouldn't be the one to reach out to him first.

I closed out the app and put my phone back down on the charger. I don't have time to deal with this petty drama. If he wants to talk to me, then he can, but two can play that game.

• • •

My time here in Thailand started to feel like when I first moved out here. I worked, went home, and slept. Beam was still in Shanghai and would occasionally send me photos, but when I would respond to them he wouldn't say anything, just respond with more photos. I tried not to let it bug me and maybe both of us were just being stubborn. It was a battle of who was going to speak first.

Beam was supposed to be coming home soon, and so I texted him asking if he was still coming back on Wednesday. He didn't respond until an hour later and only responded with, "I'll be back on Friday." So I guess he's spending more time there... This was bothering me. I wanted to cave in and say that I was sorry, however the other part of me didn't want to fall for any tricks. I was tired of being dragged along. I know I'm probably letting my pride get in the way and sometimes I have to be the bigger person, except in this case, this wasn't my fault. I don't know what I should do. I've been picking up more shifts at work to distract me, but as soon as I get home my mind takes me to Beam.

I had to get up soon and get ready for work. I took someone's night shift and this will be my first time working one. I began getting dressed and fixing my hair up in a messy bun. Before leaving my bedroom, I took a look at myself in the mirror and gave a dramatic sigh, "Snap out of it Tabitha..."

I walked out into the kitchen and started grabbing some snacks, when Fah walked out of her room.

"Hey where are you going?" She knows that I never work night shifts, so she seemed a bit confused to see me getting ready to leave somewhere.

"I picked up a few shifts at work and one of them is a night shift... I don't want to go now."

"Oh that's where you're going!" Me and Fah have been better, though I can tell she still feels a bit awkward about what happened almost a week ago.

"Yep. Do you have plans tonight?"

"Of course!" She shot me a cheeky smile, "I'm going on a date"

"WHAT? With who?"

"You haven't met her yet, but her name is Gwen. She's American like you."

"Oh, nice nice. Well I hope you have a good time tonight."

"Thanks... Hey! When is Beam coming back?"

"Oh, umm not till Friday I guess." She must've noticed my expression changed because she gave me a worried look.

"We're fine Fah... Just umm... It's stupid, but we're fine though."

"Hmmm, okay Tabi. If you say so. I'm here if you need me." She came in for a hug and I gave her one back.

"Thanks Fah. I-uh, I'm going to go now, so I'll see you later."

"Bye! Have a good day at work!" I tried my best giving her a warm smile, but it probably looked more like an awkward one.

• • •

If I wasn't such a morning person, I would probably prefer the night shift because of how easy everything was. I realize now how hard I must work and how little the night shift people have to work. We basically are just on patrol, and making sure all the pets are sleeping and are being fed. The only thing that we pretty much have to do is just clean up and that's about it.

As it got closer to the end of my shift, I checked down to see what time it was: 10:52 p.m. Okay, so I'll be off in less than 10 minutes.

As I began walking back to the office to do one last patrol, one of the other girls I was working with came skipping over towards me. She had a big grin across her face, "Tabitha!"

"Uh, yeah?"

"You have a visitor!"

"What?" A visitor? Who else would be here?

"It's a guy here to see you. He says he's a friend, but I know there's something between you two!" She was practically bouncing up and down with how excited she was about this news of me having a visitor. The only person I can think of that knows where I work is Beam... A smile began to form.

"Oh! You look excited! Go ahead and see your 'friend'! I'll close up the rest!"

I tried to wipe the smile off my face, but I couldn't get rid of it.

"Are you sure? There's only a few minutes lef-"

"Go! I got it! Don't worry!"

Without running down the halls, I walked as fast as I could to grab the rest of my stuff and head outside to see Beam. I could feel myself getting butterflies and getting all giddy to see him. The argument we had seemed pointless now because all I wanted to do was give him a hug and tell him I missed him.

I waved goodbye to the girl, whose name I do not know, and made my way out the front door. I burst through the doors looking around for Beam, but I did not see him. I didn't see anyone. Just then, a voice spoke out from behind me, "Hi Tabitha..." That voice. I know that voice and it was not Beam. I didn't want to turn around because I knew who was there. I felt my palms getting sweaty and shaky. The butterflies were gone and it felt like there was a block in my stomach. That voice belonged to Hinata.