This is going to be so hard.

I stared down at my bed, examining the two sun dresses in front of me. "Hmmm, which dress do I think his mom would like better?"

I realize I'm probably overthinking this, and Beam keeps telling me not to worry, but this is going to be my first time meeting his parents. As a woman in my 30s, I know I shouldn't be anxious, but I haven't done something like this in a long time. The last time I met someone's parents was when I met James, and that was over 10 years ago.

Despite my nerves, I knew that I had to put on a good show for Beam's parents. I wanted them to like me and for them to see that I was a good fit for their son. I took a deep breath and made a decision, choosing one of the sun dresses and slipping it on. The dress I chose is a yellow ditsy floral with low shoulder puff sleeves. I checked myself in the mirror, smoothing down the fabric and making sure everything was in place. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door, determined to make a good impression and show Beam's parents that I was a somewhat strong and kind of capable woman who was worthy of their son's affection. 

As I stepped outside, Beam was already waiting for me. He was dressed casually in a light blue hoodie, gray plaid pants, and all-white Converse. His hair looked nice, with some of it covering his eyes and his forehead peeking through.

"Oh! How long have you been waiting for me?" I didn't even get a text or call that he was here.

"Not long, but I didn't want to rush you because I know you're nervous." 

I couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty that I had kept him waiting, but I appreciated his understanding and patience. I gave him a smile and a hug, grateful to have him by my side as we headed off to meet his parents. Regardless of my nerves, I was determined to be on my best behavior today. I knew that this was an important moment in our relationship and I wanted to make sure that everything went smoothly. 

As we drove to his parents' house, I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves, knowing that everything would be alright as long as I had Beam by my side. 

"I can hear your breathing," Beam spoke up. "Oh, sorry! Is it annoying?"

"Of course not! It's just making me anxious now too." Beam quickly glanced over at me, giving me a wide smirk.

"I know, I shouldn't be nervous, but I'm just not sure what to expect. I haven't done this in a while." I stared out the window of the car, watching the scenery pass by.

Beam reached over and placed his hand on my thigh. "Tabi, you worry too much. My parents don't know English that well, so there's not much for you to say that they'll actually understand. I'll translate everything, but I hope that makes you feel a little better."

"Wait, so your parents don't know English, but how does your sister know?"

"She studied abroad in America when she was in high school. I think she studied in Florida, but I could be wrong."

"I see," I said, still feeling a little nervous but grateful for Beam's reassurance. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll try not to worry too much and just focus on enjoying the visit."

Beam smiled and squeezed my thigh gently. "That's the spirit! And don't worry, my parents are really friendly and welcoming. You'll have a great time, I promise."

I nodded and took a deep breath, feeling a little more at ease. "Okay, I'll try to relax. Thanks for your support."

"No problem," Beam replied, giving me a reassuring pat on the shoulder before returning his hand to the steering wheel. "We'll be there probably in an hour."

As we drove the rest of the way to Beam's parents' house, I tried to push my nervousness aside and focus on the excitement of meeting his family and experiencing a new culture. This was something entirely new to me. Just trying to get used to the culture in Thailand had been a lot, but I felt as though meeting his parents would be an entirely new experience. When I met Beam's sister, Natcha, that had been unplanned and I really had no choice in the matter. I guess I could have stayed in the room until she left, but Beam wouldn't have allowed that. I couldn't help but worry: what if his parents don't like me? I could think of a lot of reasons why they wouldn't. I'm not Thai, I've already been married, and (hopefully they don't know this part) I almost got him killed.

Despite my worries, I tried to focus on the positive aspects of the situation. I had grown close to Beam and I trusted that he would do everything he could to make the visit go smoothly. I also reminded myself that I was an open and friendly person, and that I had nothing to hide. I had made mistakes in the past, but I had learned from them and was determined to be a better person. 

I gazed out the window and saw the quick reflection of myself in the window, I noticed the faint dark mark on my cheek. I thought I had covered the bruise enough, but hopefully his parents won’t notice it. I know Natcha noticed the bruise that first morning I met her a week ago and I wonder what her first thought was when she saw the marking. 

I must have fallen asleep because I suddenly noticed that the car was not moving as fast as it had been. A yawn came over me and I tried to hold it in, but it escaped anyway. Beam looked over at me mid-yawn and started laughing, “You look adorable when you yawn.”

“Don't look at me!”

“I'm sorry, but it was great timing,” Beam said, wearing his boxy smile.

“Anyways, are we almost there? I feel like it's been almost 2 hours.”

“Sorry Tabi, I know this was a drive, but yeah just another 5 minutes and we’ll be there.” 

“No, that’s okay. Which city is this again?” 

“Chachoengsao. My parents have always lived here since I was a kid, so the place brings back a lot of memories.” Beam seemed to be lost in thought. 

“Were they good memories?” 

“Oh, yeah they were. It just felt like a long time ago at this point.” 

Beam had told me a lot about his insecurities and how his family just put him up on a pedestal because of his successful modeling career, but I knew deep down it hurt him. He mentioned at one point that modeling wasn't his plan, but that he ended up sticking with it and it just happened to him. I could see the sadness in his eyes when he spoke about his true passions and dreams, and how he felt like he had to push them aside to meet the expectations of his family. Even with all of this, he still had a kind heart and a positive outlook on life. I admired his resilience and determination to be true to himself, despite the challenges he faced. I sometimes wish I could have the same mindset as Beam when it came to life. 

We began driving into a neighborhood along what appeared to be a marina. The houses in this area were spaced out and surrounded by foliage, and they seemed nicer compared to the ones closer to town. Beam turned on the blinker and started turning onto a dirt road. As we approached, I could see a beige two-story home with a red roof. As we got closer to the front of the house, I noticed a small pond with a lush green lawn. My stomach started to knot up, as this was the moment I would meet Beam's parents. 

As we pulled into the driveway, I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. I had heard so much about Beam's parents and was excited to finally meet them, but I was also a bit anxious about making a good impression. Beam turned off the car and we both got out, walking up to the front door together. As we rang the doorbell, I could hear footsteps approaching from inside the house. The door swung open, and there stood a small older woman, possibly in her 50s or 60s. She wore round, square glasses and had black shoulder-length hair with bangs that stopped right at her eyebrows. 

She raised her eyebrows and went in for a hug with Beam as they started speaking in Thai. I stood there awkwardly waiting to introduce myself. Beam turned around and introduced me to his mother, “Tabi, this is my mom Phan”. Phan gave me a warm smile and a hug. I returned the hug, trying not to be awkward about it. She then switched to speaking in broken English, telling me how happy she was to finally meet me. I could feel her genuine kindness, and I immediately felt at ease. She ushered us into the home and as we walked into the house, I took in my surroundings. The living room was cozy and welcoming, with comfortable couches and a sunny aspect to the room. There was a bookshelf filled with books and a coffee table with a vase of fresh flowers on it. I saw Beam's dad sitting in an armchair, staring down at his phone. 

Beam’s dad shot up from the chair and walked over to Beam with his arms reaching out for a hug. They exchanged hugs and were speaking with each other in Thai. I stood awkwardly to the side again, waiting to be introduced. After a few moments, Beam turned to me and introduced me to his father, “Nī̀ fæn k̄hxng p̄hm khrạb thā bit̂ ā.” His father shot a quick smile and placed his hands together, “Sawadee thā bit̂ ā.” I returned the hello while trying my best not to mess up the greeting, “Sawadee.”

Beam's mother then gestured for me to join them and we all sat down together. I was relieved to be included and grateful for the warm welcome. We spent the next hour talking and getting to know each other. It was clear that Beam and his mother had a close relationship and I was happy to be included in their conversation. 

Beam's mother asked Beam to ask me about my background and how I knew her son. I told her about how we saved me from a crazy drunk guy and how we just hit it off ever since then. She smiled and nodded, seeming happy that Beam had found a girl like me. This surprised me, as I was expecting his family to maybe be disapproving of Beam bringing home a girl, who wasn’t Thai, but that didn’t seem to faze them. 

We continued chatting and I asked Beam to ask her about her life in Thailand. She told me about growing up in a small village and how different life was back then compared to now. She talked about the close-knit community and how everyone knew and looked out for each other. She also told me about the traditional Thai festivals and holidays that they used to celebrate. It was fascinating to hear about her life and how different it was from my own. She also talked about her family and shared some pictures of Beam and Natcha when they were younger. 

“You look so cute Beam!” 

“Ugh, I don’t know why she had to bring these photos out?” 

Beam's mother chuckled and patted his head affectionately. "It's important to remember where we come from," she said. "And these memories are something to treasure."

I nodded in agreement, thinking about how much I enjoyed hearing about Beam's childhood and learning more about his family. It was clear that his mother was very proud of him and loved him deeply. Beam was definitely a mama's boy, but I appreciated seeing that side of him.

As we continued chatting, I felt more and more at ease with Beam's family. They were kind, welcoming, and genuinely interested in getting to know me.

The event went on, and I noticed that the day was turning into night. I didn't realize how much time had passed during my time at Beam's parents' house. I was helping Beam's mom clean up the dishes from dinner when Beam came over to me, "You got a minute?"

"Umm, I should help your mom finish cleaning up," I replied.

Beam's mom intervened in our conversation, "Go, go!"

"Are you sure, Phan?" I asked.

She jokingly nudged me towards Beam, "OK, OK. I am going now!"

Beam took my hand as we walked out towards the backyard of his parents' home. There was no fence surrounding their backyard, but this seemed to work for them since they didn't have many neighbors in the vicinity. I continued to hold onto Beam's hand as he walked further into the yard. "Where are we going?" I asked.

Without warning, Beam abruptly stopped in place, "Nowhere, to be honest." Still holding my hand, Beam turned around eagerly to face me, grabbing my free hand, "I just wanted to be alone with you." The only light that was on was the lights from the house, creating a perfect illumination on Beam's smirking face.

I returned the smirk, "Oh, I see. So, you were just being needy?"

"Yeah, a little bit," Beam replied, and we both laughed at how ridiculous we were both acting.

"Tabi?" Beam asked.

"Yes, Beam?"

"Did you have a good time today?" I couldn't tell if my palms were clammy or if it was Beam's, but I felt the sensation of butterflies forming in my stomach.

"I did have a good time... I'm glad we did this..."

"Are you still nervous?"

"Always, but not in a bad way." I chuckled to myself.

We both stood there, playing with each other's hands, as I had my head facing down at the ground, "Hey Beam?"

"Yes, Tabi?"

"Why didn't you ever bring up that incident after it happened?" I knew Beam knew what I was referring to since I could feel his hands tighten up.

"Umm, if I tell you, will you promise not to be upset?"

"Well, when you say it like that—,"

"Tabi, seriously though."

"OK, OK... I promise."

Beam took in a deep breath, "You actually told me about it."

I shot up from looking at the ground to stare at Beam with a confused look, "What?"

"Remember at the café we went to? The day after we met? I only told you how you brought up James the night before—,"

"Oh. My. God." I'm so ashamed. My drunk ass couldn't keep my mouth shut, "Beam, I am so sorry! I can't believe I told you everything like that... I-I I feel so stupid right now. I did-didn't mean to put so much stress—,"

"Stop, please Tabi. Don't say those kinds of things."

"I just can't believe I told you all this-a total stranger, obviously not anymore, but I mean—,"

"It's really okay, but you're breaking your promise right now..." Oh, shit. I told Beam I wouldn't get upset over this.

"I-I'm sorry..." I took a deep breath in through my nostrils and exhaled out my mouth, "... I know I said I wouldn't get upset. I'm sorry."

Beam put his arms around me, resting his chin on the top of my head, "Tabi?"

"Yes?" I muffled into his chest.

"Do you know why I want to be with you?" I shook my head 'no', while still tucked away in Beam's arms.

"Hmmm, where do I start? I think you're beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside too. When I first saw you stumble your way into the VIP section, I thought to myself, 'She looks like she doesn't want to be here.' As you walked closer to the bar, I found myself being mesmerized by you, but I was too shy to say anything until the creepy dude was hitting on you at the bar, and I could see the look of discomfort on your face. I knew that it was my only chance to finally say something to you, and I don't regret it. However, I am sorry that guy was being an ass... Anyway, after we got talking more that night, I wanted to know you even more. There was a part of me that just wanted to hug you and tell you that everything was going to be okay. Of course, I knew that would've been the wrong time. After I took you home, I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I needed to see you again... Then at the cafe, seeing you open up the way you did... I don't know. I think I just felt intensely infatuated with you. When we continued seeing each other, I just knew in my mind that I wanted to be at your side. I wasn't sure if you had felt the same way, and with everything you had gone through, I did not want to push it. I was willing to wait as long as I needed to. You're funny, smart, beautiful, and all the flaws that you hate on yourself... I love all of them because that's what makes you, you. That being said, I understand that your past experiences make it hard for you to trust and open up to people. But I want you to know that I am here for you, and I am willing to wait for you to be ready. I want to support you, and be there for you through it all. I hope you can see that and give us a chance."

I looked up at Beam, tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have someone like him in my life. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and whispered, "Thank you."

We stood there in silence, holding each other, knowing that we both wanted the same thing. 

As we released the hug, I felt that sense of guilt that I kept feeling was finally gone. I knew that moving forward, I could trust Beam and open up to him fully. I felt a surge of compassion and gratitude towards him, and I knew that he felt the same way.

We both smiled at each other, and Beam leaned down to kiss me. It was a gentle kiss, but it was filled with so much emotion. As our lips parted, I couldn't help but feel like this was just the beginning of a beautiful journey for the both of us.

The night was coming to an end, but the memories and emotions we shared in that backyard, under the light of the house and starry sky, will stay with us forever.