The room was void. Not white or black. It was colorless. I was there, with it.

It was an enigma, a paradox that defied understanding. Unfathomable and mysterious, its existence seemed impossible. Yet despite this, it had always been there. Its being was felt in everything, and at every single moment.

It was the source of me and the reality where my presence unfolded. Its power felt limitless and its form was unknowable, an illogical being, something that cannot be described nor understood. It was untouchable and incomprehensible.

I was with it, I existed with it. But I no longer do, I was cast away...

 

---

 

I slowly opened my eyes. The familiar creaking of the old wooden floors greeted me, along with the scurrying of rats in the corners and the pungent smells that lingered in the air. For a moment, I couldn't shake the feeling of unease and confusion that always seemed to accompany my awakening. It was like a thick fog that dulled my senses and clouded my thoughts, but gradually it began to dissipate. Is this what it feels like to be alive?

I trudged to the orphanage cafeteria, my stomach already growling as I neared. The room was dingy and filled with the hum of adolescent conversations and laughter. As I approached the food counter, a wave of putrid scents assaulted me.

I shuffled forward and grabbed my meager portion of food, which looked and smelled like it had been scraped off the bottom of a dumpster. I made my way to a table and slumped down, my hunger barely abated.

I am what is denominated as an adolescent, a fifteen-year-old girl with red eyes and long, flowing white hair. Except, my once pristine locks were now a tangled mess of dust and grime, giving it a greyish hue. My school uniform, once crisp and presentable, had seen better days. The black blouse had been sliced open in the back, and several dried bloodstains adorned the fabric like macabre decorations. The navy blue skirt was faded and threadbare, with holes in all the wrong places, making it look more like a rag than a proper article of clothing.

"Hey! The mute little shit over there. Give me your food" A familiar voice boomed through the small dining room.

Every day it was the same. I would try to shrink away, to make myself invisible, and yet it never worked. No matter how hard I tried, I always found myself in this same predicament.

I bowed my head as three boys approached me and silently gave my ration of soup. Conflict is something potentially dangerous, if something went wrong I could die. If I died, then what would happen to me? Where will I go? Will I disappear? This unidentified result is scary, dodging conflict is the best outcome. That's why I always give my ration of food without making a fuss.

Instead, I will chase any wild animal or steal fruit from a farm. This might sound superficially like a bad idea, after all, only nobles can hunt, and stealing is a criminal act. But having to confront those 3 guys is even worse. They are part of a gang and they rule the whole district. I saw them kill 2 individuals due to their unwillingness to cooperate.

Human desires are truly strange. They can guarantee their survival by just eating the portions they already have each day, however, they always want more. I can't understand why someone would want to make enemies just for the sake of having more resources, incomprehensible.

I had never wanted more than my survival and solitude. Growing up on the streets of a crowded city, I learned that fighting for little was my only chance at getting through each day. The higher I wanted to go, the more competition I'd have to face.

Stealing from farms and hunting was dangerous, but precisely because of that no other individual did the same. They all begged on the streets for money or went to The Abyss. Each way they ended up dead most of the time.

I left the orphanage and was greeted by the filthy streets full of garbage and excrement. My stomach growled hungrily, reminding me of my goal, to get food. I haven't eaten for 5 days, and I'm incredibly hungry. It was time to hunt. My objective was a certain meadow about 4 kilometers from here, if my calculations are not wrong. I would be able to hunt rabbits there and get the sustenance I needed.

I cautiously trudged up the long road with my self-made knife and tinder, taking many turns to avoid being followed, my heart pounding with the horrible feeling that is fear. If any of the guards caught me, they would surely behead me after torturing me. It was a crime punishable by death for someone like me to hunt on these lands reserved only for nobles, but I had no choice. Due to this, it takes more time than necessary.

I took my first steps up a hill to the meadow, one foot in front of the other. The climb was difficult, it felt like every time I looked up, I barely moved. The sun beat down on my back as I continued my journey, it made my skin burn.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I reached the top of the hill and stopped to catch my breath. It took me around 2 hours to arrive here.

As soon I am able to breathe, I turn around and I look down at my current residence. Agartha, the City of Adventurers laid out before me like an intricate model, with its sturdy buildings and soaring towers, and statues of every shape and size dotting the landscape. But most impressive of all is the massive dungeon at its center, an abyss so deep that it's said to reach into the furthest parts of hell itself.

It's hard to believe that this is where I grew up. Down in the lower districts, rats, mud, and trash were my usual companions, a world that was totally different from the one I'm seeing now.

I gaze at the city a little more and then I continue walking. I could see my objective. When I arrive at the meadow, I silently crouche low in the tall, lush grass, hardly daring to breathe. My fingers tighten around the handle of my small knife made of rock, its blade sharpened and ready for action.

I had smeared my body with plants that I stole to mask my smell, knowing that any rabbit that could pick up on my scent would never come near me. I had also made sure to keep perfectly still as I waited, not wanting to scare off potential prey by making any sudden movements.

Time passed slowly as I waited, my anticipation growing with each passing minute. I needed to come back before noon, if I didn't my situation might get worse. I was getting anxious.

And then finally, just when I thought it would never happen, I saw one, a lone rabbit, hopping through the grassy field. I held my breath, not daring to move a muscle. Carefully, I inched forward, closing the gap between us. With one swift motion, I lunged at the rabbit, catching it and stabbing my knife to his throat.

Luckily, I managed to catch it today, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't. This place is less controlled than usual at this time of the day on Monday. On any other day, I will have gotten caught instantly. Surviving for one week more without eating will be impossible, I got lucky today too.

Without losing more time in my thoughts. I started running towards a cave close to here with the rabbit in my right hand and my stone dagger and tinder in the other.

Each day was a fight for survival, and I couldn't help but wonder. Why did that entity cast me away? Where is it now? I'm scared of this world, these emotions take more of me each day.

The feeling of hunger, getting beaten for no particular reason, and the constant reminder that I'm inferior to other human beings. These things are penetrating me little by little and provoking an unknown sentiment to fill my heart, and this sentiment wants me to act and do something.

My thoughts stop when without realizing it, I reach the cave. My breath was lacking and my stomach grumbled in response to the sight. Quickly, with my remaining forces, I started gathering dry branches to make a fire, I used the tinder I had prepared, and before long a small blaze was in front of me. My arms hurt a lot, and I was incredibly tired, but I had to make it quick. I grabbed the rabbit I had caught earlier and set it on the fire, cooking it until its fur was blackened and charred.

I took the cooked meat off the flames, hastily tearing off chunks with my teeth as I ate it all while keeping an eye on my watch. If I didn't hurry, I'd be late for class at the orphanage and could get expelled, if that happened my chances of dying will increase. With that thought in mind, I quickly put out the fire, making sure there were no traces left, and ran back home, still savoring the taste of the rabbit on my tongue.

I would have liked to leave some for another day, but I don't have any place to store them. If I left it in the wild, an animal will go and get it or one of the guards will find it, and if came back with it, I would have gotten assaulted. I need to resolve this problem in the future.

-------

Two hours later, the class was about to begin. The sound of the church bell echoed throughout the city marking the start of noon. I went to my classroom and stood up next to my usual position. The teacher arrived after some moments, he wore a catholic robe, and in his hand was a Bible. He gave us all an intense gaze that seemed to observe every single one of us, then made a sign for us to begin.

We began to make the sign of the cross and the opening prayers. We continued with 'Hail Mary', 'The Apostle's Creed', 'The Eternal Father', 'On the Ten Small Beads of Each Decade', and concluded with 'Holy God'. After some additional closing prayers, he permitted us to sit.

I pulled out the math book from underneath my desk like everyone else. We went through the lesson, and I jotted down notes along the way, staying focused on the teacher’s instructions. An exam was looming on the horizon, and I knew I had to make sure I was prepared for it.

The clock kept ticking away as we toiled over arithmetic problems and geometric proofs.

I needed to stay focused. The first in the ranking will receive an allowance and the chance to study at a reputed school. If I could get it, my survival will be assured. Then I only will need to get enough money to be able to live in solitude without depending on anyone. Then, the emotion of fear will go and I could start focusing on eradicating the others that are controlling my being.

I was first on the ranking of the class by a big margin, so I had a pretty good spot. There was only one problem...

------

Narrow street far from any form of intelligent life. Blood on the ground. Was it mine? I can't tell, everything is trembling...I can't breathe... I'm on the ground.

"I didn't know that in addition to mute, you were also deaf bitch"

It hurts...everything hurts.

"Look at me motherfucker!"

Humans...so incomprehensible...their emotions control them like slaves... Aren't they scared...?

"I told you fucking clearly. Don't ever step in here!"

I had never wanted more than my survival and solitude. Conflict is dangerous...if something went wrong I could die...

"You whore! I let you off one time for pity. I could have killed you, yet, you still come back!"

I was with it, I existed with it. But I no longer do, I was cast away... Why did it cast me away? Where is it now? I'm scared of this world, these emotions take more of me each day...

"Look...if I don't get that scholarship, my family will kill me. I don't do this 'cause I want to, I do it cause I need to."

Their actions provoke an unknown sentiment to fill my heart, and this sentiment wants me to act...

"I need you to disappear, even if I tried to catch up on to you, the difference in points is just too big, so do me a favor and go away..."

He lowered his head and looked at his hands. A depressed expression on his face. I couldn't understand it, people are strange...

I slowly got up, trying to keep my balance.

"Tsk!"

He sees me, his expression instantly changes to a horrific one. People are scary.

"Your answer? This is your last chance. Will you leave?"

I nod

"Good"

Before he could leave, I hold his sleeve. My gaze met with his. He looked at me and somehow, sensed my intention. He left and then came back with a red potion and my self-made knife.

"This knife is all I could find in your bed. I'll give it to you, so don't go and die"

Emotions are intermittent and change very fast, I can't understand them.

"Goodbye. I'm sorry..."

I took half of the red potion. I felt my strength returning to me as the dizziness started to subside.

That boy, why did he accept my request? I want to understand his reason, it might augment my chances of surviving in the future. He mentioned his parents, he said that they were going to kill him, this was probably in a figurative way.

-For how long are you planning to stay here in this mortal realm? What are you waiting for?-

I took a step forward, and then another, my fingers tightly gripping the handle of the knife in my hand. I ran through the narrow street towards the boy with all my strength.

While I ran, I couldn't help but wonder If I too had parents, will I feel the same? Will I do the same thing for them?

-If you cling to your human life then you are holding on to the demiurgic part of yourself and you likely remain here forever-

As I ran towards him, his eyes widened in surprise. He wheeled around, instinctively knowing that danger was closing in on him. But before he could do anything, I lunged forward and drove my knife into his throat. 

Eyes widened, and mouth open wide. He stumbled backward, hands frantically gripping at his neck, trying to catch air. He kept struggling, even though it was obvious that the outcome would be his death. I stood there, motionless, watching as dark red blood slowly spread up from his body to my feet. It was done.

Soon, he collapsed onto the ground like a lifeless pile of meat.

-Go to the abyss. Complete your objective. At the bottom, all knowledge will be yours-

I took his black short pants and large shirt, they had blood stains on them. I dropped my old worn-out school outfit and changed into my new clothes. After searching in his clothes, I found some copper coins and a pocket knife. 

I left the naked body there and began walking toward a river close by where I cleaned myself and my clothes. Normally, I prefer to look dirty to avoid muggers, but since I'm going to have to go to center city now, it's better if I look like this.

-Go to the abyss. Complete your objective. At the bottom, all knowledge will be yours- 

The boy I just killed was part of a local gang. A lot of their members saw me go out of the church with him. I can't come back.

-Go to The Abyss. Complete your objective. At the bottom, all knowledge will be yours- 

There is only one path left for me if I don't want to die. 

The Abyss.