One after another, Maya set bags of snacks on the shelves. As mind-numbing as it was, it also happened to be her favorite task at work recently. Karen wasn’t around that day and she didn’t dare strike up a conversation with her other co-workers. Without anyone to talk to, a long, boring task like restocking was perfect. Mopping always made weird squelching sounds that grossed her out, and it was so late at night that the cash register would only see a customer every hour or so. She was content to just line shelves until her shift ended. Every few minutes she would switch to a new item, keeping it from being too monotonous. Though she wondered how insane she had become to see such depth in a menial task.

For the time being, there were various flavors of potato chips. She focused on her music as she worked, ignoring that she was actually getting hungry. Relaxing, gentle tunes let her pretend the snacks were just blank bags, not food.

My coworkers must know by now.

There was a downside though. The lack of lyrics let any random thought take hold of her mind if she wasn’t careful.

It’s been months, they must have at least heard a rumor.

If she could just clear her head and think of her work. Potato chips, right. Cheddar, sour cream and onion, salt and vinegar…

They’ve been treating me differently, even though nobody has said anything. Weird looks when I go into the restroom, hushed conversations that end as soon as I enter a room. Are they planning to get me fired?

Maya set down the bag she was holding and reached for her phone. She needed a change of music as soon as possible.

Karen has seemed off too. She must know and not want to talk to me anymore. God why did I ever join that stupid club, it’s done nothing but make things worse.

She clicked on a different playlist. Suddenly her relaxing lo-fi medley was replaced with heavy bass and fast-paced lyrics. It would slow down her shelving but it meant her mind would be safe. As words blasted her ears she tried to get into sync with the song and hum along when she realized her mistake.

Wait. Is this the song that was playing when– Oh, come on.

Two months ago, at the activities fair. Maya was a wreck the morning of, almost deciding to give up and decay away in her bed. But she couldn’t. She had dumped Ben just days before. Bailing on the fair would make their friendship ruined for good.

After a long struggle to get out of bed, she trudged to her small kitchenette in her pajamas. Just an oversized baby blue t-shirt and a pair of gray boyshorts. She always told herself that next time she went shopping she would get something new, something cuter and more feminine, but she never did.

At the countertop she clicked on her electric kettle and grabbed a box of tea from the cabinet; in the mornings she preferred green. While she waited, she put together a small bowl of yogurt and mixed berries. She needed something quick and light. 

Still not fully awake, she poked at her breakfast and let her mind wander. It was still impossible for her to remember what she did to Ben without feeling like she was being punched in the stomach. Her own hang-ups and insecurities ruined her first college relationship. Not only that, they hung over her like a black cloud and continued to do damage. If she couldn’t contain her darker feelings soon…

The kettle beeped and cut through her thoughts.

She realized  the time. There was only an hour to get on campus and help Ben set up. Thankfully she had showered the night before to speed things up. After wolfing down her food, she threw on the outfit she prepared and got to work on some quick makeup.

As she hurried, she pondered changing her clothes. She loved it but she wasn’t too keen on the idea of making herself cute for Ben.

It wasn’t anything too flashy. A yellow sweater with a soft material Maya loved to wear, with a white collared shirt underneath. She figured that combination would make her look a little more professional than her usual clothes, which couldn’t hurt. Some black dress pants were all she needed to cap off her attempt at a mature vibe. While her eyes did wander to a white hair ribbon she had on her vanity, she decided it would ruin what she was going for.

The bus ride to the festival was the worst Maya had ever endured. To start, it was three minutes late to arrive at the stop. Once she was on, there wasn’t a single seat open. Not a huge deal, she could stand. A few deep breaths and her worries shrank. But then, the bus decided to stop at every single red light in town. By the fourth one Maya considered jumping out the window and just running there. She was running late by five minutes at least. No, make that six.

Doing her best to ignore how embarrassing it would be to arrive late, she tried to focus on the random chatter on the bus. In front of her, a girl her age was on the phone. Sounded like she was talking to a parent, most likely her mother. She looked a little annoyed, even. Probably receiving a lecture on something. To her right, an older man with his head leaned into the window, gently snoring. Maya could see the glass get slightly foggy whenever he would breathe out, only for it to return to normal as he inhaled. Behind her… Was that laughter?

She could make out a group of guys her age speaking in lowered tones from the back of the bus. They had been there when she first got on. Were they on their way to the fair too?

But the laughter… Was it about her? One of them could have clocked her as trans and now they were using her as the butt of a joke. Or there might be something stuck to her back. What if they just thought she was plain ugly? Was she dressing out of her league?

She knew turning around would make it all worse. They could all be staring at her, and if she made eye contact they might laugh again. There was no way off of the bus; she would have to wait it out. It couldn’t be that much longer.

As soon as the bus reached familiar campus grounds she began to recognize her surroundings better. She struggled to see out the window while standing. It made her feel more in control about the pace of the bus. It let her ignore the guys in the back. Relief welled up inside her as the bus passed the building her math classes were in. That meant her stop was next. Someone else had already pulled the cord to signal a drop-off, and soon enough she found herself sprinting off of the anxiety trap that was her college town’s public transportation.

Maya’s first breath after the bus pulled away fully refreshed her. The group of boys did get off at the same time, which worried her. She pretended to rifle through her bag until they passed her. She felt a tad guilty, as it did mean an extra minute of delay before reaching Ben. Still, she was already late so it wouldn’t mean much in the long run.

After turning the first street corner she could finally see the entrance to the fair. It looked… calm? Not empty, of course. There were lots of people walking around it and carrying various tables and poles. No, it looked like they were still setting up.

She rushed through the entrance and dipped under a tent that was only half set up to try and find Ben. They were told where the LGBT Club would be at the last meeting. Somewhere near the food stands on the other side of the field.

Hopefully wandering in that general direction will be enough… Or the smell of the food booths will guide me.

Sure enough, she caught a whiff of something being deep fried and headed toward it. Of course she would battle with herself to actually eat any of it, seeing as she had been trying to make her meals healthy recently. But smelling delicious, greasy food never hurt a waistline.

The anxiousness of the bus ride was finally starting to fade as she made her way closer to the other end of the fair. She passed many people who looked busy setting up stalls and booths. Her hypervigilance kicked in and noticed every single glance at her direction. Guys would give her a quick scan over and usually stare a little longer at her chest before trying to pretend as if they didn’t just check her out. Women would give a similar scan, though they just smile and never tried to hide anything.

It had been like that since transitioning. Truth be told, she still wasn’t sure which she preferred. When most men looked at her, it made her uneasy. Like they might want to hurt her. Though she had grown up as a boy and felt offended whenever a woman thought that of her, she knew now it was hard to ignore. But with the women looking at her, it was scary in its own way. They were ten times more likely to clock her. Men were unlikely to hurt her with other people around, but if a woman screamed and outed her as trans, things could change. She hated how often fear controlled her actions. Most of the people she passed were nice and would never do something cruel to her, right?

Of course not! If there was even a chance of that, she would have to be an idiot to go and reveal herself as trans… to anyone passing by at the fair… that very same day.

“Maya! Over here!” Ben’s voice rushed in from her right. She looked over and saw him for the first time since they had broken up.

He seemed happy? Maya wasn’t complaining. The week leading up she had dreaded how upset he might be. She felt relieved that none of that seemed to be coming true. Their texts had all been very formal over the past week, entirely focused on plans for the fair and how to present their project. Nothing at all about their relationship. It almost worried her how normal he seemed, like he was bottling everything in. Or worse, did he not understand they were really done dating? She thought she had been clear with her intentions. Whatever the case, keeping the peace was her best option, so she smiled and walked toward him.

“Hey!” Maya attempted to greet him with as much enthusiasm she could muster. Which was surprisingly more than expected. As she grew closer, she noticed the entire LGBT Club setup was being built up around them still. A few familiar faces, though nobody she knew by name, were putting up pride streamers and signs. Only half finished, she could make out a table at the front with some pamphlets on it and a few other art projects nearby. Her and Ben’s piece sat among them.

“Did I get the times wrong? Why is everything being set up still?” Maya asked once she was finally next to Ben.

“Oh, it turns out the time they gave us was when the setup started, not when the actual fair started. We still have around half an hour before we need to be finished.” Ben explained as he meticulously looked over their piece.

Maya nodded and joined him. She worried at how nonchalant he seemed. His speech flowed well, his posture was perfect, no hints of blushing on his face. It scared her.

Was I never that important to him? Why are we even here? It should be so awkward for us to even be talking, let alone working together.

Her thoughts began to fade as she stared at the finished work they were displaying. The past few weeks were spent designing it, making it, polishing it. Not to mention lugging it around from her place to Ben’s. This was the first time she felt she could actually get a good look at it. The first time she could see it for what it was, and not as just an assignment.

A large, albeit fake, rock platform. Meant to be a cave, though she wondered if anyone would see it that way with only the bottom. In the cave were a man and a woman staring at each other. Between them, a large pane of glass that spanned the entire width of the floor. The two figures looked distressed as they gazed at the other. The woman clenching the hair on her head,  the man clenching his chest. But the part Maya was the most proud of was, if viewed from either side, it looked very different. From the woman’s side, the glass became a mirror for only her face. So to her, it looked like her face on the man’s body. The same was true on the other side, with the man seeing his face on her body.

She knew not everyone would care. It looked relatively simple at first glance. A big slab, two figures, and glass? Some people might deduce it was put together in a single afternoon with zero planning or vision. But most of their time was spent detailing the figures. Ben insisted on it himself. He made each one look as stressed and miserable as he felt. At least, that was how he phrased it. Meanwhile, Maya had been focused on making the glass act as a mirror in only specific places.

“I told you your idea was good,” Ben said.

Maya blushed. It was true that the original concept had been hers, but without Ben it wouldn’t have seen the life it had in it. He was what she needed to refine it and make it as piercing as it was.

“Thanks…” She muttered. It was unclear to her how she should be talking with him. Going back to their old flirty banter would be bad, right? It would send a mixed message after she had just broken up with him. Yet, she wasn’t sure she knew another way to communicate with him. Talking to him like any other stranger felt wrong. Unnatural, even.

“Wanna get food or drinks before this thing starts? Not sure how busy it will get, and the food stands all opened early.” Ben didn’t wait for her response before grabbing his jacket and walking away.

Her concerns slowly faded and were replaced with relief. He was genuinely asking out of convenience, not trying to make some sort of date happen. Satisfied with how things were going so far, she decided to follow him toward the nearby food stalls.

Ben stood perfectly in the middle of the small section of the field, surrounded by different tents and booths offering food. Maya caught up and stood at his side, taking in all of her options. Nearly everything was some type of fried meat or dough. Nothing green was in sight, unless it was a snow cone or slushie dyed to look that way. Can’t hurt to have a little, right? Though when faced with the reality of it all, her stomach started to tighten with fear.

A year ago she would have had no problem eating anything in the whole fair. Fried cheese on a stick, sweet dough covered in chocolate covered in sugar, a hot dog with condiments heaped on top. As she wandered by each stall, she yearned to return to her old self who could indulge like that. Thankfully, the stereotype of college towns and health kicks came true. After walking past six booths, she found a small student-ran food stand. She figured all the big ones with fried options were some outside vendors brought in to help with demand. But at last she was face to face with some health food, vegan, anti-establishment club’s stand. She had no clue what it was about honestly, not that she really cared.

The person running the stall looked excited to have a customer. He was a tall, lanky guy brandishing a baseball cap with his club’s logo on it. Something to do with socialism, not that she was paying attention.

“Having fun so far?” He asked.

Maya slowly nodded as she skimmed the menu.

“Everything here uses natural ingredients,” he said and pointed to a sign behind him that promised the same thing. “And if you want vegan options just pick anything with a green dot next to it!”

“I’m kinda just looking for anything low in calories,” Maya said. “Sorry.”

“Ah,” he replied. “Fair enough.” He looked a little defeated that he couldn’t geek out over his stand.

She felt that she made a mistake or was rude and blurted out the first item she saw.

“One banana smoothie, please!”

The man gave a weak thumbs up and stepped away from the counter while Maya rummaged through her purse for the right amount of money. It was a little more expensive than she might have hoped for. The cost of supporting a school club, she supposed. After claiming her smoothie, she met back up with Ben in front of a stand selling corn dogs. It seemed he had a longer wait, as he just started smothering it in ketchup when she approached him.

"That's all you wanted?" Maya asked, then took a long sip of her smoothie.

"Nope." Ben picked up a soda cup next to him. "I got this too."

“Oh nice,” Maya exaggerated. “You got some corn syrup to help you wash down your mystery meat!” 

Maya couldn't tell what was in the cup, just that it wasn't likely to be water. Still, she had no business judging him for his diet when she had just started her own recently. Especially when it clearly made him happy to eat food like that.

“At least it will taste better than, what is that, a kale smoothie?” Ben pointed at her cup with a look of disgust.

She couldn’t deny that her drink tasted greener than she was expecting. It was still good, though!

“Healthy food can taste good too!” She said. “If you didn’t saturate your tongue in sugar every day you might be able to realize that.”

“Aw, are you saying I have a sweet tongue?” Ben replied with a large grin.

Maya froze. She let herself get flirty without even realizing.

This dynamic is dangerous. Even talking shit to each other feels like we’re growing closer.

“So are you ready to be done with this?” Ben asked her. “I mean this has been a lot of work for what was supposed to be a social club. I’ll be happy when it’s not in the back of my mind.”

“Ah, yeah. It will be nice to stop worrying about it,” Maya said.

She tried to hide how nervous she really was. In truth, she had been dreading this part of the project. Her and Ben would have to stand near it and answer any questions that people had about their piece for a whole hour before being allowed to go off and see the rest of the fair. Luckily she had scoped out her co-workers ahead of time and none of them seemed to be interested in the fair. Besides Karen, who she had already talked out of it. The only real worry would be classmates seeing her. That was always a possibility that she couldn’t avoid. Her only hope was how early in the fair’s life the presentation would be, that most people wouldn’t be around for it. And nobody would ever bother looking at the nameplate near their project, so that wasn’t a huge issue.

It’s not as if she were completely in denial. She knew that by the end of the day, some people would know without a doubt she was trans. That fact wasn’t her favorite, but she had come to terms with it a while ago. She thought it would be fine as long as Ben was by her side. But he wasn’t anymore. And it was her fault.

Her stupid issues in her insane head about her stupid body had ruined everything. How was she going to deal with the presentation now? Why couldn’t she be normal and not destroy everything that helped her, everything that made her happy?

“Are you alright?” Ben’s question startled her.

He looked at her with genuine concern on his face. Maya looked down at her trembling hands clutching her smoothie. Her vision was getting slightly blurry, with a few tears building up.

Great. I couldn’t keep it in well enough and now he’s going to get involved again.

“Yeah! Yeah, I’m just… allergies. The wind is pretty cold today.” Maya struggled to find a good excuse.

“Seriously, what’s wrong? If you don’t want to present then you don’t have to.” Ben set his drink down and stepped closer. He placed a hand on her shoulder.

Why is he touching me? Why is he making me feel better? He should hate me at this point.

Maya thought of anything she could say to get him uninterested but came up empty. “What if people I know see me.” She eventually said. “What if everyone starts to hate me because they learn the truth about me? I’ll become a gross freak in their eyes. What will I do?”

Ben pondered for a moment while Maya sniffled and did everything to keep her tears in. “If you see anyone you know approaching then you can step back and I’ll take over for a bit until they leave, okay?” He looked her in the eyes as he spoke. She found it impossible to look away. “And no matter what, nobody will hate you, okay? It’s just not possible.” He smiled took a sip from his drink, leaving Maya more confused than before.

She nodded and hurried away.

Great. He thinks we’re just in a rough patch and will get back together. He doesn’t think I’m as screwed up as I really am. He thinks he can fix me.

Maya walked to a small gap between booths and let her tears come out quietly.

I wish he stopped making me believe him.

 

The song playing over the fair’s cheap speakers while Maya sobbed that day was the same one she was listening to right then at work. Just a dumb, high energy song about love that she immediately removed from her playlist.

Her effort was too late, her mind already latching onto Ben and everything that happened at the fair afterward.

Maybe I should reach out to him. I’d like to have a friend like him in my life again, maybe enough time has passed.

Maya stared at her phone, her finger hovering over Ben’s name in her contacts list. It would be so easy. But would he want to hear from her after such a long silence? His name sat on her screen, less than an inch away from being pressed, yet it was proving to be an impossible task.

“Excuse me? Miss?”

Maya gasped and turned toward the voice that appeared behind her. It was a customer. Some random student in his pajamas who was likely there for a midnight snack, either for studying or to go with his high.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. But do you guys have bigger bags of these pretzels?” He held up a tiny little pouch of an off-brand snack.

“Oh, yeah they’re over on the shelves by the registers.” Maya said, having regained her composure.

“Right, thanks,” and he stalked away.

Maya looked back at her phone, which had now fallen asleep. She resumed her music and got back to stocking the shelves. Ben would be better off without her bothering him anyway.