I celebrated my victory but also cursed my failure. My plan to distract the adventurers with kittens was working—but I had miscalculated.

I had only three kittens. And there were four adventurers.

Of course, that would lead to disaster!

I should have just summoned one less bone kitty, then this would be fine…

“U-um, just wait a minute, would you?” I said to the kittenless man, sympathizing with his plight. “I’ll get you tea first, so why don’t you enjoy it, then do the inspection after?”

The man gave a longing sight to the kitties, then sighed. “Fine. Is there a menu?”

“No. You will get the one tea we have.”

With those words, I hopped away, going for my tea set. I took the Kettle, subtly used [Create Water] and just a hint of mana to get it filled, then threw in some of the tea leaves that came with the set.

Then I paused.

How am I supposed to heat this thing up? How did that telepathy thing work again?

(Hey, Fluffles! Do you know how to heat up water?)

(Oh, you’ve changed your telepathy encoding to a new format, I see.)

(The last one was too confusing, could have mixed it up with my speech. But… the water?)

(We’re getting some decent mana with those folk so near, so I can spare a bit. I don’t think you have the exact spell, but I don’t really need those. Just use [Shape Earth] to make a hole in the ground, put the kettle inside, then I’ll heat it up.)

I walked a bit further from the adventurers and did so. [Shape Earth] was pretty intuitive to use, especially with my Minecraft experience, so it didn’t take me long to carve out a quick nook and place the kettle inside.

(Alright Fluffles, it’s inside now. Do the thing.)

A hum of mana sounded out, and the kettle inside the hole started… spinning?

I stared at it. This hum and sense of tinging mana…

(Is this a microwave? Should I take a step back?)

(A micro-what? It is what it is. Probably fine.)

I still took a step back and crouched low. I’m a damned catgirl now. Don’t go giving me radiation mutations or anything. I am at the perfect spot of furriness—if I mutate one bit more… it will be too late.

(How much time do you still need, Fluffles? Are you finished?)

(Just buy me ten more minutes! I’m laying the finishing touches to really perfect this first floor.)

The mana in the hole blinked out with a ding, and I rose up to look at the kettle. No longer rotating in there. I gently reached out for it, then shrunk back as it burned my paws.

Damn, forgot to put on my gloves.

I reached into my pockets, taking out a pair of black leather gloves. I put them on, took out the kettle, and started back towards the adventurers.

Three were still frozen like statues, grim faces stone serious as they gently patted the kittens. Good work my soldiers. Smarter than they looked.

The three kittens turned about for a moment and gave me brief winks.

I nodded thanks. Then started pouring tea into the four cups laid out by the seats.

No table yet, sadly. Couldn’t exactly conjure one up right now either…

I handed the last cup to the kittenless adventurer’s hand, and he nodded gratefully. “Thank you—miss… I don’t believe I’ve got your name?”

“I’m Kati. It’s pronounced Ka-ti. Like Kati.”

He nodded, “Makes sense. I’m Tim. Pronounced Tim.” He pointed at the others. “Those are Kivi, Halfgrip, and Halfrac.”

“Experienced adventurers, are you?”

He gave a tight smile. “You could say that.”

I turned to examine the others and realized a problem. They were frozen in place, petting the kittens extremely carefully, moving their mountainous hulking bodies with the gentleness of spring rain. Not able to pick up their cups at all.

I clapped my hands. “Kittens! Away from the lot for just a second!”

Three grimaces deepened as the kittens hopped off, racing for Tim’s lap. He smiled wide, cupping them all in his hands, laughing madly. “Finally—Finally I can touch these—”

Three murderous glares lasered in on him, so I moved fast, lifting a cup into each boulder of a fist. Then I clapped again. Three kittens ran back. Three grimaces returned to normal-intensity grimaces. Even Tim grimaced, finally matching his team.

But the men were still…

I sighed, feeling a headache. “Guys, If you don’t drink your tea, you will be holding boiling-hot liquid near vulnerable kittens. We don’t want that, right? Drink them up.”

Instantly, three cups raced to mouths, and each man drank the tea down with a single gulp. Even Tim matched them, pouting.

I gulped. This was a miscalculation.

(Fluffles, are you ready yet?)

(Just… A… moment… I’m… perfecting… these… tunnels)

Tim rose up, placing his cup down. He glared at his team. “Men, you have finished your tea. It is time we investigate this dungeon.”

Three clever kittens mewed desperately, trying to keep the men at bay. But they were adventurers. They knew their grim duty.

Halfgrip nodded. “Can we have 10 more minutes?”

A vein bulged on a gentle man’s head. “No! We are doing this now!”

 

—

 

I sweated as I watched the party from behind. Fluffles had said he was done—but even so… The men were just so intense. Would this really be alright?

Tim was peering into the entrance, grimacing. “I can see little side tunnels and passages, too small for people, all over. This place is a honeycomb. Who knows what traps are in there?” He snapped his fingers and pointed forward. “Kivi, do the thing.”

The [Geomancer] walked forward, a glow of magic on him, and then touched the cavern’s wall. I felt a dark foreboding. Then heard a panicked scream as the green glow intensified.

(No! He’s using earth magic! That’s cheating! He’s closing all the tunnels I made off! I worked so hard for these! No—he’s crushing all the—)

[7 Bone Cats have been defeated!]

I closed my eyes and took a long breath, seeing the notification. Had he put all the bone cats inside the…

I slapped my cheeks, focusing. It didn’t matter. The party was now walking inside, Tim leading them on.

“You killed seven monsters?”

Kivi held up seven fingers. Tim nodded. “Alright, move forward carefully men. Let’s find this [Dungeon Core].”

I gulped, and made sure I was still holding my briefcase. What are they going to do?

(Fluffles, they’re coming!)

The only telepathy I received back was an endless tirade of cursing.

The men walked forward, and I trailed them, seeing in the dark with my cat eyes. And the lantern they were carrying. Would had had to take off my sunglasses if they didn’t have that.

The place was back to being just a single corridor, all of the [Cat Core's] hard work erased by a single spell. Is there insurance for this?

I stepped on some bone dust, then carefully moved on, not thinking about where that had come from.

Meanwhile, the adventures just kept on moving forward in the featureless tunnel, peering around in a guarded formation. “I’m not detecting any more monsters…” Tim said, looking around. “And the core is…”

They rounded a corner. “—Right there.”

My heart jumped, and I also jumped forward, catching up with them. I rounded the corner, grip tight on my briefcase, and froze at the sight.

It was the end of a boxy corridor, and at the end… was a ball. A rock. A rock that had been painted with gold. An obvious fake.

Tim took out a wand, pointed it at the fake core, and a screen full of numbers appeared. He nodded. “Hmm, seems to be fine. A very weak one. Only seven monsters, all hiding in small side passages? Rank F is fitting.”

I stood frozen, staring at the wand. “W-what is that wand?” I asked, finally relaxing my grip on the briefcase.

Tim held it out, quirking an eyebrow. “You don’t know, despite working so close? This is a standard issue adventurer’s guild dungeon measurer. These are used to verify dungeons.”

I turned, staring at the shoddily painted rock. “Do they all look like that?”

“Most.”

Curse this stupid world.

[Fuck you too!]

Really system, are we really doing this? I shook my fist at the sky for a moment, then started stumbling out. The beginning of a headache was coming to me.

As I walked out, counting all the shattered passages I saw at the sides of the cavern. A lot of them. All crushed together by a single [Geomancer].

(Fluffles, is that how you normally handle adventurers?)

(Hm? Of course, what else would I do?)

(Where is the real core?)

(Tucked inside the tree at the top of the hill.)

(And they can’t detect it with that wand of theirs?)

(Of course not.)

The headache was getting worse. The adventurers walked out, and Tim came forward and extended his hand for a shake. I reluctantly held out my paw.

“Thank you for your hospitality Kati, we might come by again. Though I doubt it with an F-rank dungeon like this.”

I sighed, drooping down. “Is that all from you then?”

He nodded, “Yep, that’s all from us for now. The adventurer’s guild representative should be over soon for a word.”

The what now?

“I am already here.”

I spun around, tail twirling, and saw the new person. How did our dungeon senses not see him?

He was a human, dressed in a dark trench coat, with a black fedora on his head. And a cigarette in his mouth. He spat it onto the ground, then stomped on it with his sleek boots. He spoke again, voice husky.

“Adventurer lot, you can beat it. I need a word with the miss here. Private.”

Tim nodded, and started herding his party away. A few of them gave furtive glances back at the kittens, disguising them as vengeful glares.

We waited for them to get past the trees, and then the man put a hand in his pocket, took out a new cigarette, and started smoking it. He didn’t speak, just stared at me.

[Dungeon Breach Concluded!]

[Dungeon breach Concluded! Enemies defeated: 0! Average enemy level: 12!]

[5 mana harvested! 2 dungeon points awarded!]

When the notifications came, the man finally spoke, voice husky. “Alright newbie—boss wants a word with you.” He spun around, catching a cat’s tail out of nothing, and Fluffles materialized in his hand. “Cat too.”

Wait wha—

A glow enveloped all of us.

“[Greater Homeward Teleport: Destination, Guildmaster’s office.]”

The light expanded, then blinked out. And then we were out of the dungeon.

And inside an office.

The man wasn’t there, but a table made from rich wood stood at the end of the gloomy room, and a—I blinked—very well-endowed woman sat behind the desk, a pair of glasses on her face, her hair tucked behind in a neat bun.

And I sensed something about her. A feeling I had felt before.

Oh fuck—she’s a [Dungeon Core].

It’s all an inside job.

Then I took a longer look at her, and saw that perfect face, impish smile, and stylish black dress. And took another looka at the… assets below. She stared at the cat, who was now in my arms, shivering. Her smile widened, with something... demonic about it.

“You have been a very naughty cat, Fluffles.”

I felt myself drawn deeper into her eyes, like there was a spinning abyss there, sucking me in. No magic, just...

Oh fuck—she’s hot.

 

Dungeon Stats