CHAPTER 24 - THE CIRCUS IN PRISON

In the market square, the platform was ready and six gallows with six thick ropes were hanging with nooses swinging back and forth in the dry, whistling wind. The mob increased, and as time passed, was becoming increasingly excited in front of the platform while sitting on mats on the ground. The Hollywood actors gathered in Dragon’s suite and spoke around a large cardboard diagram of the prison with its corridors, chambers and the captives’ cell, another with a drawing of the market square and the execution platform. Dragon turned on the super portable computer which showed three dimensional diagrams of the prison and the execution area.

 Tigris couldn't control his vocal cords, explained with excitement and emphasis, and pointed at the cardboard:

“We dress up as prisoners, sneak into prison and enter the hall,”

The supercomputer answered in a ridiculous, monotonic, metallic voice:

“No, no, idiots. Continue searching in the direction of stealing trucks.”

Lion burst out:

“Shut up Rambo, you are a prattler idiot, we cannot sneak in, they will not let us enter, but if we steal a truck from the prison, I will tell them that we are escaped prisoners coming back, ah? What do you think of my idea? Asta la vista, Aswad.”

The computer responded, “No, no, no, it’s not a good idea. Continue searching, you idiots. Think about sheep, as if there are some in prison.”

Chicken scratched his bald spot and chuckled:

“Come on, stupid Terminator. Since when do you see prisoners escape and then return freely? I will tell you what we should do. We will take some sheep to the prison and say they just escaped, and they let us in, then we release the captives.”

The computer continued thinking.

“No, no, it’s not good, it’s inappropriate, your geeks. Try to think from another angle such as the fence and extermination.”

 Piggy burst out laughing:

“Dirty and dumb Harry, why should they care about your sheep, they will skewer their meat and throw the bones at you. Listen to me, we can jump over the fence and eliminate the prison guards.”

The computer giggled with disrespect.

 “No, no, it’s inappropriate, you putz. Think in a different direction, think about the mob.”

 Doggy laughed stupidly.

“Hi Piggy, tell me? Are you still stoned from the hookah? How can you jump over a five-meter fence? Do you think you are in one of your own movies? Do you intend to eliminate guards who have automatic weapons? They will make Swiss cheese out of you. You are stoned! I know what to do; we will notify the mob that the execution was canceled and send them to take a revenge on the prison guards.”

The computer reacted with disrespect:

“No, no, no, it’s not a good idea, no dead people, you putz! It is irrational, it is unacceptable, obnoxious. Think about disguises.”

 Birdy jumped up:

“What do you say Mel? It seems like dumbness came from Lethal Weapon 10. As soon as you notify the mob, they will hang us along with the captives. I already found a solution. Cobrand I will wear costumes of truck drivers and will steal a truck, two of you will wear costumes of prisoners, the other two will wear costumes of prison guards, and the rest will wear costumes of the mob. The two of us will tell the prison guards that we captured the escaped prisoners and when they come to take the prisoners, we will knock them out, go inside and release the captives.”

The computer sighed with despair.

“No, no, it’s not a good idea, no dead people, you putz. It is irrational, it is unacceptable, obnoxious. Assholes, try thinking of a general offense.” They all seriously pondered the suggestion and it seemed like they liked it.

Suddenly Cow burst out:

“Jodie, my dear, after the Silence of the Lambs it’s better you make Silence of the Words. It is a great plan, but dumb. In addition, if no prisoner escaped, the prison guards will immediately suspect us. We need to attack forcefully, from all places and on all fronts; this will be the mother of all attacks, the perfect Hollywood attack.”

The computer sobbed.

“No, no, it’s no good, no dead people, you putz, it’s irrational, and it’s unacceptable, obnoxious. You assholes. It is not natural, it is trash. Go for fire.”

The monkey burst out laughing.

“What nonsense Rat, you better start acting in Die Easy 1, it seems like you want to die in prison and take us with you. You piece of a Shahid idiot. Listen to me, we will burn the prison and we release them that way.”

The computer sobbed in a loud voice.

 “No, no, it is no good, no dead people, you putz. It is irrational, it is unacceptable, obnoxious. You, assholes. It is not natural, it is trash. I want no part of it, you fool. What about whores and son of whores?”

Cobra burst with in harsh language:

 “Hey Indy, maybe you will make new movie called Indiana Jones and the Mind Burglars. Whom can you rescue after burning the prison down? The mice in prison? Let me die with the prisoners? Let’s all wear costumes of hookers and fuck the prisoners and prison guards until they fall asleep and then release the captives, mother fuckers.”

The computer gave up on them.

“No, no, it’s no good, no dead people, you putz. It is irrational, it is unacceptable, obnoxious. You, assholes. It is not natural, it is trash. I want no part of it, you fool. Not a chance. Nada. What about a helicopter? Use your brains a little bit,”

 They all screamed at her:

“What nonsense, how stupid, go and make a movie called Alien and the Dumb Whores.”

Suddenly Claude Peacock asked for quiet.

“I think I have the solution. From all I have heard, my plan is by far the best. Before the circus show, when Aswad does not suspect anything, we take the helicopter that leaves us in prison. We take off and escape in the helicopter with the captives towards the Selected Democratic Organization and the trip ends quickly.”

Everyone applauded. The actors accepted the idea, but the computer seemed to be in mourning.

“No, no, it’s no good, no dead people, you putz. It is irrational, it is unacceptable, obnoxious. You, assholes. It is not natural, it is trash. Awful idea, you jerk. I'll have nothing to do with it. It seems like you have the brains of infants. I thought that you human beings were my friends, but you only wanted to use me.” It sobbed. “It’s a pity that I’m the only one with a heart and soul. You do not understand anything, you are not capable of anything, I am fed up with you, all of you, and of the world. I didn’t know that I was so smart and you from Hollywood are so stupid. I saw your dumbness. The computer and I will self-destruct because my soul is gone, my heart burned. I decided to commit suicide, bye.”

Suddenly smoke came out of the super-computer like in the Mission Impossible series and it dissolved like a burnt plastic tablecloth. They were intrigued but startled and covered their noses because of the smell of the burning plastic. Actors without a script, they sought Dragon, who seemed like he was not in the room with them. He smoked a cigar, thought, looked at the cigar, and suddenly smiled and dialed his mobile phone.

“Listen to me well, Monro. We are going to release the captives today on condition that you help us. It will happen like this, my actor friends and I...” The Hollywood actors opened their eyes with astonishment, their jaws dropped with surprise as they listened to Dragon expound on the bold and impossible plan to Monro.

 

 Night covered Musulmania in black tresses. It was eight fifteen when the truck stopped near the prison’s dark gate and thirteen men and women from the circus team got out holding five full, overflowing burlap bags. The men wore galabias and keffiyehs and the women wore galabias over the dance clothes with veils over their faces. The circus team was welcomed with applause and one of the prisoners led them into the prison officer’s room where they were awaited by: Mike Satanic, Aswad, his bodyguards, four prisoners, Dr. Said, the Islamic TV crew (needed to photograph the circus show and the execution while the Hollywood crew was set to cover only the execution.) The seven captives were smiling and in a good mood and asked to watch the show. They sat on rugs and carpets while the refreshments in front were distributed by President Aswad. They sang songs, laughed, and praised the war. They smoked hookahs with burning eyes and the fire of hallucination and welcomed the circus team with enthusiastic applause. Aswad showed his excitement

“My Islamic Circus brothers, welcome to prison. May the Prophet Muhammad bless your stay. Now please give us a private show and afterwards you will perform in front of the prisoners here. President Aswad is ready for a show.” He played modern Arabic music for belly dancing on his sophisticated home cinema system in the room “Belly dancing first and afterwards whatever you want. As far as I’m concerned, the prisoners can start belly dancing later on”.

The performers declared with fake excitement “Shukran, Shukran, our general Aswad, the greatest of prophets.”

Five belly dancers started dancing in ecstasy and the rest of the circus team applauded the belly dancers whose feet were in ballet stockings. Aswad and Mike Satanic stared at the dancers with lusty eyes and even stood up and started wiggling, with inflamed passion, close to the dancers. The bodyguards and the prison guards also started dancing. Aswad, who always got what he desired, was soon unable to control himself and his urges and started touching the wiggling butts in front of him, but to his surprise they pushed him away and stepped forward. This reaction angered him and fed his burning desire even more. His rage strengthened his resolve and he lashed out at a wiggling dancer who refused his advances.

“You sluts and assholes, why do you resist me? Do you know who I am? I’m President Aswad, the leader, the greatest general and the prophet of Islam, of the Arabs and of the Free Islamic Forces. If you continue to resist me, I'll put you in prison.” He thought for a minute: “Actually, you are already here so we will keep you here.”

He pushed one of the dancers backwards with maliciousness and slapped her face but failed to notice that the veil and the wig fell off, exposing a weird face.

Aswad continued in ecstasy.

“I’m President Aswad. I’m adored by the people, I’m the prayer of the people, I’m the heart of the Islamic people and you are a dumb animal.” Like thunder rolling across the sky and fearsome lightning reaching down, it became clear that the dancer Aswad harassed was actually Lion in disguise. He screamed at Aswad:

 “If I’m a dumb animal, you are President my ass; you are an excrement leader and a scum prophet.”

 

Lion slapped Aswad’s face with full force. The surprised Aswad froze in his place with his mouth wide open while Lion’s dentures flew from his mouth and hit Mike Satanic’s feeble and horrified face with great force. Aswad tipped sideways, fell to the floor, and lost his consciousness due to the strong slap or due to the unbelievable sight of Lion as a belly dancer. The terrified Mike Satanic, the prison warden, the prison guards and the bodyguards tried to reach their weapons but the four belly dancers threw off their veils revealing that they were Tigris, Bruce Rat, Mel Gibson, and Clint Chicken. Along with Lion and the rest of the disguised Hollywood people, they took various weapons out of the burlap bags and were armed with rifles and clubs, ready for action. They attacked the Islamic guards who failed to reach their weapons and hit them in style while singing: For Aswad is a Jolly Good Fellow, until the Islamists lost consciousness, their faces covered in blood. Outside the prison helicopters appeared, decorated with fake Free Islamic Forces emblems, carrying Democratic commando soldiers and C.I.A agents. The rescue troops alighted, covering their faces with stocking caps. They forced their way into the prison and went into the prison officers' room, their guns at the ready. The actors were at first terrified and almost fainted but sighed with relief when they heard Monro say:

“Well done, Dragon. Well done, Hollywood people, you played it like a motherfucker commando force. Long live Hollywood!”

The one to congratulate them was no other than Monro who took off his stocking cap, followed by Elena who also took her stocking cap off and threw herself at the stunned Barney with hugs and kisses. Prof. Cheers also took her stocking cap off, surprising Monro, who did not know she had come along, hoping to earn some future points with the media. As a response, they all applauded, screamed, and whistled. Monro hugged the Hollywood actors and then sighed with despair. “It’s a pity you didn’t film this.  I have an idea. Maybe we should do it again with Aswad, Mike Satanic and the rest of the Islamists. We will repeat the belly dancing, your attack and the rescue of the captives and the Hollywood crew will film everything, we owe it to Hollywood.”

Dragon burst out laughing.

“There is no need for a reconstruction,” he pointed at the stunned Islamic film crew “They filmed everything live for the reality show of everything.”

The Islamic photographer gladly gave the tapes to Monro who kissed them and put them in his pocket as the Hollywood film crew entered the room.

Prof. Cheers inserted her head between the two crews and asked:

“What is this tape? Did you also film me? I love to see myself, I’m a star, and I’m a Hollywood fan.”

Monro was furious and immediately yelled at her.

“Why is it your business? Why is the video tape all about you? Do not forget that I am managing the situation here and whenever I need you, I will let you know. Stop sticking your nose in every hole and always remember who the boss is. Only Monro is the boss.” Prof. Cheers was defeated and headed to another corner feeling contempt for Monro. The real soldiers started shaking the Hollywood team’s hands and asked for autographs. Dragon stared at them with skepticism and asked:

“You seem familiar to me. You are not real commando soldiers. Who are you? Are you Monro’s or Barney’s friends?”

The commando soldiers took off their stocking caps showing their camouflaged faces and Dragon recognized the group of the elderly who trained with the Hollywood actors at the C.I.A facility. At this point some could hardly stay upright. Some had Parkinson's disease others did not hear well, some did not see well enough and most of them spoke with a shaking, stuttering, and broken voices. Most of them suffered from Alzheimer and had completely forgotten that they trained together.

The old man assaulted by the Neo-Nazis answered:

 “We receive disability pension from the Bureau, and we receive supplementary income. We decided to enlist in the Democratic army because Monro announced he would pay each one of us an additional 2000 to 3000 dollars a month,” he smiled. “According to each of our disability rates. Yesterday Monro announced we would receive another 1000 dollars each if we joined this mission as extras in a movie being filmed somewhere quiet and calm. He just forgot to tell us that we were flying on helicopters to the Free Islam Forces and rescuing Democratic captives for real, and not in a movie.” He reprimanded Monro: “You should have added more money to us for the night flight, the risk, and fight.”

Monro burst out:

 “Damn you, one might think you did something dangerous. I will add 1000 dollars to each of you.”

The old man replied:

“No, no, you miserable miser, give us  1500 dollars each or else we will see you in labor court and that will cost you more.” Monro sighed, “Shut up you blackmailer, instead of doing it free, you extort cash from me.” Monro was furious but took a roll of bills from his pocket and gave each one of them 2500 dollars.

Barney said:

“Let’s get out of here as soon as possible.” Barney noticed the Islamic film crew, two of his guards and Dr. Said, still confused and frightened by the ordeal.

“What are we going to do with them?” Barney joked, but with a serious expression. “Let’s hit them, shoot them, hang them or slaughter them.” He laughed. “I was just joking, don’t worry, nothing will happen to you.”

Dragon was becoming impatient:

“Let’s take them with us.” He asked them: “Do you want to come to the Selected Democratic Organization and live Hollywood lives? You will have everything you have at the Free Islamic Forces, but more...more money, more women, more fun and lots of Hollywood.” The Islamists stared at each other with fear, with embarrassment, with curiosity, nodded their heads and jumped up and down.

“Yes, take us on a free ride. Take us to the Selected Democratic Organization. We've had it with the psycho Aswad and the crazy Mike Satanic.”

Everyone ran outside. Lion and Tigris tied Aswad and Mike Satanic’s hands, pulled them up, and ran with them to the helicopters. The helicopters were running while Aswad and Mike Satanic were made to notify the control tower in Musulmania that they were going on an espionage and bombardment flight against the Democratic army at the border. They received flight approval from the control tower. Many lay on the helicopter floor exhausted. Some tried to take a decent nap through the exhausting flight while Barney continued kissing and hugging Elena and suddenly screamed to everyone:

“Listen to this joke, a soldier runs down a New York City Street until he reaches an intersection". They screamed back:

“Enough Barney, we don’t want any more jokes, shut up, your jokes can kill.”

Barney smiled.

“You are right but one more little joke as a memory of the joyful days as guests of the Free Islamic Forces, so that’s what happened...”

 

“A soldier runs down a New York City Street until he reaches an intersection and meets a nun. “I beg you” the tired soldier says, “I apologize in advance but please let me hide under your habit.” The nun agrees to his strange request and a minute later three military policemen show up and ask her if she saw a soldier in the area. “Yes” answers the nun “he ran that way.” The M.P.s run in that direction and disappear around the corner. The soldier comes out from under the nun’s habit and says, “I don’t know how to thank you, you saved me from going to war, but I must tell you something.” The soldier added “You have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen.” “Had you looked a little higher,” the nun answered, “you would have seen the most beautiful set of balls you have ever seen that also don’t want to go to war.”

 

Everyone, including Aswad and Mike Satanic, who got back to their senses cracked up laughing. The laughter competed with the enormous noise of the helicopter’s blades while Demos’s flickering lights became visible from afar, slowly getting closer to them.