Elsewhere 4
Briar
I have everything. And yet, I am not happy.
There is something missing
My mind thinks about her.
I think about the curse. That curse that she put on me. Calamity Fissure. That curse took away the one control I had. The one shred of the past that I could hold on to. Some days, it hurts. Somedays I am able to ignore it.
I hate her...I hate her so much.
But when I see her, the world stops.
I think about the fleeting moments.
where everything was just...fine.
And I remember times when we would run through Fissure’s Grave
The thudding in my chest that makes me want to puke, not a stomach ache, not poison, not even a cold.
I hate it. I hate her. I hate that I never stopped liking her. Calamity Fissure.
an old name on the tip of my tongue, a flavor that lingers that I'll never be free of.
I sit atop a building watching her. It only makes me angry, logic says I shouldn’t. It only makes me angrier and makes me feel disgusted with myself.
This is common sense. And yet, I say it out loud, and it means nothing.
How could I possibly just let go after everything. Why wouldn’t I keep following her? I don't have control but I can be in the margins. Right? I can be a pain in the ass, that’s the eye for an eye thing, right?
Calamity insisted on this wedge, so I’ll just sit here and toss rocks.
She and that disgusting freak sitting side by side and hand in hand and all I can think is rage. Roxanne? Has no personality. I can’t see what Calamity would ever want to do with him.
And of course they kiss.
My heart twists, and I remember it. The calming touch of her fur on my skin...that lingering second where everything met.
I dont like girls. I dont like girls. I dont like girls
We used to be close.
My heart pounds as the memory of affection scorches down along my mind and body and all I can think is how much I want to kill them both.
The memory persists. The kiss me and her shared was-
She violated me and yet somehow I can’t stop this.. WHY. I should WANT HER DEAD. I should want to rip her guts out, reach up through her stomach and tear her heart out because she took away what I knew. What I could control.
And then I throw a chunk of rock, pebble..thing. off the roof. and I watch it quietly fall and clack to the ground below.
Why did you do this to me?
I stand up and eventually make my way down to the streets below. My last encounter with Calamity was filled with the threats she’d only ever make towards me. Threats she won't carry through with, but I won’t test it.
Perhaps I’m soft.
At the very least she’s never going to have a day's peace with all the vengeance sworn on her father.
The cold wash’s over me as I move through the streets, the early days of the new year help me clear my mind the most. If I could bottle it I would.
As I breathe, the cold air stings inside me and centers me as I walk into a small soup restaurant that sells a particular veggie soup. The warm contrast helps me forget, if only for the moment.
What if I just killed myself?
Over what? A friend who hurt me? Somewhere in my head all the little voices seem to crow about the injustice in that idea.
The tournament is in just a couple more months. I just need to make it there.
I beat Calamity’s pet in front of her and win the whole thing.
And then what? One of the little voices in my head asks.
Live I guess.
No. No I need something else
I remember the other friends I have, just a few. No one close though. Close is dangerous. Maggie and Wren are fine. But we don’t hang out much outside the academy
Find a boyfriend?
The bowl meets my lips and I cherish every second of the taste of corn, celery, and potato in the liquid. The thoughts and little voices stop as we all collectively savor it
Another little voice in my head; screw boys.
Some random woman is handing out business cards for that stupid organization. Spyte? I’ve heard people talk about them. Panacea is the official name they go by.
I slip the card into my pocket.
The Remedy for an illness?
Ha!
Oh Jesus, lingering scars from the shitshow it seems Calamity coming out was combined with not being able to let go resulting in her absolutely spiraling downwards mentally. Judging from the comments about feeling like she lost what control she had and such, I’d assume her life has in large part been decided by others—and thus when she feels like what control she does have has been violated she obsesses over it.
good eye!
@Adra_Collins Extra issues from it looks like her crush on pre-transition Calamity, which is possibly interacting oddly with the memory erasure to retroactively insert post-transition Calamity into those experiences, judging by the whole “But I don’t like girls” bits and stuff like that—or just regular sexuality crises, but who knows—making her mind rewrite her affectionate moments with male-presenting Calamity into featuring female-presenting Calamity and twisting her up because of that too.
Oh Briar. You poor girl making the stupidest f*cking choices.