[TW: Dysphoria interspersed with mild intimacy.]

While being Sailor Moon afforded me some luxuries, I still had to breathe oxygen. And right now, in the smoke-filled apartment complex, I was finding that luxury in short supply.

We had leaped into a burning building, a massive high-rise complex where people were apparently unable to evacuate quickly enough.

The doors of the twenty-sixth floor were cast in a haze of smoke that I could only dimly make out. I was able to turn my Moon Stick into a makeshift flashlight by holding it aloft and letting its glow cut through the gloom, but it could only do so much.

For instance, no magic wand I possessed could instantly locate the source of screaming and calls for help. It was impossible to make out over the dull roar of flames and the shrieking, pulsing fire alarm. Rescue services were overwhelmed and likely weren’t going to be here anytime soon. All we could do was keep moving floor by floor and try to help as many as we could.

I coughed, pulling the front of my collar up over my mouth to help give my poor lungs a break. Beside me, Nao was using her arm to cover her own mouth, her scowling features indistinct through the smoke.

“Fuck” I hacked, trying to push through the smoke and heat, “I need to recruit a Sailor Mercury first-fucking thing, because this is the second time I’ve had to deal with this shit since I became a senshi. Moon lasers can’t do shit against this! I hate fire rescues so much…”

“Yeah, sometimes our powers don’t really help much, unfortunately,” growled Nao, grasping a door to the staircase. “Our only power here is the fact that we’re insane enough to jump into a burning building.”

The staircase was still filled with smoke as we moved up to the next floor.

“Why the hell haven’t the sprinklers gone off yet?!” I shouted, gesturing around us. “Are they broken? This apartment building doesn’t look that old!”

“The emergency water tank might have been knocked off the roof. And there isn’t enough water pressure for anything more,” sighed Nao, rounding the staircase, “Probably burst the main so the water can’t get up here. I’ve seen it too many times to count. Building engineers prepare for earthquakes, not kaiju attacks.”

“I think I hear something,” I said, trying to open my ears. “It’s faint. Shouldn’t they be louder? I thought we were closer when we heard it a floor ago.”

“Smoke inhalation might have weakened their voice,” replied Nao. She cupped her hands over her mouth. “OVER HERE!,” she bellowed, “CRAWL TOWARDS THE SOUND OF MY VOICE!”

There was a weak yell in reply and we followed it to an apartment a few doors down from us. The door didn’t budge, but with a quick application of my shoulder, I was able to pop the door out of its frame and allow it to swing open.

The apartment within was filled with smoke. In the midst of the haze, a shaking old man was struggling to move, leaning on a cane for support.

“Sorry… sorry…” he mumbled apologetically, “It’s just my damn hip. I just-” He stopped, looking up at us in shock. “WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS DOING HERE?!” he sputtered, waving at us. “GET OUT OF HERE! THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE! WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?!”

“Sir…” I said, holding up my hands, “We’re professionals. Superheroes. Sailor guardians. Please calm down.”

“‘Superheroes?’” the man cackled, “You girls are crazy! Don’t be ridiculous!” He broke into coughs, shuddering with each hack as he pressed his mouth into his arm.

“I don’t have time for this,” groaned Nao, “And neither does he, by the looks of it.” Nao stepped forward, scooped up the old man as if he were a child, and over his protests, kicked his window out of the wall. A burst of cold air surged into the room, and as the old man screamed and kicked fruitlessly, Nao stepped over to the window.

“Stay here,” she said,, “I’ll be back.”

I nodded. We’d already evacuated a few others the exact same way. Moon gravity made things fairly easy to fall down a burning building and scale it once again. Granted, the people we were rescuing were more than a little terrified of falling down a building, but they’d gotten down in one piece.

Chiding the old man as she did so, Nao climbed out the window and, with the old man shrieking in terror, jumped out.

Left alone for a moment, I only had time to think. The fresh air outside was helpful, but I knew that the fire would only continue to consume it into smoke. 

Something nagged at my mind. We were almost done with the whole building, and not a moment too soon, but there was something missing. Something out of place.

We’d been alerted to the fire by a scream. A shrill, high, panicked scream. We had, at this point, encountered an old man, an unmarried couple, a pair of college students, a salaryman as we swept the burning building. But none of them could have produced a shriek that high.

Were we… missing someone?

It was a scary thought. The idea that someone was still trapped in the searing blaze, choking on smoke and unable to escape, slowly watching their life fade. All the while, begging,

“Help… please…”

I blinked. I looked around. Had that been real? Or had the smoke gotten to me? I could have sworn I’d heard a voice. Weak, thready, almost whispered in my ear. But that was impossible, right? No one else was in this miasma-choked apartment. And I wasn’t Superman. I didn’t have super hearing…

However… a detail filtered into my mind. 

After binge watching the Sailor Moon anime a zillion times, I had all but memorized the first episode. And there was a moment, right after Usagi transforms into Sailor Moon for the first time, where she hears the screams for help from her friend Naru as she is being threatened by a monster. Even though Naru was on the opposite side of the city. Her red hairpins had been glimmering with power as if they’d been some kind of radio receivers.

Looking up at my own hair, I did notice the ruby pins holding my hair into the signature bun shape were glimmering with light.

Did… did Sailor Moon really have the power to hear people cry out for help? I’d assumed that was just a plot convenience.

“Help…”

I stood up straight. The voice was growing weaker. And as I closed my eyes to try to follow it, I began to feel a faint… tug. A sense of being drawn closer.

I rushed in the direction, feeling the strength of the connection grow until I pulled open a nearby door and-

Was blasted back by a wall of flame. It was like I had dove headfirst into an oven, with the searing hot air washing over me, dry and painful. Through the blaze, I could make out the remains of an apartment. The voice, the connection, was in the direction of a room on the other side.

This was an inferno. And on the other side of it, someone needed me.

“Shit!” I hissed, holding up an arm over my face.

I needed backup for this. I needed to wait for Nao. I needed-

I heard a choking sound. Soft, and barely audible over the sounds of the blaze and the shrieking fire alarm. But there.

“No time!” I insisted, steeling myself, “She’s gonna die if I don’t-” I gritted my teeth, “Fuck this is going to hurt.” I held out my Moon Stick and clutching it tightly, growling, “Moon Healing Escalation,” as I leaped into the inferno.

The flames seared against my skin, surged through my very lungs and blinded me with agony. But the healing magic of my Moon Healing Escalation did its job in keeping me upright. I did my best to concentrate on holding the magic in place, but it was draining. Not only was the pain of the flames difficult to push through, but the sheer effort of searing off my flesh and regenerating it over and over again was enough to slow my progress to a crawl. Every single step felt like a marathon sprint. One agonizing step at a time, I stepped over to the room and finally opened the door.

In the smoke-filled room, it was difficult to make out much of anything. But with the illumination of the flames behind me, I could make out a small figure, sprawled out, trapped under a fallen bookshelf. She couldn’t have been more than five years old. She looked up at me in awe, and while I couldn’t have looked particularly heroic considering I was still sloughing off flesh and regrowing it, clearly she was grateful to be rescued. 

Grunting with effort, I hefted off the bookcase to allow her to crawl out, and as soon as she was clear, I let it drop with a thunk. I watched the girl gape at the flames behind me.

“Here,” I growled through gritted teeth, “I’ll get you out. Just get in my arms.”

The girl stepped back, nervously. She shook her head, shivering in her smoke-stained dress.

“I know it’s scary,” I insisted, trying to be as comforting as I could while I was still roasting and healing. My head was beginning to spin from the effort. “I’ll keep you safe. It’s okay… I’m…” I forced a smile, though I couldn’t imagine how pained it looked from her perspective. “I’m Sailor Moon.”

I wasn’t certain if she recognized the name. Or maybe it was just my smile or the calmness of my voice. Either way, she took a few steps towards me, looking up at me in awe.

I scooped her up in my arms. I tried to extend the effect of my Moon Healing Escalation to the girl and while it worked, the effort nearly caused me to collapse. I had to lean against the doorframe for a moment to sustain the effort.

“What’s… your… name?” I grunted, sucking in breath.

“Aya.”

Her voice was a pained whisper, but she pressed her head against me, hugging my neck tightly.

“Aya-chan,” I gasped, “I need you to close your eyes for a minute. This might hurt a little, but I’m going to get you out of here.”

Aya squeezed me a little tighter, but nodded.

I couldn’t let an ounce of harm come to her. While I was an adult, she was a child and wouldn’t be able to sustain the scale of damage I was taking, magic or not. I put the full power of my magic around her, and in doing so, felt the pain truly reach a zenith as the flames crashed against my body.

I ran forward. I felt my body collide against furniture, I felt my nerves shriek with pain as my skin was seared. I felt my vision tunneling with the effort, but all I could do was keep moving forward, sheltering Aya in a cocoon of moonlight magic.

I ran for the broken window. It was where Nao could find me. It was where there was fresh air. It was where I could get Aya to safety. 

And while I spotted it in the haze, through the door, I was finding that it was growing further away as I tried to trudge forward. The ground rose to meet me, and while I was able to avoid falling on top of Aya with my last sliver of strength, I could do no more.

Nao would come soon. Aya would be safe.

As for me? I couldn’t guess.

The world fell away.

________________________________________________

 

I awoke to the sensation of lips pressed against my own. Forcing air into my lungs. Hands pressed against my chest for a moment, and my ribs sang in agony as they cracked, pushed into the center of my sternum.

CPR, I realized dimly. While I’d learned the basics, I’d never imagined what the experience would be like from the practice dummy’s perspective.

And there was no doubt, I was absolutely a dummy.

I forced out a racking series of coughs, and was helped in sitting up by a strong set of arms.

“Easy…” said a calm, male voice, “We nearly lost you there…”

I forced my eyes open. Through the blurring and haze of near death, I saw his face again.

Tuxedo Mask.

Maybe it was mortal peril, maybe it was the softness of his lips or maybe it was just the fact that he was there.

Either way, I did the most Sailor Moon-like thing I could.

I grabbed him, held on for dear life, and began to sob.

While it was just a part of being a sailor guardian that one needed to brush with death, it certainly wasn’t any less terrifying. The idea that I could have lost everything and everyone. The possibility that it could have all been over. It was too much to bear.

But Tuxedo Mask seemed to give me permission to break down a little bit. It was all too easy to judge Usagi as being a crybaby or a wimp in the view of the anime or manga. But, truthfully, it would have been more unrealistic not to react to near-death peril like this. Maybe I was a superhero, but I was still human.

Tuxedo Mask’s embrace was calming, and even as I unloaded the horrible sobbing mess of bawling on his clothes, he still stayed close and waited for me to stop shaking.

“Better?” he asked, looking down at me.

I nodded, wiping my eyes. “Thank you,” I choked out, hoarse from crying and smoke inhalation.

“YOU FUCKING IDIOT!”

I jerked my head to the side, seeing Nao stomping over to me, crossing down the street towards me. I realized that I had been laying on the asphalt in front of the still-burning building. All around us, police and fire-department personnel were hard at work keeping a perimeter and seeing to the victims. Above us, a firetruck was hard at work trying to douse the flames with a team of firemen working the hose.

Heh, working the hose, I giggled deliriously

I was snapped out of it by Nao clapping me upside the head, causing a brief lightshow in front of my eyes. “I TOLD YOU TO STAY PUT, DUMBASS!” she shouted, raising up her hand for another swing.

Tuxedo Mask moved between us, speaking sternly, “She’s still hurt, Sailor Moon. Please stop.”

Nao scowled at him, her face contorted in fury. “I told you that we don’t need you, Toru,” she growled. She looked down at me and as I caught her gaze, I saw her blinking tears out of her eyes.

“Fucking smoke,” she snapped, angrily, wiping them. She turned back to Tuxedo Mask, her expression softening. “Uh… thanks though… M-maybe you’re not a complete loser.”

Tuxedo Mask smiled, bowing. Nao scowled and slapped his hat off his head again before turning away and walking over to talk to the police.

Shaking, I handed it back to him, which he accepted. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” I insisted, hugging him, “Holy shit, I nearly died. How the hell did you find me?”

“I… might have been following you,” sighed Toru, blushing slightly. “S-sorry.”

I shook my head. “No… that’s… well, still a little creepy, but I’m glad you did.” I tried to sit up under my own power and was forced to lean on him for support. “The girl… Aya… where is she?”

Toru turned slightly and pointed to a nearby ambulance. There, underneath a shock blanket, was Aya, being examined by an EMT. I sighed in relief.

“That was very dangerous,” he said, a little sternly.

“No more dangerous than fighting evil armed only with roses,” I said, smirking.

He blushed slightly. “Here, let me help you up.”

I took his hand and tried to get to my feet properly.

Only to stumble and, underneath our combined weights, collapse on top of one another.

While part of my brain was currently rolling its eyes at the hackneyed anime romance trope that I had found myself in, another noticed something… unusual.

Pressed so close against him, I had expected to feel a flat, muscular chest, I instead felt a squishy consistency tightly bound against his torso. Like…

Breasts?!

Tuxedo Mask’s expression grew still, and quiet. Disappointed. Not meeting my gaze, he gently shoved me off of him and drew to his full height.

“I… I should go,” he said, his voice cold.

Before he could, I yanked at his cape, refusing to let go. “Wait!”

He shook his head, not facing me. “I’m sorry, Sailor Moon. I… I’d hoped that maybe we might have been able to have this a little longer… but…” his shoulders shuddered, “It… it always ends up like this.”

I wrenched on his cape, dragging him back down to my level. Getting up into a kneeling position, I placed my hands on his shoulder, looking into his eyes.

He was crying openly now, and as I watched his features, I could see what I had missed up until this point.

“You’re like me,” I said, softly.

He winced in pain, shaking his head, “No, Serena… I’m… I’m not a woman. I’m sorry, but-”

I pressed a finger to his lips. Leaning a little closer, close enough to feel his breath mingle with my own, I said, “No, Toru. I mean that you are like me.” I frowned slightly. “I mean… but opposite, I guess.” I chuckled. “I’d never thought that these feelings might have gone the other way before. That someone might be a man trapped in a woman’s body.”

He blinked in shock, but broke into a surprised, if watery, smile. “You… you are like Mrs. Shinohara?”

I nodded. “Yeah…”

He paused for a moment before speaking again, “Mrs. Shinohara was the only one who would give me a job and let me dress the way I wanted. She called me by my real name. She accepted me as a man. And she didn’t laugh when I said I wanted to be a hero.” 

Cupping his chin, I said, “You are a hero. And if I’m a woman, then you are most certainly a man.”

“I’m not… as tall… or as strong… or as tough as real men are supposed to be,” he sighed dejectedly, “And I don’t have a-”

I pressed a finger to his lips, again. “None of that decides if you are a man or a woman. It’s not about what’s down there… but…” I leaned forward and planted a kiss on his forehead. “What’s up here.”

Some part of my brain, the little fragments of toxic masculinity remaining from my shattered mask, was outraged that I had just kissed a boy. But a deeper part of me took a delicious pleasure in embracing my sexuality as a woman. It didn’t matter if I liked boys or girls. Honestly, who cared? I was in love. I was a woman with a woman’s heart. And besides, I most certainly hadn’t kissed a boy.

I’d kissed a man, goddamn it. 

And every ounce of my body seemed on board with the idea.

“I think…” I whispered to him, pressing my forehead into his own, “That we have a lot in common. And while I have a flight to catch tomorrow… I think I want to spend the remaining time in Tokyo with you. What do you think?”

Toru took in a deep breath, wrapped his arms over my neck and gently kissed me.

I’d never been kissed like this. I’d never had someone take the initiative to show me that I could be loved and feel beautiful. I’d been struggling with the fundamental question… could anyone ever love me as a woman?

I clearly had my answer.

With Toru’s support, I was able to get upright again. With his hand in my own, I felt like I could have done anything. But what I wanted to do, more than anything else, was spend time with him. Nao waved us off, as clearly I wasn’t doing any more superheroes for the day.

And as I helped carry Toru into the air with my leaping… I noticed the little girl, Aya, waving at me as I departed.

And as me and my newfound love leapt into the night… I waved back. Despite all the pain and doubt and fear… Aya’s smile made it worth it.

______________________________________

In addition to teaching Toru martial arts, I was surprised to find that Mako had taught Toru a more important skill:

How to cook like a champion.

As I recuperated on his futon, I was amazed by what this wonderful man had done to this katsu curry. Warm, flaky, breading over delicious, flavorful, juicy pork over rice and a helping of carefully calibrated spicy curry. My chopsticks flew over the plate as Toru sat down next to me.

The television was currently showing the news coverage of the kaiju attack. While no mention was made of our contributions, reporters were eagerly interviewing the technicolor-spandex-clad sentai who gleefully declared their victory over the forces of evil.

Once upon a time, I would have cared about that. Wanting credit and glory for my hard work. But right now, I was grateful just to have this time with him.

“Oh my god,” I moaned, savoring my last bite of pork cutlet. “Toru, I’m kidnapping you. You’re coming back to Gotham with me. In my luggage if necessary.”

He gave me a cautious look as his chopsticks hovered over his own food. “Uh…”

“Kidding,” I sighed, wearily, “But this is incredible.”

“I… I’m a little embarrassed, to be honest,”  he said, blushing, “I mean… isn’t it a little… girly?”

I waved the idea aside, scooping up another bite of curry-soaked rice. “Look… men are allowed to be good at cooking. Women are allowed to be bad at it. I mean… I can barely boil water…”

“Mrs. Shinohara taught me,” said Toru, between bites. “Her husband, Mr. Shinohara, took me in after my parents disowned me.”

I pressed my lips together, leaning my head onto his shoulder. “I’m sorry…”

He shook his head. “They didn’t really care how I dressed or acted… but they had an arranged marriage. And wouldn’t accept no for an answer. Mr. Shinohara had been a teacher at my school and was willing to let me stay with him.” He broke into a weak smile. “I never would have guessed his wife was… like me.” He turned to me, chewing his lip. “I wish I could change the way you did. Like magic.” He heaved out a sigh, now leaning against me. “But it’s only for women, right?”

“None of them can help you?” I asked, blinking in surprise, “I mean… all that power?”

“Mitsuishi-sensei has been trying to get me hormones. Testosterone,” he said, “But it’s been difficult. I know there are surgeries to have my… breasts…” he winced for a moment, before speaking again, “removed… but surgeons refuse to take my requests seriously. No matter what I do, I cannot get them to realize I am a man.”

“They can’t do magic to help you?”

“Doctor Hisakawa says she is working on it,” said Toru, shrugging, “But she is the only one among us who properly understands lunar magic and technology. And she is… busy.”

“I know people in America,” I insisted, putting a hand on his leg. “I’ll do my best to find someone to help you.”

He looked up at me, surprised. For a moment, I thought he was shocked by my promise to help him. But, instead, his gaze cast down to my hand.

Currently placed on his thigh.

I bit my lip. “Is this… okay?”

“I… don’t want to disappoint you,” he whispered, leaning closer.

“You never could, Toru,” I said, drawing closer to him, “You are the best Tuxedo Mask, a Sailor Moon could ever ask for.”

Our kiss… mouth to mouth, and tongue to tongue, tasted like curry. 

Toru was understandably shy, but I did my best to respect his boundaries. And as I made love to him as a woman does to a man, something finally broke free. He took charge and I was gleeful in following his lead. There was no denying that he knew his way around my new body better than I did, and for that I was grateful. 

My first time as a woman was nothing like my past experiences as a man. But it wasn’t just the sex that made the difference.

 

It was the safety. It was the security. It was watching TV together as we basked in the afterglow. It was sleeping next to him as I held him in my arms. It was the small moments that wove a tapestry of deep affection.

The days that followed were wonderful beyond words. Being with my fellow senshi was like finally being reunited with my long-lost family.

And, in every moment I could manage, I spent alongside Toru. There was no comparing the relationship that had bloomed between us in such a short time with the year spent with Carla. I wished it could have lasted forever.

But… December 23rd finally arrived. I was due to get on a flight back to my home suburb. To face my parents. And eventually return to college and crime-fighting.

When I woke up that morning on Toru’s couch to the sound of Kamen Rider reruns and the warmth of my sleeping man pressed against my body, I was struck by one singular question:

Do I really want to go back to Gotham?

Did I have to embrace my “destiny” as the leader of an American group of Sailor Guardians? Usagi had clearly changed her fate. Why couldn’t I? Why couldn’t I just stay here with my new family? New friends? And… maybe a boyfriend? 

I could find a life here if I wanted. And I did want it.

“Something bothering you, Serena-chan?”

I looked down at the handsome man in my arms, blinking open his eyes as he looked back at me. 

While he certainly knew how to bring pleasure to a woman’s body, given what we’d just done last night, I could never see him as anything but a man. No matter the shape of his form, I could feel not just the strength of a man, but also the heart of a gentleman. 

As I looked down at him, I could only think, This is what a man should be like.

In Toru, I could see the kind of person that Cross might have been, had his mantle been taken up by someone who wasn’t suffocating in misery and self hatred. The kind of man I never could have been and truthfully, never wanted to be. But… in him, I could see the appeal.

This is the kind of man Carla must have seen. Must have wanted. And I cheated her out of it.

Toru planted a slow, deliberate kiss on the nape of my neck and I immediately lost my train of thought.

“I can’t stand to see that beautiful face of yours so twisted in sadness, Serena-chan,” he murmured into my body.

I pulled him close, sighing, “I don’t want to go…” I whined.

He nodded, placing another kiss upon me. “I agree… but I also believe that you should. It would be selfish of me to keep you here, when Gotham needs you.” He looked up at me seriously. “They need their Sailor Moon.”

I frowned down at him, “And what about my Tuxedo Mask?”

He forced out a pained sigh, “I’m sure you’ll find someone better.”

“Never,” I said, wrapping my legs around him posessively and placing a kiss on his cheek.

“You deserve a real man,” he said, not meeting my gaze.

“I have one,” I said, sharply, “That’s why I don’t want to leave. What I have here… What we have here. This… this could be perfect.”

“Maybe…” he hazarded. He shook his head, “But it wouldn’t be right. Usagi-sensei placed her trust in you. All of the senshi did. You have to go home and find the other senshi”

I leaned back slightly. The sounds of choreographed fisticuffs and Japanese banter echoed from the TV and into the silence. I stared out at the pink light of sunrise peeking over the Tokyo skyline over Toru’s apartment.

He was right. It wasn’t fair, but he was right. 

“I’m… not going to forget you,” I insisted, nuzzling against him. “Promise me you’ll visit.”

“Of course,” he said, nodding.

I breathed out a sigh. “Are you coming to the airport?”

He pressed his lips together. “Mrs. Shinohara needs someone to manage the store.” He said sadly, “If she’s going to drive you to the airport.” He winced for a moment, as if in pain, “And truthfully… I think it will be harder for both of us if we draw this out.”

He was right. So fucking right and it hurt so much to admit it. 

“Tell me the truth, Serena… could we truly be in a relationship across the planet?” asked Toru, blinking away tears, “I have enjoyed my brief time with you… but…” He looked to his right. There were roses sitting in a vase next to his couch. “An uprooted rose will not last long. Regardless of the life that might be here… with us… you have a life that already exists in America. It wouldn’t be fair to take that from you.”

It hurt. Like those rose thorns had buried themselves into my heart and were tearing out my insides as they were removed.

“I… had hoped I’d finally found someone,” I said, my throat tight. I stroked his hair. “It’s not fair.”

“I think… we should treasure this moment,” he said, smiling bitterly. “But should also let it pass. Grip a rose too tightly, and it’s only going to hurt you.”

I sighed.

In another story, we would have had our happy ending. The star-crossed love between Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask would have bloomed. We could have made a life together here. Our love could have become something beautiful.

But that wasn’t our story. We were being pulled in separate directions. And while maybe we would cross paths someday later, for now… we had to let go.

Sobbing, I got dressed once more. I packed up my things with Toru’s quiet help. Lingering glances and touches between us made the act both more painful and difficult than it needed to be. Before leaving, I asked for his number, but he simply shook his head, again kissing my hand. I knew he was trying to make a cleaner break for us. But it hurt no less for him doing so.

And as I left his apartment, feeling the bitter cold strike at me, I knew it was going to hurt for a while. I steeled myself, looking down at the rose he’d given me as a keepsake. It wouldn’t last forever, but the memory would always remain.