Chapter 13: There is no spoon.

2023 December 25, Monday

She sat on the one chair in her small flat not covered in detritus, nursing a mug of coffee with little interest. It was the first time in her life that she had been entirely alone on Christmas. She had cried herself out last night before bed and again this morning before she even got this far.

How had her life become this?

Her life had been so normal four years ago. They had had an entirely wonderful Christmas — her, her husband, their son and both sets of parents. The gifts had been opened, and everyone was relaxing after a light lunch before settling in to prepare Christmas dinner. She had laughed, and smiled. Somewhere in the boxes filling her flat were photos she had printed out and put into a scrapbook from that year. She thought briefly about going and digging them out, of losing herself in them, and instead found yet more tears to shed.

Two months ago, she got a call; it was from a number she didn’t recognize, and she almost didn’t answer. There wasn’t anyone left in her life who called her, except scams and her boss. The person claimed to have been her son’s landlord, and that a couple of weeks before, during an inspection, he had found a very short note, an envelope of cash, and that was it. His clothes and meager possessions gone. The note had simply said: “I’m so sorry, goodbye.” The landlord had dug up contact information for her husband first, who had simply responded coldly, “I have no son,” and hung up.

She snorted at that and apologized to him, and said her ex was like that. Although in truth, he didn’t. Not really. It had taken her a long time to understand that, even after the divorce, and she still didn’t really get it. She thanked the landlord for calling and asked him why he’d bothered, had her son left insufficient funds? Unhappy at using the word son, but also not wanting to go into it with a stranger. He sounded sad, and said he felt like someone should know. She listened to him for a bit, letting him make it about himself and his issues. Just as well, what right did she have to make it about herself? She eventually thanked him and extricated herself from the call as calmly as she could.

Her coffee was getting cold, but she didn’t care. She kept holding it, not for warmth, but to keep herself from squeezing her hands into fists until her palms bled and she screamed so loudly and primally as to disturb her neighbors. This was just how it was going to be from now on, wasn’t it? She had no one left. Her parents had passed a couple of years ago. Her friend group had been his friend group. The church friend group. As soon as she had separated from him, she had lost them. She had no siblings, and no cousins that she knew of. She had some coworkers she would hang out with sometimes, but they were transient. They didn’t know her — and she couldn’t bring herself to tell them.

She drank the last of the cold coffee. Bitter. Awful. She grimaced. Better than she deserved, honestly. She had lived here for almost two years, but she never finished unpacking. What was the point? She had the things she needed any given day accessible, and she didn’t need or deserve anything better.

She had broken down after the call a bit. Her best work friend, such as she was, could tell she was struggling. She couldn’t keep the barriers fully up, but she managed not to spill her shame. She did, though, break down in a crying fit a week later that was loud enough that her manager sent her home, not per se, out of sympathy, but probably just because she was disturbing everyone else. She was back at work the next day because work filled the hours between sleep.

There was no work today to keep her busy today, though. She didn’t really know how she was going to get through the day without completely losing it. She decided to put on music she hadn’t listened to much for over two decades. Music her husband and his church didn’t approve of — the music she had enjoyed before she met him. She didn’t care if the neighbors were bothered by it on their Christmas. She put down her empty mug, unsure when she might take it to the kitchen, got up and headed back to bed, letting the angry, loud rock of the early nineties wash over her.

Occasionally, she sang along, as tears still came sporadically. How had she let this happen? She had just… she had lost herself in him. In their faith. She still wasn’t sure how to feel about her faith. Why had God done this? She had tried a different church a couple of times. One church had the same type of people that she saw at her old church, though, and she just left quietly before the service had even finished and then cried in her car on the way home. The other times she just felt hollow and alone and didn’t return.

She hadn’t even let herself try to contact her… her… daughter. She didn’t have that right. She didn’t just let it happen; she went along with it because the husband is the head of the household. And now she would never get to meet her daughter. Had her daughter tried being herself in the time since she… left? Since they… since she kicked her out? Her daughter’s landlord hadn’t said anything about it, but she knew landlords mostly didn’t care, so long as you weren’t running a meth lab or an illegal daycare, and you paid your rent on time.

Jessica would never know her little girl, and she didn’t deserve to.

***

Sophia hadn’t slept very well, but she had finally managed to get to sleep eventually. She had been nervous she pushed Nerys — Kirk? — too far. After Nerys ran off, Stephanie sat beside her on the sofa where Nerys had been moments before, and just held her. She was crying; it had all been a mistake, and it was her fault. She finally managed to tell Stephanie she had told Nerys she maybe like-liked her.

“It’ll be okay,” Stephanie whispered to her. “I haven’t told you about my early days with Ellen, but I did that too before she was ready to hear it. She freaked out, threw pillows at me, cursed — but we still found each other. If it’s meant to be, it will be, okay?”

Sophia nodded, not really believing her. She didn’t really say anything else, and they just sat there huddled together while the party wound down. “Do you want to go upstairs?” Stephanie eventually asked. “It’s pretty late, and you should get changed before getting some sleep. We can get you back down in the morning before we wake the boys.”

Sophia paused her crying and tried to engage her brain again for just a moment. “The basement’s fine — it’s where I belong, it’s what I deserve,” she said quietly. She could practically feel Stephanie’s frown at that, but Stephanie didn’t push back about it for the time being.

Stephanie helped Sophia unfold herself and guided her towards the door to the basement and the stairs. Ellen rejoined them as they started down the stairs, having disappeared for a bit as the party wound down, and followed as they headed towards the doors to the basement. Ellen was carrying a bag, Sophia noticed, but didn’t care to ask what was in it.

As they headed downstairs, she noticed how strangely quiet it was down there at this time of night — no boys running around, no sponsors telling them to behave. She didn’t realize how late it had gotten. Stephanie sat her down and from the bag Ellen provided makeup removal supplies from the bag, and also took out Sophia’s clothes she had worn upstairs and put them in the hamper. Then she pulled the jewelry box out and set it on the vanity.

Sophia held up a hand as Stephanie wiped her makeup off. “Is it okay for that to be down here?” she asked quietly. “What if the boys notice it?”

“Tell them, truthfully, it was a gift,” Ellen said, smiling and stepped behind her to start undoing her hair. Stephanie had gone back to helping Sophia remove her makeup, and Ellen unclasped the necklace and made a show to Sophia of putting it in the box.

Stephanie finished removing Sophia’s makeup and helped her stand and get her dress off, and then she reached into Ellen’s bag and presented her with a bundle: sleep clothes like she put on the morning after — she shuddered remembering the day of the attack. She took them and discovered a much nicer robe than the ones they gave the boys down here. Ellen and Stephanie stepped out and let her finish changing. When she was dressed, she went over and opened the door and stepped out into the hallway and hugged first Ellen, then Stephanie. “Thank you, even if…” she said quietly, not letting go of Stephanie, unable to finish the thought.

Stephanie squeezed Sophia. “It’s fine,” she said confidently. “It’ll be fine, I promise. Tomorrow this will all seem silly.”

Sophia collapsed in bed after that, but struggled trying to fall asleep. Her mind was stuck in high gear, roaring away at her. Stupid girl. Stupid girl crushing on Nerys like that. She was so fucking cute, though! And Ellen had admitted that she hadn’t worn a dress back then! Nerys was truly unprecedented. Sophia was so proud of her, but also she had to go and say she liked Nerys! Aloud! To Nerys! Probably wrecked everything. It’s fine, I don’t deserve that anyway, the lying liar that I am. She may have helped Nerys find herself, but she was still watching as the boys were transformed against their will and doing nothing to stop it.

She didn’t know when she finally got to sleep, but she awoke with a start when her alarm went off playing some Christmas carol. Sophia looked at the time, 0900. The sponsors must be letting the boys sleep in if they want, she thought. She dragged herself out of bed and was surprised to hear Stephanie’s knock ring out as she stretched. “Come on in, Steph,” she called as she picked up her water bottle and quenched her thirst.

Stephanie opened the door and entered, grinning. “Merry Christmas, Soph!” she said brightly once inside. “Come on out to the common room — we’ve got a nice breakfast and there are presents for you and the others.”

“Oh, wasn’t expecting more presents,” Sophia said, smiling faintly. “Let me get changed first?”

Stephanie grinned. “You look fine — come on!” She tossed Sophia her robe from the end of the bed, where it must have wound up in the middle of the night.

Sophia nodded nervously, putting the robe on. She started to move toward the door but remembered her necklace and quickly grabbed it from the jewelry box and managed to get it clasped on her own. She followed Stephanie out into the hallway and through the hall towards the common room, where most of the others were already, along with their sponsors. But not Nerys or Mary, she noticed, and a brief frown flashed across her face.

She saw the food spread out on the metal tables, and the others had all congregated near the TV. She went over and grabbed one of the mugs, and Tabby helped pour out some hot chocolate and added marshmallows, whipped cream and sprinkles. Sophia was about to grab some of the food when she registered what the food was: danishes. She froze for a second and then turned without taking one and took her mug over to a beanbag chair and flopped down on it as soundly as she could and not spill her hot chocolate.

“Merry Christmas, all,” she said quietly to the assembled boys and sponsors, not really feeling that merry. She held her mug close in both hands and curled up small and smiled back faintly. She briefly flashed to a memory of her mother sitting like this on cold mornings with her coffee sometimes.

Derek at least smiled back at her. “Merry Christmas, James,” he said warmly.

Derek calling her that name was upsetting; last night had been great, but this morning it was back to hell in the form of people who didn’t know her. She heard a rustle and turned to see Stephanie dragging a bean bag chair over and sitting next to her. As Stephanie sat down on it, Sophia saw she had a mug and a plate with a pair of danishes on it. “Didn’t want one?” she asked quietly, leaning over. “I grabbed an extra in case.”

Sophia curled up even tighter. “No, the hot chocolate is fine,” she said even quieter, and took another sip.

“Okay,” Stephanie said and reached over and placed a hand on her shoulder.

Sophia didn’t really notice, though; her thoughts were wandering back to Christmases of old. Of danishes, and presents, and family. She shuddered and felt tears forming. She immediately closed her eyes and focused on her breathing — slow deep breaths in and out. Sophia was still not good at meditation, and there were a lot of eyes in the room that she could feel on her, but she needed to stop the spiral.

“Are you okay?” Stephanie said what felt really close and loud to her, but probably wasn’t any more than a whisper.

She closed her eyes tighter and shook her head no, and continued trying to focus. To not drift off into remembering the Christmas, three years ago. Or the last two she spent alone, working in the call center because it got her a bit more money she desperately needed. Sophia felt Stephanie hug her and pull her in, and it helped some. For just a moment, she didn’t care what the others thought because Stephanie was there and would protect her. It wasn’t like it was back then, she had started to understand; it never would be now that she had Sisters. Now she had started to understand, and now she couldn’t stop tears of a different sort from falling.

A smile crossed her lips briefly, and she managed to awkwardly hug Stephanie back with one arm. “I’m okay now,” she whispered back to Stephanie. Sophia broke the hug and uncurled a bit and looked at Derek over her mug after she took another sip. “Actually, it’s Sophia now,” she said, smiling.

Derek looked at her confused for a moment, and then it sunk in. “Oh! Uh, nice to meet you, Sophia?” he said, sounding unsure.

“I'm pleased to meet you too, Derek,” she said, and smiled genuinely back. She glanced briefly at the others, Owen looked surprised but ultimately smiled. Grant and Carl merely frowned.

Randal put on a scowl and looked like he was about to say something when Maria tapped him on the shoulder with her taser. “Not today, Randal, it’s Christmas. Or really any day, for that matter,” she said, and he growled a bit but closed his mouth.

Sophia glanced at the extra danish on Stephanie’s plate. “Could I?” she asked quietly, looking up at Stephanie.

Stephanie smiled at her and held the plate closer. “It’s why I grabbed it,” she said, grinning.

Sophia took it and took a bite, it was spectacular, and it showed on her face. Better than the ones her family got from the store. “Oh my god, this thing is the best!” she said excitedly and took another bite.

“Aisha baked them, she’s so good at it, if maybe a bit wild to watch when she’s mixing things up,” Stephanie said, and giggled.

Sophia quickly finished the danish, and she realized Nerys and Mary still weren’t there. “Is… Kirk… okay?” she leaned over and whispered in Stephanie’s ear.

Stephanie nodded. “Sort of,” she whispered back. She set her plate in her lap and pulled her phone out and showed her a message from Mary on Consensus.

Mary:

Kirk is scared that Sophia hates her after last night… and doesn’t want to come out.

Sophia set her jaw and set her mug to one side and stood up. She started walking towards the door resolutely, and then Steph was beside her. “You don’t have to,” Stephanie said after they were in the hallway.

“No, this is my mess,” Sophia said firmly. “And I’m not going to leave it lying around and having her miss out because I was an idiot.”

Stephanie caught up and gripped her arm, slowing her a bit. “Hey, it’s not your fault, okay?” she said. “It was a lot for both of you, and we, the sponsors, should’ve seen someone put that mistletoe up on the tree last minute. We had cleared the hall of it before the party started. And we should’ve actively discouraged you two from following through.”

“Still, I’m the only one who can fix it,” Sophia said, frowning briefly and continuing on, breaking Stephanie’s gentle grip and continuing down the hall. She got to Nerys’s door and knocked on it. “It’s Sophia,” said just loud enough, she felt she could be heard. “Can I come in? I’m not mad, honest.”

She had to wait for a bit, she could hear them talking quietly and wasn’t sure if Mary or Nerys would be okay with it. She finally heard the lock cycle, and Mary opens the door and gives her a look. “You can speak with him, but be nice,” she said, arching an eyebrow, and Sophia noted the pronoun. She had feared as much. She nodded and let Mary come out into the hall before she went in.

***

Kirk had conked out surprisingly quickly last night after Mary left, but he woke up at 0500 and no amount of tossing or turning would let him get back to sleep. He lay there staring at the clock on his phone as it played music. He had some book open on it but wasn’t really reading. There wasn’t much else to do besides think until someone came along and bothered him, like he knew they inevitably would.

And despite trying to occupy his mind with reading and music, he couldn’t help but think about everything that had happened. Stupid Kirk. Or was it stupid Nerys? He knew that her time was coming, and that he would be her. Hell, he had been her last night and he’d loved it. If he could let himself forget the ending, he would’ve been smiling. The clothes felt wonderful, and Sophia — Sophia was stunning and so kind to him… to her.

But then he fucked it up. It wasn’t that he didn’t like her. She was his first real friend in he couldn’t remember how long — of course he liked her! And he had liked the kiss if he was being honest with himself, but then his brain just locked up and ran away from her. Ran from who he will be if he’s to leave here and see the sky again.

Kirk knew that before too long it would be breakfast, and he would have to see her again. Maybe Mary will let me eat in my room for the remainder of my stay under Dorley Hall. He barked a laugh at that thought into the void. No; Mary was honestly nice once he had gotten to know her, but even she had limits to her largesse. She had told him that the programme had expectations for her and for him, and that decisions like that could be overruled by the senior sponsors.

He frowned and tried briefly again to read, to no success. Sophia almost definitely hated him, he was sure of it. Kirk ran off after her big debut, which was probably a far bigger deal for Sophia than it had been for him. She had wanted it, likely craved it, she had probably been fantasizing about going to a fancy dinner party as herself for ages. And then he wrecked it by running away from her when she kissed him.

Kirk looked again at the phone’s clock, it was 0830, and he was surprised the alarm still hadn’t gone off. Over the music, he heard rustling in the hall; some of the boys must be going to take showers, despite the lack of the alarm. He heard a gentle knock at his door. Is it Sophia? he wondered. Maybe she had decided to just go upstairs to live permanently; he remembered that one of the third years at their table last night said that had happened before. Katy, was it? Too many new faces and names. And they had all been where he is now? Even Mary?

The knock recurred, louder this time. “I know you’re awake in there. Can I come in?” he heard Mary call through the door.

Kirk thought for a moment. “What if I said no?” he responded, not sure if he was talking loud enough.

There was a brief pause. “I’d leave you alone,” Mary said. “For now. But I can’t do that forever.”

Kirk sighed. No, he knew she couldn’t and this was coming eventually. “Whatever, come in if you want, doesn’t matter,” he said and felt conflicted as to which response he would prefer.

He heard the lock cycle and quickly put his phone down as Mary came in. “Merry Christmas,” she said, smiling warmly, and closed and locked the door behind her. “Would you mind answering one question?”

“Uggh, fine, what is it?” he asked, rolling his eyes. The list of questions she was likely to ask wasn’t all that long, and he didn’t like the thought of any of them.

“Are you Kirk or Nerys?”

Kirk sat upright and tilted his head as he looked at her, confused and anxious. That was a bit surprising. “Is that a… trick question?” he asked hesitantly.

Mary smiled faintly. “No, no trick,” Mary said, smiling and sitting down next to him. “We both know that in the end, you will be a girl. Whether she winds up being Nerys or someone else is still to be seen. But. I would allow you this backslide for the time being. So long as you understand it can’t be permanent. You have to keep moving mostly forward.”

Kirk nodded slowly as she talked. “I understand… I’m… I’m Kirk, for now,” he said, unable to meet her eyes. He felt like he was letting her down, but he just couldn’t be Nerys right now.

“Well then, Kirk,” she said brightly, and Kirk heard no hesitation. “Do you want to get cleaned up and join us all in the common room? We’ve got hot chocolate and some fantastic danishes and presents.” She stood and offered her hand to him.

“No, uh, that’s okay, can I just… can I stay in here?” he asked, hoping that her generosity with his name would extend to this request.

“You can,” Mary said, smiling. “I would even bring you some of the food if you'd like, but first, can I ask why?”

“I uh…” he couldn’t say it, his voice trailed off. He sat there and started pulling himself up into a ball, staring resolutely at his feet. He felt tears at the corners of his eyes, but they wouldn’t come.

Kirk felt Mary’s weight land on the bed next to him again. Even with recent events, this still surprised him, as she put her arm around him and pulled him into her. “Honestly, why don’t you want to?” Mary asked warmly. “No judgements from me. But it’s Christmas, and there are gifts, and Sophia will be there, and I know she would like to see you there.”

Oh. There are the tears, he thought. She hugged him tighter, and it took him an unknowable period of time to stop. Time lost meaning. When his mind finally started slowing down and his tears dried up. “She hates me,” he whispered. “I’m sure of it —” He took a shuddering breath before finding more tears.

Mary merely continued hugging him, and waited until he continued. “— I ruined her perfect evening, her debut, and I rejected her. And, and even if she does like-like Nerys, I’m not her. Not yet, and… and she’s going to hate me for it —”

Mary sat there, and he felt her other hand break off to do something, but then he felt it wrap back around him. He didn’t know what else to say and just sat there crying. “So I know enough about Sophia to know she absolutely does not hate you,” Mary said warmly, continuing to hold him. “Not over last night, or even the content you used to make degrading people like her. She cares about you, as a friend, and yes, maybe something more. It’s you she sees, not the you that you were, or the you that you will be, but the whole you.”

Kirk wanted to believe her, but he couldn’t, and then his phone’s alarm started going off, playing some Christmas jingle. Mary again freed a hand and reached over to silence the alarm before wrapping it back around him. He just sat there in her arms, trying not to spiral. He wasn’t sure how much time passed, but eventually, there was a knock at the door. “It’s Sophia, can I come in? I’m not mad, honest,” he heard Sophia say through the door.

Mary relaxed her hug, so Kirk could look at her directly. “While I think you should go get breakfast and be out there and get your presents,” she said, smiling at him. “You don’t have to talk to Sophia if you aren’t ready, either here or out there, okay?”

He nodded slowly. “I kind of want to talk to her,” he said, sounding as unsure as he felt. “But could you, could you be nearby at least?”

Mary smiled brightly at him. “I’ll be right outside, okay?” she said. “If, for some reason, she upsets you, just holler, and I’ll get her to leave, okay?”

“Okay. Thank you, Mary,” Kirk said, smiling faintly back at her.

“I really should tell you some about Evelyn and mine’s history,” Mary said as she stood. “But another time, okay?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” he said, not sure what else to say.

Mary went over to the door and cycled the lock and stepped out into the hall, and he heard her talking briefly with Sophia. Then she pushed the door open and gave Kirk another smile as Sophia stepped inside.

Sophia was wearing a cute set of sleep wear and a nicer robe then the boys had, and he noticed she had her necklace on. “Merry Christmas, Kirk?” she said, smiling warmly, but also as if she were unsure of what name to use.

“Oh, uh, yeah, Kirk, that’s my name,” he said and chuckled nervously. “Merry Christmas, Sophia.”

“I meant what I said outside, by the way,” Sophia said, sitting on the desk chair. “I’m not mad; to be honest, I was worried you were mad at me.” She laughed with a matching level of nerves to his own, and smiled weakly at him. “What a pair we make, huh?”

Kirk chuckled nervously. “We, do,” he said, smiling weakly back at her. “So, how is it out there?”

“You know, same old, same old,” Sophia said, rolling her eyes theatrically. “Randal is annoyed by my name, I couldn’t stand being called the wrong name anymore. The danishes are simply scrumptious, though, and you have to come try one before the sponsors gobble them up!”

“I uh, we still need to talk more,” Kirk said slowly. “But okay, fine, I’ll come try one of these danishes I keep hearing so much about.”

Sophia stood giggling and offered her hand to help Kirk up, and he took it. “We absolutely will talk more,” she said, pulling him closer and giving him a half hug. “Later, okay? After lunch maybe? So that we’ve got something besides sugar in us.”

He nodded and accepted her hug, which she quickly broke. “Yeah, that sounds smart,” he said, and then realized he was only in his boxers and a t-shirt and blushed. He had kicked off the joggers sometime in the night, he remembered. Kirk immediately went to the wardrobe to get a clean pair of joggers and saw his leggings sitting there next to them and hesitated.

Sophia must have noticed his hesitation. “It’s okay, you know,” she said quietly. “I’ll be there for you either way, no matter what you are wearing.”

He nodded. “Would you, uh, mind stepping out in the hallway, so I can change?” he asked nervously.

“Sure, Kirk, see you in a bit,” she said brightly. She quickly turned and cycled the lock and went out into the hallway, leaving him alone again.

He wanted to go back to just being Kirk. The Kirk of old who didn’t know that leggings could actually feel good, and not just as a joke on a caption. Of course, if he wore the leggings, he had to wear the tunic top as well. He wasn’t about to try to figure out how Sophia hid her dick. Reduced his may be, it still showed in the leggings. He frowned, it would make Sophia happy if he did, but he’d also have to change to briefs, and he had been feeling his stomach rumble with hunger for a while now. Kirk grabbed at a pair of joggers and then decided to give her something, and swapped his t-shirt for the tunic length top over the joggers and his bra.

After he finished dressing, he braced himself as he reached for the door. He pulled it open slowly and stepped out into the hallway, worried about everyone’s reaction.

***

He wasn’t sure why that freak James got up and left, or why his sponsor followed him out of the common room, but good riddance to both of them. Maybe he would get lucky and they wouldn’t come back. Randal wouldn’t even be here, but Maria said it wasn’t optional and pulled her taser on him. He hated Christmas, the teeming hordes of masses flocking to spend money on things people didn’t even want. Knowing this lot, the ‘gifts’ they promised would probably be things he didn’t want either.

He knew active resistance was a one-way ticket to a worse hole. He wanted out, and the only way out he could see was through, but he didn’t have to go along easily or nicely about it. If — when, he corrected himself — he got out of here, he was going to bring a world of hell down on this place and everyone involved.

He smiled inside, careful not to let it show outwardly. This place was honestly potentially the greatest gift he had would ever get in his life. He would get to bring them all down. Not just the ones here, but all the freaks everywhere. It was for their own good — their delusions were hurting themselves and others. No one would stand with the freaks after the truth of this place was known. He would be a hero.

Maria had told him his site was completely offline — that his users had scattered and were disorganized following his disappearance — but it didn’t faze him. He could and would rebuild it better than before, and even without it, he could still destroy Dorley Hall.

Also, fuck Brent. He had promised additional funding when they got out, but the asshole had no self-control. Did he like James? No. Did he think all those words were apt? Sure. But he wasn’t about to say them — not in here at least. And he had never and would never commit that kind of violence directly. Maria had shown him the video of Brent attacking James in an effort to shock him. And it had — a bit. He had seen videos of violence before — on AltChan and elsewhere — but none that were actually that close to ‘home’ so to speak. He tried not to let his shock show, although Maria had noticed somehow — she was always far too observant for his taste.

The doors opened and interrupted his train of thought. He glanced up and saw James walk back in. Ugh. And then he saw that James was holding hands with Kirk. Again. UGH. He wanted to puke. To swear at them. To get them to understand that they were freaks and society hated them. He took a closer look as they were followed in by Stephanie and Mary. Kirk was even in one of those stupid long tops he sometimes wore now. And he had a necklace on, just like James’s. Ugh. Get a room. Probably had each other’s pictures in them.

They grabbed more food and came over and sat on the beanbags that Stephanie and James had vacated. He wouldn’t deny the danishes had been decent, but nowhere near as good as the others seemed to think, much less worth a second one. He kept glaring in their general direction — all Maria would let him get away with. She was still standing right next to him, taser in hand, and he knew she wasn’t afraid to use it.

Kirk smiled after trying his danish. “Holy crap, Sophia, these are good!” he said excitedly.

“Told you!” James said, and smirked. Randal rolled his eyes and huffed a bit. Maria tapped him in the shoulder again, and he tried to remember to keep in control. He just had to get through this somehow.

Suddenly, the double doors from the hall burst open and one of the sponsors in a red Mrs Claus outfit came in. She was flanked by a couple more in Elf costumes, each of them carrying a bag. The one in the Mrs Claus outfit chuckled loudly, and projected in the small space, “MERRY CHRISTMAS! Have you all been good little girls?”

“Well, some of them have, anyway!” Stephanie piped up quickly. “The rest still have a ways to go, Santa!”

“I don’t think you could have enough coal for all those who haven’t been good in those bags!” Maria chimed in. Randal rolled his eyes, and she tapped him on the shoulder again. How she could even see from her angle he didn’t know.

“I don’t know, these bags are pretty heavy! There could be a lot of coal in here,” one of the elves quipped, and winked exaggeratedly.

“Do I have to participate?” Randal looked up at Maria and asked. “We didn’t celebrate Christmas in my house.” He hoped she would let him out of this, just because it was straining his ability to keep from screaming. The utter farce of it all. Like a god-damn panto show.

Maria looked down at him. “I’ve seen your phone’s contents,” she said, frowning. “I know you did Christmas every year. That scarf you got your mum last year was really nice, by the way. Where did you get it?”

“Ooh! What color was it?” James spoke up, grinning at Maria.

“It was green,” Maria said brightly. “With, like, sparkly metallic thread woven through it; it was very pretty”

“Oh! Nice,” James said. “Could I see the picture later?”

He couldn’t stand it — James had no right. “Fuck off, James,” he said angrily. “It’s none of your business.”

“Sophia,” Kirk quickly corrected him. He said it with more conviction than Kirk usually managed about anything he said or did.

“Oh come on, you can’t honestly expect me to play along with that?” Randal whined.

“Can too,” Maria said, poking him in the shoulder again with her taser. “Use the wrong name for Sophia in anger, and you’ll be getting your presents in a cell.”

Shit. He did not need a third strike. Not for this. He shut up and seethed inside. “Well!” The one in the Mrs Claus outfit said with the same projection. “Certainly sounds like we’ve got some grumpy girls this year!” Randal turned to look and realized that while he was arguing, they had set up over by the doors to the dining room, and were opening their bags. “First up, we’ve got some gifts for all of you, each one’s basically the same, so don’t fret, we care about all of you. Even you, Randal!”

He rolled his eyes again. Whatever. He wished they would get this over with. The first elf opened her bag and pulled out seven packages, all roughly the same size and shape, and then walked over and started handing them out. He was the last to get one, the elf said and smiled as she handed the wrapped box to him, “For you, Randal!”

“Okay, girls,” Mrs Claus said, grinning broadly at them. “Go ahead and open them!”

Randal sighed; he set his aside, only for Maria to nudge him with her taser. Fuck. Fine. He picked it back up and started slowly unwrapping it. He wanted it over, but he also didn’t want to cooperate, and they wanted him tearing into it. Randal peeled the tape and then slowly unwrapped it to find a common gift box — with a pastoral winter scene on the lid with girls in old-fashioned outfits playing in the snow. He saw out of the corner of his eye what the others had found in theirs, and he really didn’t want to open his. But again, Maria nudged him, and he opened the box and found what they had. Bras, four each of sports and regular bras.

Mrs Claus didn’t wait for him to process this new indignity. “Would you look at that girls? Your first bras!” she said enthusiastically. “Well, not the first for all of you.”

Ugh, Randal thought, of course the freaks over there already wore them. He had seen lines that made him wonder, but he didn’t look close because he just didn’t care that much. “And,” Mrs Claus said, breaking through his thoughts. “You will be expected to start wearing them. Don’t worry, though — if you don’t know how to put one on, your sponsor can teach you!”

“What?” Grant asked angrily, tossing his aside. “You want us to wear these? Why?”

Grant’s sponsor lowered herself closer to him, her taser out and aimed. “Because growing girls need support,” she said loudly enough for all to hear. “Also, the t-shirts we give you down here can be really itchy. I know you’ve complained about it; now you won’t have to.”

“Ugh, fine, whatever,” Grant said and rolled his eyes.

Weakling. Randal made a mental note to lay into him at the earliest opportunity where he wouldn’t get immediately punished for it. “We mean you too, by the way,” Maria said quietly, leaning down closer to him. He flashed a look at her in anger, and she just waggled her taser at him. FUCK.

The other elf had started opening her bag and was pulling out irregular sized packages. What nonsense does hers contain? he thought with a shudder.

“We have a couple of individual gifts for each of you,” Mrs Claus said brightly. “And for those, we will go one at a time, so we can all see what people got! Who are we starting with, Ellen?”

The elf she called Ellen looked at the boxes she had gotten out and picked the top one up. “Looks like it’s Randal! You’re our lucky first!” she said, grinning.

Randal sighed, and waited as Ellen brought over a decent sized rectangular box. He took it from her reluctantly after Maria tapped him on the shoulder. It wasn’t terribly heavy, but bigger than the first by far, and he started to unwrap it until he got to the inner box, and tore the tape on it to open it, and it immediately expanded open; the plush inside the box had been compressed to fit in it. He pulled at the grey-blue form and realized quickly what it was. Blåhaj, a shark plush from Ikea that was a meme in the trans ‘community.’ Ugh. He frowned at it and sat it beside him. Maria at least doesn’t make him pick it back up.

“Oh, that’s cute,” Mary said brightly.

“Thanks! I found it and immediately thought of him,” Ellen said, grinning. “Pretty sure his site had a few threads dedicated just to it.”

Randal rolled his eyes and tried to zone out as the others opened their things one by one, but he wasn’t terribly successful. Owen was next and got a Doctor Barbie — Fitting, Randal thought with a smirk. James got a big doll of some sort and immediately leapt up and hugged Stephanie in thanks. Kirk was last, and he pulled out a large teddy bear, in some sort of stupid rainbow print, and he looked at Mary and smiled and told her thanks. Ugh.

“Well! Some nice things, certainly,” Mrs Claus said, grinning. “But I’ve got the best ones!”

They started the round up again, and he wasn’t first this time, at least. Possibly worse, though, he wound up last. He tried to ignore Kirk getting a skirt, and James getting a freaking makeup kit and, again, hugging Stephanie for it. He noted she never had her taser out around him anymore. Maybe Brent was right the first time and he was a collaborator. But he was probably just a freak.

Mrs Claus came over to him and handed him a box that was smaller than his first one. “From me to you, Randal. I hope you enjoy them — I know I did!” she said, grinning.

He didn’t know this girl either. Didn’t matter. He would take her down along with the rest. He opened the box and found something knit in pink, white and blue, and he pulled it out and realized it was a pair of long socks, striped in pink, white, and blue. Ugh. He knew exactly what the joke was. He was not amused. Maria poked him in the shoulder. “You should say thank you to Mia, Ellen, and Evelyn,” she said with a stern look on her face. “They put significant effort into picking these things out!”

He growled at Maria and turned back to the presents. “Thank. You.” he said, clipping his syllables short and rolling his eyes. He put the socks beside him with the shark plush.

“You would look cute in those, you know?” James said, grinning.

“Fuck you, James,” he said. It came out in such a hurry, purely automatic, and as soon as he said it, he knew his mistake as all eyes looked at him.

“It’s Sophia!” Kirk shouted at him.

Fuck it. In for a penny, in for a pound, he thought. “Why the fuck do you care, Kirk?” he said, shooting a glare at Kirk.

“Because I care about Sophia!” Kirk whined angrily.

“Well, fuck you too, Kirk!” Randal shouted.

“It’s NERYS,” Kirk shouted, and suddenly, everyone in the room was shouting.

What. The. Fuck. Before he could process it properly, though, a disembodied voice called out loudly from the PA system, distorted, “THAT’S ENOUGH, Mr Stevenson.”

Then Maria was jabbing him with her taser, and he realized several of the other girls were aiming the longer range ones at him. “Get up, Randal,” Maria said coldly.

Fuck.

***

Well, that was surprising, Stephanie thought. But there were other things to do first. She watched as Randal got up slowly with his arms up and out and walked out from the couches until he was in a more open space. All the primary sponsors had their tasers aimed at their charges; even though she knew Sophia wouldn’t do anything, appearances demanded she do the same for now. Evelyn produced some cuffs from the bottom of her bag. Smart having them with her, honestly, Stephanie thought. This was always a bit risky; the boys who weren’t quite girls yet often got upset about their girly gifts.

And then Nerys! You go, girl! she cheered inside. Time enough to worry about her later, though. As soon as Randal was escorted out of the room, the other sponsors started backing down. The boys mostly remained calm, although they were all still looking at Nerys.

The PA system hummed back to life after Randal had been guided out of the room. “Merry Christmas, all,” Aunt Bea said evenly. “Apologies for the interruption. Let this serve as a reminder that shouting matches are at best frowned upon, and using people’s previous names in anger is absolutely not allowed. Mistakes happen, but using them with intent to hurt is not allowed,” Aunt Bea said. There was silence in the room. “I need you all to say I understand and agree.”

A chorus of “I understand and agree,” rang out from the assembled boys, Sophia and Nerys, although she noted a couple were a half a phrase behind and had probably been prodded by tasers.

“Who are you?” Derek asked, looking at the ceiling.

“You will meet me in time, Mr Connors,” Aunt Bea said flatly, “when you are a bit farther along.” With that, the PA system's slight idle hum clicked off.

With the shouting done, Stephanie kneeled next to and slightly behind Sophia, who had curled up again since Randal was escorted out, and she put her arms around Sophia. “Hey, you’re okay,” she said quietly. “I’m here, you’re safe. Do you want to get out of here for a bit? Until lunchtime?” Stephanie asked, but Sophia looked over at Nerys instead.

Nerys was also curling up, and Sophia reached out a hand to her shoulder. Stephanie saw Mary was positioned behind Nerys, roughly the same position as she was for Sophia. Sophia placed her hand on one of Nerys’s which was clutching tightly at her legs. “Want to get out of here?” Sophia whispered to Nerys. “Together?” Nerys nodded, first yes, then no, and couldn’t find words.

“You want to go back to your room, just us two?” Mary asked, and Nerys shook her head no. “Just you and Sophia?” Nerys shook her head no. “You want to just be alone?” Nerys shook her head no.

Nerys didn’t respond right away, but the three of them waited patiently. “I don’t know what I want,” Nerys finally whispered. “I just… I want… I want to take it back. All of it.”

Mary nodded and hugged her tighter. “Bit late for that, sweetie,” she said. “But let's get you out of here.” She stood and helped Nerys get up and started heading towards the door with her.

Sophia looked back at Stephanie. “Can we go too?” she asked quietly.

Stephanie nodded, and helped her uncurl and get up and walked towards the doors to the hallway. She saw Nerys and Mary head towards the bedrooms as they left the common room. When Sophia was out the door into the hallway, she started to turn to follow, but Stephanie stopped her with a gentle but firm grip. “Woah, let Mary deal with Nerys, okay?” she said. “Let's go upstairs for a bit.”

“Are you sure? I… I want to…” Sophia said, tears in her eyes.

“I know you want to help her, but you both deserve some care after all that, okay?” Stephanie said, looking at Sophia in the eyes and smiling. “And she needs time to process what she just did, and without you as added pressure, okay?”

“Okay,” Sophia said, sounding unsure and still looking towards the bedroom hall as she turned towards the stairs.

The double doors opened behind them and Ellen poked her head out. “Oh! You’re still here!” she said. “Are we headed upstairs?”

“Yeah,” Sophia said, not sounding as enthusiastic as she usually did about getting out of the basement.

“Mind if I join you?” Ellen asked. “Mia and Evelyn are sticking around to balance out the load here until lunchtime.”

“Sure Ellen, that sounds nice,” Sophia said quietly, and Stephanie walked with her arm around Sophia while Ellen went ahead in her elf costume to open the doors for them. They ascended to the first basement, and Sophia held Stephanie back as she started to turn towards the stairs to the dining hall.

“This is, this is good enough, I don’t really want to go up to the hall again right now,” Sophia said quietly.

“Oh! Sure, let's go sit in the break room,” Stephanie said, turning around towards the break room. When they got seated on the couch, with Sophia between Ellen and Stephanie, Stephanie turned on some parade somewhere on the TV for background noise. Sophia had already curled up a bit, pulling her legs up, she noticed. “Sophia… I want to ask something,” Stephanie said quietly, “but you don’t have to answer. What was with the danishes?”

“Oh. Uh. That's… yeah, uh, it's nothing really,” Sophia said, stumbling over her words. “Danishes are what my family used to have every Christmas morning.” Stephanie noticed she immediately started making herself smaller again between them.

“Oh, I didn’t,” Stephanie said, worried about this immediate retreat. “I’ll make a note, no danishes.”

“It’s okay, you couldn’t have known,” Sophia said, her words muffled with her head buried in her knees. “Nor could Aisha. I uh, it's fine, and they were really good.”

“It really doesn’t sound like you’re fine,” Ellen said quietly. “You want to talk about it?”

“I uh, I didn’t journal or chat about this much really, it was too painful…” she said, her voice drifting off as she spoke.

Stephanie squeezed her a bit, hoping it would be reassuring. “It’s okay, you don’t have to tell us now,” she said quietly.

“No… I uh. I should,” Sophia said, raising her head slightly. “You should know. Christmas was when it fell apart. When they learned I was trans. When, uh, when I got kicked out….” Sophia took in shuddery breaths as she talked and tears started rapidly falling, she rapidly was unable to find the breath to speak even.

Stephanie just sat there holding Sophia with Ellen. She thought about texting Evelyn; religious trauma was usually her beat, but there would be time for that conversation later. For now, she just needed to help Sophia ride this out as well as she could. She glanced at Ellen and smiled faintly, and mouthed “Thank you,” at her.

Ellen smiled back in response, and mouthed back, “It’s okay.”

Eventually, Sophia cried herself out, her rambling story done. “Hey, Soph,” Stephanie said quietly. “You want to get some lunch? We don’t have to go back down yet, or up,” Stephanie said, it had taken quite awhile to calm her back down and her own stomach was wanting to rumble loudly.

“How’s Nerys?” Sophia asked quietly.

“Nerys is Mary’s issue, remember?” Ellen said quietly. “She will be okay eventually.”

“I want to go back down for lunch,” Sophia said, starting to uncurl a bit. “In case she’s there. I don’t want to leave her alone down there with them.”

“Okay,” Stephanie said. “But I’m not going to check with Mary this time. I make no promise that she will be there, or as Nerys.”

Sophia nodded as she put her feet back on the floor. “Still…” she said, trailing her voice off. “I want to be there.”

“Let's get you a bit cleaned up first,” Ellen said, grinning. “You’ve got a lot of sad girl going on.”

Sophia nodded, laughing weakly at Ellen. Stephanie and Ellen wiped at her tears, and made sure they got water in her before taking her back downstairs for lunch.

***

Kirk wasn’t sure what had come over him as he walked down the hall in silence. He knew, though, he was finished. Randal and the rest of the boys knew now. He could never run from Nerys now. Not really. Mary was behind him; his pace quickened as he walked down the hall, and he wished his door were just unlocked. Instead, he had to pause when he got to it while the lock cycled noisily, and soon he was inside. He started to shut it, but Mary had caught up — it wasn’t like his lead was that big.

She caught the door as he was shutting it and pushed her way in. “I’m sorry, I can’t just leave you alone right now,” she said, smiling at him as she entered.

He didn’t have any will to resist and let go and immediately went over and collapsed on the bed face down. He heard her shut the door and cycle the lock. Kirk heard some rustling noises and was pretty sure she had sat down on the desk chair. Tears formed, and he screamed wordlessly into his pillow. Stupid Kirk. Stupid Nerys. Stupid. Stupid. STUPID.

“It’s okay, you know, it happens,” Mary said quietly.

He pushed himself up off the pillow to look at her with horror. “The fuck it does!” he said angrily. “Boys don’t just blurt out that their name is a girl's name now! It’s all over.” He wailed and flopped back down on his pillow and screamed more.

“What’s over?” Mary asked.

“Me! Kirk!” Kirk said, his words muted by the pillow. “I’m done, even if they never really see me as Nerys, they won’t ever see me as Kirk again.”

“Is that such a bad thing?”

“I’m Kirk!” he said, turning to face her. “Who else could I be? I’m… I’m not like Sophia, I’m not trans.”

“You were Nerys last night,” Mary said, smiling at him. “And you looked like you were having fun.”

“That was… that was a one-time thing,” Kirk said, frowning.

“You do know it isn’t though, right?” Mary said, tilting her head to one side a bit. “That eventually all of you will be girls, just like all of us were once boys, right?”

“Of course I know! And I’m terrified of it!” Kirk said louder than he intended.

“Terrified of being a girl?”

“YES” Kirk shouted.

“What scares you about it?”

“That… that… I might like some of it…” he said quieter. “It’s… it’s not right! There are real trans people out there, and I’m just a freak. And of people like Randal… he’s… he’s never going to break… and then… and then everyone will… and even if not him…”

“Hey, no, you don’t have to worry about Randal, he’s down here, and either he reforms or he washes out,” Mary said firmly. “And there’s nothing wrong with liking being a woman, hell, I like it, and you know who I once was.”

“What was it like?” Kirk asked barely above a whisper.

“What?”

“You… you becoming… you…” Kirk said, unsure how to ask what he wanted to know.

“I won’t deny, it was hard,” Mary said, smiling faintly. “Getting past myself to admit the truth to myself nearly broke me completely. And, there were still rough spots that came even after that.”

“Wait, are… are you trans?” Kirk asked, arching an eyebrow.

“It took me a long time to claim that word for myself and believe it, but yes, I am trans,” she said quietly, still smiling at him. “Just the same, the orchi was hard for me, I backslid, I shoved at my sponsor beforehand. Not hard enough to hurt her, but enough. Afterward I kind of blacked out, when I came to in my room, I begged Tabby again to wash me out, thinking I was irredeemable. But she and Evelyn finally got through to me. Why Evelyn did, I will never fully understand, after how I had treated her, and Maria, and everyone else.”

“Wait, Tabby was your sponsor?” Kirk said surprised.

Mary laughed brightly. “Yes, it does get a bit small world around here sometimes,” she said, grinning. “She’s your grand sponsor, but my point is I did make it, she made it, we all made it, and so will you. Hell, you are a lot farther along than I was even as I graduated to the second year. You’re already claiming your name, even if you think it's scary and risky and bad to have done so, but it isn’t — it’s wonderful.”

“Did… did Tabby name you? Like you did for me?”

Mary laughed. “No, and I couldn’t choose one either. It was Evelyn who gave me my name — she said I needed a good biblical name to remind me that my actions are my own, and that I needed to be worthy of grace.”

“Oh,” Kirk said quietly.

“And to be clear, Christine supplied the name Nerys for you,” Mary said, smiling. “She’s obsessed with an old Star Trek show. But it seemed like a really nice name for you, and so I ran with it.”

Kirk sat there, lost in thought. Oh, that's why it sounded familiar. His mum had loved Star Trek. She put one series or another on for him on his tablet a lot when he would be sitting in the waiting room waiting for her to finish a shift when he was little. Tears of a different sort started flowing as he lay there, on his side, and he pulled his legs up tight. How could… no, Christine couldn’t have known, none of them could’ve? Fate? He didn’t believe in such things. Nerys is a pretty name, though, and he remembered her vaguely, she was strong. Why should he treat it so harshly, just because it wasn’t what his parents had named him? Who was Kirk but some lecherous old buffoon who would’ve been lost without Spock?

Mary came over and sat next to him and moved him to where she could hug him, and hold him as he cried. “It’s okay to be Nerys, you know,” she said quietly. “In your room, out there, in your head. And I know the adjustment is hard — hell, I didn’t start really accepting inside my head that I was Mary until I was helping cook dinner for Aunt Bea’s birthday. Tabby had helped me get all prettied up, and I saw myself for the first time properly that night. Saw Evelyn for the first time properly that night for that matter. Saw that not only could I be Mary, I could like being her.”

Kirk… Nerys… didn’t really know how to respond. He… she was just laying there crying for what felt like all morning and afternoon. But eventually, she was quiet, cried out. Mary stopped rubbing her back. “Do you want to eat some lunch?” she asked quietly.

“Oh, uh, out there?” Nerys said, pulling slightly out of the hug to look at Mary.

“If you'd like,” Mary said, smiling. “Or in here is fine. I admit I don’t know whether Sophia will be back down for lunch or not. If she is, I know she would be happy to see you… whichever you shows up.”

“No, uh, right,” Nerys said, confused for a moment over who else she could be, before realizing she wasn’t thinking of herself as Kirk anymore. “Randal’s not going to be there, right? And Carl and Grant are… well… they aren’t Randal.”

Mary sighed. “No, they certainly are not Randal,” she said, squeezing Nerys’s shoulder. “And he will absolutely not be there today or for the foreseeable future. Come on, you, let's get you cleaned up a bit, wipe that snot off your nose.”

“I uh, could I,” Nerys said, stumbling over her words, trying to find the bravery to ask. “Could I maybe try wearing the skirt Santa gave me this morning?”

“Oh! Sure! I’ll be right back with it, and your teddy bear and such,” Mary said cheerfully.

Nerys giggled. “I guess I’ll need to think of a name for him,” she said and smiled at Mary as she stood up from the bed.

“Or her!” Mary said and giggled as she opened the door and stepped out into the hall.

Being Nerys wouldn’t be so bad, would it? Nerys thought. Kirk’s life had sucked, honestly, and these people were offering her a fresh start. A true fresh start. Mary had even said last week she would help tutor her if she wanted a chance at uni.

She didn’t really have much time to think, Mary was back in all of a couple of minutes. When she came in, she was breathing a little heavy, and set the bundle of presents down on the bed. Nerys laughed at the bras and put them in the wardrobe with the few she already had, then set the teddy bear on the bed on her pillow. Mary stepped back out in the hall to let her change.

It wasn’t the first time she had worn a skirt, albeit the last time had been in the privacy of Sophia’s room. Now was Christmas lunch, and she was sure Sophia would be back down for it, hoping to see him, or her, or whatever.

Nerys put the skirt on slowly, and accidentally caught a brief glimpse of it in the mirror. Cute? Was that the right description? But she also realized it was pretty short and the basement was kept pretty cool. She shivered, she had definitely noticed the cold more the last month or so. Sophia said it was another hormones thing, and she didn’t doubt it. She quickly grabbed a pair of briefs, pulled a pair of leggings on, then put the skirt back on. She was pretty sure girls wore them like this sometimes, and it wasn’t like any of the boys down here knew any more about fashion than she did — not even with all those reality programs they had watched.

“I’m done”, she called through the door, no louder than needed to be heard.

Mary quickly stepped back inside, and immediately lit up upon seeing her, grinning broadly. “Oh my gosh, you are adorable in that! Sophia’s going to flip!”

Nerys laughed nervously. “I uh, yeah… uh, thank you,” she said and blushed furiously and turned away from Mary’s smile.

“Let's go eat a nice lunch,” Mary said, offering her hand. “And then you and Sophia can hang out and have a nice afternoon alone before dinner.”

“Thank you, Mary, for…” Nerys said, hesitating. “I don’t really know what for, but thank you.”

“You’re very welcome Nerys,” Mary said and opened the door and held it for her as they stepped out into the hall.

***

Sophia entered the dining room with Ellen and Stephanie and, so far, there were only other sponsors were in there setting out things to make sandwiches with. She tried to hide her disappointment, but Stephanie put her hand on Sophia’s shoulder “Remember, no promises,” Stephanie said quietly. “But I hope, for both of you, she comes to lunch.”

Sophia nodded. It wasn’t just that Nerys wasn’t here already — she was still conflicted about the whole thing. Nerys hadn’t wanted to be Nerys when she arrived in the basement, but this place pushed until she did, and now everyone in the basement more or less knew about her.

Grant and Carl came in shortly after, accompanied by their sponsors, and the four of them quickly started making sandwiches. Grant and Carl kept glancing at Sophia with mixed expressions; she wasn’t sure what they were thinking and was trying to ignore them. They hadn’t interacted much with her, preferring each other, and maybe Randal… or… Brent. She shuddered at the memory again.

Stephanie and Ellen started making sandwiches after the four of them had finished and left to the common room to eat. Sophia managed to wake back up from her thoughts and went to join them. It was nice bread, and some nice deli meats and various veggies, nothing too fancy, but she got hungrier as she made her sandwich and piled more meat on it.

As she finished making her sandwich, Derek and Owen came in. “Oh! Hi Sophia, we were a bit worried after that,” Derek said, smiling at her. “They took you to the left, and the only thing that way is the cells.”

“And the stairs,” Monica said, coming in behind him.

Owen looked back at Monica and Edy, who had just entered. “Wait, she went upstairs?” he asked, sounding confused. “That’s allowed?”

Sophia couldn’t suppress her laugh. “Yes, Owen, I did,” she said, smiling. “And it wasn’t the first time. Don’t worry, nothing bad happened to me.”

Owen shook his head. “Oh, right, the checkups on your foot,” he said. “But that’s healed, isn’t it? Also, it’s Christmas? Surely, not a checkup…”

Edy smiled at her charge as he started making a sandwich. “Sophia is cooperating and learning and working on being better,” Edy said warmly. “And cooperation comes with privileges, Owen, like sometimes getting to go upstairs, away from you lot.”

Derek smirked. “That honestly sounds so good right now,” he said as he reached for the mustard. “Not sure how many times I can hear you rant about mercury or whatever before I lose it.”

“Hey! I haven’t talked about that in, like, a month!” Owen protested.

Edy smirked. “No,” she said evenly. “But you did claim that the pandemic was a hoax just yesterday.”

“It was!” Owen said petulantly, as if that was somehow enough of an explanation. Sophia looked at Stephanie and Ellen, who were waiting by the doors into the common room with their plates, as Owen and Edy’s conversation continued without need for Sophia. They nodded and pushed the doors open, and the three of them walked away from Owen and Edy’s discussion, which would probably drag on for a bit, and into the common room.

In the common room, there were a few sponsors and girls standing around the edges, and Grant and Carl had taken one of the couches farther from the TV, with their sponsors taking the other next to it. Stephanie guided them to one of the metal tables, and sat down at it, and Ellen sat on one side of her and Sophia on the other facing Ellen. They talked a bit and took a few bites, and before long the doors from the dining room opened and Owen and Derek and their sponsors came out and occupied the couches near the tv.

The sandwiches and crisps were better than Sophia had expected — good quality ingredients and a change of pace from the still fairly veggie-heavy diet — but she was still preoccupied, wondering if Nerys really wouldn’t show up, or if Kirk would. And then when she was about half finished, the doors from the dining room opened again, and she turned to look and saw Nerys coming in. She nearly hurt herself trying to get out from behind the annoying metal table with their attached benches that were too close in.

“You came!” she said gleefully as she started to rush over to Nerys. As she did, though, she realized she was once again being ‘too much’ as Nerys’s face went from smiling faintly to filled with anxiety and stopped and simply waved and smiled and beckoned her over.

As Nerys and Mary came over, she saw what Nerys was wearing. Gosh, the skirt/leggings/tunic combo is cute on her, she thought, as she sat back down behind her plate. Nerys hesitated briefly but sat on the empty side of the table, while Ellen scooted over and Mary squeezed in beside Ellen between, her and Nerys.

No one had really said much, and then Ellen giggled loudly. “What’s so funny?” Nerys asked confused.

“Nothing, really,” Ellen said, smirking. “Just memories of our cohort’s time down here.”

Mary groaned. “Look, yes, you two are very gay and so am I and can we leave it at that?” she said and rolled her eyes theatrically. Ellen made as if to kiss Mary, but broke off giggling, which caused Mary to swat at Ellen, who dodged it handily.

Stephanie laughed. “Mary and Ellen sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S…” she said in a sing-song voice and waving her hands around.

Evelyn had just come in from the dining room and burst out laughing from across the room. “Oh, I see how it is!” she said in mock surprise. “Shacking up with Ellen, of all people!”

Mary laughed, and the assembled boys and Nerys looked like the sponsors had all gone mad. “She means nothing to me!” Mary said in mock indignation.

Evelyn came over carrying a plate of her own and scooted Stephanie over and sat beside her, winding up between her and Ellen. “You must forgive us, Sophia, Nerys,” she said, smiling at them. “We’ve known each other way too long, and our friendship is mostly made up of in-jokes and sarcasm.”

Stephanie put her arm around Evelyn and pulled her closer in a hug. “Love you, Sisters,” she said, smiling broadly at the table.

Mary and Ellen leaned into each other and smiled back. “Awww, we love you too, Steph,” Mary and Ellen said in unison, as if they’d practiced it.

Sophia noticed Nerys seemed nervous, and gently placed her hand near hers on the table, not quite touching, but close enough for Nerys to see it. Mary noticed too and leaned over towards Nerys. “Heya, how are you doing?” she asked quietly.

“I’m… okay…” Nerys said slowly, her voice belying the strain.

“We can be a bit much when we get going,” Mary said, smiling. “How about we all step back and let you and Sophia eat together, okay?”

“Sure, thanks Mary,” Nerys said. The four of them quickly stood up and moved to one of the other tables, leaving Nerys and Sophia alone.

“Are they always like that?” Nerys asked quietly. “You know, up there?”

Sophia smiled at Nerys. “Yeah. Up there, they’re quite different from how they are down here,” she said, smiling. “Their humour is just short of eldritch at times.”

“Oh, like the mugs they kept laughing at then hiding from me as soon as they had unwrapped?” Nerys asked. “I caught glimpses still.”

“Yeah, I’m not entirely sure if I get the humour of them,” Sophia said, smiling and picking her sandwich back up to take another bite. “But who am I to judge?”

They sat and ate and talked for a while, laughing about various events of the past twenty-four hours. “Want to get away from them for a bit?” Sophia asked when they had both finished their sandwiches. “To one of our rooms?”

“Oh, uh, sure, I need to speak with you,” Nerys said. “We can use your room, you’ve got more cushions anyway.”

Sophia smiled. “Sure, and I want to speak with you,” she said as she got up. She offered her hand to Nerys, who took it and scooted out from the table. They walked out of the room holding hands and oblivious to whatever looks they might have gotten from the boys. Sophia led the way to her room, and unlocked her door, so they could go in.

She sat on the bed and patted the bed beside her, but Nerys sat down on the desk chair opposite her. “So I want to confess something —” Sophia said.

Nerys held up a hand, interrupting. “No, I’m the one who has to apologize,” she said firmly. “I’m the one who went and wrecked your evening, I’m sorry — I’m not good Sophia, and I, I don’t understand how you could say you like me. I’ve done nothing but hurt trans women in the past, and I… I’m sorry. I don’t deserve anything from you.”

Sophia smiled and again patted the bed next to her. “Nerys, I have a confession to make.”

“What could you possibly have left to confess to me?” Nerys said, and leaned forward with a puzzled expression on her face.

“Before I learned what trans people are, before I knew I was one,” Sophia said, smiling faintly. “I accidentally found these awful stories about people forcing men to become women online. Well. Mockeries of women, anyway. For a time, that was how I coped with my desires. I told myself: ‘Self, this is just who you are. A pervert with a fetish. Men don’t want to be feminized!’ But truthfully, I did. I was raised in a very Christian household, and my entire environment emphasized that what I wanted was wrong, mortal sin level wrong — of course, to them, every sin was mortal sin level.

“I learned more about trans people eventually,” Sophia continued. “I stumbled on a story that wasn’t like the usual ones I read that got me to realize I wasn’t just seeking this for pleasure or perversion. I mean, sure, I’m finally starting to like how I look, but it’s just euphoria, I’m not constantly turned on by it. But before Dorley, I was alone and struggling and too ashamed to actually transition, much less able to afford it. And so in my darker hours, I went back to the old stories, to dream of someone just doing it to me.”

She paused, but held up a hand, and Nerys politely waited. “I mostly read stories, long form, without images. But, I did browse captions when my brain was too out of it to focus on the stories, and yes, I was aware some of the people who made them used trans women’s images. I didn’t tend to visit their pages as much. It’s possible I stumbled across some of yours even at some point, but I wouldn’t know even if you told me your handle, so don’t worry about that either.

“My point is, that, okay, maybe you did some bad things, but to say what you made was universally bad, or enough to make it so that you don’t deserve someone liking you, or even like-liking you. It’s just, it’s wrong, you’re wrong. Stuff like what you made helped me survive long enough to wind up here, in — what did Ellen call it? — ‘The cheery concrete girlboss torture box.’”

Nerys looked at Sophia and nodded slowly. “That’s, uh, wow, I… I didn’t know of anyone who was trans that read or liked that kind of thing,” she said and drifted off, and looked unsure what to say next.

Sophia again patted the bed next to her, and this time Nerys stood and came over to sit next to her. She put a more serious expression on before continuing. “Just to be clear, I’m not saying that completely balances your scale, and I’m not saying go out there and make more of those things, at least without permission for the images you use. It helped me survive, but at a cost. It was in some ways a form of self harm for me. I knew that afterward all I felt even more shame than before, and I know, there isn’t shame in wanting to be a woman. That's something I have to work on myself. I felt that I was somehow letting down every ‘real’ trans person, unlike the freak I pretty sure I was.”

Nerys took her hand. “I’m sorry still, okay?” she said quietly. “And I’m not going to make that kind of thing again. I’m glad you survived long enough to wind up here, even if it meant winding up stuck with people like me, and Randal, and… him.”

“Unneeded apology accepted, thank you Nerys. Also, you absolutely didn’t wreck my evening, you made my evening. Holy shit, you looked so cute. Thank you for coming, really, I think it would’ve been much less fun without you,” she said, smiling broadly. Sophia leaned over and pulled her into a hug. “I meant what I said still, by the way, just before you left the party. We should talk more about that, but here’s no rush. I like you and if someday you think you could like me back, so be it, but if not that’s okay too.”

Nerys reciprocated the hug and leaned her head against Sophia’s. “I like you too, but uh, maybe we take it slower?” Nerys said quietly. “I’ve been with someone before, but, uh, never like this. And I still don’t really know who I am.”

Sophia smiled as she hugged Nerys. She thought about kissing her on the cheek but stopped herself, another time. “Absolutely, at whatever pace you are comfortable with,” she said warmly, and released the hug. “What do you want to get up to this evening? I’ve got a makeup kit I could try on you!”

“Can we just, like, sit here and watch A Year in the Life?” Nerys asked quietly. “We never got around to it after finishing the main series, and I’m dying to know.”

Sophia laughed brightly. “We absolutely can,” she said, and she got the computer queued up to play it.

They sat there, leaning into each other and laughing and joking about the series and how off the rails everything had gone in the intervening years. Eventually, Stephanie knocked on Sophia’s door to inform them it was dinner time, and they went and joined the others for an admittedly very nice Christmas dinner with all the trimmings, even crackers. It was fun, and for a moment, she could just forget what all was still to come for the boys who will be girls.

***

Jessica’s phone buzzed. It was late on Christmas day; she had forgotten to set it to silent because almost no one ever texted or called. It was a text message from an unknown number.

Unknown: We need to talk about your kid.