Chapter 14: Dodge this.

2020 December 19, Saturday

Jessica had just finished putting the decorations on the tree, and was digging into the next box of decorations for the mantle. It was an unseasonably nice day; the curtains were open, letting the light in to catch on the shiny baubles on the tree. A concession to her family’s traditions more than anything her husband was interested in.

“Jessica!” her husband Malcolm shouted from upstairs, loudly enough the neighbors probably heard, and she shivered. She had tried telling him before that being so loud drew attention they wouldn’t want. She turned to look as she heard him stomp down the stairs and came into the living room clutching a couple of bits of unidentified cloth in his hands. “Did you know about these?” he demanded.

“Did I know about what?” she asked, nervous, Malcolm angry was never good. He unfurled the bits of fabric and held them out — the one was a flowery sundress, and the other was a midi jean skirt. Both kind of basic, but cute enough for a teenager, she thought briefly. “I don’t recognize them; they aren’t mine. They wouldn’t fit me anyway — they’re too small.”

“Exactly! And do you know where I found them?” he demanded.

“Not my closet, that much I know,” she said, looking worried; there weren’t exactly many options.

“Our son’s bedroom!” he practically spat the word, and she flinched reflexively.

“Maybe some girl left them over here?” she said, frowning. She couldn’t think of the last girl who had been around, much less that would have left not one but two articles of clothing behind. The last time she could remember was a pot luck they hosted summer-before-last, before all this COVID nonsense.

“He’s not allowed girls in his room!” Malcolm said angrily, as if she didn’t know the rules. “Has he been sneaking them in when I’m not around?”

“No! Not when I’m around, anyway!” Jessica said knowing the windows of time were never that large. What could James be up to? she thought. “I’m not even sure he talks to girls! He never mentions any from school or church.”

“Well, we are going to have a serious talk when he gets home,” Malcolm said, growling.

“Yes, dear, but please — be calm,” Jessica said quietly. “I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation for it.”

“I’ll be calm when I know there isn’t a sinner living under my roof!” he said loudly and stomped over to his chair. After he sat down in it loudly, he picked up his well-worn Bible from the end table and started leafing through it.

James was out jogging, one of the few things he seemed to enjoy doing in his spare time. She wasn’t sure when he would be back, so she went back to putting out the nativity set lest Malcolm turn his attention to her idleness. Her hands were shaking with nerves, and she nearly dropped the angel, but managed to keep it from shattering before hanging it up above the mantle. Her husband was right, an explanation was needed, but she knew that what was to come would be a fight, no real explanations would be had. Just as she put out the last piece, the front door opened and James came in and immediately called out, “going to take a shower! Will be down for dinner.”

“Stop right there, James!” Malcolm shouted, putting his Bible down with a sharp thud and standing quickly, pointing a finger at her son.

James turned around from the stairs he had started climbing and approached the living room cautiously. “What’s up?” he asked, calmer than she could’ve managed. Jessica Sutton knew James’s tone was trying to be calm, but she could see the fear in his eyes. She tamped down her emotions, her sympathy for him; it was good a son was afraid of his father, as his father was the head of the household and God said it should be so.

“What are these things and why were they in your room?” Malcolm said, holding out the two garments in a clenched fist.

She watched as her son came up short very briefly before smiling faintly. “Oh, those were for some stupid project at school,” he said evenly. She wasn’t entirely sure she believed him, but she desperately wanted it to be that simple.

“Liar!” Malcolm said, practically spitting it. “Not only do I have a fornicator living under my roof, he’s a liar too!”

“I’m not!” James protested. “They were for a class on sociology! Boys vs. girls nonsense!”

“Then why were they hidden? And why do you still have them?” Malcolm accused moving closer to James, and dropping the garments on the ground.

“Why were you looking?” James asked indignantly. “This is why they were hidden — I was terrified of how you would react. I like my school, and I didn’t want you going down there and yelling at the headmaster.”

“And why do you still have them if it was for an assignment that's over?”

“Because I forgot about them,” James said, shrugging. “It was months ago.”

“I don’t believe you,” Malcolm said, getting right up in front of James. “I will be calling people to confirm. For the moment, consider yourself grounded until further notice. No internet, no computer, nothing but your Bible study.”

“Yes, father,” James said, defeated. She watched as he turned to head up the stairs. She wanted to go to him, to comfort him. But she knew she couldn’t. Wasn’t what was done. It would be undermining Malcolm’s authority over the household.

“Find me the numbers for the headmaster and his Sociology teacher,” Malcolm said, turning towards Jessica, still standing by the mantle.

“Dear, it’s a Saturday,” she said quietly. “The weekend before Christmas; the office will be closed.” She hoped that it wouldn’t be too over the line.

“Do the best you can, and be quick about it,” Malcolm said and sat back down in his chair, picking his bible back up and flipping it open.

She started saying prayers in her head as she went to the family computer to start looking for the numbers. Your grace is your most precious gift…

2024 January 2, Tuesday

Sophia sat bolt upright in a cold sweat, her hands clenched into fists gripping the sheets. She shakily turned to look up, and the light strip indicated it was still the middle of the night. The nightmare was back. She would’ve screamed loudly if she could find the breath to do so. She tried to remember the things she had learned from online. Deep slow breaths. Close your eyes. Find your center. She got mostly calmed down, but after an hour of trying and failing to get back to sleep, she shoved the covers aside and rotated upright. “Fuck it,” she said quietly to no one, and got out of bed and put in her robe.

Sophia knew she probably wasn’t supposed to be out wandering at this time of night, but she didn’t care. She was hungry, but the dining room didn’t really have anything in the way of snacks, so she started unlocking doors on her way up to the security office. She tried to remember to lock them behind her, but she was so out of it she wouldn’t have been able to say whether she had or not. As she came out of the last set of doors at the top of the stairs, she saw Evelyn was on duty, having taken some night shifts with Brent gone. “Sophia, hi. Couldn’t sleep?” Evelyn said, catching sight of her, leaning around to see better from her seat on the couch.

“No,” Sophia said, sounding as weary as she felt. Sophia headed towards the break room and started digging in the limited box of snacks. She settled on a bag of crisps and was about to flop on the couch in the break room.

“You want to talk about it?” Evelyn called from the security office.

She paused in the middle of opening the bag. She knew she probably should talk about it to someone. “I, uh, maybe, a bit,” she said quietly. “Is that ok? Don’t you have cameras to monitor?”

Evelyn laughed. “It’s past midnight, and we’ve got motion detection set up on the room cameras and the hallway,” she said. “It will beep if any of them move, well, except your room.”

“Okay,” Sophia said quietly and turned to head back into the security office. Sophia sat slowly on the couch, at the other end from Evelyn, who was sitting cross-legged and partly sideways, so she could still see the screens, and had a textbook open on her lap.

“So, any particular reason you can’t sleep?” Evelyn asked, smiling, and closing her textbook and setting it behind her. Her voice was so kind, and quiet, although she had seen Evelyn dealing with Brent, and she knew she could be scary if needed.

“I, well, nightmares,” Sophia said, shrugging. “You know how it is.”

“Oh, that’s rough,” Evelyn said, smiling faintly. “I had nightmares for a lot of years, but I’ve been doing better.”

“I had thought I was past it, I hadn’t had this one in months…” Sophia said quietly.

“Do you mind if I ask, what it’s about?” Evelyn said, moving a bit closer to Sophia on the couch.

“I, it’s okay, maybe I should talk about it with someone…” Sophia said, looking away, her bag of crisps forgotten.

“If you’d rather talk to Steph, I can wake her up for you?” Evelyn offered and started to reach for her phone.

“No!” Sophia said, sharper than intended. “No, sorry, didn’t mean to shout. I mean, it’s not that I don’t want to speak with her, but uh, she needs her sleep.”

“It’s okay, and Sophia, she cares about you, she would be okay with it,” Evelyn said, reaching out a hand towards Sophia’s shoulder and patting it gently.

“I know she does,” Sophia said quietly and slowly. “And I know she would be okay with being woken up, but I’m already a walking bundle of guilt, I don’t need more.”

“There’s nothing to feel guilty about needing someone, Sophia,” Evelyn said, smiling kindly at her.

Sophia took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Please just let her sleep, it’s okay,” Sophia said, trying to calm herself back down. “If you’re willing, I can talk to you about it.”

“Of course,” Evelyn said, putting her phone back down. “Happy to listen.”

“Might.… might even be better to talk to you…” Sophia said, stumbling over her words. “You're, uh, there was, uh, something religious in your past, right? Stephanie mentioned something in passing.”

“There is,” Evelyn said evenly, nodding seriously, before putting her smile back.

Evelyn’s smile could get the worst person to confess. Well. Perhaps not the worst, but certainly me, as tired as I am, Sophia thought. “I uh, it’s about when I got kicked out,” Sophia said slowly. “In the dream, I’m reliving the weeks leading up to it and… and it’s…” Sophia ran out of what she knew to say, there simply weren’t strong enough language. “My father, my mom, the pastor…”

“It’s a nightmare, that’s what they are,” Evelyn said, placing and keeping her hand on Sophia’s shoulder. “You don’t need to try to describe it in detail. Not now.”

“Do you… do you still believe?” Sophia asked quietly.

Evelyn paused briefly before responding. “Yes, but, I am here for my Sisters regardless of whether they believe or not,” Evelyn said. “If they’ve been hurt by religion, I want to help them heal, in whatever form that takes. Do you?”

“I’m uncertain if I ever did, everyone told me I did,” Sophia said distantly. “I went through the motions, but it was all so hollow. They… they told me people like me were… freaks, perverts, sinners, and that I was going to hell for eternity. They didn’t know anything about me, not until… not until the end…” As she finished, she started to feel the tears forming.

She curled up and felt Evelyn move closer and then pull her into a hug. Evelyn wasn’t big, but her hug was warm and friendly. “They’re wrong, you know, you aren’t any of those things,” Evelyn said confidently. “As for hell, if it’s not real, then you can’t go there. Even if it is, any heaven that cast you out for existing as yourself? Not worth being in.

“I grew up the son of a pastor, the founder of an extremely culty sect, ‘The New Church of something something’, and I was being raised as a void to put things into. Hate. Bigotry. Violence. To be the next generation of leader of it —“

“— Wait, was it New Church of Abundant Life?” Sophia said, turning to face Evelyn, pain in her face.

“Yeah, that’s the one,” she responded quietly.

“Holy shit, that’s… holy shit,” Sophia said, panic rising. “Pastor Kyle is your father? He’s who…” She started pushing Evelyn away, and backing away, terrified. “He…”

“I’m sorry, I, I didn’t know,” Evelyn said quickly. “Your records weren’t that thorough about which church your parents went to, I would never have…”

“I… I knew that his son had disappeared,” Sophia said, looking at Evelyn with horror. “But I didn’t know him, sorry, her, fuck, we went to one of the satellite churches. Somehow, my father got him to… come when…”

“Sophia! It’s ok, I’m not his son anymore,” Evelyn said quickly. “And a part of me feels like I never was, a lump of clay for him to mold however he wanted, and what he wanted was a tool to spread his hatred.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I need to go,” Sophia said, standing up quickly and moving shakily towards the door.

“Where do you want to go?” Evelyn asked, turning to stand.

“Just, not here,” Sophia said, waving her back down. “I’m… I’m going to go to my room.”

“I’m sorry, truly, Sophia…” Evelyn said, a pained expression on her face.

“Yeah, I know, I just…” Sophia said, trailing off, and turned to leave quickly without saying more to Evelyn. She didn’t know what to think. When she got to the stairs she paused, she turned towards the stairs up. She started climbing the stairs and winding her way through Dorley Hall, not sure where she was going. If she had been more together, she would’ve been surprised at the locks that opened to her, and suddenly found herself clear up on the third floor.

Sophia started to turn to go back down the stairs when Stephanie’s door opened up, and she came out in a nightgown and robe. “Thank heavens, you’re here and okay!” Stephanie called to her and started to pad quickly down the hall in her slippers. “I was just going to make sure you got to your room okay.” Stephanie came over and pulled Sophia in to a tight hug.

Sophia still felt detached from everything and barely registered the hug. She numbly let Stephanie guide her to her and Ellen’s room. Stephanie sat her down on one side of the bed and reached over to poke Ellen until she moved over, so they all fit reasonably. She helped Sophia up on the bed and under the covers. Sophia didn’t really come out of it, but Stephanie laid down behind her and whispered quietly in her ear that Sophia was safe and cared for, and eventually fell in to an exhausted sleep.

***

Nerys woke up with a giant grin on her face, she had slept better than she had in a long time. She sat up and stretched big; the last couple of days had been a lot, but they had been so good.

The sponsors held a tongue in cheek ‘New Year New Girls’ party that the boys grudgingly attended for the treats offered and the chance for something different. Sophia had a beautiful dress on, the first time she’d worn one around the others. Nerys hadn’t been quite brave enough, but Sophia said she looked adorable in her capris and pink t-shirt with those little frilly sleeves. She knew never would’ve imagined she would like being called adorable, but from Sophia? It made her blush so hard.

All the boys showed up except for Randal, who was still in his cell, and the sponsors provided various snacks and had plastic champagne flutes and sparkling grape juice available. Sophia and Nerys played cards with Mary and Stephanie, and laughed and had a good time. The others mostly just sat there watching It’s A Wonderful Life, munched on the snacks and sipped from the flutes. Well, Derek hadn’t touched the flutes, even after reassurances from Tabby they were non-alcoholic.

After the party wound down, and the sponsors started herding them to the rooms, Sophia and Nerys retreated to Sophia’s room. When they were inside and the door was locked, Sophia winked and opened her dumbwaiter to reveal a small bottle of champagne and two more flutes; Nerys happily imbibed with Sophia and laughed happily as they chatted past their usual bedtime. The light strip had faded out a while ago, but the two of them weren’t tired, and then Sophia noticed the time — 23:59 — and stood and offered her hand to Nerys, who took it gladly and stood. They counted down in each other's arms, and then they kissed right at midnight.

It wasn’t like the kiss at Christmas, all filled with mixed feelings and regret. They were still nervous — Sophia nearly poked Nerys in the eye with her nose — but both of them fully wanted it this time. They had gotten physically closer in the week between Christmas and New Years. Holding hands (and not just for reassurance), hugging, leaning against each other on the couches — even occasional pecks on the cheek or forehead. This, though. This was a kiss. A kiss that would be written about like the kiss in Princess Bride as among the most pure. Nerys had never felt that way with her previous girlfriend, and felt herself dip as Sophia leaned into it, and she just lost herself in Sophia’s lips.

Afterward, both of them laid back down on Sophia’s bed, giggling. They laid there speaking with each other until they fell asleep in Sophia’s bed in each other’s arms, totally unintentionally, just talking until they were no longer conscious.

Both of them panicked a bit when they woke up that way, and they both insisted that Mary and Stephanie check the video to make sure. Neither of them could remember anything after that kiss, and breathed a sigh of relief when their sponsors confirmed that no, nothing untoward had happened. They talked about that with each other, that neither of them was opposed to more per se, but they were both scared of going too fast and agreed to continue taking it slowly.

Nerys was oddly excited for today, Indira’s feminism series was starting back up. If you had told her a month ago that she would be looking forward not just to any class, but feminism class? She would’ve thought you were mad as a hatter.

She took stock of herself, and slowly got ready for her shower. Nerys headed out of her room carrying her kit and went to knock on Sophia’s door, but she didn’t respond. Odd, Nerys thought, and knocked again to no avail. She turned around and went back to her room and checked her phone, and there was a message from Mary on the sponsor app from just a moment ago.

Mary:

Hey Nerys, Sophia had a rough night and wound up upstairs, not your fault, old trauma,

she’ll be back down in time for the lesson probably, but don’t worry about her, we’re taking care of her

Nerys quickly typed a reply, frowning at her phone.

Nerys:

Oh, tell her I hope that she feels better

Mary:

I’ll pass it along, and I’ll be down in a bit for the lesson too

Sophia had talked a tiny bit about her trauma in the last week, but just the surface: religion, parents — but that was about as far as she ever went. Fucking religion. She was glad her parents hadn’t had any. Her father was bad enough as a drunk without throwing that in on top of it.

She sighed and set the phone back down. No sense in delaying, might as well get my shower alone then, she thought. Sophia would probably shower upstairs like she usually did when she was upstairs overnight or for longer periods during the day. Nerys picked her kit back up and walked towards the showers. It struck her as strange to want someone to shower with now, but that was on the small side of strangeness down here.

She saw Derek coming out of the showers, and they smiled as they passed in the hall. As Nerys headed inside, she realized Owen was still finishing in the showers, and she decided to take care of things at the sinks and let him finish. She couldn’t stand the thought of listening to him rant about Fluoride or something. He eventually finished and left the showers in a robe she saw out of the corner of her eye. “Good Morning, Nerys,” he said quickly and quietly as he headed out of the annexe, unable to fully meet her eyes.

She smiled in the mirror when he said it. Nerys. Kira. Mary had said they were still debating whether she could use that as a surname, or maybe as her middle name. She wanted to use it somehow, though, in memory of her mom’s love of Star Trek. She had even asked Mary if she could watch Deep Space Nine, and Mary said she would think about it.

Nerys showered fairly quickly, but then on impulse grabbed the razor Mary had given her and ran it over her legs, and it felt strangely nice. When she was done, she dried off, using some of the moisturizer she had discovered made her skin feel really nice now felt even better on shaved legs.

She headed back towards her bedroom and saw Grant and Carl headed in and really wished Sophia was here. Thankfully, they just glared at her as they went inside. She got back inside her room and hung up her towel and robe and got dressed — just leggings and a cute slouchy top. Mary had gotten her a few more in different colors and styles, and she was enjoying exploring the options. She had never felt this way about clothes before.

Clothes were functional in her world before Dorley. Heavy jeans to keep from getting jabbed by various sharp things, Flannels to keep warm when working in a crawlspace in the middle of winter. Heavy boots to keep her from injuring her toes when she dropped a wrench. Which she had done on more than one occasion. She was an electrician! Not a plumber! But there was neverenough electrical work to go around, so sometimes she made do.

She sat on her bed, picking up and hugging Kukalaka as she thought. Christine had helped name her teddy bear when she was down visiting Sophia with Stephanie one afternoon last week; Nerys hadn’t remembered Bashir’s teddy bear, it had been so long ago. Her second alarm went off; it was breakfast time. Is Sophia back yet? Maybe? she hoped. She stood up, setting Kukalaka back on her pillow, and headed out of her bedroom and headed towards the dining room. Nerys was still worried about Sophia and wished she was here, so she could hug her.

Nerys got to the dining room and Sophia wasn’t present, causing her to frown briefly, but Mary was, and she smiled and waved. It was weird being closer to Mary, too, and she smiled faintly and waved back. If she wasn’t around Sophia lately, Mary was there. Listening, discussing, helping her understand that all that was happening to her would be okay. They had cereal out again today with the real milk, and she grabbed something fruity this time and started eating.

Mary came up beside her after a few bites. “How are you this morning?” she asked, sitting down next to Nerys.

“I’m good, Mary,” she said quietly. “Wishing I could comfort Sophia. Stupid religion.”

“She’ll be okay, and I just got a text,” Mary whispered next to Nerys’s ear. “She is on her way down, but will be eating upstairs.”

“Oh, sure, that’s fine, probably have better things up there.”

“We do, and at some point you might be allowed up to have some with her.”

“Wait, really?” Nerys said, turning to look at Mary in surprise.

“Not today though, okay?” Mary said smiling.

“Yeah, no, I understand,” she said, turning back to her bowl. The others were mostly in the room, and she didn’t care what they thought of her lately, so long as they left her alone about it. Eventually, she finished and Sophia still hadn’t shown up, but Mary guided her out to the common room where Indira was setting up.

“Oh! Good morning, Nerys,” Indira said as they passed her on the way to the couch.

“Good morning, Indira,” Nerys said and smiled. Indira could be a lot, Mary had said to her once, but she seemed nice.

“Well, look who’s in a good mood this morning,” Indira said brightly, grinning. “Looking forward to the lesson?”

“Uh, yeah, actually, a bit,” Nerys said nervously.

“Well, it’s a good one,” Indira said, shuffling some papers she had in a notebook. “Today’s lesson is about transmisogyny.”

“I admit I have no idea what that is,” Nerys said as she settled on one of the couches.

“Well, by the end of today you will!” Indira said, grinning big.

Nerys turned to Mary, who had sat down beside her. Mary had been more unguarded around her of late. “Any word on Sophia?” she asked quietly

“Nope, I’m sure she’s okay though and will be down eventually, just be patient,” Mary said, leaning over a bit against her for reassurance.

Nerys nodded, patience was hard still. Her brain tended to be prone to overthinking everything,and dead time waiting was when it was the worst. They chatted until all the others had filed in with their sponsors, sitting and standing variously. Indira started in on the lesson and Sophia still wasn’t there. Nerys frowned again and then tried to pay attention to Indira.

***

Stephanie’s alarm went off as early as it usually did, but she quickly reached behind herself and silenced it. Sophia mumbled something in her sleep, but thankfully didn’t fully wake up, and Stephanie gently put her arm back around Sophia. Ellen got up quietly and carefully from the other side of the bed and started getting ready for her day with the second years. She smiled at Stephanie before she left and waved her fingers, and Stephanie smiled back and mouthed, “love you,” at her fiancée.

She lay there next to Sophia, simply holding her while her mind thought back to her own past. Her parents’ faith that she had wanted nothing to do with. That in the end they had been nowhere near as bad about their trans daughter as Sophia’s own parents. She’d even helped Petra come out to them on Boxing Day, which she’d spent down in London with Ellen and her family. While they hadn’t popped champagne and made a rainbow cake, they did take it better than she had expected, and asked to meet her girlfriend.

Evelyn had called her early this morning in a panic after Sophia had left her in the basement and said she had fucked everything up — that it turned out she had a previously unknown direct connection to Sophia’s trauma. Evelyn was worried she had hurt Sophia terribly, even if unintentionally, and Stephanie was worried Evelyn was right as Sophia twitched a bit in her sleep, muscles tensed and relaxed. Religion is a blunt instrument wielded by the hateful to control and oppress anyone different, Stephanie thought.

Stephanie tried to keep her body motionless as she thought, even as mad as it made her — she wanted to scream, to bang her fists against things. None of this was Evelyn’s fault — or, for that matter, Sophia’s. It was a shit sandwich with a side of shit. She wasn’t sure how long she lay there, but eventually, she felt Sophia stirring and knew she would wake up fully soon. She braced herself for helping Sophia through what was probably going to be a hard day. Sophia eventually roused enough to twist about and face Stephanie. “Morning,” Stephanie said quietly and kissed Sophia gently on the forehead.

“Where… am I?” Sophia asked quietly, twisting to look around.

“Mine and Ellen’s room,” Stephanie said quietly. “You wound up here on the third floor last night, and looked so tired and out of it, that I just brought you to bed with us.”

“Oh shit,” Sophia said, pushing back from Stephanie and half stumbling and half falling out of the bed from the other side. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” Sophia said, curling up in a ball next to the wall.

Stephanie quickly got up off the bed, and slowly approached Sophia, not sitting down right next to her, but close. “It’s okay Sophia, it really is,” she said quietly, inching a little closer

“No it’s not! I shouldn’t even be… I… I’m not her,” and her tears started flowing again.

Stephanie took the opportunity to scoot over next to her and pull her into a tight hug. “It’s okay,” she whispered over and over while hugging Sophia and rubbing her shoulders and back. Eventually, Sophia’s tears ran out and she was just there. “Do you want to talk about it?” Stephanie asked quietly. “You said you aren’t her — her who?”

“I’m sorry,” Sophia said, so quiet Stephanie could barely hear her, even right next to her. “Sophia, I’m not Sophia.”

“Of course you are, Sophia,” Stephanie said quietly. “That’s what she said, right? You get to be her.”

“Do I?” Sophia asked, choking back a sob. “She’s gone because of who she was. And it might as well be my fault I… I couldn’t —”

“How?” Stephanie asked quietly. “You did what you could for her.”

Sophia started sobbing again. “I’m still sorry,” she said eventually.

“For what? You’ve done nothing wrong,” Stephanie said, squeezing her shoulders.

“For… for being in bed with you — again no less!” Sophia said “It’s not okay, that’s not what… I’m…”

“What’s not okay about me comforting my sister on a rough night?” Stephanie asked, remembering all the nights Pippa had comforted her.

“You're… you’re not my sister!” Sophia protested and tried shoving ineffectually at Stephanie. “And I’m not yours. I’m just a freak and a pervert.”

Stephanie winced, glad that Sophia couldn’t see her face. “Well, you’re wrong on all counts,” she said, squeezing Sophia’s shoulders tighter again. “But, I get that you’re struggling right now.”

“Oh geez, I need to find Evelyn and apologize. I… It’s not her fault, oh god,” she said urgently, and she started to uncurl, but Stephanie held her tightly.

“Listen, there will be time for that,” Stephanie said, refusing to let her stand up just yet. “And she knows you wouldn’t really think that once you got past the initial shock. She’s mostly worried that she hurt you.”

Sophia sniffed hard. “I just— why? Why did my parents… ?” each word a sob between it, her voice thick with phlegm.

“Why is a hard question, but at the end of the day, they were adults who made decisions,” Stephanie said, her disgust clear. “Terrible decisions. Everything else, religion, upbringing, whatever, are all excuses. Our actions are our own.” Sophia nodded slowly and sniffed. “You want to get cleaned up for the day? You can use my shower, or we can go down to your room, your first floor room anyway?” Stephanie offered.

Sophia tried to suck back the phlegm from crying before responding. “Yeah, I guess the first floor would be okay.”

Stephanie helped Sophia uncurl, more gently than she had attempted earlier, and get upright. She set Sophia gently on the edge of the bed. “I’ll be right out, I just need to pee, okay?” Stephanie said quickly, making motions to stay. She got inside and didn’t even quite fully shut the door, hoping that Sophia could last a few minutes while she took care of the absolute essentials: went to the bathroom, brushed her teeth, put her estradiol under her tongue to dissolve.

By the time she got back out into her room, Sophia had pulled her legs up onto the bed, but less tight than before, and hadn’t retreated to the wall. She smiled. “Do you mind if I change quickly first?” she asked quietly, coming up next to Sophia.

“Sure,” Sophia said without much conviction.

Stephanie quickly grabbed a basic outfit and ducked into the bathroom again to change as quick as she could. When she finished, she came out and leaned on the edge of the bed next to Sophia. “Sorry about the delay,” she said, putting her arm around Sophia’s shoulders. “Do you still want to go down to the first floor to shower? You can use mine if you prefer; I’ve got plenty of things up here for you to put on.”

“It’s fine, and yeah, I guess down to the first floor,” Sophia said quietly, looking intently at a random spot on the floor near the bed.

Maybe I should offer her a piggyback ride, Stephanie considered for a brief moment, but she worried it would dredge up more bad memories. Thankfully, Sophia slowly uncurled and stood up off the bed and immediately clung on to Stephanie’s arm tightly, barely looking a foot in front of them. “It’s okay,” Stephanie said, and patted Sophia’s arm with her free hand as she started slowly towards the door.

Sophia’s parents sure did a number on her, Stephanie thought. She knew it had been bad, but Sophia hadn’t really said much about it, even in her journal, and Stephanie hadn’t wanted to pry. But Evelyn’s revelation last night had clearly broken the dam, and things would be rough for Sophia for a bit. She guided Sophia out of her and Ellen’s room, and they walked slowly walked over to the staircase and down to the first. Stephanie had to unlock, open, and hold the doors as they went with one hand, since Sophia was clinging to her like the world was ending.

And for her, it probably kind of was. She was watching herself become everything she had ever wanted — everything her so-called ‘parents’ had explicitly forbidden her from. They got to the first floor and Stephanie waved off a curious Zoe with a look and a minute shake of her head. She was pretty sure Sophia hadn’t noticed, her eyes cast decidedly towards the floor, just trying to keep walking.

Stephanie unlocked Sophia’s door and led her inside, and then Sophia immediately released her arm and bolted into the bathroom, not even bothering to shut the door to the bathroom properly.

Stephanie walked over and gently closed it as she heard the shower start. “What do you want to wear today?” she called through the door. Sophia didn’t respond, but Stephanie heard the shower start, and she smiled faintly. Hopefully, the shower will help her some, Sophia thought. Stephanie grabbed a pair of casual shorts, a t-shirt, some knickers and a bra out of the wardrobe. She sat down with them near the door. Listening for any sign of her doing something risky, concerned but willing to give her some space. For now.

She pulled her phone out, and messaged Evelyn, hoping she was still up.

basement dweller

hey, Sophia’s showering

she wants to apologize to you

I had to hold her back from bolting and get her to calm down first.

Pretty sure she will still try to apologize.

She waited a moment, and then her phone pinged,

Evil Lyn:

Hey, yeah, no, not her fault, and I already asked Christine why we missed this

basement dweller

Oh?

Did she say?

Evil Lyn:

It wasn’t in her journals, Christine went through them again this morning. Nothing.

Her dad talks about religion a lot on Facebook but oddly never talks about his church in detail? Kyle did sometimes warn people that ‘outsiders wouldn’t understand’ about the church

It’s possible he was deliberately hiding where he went. Christine did find one reference to the satellite, but none of us connected the dots. Hell I didn’t know all the satellites; they all blended together, and we had no reason to check a list.

and her mum uses the internet pretty much as read only resource, never posts anything on any platform

and finally church records aren’t the most heavily digitized, and there are a lot of churches.

basement dweller

What are the odds?

Evil Lyn:

I mean, we filter for trans girls from unsupportive families, that tends to bias towards conservative parents who go to conservative churches… and I know at least one other trans girl who was hurt by that bastard’s cult

basement dweller:

Oh, wow

Evil Lyn:

One of lorna’s friends actually, we’ve done what we can to help her, she was even originally selected before Becky in 2020, she rejected the vague anonymous offer, had people she didn’t want to leave behind

basement dweller:

oh, her

yeah

I remember that

but also good we respected her choice

Evil Lyn:

Yeah, it would’ve been weird anyway, she’s also a Mary. I think we funded some of her transition at one point anonymously instead.

She heard the shower shut off.

basement dweller:

she’s done with the shower

ttyl

Evil Lyn:

ttfn

“Sophia, are you okay?” Stephanie asked through the door. “Did the shower help?”

“I’m a little better,” Sophia said quietly, “but still a long way from okay…”

“Understandable,” Stephanie said, smiling faintly. “Do you want some clothes? I picked out something understated.”

“Yeah, I probably need some clothes, thanks.”

“They are just outside the door, I won’t look,” Stephanie said, turned her head away and closed her eyes. She heard Sophia open the door slowly and then take in the bundle and rapidly shut the door.

“Thank you,” she heard Sophia say quietly through the door.

“You’re welcome, sweetie,” Stephanie said and stood up off the floor and brushed her clothes off.

Sophia opened the door slowly a couple of minutes later and came out, and Stephanie held her arms open. Sophia walked forward slowly into them and hugged her tightly and didn’t let go. “I’m — I know you will say I don’t need to,” Sophia said quietly after they had been hugging already for a solid minute. “But also, I’m sorry.”

“Unneeded apology accepted,” Stephanie said, smiling and squeezing Sophia in return. “It’s okay, honest. Do you want to get some breakfast?”

“Oh, uh, sure, maybe the second floor kitchen?” Sophia said quietly. “I don’t… the downstairs kitchen is always so busy.”

“That sounds like a perfect idea,” Stephanie said brightly. “Let's go see if we can bump into Katy or something.” She broke the hug and Sophia took her hand as they walked out of the room. Sophia didn’t cling to Stephanie with a death grip, but still held her hand tightly, and Stephanie squeezed it for reassurance.

Zoe poked her head out of her room again as they walked by, and smiled and waved. “Good morning, Sophia! Looking good,” Zoe called.

Sophia blushed. “Thanks, Zoe,” she said, smiling faintly. “Better than I feel.”

“Shouldn’t you be down at breakfast?” Stephanie asked, arching an eyebrow but grinning at her.

“Oh! Nell gave me the morning off,” Zoe said and grinned. “We were up pretty late last night, movie night, chatting, that kind of thing.”

“That’s nice of her,” Stephanie said, grinning, “We were just going to get breakfast up on the second floor.”

“Would you… want to join us? Zoe?” Sophia asked shyly, barely able to look at Zoe.

“Oh! Sure, just a second!” she said brightly and turned back into her room briefly and then came rushing out, locking her door behind her, carrying her water bottle. “Can never drink enough water,” she said, grinning.

Sophia frowned. “I left mine downstairs.”

“That’s okay, always glasses in the kitchen. So, what brings you up to the up of stairs today?” Zoe asked before Stephanie could wave her hand in front of her throat.

“Oh, uh, it was a rough night,” Sophia said nervously. “Nightmare, followed by… a thing… and then I kind of wound up on the third floor.”

“Oh, one of those nights,” Zoe said, nodding her head. “Yeah, I’ve had those kinds of nights, not fun.” Zoe put an arm around Sophia as they came out of the door from the staircase on to the second floor.

“Yeah,” Sophia said. “Thanks.”

They approached the kitchen, and the doors were open and inside Stephanie saw Katy and Heather were sitting at the table facing the door. Katy happened to look up and smiled at them, and waved by curling her fingers in greetings. “Hiya Zoe, hiya Sophia, how goes?” Katy asked smiling. Heather looked up from nuzzling Katy’s neck and waved as well, smiling at the three of them.

Sophia started to stammer a response, before Zoe shushed her quietly. “I’m okay; Sophia had a rough night, though,” Zoe said, smiling sympathetically.

“Oh! I’m sorry,” Katy said and smiled weakly at them. “Want some breakfast? I could whip you up some omelettes or something.”

“Thanks Katy, but it's okay, I can do that,” Stephanie said. “You girls just sit and chat, and I’ll have us something quickly.”

Zoe guided Sophia to one of the chairs at the table, and Zoe sat down and took Sophia’s hand and rubbed it as she sat down. Stephanie set to fixing breakfast, letting them just talk about whatever. It was nice to hear. Just some girls, having a pleasant, normal conversation. Sophia would have more work to do to come to terms with her past, but for now, she could have a bit of normal.

She set about fixing some omelettes; she wasn’t the best at it, but she managed decent ones usually. It wasn’t long before she had all three cooked and was delivering them to the table and sitting down with the girls. She sat there laughing and joking and just joining in the normal with them as they ate.

After they finished their food, they continued chatting for a bit, and then she saw Sophia look up at a clock in the kitchen. “Oh! Indira’s lesson! Nerys will be worried!” she said quickly, and stood up and started to turn towards the door.

Stephanie smiled, realizing she probably couldn’t stop Sophia this time. “Would you mind cleaning up?” Stephanie asked the other girls. Sophia grabbed her hand and started pulling her towards the hallway.

“Oh, sure! Go say hi to Nerys for us,” Katy called as Stephanie started after Sophia.

“I will!” Sophia called, smiling as she practically dragged Stephanie down the hallway towards the stairs.

They quickly descended to the ground floor, and went through the kitchen towards the dining hall and stairs. Stephanie saw that Evelyn was in the kitchen as they approached, and she had a moment of panic over what Sophia might do. But before she could stop her, Sophia dropped Stephanie’s hand and rushed over to Evelyn, embracing her in a tight hug. “I’m sorry,” she said, the pain in her voice obvious. “Not… not for me… but… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, we both…”

Evelyn squeezed back. “I get it, honestly I do,” she said, smiling at Stephanie over Sophia’s shoulder. “And I’m sorry too, for you know, yeah.”

“Yeah, I know, and… thank you, for…” Sophia said, trailing off.

Stephanie could see Evelyn smile at Sophia. “You are welcome, dear,” Evelyn said, her voice filled with kindness. “And thank you.” Stephanie breathed a sigh of relief and Evelyn turned her smile at Stephanie, and mouthed, “It’s okay.”

“Shall we go?” Stephanie asked. “I suspect Indira’s lecture is starting soon.”

“Oh! Right! Sorry Evelyn,” Sophia said, releasing the hug and smiling. “Got to run, Nerys will be worried.”

“Absolutely understandable, Sophia,” Evelyn said, smiling. “We’ll talk more at some point, okay?”

Sophia nodded as she released her hug. “We will, got to run!” she said, and then she turned and rushed through the dining hall, waving at various people as she headed towards the stairs down.

***

Sophia paused outside the glass double doors to the common room, which also let Stephanie get caught up. She saw the lecture was already in progress and half turned to Stephanie, who smiled and nodded. Sophia pushed the double doors open, and all eyes immediately turned to her. “Uh, hi all,” she said nervously, and smiled apologetically at Indira. “Sorry for being late, Indira.”

“I’m sure Stephanie had a good reason for keeping you away,” Indira said, smiling. “Please, take a seat, today's topic is transmisogyny.”

Sophia nodded and walked quickly over to where Nerys was seated and joined her, taking her hand in hers as soon as she was seated. Nerys leaned into her and started nuzzling at Sophia’s neck, causing her to giggle, and Indira paused briefly and shot them a glance. “Pay attention, you two,” she said, grinning. “I know you’re ahead of the others, but it won’t do to have you slacking off.”

“Yes, Dira, sorry,” Sophia said, giggling some more.

“Sorry, Indira,” Nerys said and sat back upright.

“Now, where were we? Ah, right, the intersection of being trans, and a woman of colour…” Indira’s lecture continued, and Nerys and Sophia mostly managed to pay attention. When one of them wasn’t nuzzling at the neck of the other or something similarly affectionate or silly.

When Indira finished, Sophia stood and stretched. And was taken by the urge to yawn loudly and, before thinking, had. “Am I really that boring?” Indira asked from across the room, sounding jokingly hurt. “I always thought I was rather a good public speaker.”

Sophia went wide-eyed. “No! Dira, not you, just a rough night,” she said quickly waving her hands in front of her. “The lecture was good; I learned things.”

“Known countless people in the programme who have had really rough nights,” Indira said with a warm smile. “Get some rest, Soph. Be kind to yourself, okay?”

Nerys had stood up beside her and offered her a hand, but Sophia turned and hugged Nerys tightly instead. “I’m sorry if I worried you,” she said next to Nerys’s ear.

“I mean, a bit,” Nerys said softly, returning the hug. “But Mary said it was your past trauma giving you a hard time.”

Sophia nodded slowly. “Yeah. Had a nightmare about when I got kicked out, and then… maybe best not to talk about it here.”

“Oh, sure, after lunch?” Nerys offered as Sophia broke the hug.

“Yeah, after lunch,” Sophia said. “But first, I need to use the restroom.”

“I probably should too, mind if I accompany you?” Nerys asked, grinning.

Sophia giggled. “Going to the restroom together is such a stereotype, but sure,” she said with a smirk.

Nerys laughed in response as they walked the short way to the bathroom. She hadn’t done anything to her voice. And yet, Nerys made her so happy to watch and listen to. She was still a ball of overthinking and yes, she had done questionable things, but so what? She was Nerys! And Sophia was sure that Nerys had been an egg — albeit a bit rotten.

They got to the annexe and quickly took care of business with minimal fuss, laughing and chatting with each other. Grant and Carl came in as they were washing their hands and sneered, but thankfully still kept their thoughts to themselves. Tabby and Pamela had claimed they were still making progress, but she had yet to see any signs of it in her interactions with them.

They returned to the dining room and sat next to each other as they ate some soup, which was excellent and had some real meat in it to boot. When they finished, Sophia looked at Nerys. “So… common room? Or mine or yours?” Sophia asked.

“Let’s uh, let’s go to yours,” Nerys said. “That way we can talk, or not. We could just watch some vampire show if you want.”

“I think not talking is just what the doctor ordered,” Sophia said and smiled sweetly at Nerys and headed towards her door. She sat down on the bed and Nerys got the show playing on Sophia’s computer, and then sat down beside her.

They mostly didn’t talk the first episode they watched. A bit into the second, she felt tears forming again, and she tried to stop them, but she couldn’t. And then Nerys pulled her into a hug, and kissed the top of her head. “It’s okay, Sophia, I’m here,” she said quietly. It helped some; she let herself sink in to Nerys.

By the end of the second episode, she had mostly stopped crying, but was starting to nod off. Nerys noticed and quietly helped her get laid down. “Do you want me to stay?” Nerys asked softly.

She nodded yes and clutched her pillow tight. Nerys laid down behind her and held her. And she drifted off. Her sleep was not great; the nightmare came back, but this time something was different. Stephanie was there, and then Evelyn was, and finally Nerys was there, and they fought for Sophia, and her sleep calmed down.

When she woke, Nerys was still behind her, still holding her. She smiled thinking about this weird, horrible and yet also wonderful place she found herself in. She closed her eyes and waited for Nerys to stir, it wasn’t too long.

Sophia rolled over and faced Nerys. “Thank you,” she said quietly and smiled.

“Oh, uh, sorry, I kind of drifted off,” Nerys said, looking sheepish.

“You were in my dreams — it was nice,” Sophia said, grinning.

“Oh?” Nerys said and arched her eyebrows, and smirked.

Sophia playfully pushed on her shoulder. “Not like that. You and Steph and Evelyn showed up in my dream,” she said, smiling at the memory. “You saved me from my father and the pastor.”

Nerys smiled. “And I’d do it in real life too,” Nerys said frowning. “I’d like to give both of them a swift kick right in the family jewels.”

Sophia smiled faintly and leaned in and kissed Nerys. “Thank you, really, but I hope to never see any of them ever again,” she said quietly. She rotated upright beside Nerys, and reached over her to check her phone. Still only 1600. “Want to go out to the common room for a bit? I’m feeling a lot better.”

Nerys smiled and also started rotating up. “Sure. Wonder what horrible reality TV they’ve got on today?”

“Oh! I can put the vampire show on! Stephanie told me yesterday my phone now had that power, and it was okay to use it for things from the approved library unless a sponsor says to turn it off.”

“Oh wow, being a girl comes with some pretty nice perks.”

Sophia laughed loudly. “It really fucking does!” She got up, taking her phone with her and slipping it into her pocket.

Derek and Owen were in the room at the metal tables with books in front of them. Owen had a science textbook. Derek… she was pretty sure was the feminism textbook. Monica was on one of the couches near the back, and Edy was sitting at the table with Owen.

“Hey, Monica, Edy, I was wondering if I could put something on the TV?” Sophia asked, noting the surprise on Derek and Owen’s faces.

“Only if Edy agrees,” Monica responded first.

Edy thought for a moment and looked tiredly at Owen. “I think we’ve gone about as far as we can today anyway,” Edy said, barely masking her frustration. “Sure Soph, enjoy.”

“Thanks, Edy!” Sophia said and joined Nerys on the couch and snuggled up next to her with their feet resting on the same bean bag chair. She pulled her phone out and started up the next episode of the vampire show, to the immediate groan of Monica.

“I have regrets!” Monica said laughing.

“Want me to find something different?”

“Nah, it’s fine, enjoy. Owen, Derek, go put your textbooks back and then if you want you can watch some of this awful schlock with them,” Monica said. Edy stood up, stretching from the table and went over to sit with Monica on the couch and held a quiet conversation, punctuated by bits of laughter.

Owen and Derek left to return their books to their room, and did eventually rejoin Sophia and Nerys to laugh at the awful relationships between the vampires.

***

Randal had been in the cells for over a week now — he wouldn’t give Maria what she wanted. She wanted contrition. Compliance. Docility. He refused to call James or Kirk by those insipid, nonsense names they claim now. Randal was aware there were limits to resistance without being washed out — but for now, Maria seemed convinced he could still be coerced. He knew at some point he might have to give in, or pretend to, or risk washing out. But that wasn’t today.

Maria had shown up again this morning, after breakfast, although she did every day, that wasn’t too surprising. Today, she was sitting on a chair on the other side of the glass, just watching him. She had placed a tablet in a holder suction-cupped to her side of the glass, and set up the audio for Indira’s talk to be piped into his cell. He tried ignoring it. Tried reading. Tried chattering at her over it. She just pulled her phone out and tapped some command and the volume went louder.

He sighed and gave up about halfway through and paid ‘attention.’ Indira was talking about how she thought trans women were subjected to misogyny in a special way, in particular trans women of colour. He rolled his eyes a lot in the couple of hours of the lesson, thankfully Maria mostly didn’t say anything for the duration of the lesson. Finally, Indira finished, and it was lunchtime, but Maria didn’t leave to get his food, which was counter to the pattern the last week.

She sat there for a bit in silence just looking at him, arms crossed, and when he started to pick a book back up, she finally spoke. “So. I’ve seen boys like you before,” she said flatly with a faint smile. “It took me a while to understand; it's been a bit since we had one quite like you. You’re smart, or think you are. You’re clever, or think you are. You think you can fool us. That eventually you will pretend your way through this programme and graduate and wreck us all. But you can’t fool me or the programme.

“I think you’ll break. You’re an empty person driven by a petty need to be better than others. Smug. Arrogant. Overconfident. But ego must be fed, and you have no followers in here. Even Grant and Carl are slowly, bit by bit, moving forwards. Especially with you gone. But you. You’re still stuck in first gear. In last place.”

“You won’t wash me out,” Randal spat. “Who even knows what happened to Brent. You probably paid him off somehow to keep him quiet. Or blackmailed him. You’re all cowards, hiding behind the glass with your tasers and your locks.”

“Brent is gone away for good,” Maria said, arching an eyebrow. “And I don't understand why you don’t believe us on that. The threat is very real, and you will face up to the realities of the programme, or you will wash out.”

“Realities? You’re fucking psychopaths, mutilating us. Deforming us.”

“Not deforming. Reforming,” Maria said evenly. “That's the point. Do you really think you’re going to walk out of here somehow looking like a girl, acting like one, and start that nasty little site back up and expose us all? That they will listen to you anymore? That we would even let you get that far?”

“I may walk out of here looking like a girl, but you can’t ever make me be one. Not really. No one can change their sex.”

“Sophia and Nerys seem to have no problem with it,” Maria said, smiling faintly. “I know loads of people who have done it. I assure you, it is quite possible.”

Randal knew she was goading him, trying to get him to act out. All for an excuse to remove him from the programme. He took a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Sure. Okay. Whatever you say,” he said, rolling his eyes and flopping back on the bed.

“I think this will be our final chat for a while,” Maria said, tilting her head to one side. “I think you derive too much pleasure even from arguing with me. The others will make sure you get food at regular intervals, and they will escort you to the shower once in a while, when no one else is out and about. But I think you need more time to think. Let me know when you are willing to call people by their proper names, lest I give you one of your own.”

“Why the fuck do you think that would do anything?” Randal scoffed and sat up on one elbow again.

“Hrm, why indeed?” she said, and she stood and turned to walk away.

He watched her walk away, her manner seemed serious, but he doubted she was telling the truth. The mental badgering was all part of it; she would be back bright and early tomorrow to berate him some more. To try to convince him he was a ‘bad boy’ and he should be a ‘good girl.’ That he should call James and Kirk… Sophia and Nerys. He would be waiting for her.

Shortly after she walked off, one of the nameless girls he didn’t know came bearing a tray of food. “Cuffs!” she barked out.

He put them on slowly, and she stepped in and set the tray on the ground, and then immediately turned and closed and locked the door. As she was leaving, she beeped the remote that unlocked the cuffs, letting him at his meagre meal. Maria didn’t wind up returning that afternoon, like she had most days since he was put back in here. He pulled out one of the paperback fiction books they let him have and started reading — an insipid lesbian romance, but it was better than doing nothing.

Dinner time was the same as lunch, a barked one word order, then no interaction by the person dropping the food off, and then she was gone. He went back to his book until the lights began to dim and the curtains closed, affording him some meagre privacy. She didn’t really mean she wouldn’t be back, he reassured himself. She couldn’t just not needle him. That was how this shit worked, as far as he could figure out, they badger the boys until they give in and become ‘girls’.

She couldn’t leave him alone for long.

***

Jessica’s phone buzzed at the same time as it had for the last week. Another unknown phone number, with the same brief message.

Unknown: We need to talk.

She had blocked all the previous ones, but she was upset tonight already, and picked up her phone and typed out a reply.

Jessica: I don’t know who you are or what you want to talk about, but I do not find this amusing. I’m going to change my number tomorrow.

She set her phone down, but it immediately buzzed again, and she sighed and picked it back up.

Unknown: It’s about your kid.

Jessica screamed, and wanted to throw her phone across the room, except her budget was tight and replacing a phone was not in it. What was it about her daughter’s disappearance that had brought all this on — first the landlord and now this random asshole. She was gone, and had been for years, as far as she had any right to care.

Jessica: He’s dead.

Unknown: I have reason to believe that isn’t the case

Jessica: Fuck off. Blocking this number, and will be changing it first thing tomorrow.

Unknown: we should meet

Jessica was already moving through the UI to block whoever it was. Again. She finished and put her phone on silent and do not disturb for the rest of the night.