Chapter 18: Squiddies got all our best spots.

2024 February 7, Wednesday

Ramona Forever, the cover said. Randal shuddered.

Yesterday morning, Randal had lost it. Maria had finally changed his display backgrounds — but instead of reverting them, she’d added several more photos of Alistair. She’d walked in just as a picture of the kiss at the dance scrolled on to the computer screen and he’d blown up. He’d called him Alice again — repeatedly, really — as he ranted at her about it.

Huge mistake. Now Randal was back in his cell. He wasn’t sure if Maria would visit him today; she hadn’t yesterday after depositing him. He had eaten lunch and dinner in here and then breakfast this morning, but so far, nothing, and it had been a couple of hours already.

Worst of all, she had only permitted him to take one book with him for distraction and he’d grabbed the top of the stack without looking. It wasn’t exactly stimulating material, and the title was disturbing to think about. It was better than nothing, though, and he flipped from the last page right back to the start when he finished it. However, after what he guessed was half an hour of trying and failing to focus on the first few pages, he dropped it off the side of the bed and stared at the ceiling.

Had there been a thread about a Ramona on AltChan once? Maybe? They all started blending together. Fuck, this room gave him too much time to think. There wasn’t anything wrong with what they had done on the site, they were just jokes after all, weren’t they?

But…

Last night, one of the girls had brought him dinner, and barked two words at him, “Cuffs, Ramona.” And it stung, as if he’d been slapped across the face. He had never realized how much someone completely refusing to use his real name hurt.

Had the people the threads were about felt that way? he wondered briefly and shook it off. No. They would not break him.

Why couldn’t he have grabbed the battered paperback about a lesbian baker? A favorite of Sophia’s — James’s — sponsor, apparently. He cursed inwardly at adopting her — his — name in his thoughts and hardened his resolve. He’d slept poorly on this awful cot in this awful cell, that’s all this was.

Randal picked the book back up and tried to remember where he’d left off; he flipped through several pages, and even though he’d read it a couple of times already, none of it looked familiar. Too distracted by his own thoughts. He dropped the book back on the floor with a sigh and resumed staring at the ceiling. Eventually he finally heard the even tapping of shoes in the hallway outside his cell. The curtain was open, as it always was, except when changing or using the horrible metal toilet.

It’s probably just another random girl bringing lunch, he thought until Maria appeared, and he breathed out and realized he had tensed way up over whom it might be. Jesus, this place was doing a number on him.

“Good afternoon, Ramona,” Maria said softly, smiling. “I’ve brought your lunch.”

“Oh, sure, let me get the cuffs on,” Randal said automatically.

“I think we’ll be fine without them. Don’t you, Ramona?” she asked.

He hesitated, but nodded minutely. What is she up to? he wondered briefly. She unlocked the door and set the tray down, and for a fraction of a second Randal thought about trying something, but what was the point? He knew now how futile it was. When she closed the door and relocked it behind her, he relaxed.

“So, how are you doing, Ramona?” Maria asked. She had stopped pronouncing the name like it was a hammer after the first day, but it still stung.

“Peachy,” Randal said, his voice belying the strain he felt.

“Had any thoughts you might want to share?” Maria asked, arching an eyebrow.

Randal sat there for an indeterminate period of time in silence, hoping she would choose another tactic.

“No? I can come back tonight with dinner and ask again,” Maria said, shrugging. “If you think of something to say by then, that is, Ramona.”

Maria started walking again and Randal’s mind raced, those thoughts earlier, about names. “Wait! Maria, please. I…”

Maria stopped and turned back to look at him. “Yes, Ramona?”

“Could you… could you please not call me that?” he pleaded, barely able to make eye contact with her. “It hurts. I get it. Calling someone a name they don’t want to be called hurts.”

Maria tilted her head to one side. “Hrm. If I start calling you Randal again, will you forget how being called Ramona when you didn’t want to be called that felt?”

Randal shook his head no and saw her frown. “No! I won’t. Lesson learned,” he said quickly, remembering the sponsors preferred verbal acknowledgement.

Her eyes narrowed. “Perhaps I believe you, Ramona,” she said calmly but putting extra emphasis on the name. He flinched at it, the sharpness of the sting. He instantly regretted it. The weakness.The failure to deal with being called the wrong name even one more time.

“There is a condition and a warning, though,” Maria said, folding her arms in front of her. “If the others in your cohort continue to use Ramona for you, you can’t lash out at them, but you may politely correct them. Do you understand and agree?”

“I understand and agree,” Randal said quietly. He knew that Grant and Carl probably wouldn’t let go of it, but he would just have to muddle through. “And the warning?”

“A name is coming for you eventually,” Maria said evenly. “This is a temporary reprieve at best. It might not be Ramona, but you will choose or ask for a name if you are to get out of here. Do you understand?”

Of course he understood. He didn’t like the idea at all and couldn’t imagine in a million years actually asking for one, but he knew their plans. The seconds ticked by, not many, but enough she noticed and started to raise her eyebrows again. Shit. “I understand and agree,” he said, unable to meet her gaze.

“Excellent, Randal,” she said, and he managed to contain his relief, mostly anyway. “Eat your lunch and I will be back to reintroduce you this afternoon.”

“Thank you, Maria,” Randal said quietly. He did mean it, honestly.

“You’re welcome,” Maria said and turned and walked away.

He walked over and picked up the tray, and saw a note under the plate. He sat back down on the bed and pulled it out, and unfolded it.

Don’t take so long next time, Randal.

~Maria

He looked at it for a solid minute. How the fuck had she known? He hadn’t even said anything aloud since yesterday! He crumpled it up and tossed it across the room and screamed. Was he that predictable?

***

Sophia watched as Maria came into the lunchroom where the six of the intake who were free were eating. She had a serious expression on her face; quickly, everyone shut up and looked at her. “Randal will be reintroduced this afternoon,” she said, a severe look on her face. “Yes, that is what we will be calling him again, and we expect you all to as well. Names are foundational, and he needed a more direct approach to understand that. Don’t make us teach you a similar lesson,” she said sternly, and immediately turned and left.

Tabby was standing behind Carl, who opened his mouth. “Think before you speak, Carl,” she said quietly, before he could say anything. How the sponsors could do that Sophia didn’t entirely understand — but she was slightly in awe of it.

“I was just going to say I was surprised,” he said innocently and fooling no one.

Tabby grunted. “Sure you were,” she said and jabbed at his shoulder with her taser.

Grant and Carl exchanged a series of looks across the table that Sophia took to mean: ‘alas, our fun of needling Randal with the name Ramona has come to an end, but neither of us want time in a cell for continuing.’

Grant opened his mouth and Tabby started to shush him too, and he held up his hand and Tabby nodded slowly. “I just, isn’t that how this works?” Grant asked frowning. “Eventually, you just give us names, and we are expected to answer to them and theres no going back, right?”

Tabby smiled faintly. “Actually, you will be given a lot of say over your name,” she said. “Will you have a new one? If you want to graduate then, yes, you absolutely will. But while we can and will pick a name for you if you ask us to do so, you will be allowed to choose one. Within somelimits.”

“Such as?” Owen asked quietly.

“You will be wholly new people when you graduate,” Tabby said. “We may reject a name if we feel that it would result in you being found out, whether for being too close to your old name, close relatives, etc. You will also have to select a new surname, and you will have some but less choice in that regard.”

Grant smirked. “So Carl can’t just become Carla?”

Carl flipped Grant off. “As if I’d never be something so blah as Carla,” he said and stuck his nose in the air.

This continued for a bit, with the other four trading quips about names; but then they collectively realized there were people at the other end of the table who already had new names and turned to look at Sophia and Nerys pointedly. “So, Sophia, how did you choose your name? Did you ask Stephanie for it?” Derek asked. Kinder than Grant or Carl would’ve put it at least, Sophia thought briefly.

Sophia smiled faintly. She had discussed with Stephanie what to say when this came up. “It just popped into my head one day that that was who I am,” Sophia said and shrugged. “Or who I am becoming, I guess. But I don’t really have good advice on choosing one.”

“And what about you, Nerys?” Owen asked quietly.

“I had no ideas of my own, so I asked Mary and she suggested Nerys. And… it suits me,” Nerys said, smiling broadly. “Turns out it’s also the name of a character on mum’s favorite show. So, I am sticking with it.”

Grant smirked. “What show? Some sappy romcom?”

Yeah, that’s more like what I expected out of them, Sophia thought.

“That’s for me, Sophia and the sponsors,” Nerys said indignantly, putting her chin in the air.

“Oh geez, no, I know, it’s some nerd show, isn’t it?” Carl said laughing. “Battlestar?”

Nerys threw a chip at him and Tabby smirked. “Deserved, nerd shows rock,” she said.

“Okay, but why did you ask for one?” Owen asked, his confusion clear. “I still can’t imagine wanting a different name.”

“Because I wanted to go to a party, of course!” Nerys said brightly and then laughed.

Sophia had to laugh with Nerys, she had said it so confidently. Around them, the boys sat in stunned silence, unsure what to make of such a statement. “A party? What party?” Derek finally asked.

“The Christmas Eve party, of course,” Nerys said, grinning, enjoying this bit of lording things over the boys.

“You mean… Christmas day, right?” Grant asked, sounding confused. “You wanted it for the gift handouts or something and then had second thoughts but blurted it out?”

“Nope! It was Christmas Eve, upstairs in the dining hall,” Nerys said firmly. Sophia finally noticed the surprised expressions on the sponsor’s faces. “It was a fun party, there was good food, and gifts, and a big beautiful Christmas tree all decorated up.”

Derek finally looked at Evelyn. “Did Nerys really go to a Christmas Eve party? Upstairs?”

Evelyn smiled, having recovered. “Yes, Derek, she did,” she said quietly. “It was a request that we honored in the spirit of her progress.”

“Was Sophia at it as well?” Owen asked.

“Yes, they both went, and they were adorable together,” Evelyn said and grinned.

Sophia felt her face blush and glanced at Nerys, who had buried her head in her hands. “It’s quite true, you two were beyond adorable together,” Stephanie said, having entered unnoticed in the middle of this.

“Stephanieee,” Nerys said from behind her hands, drawing her name out. “Could you not?”

“Yes, yes, of course, everyone should forget that Evelyn and I said anything about how adorable they were,” Stephanie said, winking. “If you’ve finished lunch, clear out. And be in the common room in ten minutes! Attendance mandatory.”

The others grumbled a bit but started stacking their empty plates and headed into the common room.

When all who was left in the room was Stephanie, Sophia and Nerys, Stephanie came and sat down by them. “Heya! Maria sent me down to check up on you two, and I walk in to Nerys spilling the beans about the Christmas Eve party!”

“I’m sorry, Stephanie,” Nerys said quietly. “I didn’t think before I spoke.”

“It’s okay, they were going to learn eventually,” she said. “And it seems to have gone okay. How are you two feeling about Randal?”

“Uhhh… can I be honest?” Nerys asked timidly.

“Fire away.”

“Conflicted,” Nerys said, frowning. “Like, did he really learn anything? He’s still… Randal. He’s always going to be a problem.”

“What Nerys said,” Sophia chimed in.

“Well, Maria thinks he learned a bit, at least in this one aspect,” Stephanie said. “She’s been at this for a lot of years now — she knows her bad boy psychology pretty well.”

“But he’s not admitted that his site’s users doing it to others is bad yet?” Sophia asked.

“No, but it’s a process,” Stephanie said, smiling. “We can’t push them all the time, there has to be moments where we give the boys room to grow, to learn, to think.”

Sophia nodded slowly. “Okay… I guess I’m going to trust Maria.”

“Yeah, I guess same,” Nerys said with a frown. “Not sure what else I can do,”

“You two head on into the common room,” Stephanie said, standing. “I’ll take care of your plates.”

“Thanks, Stephanie,” Nerys said. She stood and took Sophia’s offered hand, and they went into the common room together. They found a seat and cuddled up to each other. Sophia noticed that Grant and Carl and Derek and Owen were closer to each other than normal, but still not like them.

Stephanie came in and moved a stool near the dining room door and signaled through the glass doors. A pair of girls opened them, as they had for past reintroductions, and Randal stepped into the common room. Maria guided him towards the stool, which he sat on slowly.

“Hello all, I know none of you are thrilled to see me ever, but Sophia, Nerys, I want to apologize to both of you. For real this time,” Randal said, and Sophia felt his voice was more earnest than it had ever been down here. “Last time, I was mostly just playing along because I wanted out of that cell. But I’ve come to understand how upsetting someone calling you a name you don’t want to be called can be. Anyway, I’m sorry, really. And uh, Grant and Carl, please be good about this, I know I’ve given you a lot of shit, and I’m not mad you took the name and ran with it, I get it, there was… a time I would’ve too. Please, though, can you use Randal for now?”

Sophia was surprised, he actually sounded… contrite? She decided to poke the bear first, though. “Before I accept your apology to me,” she said, crossing her arms. “What about the people on your site did it to?”

Randal hesitated. “What the users of my site did was their business. But for the times I took part, I’m sorry,” he said, unable to hold her gaze.

Sophia wasn’t entirely sure how to respond, she let her eyes flick over to Maria, beside and a bit behind Randal. Her face registered a brief glimmer of surprise, and Sophia made up her mind. “Apology accepted Randal. For me. Not for what you did to anyone else. And I think you should think about your role in enabling the users of your site.”

“That’s —” Randal’s eyes flashed through a series of expressions, starting with anger and ending in defeat. “— That’s fair,” he said, finishing quietly.

Sophia was pretty sure Maria was doing cartwheels in her mind. But she had other things to do. Nerys had curled herself into Sophia, and Sophia had instinctively wrapped herself around Nerys. “Are you okay?” Sophia whispered as quietly as she could to Nerys.

Nerys nodded. “Yeah, I’m okay,” she said quietly. Nerys uncurled enough to look at Randal. “I don’t think it’s my place to forgive you. Just do better, Randal.”

Grant finally found words. “You want to be Randal? Fine, whatever floats your boat. Leave Carl and me out of it,” Grant said with disdain. Carl nodded, crossed his arms in front of his chest, and turned away from Randal.

Randal looked at Maria, who nodded, and Randal got down off the stool and retreated to the same beanbag he always sat on now when he was in the common room. A complete non-event of a reintroduction. The afternoon passed pretty quietly; they convinced Sophia to put on a non-Christmas romcom, she obliged with Valentine’s Day which caused a wave of groans as it started.

***

Jessica’s phone buzzed as she left her office. She didn’t have to look to see who it was — she knew it would be Donna. She wasn’t entirely sure what she was doing; she still thought Donna or Ellen must have had some tie to Trev and gotten them spooked. And maybe that meant something about her daughter and Trev’s theory her daughter had been kidnapped.

But, Donna was nice, and she was her first non-work or church friend in a long time. She had helped Jessica find an LGBT youth group near her that needed a volunteer, and tonight was her first night helping at it. She pulled her phone out to look at the message and chat for a bit as she walked to her car.

Donna: Heya! Hope your day’s going okay, you’re going to be helping at the group tonight, right?

Jessica: Oh hey! Yes! Was just getting ready to head over.

Donna: What are they doing tonight?

Jessica: I think it’s just their weekly community hangout for the teens, I don’t know the specific agenda, I’m just there to keep an eye on the table as people arrive.

Donna: Well, I hope it goes well!

Jessica: I’ll tell you after!

Jessica put her phone back in her purse and double checked that she had her keys and other necessities. She got in her crummy little car, and drove across town towards the community hall where the group met. It wasn’t a permanent location, but the group held weekly meetings there. She was still surprised to have found a group to help with so quickly, and was still a bit unsure this was a good idea. But she needed to do this — to learn, to grow, to make amends for her actions in some small way.

She smiled as she walked in, and immediately the coordinator of the group, Belinda, got her to start setting up chairs and tables. Putting out flyers and name/pronoun labels and buttons on the table. And then suddenly she was there with another volunteer at the table, greeting the kids as they arrived and quickly filled out their names and pronouns. All varieties of kids. She didn’t understand most of them, but they were so happy, and so she put on a big smile and tried not to let her guilt eat her up.

When the kids had mostly all arrived, she sat back down next to the other person working the table. “They’re a lot, aren’t they?” the other woman asked.

“They certainly seem to be,” Jessica said quietly, munching on a biscuit another volunteer had provided.

“Name’s Rachel, by the way!”

“Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you Rachel, I’m Jessica.” She smiled.

“You should make out one of those little name stickers for you, at least for the first few weeks until the kids get used to you.”

“Right, yes, that’s a good idea.”

“So, what brings you here? I didn’t see you arrive with a kid and no offense Jessica, but you don’t exactly seem like a queer person.”

“Oh! Uh. No. Not me. Boring. Straight. Cis. No kids, well, not anymore.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, did you lose one?”

Jessica looked down and felt her face flush. “Yeah. Sort of. I, uh, maybe another night.”

“Sure, right, well, so long as you’re here to help them,” Rachel said, putting a hand on her shoulder and nodding at the kids laughing and talking. “And you had better not cause trouble for the kids.”

“No!” Jessica said, and realized she had said it far too strong. “No, sorry, absolutely not. I’m… I just want to help. The way that…”

Rachel nodded. “See her over there?” Rachel said, pointing discretely in the direction of Belinda, who was currently speaking with the kids a bit.

“Yeah?”

“That’s my wife. We’re trying to provide the place we didn’t really have a decade ago.”

“Oh, yeah,” Jessica said, nodding. “I hadn’t ever really thought what it was like for them even that recently.”

“Just make sure you’re here for them. Not out of some sort of self-pity or penance or whatever else you got going on.”

“Right, yes, of course,” Jessica said, nodding. “I admit, a part of me thought about it like that before getting here, but seeing these kids — it can’t be like that, I know. I won’t put my issues on them.”

“Good. That’s all I ask,” Rachel said and looked back to the kids and Belinda. “Oh! Sorry, gotta go, she needs me for something. Keep an eye on the table; maybe try reading some pamphlets, you might learn a thing or two about these kids. Or even yourself — you never know.”

“Sure, it was nice meeting you, Rachel,” Jessica said, smiling faintly.

“Oh! Do you want to come out to dinner with us tonight?” Rachel asked, half turning as she walked over. “We usually do a late dinner after.”

“I’ll think about, thanks,” Jessica said and smiled faintly.

Rachel got up and waved and headed over to help with whatever. Jessica picked up one of the pamphlets. An NHS one about hormone therapy; she had done a little reading on the topic, and wondered briefly if her daughter had ever read this one. Her mind wandered back to when it all fell apart. She was still cycling on the past too much, she knew, but she couldn’t entirely stop it.

There was the first Christmas after. Malcolm had wanted to go on holiday alone together, like they had that first year before James had come along. She had flat out refused. The first major thing she could remember that she had ever refused him. And then she moved out a month and a half later. She couldn’t stand the sight of him anymore. At first, it was officially a ‘trial separation’ or whatever, but unofficially, she wanted nothing to do with him ever again. Malcolm had cost her her son — her daughter, she always reminded herself.

And then there was the Christmas after that. They had been living apart for ten months; he had insisted that they have Christmas dinner with his parents in an effort to ‘mend fences’. His parents had invited his whole god-damned extended family, who all praised him for doing what it took to protect his ‘family’ and his ‘faith.’ She got up and left before the main course was even served, and the divorce was finalized just under a year ago.

She set the pamphlet down, she couldn’t focus on reading it anyway. Jessica realized the meeting was wrapping up and the kids were shuffling out to bikes, buses, and a few to waiting cars of parents or siblings. She smiled and waved at them as they filed out. And eventually, they were gone, and she was helping Belinda and her wife Rachel put things away. “Thanks for your help tonight, Jessica,” Belinda said. “I’ve been meaning to ask, how did you hear about us? We aren’t one of the bigger or better-known groups.”

“Oh, uh, a friend mentioned it to me, Donna,” Jessica said, smiling. “She was helping me find places or ways I could help out. She said she stumbled on your Facebook page and realized it was pretty close to me.”

“Oh, cool, glad you’ve got a friend like that,” Rachel said.

“Rachel said she invited you to dinner with us — do you want to come?”

“Oh, sure, where to?” Jessica asked smiling.

“Oh, just the pub down the street, nothing fancy. We usually walk over.”

“Sure, sounds good,” Jessica said and followed them out into the parking lot when they had finished putting things away. She waited while Rachel handled locking up the building and then took Rachels offered arm as the three of them walked down to the pub.

She told them part of her story, and right before she went to bed, she texted Donna.

Jessica: it was good to get out and do something, thank you for pointing me at them, Belinda and Rachel are a delight.

She then silenced her phone, turned the lights out and closed her eyes.

***

Nerys was cuddled up with Sophia on her bed; they had been experimenting more since last week, and she was enjoying herself. A part of her felt at the back of her mind that this was weird.But she had felt more connection with Sophia in the last couple of months than she had in a year and a half with her girlfriend before Dorley.

Sophia nuzzled at her neck gently, and Nerys returned the favor, kissing Sophia on the top of her head. “That was a lot of fun,” Nerys said, smiling. “A bit confusing at first, but fun.”

“You liked it?” Sophia asked quietly. “I read about it in stories plenty… and it was far more practical sounding than most of the things in them. If you don’t mind me asking, though, what was confusing?”

“I, uh,” Nerys said quietly, “I’ve never been touched there. And it was kind of eye-opening. I’m… not really sure what it means beyond that.”

“Does it have to mean anything?” Sophia asked, smiling up at Nerys.

“I mean guys don’t…” she frowned. “But also I’m… I’m not really a guy, am I?”

“Plenty of guys do,” Sophia said, smiling back at Nerys. “But I get it, I don’t really know what it means either.”

“I mean, you want rid of… I…” Nerys’s brain couldn’t say what she felt.

“I do,” she said, nodding. “But wanting that thing gone doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy other means of touching you there. Not like I used it today, after all.” She burst into giggles.

Nerys laughed with her. “As long as you’re okay doing it, I enjoy it,” she said, grinning. “I still wonder what it ‘means’ but maybe for now it’s okay to not know.”

“So, I uh, was thinking, I want to do something special for you for Valentine’s Day,” Sophia said quietly. “But I don’t want to do anything that would make you feel uncomfortable…”

Nerys laughed. “I wonder what we could even do? It’s not like they are going to let us go wandering out of Dorley.”

Sophia giggled. “Yes, hi, Stephanie, we would like to do a candlelit Valentine’s at the finest restaurant in Almsworth. Yes, us two first years, no, I don’t see a problem with that.”

“We could still do a nice meal together, maybe?” Nerys asked. “Just here in your room away from the others?”

“Oh! My room! Upstairs!” Sophia said, excitedly pushing up a bit more next to Nerys. “I bet they would let us use it, and you’ve been there before.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Nerys said, grinning big. “It’s got its own shower and everything. Imagine, privacy while showering.”

Sophia wiggled around to face Nerys better. “Or lack of privacy while showering,” she said with an absolutely wicked grin on her face.

Nerys laughed. “You naughty girl! What would your paren—,” Nerys started to say and then immediately realized what she had said and stopped mid-word. She realized Sophia was already starting to close off. Sophia retracted her arms from around Nerys and would’ve curled up if she wasn’t so close to Nerys. Nerys quickly pulled Sophia into a tight hug. “I’m sorry Soph, really, I slipped, that’s my fault. You’re okay?”

Sophia nodded, but Nerys could still hear her quietly crying in her arms. She just lay there with Sophia until she stopped. “Thank you, Nerys,” Sophia finally said quietly.

“I’m sorry, really and truly. I… I should know better,” Nerys said, stumbling over the words. She felt like shit. Stupid Nerys — just falling back on the stupid tropes from those stupid fucking captions.

“It’s okay, should we watch an episode of Deep Space Nine and forget?” Sophia asked quietly.

“Oh, uh, the next one is on Mary’s ‘we must watch and chat about it together’ list,” Nerys said briefly frowning. She didn’t like having to do it — Mary could be way too think-y about things — but she was enjoying getting to see it and actually understand what was going on. “How about that vampire show? I know we haven’t finished all of it yet. And even if we have, it seems like there’s always another vampire series.”

Sophia giggled, and rolled back to where she could see the computer monitor. “Vampires it is”, she said and reached for her phone. “Valentines upstairs in my room does sound fun, though, right?”

“Absolutely! I’ll talk to Mary tomorrow, and you’ll talk to Stephanie?”

“Yup, first thing,” Sophia used her phone to get the next episode of the vampire series playing, and giggled when Nerys groaned a bit theatrically as its intro started.

2024 February 10, Saturday

Christine leaned back in her chair in the conference room and stretched her arms out. The last two weeks had been hectic for her, what with that mess up in Edinburgh, as well as Trev and Jessica on top of her other responsibilities and job. Almost as hectic as the events that served as mere background for the current ongoing crisis. How had Trev known? Why had they told Jessica? None of it made any sense. The others in the room looked similarly tired.

“Any word about Trev?” Christine asked after she leaned back upright.

“No, none — they’ve gone to ground,” Elle said, exhaling sharply enough to hear and see on the screen over video chat. “And all that Summer’s could tell us is that Trev gave the pair of them the keys to the safehouse and a rental car, and then left immediately after.”

“What could’ve possessed them to do this?” Indira said, frowning.

“Revenge? They’ve had years,” Maria said.

“They seemed happy enough with the arrangement until this, though,” Christine groaned. “It’s always something.”

“Maybe it’s this damn fool connection?” Maria asked. “One poker game five years ago? Is that enough of a connection for them to break silence?”

“But how did they know?” Elle asked through the speakers. “They don’t have this kind of access — they’ve not had any involvement in the pickups, or known anything about Dorley’s day to day, deliberately. I only bring them in on certain special personal projects that have no direct connection to Dorley.”

“Water cooler talk?” Maria offered. “Or pillow talk for that matter. It’s been known to happen.”

“The alternatives —“ Christine said, her frown deepening, “— are nigh unthinkable. You practically burned Peckinville to the ground after the Declan disaster,” Christine said, shuddering at the thought of those events.

Elle nodded on the large display. “We revetted everyone from me on down. There were several people who had to be dealt with, and our vetting since then has been at least as intense. Anything more than an idle slip would be hard to believe. We will have to go back to the beginning and recheck the chain.“

“What would we even do if we found Trev?” Indira asked. “I can’t condone their murder — or even locking them away forever. They gave a friend in pain a glimmer of hope — hope that may yet wreck us all — but we’ve all lost people or know someone who has. Can we honestly say we might not do the same? If we knew where someone they loved might have been taken?”

Bea frowned. “No. We wouldn’t do that to Trev. We just want to speak with them. Val would never forgive me for…” Bea’s voice trailed off. “Sorry, no, we will not murder dear Trev — or disappear them. We just need to make sure there isn’t further cancer in the system that we need to remove.”

“And Jessica?” Indira asked, raised an eyebrow. “I mean, when Sophia finds out eventually, she’s going to be very upset.”

“Jessica’s shown no further interest in Dorley; her search history and every other aspect of her digital life has been clean in that regard,” Christine said, crossing her arms. “In spite of that final text from what I must assume was also Trev. And her texts with Donna have been extremely mundane, weather, local gossip, clothes, hobbies. And Donna managed to find her an outlet for her guilt that, we believe, will distract her fairly well.”

“Was it really wise to put her in contact with Rachel and Belinda, of all people?” Edy asked, sitting beside Maria.

“They run the closest group to her by an hour. While Belinda was never read in, and reading Rachel in went less than optimally, we believe Rachel would contact Shahida and Melissa before the two of them did anything too rash,” Indira said, grimacing. “We hope, anyway.”

“Hopes and dreams do seem to make this world turn around, at least here at Dorley,” Bea said with a faint smile.

“I think there’s an edited mug wandering around somewhere with that on it,” Maria said with a laugh.

“I’ve seen it!” Christine said grinning. “That one’s freaking awful.”

Elle laughed. “I think that draws this monthly meeting to a close. I’ll keep you all in the loop if anything further turns up regarding Trev.”

Elle’s image on the monitor winked out, and Christine stood up from the security desk and stretched. “I’ve got some Valentine’s Day preparations to make before I go home and enjoy a nice quiet evening with Paige,” Christine said, smiling faintly. “Fingers crossed and knock on wood for no more surprises for a bit — I’d like to get through to the orchi’s without incident.”

2024 February 14, Wednesday

Stephanie slowly woke up to the smell of a good breakfast, which was a touch unusual. Usually if they weren’t stealing leftovers, they were heating something quick in the microwave. She rolled over and saw Ellen with a big grin on her face, carrying a tray of food over. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Steph,” Ellen said, smiling brightly.

Stephanie rubbed the sleep from her eyes and pushed herself upright in the bed. “Breakfast in bed? For moi? You are too kind, El, really,” Stephanie said, smiling as her fiancée set the tray on the bed in front of her.

“Not in the slightest, besides, todays a big day — I believe we are involved in arranging for a liaison between Sophia and Nerys tonight,” Ellen said grinning. “You’ll need your energy.”

“Oh, right! I’m just glad that everything arrived in time for it,” Stephanie giggled. She had gone in with Mary and gotten some gifts for Sophia and Nerys as a surprise for their night in Sophia’s first floor room. “This smells delicious, El — who cooked it?” Stephanie asked with a smirk.

Ellen scoffed. “I’m offended! I can cook! I choose to steal leftovers,” she said and laughed. “Zoe helped, maybe a bit. Okay, maybe a lot.”

Stephanie laughed. “There it is! Come here and eat with me,” she said and patted the bed next to her. “There’s far too much for just me here.”

Ellen sat on the bed gently next to Stephanie, careful not to disturb the tray. “Well, if you insist!” Ellen said and leaned over and gave Stephanie a kiss on the lips, and picked up one of the croissants.

They laughed and talked and fed each other, and eventually the tray was empty. “So…” Stephanie said, drawing the syllable out as she set the tray aside on the floor. “I don’t have a class until this afternoon… how’s your morning looking?”

Ellen laughed. “I don’t know… I should probably write that paper that’s due next week,” she said, winking at Stephanie and moved to get up off the bed.

Stephanie growled in mock frustration. “Come here, you silly spiky little egg,” she said and grabbed Ellen’s hand and pulled her back to the bed. “You can write the paper this weekend.”

“Foul temptress!” Ellen said, putting her free hand on her head and swooning. “Your charms are too irresistible! Ravish me, Stephanie, my beloved,” Ellen said and finished in a fit of giggles.

Stephanie rolled on top of Ellen. “Ellen you goof, I love you, happy Valentine’s Day,” Stephanie said and began kissing Ellen’s neck, and her free hand moved towards Ellen’s sleep shorts, pushing her way into them. Ellen responded in the way she usually did under Stephanie’s care, moaning theatrically but also clearly enjoying herself, and giving ultimately as good as she got.

***

Melissa had her hands full of sandwich when her phone started ringing. Normally, she would’ve had it silenced while out with her wives on a lunch date, but the three of them had been expecting an important call all week. Melissa, Shahida and Abby were seated outside at a café in Almsworth, despite the cold; a heater nearby was barely helping. They had agreed not to go all out on a fancy dinner tonight, but they did still want some meal out together today.

The ringtone was How You Get The Girl and for all they had been expecting her call, Melissa was still surprised. She quickly dug in her purse for her phone, and in her haste fumbled it, dropping it on the table, knocking into her mug, spilling a bit of coffee on her phone. “Shit,” she said and grabbed at it again.

Abby smiled and reached out and rubbed Melissa’s back with one hand, and quickly moving to mop up with the other. “Hey, it’s okay,” she said, smiling faintly. “Whatever news she has, it will be okay, just answer it.”

Melissa smiled faintly and tapped the answer icon before it could go to voice mail. “Hello Melissa!” Auntie Ashley’s voice came through loudly immediately upon connecting, even without speakerphone on.

“Auntie Ashley!” Melissa said slightly nervously. “Just a second, let me put you on speaker.” She was glad no one else was outside at the café — even if the call wouldn’t be Dorley business, the call would still be pretty personal.

“Hi Auntie Ashley,” Shahida said warmly. “We’re all out at lunch for Valentine’s Day, freezing our bums off outside a café in Almsworth. How are you?”

“Oh my! Do go inside soon!” Auntie Ashley said, the concern in her voice clear. “It’s far too cold today for that kind of nonsense. I suppose, though, it would be better for this kind of conversation to not be inside.”

“And just what kind of conversation will it be, Ashley?” Abby asked, as all three took each other’s hands around the table. They were exchanging nervous looks and squeezing each other’s hands.

“Hi Abby! The good kind! The great kind!” Ashley said brightly, her own excitement extremely evident. “The paperwork just came through! You ladies all ready to do a trial with her? It has to start today!”

“Holy shit,” Melissa said faintly. “Today? That’s really quick!”

“It is, but I know you lot can handle it,” Ashley said confidently. “You’ve got her room all set up, right?”

“Yes! Abby and Em just finished painting it this weekend,” Shahida said. “We’ve been getting it all decorated and ready — I’m sure she’ll love it.”

“Well, get your lunch finished and get home! The social worker will be bringing her by about 1400.”

“Right!” Abby said smartly. “We’ll be there ready and waiting for her. Thank you so much, Auntie!”

“Yes! Thank you so much, Auntie!” Shahida said enthusiastically.

“Thank you, Auntie,” Melissa managed more quietly, but still warmly. She knew her heart rate was spiking. Could the three of them really do this? A month ago, Auntie Ashley had approached them with a possibility. A young trans girl, barely even primary school aged — orphaned and in need of a home that could love and support and protect her in a world of hatred. They had met her a few times over the last few weeks, and had been waiting to hear whether they’d been approved for a week’s trial, and preparing a room for her in their house on the hope of it.

Shahida noticed Melissa getting lost in her thoughts, and started rubbing the back of her hand. “Hey Em, it’s okay,” she said quietly. “The call’s over, you’re okay, and it’s good that it’s happening.”

Abby nodded and put her hand on Melissa’s shoulder. “We’ve got this, all of us, together.”

“Do we?” Melissa said, she knew the panic was rising in her voice. “I… I’ve never, I don’t… My own…”

“All new parents are nervous, it’s okay,” Abby said. “And we’ve been going to those classes Ashley recommended as well. We can do this. And we will have so much help from our families. I mean, seriously, we will never want for a babysitter when we need one.”

“Right, yeah,” Melissa said, trying to breathe, to ride the wave of emotions. It wouldn’t do to have the social worker or Amelia seeing her panicking when she gets dropped off. “Let’s see, what was our plan? A cake and banner for tonight? Can we get that in two hours? Is there anything else?”

“We sure can, and with three of us we can cover a lot of ground,” Shahida said confidently. She pulled out her phone and started messing with her lists on it. Then Abby and Melissa’s phones buzzed as she updated the lists with the things they could get done in time. “We’ll just do what we can, and meet back at the house, okay?”

“Absolutely!” Abby said, and took the last bite of her sandwich. “And finish your food, Lissa, raising a kid takes calories.”

Melissa laughed. “I ate a big breakfast!” she protested but picked up the last few bites of her sandwich and finished it, grinning at Abby.

***

Evelyn sat on one of the couches in the basement near the back with Tabby and Monica. Nerys, Sophia, Derek, and Owen were sitting closer to the TV and watching Deep Space Nine — specifically the baseball episode, and while she didn’t really know the series or characters, it was fun.

The girls — and boys for now — were laughing even if they didn’t know anything about baseball, and it was a fairly low-pressure day that she was just enjoying.

Mary came in and sat down next to her. “Everything’s ready upstairs,” she said quietly to the other sponsors.

Evelyn giggled. “I hope the two of them have a wonderful time together tonight,” she said. “Still wild that Nerys is going up to the first floor, again, for that matter. And overnight to boot!”

“The world is truly full of wonder,” Tabby said, grinning and nodding.

Evelyn sat there and watched the girls while the other sponsors chatted among themselves. Her mind had too much time to think down here without her own charge to sponsor now, but she was committed to helping this intake even with Brent gone. She shivered a bit — the basement was frequently too cold for her taste.

Had they — had she — made the right call with Brent? Maybe he could’ve been salvaged somehow. Even freaking Randal was making progress; slow and lurching as it was, it was still progress. Would isolation have worked for Brent? Or perhaps beating him in a show of strength? Every possible punishment and torture ran through her mind, every note and file she’d read about how people had handled things in the past.

She could feel the spiral deepening, and her breathing was getting slowly more shallow and rapid. And then she felt Mary’s arm around her. “Your grace is your most precious gift…” Mary whispered in her ear. And Evelyn completed the prayer in her head, silently mouthing it, Please, Lord, make me worthy of it.

“Thank you, Mary,” she whispered when she had finished it.

“Somehow I knew you were spiraling,” Mary said quietly. “Brent again?”

Evelyn nodded and frowned, taking Mary’s other hand and squeezed it. “Always,” she said quietly. “But looking at them —,“ she nodded in the direction of the kids of this year’s intake, “— I still can’t imagine a path from where he was to where they are. Even Randal has come farther than I think Brent could’ve.”

Monica leaned over and placed her hand on Evelyn’s free hand. “It’s never easy being the sponsor of a washout,” she said reassuringly. “You did everything you could, and he was worse than we could’ve known when we decided to take him in.”

Mary’s watch beeped. “Oh, time to get set up for lunch, want to come help?” she asked looking at Evelyn.

Evelyn smiled. “Better than sitting here watching that silly show,” she said with a laugh. She stood and stretched and walked hand in hand with Mary towards the stairs up to get lunch for the boys.

***

Christine and Paige were sitting in bed still; they hadn’t really left it all day except for necessities. She hadn’t scheduled any voice therapy appointments today, and Paige had posted that she was going to be with her wife all day on her socials and logged out. They had been having a nice day of cuddling, making out and generally making a mess of the sheets repeatedly, and were just lounging next to each other after their latest round.

“Paige?” Christine asked quietly.

“Yeah?” Paige asked, looking up at her.

“Can I check my phone? I just… I have this feeling…” she asked quietly. She had sworn to Paige last night to no computer and no phone today.

“Teenie…” Paige said with a sigh. “Okay. But only because your instincts are really good about this kind of thing.”

Christine leaned over and picked her phone up off the charger puck, and unlocked it. She opened Consensus swiping, and saw, like, a dozen messages from Melissa which she quickly read and started squealing with excitement. “What is it, babe?” Paige asked.

“Holy shit, babe, Melissa, Abby, and Shy are getting their shot!” Christine said. “Their trial with her is starting in, like, fifteen minutes.”

“Holy crap,” Paige whistled. “Good luck to ‘em, that kid’s going to need all the help she can get.”

“Well who better than two deep stealth trans women and someone who loves both of them unconditionally?” Christine said, smiling at her phone and looking at the picture Melissa had sent. “She is adorable,” and angled the phone, so Paige could see.

“So adorable. Okay, phone time done,” Paige ordered. “And as penance, you have to go down this time.”

“As if that’s really a punishment,” Christine said with a laugh and tossed her phone back on its charging puck. She moved to where she could give Paige what she was after, and Paige responded quickly to her tongue’s ministrations. Christine loved that she could make Paige this happy, and endeavoured to do her best every time.

When Paige finally told her it was enough, Christine came back up to lay beside Paige and turned to face her, propped up on one elbow. “My turn?” Christine asked, grinning.

Paige glanced at the clock on her bedside table. “Nope! We need to start getting ready for the restaurant,” Paige said with a wicked grin. “Starting with a shower because you’re all sweaty and that just won’t do! The place we’re going to is respectable like that.”

“Oh, I see how it is,” Christine said with a grin and rolled off their bed and led the way into their shower. They took an extended shower together, during which the ratio of getting dirtier to getting clean was decidedly biased in favor of dirtier. And then they both got out and started preparations for going to a nice, quiet dinner for two at one of the nicer restaurants in Almsworth.

Paige went to the bedroom to change while Christine used the bathroom. Both wanted to surprise the other with their outfit and underthings for the evening. Christine’s off the shoulder little black dress was short, flared, and daring by her standards, and she knew Paige would adore her in it. Her lingerie was perhaps a bit cliché for Valentine’s Day, being red and lacy, but it was such a gorgeous set she couldn’t resist it when she saw it in the store last week.

Hopefully Paige wouldn’t be able to resist it either.

***

“Oh to be Stephanie, or for that matter, Mary,” Monica said wistfully standing against the back wall of the common room near the couches. “To have tonight more or less off with our girls firmly ensconced in each other’s embrace, and secure up on the first floor away from the not-quite-yet-girls.”

Maria, sitting on a couch nearby, laughed. “This year continues to amaze me. Right now, those two are being prettied up for a romantic evening, meanwhile —” Maria gesturing at the boys assembled in the common room, “— we get stuck with these chuckleheads.”

“Hey! I’d be upstairs too if I was Sophia’s girlfriend,” Owen whined and crossed his arms. “It’s not fair!”

Derek patted him on the shoulder. “Sophia has at least some taste. I, too, would pick Nerys over you,” he said, grinning at his regular companion. Monica suppressed a smirk — Owen was going to make a beautiful girl in her estimation. Derek had even told her last week that he wondered if he had feelings for Owen, and she had to reassure him that if he did, it was okay to have them. Admittedly, Owen had a lot of growing mentally to go before he was going to be relationship material for anyone, much less Derek.

Randal growled something unintelligible from his beanbag chair not far from Maria. “What was that, Randal?” Maria asked sweetly.

“Nothing,” Randal spat. “Always nothing, Maria.”

“Hrm, maybe,” Maria said, grinning. “Maybe you’re just lonely and bored. How about a friendly game of cards?”

“With you?” Randal scoffed. “You wouldn’t even stand a chance.”

“Oh? I didn’t even specify the game,” Maria said, arching an eyebrow. Monica had an idea of where Maria was going with this, and it wasn’t poker. “How are you at bridge?”

“Wouldn’t we need four for bridge?” Randal asked, and Monica again had to suppress a smirk — he always fell for Maria’s leading statements.

“Grant, I believe you played some before we picked you up?” Maria asked, looking over at Grant seated at one of the metal tables with a book in hand.

“Yeah, grandmum held a weekly game and insisted I learn,” Grant said. “I don’t want to play with him, though. He’d be an absolutely terrible partner.”

“Does anyone else know how to play?” Maria asked the assembled boys.

Derek sighed and raised his hand. “Yeah, I know how. And I guess I’d play a game with him,” he said to the surprise of Monica.

“Monica, could I interest you in joining me?” Maria asked, half turning back towards her.

Monica grinned big and pushed away from the wall. “Absolutely, sounds like fun,” she said and started walking towards the games cabinet to retrieve a deck of cards.

“Very well, teams are decided then?” Maria asked.

Randal growled. “Fine,” he said and turned his glare to Derek, who had stood up and stretched. “You had better be good, Derek.”

“The same to you, Randal,” Derek said calmly.

Monica could guess at what Maria was planning, and she was mostly okay with Derek getting dragged into it. She’d rather it had been Carl or Grant, but she would back Maria’s play. “On to deciding stakes, then?” she asked, smiling broadly.

“Sure — we win, you let us go,” Randal said sarcastically.

Monica laughed. “Oh, Randal, such grandiose ideas about your skills. We could accept your wager, mop the floor with you and leave you locked up, but how about a more reasonablewager?” Monica said calmly.

“Fine,” Randal said, rolling his eyes. “Real meat meals for a week, and we get to skip Indira’s lessons this week.”

“That definitely sounds like a reasonable request — deal,” Maria said with a wicked grin. “Dira would be a bit annoyed, but fair’s fair. However, to balance things out, if we win, you two have to wear skirts for the whole day tomorrow. And you can’t hide in your rooms. Backing out on this would result in a strike.”

Randal rolled his eyes. “How’s that fair?” he asked, frowning. “Threatening us with a strike? Will it be a strike if we back out of the game?”

“Nope,” Monica said. “Take a moment and make your decision together, but if you decide to play, there won’t be any backing out.”

Derek exchanged looks with Randal that Monica interpreted as ‘oh fine, but you better hold up your end of this’ from both of them — lots of rolled eyes, shrugs, and glares.

“It’s a deal,” Randal said finally.

“Yeah, deal,” Derek said, nodding, with a slight nervous tic Monica knew well enough. “But give us a few minutes to strategize?”

“Sure, take all the time you need,” Monica said, taking the deck of cards over to one of the metal tables and sitting down at it. Maria and her sat on opposite sides of the table and got the cards out and started shuffling.

“You ready for this?” Maria asked quietly.

Monica looked over at the hushed and decidedly not friendly conversation between Derek and Randal. “Yeah, although I kind of wish one of the others had chosen to be his partner. Still, nothing doing us losing. You want to string them along initially?”

“Nah, just wipe the floor with them,” Maria said quietly with a grin, and they quickly agreed to their strategy. Monica had played enough different card games with Maria over the years, including bridge, with boys and girls alike, and they knew what they were doing together usually.

After a bit, Derek and Randal came and sat at the table, glaring at each other almost as much as they glared at Maria and Monica.

Monica let them shuffle the deck again, cutting it, and letting them shuffle once more. They quickly got down to playing, and Monica watched as the pair of not-quite-yet-girls got increasingly frustrated with each other as their fate rapidly approached.

“This is your fault, Derek,” Randal spat as the last hand neared its end.

“You wouldn’t support my hearts,” Derek said, frowning and tapping the table with his index finger.

“You wouldn’t support my diamonds!” Randal said, angrily, leaning forward, prompting Maria to clear her throat. Randal sat back and crossed his arms, glaring instead.

“Randal, I’d like to trump your face,” Derek said, returning his glare.

“That does it,” Monica said, picking up the pile. “Small slam. We win the game.”

Derek sagged his shoulders in defeat, while Randal shouted incoherently briefly. Monica, meanwhile, quickly shuffled the cards back into their box and tapped it a bit before closing it. “Maybe in the future, you two could try and actually work together,” she said, arching an eyebrow. “Your game was weak; we barely even had to try.”

Randal growled and started to stand quickly with his hands balled into fists against the table when Edy cleared her throat. She was standing behind Randal, her taser out and aimed at him, no more than a dozen feet from Randal, having entered the common room mid-game. He slowed his rise and put his hands open palm in the air. “I’m just going back to my room,” he said quietly, and headed towards the double doors.

“Don’t worry,” Maria called after him. “We have your sizes for the skirt!”

Randal growled in frustration as he pulled one of the doors open and stomped out into the hallway.

Derek looked at Monica pleadingly. “I tried, Monica, honest I did,” Derek said quietly. “Do I still have to wear the skirt? I don’t, I don’t want to.”

“I know Derek,” Monica said patting his hand. “I could tell you were trying to play Randal’s game for the most part, but he was just bad at it and the farther behind the two of you got, the worse he got. He should’ve followed your lead instead. And I know you’d rather not wear a skirt, but I promise you’ll get through it tomorrow. It’s just a bit of cloth — if it helps, consider it to be a kilt.”

“Can I go to my room now?” he asked quietly.

“Yes Derek, you may, thank you for asking first,” Monica said to Derek and smiled as he stood slowly and headed out of the common room.

“Well, girls, I think it’s time you lot headed to your rooms for the night,” Maria said, standing and looking in the direction of Owen, Grant, and Carl. The remaining trio of boys grumbled a bit at her calling them girls. “I know, but some of us have plans tonight still, and they don’t involve playing babysitter to you lot. Goodnight all!”

The others stood and left, with the sponsors nudging Grant and Carl a bit to get them moving. When the boys were off down the hall towards their rooms, Edy turned to Maria and smiled. “Well then, shall we depart to our boudoir?” she asked, grinning at Maria.

“We shall!” Maria said with a grin, and they linked arms and headed upstairs.

Monica laughed at the pair of them and stopped in the Security room to make sure each boy had gone into their bedrooms and locked their doors before heading upstairs herself.

***

Jessica got out of her car and waved at Rachel and Belinda; Rachel was unlocking the door to the center, while Belinda had her hands full of bags. “You came back!” Belinda called, grinning at her. “And thanks for coming early, got a lot to do tonight.”

Jessica laughed. “Not like I’ve got anything else to do today,” she said, hoping she didn’t sound too bitter. She had separated from Malcolm right before Valentine’s Day and the divorce was finalized a year later just after it. He had tried to make it a thing — how unromantic it was of her to separate and divorce at Valentine’s Day — but she had stood her ground.

As if our relationship was ever all that romantic to begin with, she thought to herself and forced a smile on to her face anyway. Tonight wasn’t about her or her screwups, and she wasn’t going to let the kids see any of it.

“Well, this way you get to help some kids have a safe place to be who they are with their valentine or lack thereof,” Rachel said, grinning. “It’s usually quite adorable to watch them.”

“Looking forward to it,” Jessica said earnestly. “Anything extra I can do to help?”

“Oh, here,” Belinda said, holding out the bags she was carrying. “Take these inside, and I’ll be right back with the other bags from the boot.”

“Sure,” Jessica said, taking the bags and following once Rachel finally managed to get the lock to cooperate. She set the bags down on a folding table that had been left out by the hall’s last users. She started unpacking things to find bundles of various heart shaped pink and red and rainbow decorations.

Jessica turned to see Belinda coming in with another set of bags, this time with cupcakes and biscuits, all done up in hearts and rainbows. “We went all out this year,” Belinda said, smiling as she set the treats on the table. “Mind helping put up the various decorations? No particular plans for them, just trying to make the room festive.”

“Sure!” Jessica said, and started opening packs of pink hearts and crêpe paper streamers. “Got any sellotape or something?”

“Yup! Where did I put those? Oh right, here it is,” Rachel said, fishing a roll of cellophane tape out of her pocket.

They quickly strung up streamers around the doors and table and taped some hearts in various places. And just as she was helping set out the name tags and sharpies, the kids started arriving. She quickly made a name tag for herself that read ‘Jessica, She/Her’ and put it over her heart, and smiled at the first of the young people who greeted her. She greeted xem, noticing the name tag xer had made. It was so different — the kids were happy with the simple act of having someone see them as they wanted to be seen. That Jessica could do that for xer and all the others was worth it, even if she only vaguely understood them.

The evening progressed rapidly from that point on, kids arrived, made name tags, grabbed treats and ran off to hang out with their friends. Rachel handled the music and Jessica thoroughly enjoyed it, even though she didn’t know any of the bands; she made a mental note to ask Rachel for recommendations some other time. Some kids danced, some made out, most just chatted and ate the free sugary foods and drank the punch; that she was pretty sure someone had spiked; it all made her grin and remember the parties of her youth.

After a few hours, they started to leave for their homes, some having to cover back up bits of themselves, hiding who they were. It hurt to watch, to be reminded that her daughter had needed to hide herself too, but it only hardened her resolve to be better. To not be the person anyone had to hide bits of themselves from. When the last kid had left, she helped Rachel and Belinda and another volunteer take down the decorations and clean up.

“You want to join us at the pub again?” Rachel asked as she was helping them finally put the bags of decorations in the bins.

“On Valentine’s?” Jessica asked in surprise. “Surely, you two have things you would rather be doing than hanging out with this old divorcée.”

“You were doing well to hide your sadness all evening,” Rachel said, smiling and placing a hand on her shoulder. “And I doubt that the kids noticed, but it was clear as day to Belinda and me. Come on, let’s go enjoy a pint, and you can tell us a bit more than the ‘I’m divorced’ and ‘I lost my kid in the divorce’ that we got out of you last week.”

Jessica smiled faintly. “Sure, might as well, I already told those women at Dorley, Hall,” Jessica said wistfully. “What does hiding it really matter anymore? But fair warning, it will change how you look at me, and not in a good way.”

“Dorley Hall, eh?” Rachel said raising an eyebrow minutely. “I actually knew a girl who lived there once upon a time, and she still has friends there. And I sincerely doubt anything you would say would shock us that much; we’ve all made mistakes.”

“Yeah, okay” Jessica said as they started walking towards the pub. “So I guess you could say it really started when I lost myself. In him, in religion —” she started. She hoped showing them her true self wasn’t a mistake. But what else did she really have to lose? Just her only in-person friends in ages. Were they even friends? She wasn’t even sure how to classify the two of them, but she was so tired of hiding what had happened. “— and we got married right out of college.”

***

Sophia sat at the vanity in her first floor room. She had managed her entire face herself tonight; it wasn’t perfect, but she was pleased with her results. She knew that Nerys was downstairs, with Mary helping her get ready for their date. But Stephanie still wouldn’t tell her what their date would entail; she had merely smiled and said it would be a surprise, and that both of them would enjoy it. Sophia hoped Stephanie was right, but she was still a bit anxious about the unknown.

She was still conflicted about what was coming for Nerys and the others — they hadn’t asked for this, and despite significant evidence to the contrary, it seemed mad. But… she was over the moon that in just sixteen days, she would be nearly entirely sans testosterone forever more. No more need for goserelin implants, no more warping of her body into a shape she was disgusted by. Nerys had been insisting she was okay with all of it happening, and even asked Mary when her orchi would be. The nagging guilt and doubt in her mind wouldn’t quite go away, though.

Stephanie was sitting near her on the couch, quietly smiling at her phone, giggling occasionally. “What’s so funny?” she asked, turning to look at her and crossing her arms.

“Oh! Just Ellen being Ellen,” Stephanie said, putting her phone down and grinning. “She’s sending me silly memes and walls of text that are hilarious, and more than a touch inappropriate.”

“So, what do you think?” Sophia asked nervously. “Do you think Nerys will like it?”

Stephanie leaned over and took a closer look. “Sweetie, Nerys is going to love it!” she said. “Excellent job.”

“Are you sure you won’t tell me what the surprise is?” Sophia said and batted her eyelashes. “You already gave me the lingerie, and I know you said the second years had cooked us something, so what else could there be? Not like you’d let us go anywhere.”

Stephanie’s phone beeped. “And that’s Mary letting us know she and Nerys on the way up. Shall we go meet them at the stairwell?” Stephanie asked, grinning. “Oh, and here, one more piece of your outfit.” Stephanie stood and walked over to the wardrobe and pulled out a heavy coat. “It’s pretty cold out. But don’t put it on just yet — I’m sure you want Nerys to see your dress after all.”

“Wait, we’re going outside?” Sophia asked, her surprise clear. She took the coat from Stephanie and draped it over her arm, while Stephanie got her coat out of the wardrobe and put it on without buttoning it up. Sophia hadn’t left Dorley since she arrived, although she knew she could unlock the doors between her and outside for a bit if she really wanted to. But they would probably come after her, and she had nowhere to go to. And despite all her inner conflict, she couldn’t just leave Nerys here alone, so she hadn’t tried.

“Well, sort of — you’ll see!” Stephanie said and smiled at her. They walked towards the internal stairwell that connects the secure floors without going all the way up, and Stephanie remained stubbornly silent as to the plan.

They didn’t have to wait very long; she heard the lock cycling and Nerys came through with Mary right behind her, carrying a pair of coats. Nerys was wearing a gorgeous dress, floor length, black, and covered in the stars of some galaxy in purples and reds. Sophia found herself breathless at how she looked.

Nerys rushed over and pulled Sophia into a hug. “Sophia, you look so pretty! Did you do that all yourself?”

Sophia broke out of her stupor and returned Nerys’s hug, and kissed her on the lips quickly. “Yes, yes, I did! And you!” she said, stepping back but holding Nerys’s shoulders still, looking at her. “That dress is stunning — where did you find it?”

“Mary showed me some options on a website and this one just seemed so perfect.”

“It really is,” Sophia said and kissed Nerys again, but slower this time, ending with their foreheads together.

“Do you know what’s with the coats?” Nerys asked. “Mary won’t say a word! Surely, they wouldn’t let us just… go outside? I might run away! Not that I would, but you know how it is.”

Mary laughed. “Not quite,” she said with a wink. “Come on, both of you put your coats on. You’ve seen each other’s dresses.”

Mary helped Nerys on with her coat while Stephanie helped Sophia on with hers, and then Mary quickly put on her own coat. She started to head for the stairs, but Stephanie put a hand on her shoulder and turned toward the other stairway. The one she had wandered up that night after learning about Evelyn’s past weeks ago, the one that led to the lobby beyond the locks on the ground floor. The one the cis floors — as Stephanie called them — used.

Stephanie paused near it and checked her phone. “All clear!” she said happily. “And the girls are paying attention on the other floors.”

“Up we go then!” Mary said, leading the way, she unlocked the door into the stairwell and held it open. They spiraled around up the stairs, past the locked door of the second, and the unlocked third, fourth, and fifth floors, and finally, what she realized must be a door out on to the roof. Dashing ahead, Stephanie opened and held the door for them.

Sophia was holding Nerys’s arm and braced for the cold, and Stephanie wasn’t wrong — it waspretty cold out here, causing her to shiver briefly. But then she looked at where Stephanie was pointing, and she saw there in the middle of a little rock garden on the roof, under an awning, a pair of space heaters. There were fairy lights strung under the awning, and in the middle of it all was a table set for two, lit by actual candles no less. There was music playing out of a speaker somewhere, and Zoe, of all people, was standing by the table in a heavy coat and scarf. Beside her stood a cart with a pair of chafing dishes on it, keeping the food warm.

“This, by the way, is the surprise,” Stephanie said, grinning. “And don’t worry about us or uninvited guests, we’ll be here guarding the stairwell, no other ways up or down. Well, apart from the trellises — I don’t recommend trying those. When you’ve finished the meal, just knock, and we’ll escort you back down, okay?”

Sophia turned to Stephanie with a giant grin and let go of Nerys for a moment to hug her. “Oh my god, it’s so pretty!” she said excitedly. “Thank you, Stephanie.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie,” Stephanie said, returning the hug. “Now go on and enjoy your meal.”

Nerys smiled faintly at Mary. “Thank you, Mary — really, this is great,” she said and turned to gently hug Mary.

“You are both very welcome,” Mary said. “We’ll see you in a bit; have a good time!”

Nerys and Sophia relinked their arms and walked over towards Zoe, who helped them both get seated in their dresses and coats. “And you, Zoe,” Sophia said when she was seated. “What are you doing up here in the cold? We could have served ourselves.”

“It’s my pleasure, Sophia, really,” Zoe said, smiling. “Riley doesn’t really go in for Valentine’s Day — bad memories — so I decided to offer to help the sponsors out with a meal for you two.”

“Well, thank you very much, Zoe,” Nerys said. “It smells wonderful.”

“Wait until you taste it!” Zoe said, grinning, and she pulled out from under the dishes a pair of plates, already filled out with lamb chops, green beans and creamy-looking mashed potatoes.

“Oh, wow,” Sophia said, her eyes wide. “This is too much!”

“Eat! Enjoy! I enjoy cooking, and I like to see people enjoy what I make.” Zoe said brightly and took a step back towards one of the space heaters.

Nerys and Sophia dug in; and it was incredible food, and they were sure to tell Zoe as much. Zoe helped fill their glasses with a bit of wine and when they finished the main course, brought out a large, decadent looking chocolate cake slice and two forks. They laughed and giggled as they tried to feed each other a bite of it. But then gave in and started eating it properly because their first bites were so good that they couldn’t stand to wait for fumbling around trying to be cute.

When they finished, Nerys stood and offered her hand to Sophia and for a brief time, they danced slowly, there under the tarp and the fairy lights, in the cold night air. Zoe had slipped away at some point after giving them the cake, leaving them alone with each other. It was truly a night to remember, but Sophia was slowly losing steam, and she kissed Nerys slowly. “I think it’s time,” she said quietly, leaning her forehead against Nerys’s.

“If you’re certain,” Nerys said quietly, smiling faintly. “I wish this night could never end.”

Sophia returned her smile. “I am — let’s go make love,” she said, and Nerys leaned in and kissed her.

“Yes, let’s,” Nerys said quietly, and the two of them relinked their arms and braved the chill from the relative warmth of the heated area to the stairwell, knocking furiously until Stephanie and Mary came and opened it.

“What took you so long?” Sophia said with her teeth nearly chattering.

“We had to get our coats back on! Also, come back up a flight of stairs because holy fuck it’s cold at the top of the stairwell,” Mary said. “Also, it wasn’t locked, you could’ve just come inside, and we would’ve seen you as you came down. Come on — let’s get you back down to the first. And don’t worry, the coast is clear.”

They let themselves be led downstairs, around and around down, retracing their path to the first floor bedrooms. And then Mary and Stephanie left them there, standing outside Sophia’s room, holding hands and nervously grinning at each other.

“Well, shall we go in?” Sophia said, pressing her thumb to the lock and hearing the lock cycle.

“We shall,” Nerys said with a grin.

Sophia pushed open the door and they both burst out laughing immediately. While they were away, someone had decorated Sophia’s room with rose petals and fake candles and kitschy hearts everywhere, and a banner that read ‘Happy Valentine’s Day, Sophia and Nerys.’

***

“Oh! Aunt Bea,” Mary said, surprised as she approached her and Evelyn’s room on the fourth floor. “What brings you up here on tonight, of all nights?”

“I see we decided to indulge young Miss Nerys’s request for Valentine’s night with Sophia,” she said calmly.

“I mean, yeah, Indira and Maria both approved it,” Mary said, suddenly nervous.

“I’m concerned we are being too lenient on her,” Aunt Bea said. “She is still a programme participant, after all.”

“Yes, of course, Aunt Bea,” Mary said. “I’ll be sure she doesn’t forget it. But her progress iscommendable.”

“It is, and you are to commended for it,” Aunt Bea said. “You’ve come so far Mary, and I’m very proud of both of you. Just don’t forget we have expectations for our girls.”

“Of course, I will remind her in the morning,” Mary said, trying to smile. This was a level of meddling in her sponsorship she was very unhappy about, and she would be discussing it with Indira at the first opportunity. In the meantime, she had to at least pay some heed to Bea’s input, though. Aunt Bea nodded and quickly turned to head toward the elevator, leaving Mary to head into her room, and then the emotion hit her. When would it ever be enough for Bea?

Evelyn, sensing this was not a happy Valentine’s Day greeting, quickly pulled her back to the bed and hugged her while Mary told her what had just happened.

***

Pippa smiled as Rani rolled off her, flopping beside her on her bed in her London flat. “That was incredible,” Pippa breathed.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, I know I did,” Rani said with a grin. “I’m going to run take a quick rinse in the shower, okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” Pippa said, still breathing hard. She felt Rani get up off the bed, and she was still basking in the afterglow.

Suddenly, she heard her medicine cabinet open, then quickly close. Fuck. Her estradiol was there plain as day. Had she remembered to hide the label on this bottle? Rani must not have noticed, though, as the cabinet closed quick, Pippa breathed a sigh of relief. Would Rani even know what it was if she hadn’t gotten the label hidden? Then she heard the shower stop, and not too long after, stop, and then she heard Rani using the toilet.

“Babe, where’s the extra TP?” Rani called from the bathroom.

“Oh, uh, under the sink,” Pippa called. She started to rotate upright, needing to do the same things Rani had just done before she collapsed asleep. She vaguely heard the under sink cabinet open and then didn’t shut. Rani flushed.

“Hey, Pip?” Rani called as she started walking towards the bathroom.

“Yeah?” Pippa said, still worn out from sex, asked back as stepped into the doorway, seeing the cabinet still open, and Rani kneeling looking inside, and she saw what held Rani’s gaze. How the hell had it come unrolled? She must’ve not put things away properly when she last used them.

Rani looked up at her. “Why do you have a dilator set?” she asked.

Fuck, Pippa thought.