Chapter 22: This is Zion! And we are not afraid!

2024 March 19, Tuesday

Every day without someone missing just ratcheted Nerys’s nerves up another few notches. She knew it was coming, and she didn’t know when, and it was slowly driving her up the wall. At least when she’d accompanied Sophia to visit Randal, she knew that meant there was going to be at least a few days before she had to start worrying again.

Indira had held another lesson in her series on feminism yesterday and Nerys just couldn’t focus on it, earning her some pointed throat clearings from Indira and some gentle nudging from Sophia, which wasn’t all that unwelcome. But then Indira started talking about dysphoria and the many, many forms it took. Suddenly Nerys was paying better attention than she had managed in quite a while.

Sophia had talked about her dysphoria some — her face especially, but also her dysphoria about the equipment she had been born with — and so had some of the trans accounts Nerys had followed for pictures, but none of that had aligned with her feelings about her life and body before arriving. She didn’t hate anything about her body; she just didn’t care about it. It was just a thing that was there, neither negative nor positive.

But here Indira was talking about things like social dysphoria. About not feeling like you fit in when trying to hang out with guys. About hating changing for gym class. About feeling like you were piloting a mech rather than living in your body. About sexual dysphoria, and hating the role you played in the bedroom. And it was like tumblers were clicking into place. She couldn’t concentrate again, albeit for a different reason now.

Holy shit, I’m trans? Her mind spun on the thought as Indira finished up the lesson, and she got little out of it in the end beyond that. No amount of throat clearing, or Sophia nudging her, penetrated her mind now. Sophia quickly seemed to get that she was lost in thought, though, and merely put her arm around Nerys and let her lean her head on Sophia’s shoulder.

Every memory she had from growing up flashed through her mind, and suddenly so many things finally made sense. But when Indira was done with the lesson, her brain switched tracks right back to the orchi, and it was like slamming into a brick wall. She finally understood she had dysphoria, and that maybe she was actually trans, but to say she wanted the orchi was a bit of a stretch. She’d seen four people come through this surgery okay, though, and that had helped her a tiny bit.

Then she realized that this wasn’t a new feeling. Every time she’d seen some trans person post about having had some affirming surgery or another, she’d had to close out social media for the day. But the very next day, she’d be checking their feed to see if they’d made it through, and sending anonymous congratulations to them. And every time, a small twinge of something she couldn’t put her finger on. Jealousy? Was it jealousy I was feeling?

The last couple of weeks, Sophia, Mary, and even Ellen had all tried sitting with her and talking about surgery in general, and how she had nothing to fear. But every time, she was still terrified and nothing they said they could get her past it. She’d told them why, of course; it wasn’t that she didn’t know where her fear came from, but she just couldn’t move past it.

She had spent a lot of time in hospitals as a kid, the joys of her mum working as a an A&E nurse. The sights, the sounds the smells there had been as familiar to her as the ones at home; nothing about them scared her when she was six. She knew people there were injured and sick, but her mum was there to help them get better, and she was very good at it. And any time she had been sick or hurt as a kid, her mum had made it all better somehow. But by the time she was seven, she didn’t want to ever set foot inside one ever again.

She had been sitting behind the nurses’ desk one Saturday afternoon with the older desk nurse keeping an eye on her while her mum finished her shift. Nerys had her tablet playing an episode of Star Trek and her headphones, and that was enough to pass the time. Then there was shouting, and everyone was running around. She looked up and around, but the desk nurse simply smiled and pointed her back at her tablet and told her not to worry.

It wasn’t until her dad showed up an hour later that she realized something was wrong. They took her in to a private room and wouldn’t tell her why; and she was slightly annoyed at being pulled away from Star Trek. Her mum had said she had two episodes before they could go home, and she’d only watched one and a half so far. Then the nurse sat down and held her hand gently, and her dad sat across from her and broke the news. Her mum was dead.

She only barely understood at first, but it didn’t take too long to sink in, and then it was like a pit opened underneath her and swallowed her whole. She didn’t really remember anything after that for quite a while, and refused to listen anytime someone tried to talk to her about it for a decade after.

When she was finishing up with school, she finally learned what happened and integrated it. A drunken and drugged out asshole had come into A&E after a bar fight, and he hadn’t cared for Nerys’s mum trying to clean up his wounds. Before anyone knew, she was on the ground, a knife shoved in her belly and the asshole lying back on the bed laughing.

The stabbing shouldn’t have been fatal — she was not just in a hospital, but the bustling A&E department, so the response was immediate. But there was some complication in the surgery — some blood clot or something Nerys didn’t understand. Someone had tried to tell her at one point the medical details of her mum’s death, but she shut them down and never went looking later.

She learned her mum’s killer wound up in prison — was still there, in fact, and would be for several more years. The last she’d heard, he was remorseful, but that wouldn’t ever bring her mum back. Despite all of it, though, she’d learned to abhor violence; she couldn’t stand the idea of ever being like him.

Her dad had taken her to her annuals and such, but they were brief and just at an office park, not a surgery. She hadn’t had wisdom teeth that needed to come out or had any serious injuries or illnesses. Avoidance became outright fear. Her ex-girlfriend had tried to get her to go in for a cut she’d gotten one day at work — a plumbing job, of course — and she had refused. It healed fine, eventually, because she knew first aid and knew how to keep things clean, and protected, which had only further solidified her avoidance.

That line of thinking just circled back to what she did to wind up here. Taking photos of all those women, using them for… she shivered at the memories. It might not have been with a knife, but she’d taken something from them. She talked about that with Mary yesterday afternoon, and Mary had held her while she cried it out. Then Sophia sat up with her watching silly movies, until they fell asleep next to each other.

Sophia was still sleeping beside her this morning, and it wasn’t quite time to wake up and start the day yet, but Nerys was having a harder time getting to sleep and staying asleep. Mary had offered her another hormone pill, progressterone or something, and said it would help with her sleep, but she hadn’t worked up the nerve to take one of them yet. She wasn’t exactly sure why it scared her. She knew Sophia took it already — but it was another step. One she would be doing herself, every day, forever.

Sophia must have felt her shift a bit and started stirring herself, turning to face Nerys. “Good morning,” she said, smiling. She leaned forward to kiss Nerys. “I take it you didn’t sleep well again?”

Nerys shook her head. “No — brain won’t shut up,” she said quietly, and returned the kiss. “But you’re here, so today’s looking up already.”

Sophia grinned. “That’s good,” she said, smiling. “You know that the progesterone helps me, it might be worth a shot.”

“I’m thinking about it!” Nerys protested but softened her expression. “Mary gave me the bottle, maybe tonight.”

“That you’re thinking about it is good enough for me,” Sophia said, leaning forward and kissed Nerys again. She sat up on the bed and quickly stood, and padded over to the door and unlocked it. “I’m going to get my shower stuff. Meet you there?”

“Yeah, sure, see you in a bit,” Nerys said quietly and slowly sat up herself. How lucky am I? she thought as she looked in the direction of the door with a faint smile. There was a knock at her door almost immediately, which surprised her, but she knew it was Mary’s knock. She hadn’t gone with some coded knock, but it sounded distinctly different from the others just the same. “Come in, Mary,” she called and started to stand, stretching as she did.

Mary pushed the door open, and smiled faintly, gesturing for Nerys to sit back down. Nerys quickly got nervous but sat down and Mary came over and sat next to her. She pulled Nerys in to a gentle sideways hug and Nerys looked into her warm smile. “So,” Mary said slowly. “I have news, and I know it’s going to scare you, and Sophia knows now, and I know she will be here for you no matter what, and so will Stephanie and me.”

Nerys nodded slowly — the time had come. “It’s going to be tomorrow, isn’t it?” she asked quietly, barely above a whisper. Her nerves infusing every syllable. Her voice that she had only just started making progress on, cracking and shifting back in to a lower register. And now that she knew the difference, it was just an additional spike of pain on top of an already terrifying bit of news. She felt tears at the corners of her eyes forming that she couldn’t quite stop.

Mary nodded, smiling faintly. “It is,” she said, squeezing Nerys’s shoulder gently. They sat there like that for a bit, just in silence. Nerys’s mind wasn’t able to formulate what to say next. “Penny for your thoughts,” Mary said quietly after a bit, using one hand to tilt Nerys’s chin gently to look into her eyes with a warm smile.

“I’m scared, Mary,” she finally managed.

“I know you are,” Mary said warmly. “Also, I know your fear’s going to show on your face all day.”

“But I can’t hide it!” Nerys said, panicking. “Holy shit, you lot are doing surgery on me tomorrow. What if what happened to my mum happens to me? And all the others will know because there’s no way I can hide it from them!”

“We’ve been over this, but what happened to your mum won’t happen to you; this is extremely short and minor surgery,” Mary said smiling. “Katherine, Rabia, and the anesthesiologist have all read your mum’s file in depth. It was very well documented, and they know exactly what happened back then. They have given me every assurance it won’t happen to you, not tomorrow or ever.”

“Still!” Nerys said through her tears, sniffing back phlegm. “I can’t make this fear go away! And… and if the others learn… I can’t just turn it off! I’ve tried for so long, Mary, but every time I get near a hospital or surgery I panic!”

“And that is why I’m going to offer to let you and Sophia spend today and tonight upstairs,” Mary said, grinning. “We’re going to let you two have a nice day filled with distractions. Your favorite foods, games, shows, whatever will help distract you. Then you can sleep in Sophia’s room up there, and in the morning use her shower before coming back down for it, and we will be here with you the wholetime.”

“Oh, that sounds wonderful,” Nerys said, sniffing back some more gunk. “I need a shower first, though.”

“You can get one upstairs,” Mary said, smiling and standing and offering her hand. Nerys took it, her hand shaking as she stood slowly with Mary’s help. They stepped out in to the hall, and Sophia was there, smiling softly.

“Heya,” Sophia said, smiling and offering to hug Nerys, which she gladly accepted, dropping Mary’s hand. “Let’s go have a nice, distracting girls’ day upstairs.”

“Did you know?” Nerys asked quietly.

“I knew it was soon, but they wouldn’t tell me it would be tomorrow until after I saw Mary outside your door this morning. Are you okay?”

Nerys nodded, first yes, then no. “I don’t know,” she said finally.

“Fair,” Sophia said, smiling and offered her arm for Nerys to steady herself on, which Nerys gladly took as they walked down the hall and towards the stairs.

***

Maria sighed and sat down at the kitchen table with her coffee mug. “Summer, no,” she said and pinched her nose, wishing the ibuprofen and caffeine would kick in sooner. It was far too early for this nonsense.

“I told her eight months ago that I would do her electro,” Summer said, her frustration clear. “And there’s a perfectly good machine downstairs sitting unused half the time! We’d only gotten, like, a dozen hours in before —”

“Yeah, I know,” Maria interrupted her. “But she would see things we can’t explain. The security room, the recovery rooms. Hell, the OR is only just down the hall from the electro room! And we are in the middle of the orchis.”

“We could blank the screens as she comes in and out of the basement?” Indira said. “It wouldn’t take long, and we keep the other doors locked and blinds drawn when they aren’t in use anyway. And come on, Maria, it’s not like Summer would let her be down there while one of the boys is undergoing or recovering from an orchi. That’s a set of relatively small windows — plenty of time between them to let her do some electro.”

“The coordination and timing would be super risky — this intake is due for something ugly,” Maria said, frowning. “And there’s too much we don’t know about Persephone’s role in this. You weren’t here, Summer, but Elle took a personal interest during intake selection, bypassed most of the usual process to make her one of the top candidates. I don’t know why, and I don’t want to break the girl and only then find out why she was so important to Elle.”

“Oh, why am I not surprised?” Summer muttered; Maria arched an eyebrow, but Summer shook her head. “I understand all that, Maria. I didn’t want her in the same country as the basement, but at the same time…” She sighed. “Look — Holly’s leaving soon, right?”

“In May, yes,” Indira said, raising an eyebrow and her smile shifting to a big grin. “Are you, per chance, volunteering to replace her? You know we would be interested if you were interested.”

Summer shrugged. “I’m here; I’m not doing anything; I have the skills — both the poking and the talking. And I haven’t done laser lately, but I still remember my training for it. But I can’t spend all day working on your boys and ignore the needs of my girl.” She idly stirred her tea. “You’d say the same if she was one of yours, Maria — you know you would.”

“I’d be sponsoring her if she was one of mine,” Maria said, frowning, and took another sip of her coffee.

This whole situation was odd even by the Hall’s standards. Summer’s first report in August had only confirmed what Stephanie had said before Elle overrode her: Little Miss Aristo hadn’t needed Dorley Hall’s help. There were options she hadn’t exhausted — old friends she hadn’t contacted, ties she hadn’t cut. She hadn’t been desperate enough. After meeting her for the first time, Maria had briefly wondered what the intake would be like right now if they’d taken Persephone instead of Sophia, but it was impossible to imagine. Persephone would no more fit in with the basement than Randal would fit in at a Pride Parade. Yet here she was, asking indirectly to use equipment in a basement she didn’t even know existed yet.

“I’m going to grant your request to use our electro equipment for her,” Indira said. She held up a hand to forestall Maria’s complaint that she’d already started to open her mouth to say. “And yes, Maria, I know it’s risky, but they’ve been through a lot the last few months, and Summer’s not going to let her see anything she shouldn’t.”

“I won’t, I swear, Maria,” Summer said sincerely.

“Next you’ll be asking for us to get her an orchi,” Maria groaned and rolled her eyes.

“The operating room might be a bit more suspicious than the electro rig,” Summer said with a smirk. “Which is too bad, because I’m sure she’d take it if we offered.”

“Maybe after the shit hits the fan, then?” Maria said with a slight smirk. She picked up her mug and inspected the inside of it: empty, again. She pushed her chair back from the table and stood to go refill her mug with more coffee.

Summer laughed. “After the shit hits the fan,” she agreed with a nod. Summer finished her tea and stood as well, taking her cup over to the kettle to refill it. “And thank you, Indira, it really means a lot to me, and it will mean so much to Persephone. And Maria? I promise not to let her anywhere she shouldn’t be, I know how important this is.”

Just then, Stephanie bounced in to the kitchen and looked around, quickly noticing Summer at the sink. “Oh, you must be Summer!” she said brightly. “It’s nice to finally meet you in person — I’m Stephanie!”

***

Sophia smiled over at Nerys as she unlocked the last door into the ground-floor dining hall. It was by no means their first time back up here since Christmas, but she still got a strange thrill from it — a heady rush of doing something that separated her and Nerys from the boys in the basement. For now, anyway; eventually they would get this rush too, she hoped.

Unlike the morning of Sophia’s orchi, there was no big crowd as they pushed the doors open — no banner, no cheers, no questionable balloon-popping. The others barely glanced over; a few smiled and waved, but they kept it low-key. Sophia wondered how much pain Mary had threatened them with if they bothered Nerys today about her orchi and spooked her worse than she already was.

Nerys was squeezing her hand tighter than the last couple of times they’d come up here together, and she squeezed back and smiled faintly at her. She looked around the room and saw Zoe waving them over to the second year table. “You want to say hi to Zoe?” she asked, turning to Nerys.

“Sure, uh, yeah, that’s fine,” Nerys said, nerves filling her voice, and gripped Sophia’s hand tighter still. Sophia suppressed a wince — Nerys had quite a bit of grip strength still, despite the hormones and lack of exercise. She’d told Sophia some about her work as an electrician; it sounded like a pretty hard life.

“Heya,” Zoe said, smiling as they approached. “Want me to run and get you some breakfast? There are some extra eggs and stuff in the kitchen, I think.”

“That’s okay,” Sophia said, smiling. “I’ll go get us some. Do you want to stay here and chat, Nerys? I’ll be right back, I promise.”

“Yeah, sure,” Nerys said, smiling faintly and releasing Sophia’s hand. She quickly sat in the chair Zoe offered between her and Kelly.

Sophia turned and walked slowly towards the kitchen; she heard Nerys laugh behind her, and she smiled faintly. When she approached the kitchen doors, she saw Stephanie seated at the kitchen table with a woman she didn’t know. “Good morning, Stephanie,” she said, going over to the cabinets and getting out some plates and setting them on the counter.

“Good morning, Sophia!” Stephanie said brightly. “Oh, you probably haven’t met Summer, have you? I only just met her myself, been getting to know her.”

“No, I haven’t. It’s nice to meet you!” Sophia said brightly as she found some nice crescent rolls and put one on each plate.

“You’re one of the trans girls, right?” Summer asked with a friendly smile. “Like Stephanie here?”

“Yup! That’s me,” Sophia said brightly, spying some eggs and bacon being kept warm on top of the AGA. She knew enough now to find things in the cabinets; she pulled out a pair of plates and silverware, and started making plates for her and Nerys. “Just a Judas goat, leading the boys into the feminization machine.”

Summer grinned appreciatively. “And upstairs and getting breakfast — for two, no less?” She shook her head. “In my day, they said I was making fast progress when I hit it/its in March. You must be doing a good job.”

“Oh, yeah, Nerys and I are spending the day upstairs as a distraction,” Sophia said, picking a mug up off the tree. She made a grimace as she saw the text: Friends, Romans, Country(wo)men, Lend Me Your ~~Ears~~ Balls.

“Oh, the plain ones are in that cabinet on the other side of the fridge,” Stephanie said, pointing. “Probably not a great idea for Nerys to be around our usual institutional humour today.”

“Oh?” Summer asked, arching an eyebrow. “Who’s Nerys — another trans girl? I thought it was one per year?”

“Nerys is Sophia’s girlfriend in the basement,” Stephanie said, giggling. “A regular programme participant.”

Sophia put on an exaggerated indignant expression as she grabbed two plain mugs. “We’re just really good pals,” she said before bursting out giggling herself.

Summer snapped in recognition. “Right, the girl you made in time for Christmas! Tabby was bragging on Mary for her part — I just forgot the name. Lovely job by you too, Sophia.”

Sophia did a mock curtsey before turning to pour some coffee in to each mug. “Thank you,” she said brightly. “But really, Nerys deserves the credit. She’s come so far, and I’m so proud of her.”

“I bet. But if she’s been up here before — I think more than once; Tabby mentioned something at Valentine’s? — surely she’s seen the mugs. What’s the issue?”

“Well… her orchi is tomorrow and she’s very nervous.” Sophia frowned briefly. “Terrified, really.”

“Wait — a regular programme participant knows their orchi date?” Summer said, glancing towards Stephanie. “You lot really have thrown out the rulebook, haven’t you?”

“It isn’t the norm,” Stephanie said, “but Nerys has acute tomophobia — um, fear of surgery — and she’s already beyond the point where anxiety about her orchi would help her progress. We decided to make an accommodation.”

“Still! That’s great though, good luck to her,” Summer said, smiling as Sophia put everything on a tray. “It’s astonishing how much things have changed.”

“Thank you, Summer,” Sophia said, smiling and picking up the tray. “Off to go make sure the second-years didn’t stray too far into uncomfortable topics for Nerys.”

“Wait, you left her with Zoe?” Stephanie asked, a smirk briefly flashing on her face.

“Yeah, why?” Sophia said anxiety leaking in to her voice a bit.

“Oh, it’s probably fine, but her intake leaned into the mugs faster than most,” Stephanie said, shrugging. “If you get what I mean. Also Zoe’s surgery is tomorrow, and Riley’s is the day after that, so they will probably be on the topic”

“Oh no,” Sophia squeaked and quickly turned to head back in to the dining hall. “Nice meeting you Summer, but got to run!” she said as she ran by, looking apologetic at Summer.

“Nice to meet you too, Sophia,” Summer called as Sophia headed back in to the dining room as fast as the tray of plates and mugs and utensils would let her.

She looked at Nerys, whose expression screamed ‘help me,’ and smiled apologetically at her. “I’m so sorry Nerys,” she said walking up, and she turned to look at Zoe with a deepening frown. “Do we need to find a different table?”

“No, uh, our apologies,” Zoe said quickly, waving her hands in surrender. “We didn’t realize until just before you walked up that it’s… no one had told us. We’re sorry, and we’re not going to discuss it any further.” The heads of the other second years around the table nodded enthusiastically, and a couple of others quickly apologized.

“It’s okay, Soph,” Nerys said quietly, and smiling faintly. “I didn’t mention anything, and the conversation just wandered there on its own, and they had realized as you started walking up and stopped. I hope your surgeries go well.”

“Thanks,” Riley said. “And yours as well, I know its scary, I’m terrified. But I’m still going to do it.”

Sophia cleared her throat.

“Right, sorry,” Riley said, and mimed zipping her lip and locking it and throwing away the key.

“Well okay, then,” Sophia said smiling, and sitting down next to Nerys with the tray. She distributed a plate and mug to Nerys, who happily picked up her fork and took a quick bite of eggs.

“And just where are your sponsors at?” Stephanie asked, walking up behind Sophia with an eyebrow raised.

“They said they had preparations to make,” Zoe said, shrugging. “Something about an outing with Paige? They wouldn’t tell us details.”

“Oh, that’s today? How I lose track of time — enjoy yourselves!” Stephanie said, smiling. “But just the same, someone ought to keep an eye on you all while they all finish getting ready to get you lot ready.” Stephanie walked over and sat down on the other side of the table.

“Yeah, fair,” Riley said, giggling. “We can be trouble on our own in a large group.”

“Hey! I’m not trouble,” Jordyn said, grinning. “I’m a force of nature! Anyway, I hope your day goes well — Nerys, I know how scary it is, but you’ll get through it.”

Stephanie grinned. “I think we can occupy her enough to keep her mind mostly off it.”

They ate and laughed and talked until Charlie, and Nell, walked up behind them. “Okay, girls,” Nell said brightly. “Time to get ready for your outing!”

“Aww, but we were having such a good chat!” Kelly whined. “Do we have to? I don’t like going out. It’s scary out there.”

“You’ll enjoy it, come on — Paige puts a lot of work in to this,” Charlie said, grinning. “Besides, we won’t be coming with.”

“Wait, what?” Zoe asked, surprised. “No sponsors?”

“The bus will be here to pick you up in, like, an hour, and you all need to get ready. We’ll help you all get ready, we’ve got racks of clothes and going to help you with your makeup. And yes, Tazmin, you have to wear makeup.”

“Awww!” Tazmin said, pouting. “But I hate it! It’s such a pain to do, and it always makes me break out when I have to get all glammed up.”

Charlie arched an eyebrow. “Well, Paige said she has ideas to help you with your skin care, and unless you want a two-hour lecture from her on it, you’d better listen this time! Now come on, up and at ‘em!”

“Wow! No sponsors,” Riley said, her surprise clear. “Sweet, sweet freedom!”

“Well, not no sponsors, but none of your regular sponsors, or regular fill ins,” Charlie said, grinning.

“Still! WOO!” Riley cheered and bounced up and headed quickly for the stairs, with Zoe catching up and taking her hand. The rest of the second years all grinned and took off after them towards the inner staircase.

“And what are they going out to do?” Sophia asked Stephanie after they had left. “I know you’ll be taking us out some in our second year, but I figured you’d always be there.”

Stephanie smiled. “Paige sets up an outing for the second-years annually,” she said, smiling warmly. “When I was in the basement, they rented out a roller rink right before lockdowns. For my intake, she arranged to rent out a theater and we watched Little Women. And last year I think they rented out the Saint’s swimming pool. This year, I think Paige rotated back to the skating rink idea.”

“Oh wow, nice,” Nerys said surprised. “Sounds like fun, but I still struggle to believe that there’s something that comes after all this — that we eventually just get to go outside.”

Stephanie smiled brightly. “There absolutely is, and you can do it. You’re already doing so well,” she said. “You wouldn’t surprise me if you managed to graduate in two years.”

“Wait, you can graduate early?” Sophia asked, surprised. “I figured it was a set course — three years of feminizing torture.”

Stephanie wiggled her hand. “It’s nowhere near as fixed as you might think,” she said. “There are expectations for your development and skills, but you two are already where most regular participants are as they move up to the first floor. You’ll probably even be allowed to move upstairs at least part-time in another month or two. Once some third years move, and make room for the matriculating second-years, that is.”

“Oh, wow,” Nerys said quietly. “If you can graduate early… can you… uh, get held back?” Sophia placed her hand on Nerys’s and smiled at her.

“Yeah, if you aren’t cooperating and making enough progress, your sponsor can set you back,” Stephanie said, nodding but maintaining her smile. “But it won’t happen to you two, okay? And it’s not happened since I came in, and it hadn’t happened for several years before then as well. It’s extremely unlikely for anyone in your intake. Well, besides maybe Randal, if he ever makes it out of the basement.”

“Thanks,” Nerys said and smiled faintly. “And… uh, I guess I hope he does? Washing out sounds bad.”

“Just don’t let that go too much to your head,” Mary said, coming up behind them and sitting down. “Why don’t you and I head upstairs, Nerys, and you can show me how you’re doing with makeup?”

“Oh, okay, Mary, sure,” Nerys said standing. “I think I’m getting a bit better at it.”

Stephanie gently placed a hand on Sophia’s shoulder as she started to stand. “We’ll join you in a little bit,” Stephanie said, smiling and waving at Nerys and Mary.

“See you in a bit, Rainbow,” Sophia said, waving with her fingers. “What’s up, Steph?” she asked when Nerys and Mary had disappeared up to her first floor room.

“Maria just texted me,” she said. “Apparently Randal was quite annoyed you weren’t at breakfast.”

“Huh, that’s surprising,” Sophia said. “He’s barely said a word to me since his orchi, and avoids looking at me most of the time. Almost as if he’s feeling, I don’t know, guilt?” She scrunched her face up. “Couldn’t be, right?”

“Yeah, maybe,” Stephanie said. “She wanted you to know that she thinks you helped him make some small amount of weird, twisted progress.”

Sophia blushed. “I, I was just doing what Sophia Hendricks would’ve,” she stammered a bit. “I’d be lying if I said it was easy, though. He’s the hardest I’ve ever had to work at being nice to someone.”

“Anyway, for right now she’s on top of it, and didn’t want to worry you, but,” Stephanie said pausing briefly, “thank you, really and truly, from both of us. Oh, and that she’s got an idea how to make use of you against him more that she’d like to discuss with you, later. But only if you’re willing.”

“That’s good, because I have other priorities today and tomorrow,” Sophia said, smiling. “Nerys requires a distraction, and Maria’s idea will just have to wait — Randal will keep for another couple of days.”

“Absolutely,” Stephanie said, grinning. “Ready to head upstairs?”

“Yes! And to getting a shower,” Sophia said, giggling. “Going to kick Mary out and have some alone time with Nerys and my shower!”

2024 March 20, Wednesday

“Soph?” Nerys asked quietly, nervously, the light coming in Sophia’s windows just barely a shade beyond darkest. She was laying on her back, staring at the ceiling. She’d taken progesterone for the first time last night with Sophia, and it had helped initially. Then she’d woken from the weird dreams it gave her, and now she couldn’t get back to sleep. She could feel herself starting to cycle again on what was to come — she needed Sophia, but she hated to wake her.

“Hmm?” Sophia hummed, laying next to her on her side, facing Nerys, her eyes still closed.

“Are you awake?” she asked, rolling her head to face Sophia.

“Sort of,” Sophia said, shifting a bit before opening her eyes to see Nerys, and smiling faintly. “You okay, Rainbow?”

“Nervous — just want to get it done with,” Nerys said quietly and slowly. “I woke up from a very weird and scary dream.”

“Oh. Do you want to talk about it?” Sophia asked.

“I uh, I dreamt they go further tomorrow, like uh, clear to giving me a, uh, a vagina,” Nerys said, stumbling over her words. “It was surreal to have one, but the really weird part was that it didn’t scare me at all, it was maybe even good? And then I woke up and not being scared, scared me.”

“Oh,” Sophia said. “I mean, it’s okay to think about what it might be like — I’ve had those kinds of dreams. But I get that you have legitimate fears of surgery, and that suddenly not being scared could, in and of itself, be scary. Change, especially in one’s mindset, can be scary.”

“Huh,” Nerys said quietly. “I hadn’t thought of that. I still want this over with — the orchi, that is. I’m not ready to say I want anything else.”

“Beyond fair. But not long now,” Sophia said, smiling faintly. “You sure you’re okay with it? Maybe we could convince them to let you delay it at least.”

“I mean, not entirely. I’ve realized how okay I am with losing them, but still scared of surgery,” Nerys said. “But I asked Mary again yesterday before you came upstairs, and she told me that it wasn’t optional, and that a delay would only make things harder.”

“Oh,” Sophia said, frowning. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“For, I don’t know, being complicit,” she said quietly, looking away from Nerys’s eyes.

“Hey, this is solely on the people who run this place,” Nerys said, moving to pull Sophia into a hug. “They hold stuff over all of us, even the sponsors — I don’t understand how Aunt Bea hasn’t just been overthrown at this point. But, once it’s done, and I’m awake, it won’t be so bad. It’s just the waiting that’s hard.”

“Yeah,” Sophia said quietly, returning the hug briefly. She pushed herself up in the bed a bit and looked around. “Wow, it’s early still.”

“Yeah, progesterone dreams were weird,” Nerys said. “Those are going to take some getting used to. I guess maybe we should try to get back to sleep, get a few more hours in before time.”

“I know some things we could do to pass the time besides sleep…” Sophia said with a wicked grin.

Nerys laughed. “You’re incorrigible and insatiable, you know that, right?” she said and leaned forward to kiss Sophia deeply. “Thank you for being here with me, Pinkie, for all of it.”

“Absolutely,” Sophia said. “So, about passing the time?”

Nerys laughed, brightly. “Yes, enthusiastically yes,” she said, letting Sophia roll over on top of her and kiss her deeply. When Sophia finally came up for air, Nerys breathed deeply herself and let it out slowly. “Heck, is this what I can expect from progesterone?” she whispered.

Sophia laughed. “Maybe, I’ve read it doesn’t do that for everyone, but it certainly does for me,” she said and kissed Nerys again, moving her hands down to Nerys’s knickers to push them aside.

“Wait,” Nerys said quietly. “Could you, could you maybe stay outside of them, like I do for you usually?”

Sophia smiled at Nerys. “What the lady wants, the lady gets,” she said and moved to massage Nerys, earning her a moan. “Oh, she likes!” Sophia smirked and pressed harder.

Their passions grew and waned in time. “Holy shit,” Nerys breathed when they finally lay beside each other, spent. “That was a lot better than I expected, I was just kind of curious what it would be like… but… wow.”

“I’m glad you liked it — I aim to please,” Sophia said, giggling. “We still have a couple of hours to kill, want to watch some TV while we wait for the inevitable knock from our annoyingly present sponsors?”

Nerys laughed. “Yes, but maybe a shower first. Someone decided to get me all hot and bothered, and I stink.”

“You smell amazing, Rainbow,” Sophia said, grinning, but then wrinkled her nose briefly. “But yeah, a shower is probably a good idea, we’re going to have to take one eventually.”

Nerys was already out of bed and on her way to Sophia’s bathroom, wearing nothing but her knickers at this point. She paused at the door with one hand on the frame. “Coming with?” she asked, looking over her shoulder at Sophia with a grin on her face.

Sophia laughed. “Yes, absolutely,” she said, jumping out of bed and racing over to Nerys and joining her. Their shower was actually just washing — neither had slept the best, and then they went and got all active, and they were both pretty tired. When they finished, they collapsed back on the bed, dry and clean, and then Sophia wrinkled her nose again. “Maybe the sheets too.”

Nerys laughed and stood and helped Sophia quickly change the bed before both flopped back down on it. Sophia turned her TV on and started a random rom-com streaming, Shop Around the Corner, but neither were really watching. At some point, she drifted off, leaning against Sophia, her fear gone, her mind at peace with what was about to happen.

She awoke to knocking with a start, and her fear came rushing back instantly. “I’m here!” she called louder than she intended, and Sophia immediately stirred beside her, having drifted off as well. “Who is it?” she asked, her nerves still clear, but more in control than the initial wave.

“It’s Mary and Stephanie, sis,” Mary called brightly through the door.

“Oh, of course — come on in!” Nerys said, glad that both of them had put something on after their predawn shower.

“Heya,” Mary said when she opened the door and stepped in, with Stephanie right behind her, carrying a tray of food. “How are you doing this morning?”

“Nervous, but, uh, before I woke up, I’d been sleeping peacefully,” she said with a nervous smile. “Sophia helped, uh, distract me, in the middle of the night when I started to spiral.”

The two of them came over and sat next to their charges, with Stephanie setting the tray between her and Sophia. “We had intended to wait for you to wake up, but we ran up against a time barrier,” Mary said, putting her arm around Nerys. “Also, sorry you can’t eat, but doctor’s orders.”

Nerys looked over at the simple breakfast of eggs, sausage, a croissant, and some juice that Stephanie had brought for Sophia and her stomach grumbled loudly. “God, that smells so good,” she said, giggling. “Guess lunch will just have to be extra special.”

Mary grinned. “I’ve got some of your favorites planned for lunch — the second years are confident they can do them justice,” she said, squeezing her shoulder. “I seem to recall you love fish and chips?”

“Oh,” Nerys said quietly, looking down and away from Mary.

“Something wrong?” Mary asked curious. “We can make something else, whatever we’ve got on hand, that we can whip up.”

“That was one of my… my mum’s favorites,” she said frowning but quickly brightened. “You know what, yeah, fish and chips, and uh… uh, those jelly cups like they have in hospital. Mum would sneak them for me all the time.”

“Are you sure?” Mary asked, smiling faintly. “That’s a lot of memories on top of an already stressful day.”

“No, I mean, if I’m going to do this, I need to…” Nerys said slowly, hesitantly. “I need to start working on getting past some of these things.”

“If you’re certain,” Mary said. “I could get you one of those veggie burgers, with the sauce you really liked.”

Nerys laughed. “I do really like that sauce,” she said, giggling.

Mary laughed. “Every year, there’s at least one of us that becomes hooked on one of the things we serve too much of down there.”

“At least she didn’t get hooked on Weetabix,” Sophia said, nodding and smirking.

“That’s right! I was already a fan!” Nerys said, sticking her tongue out at Sophia. “Not really, though, if I never see another Weetabix again it will be too soon.”

Mary laughed. “At least it’s not every morning now,” she said, grinning. “I don’t miss that stage either.”

Sophia quickly ate the light breakfast. “Okay you two, get some decent clothes to walk downstairs in,” Mary said standing, “We’ll be in the hallway, and we’ll walk down with you.”

“Sure, Mary,” Nerys said, smiling faintly.

When Mary and Stephanie had stepped outside, Nerys quietly got up and walked over to Sophia’s wardrobe and found some and hesitated briefly before swapping her sleep shorts and cami for a skirt and a t-shirt. Sophia did the same right after, but she had found a cute t-shirt dress to put on instead. Nerys started to head towards the door in silence, but Sophia was suddenly beside her, pulling her into a hug. “I love you, Nerys,” she said in Nerys’s ear. “I’ll be there for you the whole way.”

Nerys felt tears in the corners of her eyes. Someone loved her — someone she loved and never wanted to let go of. “I love you too, Sophia,” she said warmly, returning the hug. “Let’s do this.”

Sophia nodded and released the hug. “Yes, lets,” she said and took Nerys’s hand as she opened her door in to the hallway.

“Ready?” Mary asked.

“As I can be,” Nerys said, smiling faintly.

“Okay then,” Mary said, and the four of them headed towards the stairs. Mary led them to the back stairs, and they wound their way down to the basement, bypassing the kitchen and dining hall. She had slowed as she walked through the basement, following Mary and Stephanie. Nerys could feel her pulse quicken in her chest and in Sophia’s grip, who squeezed her hand in a reassuring way.

Ultimately, Nerys found herself in the same recovery room that Sophia had been in just a few weeks before, only their positions were reversed today. She realized as she walked in that Randal had actually been in a different one last week; that room was flipped to this one. She wondered briefly why they would need more than one, as she had sat down on the edge of the bed.

Nerys didn’t have a lot of time to think, though, before Rabia knocked on the door frame and came in smiling. “Good morning, Nerys!” she said brightly. “I’m afraid we are a bit behind schedule and Katherine and I have jobs to get back to this afternoon, so if you will all kindly step outside.”

Nerys frowned. “Do they all have to leave?”

“Just until you’re all dressed and prepped,” Rabia assured her. “Mary, I believe you said you’d be joining her in the operating room?”

Mary nodded. “Yeah — I’ll be in there holding her hand the whole time.”

“Okay, go get changed really quick — Katherine will help you get washed up, gowned, and gloved.”

“Yup, got it,” Mary said and headed off. “I’ll see you in there, okay?”

Nerys nodded slowly. “Yeah, see you in there,” she said quietly.

“I’m not leaving,” Sophia said, holding up a hand to forestall Rabia’s already opening mouth. “I know, Rabia, but I promised her I’d be here, and I will. And that’s final.”

Rabia smiled faintly. “Okay, fine, just get changed quickly, Nerys,” Rabia said slightly urgently. “Then get up on the bed, and don’t worry, I won’t look until you’re ready.”

Nerys gave Sophia’s hand one final squeeze before releasing it and quickly shucking her clothing for the smock. At least it wasn’t the one they’d had her wearing in the cell, all scratchy and itchy. She leaned in and gave Sophia a peck on the lips before getting up on the bed, glad that Rabia had turned around. Sophia took her hand again after she was up on the bed, and Nerys squeezed it in thanks. “I guess I’m ready for the next phase.”

Rabia laughed. “All right then, spread your legs a bit and, uh, just try not to think about things,” she said. Nerys spread her legs and felt Rabia wipe cold things down there, sanitizing wipes of some sort, probably. It felt like she was using a razor briefly, even though she had shaved there yesterday during her shower with Sophia. When Rabia finished, she covered Nerys back up and stood. “Sophia can walk with you while I wheel you to the OR, and Mary will be inside waiting for you, okay?”

“Yeah, thanks, Rabia,” Nerys said, her nerves slipping into her voice more. She looked over at Sophia, who smiled warmly at her.

“I would be in there with you if they’d let me,” Sophia said as they walked, and Nerys was surprised to hear a slight nervous edge to her voice.

“Thanks Pinkie, but why do you sound nervous?” she asked, grinning as Rabia started the bed moving. “I’m the one going under the knife today, and I’m surprisingly doing okay with it.”

“Sorry,” she said more confidently. “That’s a me thing, and you’re doing great.”

“You are,” Rabia said from somewhere above her, pushing on the back of the bed. “Not many have gone in fully aware and willing, even since the most recent changes.”

“Damn right! I’m a prodigy!” Nerys said, giggling, nervous again as the bed approached the big double doors in to the operating theatre. Sophia gripped her hand tighter and walked right alongside the bed, smiling at her.

When they got to the doors, Rabia moved back around beside the bed and smiled, taking her other hand. “I’m sorry, Nerys, this is where Sophia has to leave us, but Mary is just on the other side of that door, okay?”

Nerys nodded and squeezed Sophia’s hand. “You’ll be there, right? When I wake up?”

“Abso-freaking-lutely, Rainbow,” Sophia said, and leaned down and kissed Nerys full on the lips. “It won’t be long.”

“See you in just a couple of minutes!” Nerys said, giggling as Rabia wheeled her through the doors.

Rabia pushed the bed through the door, and Sophia held Nerys’s hand absolutely as long as she could without crossing the line. Inside, Mary immediately picked up Nerys’s other hand and squeezed it. “Heya, Nerys,” she said, smiling brightly as Rabia wheeled the bed next to the operating table.

On Rabia’s instruction, she shuffled off the bed and on to the operating table. It was annoyingly cold, she noticed, and shivered. Rabia quickly moved the bed out of the way. “I’m going to go wash up, I’ll be right back in.”

“Sure, Rabia,” Nerys said.

Quickly the anesthesiologist started hooking various monitors to Nerys, and then placed a mask with tubes on her face right as Rabia came back in, in a gown and gloves and came to the opposite side from Mary. “Okay, you’re going to feel a slight pinch, Nerys,” Rabia said. “Then you’ll count back from 100, but you won’t even remember making it to ninety-nine, okay?”

“Yeah, sure,” Nerys said, feeling the slight pinch, while Mary squeezed her hand. “One hundred, ninety…”

***

Mary sat there holding Nerys’s hand, unable to look at what Rabia and Katherine were doing. Her own orchi had been done under a local — the full operating theater wasn’t ready until her intake was undergoing FFS. She had seen and felt more than enough, though, from her vantage point of laying flat on her back, and didn’t want to watch more directly now.

She had been stuck in her own head for so long down here. First with her anger, and later with her own thickheaded nonsense about what it was like for those going through the programme. Tabby had finally gotten through to her — well, the him that he kept constructing to try to keep himself from giving in to what was being forced on him. The thing he’d wanted more than anything, but couldn’t admit to anyone.

She had mostly wanted her orchi by the time it happened, but like the girl who’s hand she was holding, she’d been scared — albeit for different reasons. Her fears were her stupid hangups, and afterward those hangups caused her to lash out at Tabby. Tabby hadn’t stood for her bullshit though and pushed right back, got through to her, got her grounded again. And then Tabby was so kind, and Mary started opening back up, and honestly, she didn’t view her orchi as traumatic.

Now here she was with the star pupil of the year, so to speak, to the surprise of everyone — including herself. She knew it wasn’t because of her — not entirely — but she had helped. Nerys had clearly been a very spiky egg, although less spiky than she had been. She had seen some of it in Nerys’s work, before they even picked her up. It was part of why Mary had pushed for her inclusion in this intake.

Nerys had been hurting people, and being hurt by society, much like many of her Sisters. But like her Sisters, like Mary herself, she was growing, actualizing as a woman, becoming kinder, stronger.

Her mind wandered to Evelyn, her girlfriend, her best friend. When she was low, she felt Evelyn was far better than she deserved. And she had absolutely rotten luck this year. Brent should’ve been an easy case — textbook, even. He’d been just a little shit of a grifter in the files. Instead, she got the rottenest person in years. Washed out before even disclosure for being explosively violent and phobic. And then there had been the revelation about Sophia’s past ties to Evelyn’s father. Evelyn hadn’t been doing well lately, and Mary was trying to be there for her, as Evelyn so often had been there for her in the past.

Thankfully, Nerys didn’t need her full time — Sophia and Nerys were basically sponsoring each other at this point. That left her time to just be there for Evelyn, even if she couldn’t fix any of what had happened this year. And Sophia had even helped with Evelyn some; they’d had some long chats about religion. Mary had been concerned about Sophia, though, and chatted with Stephanie, who assured her she was keeping an eye on Sophia’s state of mind and would step in if needed.

She lost track of time as her thoughts wandered, and then she felt a tap at her shoulder and jumped in surprise. “Hey, Mary,” Rabia said quietly, a smile on her face.

“Sorry, what?” she said, looking up from Nerys and her thoughts.

“It’s done. Mind helping us move Nerys back onto the bed?”

“Oh, sure, of course,” Mary said, quickly standing from the stool they had let her sit on during the procedure. She helped pick up Nerys’s unconscious form and got her onto the hospital bed using a sheet to make sliding her over easier. She took Nerys’s hand again as soon as the move was done before they started the bed rolling through the doors. Sophia was waiting on the other side, and took Nerys’s other hand as they rolled her to the recovery room.

“How did she do?” Sophia asked quietly as she walked beside the bed.

“Just fine,” Rabia said, smiling as they got the bed in to the room, and clicked the wheel lock. “Absolutely no issues. I’m going back to help Katherine clean up before she has to leave, and I’ll be back later to go over aftercare again.”

“Thanks, Rabia,” Mary said, sitting on a chair on her side. “We’ll be here.”

Sophia stood there, stroking Nerys’s hair, and gently kissed her forehead before sitting down on the other side. They sat there waiting quietly, in theory it shouldn’t be long, Mary knew, but in practice it felt like forever.

Sophia was humming quietly when eventually Nerys stirred and opened her eyes. “Heya, Rainbow,” Sophia said quietly. “Welcome back.”

“I survived?” Nerys said, smiling faintly at Sophia.

“Yup, you’re stuck with me,” Sophia said, grinning.

“And with me,” Mary said with a smirk. “I’m glad your fears were for naught.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Nerys said and chuckled nervously, her throat dry and raspy. “God, I must look a sight, and my throat is like the Sahara.”

“You look great. Lunch will be here soon. And here —” she handed over a water bottle with a straw, “— some water for your throat.”

Nerys took a sip. “Oh grand. Fish and chips?” she asked, her words still a bit hoarse, and took another sip.

“Fish and chips and jelly cups, just like the lady ordered,” Mary said, nodding. “Sophia, why don’t you go check on that?”

“Oh? Sure, Mary,” Sophia said and stood. “I’ll be right back, okay, Rainbow?”

“Sure, I’ll be fine, Pinkie, see you in a bit,” Nerys said smiling.

When Sophia had left, Mary turned back to looking at Nerys with concern. “Hey kiddo, how are you really doing?”

Nerys frowned. “Been better,” she said and breathed out sharply.

“Pain?” Mary asked, concern on her face. “Katherine and Rabia are still here, I can run get one of them.”

“Not uh, like pain down there, just, uh…” Nerys said slowly, unsure what to say.

“They’re gone sweetie, I know,” Mary said, squeezing her hand. “And Sophia, delightful girl that she is, she isn’t quite like you or me. And I know, you and I aren’t entirely the same either, but —”

“— But we hadn’t wanted this when we got here,” Nerys finally managed. “It’s just an adjustment, even if I’m fine with the idea of it now. I just, I don’t want to, to disappoint her.”

“It’s okay to not be completely okay with this,” Mary said, gently squeezing her hand again. “And I know she would support you even if you weren’t entirely okay with it.”

Nerys nodded, tears in the corner of her eyes, just as Sophia knocked on the door frame. “Oh, sorry, uh, if you need a moment,” Sophia said quietly and looked away.

“No, uh, Sophia, it’s okay,” Nerys said quietly. “But uh, just know, I’m not one hundred percent okay. I’m riding it, but it’s still a thing I’m struggling with some.”

Sophia nodded, coming back over and sitting down. “That’s fine, Rainbow, you don’t have to put a front on for me,” she said, taking Nerys’s hand again. “Stephanie said the food will be down soon.”

Nerys nodded grimacing. “That’s good,” she said quietly. “And thanks, Soph, I uh, I’m Nerys, but that doesn’t mean this was easy on many levels.”

Sophia merely nodded and stroked Nerys’s hand. Mary was impressed honestly at her understanding that it wasn’t always time for talking. In another fifteen minutes, Stephanie knocked at the door and wheeled a cart in with plates for all four of them; Stephanie leaning on the bed facing Sophia as she ate. By the time they’d finished, they’d had some laughs and Nerys was feeling better.

After they finished, Mary reached in to a bag that had been at her side and held out a matching dress to Sophia’s three week’s ago, but in a gorgeous green. Nerys laughed and thanked Mary and Sophia before quickly changing in to it. Sophia took Nerys’s hand, and they walked back down to the basement together.

***

Nerys and Sophia walked into the common room holding hands and saw that all the boys were in there. Sophia fixed her smile briefly on Randal, and gave him a cute little wave with her fingers, which earned them a glare from the jackass. Nerys had braced mentally for him to make jokes about her like he had with Owen, and was relieved when he kept his mouth shut. Maria being right beside him today, leaning against a cabinet, probably didn’t hurt.

Sophia had insisted on continuing to be nice to Randal. She did it in small ways: a smile, a friendly wave, a good morning every morning. It somehow seemed to serve to annoy him even more, earning him more than one trip back to his room lately.

Nerys knew it had been rubbing off on her. She didn’t want to like Randal, and that was still seemed an impossibly long ways off, but it weirdly felt good being nice to him. Admittedly, she knew she wasn’t being as genuine about it as Sophia — she wanted to see him squirm. She gave him a little wave as well and a brief smirk of a smile, and he rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to whatever romance novel he was reading today. Maria winked at Nerys; she wasn’t sure how to feel about that specifically, and added it to her mental list of things to talk about with Mary at some point.

Another day, though — today had been more than enough already and it was only half over. Nerys and Sophia spent the afternoon sitting on the couches in the common room watching TV. Sophia had convinced the others to let her put on the terrible vampire romance and the two of them were having fun laughing along to it. Eventually, though, the others got annoyed enough to petition the sponsors to turn it off, and they retreated to Sophia’s room laughing.

Sophia thankfully had really taken to heart that Nerys was having a hard time with everything. She didn’t pester Nerys about how she was doing, and merely offered a comforting hand or shoulder when she thought Nerys was starting to think too much about it again. They talked about anything and everything but her orchi, and she only thought about it when she shifted wrong and her ice bag dislodged, or her painkillers started to wear off.

After watching another episode in her room leaning against each other, Sophia offered and quickly arranged for them to have dinner together in her room. Nerys had quietly said she didn’t want to go back to the dining room there with their eyes all on her. Grant and Carl had continually shot nervous, confused and scared looks her way earlier, which was draining, and Derek and Owen kept looking at her with pained sympathy.

The girls upstairs sent down a nice meal of unidentified casserole and a seasoned chicken filet beside it. They enjoyed it, sitting and eating on Sophia’s bed, laughing as another episode played, but when it was done and the plates put back in the dumbwaiter, Nerys stretched and yawned.

“I’m sorry, Pinkie,” she said quietly, and leaned over and kissed Sophia on the cheek. “I just need my own bed tonight, I think.”

“Sure, love you, Rainbow,” Sophia said with a smile. She leaned over and returned Nerys’s peck on the cheek. “I hope you sleep well, and you get to take whatever time you need.”

Nerys blushed. “I hope I do too. Goodnight, Sophia.” She walked over to Sophia’s door and stepped out in to the hall, turning to wave and blow a kiss at Sophia first.

Randal came out of his room as she was walking to hers, and she decided that she might as well smile at him again. They were both in the same boat, sort of, and as much as she hated him, washing out seemed terribly permanent, maybe being nice to him was the answer. “Goodnight, Randal,” she said quietly as they passed.

Randal’s face flashed through surprise and confusion to his usual scowl, and he merely grunted in response and continued walking towards the shower annexe. She got to her room, unlocked the door, and stepped inside — home again for the first time in two days. How quick this place has become my home, she thought as she sat slowly and carefully on the bed. More home than any of the places she’d lived with her dad, that much was for certain.

She grabbed a couple more of the painkillers Rabia had given her, and on impulse, she grabbed the bottle of progesterone that Mary had given her, and quickly took them all with a gulp from her water bottle. Another couple of steps down the path taken, another day survived, she thought as she laid down on the bed and closed her eyes, how weird to even be thinking about a path, a concept I thought pointless. Sleep didn’t happen immediately, but the pain meds helped, and the ice bag did too, and eventually, she did fall asleep to bizarre, progesterone-driven dreams.

2024 March 21, Thursday

Randal got up as early as he always did lately — he hadn’t been able to get decent sleep for quite a while now, and the orchi had not helped. Maria had offered him some meds that she said would help with sleep, but he knew what progesterone was and he had flatly refused it. Thankfully, she had backed off about it, as making someone take a pill against their will is not terribly feasible.

He sighed as he sat up and stretched. I might as well get in a shower and clean the stupid fucking suture site, he thought. He was only cleaning it because he knew they would likely just pump him full of antibiotics if he got an infection — and even before that they’d probably strap him down and sponge it clean if they had to. He knew they wouldn’t take him to a hospital short of a far more serious injury than he was willing to inflict on himself. Even then, he figured they might just let him die rather than risk exposing their operation.

He stood, grabbed his kit, and threw on a robe over his ugh knickers and t-shirt. Maria had replaced all his underwear while he was upstairs having his orchi, much to his annoyance. He’d tried going commando under the jogging suit pants, and he had chafed really badly and gave in. Thankfully she didn’t require him to wear the bra to bed, or before his shower, so at least he didn’t have thatannoyance hanging over him right now.

He stepped out in to the quiet pre-first-alarm hallway. There was a difference between this kind of quiet and the isolation of the cells. One was temporary, a luxury in a basement full of freaks who were too loud, the other was enforced, unending, unbearable. At least outside the cells he had some limited choice — he could wait until they were out making a ruckus to get his shower, or he could choose to shower in the peace and quiet before the first alarm.

But even being out of the cells, Randal still felt incredibly alone. He didn’t exactly have close friends out there, before Dorley, but he’d at least had his family. Recently, Maria had told him that if he didn’t wash out by some miracle, that he would have friends, that he might even see the people here as family. He liked that idea even less than having to leave here as a girl. Family was a thing you got stuck with, a thing you put up with. He didn’t want more family; he barely wanted his real family.

Randal hadn’t had many friends, not since before Alistair — Alice — and he got caught kissing and he — she — ran off. Since before Randal burned every bridge with the bastards that outed him. He was lightly chummy with some of his site’s more active users, but he couldn’t trust them — if he ever let something about his real identity slip, he knew what they would do with it. And his family? His family were more or less generally politically aligned — they hated the freaks at least as much as he did — but they were always fighting with each other over petty shit, and they never accomplished anything.

But down here? He had Sophia and Maria. That’s all there was, and it was depressing. And of those two, Maria clearly despised his guts and didn’t care about hiding it. Sophia was the only person who’d shown him any kindness since he arrived in the basement, and if she knew the truth, that would be the end of that. He thought briefly about telling Sophia and the rest of them the truth; maybe she’d fly off into a rage and get herself kicked out instead of him. No, the sponsors wouldn’t wash her out — she was clearly under their protection for some reason — so he would be admitting to the worst thing he’d ever done for nothing.

Well, and freaking Nerys had started copying Sophia, to the point of saying goodnight last night without Sophia around to see. He still couldn’t figure out what that was about. Before last night, Nerys had been mostly smirking afterward, daring him to lash out at her, but last night, she just said it nicely — no smirk, not a single trace of ill will detected, just her saying goodnight earnestly. And no one besides the cameras to see. Why would she do that?

He walked slowly into the annexe, his thoughts still swirling as he disrobed, hanging his stuff off to one side of the shower head. Randal set the temperature to fairly hot and let the noise and heat of the water flow over him, once again grateful this place had decent water pressure. He quickly did the required ablutions of his incision and then the rest of his body, then proceeded to wash his hair. His hair was getting annoyingly long; it was at that length now where it wouldn’t stay out of his eyes, and he didn’t have so much as a rubber band to keep it out of them. Maria had offered him a headband — in pink — but he turned her down. When he finished, he dried the incision site by patting as he rolled his eyes before drying the rest of himself by rubbing as he always did.

He was just putting his robe back on when he heard the doors from the hallway open and Sophia and Nerys came in, bouncing and laughing. He’d taken too long — lost in his own thoughts, apparently. “Good morning, Randal,” Sophia called into the annexe brightly as he stepped out and fixed a glare on the pair of them.

“Good morning, Randal!” Nerys added, smiling, maybe not quite as genuine as last night but close, and he still couldn’t figure out why.

“Ugh. Just leave me alone,” he said and started to pick up his kit.

“Oh, come on, Randal,” Sophia said behind him as he started to push the door open. “Just say ‘good morning’ — it won’t hurt you!”

“Fuck you,” Randal said loudly over his shoulder as he pushed on through in to the hallway.

Maria was leaning outside his door, and she had her usual smirk on her face and was carrying a tote bag. “Good morning, Randal,” she said, grinning at him. “I can tell by your scowl, and from the shout I heard, that you met our ambassadors of good cheer this morning.”

Randal rolled his eyes and pushed his door open and stepped inside, quickly followed by Maria, who stopped just inside as he started digging out clothes for the day. “What do you want?” he asked sullenly.

“Just wanted to offer you some coffee,” she said, raising the tote bag as he pulled on the stupid bra and a clean pair of knickers, his back turned to her. He thought briefly again about violence but knew it wouldn’t do any good. “You had a whole huge thread on your site about how you were mildly obsessed with it before arriving here, taking detailed notes about methods and temperatures and whatnot. Some almost good thoughts in that thread, if it weren’t for, you know, everything else on your site.”

“It’s probably terrible sludge from an instant pot,” he spat as he pulled on a pair of jogger suit bottoms and a t-shirt.

“It’s actually excellent,” Maria said, taking a sip from a mug she had extracted from her tote. “Got a thermos and mug in here just for you, if you do one small thing for me.”

“What’s the cost?” he said, glaring at her as he sat down on his bed.

“Say good morning,” Maria said, smiling.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it,” Maria said, nodding. “Say good morning to Sophia and Nerys, and this thermos full of delicious, slow roasted, perfectly blended, cafetière coffee,” she raised the bag slightly, “is yours. And the same will be on offer for any morning going forward that you say good morning to both of them.”

“Resorting to bribery now?” Randal asked, smirking. “You’re grasping at straws.”

“Sophia and Nerys are being nice to you,” Maria said, smiling. “The least you could do is try to at least return common courtesies, like ‘good morning’.”

“Why, are you going to wash me out if I don’t? I don’t need coffee,” Randal said, trying to look haughty. God, it smells good, though, he thought. What harm will me saying ‘good morning’ really do to me? Just sacrifice my dignity a bit and get some coffee. “What are you going to try next? Better food?”

“Your loss,” Maria said, smirking and holding the bag a bit away from her, so she could look at it. “No stick with this one, just a carrot. Guess I’ll take this and dump it. Or give it to Sophia, although she probably doesn’t really need the caffeine, and she’s been perfectly happy with instant upstairs.”

“Fine,” Randal growled and started to reach for the tote. She hadn’t said he had to make it a nice good morning.

“Ah, ah, Randal,” Maria said, shaking a finger at him and pulling the tote back. “No good morning, no coffee. I’ll see you in the breakfast room,” Maria said and left his room, taking the tote of coffee with her.

He growled to himself and stood and left his room, following her down the hallway. It would be so easy, just grab her from behind and force her to let him go. But no, Randal remembered, tasers, locks, soldiers with real fucking guns if Nerys of all people was to be believed. And real guns being pointed at him wasn’t something he ever wanted to experience — not worth the risk, even on the chance that Nerys was lying.

Just as she turned the corner, Sophia and Nerys came out of the annexe. “Oh! Good morning, again, Randal,” Sophia said brightly.

“Good morning, Sophia, Nerys,” he said in the most guttural voice he could manage.

“Well, good morning to you, too, Randal,” Nerys said giggling and walked past Randal who stood there stunned. Maria popped her head back around the corner and grinned at him. He growled in frustration and followed Maria to the breakfast room.

“One thermos of coffee, as promised,” Maria said, sitting a mug down on the table and pouring some coffee in to it from the thermos, before capping it and setting it to one side.

He greedily snatched the mug up and tasted it. It was surprisingly good, at least as good as he usually made at home. Good blend of beans, properly roasted. He let out an audible sigh before he could stop himself. Damnit, Randal, have some self-control.

“Like that, do you?” Maria asked, standing by the wall opposite the table from him.

“It’s fine,” he said evenly, sitting down, and taking the mug in his hands. Feeling the warmth and savoring the smell. “After so long without, who’s to say it’s not just my mind playing games?” It wasn’t. He might have wound up cold turkey in here, but he knew what good coffee was, and this was excellent.

“The mug is a dead ringer for you too,” Maria said with a grin as he took another drink.

He held it out as he swallowed and read it: Nothing gets between a woman and her coffee, not even her balls. He nearly dropped the mug in disgust, spilling some of the precious black fluid in the process. “You had to go and ruin a good thing, didn’t you?” he said, glaring at her.

“Drink your coffee, Randal,” Maria said, smiling at him, and reaching for a rag to hand him to wipe up the spilled coffee.

He sighed and picked the mug back up and started drinking it as Maria drank from hers. This fucking place. Be ‘nice,’ get coffee, get insulted by the fucking mug of all things.