Jimmy had won!

His little brother was the toughest opponent he’d ever faced, even the Valture party wipe couldn’t compare, but damned if Jimmy was anything but a sore loser.

The fat lizard drug the demoness over and the sword caressed Jimmy’s own bindings.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Jimmy cried.

He had one more trick up his sleeve, a lesson to his little brother.

“Cut me down! Not like this, please…” Jimmy said.

Unfortunately, the fat lizard didn’t heed Jimmy’s request. It shoved on the demoness’ arm, gritting its teeth with exertion. But the blade wouldn’t budge.

The demoness tilted her head, studied Jimmy with hungry eyes, and nodded. As though the fat lizard didn’t even matter, she carefully sawed Valreaper around the cocoon.

The pressure on Jimmy’s chest eased with every snap of the threads. She was cutting him free. Ha! She was cutting him free!

One last snap, and Jimmy fell forward. Oh shit! She’s planning on catching me, right?

Seeing him fall, the demoness panicked and shook herself free from the fat lizard. Her arms reached out and…

Completely missed him.

What a moron.

His whole body fuzzed and tingled as Jimmy’s feet touched down, and just as he thought he’d caught a lucky break, his knees buckled. Fuck me. My legs are asleep. My arms? Ah…fuck.

That was Jimmy’s last thought before his cheek cracked against the hard floor.

…

…

His head rang and Jimmy struggled to organize his thoughts. Something very soft and exceedingly perky pressed against his cheek.

Sweet, sweet Linwella. I knew those motorboats were for sale.

He snuggled into the busty inkeeper’s comfy embrace, lamenting all those wasted years with Rhonda. His girlfriend was beautiful, now, and loyal, stupidly loyal, but Jimmy knew their relationship was lopsided. Her affections far exceeded his own. She loved him and he…she’s got a nice personality, right?

Unable to contain himself, he blew a raspberry. I was wrong. Oh, so wrong. These puppies are at least fifty horsepower. Sorry Donny, Linwella’s tits put the mullet to shame. Wait…I’m an idiot! Linwella needs a mullet! Why didn’t I think of that sooner? The stats....the stats...the stats....

Sorry Rhonda, you’re so precious and I tried, I really did, but I don’t love you. I probably never did.

He blew another raspberry, savoring the throaty growl of the engines, and Linwella…gasp?

Slowly, he turned to look up at her soft face. Big black eyes gazed down. Below them, off-white cheeks flushed with embarrassment. That is embarrassment, right?

A slender Xenomorphic centipede wagged in delight and Jimmy’s heart fell into his stomach. His body stiffened with terror.

I was wrong! Oh, how wrong I was. That’s not embarrassment. She’s horny. Wait? Did I just motorboat the demoness?

He was cradled in the demoness’ embrace. What was worse, he’d confirmed her fifty horsepower motorboat.

Finally, the situation made sense. I was knocked the fuck out.

The demoness’ embrace was suffocating and Jimmy eked out one last favor.

“Can you ease up?” He squeaked, unsure whether the fall or her hug knocked off more hp.

Her eyes flashed and she shook her head.

“I’m s-sorry about the motorboat…it wasn’t on purpose.” Mostly.

“No, no, no.” Her voice was sultry, like a MILF who sucked down two cigars a day.

“P-please?” He ventured.

When he said that, she gave one last squeeze that nearly shattered his rib cage, praise Lord Prometheus for a cheat-like physique. He almost died.

Releasing her arms, Jimmy remembered his plan. Valreaper draped idly at her side. Slowly, Jimmy reached for it. To either side of her, the fat lizard and the fake-hostage stiffened at his movement, ready to pounce at a moment’s notice.

Carefully, he wrapped his fingers around the blade. Contrary to popular belief, great-swords were not all that sharp, sharing more in common with a wedged bludgeon than the razored edge of a rapier.

Valreaper was no different.

Jimmy wrapped his fingers around the blade, careful not to make any sudden movements lest the demoness’ two bodyguards pounced. He raised the tip. God, it was so heavy. How long had he been strung up? Long enough to be malnourished, apparently.

The demoness still clasped the hilt, but there was no strength behind her grip. Jimmy tilted it up, up as far as his shaky arms could manage.

He leaned forward, blade raised high and prodded his…well, his belly button. Okay, he couldn’t actually get it too far off the ground. What could be said? He’d been strung to a wall for who knew how long.

The tip poked into his gut and he glanced over his shoulder, right to Timmy’s cocoon.

That little trooper, he’d tried so hard to win, but Jimmy was blessed by God himself. Jimmy was the white Power Ranger. No, not weak-ass season two Tommy. Oooh, I lost my powers. Boo-hoo. Nope, he was mysterious OP season one Tommy, the guy with the flying sword that shot friggin’ laser beams from its eyes. Yup, that Tommy.

Unable to contain himself, he gave Timmy the smuggest, shit-eating grin in the history of all smug, shit-eating grins. Sure, Timmy whined and whimpered, but Jimmy was determined to gloat. Ha! You’re ten years too early to be my match, little bro. I’m the King of Sore Losers.

He shoved the blade into his gut.

Heed My Prowess!

Then he shoved the blade into his gut again…and again…and again. WTF?

Jimmy bopped back and forth, desperately trying to stab himself with Valreaper, but he was too weak. The tip wouldn’t penetrate.

Come on! I don’t even need the whole thing. Just the tip! Just give me the tip!

More than likely, Timmy would die of shame for his older brother before Jimmy succeeded in killing himself. At that point, Jimmy was basically humping his own belly button.

Come on! Come on!

He stopped struggling, giving up trying to fuck himself. Looking up at the demoness, he fluttered some puppy dog eyes and put on the most pathetic expression he could manage. So much for OP stats…I’m about to grovel before the demoness. Ugh. Valere was too easy, way too easy.

“Um…Miss, could I, uh…could you, uh, give me a hand? Please…,” he shamelessly begged. Please don’t let Timmy die of embarrassment first.

She swallowed hard.

And then…she nodded. She agreed to help.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t at all what Jimmy had in mind.