Chapter 1
In which God tries to recap the creation of the entire universe
GOD
Hey there. So many stories tell about reality in the framework of the beginning of things. But this is poor phrasing grammatically, since there really is no beginning and no real end either, aside from a kind of finale.
So a more correct term would be "after the moment of creation". Very few of them deal in the exact moment of creation, and even less show any consideration at all to before the creation. Now, some of you reader may think that such a question is meaningless, because there was in fact no time or space before such things were created. In fact, there cannot even be said to be laws of physics until an actual universe was created to house such things. But I think you know why you don't give much thought to this. It isn't because such an answer isn't interesting. It is more than a bit interesting thinking about a world without time and space, and how I bypassed the limits that would halt you humans in your tracks to create something out of nothing when these same laws of physics say that matter and energy can't be created or destroyed. You see, as interesting as it is to talk about before the creation, we humans can't do so without going insane and muttered to yourself, "Nothing is real, nothing is real, nothing is real, nothing is real..."
I imagine you think that I am kidding. But then, you readers haven't personally seen the white screen, the empty set that I work with in order to make time and space, and all manner of events in every existing reality. Nor do you fully grasp what it means to create something. Doing so would drive sentient creatures mad, as they struggle with their sense of being in a universe where life is made from me.
Long ago, as though such a thing can be said before time, there wasn't even a white screen. There was only me, sitting alone in the universe. I was perfect, everything was perfect. Only everything was undifferentiated so I really had no way of knowing whether things actually were perfect or not, since there was no good or bad to measure it against. I was male and female, a hermaphrodite. There were no distinctions, and everything was equal. With equality, everything breaks down into meaninglessness. It is only when things are distinct that there is value. And so, I divided myself into God and Void. Now, I had form and consciousness, and the capability to know good from evil. And I walked upon the surface of the Void, and was not consumed or halted like created things might be. And so I said (translated roughly), "Let there be light!" The light shone upon the Void, and there were Reapers. And there was my white screen, expanding infinitely around me. And I set to work on creation.
But let's back up a bit here. Why did I create things in the first place? Well, why do salmon swim upstream? Why do men and women write long books about all sorts of topics from mystery to romance to nonfiction? Why do people write beautiful sonnets and paint works of art? Or stuggle to overthrow dictatorships and other works of heroism? It's to get laid, of course. Because as you know, books with the title Chilton Auto Repair: 1983-1993 Chevrolet S10 Blazer get all the ladies to say "Take me now~!" But in a deeper sense, we strive and struggle towards things to mitigate loneliness and to keep suicidal feelings at bay. It's not good for people to be alone. Oh sure, I had Jesus with me, as John 1 tells people in the Bible, and the Spirit of God (also known as the Holy Spirit) was always sorta around somewhere as part of the Trinity. And as I say, there were angels and Reapers. But at the time before everything was created, everything was... well boring and lonely as fuck, so to speak.
Anyway, after the moment of creation ("the beginning"), I began to separate things. Light became light and darkness, the waters of the Void became water and Void, then water was further split into water, earth, and sky. I also created a sun and moon. Gradually, life arose on this world. First it was underwater grasses, then birds and fish, then land animals, finally human life in my own image.
Now, you could talk about universal time where solar systems were made, galaxies, black holes, stars, evolution, and so on. How life arose by accident. How rocks merged together, and volcanic activity made oxygen, and life sort of evolved from a primordial pool, and randomly assembled itself through struggle like kodoku (according to legend, if you put bugs in a jar, they will fight to the death, until one becomes a golden bug with powers of blessings and curses). Such evolution in a vat, has never been replicated by scientists, and if it had, the amount of meddling you would need to do represents intelligent design. Life comes from life, not from death. Only I can make life where before there was none, because I Am Life & Death. Or maybe a comet randomly hit Earth, and somehow it had life on it, but you can't explain where that life came from. You would have to cycle back to the above explanation, and still be at a loss for how an explosion without any structure makes all that is. This would be like concluding that a monkey could form out of stone from the natural energy of a nearby mountain. The Journey to the West is an interesting story, but ultimately, the Buddha pins such a monkey under a mountain of evidence to the contrary.
Or you could talk about the geological eras from the Hadean to Proterozoic to Paleozoic to Mesozoic to Cenozoic, and talk about dinosaurs and such, and how they are totally because we found these bones over here that weren't made with plaster of paris or papier-mâché. And that no plumber or electrician ever discovered such bones by accident while digging for construction, but this randomly chosen dig site, you seem to find artifact after artifact. What a coincidence! Clearly not because you intend to make huge profit selling to a museum.
But let's be honest with ourselves, shall we? You humans don't actually know whether the Void known as outer space actually exists. You don't know this, despite NASA showing you for years that space shuttles go outside the Earth's atmosphere, fly into the moon, Mars, or some other world. The universe could be built around a Yggdrasil model with worlds connected by rainbow bridges or it could assume that the Earth's is the only atmosphere that exists, that its sun and moon are in orbit within that atmosphere, and that stars are actually angels. You don't know whether the Earth is flat or round. You humans don't even know for sure whether moon has a back side!
How then can we know for certain that dinosaurs are real, any more that whatever is said about outer space? It is true that evolution is possible, but it's only so species can survive natural disasters. Darwin wasn't the one who was right, it was the theory of catastrophism and Lamarck's theories that were correct, as well as those of Étienne Geoffroy Saint-Hilaire. These models all work on the principle that life is created, and that the mechanism of evolution only accounts for specific circumstances. It is simply not true that animals compete to be the fittest, if they did this, they would not survive. To say nothing of Hitler using these same ideas of selection to justify a genocide against the Jews. But anyway, it seems like an awful waste to make a universe, if it's mostly going to be empty of life. There are maybe other worlds out there (like I'd tell you for sure), but this nonsense of a big expanding universe and the Heat Death is just so much unproven crap. Any worlds that I may or may not have created are totally filled with life, I'll have you know! And I certainly won't tell you that maybe I did make Nine Worlds, and a few other dimensions.
Over six days, that is to say six billion years, though scientists now have revised that date to 4.5 billion years, I formed together the Earth. The 4.5 billion years they admit to was after my first experiment. My first experiment was not you humans reading this now, but creatures called Drudges. Now, the Drudges were not made like organic life. They did not need to breathe, they could live without air, water, or anything really. I wanted to see if I could make something that would keep me company. So I created these beings 6 billion years ago using a forge. From lava and iron, I cast such a thing, it was sturdy and able to shrug off any of the physical forces of the world. A Drudge could take down a dragon if I ordered it to. And Drudges were very obedient, more so even than my angels.
So I decided upon a test to see if they were a worthy creation. I placed them in a garden among living things. These inorganic creatures were assigned two tasks. They were told not to eat from the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil, and they were told to name the creatures that lived, and till the fields of my garden. I told them it would be very sinful if they should eat this fruit, guarded it by nothing, and got made like an old solid snake or something to tell them that they should totally eat from the Tree because it enhanced their hardware. Instead, I head them say, "WE. HAVE. RECEIVED. PRIOR. ORDERS. THOSE. ORDERS. ARE. LAW. THESE. ORDERS. CONFLICT. WITH. THOSE. ORDERS. WE. CAN. LOGICALLY. TAKE. NO. ACTION..."
Later, I approached them. I asked them for a report of their progress naming various animals. They said, "ERROR. WE. HAVE. BEEN. UNABLE. TO. NAME. ANY. OF. THESE. LIFEFORMS. YOU. HAVE. ASSIGNED. TO. US. THE. FILE. HAS. NOT. BEEN. FOUND..." It turned out that Drudges didn't have any creativity, so they couldn't name any object, much less living beings. In fact, in order that they have names at all, I had to write a serial number on each of them using a barcode. Nor had they done what I'd liked in the farming. Oh yes, they had tilled a field, but they didn't seem to understand how to choose crops to plant, leaving a barren line in my garden. There was no sign that they had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil, or in fact any other tree in all that time. They were obedient and perfect, and I hated them. They had no kindness, no remorse, no ambition, no restraint, no happiness, no sadness, and no humanity. They were machines that were on, but completely incapable of what I actually wanted for company. And so, I manifested a sledgehammer and smashed those suckers to kingdom come.
Ironically, later humans themselves would try to make robots, although theirs were coded as assistants rather than trying to make sentient lifeforms. So I suppose I could congratulate them for trying to copy me. But robots suck. Anyway, all of this brings up an interesting line of thought. According to most Bibles, the free will provided by the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil was somehow sinful and that eventually at end times we'd be without sin. I find this interesting because supposedly it implies that I like robots. Let me assure you, I tried that experiment.
I sighed, and tried a second time at creating life. This time, I created a being from dust and dreams. I used dust, because like clay, I could mold them as I liked. I used dreams, because dreams were part of the spirit. When I slept, human existed. When I awakened, the Day of the Lord came, and all humans reverted back to nothing. But in the mean time, this meant that humans had a mortal body made from clay, and an immortal body made of spirit. And so, I took a long rest for a day while these first two humans lived. I had to wake up, as I felt there was a problem.
