Chapter 12
In which the plot unfolds. Or unravels?
AMBROSIA
I didn't want to talk about the event where I faced Estheriel. But the question of what happened was nagging at my mind. As I was going over my past in order to explain to the readers, I discovered that there was an actual gap in my memory. Yes, much like the one from long ago. That would be when my memories of age nine and before were forcibly suppressed to keep me from remembering that God was my parent.
When God had come to my mom, God didn't look like me. Not initially, anyway. God's public form was a set of three triangles. Yes, like the Hojo crest. For millions of years of human history, God was referred to as He or Him. Well, this was probably for the best. Baal's wife Ishtar, an opponent of mine (though not remotely a rival, for the only reason I did not do away with Baal and his wife were because they were man-made deities, or figments of the imagination, and I had forbidden myself to strongly interfere with human free will)... I stopped myself. I was going to say that Ishtar referred to herself with divine female pronouns, and called herself the Queen of Heaven. But I realized even in my parenthetical thoughts, that I had been talking as though I were God. I was mixed up. God was typically separate from Ambrosia, the girl. I was a human, who only used the powers of God indirectly. I didn't refer to memories of God, or know these things directly. Something was wrong...
As I thought through how God met my mom, and started to mix it up with myself meeting my mom, and having myself as a child, my memories began to become twisted up. My last thought was to do with the battle with Estheriel...
The group of us were fighting Estheriel using our best abilities. The fight dragged on for hours, but eventually it seemed like we won. But after a few minutes, Estheriel stood up again, pushing from the ground. “You may have beaten me, but you shall never destroy me!” the archangel declared. I groaned, “ Aww c'mon, already! I've practically killed you.” Estheriel explained, “You should be very glad that you did not, Ambrosia Brahman. I shall use your name, for you have proven yourself worthy of my attention. Look upon my countenance. Unlike Belial, I have not been transformed into a demon.” Estheriel's face was indeed pretty beautiful. But I'm still not sure if that's a guy or a girl. She(?) went on to explain, “This is proof that despite a possible error, I have done no evil in this world. Killing a pure angel would be like murdering a child. The act would taint your soul.”
I didn't knw what to make of this, “I almost did that? Why didn't God tell me...?” Estheriel responded, “There are a great many things God likely has not told you, such as the true nature of the Oracle. In this world, all things fade and die. The worthwhile things are preserved through a cycle of renewal.” She continued this explanation, “Nature, Love, God, certain teachings. All of these pass on from generation, by rebirth or passing on to newer generations. It's not a question of how good or bad someone is, nobody is spared this fate.” I said, “So what?!? It’s not like God can die.” Estheriel laughed, as if to correct us.
Estheriel elaborated, “The reason God is eternal, is because God can choose an heir in order to be reborn. Well God doesn’t really die, so this isn’t accurate. It’s a rebirth if you want to call it that. But it’s more like a resetting or a memory wipe. The last of the Oracles was an experiment, but God realized that only a true incarnation would work. The Oracle can renew God, or they can become God. The former is done when the Oracle dies, but the latter can only be done by taking the role of God and abandoning one's earthly life.” I fidgeted with my tablet before returning it to her pockets. I knew about using the power of God by typing into this tablet, but each time, I risked disappearing for good.
I needed more explanation, “ I'm still not following. What will you do?” Then I said as Estheriel coughed some blood, “You're about to die, aren't you?” After some strain, Estheriel mentioned, “As an angel, I have certain powers... Such as to possess bodies... I could easily become you and take over all existence, ruling as the new God.” Welp, that's it.
“I'm afraid not,” a voice to the side spoke. Looking that way, we saw the valkyrie leader, who said her name was something like Brunhilde. Brunhilde raised her spear and then tossed, skewering Estheriel right through the heart. Even for an angel, impaling was a nasty business, although Estheriel was able to talk with such a thing. “But why...?” she asked. Brunhilde sneered, “Why? You should know by now. We valkyries serve only women and the strongest of men. We function as troops to defend love and life. From my battles with Ambrosia, I have found her more deserving of our ranks than you. We valkyries are women of honor, and using gutless tactics like body-swapping to usurp God's throne is inexcusable. God, let me face punishment for betraying my purpose. I apologize, but I cannot abide cowardice.” She knelt to the ground and waited for God to make a decision.
God said, You understand that you will be bound in sleep for the first man to come wake you up, and will be transformed into the weakest woman? She nodded, and suddenly the valkyrie was wrapped with flames.
The athletic lady sang, then the battle was over. We had all survived, and now we were looking at one girl surrounded by flames yet not burned. She was a tough lady. Estheriel said to us, “You've got me at your mercy. Now what will you do to me?”
Branch I
NEVRAS
My love (Ambrosia) has a kind heart. I know it doesn't seem that way sometimes. But it's true. When faced between a choice of letting someone go, killing someone, or saving them, she always chooses to save them. After trying all the other options. As Estheriel lay dying, she said, “You've got me at your mercy. Now what will you do to me?” Tamashii said something like, “The likes of you don't deserve mercy.” My dearest with her kind heart said, "Hey, shush!" in the kindest way possible.
Somehow what she did next was obscured from my vision. I saw her holding a clear rectangle, and seemed to be banging down on it with her fingers. I saw a light extended from above, and I saw a burst of prismatic light wash over the body of Estheriel. The angel's eyes opened and they sat up. Estheriel asked, “Why... Why did you save me?”
Ambrosia breathed in like she was gonna give some kinda long and moving speech. She said, “You were right about many things. This world is lonely, terrible, crass, and unjust. People die pointless deaths and it's unlikely to get better. But you were wrong about two things. What the world needs is not God's justice, but God's mercy and love. And, I'm not God's replacement. I'm God.” And with that, she kinda did one of those creepy things where something pops out of your skin. We'd seen this happen with Tiamat, but this one was far less gross. She didn't turn into a three-headed dragon chicken, but instead a big ball of light took shape as a more intensely brilliant Ambrosia walked out of her old physical body. Now Ambrosia was far more like herself. My heart was hurting just from looking at her. The others averted their eyes, but I couldn't help but stare despite reading lore about the dangers of looking at the true form of God.
Before she continued, though, I asked her, “What?!? Really? When did that happen?” She faced me and her kind face was really intense, “Remember when we were fighting Belial and everything sorta blacked out for a second? Well, there was a lot of stuff I didn't tell you.” Tamashii, being the troll that she is, couldn't resist the chance to be snarky, yet she had the sense to speak with her eyes averted. That must be hard, not being able to talk to your mom directly. Tamashii said, “The nerve! Keeping stuff from your husband like that!” Ambrosia shrugged, “Ah well, it wasn't something that you'd believe anyway.”
Ambrosia with an idle motion shrunk the Universe Egg that we were inside somehow without crushing us, resting it in her hand. However, she was new at this. She realized about that time that we were standing in midair. She quickly manifested a clear white disc below all of us so we wouldn't fall to our doom, blushing as she did so. She explained while touching the Egg, “Nevras and everyone else didn't really exist except as a dream, until I helped create them. That's what this Egg we're in is for.” She juggled the Egg briefly, then getting bored, returned it to full size in the space behind her. “So now you know...” she continued, with some feelings of fear of judgement for her secret, “You don't want anything to do with me, do you Nevras? Tamashii? Guys?” There was a long awkward pause. I immediately loved her, but was so dumbfounded I was unable to speak for a second. Tamashii thankfully broke the silence, “Are you kidding?!? That's like the coolest thing my mom can be!” She suddenly found herself in a big group hug with me and Tamashii. Her new form felt at least as soft as her body was, and she was very warm to the touch. “We can join you when you head up to Heaven, right?” I asked. She nodded, “Of course! I'll need some company, and you guys are family!” Tamashii asked, “What will happen to God's angels? And for that matter, God?” Ambrosia explained, “They'll still be part of Heaven. My mom and dad will probably be reborn. Estheriel, I forgive you. You're welcome there too.” In the midst of all of this excitement, my heart gave out. I saw the others rush to save me, but it was no good. Everything began to fade away...
BEYOND ALL THINGS
In the history of religion, very few people have seen the true form of God and lived to tell the tale. It takes an exceptional soul. But Nevras was not an exceptional soul, despite being royalty. He was simply a guy in love with a girl. And so, he died like all mortals, when faced with God. But death is not an end, it is simply a change from living into what comes after. It can be compared to pulling off false garments, to reveal what's underneath. When Ambrosia did so, her soul looked like her body. Ambrosia was always God, God was always Ambrosia. Only the intensity was changed. Seeing God in (His?) true form is nearly always deadly. And Nevras just couldn’t resist looking at her.
There have been debates over the years about the transgender population. Some say they are mentally ill for believing that they are a woman trapped inside a man's body. Some say that God made a mistake, and they should have been otherwise. But the material world isn't reality. Once bodies are stripped off, as will happen to all of us after death, what remains is our hearts and feelings. Our souls. I don’t think God makes mistakes though, some of us are intended to be tomboys and femboys, so that the soul inside will show the falsehood of physical reality. And so it was that after death, after all things of Nevras's body were stripped away, Nevrasia the woman emerged from the shell. Yes, I know, an earlier ending had Nevras be male in the Afterlife. But this is not the Afterlife, this is the Real World; the world only those able to dismiss all illusion face.
Nevrasia opened her eyes and looked at herself. Souls start as balls of light, which again is why Nevras was either male or female. She didn't have eyes at all until she thought about having a body. Her new hands were long and fine, like a pianist's, her arms were slim, her shoulders narrower, her neck no longer with an Adam's apple, her blond hair longer and wavier than before parting neatly in front and extending down to her hips in back. Moving down her body, her supple breasts, her narrow waist, wide hips, long legs (she was just as tall as before), and cute feet completed the look. She was naked, and yet she was unashamed. She added clothing, but only for style, not for modesty. The air around her shimmered, and suddenly she wore some Mary Jane heels, black stockings, and a gray dress paired with a green mock-turtleneck and denim jacket. Ahead of her in the white empty space appeared God. Or Ambrosia. This one would never call her God, but rather her Dearest. Like many, Nevrasia could choose to be a ghost, to reincarnate, or to go somewhere like Heaven or Hell for an Afterlife. Nevrasia had not chosen any of these, but rather told the Reapers exactly what she wanted. “To be with Her forever,” she said. And so there she was, the Bride of God, a Saint in Her presence.
Ambrosia shone gloriously. It was not the whole bright light that you see in a lot of those Christian movies. It was a more a vibrance of color and intensity. Every feeling was shared intimately. The slightest touch brought a rush of pleasure far more than any physical intimacy. “Hey,” the girl named Nevrasia said. “Hey there,” responded the blue-haired God known as Ambrosia. Nevrasia yawned. “I'm kinda tired. What will we do tomorrow,” she asked, “how about a date?” Ambrosia nodded, despite knowing that there was no real time in this place. For in this place, one could go anywhere and to any time. Nevrasia could be anywhere as one of God’s Saints: to the mortal world to visit friends, to another person's Afterlife if one of them died, or revisit days or hours in life. Such things were denied to a normal spirit, but if Nevras could do them, Ambrosia could certainly do them as God. They would follow each other anywhere. “I'd love to,” she said, “let's meet near Phoenix. At around nine...”
Branch II
AMBROSIA
Everything happened as before, Estheriel begging for mercy, Tamashii saying that cheesy line, and me shushing her. Ultimately, I had a bunch of choices, but the idea of killing or saving people seemed absurd. I simply walked away, shrugging my shoulders. I told her, “Forget it. I'm not healing you. And I'm not killing you. I don't care about your stupid vengeance against God, I wanna live my life. If you heal up, great for you. Otherwise, that's your problem.” I was leaving this problem what Elias called Schrodinger's cat, although in this case, the “cat” was actually actively being impaled by a giant spear and slowly bleeding to death. I was just gonna walk away. Ah well, I suppose letting fate decide will make everything work just fine. Anyway, my daughter had gotten her big epic quest. It was time for Tamashii to go. She had seen everything.
I motioned to my husband and child, “Let's go, Nevras. You too, kid.” Nevras said, “Of course,” and held Tamashii's hand as we walked out of this place. We picked up Suzaku in the Aiken monastery, and thanked them for watching our bird. It was looking younger, so I imagine our phoenix had immolated itself in the mean time. After we left, the others went back to their lives, but unlike the last nine years they visit pretty often. While stopping the villain hadn’t been necessary, our journey helped us reconnect. Anyway, I finally realized defeating an angel was never our true quest at all.
Lilith and Aqorm are watching their kid grow up. Lilith eventually made up with Michael too, and Michael is actually enjoying being a mother. And every now and then, Aqorm and Lilith show up in Michael's place. They come by our house too, so I see Sastra fairly often. But I haven't noticed Portia around lately. I guess she's busy helping Michael with important stuff up in Heaven? Or maybe she’s become too cool for us?
Zoe and Azrael quit trying to hide it and confessed their feelings. They're so cute together! Wait, I have a picture! See? There they are, sitting under that tree. Zoe is now eternal, having overcome all 108 of her reincarnations. Azrael doesn't seem to age either, thanks to the sword bonded to her, she's looking as young as when we met her! But she does kinda fade out during nights where the moon is new. But I suppose that's the price she paid for stabbing herself with that sword, after all. Anyway, after years of being together, God granted them a miracle. They had a child together.
Sera visits us some too. She's retired from bounty hunting and focusing on raising her child. The good news is she's got money enough to do this without even having any problems. But from the looks of it, she prefers not to bail out her child. Something about building character. Last I heard, she was training her child to deliver milk, do construction work, and plowing fields by hand. Her kid’s kinda young for that...
Yazim Jianne and Selqui are two of a kind. Apparently, Selqui agreed to donate most of her eggs to science experiments with him. I assume they still have a relationship of sorts, but from what I hear, the two of them used their genetic tissue in some unholy gene-splicing process to make some giant squid-like creature, and are feeding it clones of her. They drop by now and then to show off their “baby,” something which looks like Lovecraft critters more than a natural child. Its name is M̷͝ţ̨̀҉͡’̶̢̡y̛̕͝͠ḩ̛͜s̶͢͟͠͞’͘͟͟҉̵r͜͞͡͝g̢͝͝͞h͜҉ . They do have one (mostly) natural child at Yazim's request though. She’s a blue-haired selkie named Sarai.
That's not the only visitor we get around here, though... Awhile back, this red-haired kid named Bakamaru d'Angeli dropped by. “ Can I play with Tamashii, Miss Brahman?” he asked. I let him, so long as he didn't like try to molest her or anything. “Sure,” I said, “Tamashii, play nice with him. Be gentle.” Tamashii on the other hand, was a punk. “Awwwww,” she say, “but he's weak.” Well, she's not wrong. When she’s got psychic powers that can kill a yak from hundreds of yards away with mind bullets, I saw her point. “Hey,” my voice was stern now, “trust me on this. You drive him away, you'll end up a lonely woman.” I should be suspicious of some boy showing up, but Tamashii talked to him like she’d known him her whole life. Sastra seemed to like him too.
Years passed. We all got older. Tamashii became a fine woman. She married Bakamaru when she was about 18, and seemed to be pretty happy. “Thank you, darling, for being there all these years,” said the boy. That boy was cute, I’m glad she met him.
Getting older gave me time to think. All this journey, I was looking for some purpose, some reason for our wandering and struggles against creatures, but maybe Lao Tzu was right and maybe I didn't need to stop Estheriel or Belial. Well, maybe Belial. After all, it should be well within the power of God to take away the challenges of this quest, but that never happened. But why? Then I thought of my companions again, and it hit me. All of us needed this quest. I was a wreck of a person, even if I was secretly God, a homeless mess who could not even get hot food. I was without anyone in my life. Nevras was running away from his parents' expectations and the possibility of arranged marriage. Lilith was a shut-in and Michael was too wrapped up in duty. Zoe was haunted by past lives, while Azrael was trapped by being a celebrity in her tiny town. Aqorm was bored and Elias had effectively created a life where he isolated himself in study. Selqui had made herself crazy somehow, and was sacrificing to Monsters. And Yazim Jianne had lost his dearest one to a terrible tragedy. It had brought Tamashii to her purpose and to the love of her life. In our worst moments, that was when we were helped the most. More than any great purpose, this quest had been to bring us all together.
Then it happened... “Okay, honey, push!” said Bakamaru to a very pregnant Tamashii. My daughter had gotten more beautiful, but as she got older, she had become more hard-edged, and I'm not entirely sure I approved. “What do you think I'm trying to do, you jerk!” she snarled at him. For the next several minutes, she made groaning sounds, breathing out, until at last I saw head, then shoulders, then the rest of the child. It was a girl. They called her Rakuen, the name for Heaven, for she was their greatest treasure.
More years passed, and another change was going to happen.... For you see, while powerful thaumaturgy can allow many people to live long after the normal lifespan, Nevras and I don't have any special powers. When Tamashii got to be middle-aged, we got old. “*cough* *cough* *wheeze* *cough* *wheeze*” I said. Tamashii could tell I wasn't doing well. Nevras and I were sleeping all the time. I was forgetting things. And I limped quite a bit. When I looked in the mirror, it was strange. I remembered an old woman at a graveyard giving me Jar of Human Tears, to protect me from evil spirits in the town of Opening. Why did I look so much like her? But before I could think too deeply, that thought was gone in the mists of old age. “Mother, you mustn't die! I still have many things I wanna do with you,” my daughter said. What was her name...? I responded, “You can do them with your husband now. I'm sure he won't mind.” I explained that we couldn’t all be eternal like those two, that death was a part of life, and that life wasn’t about being safe. I explained that I had met all the friends I wanted, and now it was time for my next great adventure in the Afterlife. I was only human after all... I also quoted Azrael’s explanation that there are four pains: Birth, Aging, Illness, and Death. Letting going of this pain was essential, and notdying is an exception, a rarity, and we shouldn’t seek to avoid death. At least, I think that’s what I said. I was pretty senile, so maybe that profound speech remained trapped in my head. Nevras told her, “Listen to her. *cough* *cough* I'm afraid I'm not that long for this world either...” My heart beat slower. I felt each beat. I felt a chill. I grabbed Nevras, hoping not to fall. It was time to go, so we left this world. We died in each others arms.
BEYOND THE WORLD
Ambrosia and Nevras wandered through bleak darkness. This was the end. They had done everything, and couldn't imagine any more. Neither one of them had any notion of Afterlife, so they began to fall asleep. “My life... It's fading away. Is this how it ends?” Ambrosia said. Nevras nudged her awake and said, “I think there's more for us. As we built a life together, let's have an Afterlife.” And so, they continued walking.
Ahead was a cute black cat with one yellow eye and the other removed, a cat that Ambrosia immediately recognized as her Miss Kitty. The cat wandered forward as if to beckon her onward, mewling sweetly as she led her through the dark murk to two other figures. Near her cat was Nevras’s own pet Captain Falcon and a giant wasp to the right. The wasp and the bird had grown in size, now large enough to ride. This was the same wasp she had once led outside, and it appeared to now be intending to return the favor.
The dark world gradually transitioned into one that was a chiaroscuro world. There were dark shadows deep enough to hide one's hand. Yet clouds nearby were bright enough to illuminate the area. Ahead of them stood people dressed like priests from the Joseon period, with translucent black hats. It was basically a fluffy cloud land, besides of course the stark black/white dichotomy. The only thing in fact not using these tones were people. “Really? How cliche,”remarked Ambrosia. It was possible that she was using the word cliche incorrectly. The priests shook their heads, and spoke as one, “What we call Afterlife is a construct of imagination and feelings. The only thing cliche is your imagination. You must build your Afterlife with your heart. You must shape your eternity.” Ambrosia said, “You mean... this is wrong? That Afterlife looks like...?” The priests nodded, and again spoke as one, “Whatever you feel. Now build your house. And remember... if you ever get tired of your Afterlife, you are free to return to Earth, reborn.”
And so the cloudy world faded away, and was replaced with a world of color. It was Ambrosia's farmhouse with its stone chimney and a woodpile, vegetable field, and a scarecrow known as Mister Zuran nearby. But most of Ambrosia’s friends were not there to visit her, so it wasn’t as nice an Afterlife as it could have been. The living could only visit the dead twice each year, during the Ghost Festival and on Halloween. During this time, the veil separating the dead broke down for a night or so, and Ambrosia could see her friends now and then, though not as often as while they lived.
AMBROSIA
And so we lived our days for an eternity in each other's company. Sadly, Tamashii doesn't see us much. Time is weird here, so it's been generations since we died. By now, she's probably in her own personal Afterlife. But would it kill her to visit?
NEVRAS
It was like Heaven, but it wasn't always happy. We fought over stuff.
AMBROSIA
But the times we had, these were real. Each day I look forward to seeing Nevras again. Whether we fight, kiss, or just hang out together...
NEVRAS
I know that she'll be with me...
AMBROSIA
I know that he'll be with me...
That was what I really fought for as Oracle of Tao. Not some high-minded “saving the world” nonsense. I fought... to spend my days with a person I love.
Branch III
TAMASHII
My mother was stuck in a room, as I said before, with three choices. She could kill an angel before he did horrible things, knowing that it could taint her soul in horrible ways. She could walk away, allowing the aforementioned angel to possibly recover and wreak further havoc later on. Or she could heal the angel using her Console that she got from God. But I’d seen her use that before. Most of the others hadn't noticed, but I, with my psychic abilities, am tuned to the frequencies of existence and reality. Ambrosia had almost left this reality for whatever is Beyond The World, when she last used the powers of God, to help others. Oh yes, I imagine I'm not supposed to know. But I'm a sharp kid, I noticed things over the last few years growing up. Should she heal Estheriel this way, there'd be no coming back from it. I'd probably never see her again, until the day I died.
But she didn't make the choice to save the angel. She did what she felt she had to do. In other words, she fucked up (sorry, language) and killed Estheriel, knowing fully that it might make her evil. And that’s basically what happened with her.
Let's tell the story starting from the actual events though. As Estheriel lay dying, she said, “You've got me at your mercy. Now what will you do to me?” I told her something that I'd heard from some bad movie, “The likes of you don't deserve mercy.” My mom basically told me to shush then, while she thought. After a minute or a few, she made up her mind. She said, “I'm sorry, but I'm tired of mercy. Mercy was what allowed Belial to be sealed so long. And God's mercy turned you into such a nuisance.” She pulled out her knife, misusing her memento that she got so long ago from Nevras.
Estheriel was already bleeding, having a spear run through her. She was on the ground and wouldn't have been able to move without worsening her condition. But I feel like if she had been able to move, she would be on her knees begging for forgiveness. Based on what she said next, anyway. She told Ambrosia, “I was only trying to make an ideal world... I'm innocent.” I didn’t like Mom acting like this...
As much as she tried to hide it, I had seen that Ambrosia had an “evil” side. Once, this other her came out while she was sleeping, and I was running around the house. She turned out to actually be very sweet, warm and kind-hearted. In fact, while Ambrosia saw her as evil, she was actually more like Ambrosia’s fun side. While Ambrosia believed in discipline like any sensible mother, but this other Ambrosia was content to spoil me rotten. I didn't just get stuff either, but a good amount of affection. While Ambrosia slept, she took me on trips with Nevras. While she slept, she hugged me and kissed me and petted my hair and told me that I was special. She wasn't evil at all, actually. She was just unrestrained, and Ambrosia was afraid of this side of herself. But I loved her, just as I loved Ambrosia. But I'll admit, her voice always seemed unsettling.
“Wait... I don't think you should do this,” my other mother said. Ambrosia snarled at her, her distrust of her other self clear, “That's all the more reason to do it, isn't it? You're my evil self!” Both I and this other Ambrosia had the same sad look on our faces, but Ambrosia was so consumed with stuff that she didn't notice. Nevras spoke next, “ I'm a bit worried too, Ambrosia. You've become obsessed with hatred.”
For a moment, I saw the mother I remembered. The mother I loved. And then that woman appeared, the one who was bitter from having life happen to her. The old beggar was back, not the woman who became beautiful from being loved by my father. A stern woman who was no mother of mine. This woman said, “No. She deserves to die.” My father also noticed, as he was already in tears. “Please,” he said, “I'm losing you.” The evil Ambrosia told her, “If you do this, I won't exist. You'll have become me...” I can tell her personally that this is not the case, that the main Ambrosia now was acting way worse than this evil Ambrosia supposedly was. But people in sadness don't always see the best of themselves. In the Bible, they had a term for this. “Someone hardened his/her heart,” they said. This is exactly how it felt, my mom's heart which once beat with such love was instead committed to a path that sucked. I don't believe my mom is evil. But I think, just like those self-fulfilling prophecies where everyone's trying to fight the future, and then do what they hate, she didn't see any other way besides declaring war on what had troubled her. Ambrosia decided that Estheriel was always going to try to threaten her and our family. She shook her head against her other self, ignoring her words.
I watched some old videos when I was young... well, younger than now. There was an anime show where some androgynous guy possessed by this black blood stuff is being questioned by his shadow, and instead of answering, this kid just says “Pass” over and over again until the shadow starts crying. I was watching the same thing unfold here. Ambrosia stubbornly refused her other self, and her other self was getting more and more sad and frustrated. “No,” Mom said, “his death will end millions.” Evil Ambrosia was on the verge of tears, “Why? Why won't you listen to me? Do you hate me this much?”
I knew my mom. She acted tough, but under normal circumstances, she was a huge sap. She cried on all those old movies during the sad parts, and even cried during really happy moments. Watching her evil self cry like this would usually move her to tears as well. This was more evidence that Ambrosia was not her regular self. Estheriel sobbed, “When I die, you'll become a murderer.” Well, technically Mom had already killed Belial.
It was worse than that. If Estheriel's earlier explanation of just what angels were held true, it was much like eating ortolan, it was a disgusting act that one must even hide their eyes from God about. Ortolan was kinda yummy, though. If she went ahead with this, it would likely change her. Mom's face was twisted in a mix of sadness and rage. She said, “It's better this way. Now die!” She slit his throat with her First Material knife, and I saw her eyes change. You know, how people have sort of bright sparkle or intensity to their eyes? Well, I saw hers dim and turn a duller tone of blue. After that, she started stabbing the angel until it looked more like Swiss cheese than a living thing. We had to pull her away, but she went back and continued until she was covered in blood. At one point, she even opened up the body with her bare hands and started playing with internal organs, until Nevras finally grabbed her and shook her. “What has happened to you, Ambrosia?” Nevras asked, “Have you gone completely mad?!?” She looked like a wild animal!
Her eyes shifted again, as though she had one last trace of remorse, then it was gone. “Heh. Heh. Ahahahaha!!!” Ambrosia laughed. “You still don't understand, do you? The significance of this place. It's not just a lair.” Nevras looked confused, “What are you talking about? What is this place?” She explained, “I'll tell you. Sue me if you think I'm crazy. For awhile now the world you knew was just a dream. God was the only one... Oh and here's the kicker. As Oracle, I was born as an avatar of God.” I shivered, “I'm scared of Mom, Dad. And... what's an aviator?” She corrected me, “That would be 'avatar', dear. A person like me as representative of God showed the traits most prominent of God, so I too existed and could be used as a replacement for God, if God wanted to retire or something. I took over for God, and gave birth to everyone in this area.”
I remembered what Grandpa (Grandma? Mom?) had said earlier, all about us all being characters in a story. I suddenly thought about it again. If God was actually Mom and she was the main character in this story... then that made me a carbon copy of her. Or rather, it made me a carbon copy of Evil Ambrosia. I even had the same general hair color! This was my story, the story of my coming of age. This was the story of Mom's friends, each of them fragments of a single personality. All were God trying to have an adventure, not because there was a real crisis but because the alternative was isolation and boredom. This was the story of the Phantom Virus and the Plague, the former which represented fear and isolation, and the latter which represented pain. This was the story of the State and the Council. The Council was Mom's desire to be strong and independent, while the State was based on that part of her past where she was a beggar who depended on others. Like Evil Ambrosia, she hated that part of herself. It was only when I was born that she began to forgive some of these aspects. All of these things rushed through my brain like an intense vision. In any case, my mind was basically blown. I sat there unable to speak for a moment, completely shocked by this news.
Nevras asked, “So we're not real? You think a love like ours was fake all along?” While sweet, I think he missed the point. She blushed, “Nevras...” Shutting her eyes and acting all disinterested, she said, “Very well. I will spare your lives for now. But soon, I will make them all pay. After all, I created them, so now I must destroy. Balance dictates it, as the Oracle of Tao.” She tried to make it look like sparing us was an afterthought but it was so obvious. Awwww, she does love us! Even while she's crazy and scary.
Not long after when we left this place, we received word that the towns all around the land were being destroyed by some weird magic. Even soldiers and wonder-workers sent to stop this failed. We followed the trail, and it became clear that Mother had been busy. Elias managed to extrapolate that her main target was going to be Opening, before she headed south to other towns. Mom hated Opening, not just for herself, but for what that town put me through. We met her in the forest. Yup, like a wild animal after all.
AMBROSIA
I started killing monsters. I needed the experience, after all. It used to be that people could only find these things within dungeons, after about nine years ago. But suddenly, everything kinda crawled out of the woodwork to attack me. And it was weird, the more I fought after a certain point, the weaker the monsters got. I had been fighting demons and angels, then things like hydras, followed by goblins and orcs, and eventually I got to the point where I was fighting low-level squirrels and sparrows. But I didn’t stop. I was filled with determination. My stats were almost maxed out, and the monsters I fought didn't even present a challenge anymore. It was time to hunt the most dangerous game.
I don't miss those two. After all, they would only mess up my plans. It's better this way, don't you see? It's better knowing nobody ever really existed. For long. Gradually those I knew and loved faded into a distant memory, as I continued to destroy everything. I heard the satisfying crunch of a building I had toppled, and the crackle of sparks as I set it to blaze. The more I destroyed, the cleaner I felt inside. Those nagging voices quieted down. I heard myself say, “Yes, that's good. Heeheehohohahaha! But it's not enough. In order to be safe from Them, I mustn't stop here. All the people living in small villages, or the forests, I must hunt down.” I continued to rant, “Yes, I must kill them all... Or They will come to get me too. I'll not exist. I must kill to stay alive. It has to be done. Otherwise, my quest was useless. Yes... It was useless! Hahahahaha....”
I used the boat left to me from the old king of Kushiyama to make my way to the next town, stopping in a forest to eat beavers. I had only skinned one when a group of people who I didn't remember shouted after me, “Stop right there, Ambrosia!” A little girl said, “Mom, we're here to stop you!” Hmmm, was I a mother? Something stirred in my belly, but my mind didn't remember this. The demon said, “I'm not.” And indeed, she took no aggressive action towards me in the coming battle. “Well, ummm. Most of us are here to stop you, Mommy!” the girl amended. The demon walked off, so she was no threat.
I asked, “Who are you? Have we met?” The girl sobbed, “She doesn't remember us...” The blond guy said, “I hate to do this, but we need to. Attack her!” And just like that, these people attacked me. The blond used something called a Speed Slash, while the angel tried to attack me with his sword. But I sidestepped out of the way, and they wound up attacking each other. The Druid and the exorcist attacked me with spells, but I awakened my Apollo Crest and knocked everything back at them. The others tried different things, but I shrugged them all off. “Is that really your best? What's wrong?” I asked. The little girl gasped, “Guys, be careful! Her power is fueled by her emotions, and right now... She's totally over the edge. I think we might die here!” I activated my Tao ability, drawing up as Resonance, as I noted, “Something about them is annoying. I must make these voices stop.” The Yin and Yang flowed through my body, then echoed against these targets and back. I remembered who it was that I was using my powers against, for a brief moment, before I lost my mind again. Their bodies were badly torn, and they kinda died there. The recoil of the Resonance hurt quite a bit, but while I was bleeding all over the place, I shrugged this off. Zoe and Azrael lived since they were eternal now, but the Tao ability put them in enough pain that Zoe wouldn’t be coming after me any time soon. And Azrael would not recover until the next full moon.
I sat there cackling and murdering for what seemed an eternity. Using my powers, I wiped out most or all of the world's human population, along with most of the trees and land animals. Most birds and fish were above and below my powers, so there was still that. I did manage to upset the marine ecosystem however, by catching fish with my pole, then stabbing them and throwing them back, killing progressively bigger fish until I had dead sharks scumming up the water. I sound calm now, but this is much later. I came to myself and realized what I was doing. I could no longer excuse myself with insane reasons. The “scarecrows” of my friends and family now acts as a grim reminder of the time that I went down the wrong path. This will not be the only possible reality.
All of us are God, Monsters, and regular people. When we hate ourselves we become Monsters. When we simply live our lives, we are regular people. And when we love ourselves unconditionally and love others, we become part of the whole that is God. I am not proud now, not after looking back on what I did. I accept that I actually did wrong, and don't try to rationalize it anymore. But I believe there is hope. And so, using my power, I split reality into three branches, as I had done before with the whole Universe Egg rewrite. All of these branches are part of me, so if you see me in another story as a crazy person, don't tell people, “she's never done that before.” I most certainly have.
I looked down at my body. My Tao ability uses my mood. When I am stable, it works fine. When I'm depressed, it hurts me. When I'm insane... I had destroyed my friends, and so, I had also destroyed myself. My sense of self had become distorted. I looked like something from Akira, I had several tendril-like cancers throughout my body. I couldn’t breathe, I could barely see, and my organs were wrecked. I deserved it, for I had pushed away all of my friends. I was alone now. I would join you soon, my love, and I would apologize. I held your mangled body that I had turned into a scarecrow. I would die soon. I was coming to you. And we would be together. Forever.
Synthesis
TAMASHII
My mother was standing in from of Estheriel as she said, “You've got me at your mercy. Now what will you do to me?” I told Estheriel something that I'd heard from some bad movie, “The likes of you don't deserve mercy.” My mom basically told me to shush then, while she thought. She must have been thinking too hard though, as suddenly a sort of psychic storm came up. I don't actually know most of what happened next.
While reading with Elias, one time I came across an experiment by a guy named Erwin Schrödinger. He apparently put his cat in this tube where it was equally possible that the cat was alive or dead. Of course, this experiment could not last forever. Eventually, if he did not feed his cat, it would die anyway, so he would have to check on it at some point. The same was true of Estheriel, as she had sorta kinda maybe been impaled. All the same, somehow I saw all three branches of reality, and didn't know which had actually happened. I suspect we all saw the same, and we didn't get a resolution to the philosophical problem. The Universe Egg cracked open dripping us out of it in a massive stream of yolk and abumen. It resealed itself not long after, but I am perfectly certain that one day, there will be a giant Universe Chicken when it hatches. Assuming it's a fertilized egg, of course.
In any case, all of us looked at Ambrosia, as she lay prone on the ground of an island with her hair touching thick yellowish liquid. She stood up but something about her seemed weird. "Mom?" I asked. Mom struggled to speak, "I'm not sure if I'm your mother anymore, Tamashii." Oh crap. The merged-up Ambrosia/God/psychopath had a body that randomly crackled with light or darkness, as the three realities within her trying in vain to resolve themselves. She had no idea what happened when she was in the room at the center of the Universe Egg, and neither could any of us tell her. Nevras grabbed into her dress, rubbing her breasts for a second, before she grabbed his arm and insisted he touch her more. At length, Nevras pulled out a necklace on a silver chain that had a whistle attached to the end. The Dragon Whistle. Ambrosia quoted a line from a film, "You know how to whistle, right? You just just put your lips together and blow." I guess I'm not the only one who has lines they always wanted to say. In any case, that's more or less what he did, and Bahamut came to take all of us to Kushiyama. We needed to take her to Jesus, for surely Jesus would heal her.
JESUS
I was in Kushiyama, doing some healing and preaching. I was technically part of the Council now, but they were in recess. The mayor of Zuran had some muscle pain lately as a result of his large size and stature. I offered to help, but the Council felt like dependence in me might create some kind of conflict of interest so instead we were waiting until he recovered.
In the sky, I saw a large dragon flying towards us, so I decided to give a parable, "A man had a dragon, and kept it quite lovingly. There was a farmer who saw it, wanting it in order to make omelets for his entire extended family. But the man wouldn't sell the dragon's egg, not for any price. Another man was a religious leader. Once he saw the dragon hatch from the egg, he declared that its red color meant the times were ending, and demanded he get rid of it. But the man didn't believe in end times, and was not afraid. A king named Galbatorix had originally sought to possess it, but now that it was grown, he wanted to destroy it. The man gave everything he had to defend it from harm. The kingdom of Heaven is like this man, loving even though others covet, fear, or condemn. He who has ears, let him hear." At about the time that I finished the lesson, Bahamut landed right in front of me, "Having you been telling stories about me?" I grinned sheepishly, "Perhaps I have." The group dismounted Bahamut, but Ambrosia continued to sit on her, with a severely catatonic look on her face. As the Son of God, I immediately knew what was wrong with her. "You can help, right?" Azrael asked. I nodded, "Some. How did you get her on? That aura she has is dangerous." Nevras fished into his backpack, "I have these tongs for flipping large fish. She got a little ticklish when I grabbed her by the waist with this, but enough of her was with things that she cooperated." I grinned, "It's never a dull moment with you guys. Alright, let's take a look..." People knew about me walking on water, but the truth of matter was, I could walk on anything. Walls, lava, on air, and even the Void were perfect surfaces for my sandaled feet. I stepped in midair until my body was level with Bahamut's back, and I grabbed Ambrosia by the hand. She flinched, expecting her power to hurt me, but she calmed down when she saw that I did not fear.
I sighed, "This brings me back. I haven't done this since Adam." I transformed into a woman with deep red hair, because it wasn't appropriate for a male to touch a woman as I would soon. I reached one hand near her shoulder and the other near her midsection, and pulled, almost like breaking pieces out of a clay sculpture of a woman to make two of them. She screamed, and out of Ambrosia came another Ambrosia. Ambrosia had hair like a blue fern, an almost dyed looking intensity. This new Ambrosia had hair that shined almost like polished aquamarine, and radiant skin; she looked like Ambrosia, if Ambrosia had been a movie star. "Oh right," I said, "Last time, I put Adam to sleep. Oh well..." I yanked the second body out of her while she screamed and passed out. This version was what Ambrosia had called "Evil Ambrosia," she had deep purple tone to her hair like Tamashii. But it was time to give her a name, "Lucy, go and wake Ambrosia. You and ummm Sapphire will need to help her manage things from now on." Lucy answered, "Thank you for giving me a body and a name of my own. Now I can live my own life. I will do as you say, Jesus." She shook Ambrosia until she was jostled awake, "Okay, Mom, I'll get up... You! How do you have a body?"
Unlike Ambrosia's split when using the Tao, this actually pulled from the physical dimensions of her own body in order to make a new one. While Ambrosia had weighed 5'8" and weighed 139 lb with a cup size of D, this separation had altered her physical dimensions. Now she was 5'4" and weighed 108 lb with a cup size of B, having lost two inches and a cup size every time she was split. And so were the others. While their dress hung loosely, it still technically fit. It wasn't so kind on her stockings, but I touched them and healed them. Now they worked with that outfit.
I had the task of explaining to them what was going on. "You see, Ambrosia, Sapphire, and Lucy, all this time that you've been having those flashbacks, it was a side effect of something called time compression..." Lucy interrupted, "You mean like in Final Fantasy?" I shook my head, "More like the time compression in Final Fantasy VIII, where Rinoa and Squall get a vision of memories. The original Final Fantasy didn't really portray this effect well. In any case, yes your past and even your future are all messed up, but you had been stuck unable to really grasp the present for awhile. You should be able to manage now, though." The one that Jesus had called Sapphire raised her hand, "Ummm, so what did happen in the Universe Egg to Estheriel?" I tried my best to explain, "Well... It's like this. In one version, one of you killed Estheriel. But being unable to deal with that, two other realities were created. This isn't like a delusion, where you're kidding yourself, Estheriel was in fact saved in one reality. To make reality consistent, I saved Estheriel in the other two. But in one of these, the damage had already been done, and one of you wound up emotionally disturbed." At this point Lucy pressed me, "Quit beating around the bush. Which of us did what?" I confessed, "Well, it's like this..." Ambrosia cut me off, "It's me, right? I killed Estheriel." I tried to soften the blow, "Well, you didn't really kill him... But yes. Lucy walked away, and Sapphire healed him and became God." Ambrosia slumped over in a sitting fetal position, arms around knees. I didn't expect things to be easy, but dealing with these three was looking to be difficult. I remembered how easy things seemed in the past...
Back then, I was a mere child among many in Pangaea. The religions of the time were past idolatry and child sacrifice, and many of the religions we know of today existed. There were the Hindus, the Buddhists, the Shintos, the Jews, and the pagans. Most of the pagans were aligned with Babylon, but a few were based more on simple nature worship like the Druids. The world of Pangaea was united, and so I had the opportunity to talk to everyone. They thought I was a ninja because I could walk on water, but others thought I was a magician because I could do party tricks like turn water into wine. But gradually the things I could do grew less and less in line with simple tricks, and even thaumaturgy was unsuitable as an explanation, as I could work miracles freely. Thaumaturgy had a few set prayers that always seemed to work, and miracles had to be requested from God. Yet I seemed to be able to do miracles without asking anyone for help.
I was born of a virgin but it's not like Mary was anything more than human. I rejected notions of worship of Mary, and for that matter so did the real Mary. She knew she was a sinner, and there was nothing "immaculate" about her. Once she had me, she had about ten or twelve other children. I had come to this world, not to be worshiped or teach some sort of altruism, but for a specific mission. Two things, really. First, there was a great need to reform the religions of the world. Nearly all of them had become stuck in the trap of dividing people into moral categories of worthy/unworthy, clean/unclean, and good/evil. But I came to teach that such distinctions didn't exist that all were unclean, all were unworthy, and all had fallen short of goodness. Because of this, all had need for forgiveness. Second, I came to die for sins. Now many though that this required death on a cross. No. Simply by being alive and dying, I was God experiencing sin as a human. I had become part of humanity by living and dying. Death on a cross, or by hanging from a tree, as it actually had been back then meant that I became a curse for their sake, yes. But more importantly, I was like the serpent Moses lifted up, an example for them to understand that their sins were forgiven. Had I simply died normally, they would never have understood this.
Of course, not all religions accepted me evenly. Buddhism discovered about me (you can prove this by a story in Journey to the West that is very similar to Elijah's test against Baal, and by a Prodigal Son story in Buddhist literature), but they mostly rejected me. The Hindus hated me because I challenged their caste system. And the Jews didn't like my rejection of the notion that some people were inherently unclean. The Taoists did like me (mostly), which is why their teachings, like mine became known as the Way. Most of the time though, I argued with everyone.
