Another night, another nightmare. I woke up in a cold sweat, and immediately moved my hands to my hair, out of a fear that it would disappear forever if I let it go. At least it wasn’t anything worse. The wasp nightmare was much, much harder to forget. 

Thankfully, if I had shouted or worse in my sleep, it seemed Erica hadn’t heard me. She already worried about me too much, I didn’t need her losing even more sleep because of me. A quick glance at my phone told me that it wasn’t even six, yet— way too early. Whatever, it wasn’t like I was going to get more sleep.

I quietly moved from my room to the bathroom, towel in hand, only to be stopped by the mirror the moment I turned on the light. 

I knew there had been changes to my body. A month of weekly clinic visits guaranteed that much. The small beginnings of breasts were forming on my once flat chest, my skin felt so much softer, and what little facial hair I had was slowing, ever so slightly. But that paled in comparison to the face I saw in the mirror.

Instead of a painfully masculine face ruining my overall androgynous frame, the face staring back at me looked almost feminine. At just the right angles I could see a girl looking back at me, and every time I caught sight of her I couldn’t keep the massive smile off of my face. My nightmares quickly became a distant memory, replaced by a brand new sense of euphoria. I was a girl.

 I knew, on every level, that I already was one, of course. Someone’s ability to pass or willingness to medically transition didn’t determine whether or not they were valid. However, seeing me in the mirror, despite grappling with having just woken up, made me feel like myself in a way that I couldn’t put into any coherent thoughts.

If this was what it was like to look in the mirror after a month of medical transitioning, what would I look like at the end of my year? 

Positive thought propelled me forward, filling me with a rare surge of early morning energy that kept me going as I went through the motions of getting ready for the day. By the time I was done with the day’s preparations, I felt even better. I was quickly beginning to understand why some people enjoyed looking at themselves in the mirror. Sure, I still had plenty of flaws and features I wasn’t happy with, but I could get used to being able to go near mirrors without cringing.

As soon as I was finished getting ready, I headed back to my room. My stream setup was exactly where I left it, filling up the already cramped room. I felt a twinge of guilt at stopping without so much as a warning, but I had no idea how to come out, or if it would even be safe. Luna wasn’t the only person from home that followed my social media accounts, after all. Coming out on stream would inevitably cause people (well meaning or not) to out me in other places. 

And it wasn’t like I could just pretend that I was still the old me. If I noticed how different I looked, my appearance would probably be obvious to people who hadn’t seen me in almost two months. Even if I did still resemble that person, there was no way I was going to pretend to be them. I was misgendered enough by my ignorant university and family, I didn’t need more of that from my own streaming community.

I did end up sending a tweet confirming that I was alright, but I mentioned nothing else. As soon as I was done I logged out of the site, with no plans to return to it until I was ready to announce that I was trans to everyone. 

Another thought filled my mind as soon as I logged out: What was I going to change my username to? Chrisalis had my deadname in it, and that was unacceptable. There was no way I was keeping any semblance of my deadname in my life if I could help it. That was a one way ticket to constant pain. Just going by it in class every day hurt, and I could not wait for summer break when I could get all of that information cleaned up. 

The thoughts on a new username kept me going for the next couple of hours. I couldn’t help but smirk at the fact that it was taking me longer to find a new username than it did to find a new name. Those things really should have been reversed, but I was weird. Kara just felt right, which explained why I was so attached to it in every game where I could pick my account’s name. 

Eventually, I heard the sounds of Erica getting ready, and moved myself to the living room. She jumped as soon as she left the bathroom (already clothed, thankfully) and realized I was in the room. I gave her a smile and a half wave, before turning back to my notes. 

Erica left me alone for less than a minute before she returned from her room with one of her books in hand. I scooched over so she could sit next to me, and she moved to her regular spot on our couch. 

We said nothing to one another, we didn’t need to. We were both comfortable with simple silence, and were more than happy to just spend time in the presence of another person. Sometimes she’d ask what I was working on, sometimes I’d ask what she was reading, but usually we just existed. We had grown much more comfortable with the idea of just existing together over the past month.

I had just finished setting aside my fifth page of rejected names when Erica closed her book and finally spoke up, causing me to jump in surprise ever so slightly. “Aubrey’s gonna be here in a bit, by the way. She insists that we have to go to a theme park now that it’s starting to warm back up.” Erica almost sounded like she was complaining, but the slightest hint of a smile on her face was all the proof to the contrary I needed. Of course she was looking forward to quality time with her girlfriend. 

“Alright. Will you be back tonight, or are you staying somewhere over the weekend?” I tried hiding the twinge of disappointment in my voice at the last half of my sentence. Erica being around was something I was getting used to, whenever Luna was too busy to hang out, and I couldn’t stop myself from feeling at least a little lonely when both of them were gone.

Unfortunately, Erica only shrugged. That was the worst answer, because it meant I was just going to get my hopes up and be disappointed. I tried not to look upset, and instead let the silence between us linger until we went back to our normal state. 

I sent Luna a quick text, asking if she wanted to hang out. I had doubts that she’d say yes—midterms were coming up, and Luna wanted the best grades possible—but I had to try, at least. Maybe it was selfish of me, but being close to her was comforting. I knew she was just a knock on the door away, but going over there before she gave an answer felt like pressuring her, regardless of what she wanted. 

After an hour, I nearly jumped at the door as someone knocked. Luna hadn’t given a response yet, so I wasn’t surprised to see Aubrey standing in the doorway. Erica gave me a quick goodbye before taking her girlfriend’s hand in hers and leaving. I tried pushing down the feeling of loneliness rapidly taking over, but even diving back into my work couldn’t help me hide from how I felt.

I needed company. My parents, Mom especially, would call me weak for that, but it was true. I needed voices, people’s presences in my life. My stream community had been my main refuge ever since I started streaming, but without that in my life I didn’t have many people. Erica, Luna, and to a far lesser extent Aubrey were the only people I was comfortable enough with to enjoy spending time with.

At some point I completely gave up on picking out a new username. It obviously wasn’t coming to me anytime soon, so pouring even more time and energy into it was just counterproductive. Instead, I made myself a small plate of toast and eggs for breakfast, and did some studying for midterms. 

Statistics was still the bane of my existence, so that was where my focus went. The class was obnoxiously difficult, even with all of the homework for the semester done and the book read from cover to cover. It was just so hard to wrap my head around it. I was terrified that I might bomb my test so badly that all of the work I put into the class beforehand would be made null.

Thankfully, diving into studying was successful at keeping my mind off of my need for people. So successful, in fact, that I didn’t even think about Luna taking me up on my request until I heard her knock on my dorm room door. 

I almost tripped over myself running to open the door.

Standing on the other side was Luna, wearing jeans and a pullover hoodie. She looked like she had only recently gotten out of the shower and gotten ready. It looked like she was also struggling to keep her eyes open. Did she just wake up? That didn’t sound like her, but it was a Saturday. Maybe she was having an off day?

I didn’t have long to spend thinking about that, as Luna wrapped me in a hug almost a second after I opened my door. I felt my heart nearly jump out of my chest in surprise, and felt my face rapidly heating up. As soon as I recovered I reciprocated, and couldn’t stop the smile on my face from forming. Luna’s hugs always made me feel better.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” I whispered as we slowly let go of one another. I didn’t want to let go, but I didn’t like making hugs awkward by maintaining them for too long.

She yawned and rubbed her eyes in response. Before I could let her in, she walked past me and threw herself on my couch. What time did she go to bed, four in the morning? “Luna, when did you sleep? You’re never this cranky.” There was a hint of concern in my voice that I couldn’t hide as I asked. Was she also dealing with nightmares? She didn’t deserve that.

“Phiiiiix.” She mumbled into the side of the couch. That explained that, at least. It was barely half past ten in the morning. 

“And what were you doing up that late?” My hand had already moved to my face in defeat, because there was only one thing Luna would be doing that late on a Friday night. Or early on a Saturday morning, considering that was when I woke up.

She was quiet for a few seconds, as if trying to figure out how to respond. Eventually, the seconds turned into minutes of me waiting for her with a raised eyebrow. When she finally opened her mouth again, it was with the worst attempt at a snore I’d ever heard. On top of that, her snores were way softer than the noise she was attempting to make.

Instead of immediately getting onto her, I tried to slowly turn her around so she wasn’t facing the couch. It took a minute, but with her eventual help she was no longer more cushion than human. Once she was in a better position, I grabbed a blanket from my room and draped it over both of us as I took a seat beside her. 

“You need sleep, Luna. Staying up all night isn’t healthy.” I didn’t want to sound like I was lecturing her, but I couldn’t say nothing. Not that I had much room to talk, considering how many times my sleep was interrupted by one bad dream or another.

Luna shook her head with her eyes still closed. When she did speak up, she was barely mumbling loudly enough for me to hear. “Needed to study.”

Right. So this was definitely about the midterms. I slowly tried maneuvering my arm around her to pull her closer, to try and comfort her, but froze before I had moved too much. Was this okay? Was I going too far? We were friends, but was this what two girls who were friends did? Would I make her uncomfortable?

I was about to put my arm down and go back to my notes when Luna’s eyes opened. She took one look at my awkwardly raised arm and moved until she was snuggling up against me under our fuzzy blanket. I felt my face heat up at how close she was to me, and wouldn’t let myself move for fear of disturbing the beautiful girl next to me.

It didn’t take long for her soft snores to make an appearance, and I knew any chance I had to move was long gone. Not that I minded at all. She was soft, and warm, and felt more like home than anywhere or anyone else ever could. 

Lotus17

Thank y'all for reading! I hope you enjoyed, and the next chapter will be ready tomorrow!