I … I was in mortal peril!

Why, I could feel it like Coppelia’s elbow in the night! My princess senses were as keen as the ears of a fawn in a forest! And currently, the cracking of a twig came in the form of a receptionist from Reitzlake querying a barkeeper about the most prestigious guest he’d ever had the honour of disappointing!

Why?!

Why was she here?!

There wasn’t a moment’s doubt in my mind! I could recognise her like the carrot shavings the chefs treasonously hoped to pass as orange saffron in a salad which required neither! 

Except this time, the only thing being tossed through a window as a result was myself!

I was utterly aghast.

Here was the same woman who’d tracked me down to an inconspicuous inn in Aquina! Was she the vengeful poltergeist of some noblewoman I’d publicly slighted for a lack of embroidery on her slippers?! Nothing else I’d done warranted such devoted haunting of my every step!

Well, no matter! 

Answers were not important. Only a swift escape was! 

Others may view the unwrinkled uniform and see a harmless receptionist. But I saw a harbinger of darkness. A servant of misfortune. A messenger of despair. When I peered into the abyss, I saw no gaping chasm staring back. I saw a polite smile.

And for once, this was something which even Starlight Grace could not pierce.

But that’s fine!

As a princess, I’d spent my life escaping from the unremitting claws of my tutors. Not because I was poor at studying. No, not at all. I was a genius, my mind a swirling whirlpool of undiscovered trigonometry and bright flashing colours.

Instead, my frequent flights were in preparation for all the times I’d be required to flee from greater threats. From red dragons as they peered through my bedroom window. From my mother as she joined my tutors in thrusting broomsticks into every orifice of the Royal Villa. And from a guild receptionist as she sought to waylay even more of the innocence she’d already destroyed.

Well, not tonight!

Ohohohoho! 

I was Juliette Contzen! 3rd Princess to the Kingdom of Tirea! 

I’d defeated false kings, sword saints, holy sisters and common garden badgers! And while a receptionist was a hidden horror beyond any of them, I refused to contemplate meekly surrendering in the night!

Thus, I clutched at a wooden beam outside my inn room’s window, allowing myself to slide down as I made my gallant escape. As my soles touched the ground, I was joined by the sight of Coppelia hopping down beside me … as well as the stars glittering in her eyes as she awaited an explanation.

One which entirely spoke for itself.

After all, that receptionist possessed an aura of woe surpassing any black cloud upon the horizon. 

“Ooooh, I like this!” she said, her bright voice louder than any noon bell. “I don’t know what this is, but I like it! What did we rob, what is it worth and how are we going to split the proceeds?”

“Nothing was robbed. Only my future happiness should I remain where I am. She is here.”

“Oh, I understand now.”

“Really?”

“Nope. Who are we talking about?”

“The harbinger,” I said as I made for the stables, guided in the darkness by the smell of loose hay and sweaty horses overdue for a bath. “The guild receptionist who accosted us in Aquina. Her shadowed form once again stalks my every step.”

“Wow. I don’t remember her sounding so cool. The last time I saw her, she looked like a regular, squishy human.”

“Looks are deceiving. Indeed, just as Apple appears to be a steed capable of movement beyond trotting speed, this woman possesses both a hunter’s ingenuity and a hound’s persistence. You may need to carry me. Assume she’s an explosion. No, assume she’s two explosions.”

Coppelia only looked faintly bemused as we rounded the inn’s stables jutting out from the wall. 

It was just as well. Her good spirits would be highly useful when she was required to sacrifice herself so I could escape.

“Out of curiosity, why do you think she’s following you? Maybe she’s just, you know, doing her own thing.”

“Perhaps she is. In which case, there will be ample time to consider her purpose when we’re far enough away that the wreath of bad news she wears can no longer be seen. Now come. If we depart now, we should be able to–hieeeee?!?!”

“Good evening,” said the receptionist, her polite smile gleaming beneath the shadow of the stable’s entrance. “I apologise for the disturbance. If possible, I was wondering if I may have a moment of your time?”

“You may not! Why are … how do you do that?! There’s no possible way you should have known I’d be here! With what highly suspect magic do you appear like my great-grandfather’s spirit when he’s bored and wants to frighten the new hires?!”

Standing no differently than when she accosted me from behind a desk, she lifted a hand to her lips, before offering a faint, innocent laugh.

I was appalled.

“E-Excuse me! That is not an answer! Only I’m allowed to laugh as my all-encompassing response! I demand to know what illegal method you’re using to track my whereabouts!”

“Legality is of utmost importance to the Adventurer’s Guild. Rest assured that I would never commit any crime which is traceable.”

She gave an impenetrable smile against the sight of my widening mouth.

This … This woman’s candour!

Why, she boasted the smile of a trained maid, and yet possessed the heart of an unfeeling assassin! 

For what reason she worked as a receptionist and not a hired killer was beyond me.

There were many disreputable courts around the world which would gladly employ such a promising henchman, wielding professionalism, magic and utter blaséness to the inconvenience of her victims as her weapons!

… Once I’d escaped from her, I’d begin making inquiries at once!

“I see you’ve gone to great effort to trace me. However, I’m actually exceptionally busy right now. Indeed, even in the midst of night, I’ve little time to tarry. Rodents seek ever to consume this kingdom from within, and each moment I spend not tidying the countryside of the vermin which plague it is another moment for the creatures to breed.”

“I understand. However, this will not take much of your time. I’m here regarding your B-rank trials.”

Immediately, I crossed my arms in the shape of a giant ‘X’, halting her in the midst of her killing blow.

Then, I closed my eyes and began massaging my temples. 

Only after 10, no, 15 … 20 … 30 seconds had passed did I permit the sight of the receptionist’s patient smile to disturb my vision once again.

“... Assume I have utterly no knowledge of what highly concerning words you just said. What is this about B-rank trials? Specifically, what is this about B-rank trials which I’ve already explicitly been told requires a passing a wall of beautiful bureaucracy to even be realised?” 

“Certainly! The B-rank trials are the formal assessment process through which C-rank adventures are considered for advancement into the senior ranks of the guild. A recent convocation of guildmasters in Reitzlake has confirmed your eligibility owing to your current rank and recent exploits.”

I threw my arms up in exasperation.

“A convocation of guildmasters?! Should they not be busy harassing officials for state secrets or luring cats away from trees?!”

“The matter of the rescued cat quota was also on the agenda, yes.”

I turned to Coppelia for assistance. She was busy clasping her hands to her mouth, failing as a dribble of muffled laughter leaked from her lips.

“Very well,” I said, returning to the receptionist as I saw that my loyal handmaiden was mysteriously absent. “Then I’m afraid they’ve wasted more of their time. An exemplary feat considering how efficient they already are at it. While neither my beauty nor my feats can be denied, I wholly reject any offer of undertaking these B-rank trials. As I said, I’m exceptionally busy.”

That’s right!

There was nothing to fear! My dignity could still be preserved!

It mattered not whether they wished me to trudge through a swamp, befriend a ferret, find somebody’s missing lunch or whatever inane tasks their trials consisted of! 

So long as I refused to participate in whatever charade they hoped, I could never be promoted! 

In fact, I’d prefer to be demoted! 

Albeit … maybe not to F-rank. That’s just embarrassing. 

But … But E-rank was fine! I could live with that! … Barely!

“That’s very modest of you,” said the receptionist, her misplaced smile almost appearing genuine. “However, I’m delighted to say that while the concerns regarding the use of your time are very warranted, the Adventurer’s Guild also takes this into account. The B-rank trials are simply a formal assessment of your individual abilities and conformity to the guild code as you conduct your regular tasks. As such, those selected are never informed about the assessment until it’s concluded.”

For a moment, it was all I could do to mouth silently at her.

“Have … Have you been following me?”

“Not at all. I’ve been formally assessing you.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?!”

“There’s a legal distinction.”

I clicked my tongue. The judge I’ll bribe will have a different opinion of that.

Even so, it was best I put a stop to this immediately. It was time for emergency guile!

Immediately, my genius brain locked heads with my years of experience in courtly intrigue to conjure an infallible explanation which could divulge myself of all responsibility.

Then, I pointed roughly to the side.

“It wasn’t me.”

“Excuse me?”

Ohhohohohoho!

Here it was!

The three rules of survival as royalty in action yet again!

Rule 1: Deny everything!

Rule 2: Deny everything!

Rule 3: Deny everything!

So long as I refuted having any knowledge of events, I was untouchable! There was simply no possibility this mere receptionist was close enough to any of the night’s destruction that she could say with complete confidence I bore any responsibility.

“Whatever wanton destruction of property you may have witnessed in the distance, it wasn’t me. I wholly separate myself from any suggestion that I’m in any way responsible for irreversible damage to any sites of cultural heritage or historical significance.”

“Oh, are you referring to the protected ancient elven ruins? I happened to be in close attendance during its destruction.”

The receptionist conjured a scroll of parchment with a flick of her hand. 

I pursed my lips as I wondered how flammable it was.

“It was quite the display,” she said, her eyes scanning whatever dark words were inked down. “And also a necessary means for quelling an archdruid threatening widespread calamity. One of many issues resolved despite the lack of a guild commission. An admirable display of altruism. Since your exploits in Stermondt, I’ve identified a trade route cleansed of botanical monsters, the opening of a new business venture by a hill giant and the gainful employment of a nymph, the successful escorting of a pixie, the rehabilitation of elves through community litter picking, the release of an oathbound spirit, and finally the defeat of an archdruid shapeshifted into a wyvern.”

The receptionist looked up from her scroll of parchment.

“With this, I can confirm–”

“Wait!”

For the first time in living memory, I shielded the copper ring dirtying my slender finger. The only source of muddy colour standing between the looming shadow and me.

“I … I know how this works! You cannot promote me without this ring!”

All I received was a polite smile. 

One as telling as it was calamitous to my continued dignity.

“There’s no need for concern. I didn’t forget. Although I wrote your assessment, I regret that I lack the authority to determine whether you’ve met the stringent requirements for promotion to B-rank. That’s the responsibility of the most senior guildmaster of the region.”

A tiny wellspring of hope lit up within me.

“So … So there’s a possibility my magnificent exploits will be buried beneath the weight of bureaucracy, political in-fighting and jealous rivalries as guildmasters seek to consolidate their own power?”

“While I cannot deny such things have historical precedence, the most senior guildmaster in the Kingdom of Tirea is Timon Quinsley. As he’s also your registered branch guildmaster as of our previous meeting in Aquina, you can rest assured that he’ll only view my assessment without the lens of considerations towards rivalries.”

I was horrified.

What was this?!

Nepotism was meant to work for me! Not against me!

“E-Even so! Reitzlake is far away! And the highly flammable parchment that you–”

“It’s immune to fire.”

“And the highly soluble parchment–”

“It’s immune to water.”

“And the highly corrodible parchment–”

“It’s immune to acid.”

I pursed my lips, my hands twitching beside me as the final resort flickered across my mind.

Yes … the snorting horse appearing behind the receptionist’s shoulder, his gaze clearly puzzled as he viewed the late commotion with rare curiosity!

My noble steed! My valiant companion! My knight’s charger!

I knew he’d not betray me! 

Indeed, use the unspoken bond between horse and rider to see out my wishes! Set forth the hounds of gluttony! Do not fail in this sacred task!

Apple slowly, slowly, very slowly, turned to the scroll of parchment hovering before his jaws.

And then–

To my unmitigated horror, a flicker of emotion disturbed the polite smile on the receptionist’s face. 

With a twirl of her finger, she swivelled the scroll of parchment around.

What I saw were words unending. A mass of scribbles written in the handwriting of one who wished to make reading as cumbersome as the first ever written piece of poetry I’d created, which my father still insisted on keeping framed in impervious, hammer-proof glass on the wall!

And yet at the bottom of all that … was a signature being written with an invisible quill, beneath a single word in block capital letters.

 

APPROVED–

Timon Quinsley, Senior Guildmaster of the Kingdom of Tirea.

 

All I saw was darkness as my palms covered my face.

Somewhere, I heard a sales pitch masquerading as useful advice concerning a guild store I had no intention of visiting, the rabid laughter of a clockwork doll as she rolled around on the loose bits of hay creeping out from the stables, and the snorting of a horse who could now only slowly ferry me away.

I should have covered my ears instead.