~~~ 6 Months Later ~~~

 

It was late afternoon, but the sun wasn’t visible through a sky which was filled with thick black storm clouds. The rain was unending, a flood drowning all the plants, turning roads into rivers, and rivers into lakes. It had been pouring it down ever since I had woken up on a Selician beach, broken wood surrounding me, without a single break. It was crying the tears I had run out of. I had no clue where I was- The wood looked like the remains of a coffin, but really, figuring out what had happened to me was the furthest thought from my mind. For I had one objective- Find Ayano. So I got up, and started shambling across the country. I travelled and travelled, and as I did, I deserved every drop of water that harshly crashed against my fragile body, punishing me for those decisions I shouldn’t have made. I deserved the wind blowing against me, as though begging me to turn back in the other direction and do literally anything else with my life. But I persevered. I made it to the manor.

When I did, I returned to find that everyone was on edge the moment they noticed my presence. Ayano had appointed mages to guard the manor in my absence, she was probably free to do so because Zeer was no longer a threat. Two of them were preparing spells, and about twenty gunmen aimed at me from every angle as I walked onto the manor grounds, wearing nothing but rags. I had walked for miles and miles, days without rest or sleep, shuffling back to this precious place. But what was I expecting to find here? I had offered Ayano my entire world and she had turned it down, and… At the end of it all, I finally saw sense, and agreed with the arguments she made as to why. But even if we couldn’t live a perfect life together… I still *needed* her. I knew of no other life besides a reality that had her in it.

 

She stood out front, a body guard mage with a pale blue magic shield erected in front of her. I remember the days when she walked up to me without fear, even knowing what I was. Now she felt like she needed all these defences at just the sight of my pathetic self.

 

Neither of us were going to say the first word. So I did the only thing I could do. I drew a knife I had found days ago, and raised my arms into the air, slowly, making sure they could follow my every movement. I slit my wrist. A few bullets whizzed past me, missing. Possibly warning shots, possibly intending to kill. But they stopped when they saw the blood trickling out of me.

 

Red. Human. Normal. As I let the blood flow out of me, my tired, starving body felt the last of its strength vanish, and I collapsed to the ground, motionless. Ayano walked over to me. Still cautious. Still hiding behind a mage, her hand on the hilt of her sword.

 

“My blood is dormant. Have your mages and doctors take a look over me- My heart, it… It won’t wake up. Ever again. Ayano… I… Wanna be… A maid again… Just… A… Maid… Not a handmaiden… Just…”

 

Her expression didn’t move as I slowly found myself bleeding out on the floor, the rain washing away the blood into a watery, muddy red mess, like diarrhoea mixed with blood. Wallowing in shit, just the way I had spent most of my life.

 

“Bring her in. Examine her body. If she’s lying, I want her killed- If not, escort her to my office.”

 

“Thank… You…” I muttered.

 

After the things I did, I was happy that she was even considering sheltering me. She might even hire me again, just like I wanted… I was happy at the prospect, but I tempered my expectations. She might be showing me mercy now, but that didn’t mean that she wanted me in her life. It was difficult to feel good when my expectations were low. It was even harder when it felt like my heart, once so bursting with joyful naivety, struggled to produce even the mildest of emotional responses. I missed it. I missed those days so much. I wanted my heart to wake up so that I could be *me* again, but it just wasn’t. Ayano had taken it, and even if she gave it back, and I’m not even sure how she would return it anyway, it wouldn’t be the same anymore.

I was picked up and laid down on a stretcher, as I could barely walk now. As I was carried away a mage hastily closed the cut using magic, and I was taken into the manor.

 

~~~

 

I learned that nearly everyone had lost their memory of what happened, most only having indistinct recollections of vivid, happy dreams. However, those who had been closest to me, those at the manor, still had a vague recollection of what had happened. And they knew that it had been my fault. In addition, whilst the official story was that Ayano had defeated the Monstra with an annihilation sphere, she made the truth known to a select few members of the Selician elite, as a highly classified piece of information. But it was information that was also shared with my friends here at the manor- Since they had some memories anyway, the truth was explained to them so that they would fully understand what had happened, and to make sure they would keep it secret.

 

Ayano was the only person with a perfect recollection of events, but via advanced science and mana study that I wasn’t able to understand, she was able to prove that thousands of years had passed on Terrestia seemingly in an instant. This, combined with the testimonies of my friends and the phenomenon of everyone experiencing 'pleasant dreams' at the same time backed up her story. Besides, everyone knew that an annihilation sphere alone couldn’t have defeated the Monstra, especially since they had recently turned so aggressive so as to attack Zeer, so everyone had been suspicious of her story to begin with.

 

As for Zeer, I apparently hadn’t returned it to a state prior to my attack on it. Frankly, I don’t remember reverting the world back to the way it had been prior to eating it. It’s what I would have done, but I simply don’t remember much of anything between Ayano flicking me in the head and me waking up on the beach. I felt a bit bad for the country, because even though I had made sure not to kill any civilians… I had still left a lot of Monstra gunk all over the country. Not to mention, their mages, scholars, and military were still people with hopes and dreams and love in their hearts. They were just as innocent as any civilian. At the very least, more innocent than me. As was Hiljosky, to be honest. A man who was still dead. In any case, the Monstra ooze was inert now, merely just sludge, no blood animating it whatsoever. It still made people sick, however, and the clean up was feeling borderline impossible, especially with the collapse of their government and military. The Selicians were doing what they could to help out, but, even Ayano couldn’t prevent it from being total anarchy over there. Grisia may be just as gunked up, but at least the country had already been completely evacuated. Nothing remained there. But because Zeer was still technically liveable, other countries weren’t accepting refugees freely.

 

Priscilla was still in hospital and was set to be released next month. Much time had been spent undoing the programming that had been implanted in her. It was taking a long time, but, with no more Zeerians to reinforce the commands, there would be no issues in eliminating her indoctrination in the long term. Ayano was surprisingly lenient on her, considering that Priscilla had tried to take her life, but it was easy to understand that she didn’t have full control over her actions because of her programming. She was to be jailed in the capital, but she would be allowed to leave semi-frequently, and would even be allowed out on parole and released entirely in a few decades if she displayed good behaviour. I was glad she was okay, even though I still didn’t really want to see her. Not just because I felt guilty for hurting her, but… Also because I still hated the fact that we slept together. Zeerian programming didn’t excuse what she did there.

 

As for what was going on with me, well, I had died. Ayano had had my body checked many times to ensure that I was truly dead, and after confirmation of my death I had been sent out to sea in a coffin. That I had washed up ashore and had somehow made it back here made no sense to anyone, least of all me, but they eventually believed that I wasn’t lying about secretly using some Monstra powers to make it here. I have no doubt that my nature as the Monstra played a role in my resurrection, but if it did I had no intention behind it. The results of the many tests they conducted on me confirmed that I was telling the truth about my blood being dormant. So I was allowed to see Ayano. I sat in the chair opposite hers, a blanket slung over my shoulders, a warm bowl of Hugo’s chicken soup in my hands. I slowly sipped it, gazing listlessly at my reflection in the broth.

 

“You came all this way to see me again? After that? You nearly assimilated our sun and you managed to reshape the nature of reality for thousands of years, and you’re shambling back here to be a maid again? Lilly, you’re insane. Deranged. As much as you keep saying that this is about me, it clearly isn’t.” Ayano spoke up, tapping her fingers on the table, refusing to look in my direction, clearly exasperated to be seeing me again.

 

“... It is all about you. That’s all it is. But… Listen, I know that… You’re not going to return my feelings. I don’t deserve your feelings. Even though I still feel the same way about you… As much as I can do, anyway… I just… Wanna be your maid…”

 

“As much as you can do?”

 

“As I said, dormant blood. I barely feel like me anymore. The Monstra side of me is gone. My feelings are crushed. My acceptance has crystallised. It’s not coming back. The old Lilly isn’t coming back. I can’t pursue you the way I once did… I can’t use my powers to force myself on you or try to fight your enemies and impress you or trap you in a dream world or anything like that, I’m just… A human. A human who is dead inside. Who knows of no other life besides serving you. I was happy here. I still care about you. You as a person are more important than my feelings. I’ll cook and clean and do whatever you ask. You don’t need to give me special treatment. I won’t be your handmaiden anymore. Pick someone else or whatever. But I’m not going to survive in a world where I know what I did to its people. Even if society at large doesn’t know what I did… I just… I just can’t… So, please, give me my life back, in its most barebones form. If you can't do that for me, then… I suppose execution is a fitting punishment for my crimes."

 

“... No matter what you've done, I can't bring myself to kill you. So I'll entertain the idea of hiring you. If I do, will you learn to get over me? To get over this obsession of yours? That you say that I am more important than your feelings hurts me to no end, Lilly. I want you to care about yourself. To live for yourself and others who care about you, not just for me. If you truly, honestly, actually care about me, then you’ll try to find a way to love yourself, by yourself. Can you do that for me?”

 

“... I dunno. But with time, that’s what I’ll try to do. Even if my feelings don’t change, there’s nothing I can do anyway-”

 

“Lilly, it’s… Never been about what you can and can’t do. Given that you just tried to absorb the entire world into yourself and trap me inside your fantasies for the rest of eternity, it might be difficult for you to believe that out of my mouth. I know I hit you with the full force of a supernova. To say it was intense and dramatic was a gross understatement. But ever since we first met, the way I’ve treated you, interpersonally, has never had anything to do with your nature as a Monstra. Even if I wanted you for the purposes of defeating the Monstra, or political benefits, or even just to prevent you from running wild, I… What we had, those feelings we shared… You being a Monstra had no weight on that. I had to put on a show out there for everyone. And I admit, I was a little afraid of you, but… I’m mostly afraid for your wellbeing. Especially now. I want you to be happy. When I woke up in this reality, you were dead in my arms, and I was devastated. Because I rebelled against you back then to save you, not to kill you. So in truth, I’m overjoyed that you’re somehow alive and here now. It’s even better that the Monstra seems to be completely gone. So I don’t want your blood to awaken, but I want you to remember all the feelings it used to give you. You’re an amazing woman. Strong, dependable, kind, beautiful, intelligent, and so, so full of love- I’ve always, always wanted you to find someone more deserving of you than me. Someone who will truly and earnestly give you their everything, the way you give all of yourself to someone. I’m not afraid of what you’ll do to me, Lilly. Especially if the Monstra side of you is truly gone. Right now, I’m afraid of what you’ll do to yourself.”

 

“So… Even after all I did… You still want to paint me as a victim of your circumstances, right?”

 

“... I’m not sure what you mean, Lilly.”

 

I dismissively snorted. This was ridiculous. Did she not know what she was doing, or was she lying, even now?

 

“... Even if you weren’t Queen, even if there was no trauma or relationship baggage in your past, and even if I wasn’t a Monstra and hadn’t done anything wrong… The truth is… That you wouldn’t want to be with me anyway. Why not just admit that I’m not your type?'

 

“Of course you are… Why do you think we even began a relationship in the first place? I… I just know that I can’t be the person for you, even though I wish I could be-”

 

“I fell in love with you as you are, flaws and all,” I interrupted, “Not somebody else. But there is something I don’t love about you. In fact, I hate it, and it’s what you’re doing right now. You’re trying to pretend that I’m not too much. Because… Because I know… The real reason why I’m so servile… Why I’m always just a ring away, always available, always ready to serve, why I would do anything for you and why I need to *remind* you that I would do anything for you. It’s because… The more I do for you… The more debt I think you’ll be in with me. You won’t be able to abandon me so easily if you know I’ve done so much for you. In the dream… I always knew that, no matter where you went, no matter how much time you spent with other people, that you would wind up back at the cottage. I thought it was because you loved me, but, no, it’s not quite like that. It’s because you feel like you’ll always owe me. And I want you to owe me. Because… I believe that for so long as you do… You’ll never want to be rid of me. But the burden of that debt becomes too much. I remind you of it constantly, waving it in your face, calling it love. The strings of my love become the chains of your imprisonment. It’s funny, isn’t it? I… I always told myself I wanted to be your slave, but… Even before the dream, perhaps you ended up with less freedom than me at the end of the day. That lack of freedom terrifies you. As a result, my obsession, deep down, disgusts you."

 

Ayano’s eyes turned cold. She was silent. She leaned forward and looked straight into my eyes.

 

“... Your point, Lilly?”

 

“Just… Admit that… Being a Queen would let you feel more free… Than being with me… Admit that freedom is all you ever cared about… Admit that all your excuses are just you trying to mollycoddle me, to make me feel better… Even though we both know that my own overbearing behaviour is what led us to this point.”

 

“It’s true that I care about freedom. That’s why I put an end to the dream. But you’re mistaken if you think you’re the only one at fault. I still love you, and part of the reason I do is that I respect the way you devote yourself wholeheartedly to someone. It’s a trait I wish I had.”

 

“... You love me so long as I expect nothing. So long as my devotion is blind.”

 

“That’s not true at all.”

 

“Ayano… Please, just stop. It would be easier on me if you stopped lying.”

 

“... I won't lie to you, Lilly. From the very beginning, you were indeed a bit of a nuisance to me. It felt like you didn't see me for who I am. In your affections, I felt objectified. That first night we spent in my room… I changed my tune precisely because I felt like we couldn't have a real emotional connection, so I tried to give you want you want by masking that lack of connection with physical affection. After that, I kept it going, fearing what you might do if your fantasies were shattered… But then, we did begin to connect, and I did begin to enjoy being around you. When you told me about Gloria, however, I realised that I was in a very similar position to her. The slave contract was broken, and, if I didn't keep you happy, there was no telling what you might do. In truth, I… May have lied when I said your nature as a Monstra had no bearing on anything. Because, even though I began to trust you, a part of me couldn't bear the pressure. I couldn't bear the weight of your power, and, more than that… I couldn't bear the weight of your expectations. That's… That's why I broke up with you back then. And that's why I can't be with you now, even though the Monstra side of you is gone. Because I can sense it, even now. That weight is still there… In fact, despite what you’re saying, I believe that your feelings are stronger than ever. I don’t believe you when you say that you ‘just’ want to be my maid. But… Lilly, you must understand that I'm simply not strong enough to be who you need."

 

“... I know you're strong. Stronger than me, in every sense. That's a big part of why I love and admire you. So don't try to bullshit me. You're not too weak for me… I just disgust you.”

 

"Disgust is a strong word, Lilly. But… Perhaps you're right. After all you've put me through… I just don't feel like there would be any peace between us were we to resume our relationship. We lived thousands of years in the dream, and it was wonderful. I was very happy, and that's why it was a struggle to even want to leave. But you manipulated my memories, trapped me, robbed me of the struggle that makes me and everyone else human. After that… I've had my fill of you. Right now, I just want to be free to be me. Because I still have feelings for you, you're probably right that maybe I've been trying to take too much of the blame. But… The truth is, even before you attacked Zeer, I've always felt, right from the beginning, that this wasn't going to work out. So… I'm deeply sorry for stringing you along. I've explained myself as best I'm able as to why I did that, but… I understand if you can't forgive me."

 

"... I can. I can forgive you."

 

"You shouldn't. You need to value yourself more."

 

We were both silent for a moment, looking into each other's eyes. But I couldn't keep staring for long. I was the first to look away, returning my attention to the soup.

 

“... Do you miss that reality?”

“... Yes. But being there taught me something important. It taught me that reality needs consequences to be meaningful. That the only reality worth living in is one where everything is allowed to end. So that new things may be born.”

 

“... It’s funny… We never did have children, did we? Even though we were so excited about it…”

 

“It’s just as well. If they had been born in a place like that, they wouldn’t have been able to handle being brought into a world like this.”

 

“Mmm…” I chuckled, “Perhaps not.”

“In fact, were you able to bring any children born there into this world?”

“... As far as I know… No. And I’m not sure if children born in such a place would have been truly human to begin with.”

“... I see. Well… As I said, that’s probably for the best.”

 

I sighed. It was still so nice, talking to her. I wanted to say more, even though I was probably beginning to poke at her patience now… Even if they weren’t happy topics, I just wanted to extract more and more time out of her… But… I had run out of things to say. This talk needed to come to a close. A pang of despair tugged at my heart, the last vestiges of my hope fading away as I came to the realisation that it was all finished. For good.

 

"... So. We're over," I said.

 

"Yes."

 

I sighed deeply and placed the soup down on the desk, quietly shivering. I suddenly didn't have an appetite anymore.

 

"... When do I start?"

 

"You still want to be a maid here?"

 

"Yeah. I just need time to figure out what I wanna do with my life whilst saving up money."

 

 "... I still don’t really believe you, but at least you’re not capable of forcing yourself upon me anymore. And we can monitor you to ensure you’re not a danger to yourself or others. Whilst I think you are still hoping for something to come of us, your excuses for wanting to work here again do, admittedly, have solid reasoning. At least in the sense that I do think you’ll need a bit of time to regain your sense of self again… So fair enough, I suppose. I do not intend to keep you here long term, but I will help you to get back on your feet. So… I suppose you can start next week. I am not going to employ you as my handmaiden, but your room is still as it was. It’s still yours. Rest there for the next couple of days… You’re clearly in awful shape. You need to regain your strength before you can work again. I’ll need to sort out some documents and… Wow, there’s a lot I’m going to have to do… How do I revoke your death certificate and explain to the nobles that I’m not employing a zombie…?”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be, Lilly. I care about you. I always have.”

 

“Hmph…”

 

“Another thing, Lilly.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re getting therapy.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“And one more thing…”

 

“I’m listening.”

 

“I’m really glad you’re back. Despite everything, I missed you.”

 

“... I see.”

 

“From now on, Lilly… I want you to live a good life. A real one. Don’t waste it, okay?”

 

“I’ll give it my best shot.”

 

“So long as you do your best, that’s all I can ask for.”

 

I wasn’t confident that my best would be good enough.

 

~~~

 

And so, life returned to normal. Months went by, I had twice weekly therapy sessions that wore off in effectiveness over time. I cooked and cleaned. I socialised. Once I was cleared to head into town I spent cash on cafes and art and music and tiny little ornaments and cute clothes just to make myself feel a little better, just to justify the visit. And also because I didn’t really want to save money. I didn’t want to save up money to buy a house in Belfort or wherever else and then have no reason to stay working at the manor. So I continued to spend and spend, and I would even bring back some cakes for Ayano and the other servants sometimes. Hugo was a great baker, but nobody could make cakes quite like Granny Belfort.

 

I did actually reconnect with my friends, too, such as Beth, Lizzy, and Hugo. A few people were upset at me, Hugo in particular said that he ‘felt dirty’ once he’d been told exactly what happened, and didn’t let me into the kitchen for a month. Others forgave me. Others still missed the dream, and thanked me for trying to create a world where they could experience it, even as their memories of it had begun to fade the way dreams do, they still remembered the joy they felt. Beth was one of those people, even though she struggled to admit it. I felt bad for her. She had a dream much like mine, living peacefully alongside a lover who… Had looked just like me. It was only now that I realised how often I had created fictional ‘characters’ just to fulfil some people’s fantasies, rather than trying to encourage real people to talk to each other in the dream. So many people in there were off in their own little world, and I was so focused on making the environment a perfect place for Ayano that it hadn’t even crossed my mind how awful it was that so many people had spent so much time with these fantasies, these people who were little more than imaginary friends. 

 

I began to see Beth differently from that point forward. I thought about her hot and cold attitude, the way she berated me whilst also agreeing to help me with chores, the way she turned red whenever I entered the room. I had always thought that she had been *angry* to see me, but that was far from the truth. Which shouldn’t be a shock to me, considering she had already confessed to me, but somehow it was. Indeed, Beth had feelings for me, feelings that she wasn’t confident enough to openly express again, and feelings that I wasn’t returning. But I didn’t have any special interest in her, and… Knowing that made my stomach churn. Was my own obsession with Ayano causing someone else to suffer the same way I was? I wish I could just… Change my own desires and give her what she wants. But I couldn’t. Did Ayano feel this way about me? Was I in her shoes regarding Beth? It broke my mind, and it made me cry a lot when I had moments alone.

 

Overtime, even those who hated me came to forgive or tolerate me. When Hugo finally let me cook again, it was obvious that I had dramatically improved thanks to all the practice I had had in the dream. My skills were at a level to where there were some nights where I told Hugo that he deserved the night off, and that I would handle the kitchen. He had grown to respect and trust me enough that he actually *let* me do that, too, and it made me happy to see him at the dining table, able to relax and converse with others.

 

Life was good. In some respects, it was better. But my smiles were lies. Anytime I wasn’t distracted with socialising or work, I was in my room, barely functioning. I could have an amicable conversation with someone one minute, even Ayano herself, and then go right back to laying catatonic on my bed, sinking ever deeper into despair.

 

Four months passed like this. It was spring again. Although the sun wasn’t shining the way it had been last year. It was grey everyday. Life was supposed to be getting better. However I had to face the facts. I was feeling awful, and I wasn’t getting better. In fact, the more money I made and the more popular I became, the worse I seemed to get. I couldn’t bear to be alone, and yet I couldn’t bear to pursue intimacy. Even as I became friendlier with Ayano, even as she started to trust me enough that we began to hang out, watch and discuss movies, laugh and make jokes, I couldn’t help but feel that I was being taunted by her kindness, beauty, and intellect. I felt further away from her than ever. As my depression grew I found myself valuing her friendship less and less. I valued all my friendships less. I valued myself less. All of reality was turning into meaningless sludge.

 

Did I really love her? Or was my brain throwing a tantrum, sinking me into despair simply because it didn’t get what it wanted? Was Ayano as a person really that special, or was she only special because she rejected me? I was used to a reality where I had the power to take whatever I want whenever I wanted it. A reality where I could destroy countries and reshape reality at a whim. And I knew, deep within me, that if I was brutally honest with myself, that perhaps the only reason my blood had gone dormant was because it had found the one thing it couldn’t purchase through sheer force of strength and will. Ayano had made it very clear why she couldn’t be with me, and I couldn’t even disagree with her. She was right, I should be moving on. It was clear that a relationship with Ayano wasn’t going to work out. But I didn’t care. I knew all that, and I still wanted her and nothing but her anyway. Maybe knowing that she didn’t hate me made my heart cling to the hope that we might get back together again.

 

I was just a spoiled brat. But knowing that didn't change how I felt. Was I being too hard on myself? Maybe my love was more pure than I thought it was. But I had done terrible enough things that I couldn’t believe in my own purity. Even if others forgave me, even if all anyone wanted was for me to love myself, surely I had not put in enough work to *truly* repent, had I? But was it right to think that way? Was Ayano and the universe withholding love from me, or was I withholding it from myself? Maybe I would be happier if I focused on the little things, the life right in front of me in the present rather than worrying about something grand and romantic and incredible that would be unattainable even if Ayano did want to be in a relationship with me. I would certainly be happier. People in my immediate vicinity would certainly be happier. Maybe a good world is spawned from contentment rather than from ambition.

 

God did I fucking love her, though. Lord did I need her.

 

… And it was one night, as I returned to my room, that I saw a painting I had long been ignoring. The painting depicting the lake on the estate, the one that hung right next to my door.

 

And I felt my blood stir. It was surprising, alien in its familiarity. It was reacting to the painting. The lake! I felt a rush of excitement. I was feeling something again! I looked out the window. It was dark, but I could see the stars in the sky. The clouds had cleared. I knew what I had to do. I changed into some casual clothes, and decided to head out on a late night excursion towards the lake.

 

~~~

 

I was power walking the way there, chewing down a sandwich. My blood writhed about with happiness, becoming more excitable the closer I got, spurring me on my journey. Was I going to find Ayano here? Were we going to rekindle our lost flame under the stars? My imagination ran wild as I practically began running towards the lake, running towards destiny, and-

 

Nobody was there. It was just a lake.

 

But it was a beautiful lake. The surface was still like glass, reflecting the stars above as though a piece of the sky had landed on the ground. I gazed into it. I saw my reflection, there amongst the stars. And I realised something. I realised it as my blood boiled, suddenly falling from my eyes as tears, the purple ichor running harmlessly down my cheeks. I belonged there. I belonged with the stars. With the stars, I would find love. My blood was pulling me towards the edge of the water. It was warm. It was inviting. The water wouldn’t be ice cold. I could swim in it. I could sink into it, I-

 

I could drown in it.

 

Just like Julia.

 

I collapsed to my knees and clutched my face, my tears falling through the gaps in my fingers. I could drown in it. I *wanted* to drown in it. The thought was so romantic, sinking into a lake, sinking into the sky, sinking into the universe itself, finally, truly becoming one with it. All the love I could ever want was up there, down at the very bottom of that lake. The thought of water entering through my mouth endlessly, filling my lungs, choking the air out of me and slowly killing me… That had always been a terrifying thought to me. But now I realised what I had been missing. I realised the happiness that could await me if I just let death penetrate my very being. It was like a dick. Forcing itself down my throat, entering into my every orifice. It was my decision, purely a matter of my own perception, if the dick of death felt like rape, or the deepest love this world could offer me. Perhaps Ayano had been right about the fact that a properly ordered reality needed death. Perhaps she mattered so much to me that if our relationship were to die, then I should die too.

 

It was selfish. It was disgusting, dying in the same lake that Ayano’s first lover had died in in another world. It was possibly the worst way to go, the way that would maximise Ayano’s pain. But… But there was something so poetic about it, too.

 

My blood knew that. That’s why it had taken me here. It would no longer awaken for love, but it would awaken for death. It was fate. The lake had always been waiting for me, waiting for anyone with a broken enough heart, waiting for the inevitable moment that they would seek its embrace. Someone was always going to break my heart, and I was always going to be incapable of handling it. This moment had been the only ending possible for me since my birth, as much as I had tried to fantasise otherwise. Because even if I had been born human, I would still be a wretched, desperate creature. I tried to talk myself out of it. I thought of how selfish I was. About how many people would be sad. About how upset they would be if I regained everyone’s trust and then ended it all so soon afterwards. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk myself out of it.

 

I thought about the fact that the only reason Ayano wants me alive and happy is so that she can feel better about her decision to reject me. The only reason anyone wants anyone else to keep on living is so that they themselves can justify their own daily decision to keep on living. Like a row of dominoes, everyone is afraid that once one topples, the rest will follow. Everyone committing suicide because they can’t handle the grief they harbor because of the last person’s self-inflicted demise. In this way, all the good people will die and only the psychopaths remain. I say let it happen. If all it takes is peer pressure from the previous guy to drive the next to death, perhaps they wanted to die anyway. If this world is a place meant only for the worst of us, then I say embrace it. Only the worst of us could enjoy this garbage planet anyway. Perhaps if I die, I could be that catalyst that causes that mass awakening. Maybe people would realise the simple solution they could take to free themselves from misery, pain, and unfulfillable desires. Realistically, however, I’m just going to die, and it will be unremarkable. Eventually, once the last person who cares to remember me dies, I’ll be forgotten. The world will keep spinning as though I was never there. Once that happens, I’ll finally be at peace.

 

Yeah. I had been wanting this for a long time. Months now. I was beginning to realise that this was the only sensible path for me. I’m glad I only just realised it, though. I don’t want anyone else to know. I want it to be sudden. I wouldn’t want Ayano to discover my intentions and think that I was holding my life ransom, demanding her love in exchange for my continued existence. No matter how much she begged and insisted that she really did love me, I wouldn’t want that sword forever looming over our heads. I don’t want her to be chained to a relationship because she’s afraid of what I might do to myself if she doesn't maintain it. She said as much that that was always what she had been afraid of. Her fears had always been justified, and that was no love at all.

 

No. This was the moment. I had to end it now, or else I would never again muster up the courage to do so. I was tired of this world. I didn’t want to live with hope anymore. I didn’t want to grow old and loveless. Love was the only thing that mattered to me. Ayano was everything to me. My universe. Ayano was every star in the sky, and since I couldn't join her up there, I was going to sink into her reflection. Without her, I couldn’t bear to keep on going, living in this rotting body that reminds me of the tragic fact that I still exist.

 

I stripped off my clothes. I wouldn’t need them where I was going. I slipped myself into the lake, pleased that my feet didn’t immediately hit the lake bed. It was deep. Deep enough to drown me. I swam into the centre of the lake and laid on my back, floating, looking up at the moon and the stars. I was so grateful that this incredible sight would be the last thing I’d see. My blood came to life, tentacles wrapping themselves around every inch of my body, squeezing me softly as though to tell me everything would be okay.

 

Slowly, the tentacles began to drag me down into the water. The darkness of the warm waters enveloped my vision. Instinctively, I tried to hold my breath, but I knew it would be worse the longer I tried to prolong it. I opened my mouth, willingly allowing the water to enter my lungs, to fill every inch of my body. Even as my human form screamed out in pain, screamed out for oxygen, the Monstra side of me caressed my face, massaged the pain away from my body, showed me that intimacy and care I craved from another, and the love I had long been withholding from myself. They made this easier for me. Reassured me. It was so beautiful. So calming. My feelings sunk to the bottom of my chest and faded away into that glorious emptiness. I closed my eyes as my consciousness slowly faded away.

 

~~~

 

When I next opened my eyes, Someone’s face was framed by the moon. Hair and nightgown dripping wet, pressing her hands against my chest, trying desperately to pump air into me, tears streaming down her face, crying out my name over and over. She placed her lips to mine. She was frantically trying to breathe air into my lungs. I coughed and sputtered out water that suddenly felt much colder than I remembered it being as I slowly regained awareness.

 

I turned my head. A wooden training sword lay several feet away, soaked in purple blood. Countless tentacles lay around us, slowly melting away harmlessly.

 

Her face came into focus. In my delirious state, I thought it was Ayano. But no. It was Beth. When she noticed I was awake, she slapped my face. Harshly. Now that I was back, the sadness in her expression contorted into a face of pure anger.

 

“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING!? YOU FUCKING IDIOT! DON’T TELL ME YOUR BLOOD PUT YOU UP TO THIS! IT DIDN'T! YOU’RE BETTER THAN THIS LILLY! WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY!?” She cried and screamed and shouted, wailing as she lay her head next to mine, clutching me so tightly it was actually painful.

 

“I didn’t want to be saved. I was finally happy,” I simply replied, even as my cheek still stung from the impact of her strike.

 

“DON’T TALK LIKE THAT! Listen… Listen Lilly! Everyone still cares for you, values you, does none of the progress you’ve made mean anything to you? Do your friends mean nothing to you? Do you even mean anything to yourself? What happened to the girl who wanted to grant everyone their dreams? How could you be… So selfish…”

 

“...”

 

“When… When I saw you… Walking out of the manor I… I had this sinking feeling in my stomach and… I tried to tell myself that you were just going for a walk, but… After a little while, I just knew that I had to follow you to see if you were okay and I just… I’m so glad I did Lilly… You dumb bitch… You idiot… Why… I thought…”

 

“You thought what?”

 

“I thought you had… I thought you were getting better and…”

 

“I wasn’t. I hate this reality.”

 

“But Lilly… Oh Lilly, I… Everyone loves you so much, and… That includes me of course… I-I love you…”

 

“I know. But Beth I… I just don’t feel the same way about you. Just… Please, throw me back in the lake. It’s where I wanna be, but…”

“Lilly! No! You’re coming back to the manor. You’re getting a medical checkup and a meal and…"

 

“... But yeah, you’re not going to let me be there. Whatever.”

 

An endless stream of tears were falling down those red, furious cheeks. Both because of what I had tried to do, and no doubt because she had been rejected. Rejected tactlessly, at that. At least I hadn’t led Beth on with a relationship, that was something to be proud of at least.

 

I laid there like the corpse I almost was as Beth frantically dragged me back towards the manor, calling for help. I didn’t resist her. Because death isn’t appealing anymore. My blood was running cold and human. I ignored the rest of everything else she said that night. There wasn’t any reason to listen anymore.

 

When Ayano heard the news and saw me in the state I was in, I could see the quiet fury written across her face. She didn’t scream or yell, but it was the angriest I had ever seen her. Angrier than she had been even when she was slashing at me with a sword infused with the energy of a star. And mixed in with that anger, I could see disgust and contempt. I didn’t blame her. I had let my mental health deteriorate right under her nose. I had lied to her. Betrayed her yet again. I had tried to repeat what happened to Julia. Above all, I’d say there was no reason for her to love anything about a creature that held no love for itself.

 

She came to visit me about a day later. I was lying in bed, recovering. We were alone. She folded her arms, and looked down at me with a serious expression.

 

“I hope you’ve calmed down by now. Lilly, why did you do it?”

 

“... Life didn't feel worth living…”

 

“Because you can’t be with me?”

 

I turned my head to face her. A twisted, contemptuous grin formed on my face. It was my pain, my bitterness and my anger, my desire to hurt Ayano coming to the surface.

 

“Obviously! Did you really think my feelings were so weak that I *wouldn't* try something like this!?!”

 

“...”

 

She was silent for a few moments.

 

“... You know, Lilly… I don't think you saw me at first, but I had always hoped that you would eventually be the one to understand me. To be the only one who would treat me like a person instead of a Princess. But no matter how much I try to explain myself to you… You put me on this inexplicable pedestal, and refuse to let go…”

 

“... That’s because you’re a goddess to me, Ayano.”

As those honest words escaped my lips, whatever emotion remained on her face faded. The light in her eyes dimmed. At that moment, she no longer saw anything of value when she looked at me. It was over.

“... You’re fired. Don’t talk to me anymore.”

 

“... I’ll always love you.”

 

She had already turned away to leave, but when she heard those words, she turned to look at me, and a contemptuous snarl formed on her face.

 

“Just stop it. You fucking monster.”

 

There it was. She finally said it. There was a twisted joy in seeing her finally break and admit how she truly felt… Or… Was it really her true feelings? Well, I would never find out. Because with those words she left the room. When she was gone, that sense of accomplishment vanished and my reality suddenly began to feel cold. Oh, oh so very cold. Tears were already forming in my eyes as I heard her footsteps growing steadily quieter. When I was sure she was gone, they burst out into full on wails. I screamed at the top of my lungs, screaming apologies, calling myself stupid, berating myself for allowing things to reach this point. I had built up so much good will despite my countless mistakes, so why had I done all I could to ruin everything? Why? I already missed her so much! Why couldn’t I just love Beth? Why was I incapable of valuing Ayano’s friendship for what it was? Why couldn’t I value anyone? Why couldn’t I value myself? Why could I not value anything besides her? Did I even really value Ayano at all, considering what I just did? Considering everything I had done?

 

I was left alone to wail for hours, pins and needles spreading all across my body, threatening to kill me with stress, until someone finally came in to calm me down. I wasn’t sure who it was. I kept my eyes tightly shut so that I couldn’t see them, because I didn’t want to see anyone. They told me to breathe. Slowly, I calmed down. And then, I finally fell asleep.

 

~~~

 

I barely saw Ayano for the remainder of my time at the manor. I did, however, see Beth. I also saw Hugo and Lizzy, too. They would often sit at my bed and try to calm me down if I ever broke out into a fit. They hugged me, told me things would be okay, told me so many positive things. They encouraged me, even though I didn’t deserve it, even though Ayano was still the only person I wanted. They conveyed information Ayano wanted to tell me. For the following days and weeks, my friends told me that I needed to be medicated in addition to my existing therapy sessions. I was told that Ayano was generous enough to give me a large enough sum of money so that I could strike it out on my own and build my own life away from her. Over the coming weeks and months I agreed to everything I was told I should do, lacking both resistance and enthusiasm.

 

They eventually convinced me that I had far deeper problems than Ayano. My obsession with her spoke to far deeper psychological issues. I agreed. I knew I could think all of it through for the rest of my life and still learn new things about myself. But at the root of it, I simply didn’t trust nor like myself. It’s where everything else stemmed from.

 

I realised why I had behaved so hideously towards her. It was because I wanted to be more than a friend to her. So… if a relationship was never going to happen, then I only had one last option to make sure I would remain lodged in her thoughts.

 

I’d make her hate me.

 

But now that I know what that looks like, I think I’d rather be forgotten than hated.

 

I dwelled on these thoughts every hour of the day as my misery and the damage the water had done to my body kept me confined to this bed that would soon no longer be mine. Lost in my own thoughts, caught in a loop, steadily learning important lessons, unlearning them the moment the guilt and longing became too much. I began to believe that any improvements I made couldn’t last.

 

However, by the time I was taken to my new home in Belfort, banned from the manor, absolutely, utterly separated from Ayano… I reached a conclusion. I decided that I would try not to care where joy came from, so long as it was genuine happiness. I would live a good life. The best life I could. And maybe… One day, Ayano would happen to see it, and she would forgive me. After that? I don’t know. Hopefully if I’m living a good life, I’ll have figured that out by then.

 

Putting myself back together, becoming stronger than I had ever been would be easier said than done. But I would wait however long it takes. I’d put the effort in. Even if Ayano never noticed me ever again.