I woke from my dozing again, the familiar pain in my chest aching, the pain in my lungs a sore echo of when I had pneumonia.  It was mid afternoon, and I could hear the birdsong from the window.  The many sheets covering me felt comforting, but I was far from warm.  I could tell my time was soon.

 

                “Mama… Mama?  Does it hurt still?”  My daughter asked.  Jasmine was such a lovely woman, who had given me four strong grandchildren.  My heart ached, knowing I would leave her so soon.

 

                “Aye, my child.  It does – but there’s nothing to be done about it.  My time has come, child.  By tomorrow’s dawn, I will rest in Askeline’s embrace, and your father and I will be united once again.  Oh… How I miss you, Connor.  We made a promise, Jasmine.  We promised each other Always and Forever.  Today I fulfill that promise.”

 

                “I’m not ready to see you go, Mama.”  Jasmine’s tears ran down her cheeks.  “None of us are.”

 

                “Hush, my child.  It is not for you or I to say when the time has come.  That is the Mother’s privilege, and only she knows the time of one’s passing before it happens.”  I coughed, and felt my chest tear inside a little.  Jasmine daubed my lips, and looked pale.  The handkerchief came away red.

 

                I looked over at my beautiful, grown baby, and placed my hand on hers.  “It’s alright, Jasmine.  Could I have some soup.  I’m very cold.”

 

                “Of course you can have some soup, Mama.  I’ll gather the others.” She said, more tears running down her face.  “…So they can say goodbye.”

 

                I smiled gratefully.  “Thank you, Jasmine.  We’ve always been so close, you and I.  You were my first baby, and one of my proudest moments.  Did I ever tell you that?”

 

                “Yes, Mama.  And the other two moments were when you married Dada, and before that, when you left the life of Donal behind and became Donya in body and spirit.  I know, Mama.”

 

                “Good… good.  It’s true, though.  You are my pride and joy – you and all my babies.  I love you, Jasmine.”

 

                “I… I love you too, Mama.”  She handed me a bowl of soup, through her tears, and helped me sit up a bit to drink it.  The hot broth was warm, and full of memories.  I remembered the time I first made chicken soup for Connor, and he smiled and did his best to eat it, just to make me happy.  Goddess, how I had fouled that up!  He was an angel for that.  My angel.  I learned how to cook in later years, but that first glorious disaster of chicken soup was how I remembered him.  He ate the whole bowl, too, and I loved him for it.

 

                I ate as much as I could, and motioned enough.  “No more for now, Jasmine.  I need to rest a bit to conserve my strength.  I’ll nap a while, till everyone is here.”

 

                “You won’t leave without us?”  Jasmine asked, worriedly.

 

                “No, my girl.  I have to say goodbye.  I can wait a little while – but not too long.  Go get the others.”

 

                “I will, Mama.  I’ll be back soon.  Kai can take care of the baby.”

 

                “He’s such a good boy.”  I said, thinking of my youngest grandson.  He was 10 years old, with sandy blonde hair, and you could tell he was going to grow up looking like his handsome father.  He was my special boy, and I doted on him. 

 

                “He is, isn’t he Mama?  I’ll be back soon.”  Jasmine took what was left of the bowl of soup away, and left me alone to rest.  I felt tired.  I was tired.  It was time to sleep – but I knew it wasn’t the final sleep.  It would come soon, but not yet.  I lay back and dozed… dreaming of when I was young and beautiful and in love for the first time.

*              *              *

 

 

 

                Connor and I laughed as we splashed in the duckpond, giggling and kissing as we cavorted together.  It had been a year and a day since I had become Donya, and we were in love.  He was handsome, and strong, and I couldn’t get enough of him.

 

                “I love you, Donya!” he said, grasping me tight in his arms.

 

                “I love you too, my Conner, with all my heart!”  I replied, gazing into his deep green eyes. 

 

                “Will you marry me, Donya Gellere?  Will you allow me to make you my wife?”  His eyes showed his need, and his love for me.  How could I say no? 

 

My kiss was his answer, and from then on we were inseparable.  We married that fall, and Jasmine was born next summer – and holding her, with him next to me was the proudest moment of my life.  We lived and loved, and together Conner gave me much happiness and 6 other children.  He was the love of my life. 

 

Shortly after my forty-fifth birthday, he was taken from me, by the predations of a cairn shadow.  Other hunters slew the beast – but not before my beloved Connor passed away, saving our son Robert from its claws and fangs.  It was Robert’s first hunt, and he blamed himself for his father’s passing for many years.

 

                My heart ached at the thought of Robert, my beautiful son, being in so much pain, and I knew I did all I could to assuage it, but I know guilt rode him for many years. I wish I could have made it all better, my baby.  My dreams blurred then, and I drifted for a while, not knowing anything, until I woke, hearing the cry of a baby… my granddaughter Cinnamon.

 

                “Kai…”  I coughed.  “Kai!  The baby!”

 

                I heard the baby’s cries dwindle, and then soothe as my grandson cleaned up his little sister’s diaper.  Baby Cinnamon was only just reaching her first year – while Kai was 10, and getting so big.  Just like his father…

 

                A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door.  “Come in.”  I replied.

 

                “Grandma?”  Kai’s voice called out.  “Are you okay?  Mama left me alone with Cinnamon, and she was crying.”

 

                “Come closer, Kai, and let me see you.”  He did, and I looked at him with love.  “You know you’re my special grandson, don’t you?”

 

                “Yes, Grandma Donya.  I love you.”

 

                “I love you too.  Your mama is crying because I think I go to the goddess today.  Please, don’t be sad.  At long last, I get to see my Connor, your Grandpa again.  It’s not a bad thing – it’s the way of life.  All things that are born, eventually die.  It is my time.”

 

                “But… But I don’t want you to go, Grandma!”  Kai said, crying and holding my hand.  “Please, don’t go.”

 

                “I have to, Kai.  I have to – but I will always watch over you, and do what I can to take care of you, my precious child.”

 

                Kai cried a little bit as I held him, stroking his hair and soothing him with kind words.  He was a brave child, but he was still a child, and death was frightening and strange to him.  To me, it was like a rest at the end of a long journey – it was sad to see the journey end, but the rest was very inviting.  And after the rest, who knew what would happen next?

 

                I told him stories of when I was young – of when I was Donal, a young boy who wished to be a girl.  Of the year and a day I spent preparing for the Maigeane Mranne – the ritual of becoming a woman, given by Askeline to her faithful.  I told him about my life with my husband – his grandfather – and how proud I was of him, and how brave he was being right now.  I told him I loved him more than life itself.  At last, his tears stopped.

 

                “What will I do without you, Grandma?”

 

                “What makes you think I will ever leave you, Kai?  I will watch over you from the Vault of Heaven, and send blessings your way every moment that I can.  I will be with you always, but in spirit, not in the flesh… and one day, when it is your time, I will be waiting to welcome you to my embrace in heaven.  We are never truly alone, Kai – the spirits of those who came before watch over us, and guide us – and if they can, protect us.  I will be with you always.”

 

                I sat and held my grandson until Jasmine and the others returned.

 

 

 

*              *              *

 

               

                Soon, Jasmine and the others were here with me, and Kai had left the room for a little bit.  I looked at my children proudly.  There was Jasmine, of course, and Eoghan, my first son, then Robert, my second son, and my daughters Andrea, Muireall, and Brigid.  Tears were in their eyes, too.

 

                “Hello, my children.  I’m sorry, but I think I have to say farewell.  I go to meet your father today.”

 

                “I know…”  Robert said, trying to be so very brave.  “Please tell him I’m sorry I took him from you.”

 

                “Oh baby,” I said.  “It wasn’t your fault.  It wasn’t.”  My other children told him the same thing, and he nodded – only half believing. 

 

                I spent some time talking with them, and saying goodbye – and they brought in their children – my beautiful beloved grandchildren.  Donella and Eithne, Maighread and Dolman, Carson, Niall, and Sean – and all the others…  eighteen beautiful grandchildren, all so young and perfect – and soon to be nineteen or twenty, if the looks of Brigid and Andrea were anything to judge by. 

 

                “I’m so proud of you all.”  I said, with tears in my eyes.  “You are my crowning achievement.  My life’s work.  I love you all.”

 

                They said they loved me too, and at last, I was content.  I was ready.  I could feel the Mothers approach.  I turned to Jasmine, and smiled sadly.  “Talk to Kai, my daughter.  He isn’t ready to say goodbye to me.  He won’t understand.  The other children are too young to really know what’s happening, but Kai will be hurt.”

 

                “I will, Mama.  I’ll tell him what a strong, powerful woman you truly were.  I’ll tell him you loved him every single day.”

 

                “And I always will,”

 

                “Aye. Mama.  You always will.”

 

                Just then, I saw her enter the room… A stately woman of great beauty, wearing a dress of dark green cloth, with a white sash, and around her belt a ring of beautiful glass keys, keys of many colors – of all the rainbow.  She gave me a moment to say farewell to my family, and then approached.

 

                *Donya Gellere, it is time.*               

                “I know, my Lady.  I know.  Thank you for letting me say goodbye.”

 

                The world around me faded, and it was just Lady Askeline and myself, in a silvery gray expanse.  “Where are we, my Lady?”

 

                *We are in between, Donya.  The place between the living world, and what comes after.  Did you have a good life, Donya?*

 

                “I did, my Lady.  Since I received your blessing, I have had nothing but joy.  There have been sad parts – like when I lost Conner, or my fourth child to miscarriage, but overall I have been happy and whole.  I could not ask for a better life.”

 

                *And if I were to offer you a boon?  What would you ask for, Donya?*

 

                I thought about it for a while, and answered.  “Could you watch over my Grandson, Kai?  He gets into trouble, and I fear he will not understand my leaving him.”

 

                *I will.  His fate and that of my child are entwined.*

 

                “Truly?  Then I am blessed.  Thank you!  How do you know this, Lady Askeline?”

 

                *Morian showed me a page of his book.  It seems dark times are coming, and your grandson will be a great hero one day, should he survive.  He will find love, and live a long and happy life, barring the slings and arrows of fate.  I will watch over him for you.*

 

                “Then I am content, My Lady.  What happens now?”

 

                *I take you to the portals of life and death, and you make your choice.  And after that, even I do not know.*

 

                “Will I see Connor again?”

 

                *If that is truly your wish, yes.  I know he is waiting to see you.*

 

                “Aye, and I him.  I miss him so much.”  I said, tears falling from my eyes.  “It’s been so lonely these past years.  I miss his warmth, his laugh, his smile.  I miss his presence next to me in bed.  It’s time, My Lady.  I promised him Always and Forever, and I mean to keep that promise.”

 

                *Then let us be off.* 

 

                The scene around us dissolved – and now before me was a set of ivory and bronze gates, burnished white and gold, studded with pearls.  The gates were barred, and Lady Askeline approached, and drew up her ring of glass keys.  *What is your choice, Donya Gellere?  Eternity in Heaven, as reward for a life well lived, or Return to the world, to live again?  Or failing that, Oblivion, to end your pain?*

 

                “I want to see my Conner again.” 

 

                *Then so be it.*  She withdrew a key the color of rosy crystal, and placed it in the lock. 

 

When the door opened, I could see it – I could see heaven, with all those who had come before me, waiting to welcome me to their embrace.  I could see Connor, looking young and handsome again, tears in his eyes, and I felt the age and pains that I had bourn for so long slough away.  I took a step forward – and paused.

 

“What happens when I take the next step, My lady?”

 

*That is what you must find out for yourself, Donya.  Be brave.  You can do this.*

 

“I… I can.”  I turned back towards my beloved, and smiled.  I took a step forward, and reached the gate’s threshold.  I could feel the love radiating from him, and I felt it radiating from me back to him.  I was home.  I was finally home.  All the years alone, all the pain, and tears, and loneliness… it all faded away.  Never again.  I was home.

 

I turned back to Askeline once more, tears of joy in my eyes.  “Thank you for my life, My Lady.  Thank you for the joy you brought me, and the blessings I had and still have.  Thank you for making me whole.”

 

*It was truly my pleasure, and no less than you deserved, Donya.  Farewell.*

 

“Farewell.”  I looked at Connor, waiting, and stepped into his arms.  I heard the gates of Brass and Ivory shut behind me, and felt Connor’s strong arms around me once again, and cried with tears of joy.  It was over, and I had my love back.  Now and forever.

 

Forever and Always.