CW:

Ever since our conversation I had been trying to resist putting on my cutest outfit and just going about my day like it was the most normal thing ever, but neither of us had made a move and dressed up by the following Friday and our next gaming session happened. Nothing had stopped our sessions before when it was physically possible and the unspoken unease between us wasn't about to change so I began to prepare mentally for it.

Problem was I quickly realized it was a losing battle to try and stop myself. Now that I had permission to wear what I wanted, no matter how  weird as it was, I was coming up short on reasons to not just give in to temptation. So a few hours before it was time to start I had a brilliant idea to get the upper hand this time. If I were to go all out and dress up super cute and girly I would surely throw him off his game. 

Obviously, I was only considering this for the advantage it could give me in-game and no other reasons at all. Yep, definitely nothing else going on here. The blouse and skirt would distract him with the flowing fabric and offer me superior ventilation to a shirt and jeans, my newly acquired arm warmers and thigh-highs would hypnotize him with their cute patterns and would improve my blood flow to keep me in the game longer, and I was already wearing panties… for reasons.

When I returned to the living room Chad had gotten home and was about to hatch my plan when I saw him and all hopes he'd be the one at a disadvantage were lost.

He wore a tight black v-neck shirt and matching skinny jeans, strategically ripped to show off his clean shaven legs. A padded bra rounded out the outfit and gave the illusion of small boobs. He had even used make-up, and smoky wings that seductively flared out from his eyes gave him the dominant goth girl vibes I've always been weak to.

Oh no, he's hot! 

There was no possibility of denying it at that point, no matter what his actual gender was I was extremely attracted to him.

"Hey," he purred in a smoldering voice that made my legs weak.

"Aaaaa," I squealed.

“Like what you see?” he smirked.

“Uhh, of course not! It’s not like I’m super gay for you or anything like that!” I blatantly lied.

“That’s too bad, I was thinking we could play a new sort of game instead,” he winked, then burst into raucous laughter. “God, you should see your face, you’re redder than a tomato!”

The tomato was the most embarrassed he’d been in his entire life and strangely it wasn’t as uncomfortable as embarrassment usually was, in fact it was vaguely pleasant, but I didn’t have time to decipher my feelings before Chad laid down the coup de grace.

"By the way, you're looking pretty cute in that," he praised with a wink.

To say that that had flustered me would have been the understatement of the decade, I barely managed to plop onto my chair. I wiped the nervous sweat from my brow, then braced myself for the coming match. Clearly I had underestimated his raw power. This would surely be an uphill battle, but we were going to be doing a one on one in the hat-based fashion simulator disgusted as a shooter and I was more than his match in skill in the game.

"Fuck… I give up," I conceded, unable to take a single kill off of him after an hour and a half.

"What, am I too distracting in this for you to play?" he teased, "Do you really find me that attractive?"

My breath hitched as heat rose to my cheeks. Of course he was right… well, mostly. My own outfit had backfired and was diverting my attention far more than his. He remained laser focused the entire session, while I had practically been fawning over him the whole time.

How many times am I going to just run away from this? I can't take it anymore, I have to say something.

"You're really fucking hot, okay?!?" I blurted out, afraid that if I put any more thought into this I'd chicken out.

"Oh!" he gasped, "I wasn't expecting you to admit it."

"You knew?!?" 

"Wait, you trying to hide it? We've been flirting for what feels like years so I thought you were just too embarrassed to act on it and I was waiting for you to be comfortable with the idea."

"But it was just jokes!" I protested.

"Do you honestly think two ‘cishet men’ would joke about having passionate sex with each other on a nearly daily basis?" he did air quotes around cishet men, but I had no clue what that was supposed to mean, but the gist was easy enough to get.

"B-but you might not be a man, right?" I deflected. 

"Yeeeeah, about that…," Chad rubbed the back of his neck, then he scrunched up his eyes and grimaced slightly as if the effort of speaking were as difficult as trying to lift a boulder above his head.

"I've never admitted it before, not even to myself, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since last time we talked and I’ve realized that I for sure want to be a girl. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life! No matter how hard I've tried to ignore it, these feelings are always there, reminding me that there is a way to happiness if only I am brave enough to seek it out."

If I had laser eyes there would be a borehole deeper than the Mariana Trench in a dusty corner of the room where I had been dutifully staring to attempt to avoid perceiving my friend or anything belonging to them or at things they might have touched or looked at recently.

Unfortunately, an incredible skill of pretending the obvious wasn't happening didn't manifest into reality and I couldn't think of anything besides those all too relatable words.

"Please say something, I can't handle waiting for a response," my friend begged.

"I d-don't know what to say. The thought that you're one of them-"

"One of them?" they asked, I could hear the frown in their voice. 

That was clearly the wrong thing to say, more proof that shutting up and shutting down was a better option than facing my problems, but it was equally clear they would not let me ignore them so I mumbled and barely audible "Sorry, didn’t mean as a bad thing" but still refusing to look at them.

"It's okay, just don't be a jerk about it and everything will be fine," they promised.

"So you think you might, possibly, could maybe be…" I trailed off, not able to force myself to finish the thought.

"Yeah… I probably am," they sighed, then corrected themself. "Honestly, it's far more than probably." 

"Why…?" I asked, more to myself than my friend, but they responded thinking I was talking to them.

"Because I don't think that I actually like being a man." 

"But no one actually likes being a man!" I objected.

"Ah ha!" they exclaimed, but didn't actually sound surprised. It was as if they expected me to say that exact phrase. 

"What? It's true! You're stuck being big, hairy, and angular. You can't show emotions or other men will shit on you for being weak or whatever and women immediately see you as a threat, not to mention all guy clothes are boring as all hell! Being a man fucking sucks!"

"I completely agree, but guys actually like it!” they insisted.

"No they won’t, if you asked literally any guy if they'd rather be a girl they'd say yes if they weren't afraid to admit it!"

"So you're saying you want to be a girl… or something else entirely?"

"That's not– Look, it doesn't matter what I want, I'm a man and that's just how it is!"

"I've been researching gender stuff for weeks. Everything I've learned tells me that there's no difference between wanting to be a woman and being a woman-"

"That can't be true," I interjected hastily, panic continuing to rise in my gut.

"That's what I said at first, but your mind is the important part of who you are. Whether or not your body fits your mind is secondary to who you really are."

"No it isn't, I can't just- you can't just be…," I started, but I couldn't force myself to deny my friend their rightful happiness, even if it was something I'd never be able to experience. 

"Hey, look at me," my friend ordered. I complied automatically. "It's okay to be who you want to be, no one can force you to be someone other than yourself. I'm not going to push the issue, but I'm here if you want to talk."

There was a long awkward silence while they let me have a moment to think and ask any questions, but obviously I did neither since both of those were far too dangerous to attempt. 

"Umm, well… with all that said, I'd like to try out she/her pronouns for now, if that's okay," she whispered.

"Y-yeah… you be… she and her," I rambled incoherently. 

"Are you okay? You look like you might faint," she asked concerned. When I didn’t respond she said, "Hey, it's all going to work out. No matter what happens we'll be there for each other."

As I stared blankly into her eyes my mind slowly regained focus, then I gazed at my friend and for once in my life I didn't filter my feelings and just spoke honestly with no regard if it was socially acceptable for a guy to say.

"You'll be such a pretty girl," I murmured, an unintentional tinge of envy touching my voice, that not even I missed.

Her face changed to an expression as happy as it was terrified as if she was on the greatest roller-coaster in all of existence. 

"Oh… wow…gender euphoria is a hella of a drug," she breathed. 

Synapses fired deep in my brain, telling me there was a connection I should be making with enjoying being called a girl, wanting to be a girl, and actually being one, but I couldn't think straight while looking at her, so instead I asked.

“So, like, do you want me to use a different name for you?"

"Umm… I kinda like Bridget," she blushed heavily.

"Ah fuck, I can't believe you've done this," I deadpanned in a British accent.

“Hey, her coming out is kinda what started cracking my egg! Besides it's a pretty name,” she flushed, then perhaps sensing my confusion at the term she added, “An egg is a trans person doesn’t know they’re trans.”

"I see, look bro… err, sorry… Bridget, you can be what you want and I'll try to be cool about it. I don't get all this stuff," I lied, "but as long as you're still a gamer we can be friends," I joked, trying to not come off as jealous about this revelation.

"Of course I'm still a gamer," she laughed, "I'm questioning my gender not my hobbies. Even if I do turn out to be a girl I'll always be into games."

If you were a girl… oh my god!

The question she'd asked me a couple weeks ago suddenly popped up in my mind. She'd asked if I would date her if she were a girl. I was confused at the time, but with the added context that she is a girl it was hard to come to another conclusion, even for someone as admittedly dense as me.

"You like me… like, like me like me," I realized. 

"Uhh–" there was a long pause before she sighed and looked deep into my eyes, then she finally admitted, "yeah, I do."

An awkward silence to end all awkward silences made itself at home, kicked up its feet and started a cringe-comedy movie marathon on the nearby couch as the two of us looked anywhere, but at each other.

"I don't know what to say," I managed. 

"It's okay if you don't actually feel that way about me, I completely get it," she frowned, "sorry, maybe I’ve just been projecting." 

"I like you too, Bridget," I interrupted. 

Relief came over her face then it turned to joy. For once it was her who was at a loss for words. I just beamed at her, then moved over to the couch… just in case.

It seemed like the impossible had occurred, that dreams came true, or that the prophecy unfolded as foretold by the Elder Gays. However I looked at it as incredible that we came so far together in just a few short weeks.

"Since we, like, like each other, maybe we could… kiss and stuff," I mumbled.

"I'd like to kiss and stuff," she giggled, then wasted no time, approaching me to kiss and stuff. 

"Woah, going a little fast," I laughed nervously.

"I can move in slow motion if you want."

"No, I mean, uhh,” I waffled.

"It's okay if you want to wait. It's completely up to you, but I'll be ready whenever you are," she assured me.

"No, umm, you don't have to stop…," I mumbled, "I just, like, I'm trying to process that this is really happening and I'm not just fantasizing again."

"I fucking knew it! One point for Bridget!" she exclaimed victoriously, reminding me this was the same competitive nerd I've spent countless hours gaming with.

"Not my fault you're so cute…," I blushed.

“Right back at ya,” she murmured.

We locked eyes and I knew the moment was nigh. She leaned in and with only the briefest bit of hesitation on my side I met her lips with mine. It began as a soft and tender kiss, but quickly evolved into an open-mouthed desperation to taste each other. We made out for some time before she finally broke the kiss for just long enough to say.

"This is so wonderful, Brad. I could do this for hours.”

My stomach dropped and I flinched heavily, it felt like I had just been stabbed in the gut. Recoiling from Bridget, I turned away from her so she won’t have to perceive my vile form.

That name felt… wrong. I had never liked it to begin with, but now that I've accepted I like wearing dresses and being cute underlined just how… masculine it was.

It was a reminder of everything I'd never be. Hope had died and the soul-crushing reality had finally sunk in, she would get to be a girl and I was stuck being some shitty guy.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry! I wasn't even thinking since you haven't-" She slapped her hand over her mouth like she was about to say something she shouldn't.

Even I wasn't dense enough to miss the implication. 'You haven't come out yet' clearly is what she was going to say, or at least something to that effect. 

My mind went wild trying to figure out how to not connect the dots, but there were only two of them and Bridget had helpfully made a dotted line between them for me. 

She thinks I'm transgender too… if all she’s said about it’s true then maybe… Wanting to be a girl too would explain all these confusing feelings, I realized, especially the fact I would really rather be a girl than a guy…

"There's really no going back after all this, is there?" I asked after a quiet moment. 

"Would you even want to if you could?”

"I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it," I said.

Bridget gave me a bemused look, but she must’ve decided to ignore it and instead said. "I believe in you."

"This is the first time I've said all this out loud, but I think I want to be a…" I stopped mid-sentence.

Words have a power, to know the name of something immediately makes it less unknown, less alien. To have it spoken aloud makes it all the more real. I had to be sure I was ready for this before I took this step.

Am I really going through with this? There’s so many things I don’t know about this so who knows what horrors I’ll have to endure to become who I want to be. I know first hand trans people get prejudiced against and once I say it I can’t unsay it and I’ll have to face reality no matter what, but is happiness worth it?

It didn’t even take an entire second to come to a conclusion. Obviously, not like being a guy ever did anything except hurt me before now. I have to do it, bigots and naysayers be damned.

"I-I… I want to try out… some stuff," I managed.

“Of course, I’m here for you,” she assured me.

“Can you call me Maria and treat me like a girl? At least for now,” I asked.

“Maria, you’re such a beautiful girl.”

Bridget had called it gender euphoria, it was an apt name for the incredible feeling of elation that her words had induced. We kissed her gently as I bathed in the perfect moment.

"Soooo, Maria… of Astral Clocktower fame?" she guessed with a goofy smile all over her face.

"You did it too!" I pointed out indignantly.

"I don't have a clue what you mean." She pecked me on the lips playfully.

"Bridget…," I began, not sure what I was going to ask the question that I’d been secretly wanting to ask her for weeks.

"Yes, Maria?" she purred in a tone that I'd recently fantasized about.

I had to cling on to her as my knees suddenly lost all their strength. My skull felt like it was going to crack open at the slightest touch.

She used my name… my name? It's certainly a name, but I don't feel like I've earned it. Shouldn't I have to be… Brad? 

I shuddered at the thought of the old name. Just thinking about it was more disturbing than chewing on some coarse sandpaper.

"Maria? Are you okay?" She jolted me out of my thoughts and I decided to not worry and focus on the here and now for once in my life.

"I will be once I get to kiss those beautiful lips again," I replied.