Is it okay to not be okay?

Sometimes, I found myself asking that question. As if I wanted someone to answer ‘yes’ to it. Sometimes, I thought that I was doing something wrong. The guilt ate me up from the inside out, starting from my stomach to the pit of my throat. That fear froze me in place. 

I sat in front of a row of recruiters, all staring at me from that long table of theirs. I didn’t move from my seat, nor fidget with my hands. I just sat there, listening to their reasoning for rejection from an objective standpoint. I observed them flicking their pens, and the list of names they had gone through before finally reaching me. Luckily, I was the last one on that list. After hearing their words, I quietly stood up and packed my briefcase. 

After hearing the ding of the elevator, the doors slid shut and I reclined my back against the elevator wall. I could feel the fleeting feeling but couldn’t differentiate whether it was the straightforward motion of going down or the rejection I had just been told. The tie and collar began to constrict my neck, so I fixed my tie over and over again. The cold sweat soaked my polo shirt, and I couldn’t wait to take my suit off. However, I also dreaded the thought of returning home.

In the lobby, my footsteps echoed throughout the airy space. The clerk clearly was eager to head home already, anxiously staring at me sauntering over to the sliding door. I didn’t blame them, they must’ve had a family to come home to, or perhaps they wanted to destress. 

Cicadas greeted me enthusiastically in the night, perhaps the bugs were trying to cheer me up. At least I wanted to imagine. The cold air stung my eyes and ears, while I hurried to the last train, the station void of any people. That loneliness comforted me, even just a little, for I knew the most that I didn’t wish to return home. The police box in the corner closed its lights, and the officer greeted me as the last train slowly came from the evening rails. Upon entering the train, I sighed in relief that home was at least a bit far. I spent all my time pondering, staring at my own reflection in the window. How that face of mine, once teeming with life and youth, had been reduced to eyebags and dead eyes. I cursed my youth and innocence with a scowl. 

The train hissed to a stop and announced its destination, a lowly block that I’d always known. And so, I began to walk. Past the highways and sidewalks, I would always count the number of buildings on the way home. It helped me distract myself from when I’d arrive. Once I walked past that convenience store, I would need to cross a bridge. Innen Bridge, I would say it had quite an ominous name. Thirty-six people jumped from this bridge, a ten-meter drop to the road down below. Sometimes, I wondered who would be the thirty-seventh. But in fear of insulting those that actually made the jump, I chose not to do anything. After doing my three-minute sigil for those that died, among contemplating other things, I continued on my way. 

I checked my phone for the first time since this morning. My mother’s texts bombarded the screen, the same as I’d left it. As I browsed my phone, my home screen was void of anything other than the essential apps of RAIN and other utilities. the video games I once came to enjoy were deleted a long time ago. 

“Kawari.”

I turned off my phone and whirled around at the faint sound of my name. Were my ears deceiving me? I was aware that those voices… from the house haunted me but I never thought they extended to my solemn commute. However this voice was different from my mother’s, nor was it a casual call I had with my father. 

Eventually, I found myself standing in front of a peaceful apartment complex, with a few lights still on. I watched the moths entranced with the nearest streetlamp and noted the lively sounds coming from the lush bushes. The earthy smell prompted me to sneeze, at which point I decided to take a detour. I just wanted to delay the time before I actually walked up that staircase and to waste some time. 

The street next to my apartment was unusually crowded with light traffic and minded the rumble of their engines whirring past me. The traffic reminded me of that rite of passage I had heard of in America. Over there, once a kid knew how to drive, they were already on the road to becoming an adult. Pun not intended. The rules of society put a constraint on our individuality and made us wear a suit and tie. I was no different, except that I considered myself lower than the average salaryman. After all, I never even got the job in the first place. 

I already counted sixty seconds and instinctively entered the crosswalk. But it appeared I had made a miscalculation. It was too fast for me to process. My consciousness went blurry, and I found myself flying across the pavement. I couldn’t feel anything. My brain wanted to scream, but soon my body no longer responded to me. At that moment, I saw papers from my briefcase raining down from the starry sky, and littered glass shards pattering to the floor. The truck in the distance blinked its hazard lights, hypnotizing me to sleep.

“Kawari…You shall be given a second chance.”

The pain jolted me awake as if I was woken up from a nightmare. Except that it wasn’t. The white hospital bed embraced me tightly, and my body ached to even move. The stench of sanitizer intruded my nose, and the lights dimly brightened the room. I understood from the mere silence of the room that… 

My mother and brother never came, nor bothered to ask about my condition. I still couldn’t process the fact that I had been hit by a truck and survived. Only one of my legs was covered in a cast, with more wrappings over my head. I knew that the longer I stayed here, the more my mother would be mad at me. I calmly repeated in my head, everything will be okay. But with the mental gymnastics I was doing, I was hit by a truck and everything was going to be okay? Yes, it would. Everything would be okay. I held onto that belief like it was my core philosophy, and requested to be discharged from the hospital. 

I paid twenty thousand yen for staying the night.

The brisk morning was marked by the sun, as the light began to warm my body. Using crutches, I hobbled my way back. I was forced to go back home since I couldn’t go anywhere in my current condition. In the back of my mind, I prepared myself for what awaited me there. Once I reached the apartment complex, I went up the staircase and stood in front of the door. I spent a couple of minutes fishing for my keys before I managed to unlock the door.

I said the usual. “I’m home.”

No one acknowledged my existence. They must be busy, I concluded. I stepped into the genkan and took off my shoes. 

“Kawari, what are you doing?”

My lips quivered at the voice my ears dreaded. I glanced up to see my mother watching me from the kitchen. I had to say something. 

“Mom, I-”

“What’s with those casts? What happened to your job interview?”

“I… didn’t get the job.” I yanked the cold, hard truth from my mouth. And that was enough for her. 

“Again? You’re almost twenty-two, Kawari! Do you realize how much money your father and I paid for your university? Only for you to remain unemployed?!” 

I saw her face tense up in anger, as she slammed her hand on the table. Honestly, it was better to look down at her feet, than to look at her face. I agreed wholeheartedly with what she yelled at me. It was my fault. My parents paid for my tuition, but I had yet to get a job. 

“It better not be because you’ve been staying in your room, playing video games. Or were you injured because you were playing those stupid games while crossing the street?” 

I wanted to scream, to lash out, to make her understand the pain I was feeling. But instead, I just hung my head and limped past her in silence. I knew I couldn’t simply make people ‘understand’, and such actions often never made people ‘understand’. I went down the tiny hall on the right and busted open the door. My desk was empty, only a few papers scattered around. My briefcase contained my name and address, so I knew it would be returned in a few days. Those things that my mother blamed, I had already sold my laptop and any games along with it since I graduated from university. Those figures I’d once kept as a symbol of my youth, I sold them to help pay for the apartment’s rent. 

I covered my mouth. That feeling of anxiousness welled up from my stomach and lit my throat on fire. I kept telling myself everything would be okay. My father’s voice echoed inside my head, reminding me of that same line I’d learned to tell myself. Soon after I felt the walls would come tumbling down, that feeling of anxiety flushed away. Something was off. I glanced around my room, staring at the emptiness that promised me hope. 

I slowly stood up, wincing from my screaming leg, and hobbled to the door. I leaned against it with my weight and turned the doorknob. The door hissed open as it blasted me with sunlight. 

What I saw before me, was something I’d never seen before. I collapsed to the ground, to find myself on top of a gravel pathway. I turned my head up, to see a clear blue sky. Mountains of trees surrounded me in this sudden forest, and the chirping birds did nothing to answer my confusion. 

“What?...”