I don’t know where to start. I always reflect on my life and actions. Where do I even start? My life on earth, I barely want to remember it, it was hell.

Now, why do I see myself again in that same world? I hate when I have dreams like this, I have to relieve my worst memories all over again.

“Ayumu, wake up, it’s time to go to school”- My mom knocked on my door. I had to get up. I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw the same face I had back then. Looking down at my clothes, I forgot that I changed into more feminine clothes when I went to sleep. I usually lock my door, I don’t want anyone to know yet. I can’t go to school looking like that, it’s not that I feel ashamed wearing these, I fear that people won’t accept me.

That’s what I thought back then, and I was right, people didn’t accept me the way I was back then.

I changed my clothes. The ones I changed into weren’t comfortable at all, they made me look like a man with long hair, I don’t want that look, I had the urge to rip those clothes but I resisted, it’s whatever, it’s not like I can much about this.

My mentality changed a lot since I arrived in the other world. I remember going to school that day. I can remember going to my classroom and going to my desk. I found a single flower on my desk, I stared at it and looked around the class. There was a group notorious for subtly bullying others and messing with their mind. I looked at the flower a little bit longer and then looked at the whole class staring at me and nodding. Great, now my whole class is telling me ‘Kill yourself’. It’s not the first time that it happened, I can’t do much about it.

I just threw the flower out of the window, and laughter ensued. I just wore my headphones and blasted music until the teacher was in class. That day I didn’t have the energy to deal with anything, most of the days were monotonous for me. It was always like this.

I don’t know what I did wrong to deserve all of this.

During class, I got scolded by the teacher because I wasn’t paying attention. I couldn’t care less.

“What did you do last night Ayumu? Tell me. You look so sleepy, I hope you studied. Now tell me about the life of Osamu Dazai, tell me one line from his novels and the meaning behind it”- Mister Sawaki, he is a history and literature teacher at my high school.

“’ Mine has been a life of such shame that I don’t know what it means to live the life of a human being.’ It’s from one of his most known works, No Longer Human. The novel reflects on mental health and the human condition, the line I just quoted is the opening line of the novel, it reflects on the main character on how disconnected he is from human beings”- The teacher raised his left hand, that is usually a sign that we gave a correct or satisfactory answer.

“My life would be a shame if I was cross-dressing and pretending to be a girl. I think I understand why Ayumu quoted it”- Most of the class erupted in laughter at these words. I wanted to punch him but I stopped myself.

At that moment I just left the class, I began crying in the hallway and hid in the bathroom, I didn’t know in which bathroom I entered, I just hid until the bell rang, crying. I don’t know what to do anymore. This had been going on for a long time. What to do? Can I even do something about this?

The door opened after some time. I was one of the girls in my class, turns out I ran out into the girl’s restroom.

“Hey, Ayame, it’s ok.”- She sat next to me. I never knew her name. Why did she call me Ayame, well it seems like the female version of my name. But I feel comfortable with the name Ayame.

“It isn’t. It just isn’t”- I tried to get up and run away again but she grabbed me by my shirt.

“I will go with you. Let’s just sit outside a little, I got a special spot”- I didn’t have the energy to refuse. I just followed her.

We arrived at a spot in the school, I didn’t know it existed before, it’s pretty isolated and hard to spot. It’s a crack in a wall that is lit up by some lamps, maybe she bought them for this place.

“Sorry, I don’t think you know my name. I am Nanano. Do you want to be friends?”- I don’t think she is real.

“I don’t trust anyone anymore. I just don’t want to trust people anymore”- I tried to leave but she gently grabbed me again.

“Listen. I don’t mean you harm. I know it’s hard for you. But listen to me for a second”- I turned to look at her. Maybe I should stay to listen.

“Fine”- I sat down looking defeated.

“You already look beautiful enough. I will make you look prettier than this. Wait”- She searched her bag and grabbed something that looked like a makeup set and some more girlish clothes. She was done after half an hour. I didn’t know what she had done to me.

She grabbed a mirror and made me look at it. The face I saw in the mirror or rather the person I saw was different but yet so familiar. It still looked like me, but it was as if I was born a girl, I looked so beautiful, that I wanted to cry again.

“Don’t cry now. You are going to mess up your makeup. You look gorgeous Ayame, you don’t have to bend to their will. Let’s hang out more, ok?”- She extended her hand and placed it on my head. I couldn’t believe it, she just made me prettier, she didn’t laugh at me, she just. I don’t know if this is even real.

“Thank you”- I hugged her, I didn’t know what else to do. She had been too good to me.

This is just the story's start, and as with everything in life, one way or another it’s going to go bad. I was sure of it back then and it was true.