As her clearly nauseous body staggered out of the room, with Kat’s following close behind, Allie fought the urge to follow suit. She let out the pain she was feeling through another guttural groan, feeling oddly comforted by how it rumbled through her chest.

Back to the weird brain changes, I guess.

She felt the futon shift next to her, its metal beams creaking from added weight. “Allie… are you okay?” Jessica’s voice asked, and Allie grunted in response. Jess sighed. “That was a really tense minute… It was definitely longer than either time I saw a swap occur prior to this, and judging by everyone’s reactions, possibly more intense on the brain?”

“Yeah, this headache is killer…” Allie moaned, still massaging her temples.

“More killer than earlier? Can you give me a number?”

“Worse, but not the absolute worst… eight, sure.”

Scribbling sounds could be heard. “The physical reactions seem to be increasing in intensity, and the time to recovery is increasing as well… This is concerning. I’ll have to measure the next one with a stopwatch to make sure we have at least one known length of time. ‘Minute’ is just an estimate, after all…”

Next one…

With some effort (and sounds), Allie slowly sat up from where she’d been recuperating. “Jess, maybe we should take a break from all the swaps for now. I’m not in any state to keep going, and Kat really didn’t seem like she was, either.”

Jessica looked up from her notes and frowned. “But you three are still mixed up, and now that we have a general understanding of how this all works, we should be able to fix it with relative ease.”

“Or put me back in Kat’s body again, making things even worse.”

Jessica squinted, her eyes darting away from Allie’s face and bouncing around the room in seemingly erratic movements. Whatever puzzle she was working on, her brain must have been going into overdrive. She scrunched her whole face together, held it that way for a couple of seconds, then suddenly snapped her eyes back open.

She stared directly into Allie’s soul… or at least that’s how it felt.

“Allie, how do you feel in Allan’s body?”

“Like right now? Achy, barfy, slow thoughts, head pounding…”

Jessica shook her head. “No, I’m referring to how you feel in a general sense, without the temporary side effects of swapping.”

Allie rolled her eyes.

Not this shit again…

“Are you talking about how it feels to have a dick? Because it’s kinda fucking hard to describe if you’ve never had one before.”

“Sort of, that’s part of it, but not quite what I’m getting at. Does it feel… good? Bad? Comfortable? Distressing?”

Allie took a bit to respond, thinking back to the couple of hours she’d spent since the night prior as Allan.

Do I want to admit how comfortable I really felt…? That would be weird, right?

She ended up shrugging. “Dunno, it was fine, I guess.”

Jessica gave her a pointed look. “Just fine? You seemed to be enjoying yourself quite a bit, appearing more happy and relaxed than the tightly-wound girl I saw post return-swap, and then moreso in Kat’s body.”

“Look, can you blame me? It’s Kat. I’ve had an unrequited crush on her for eons. Suddenly becoming her and having all that… baggage…” She realized that she had unconsciously reached up to cup her nonexistent boobs and quickly slammed her hands down on her lap. “It was a lot to take in at once, okay?”

“No, this isn’t only because of a crush, though that certainly must not have helped. You were still more uncomfortable as yourself than as a man.” Jessica reached out her hand and clasped Allie’s within. “I know we’ve only just met… in this universe, at least… but you can trust me. You can tell me the truth about how you’re feeling. If you want to, that is.”

I do want to. But you’ll judge me. There’s always judgement with these things.

Allie didn’t respond, looking down at the floor. Jessica, probably sensing that she wasn’t going to get more out of her, sighed and backed off, letting go of her hand.

And in that moment, Allie realized she needed her. Needed to tell her. Needed to get this off her chest, right now, or else she’d explode.

She scrambled to grab hold of Jessica’s hand again before it went too far.

“N-no, Jess, I want to tell you. You…” She gulped. “You have to promise no judgement. No ridicule.”

Jessica crossed her fingers. “I swear. This is a judgement-free zone.”

Allie sighed.

“Look, I don’t… I don’t know why I feel so uncomfortable about admitting this, but…” She clenched her teeth together and groaned, the words straining to come out. “It’s… it’s nice. Comfortable. Strong. Powerful. I feel confident in ways I never thought I could before. Like, I want to go out and buy myself a nice suit and make out with a bridesmaid at a wedding I just crashed. I just… it’s wrong to feel this way, you know? I’m a… a girl, after all. A tomboy, sure, but…”

Jessica blinked. A slight smile curled up at the edge of her lips.

“Allie, do you know the meaning of the word ‘dysphoria’?”

Allie struggled, ping-ponging between similar-sounding words, but couldn’t find a definition. “I know about, like, body dysmorphia? Is it like that?” Which she definitely suspected she had.

“Ehh… not quite. Having dysmorphia means that one’s self-perception of how they appear to the world is distorted from objective reality, whereas dysphoria results from an incongruity between how one feels on the inside and how one actually looks on the outside.”

Allie shrugged. “Okay, and what about it?”

“There’s a specific kind of dysphoria that relates to a difference between one’s internal sense of gender and their external appearance of it, called gender dysphoria.”

Ohh, now that sounded somewhat familiar. But Allie couldn’t place her finger on why.

“If someone is internally a man, but appears to the world as a woman, that would be cause to trigger a feeling of gender dysphoria in someone. The same thing would happen if a woman was appearing to the world as a man, or if a person not part of the gender binary was forced to take part in it.”

Not part of the binary… Non-binary… Wait, hold on, was this…?

“Does this have something to do with… transgenderism?” Allie asked, her heart suddenly racing, though she didn’t know why.

Jessica made a face. “Yes, but please don’t call it that. Being transgender is not an ‘ism’, nor an ideology.”

“Oh, sorry…”

Allie hadn’t had much, if any, experience with transgenderi- the concept of being transgender before. Sure, she was a staunch supporter of the LGBTQIA+, being part of it herself, but that didn’t mean she really got it. Growing up, transgenders- trans people had really only shown up in the media, not her real life, and usually with not so stellar representation. She’d watched Ace Ventura and laughed her ass off at the reveal at the end of the movie along with the rest of her friends – she cringed, remembering how insensitive she had been just a few years ago, in the name of fitting in. Nowadays, she erred on the side of caution and tried to ‘let people be people’, as long as they weren’t hurting anyone else.

Trying to be fine with it didn’t make the concept any easier to understand, though. How could people just… do that? Just change their genders? Put on a disguise and try to fool the world forevermore? Biologically, it didn’t make any sense, and wouldn’t you still be unhappy just being an imitation of the gender you wanted to look like?

But importantly… why was Jessica bringing this up now of all times?

No… does she…?

Allie’s eyes widened in horror. “You’re not saying you think this transgender stuff has anything to do with me, do you??” Her heartbeat quickened even further.

Jessica furled her brow, confusion evident on her face. “Well… yes. I am saying that. Only you can know for sure, but in my limited experience, that feeling of comfort you describe having in Allan’s body and the discomfort displayed in your behaviors and body language in the body of a girl, be it Kat’s or your own…”

Nononononono.

Allie’s heart was trying to break out of her chest with all its might.

“Allie, have you ever considered the idea that you might be tra-”

“NO NO NO NO NO NO. SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. I am NOT one of those.” Allie shocked herself at how intense and vicious her own words were. Her deep, male voice booming through the room did nothing to help matters.

“Excuse me?! What do you mean, ‘one of those’?” Jessica was taken aback.

“I’m not one of those… those perverts! What the fuck! How could you even say that about me?!” She was saying those words? She felt so disconnected from her voice.

It was filled with vitriol. Anger.

Terror.

“What the hell?!” Jessica shot back, standing up and backing away as if she didn’t even want to be near Allie. “You’re a fucking transphobe?”

“W-what? No I’m not! I’m-” she started automatically, only to realize that she didn’t have any words that could justify what she’d just said. Her façade of acceptance was crumbling all around her as she was confronted with that horrible, awful accusation. Something dark had stirred up within her, from somewhere in her past, and she had reacted with the worst kind of defense mechanism.

“You’re not, huh? Then what exactly do you call someone who makes statements like that about trans people?”

“N-no, I didn’t… I didn’t mean it like…” Her anger and indignation was quickly giving way to shame and fear. The world was falling away from underneath her.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, okay??” Her feelings were piling up, straining against some internal blockage. “I don’t… I don’t know where that came from! I don’t think transgenders- trans people, sorry! Sorry! Fuck!” Her eyes felt itchy. “I don’t think they’re perverts! I just… I’m not… I can’t be… I’m not! I’m not I’m not I’m not!!” She was crying now, which surprised her. Usually she was able to hold back her all-too-frequent desire to cry, but it just felt better now. Cathartic, maybe, as if it was deserved for once.

“I… I’m sorry. I need… air. I’m… uh…” Jessica waved her arms in front of her, as if trying to cut through the emotions hanging in between them. “I can’t deal with... I’m sorry I pushed… Uh… I’ll be… I need to…” Seemingly unable to finish any of her sentences, she fled out the front door, slamming it shut in her haste.

Allie was left crying on the couch, alone and confused. She buried her head in a pillow and let the tears fall out.

“Everything alright in here…?” Kat’s voice said, in a tone that betrayed she already knew it wasn’t.

No, that’s Allan, so… he. Or maybe not, maybe he’s trans. If Jess thinks I am, what’s stopping us from having that in common too? Goddamn it I’m not fucking trans though!!

She didn’t say any of this out loud, choosing instead to clutch the pillow tightly to her chest.

The futon creaked slightly, presumably under the weight of the newly petite Allan sitting down next to her. A small hand reached around her broad shoulders, just barely able to grab onto her upper arm.

“Heard your yelling from the bathroom, and the door… are you doing okay? Wait, of course not… what’s going on? If you want to tell me, that is.”

Allie shook her head, feeling the comforting sensation of her beard scratching against the pillow.

Goddamn this all to hell.

“Well… I’ll be here if you need me, sis.”

Sis.

Dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria.

Something ignited within Allie.

The idea was revolting, rebelling against everything she wanted to do in that moment, but… she had to know.

She tore her face away from the pillow, leaving behind a puddle of snot, connected to her beard by a small strand of mucus. “D-don’t… please don’t… call me that.”

Allan looked puzzled. “You don’t want me to call you ‘sis’? I mean, I know you’re not actually my sister, but I thought it was a fun term of endearment to use while you’re stuck here.” He got up to grab a tissue box from the sill looking into the kitchen, passing it to Allie. She was silently grateful as she cleaned herself up.

“No, it’s… not that. Being your sibling, I’m fine with. But…” She shook her head, not knowing where this was coming from, but feeling it had to be said. “Could you maybe try… calling me your… brother?”

Allan blinked. He blinked again. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Because you’re in my body, or…?” Then his eyes widened. “Shit, is the brain stuff progressing?”

Allie shook her head quickly. “No, uh… It’s not… brain stuff. I don’t even fucking know if there was ever any brain stuff going on anymore. Just… could you humor me for a sec? A test of my own… I guess.”

Allan puckered his lips together, as if tasting something sour. Then he sighed.

“Fine. I can’t say I get it, but if that’s what you want, then that’s what I’ll do… bro.”

Something fluttered within Allie.

That same warm feeling of comfort she got when feeling her patchy beard rub against the fabric of the pillow, or seeing her flat chest in the mirror.

Shit.

If this… and that was… that meant… and…

Shit.

Her vision started to collapse in on itself. She could hear quick, ragged breathing but couldn’t identify where from.

“Allie!” She felt the pressure on her upper arm let go, moving to her right hand instead. “Slow breaths. Deep breaths. Stay with me. You’re okay, man.”

Warmth.

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit-

How could something that felt so bad… also feel so good?!

Allan.

Allan might be tr-

Might be like me.

Maybe he’ll get it if I can just talk.

If I can get words out.

If I can breathe.

“Breathe along with me. In…”

She felt the hand gripping hers squeeze more tightly.

“And out…”

The hand released.

“In…”

She tried to control her breathing, to time it with the squeezing, but she couldn’t.

“Out…”

This time, she managed to make the airflow go outwards for the entire time.

Unsteadily, but still.

“In…”

Slow, deep breath. A little hitch.

“And out…”

One continuous breath outwards.

Slowly, through the breathing, Allie could feel her tunnel vision start to recede. The sounds of birds chirping faintly outside (and some commotion from the bathroom) could once again be heard.

She turned to look at Allan, who displayed a cute look of concern on Kat’s face, subtly different from the expression Kat would make in a similar situation.

“You good, bro?”

Warm tinglies.

She gave a long exhale.

“Have you ever… felt like you were missing a huge part of yourself? Like you were ignoring a basic need, like water or air, but it had been going on so long that it was just… normal? Until you got a bit of it, and then suddenly you realized how much you desperately needed it?”

She was rambling, unable to stop talking now that she’d uncorked the bottle, but she didn’t care.

Allan’s expression was indiscernible, but she noticed that he’d started pulling at Kat’s skirt a bit.

She continued.

“And then… you realized that… no matter how much you needed it… you couldn’t have it? Because then everyone would hate you and you’d be all alone?”

Allan adjusted himself, almost imperceptibly.

“Allie, why… why would anyone hate you for fulfilling a basic need?”

“Because… because it’s not fucking right! It’s not okay, it’s unnatural, it’s disgusting, it’s perverted…” She took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself before she went down another spiral. “…or at least that’s what everyone says. And thinks. And acts on.”

“Jesus, Allie, who the fuck hurt you?” Allan gave Allie an awkward hug from her side, trying to make do with her newfound immobility. “What kind of basic fucking need could possibly be seen that way?”

Allie’s lip quivered.

“The need… the need to become something you’re not allowed to be. Something you can’t be.”

She was tearing up again.

“Allie, what…?” Allan was starting to shake a bit. “What do you…? I don’t…”

She let out a guttural roar.

“I NEED TO BE YOU, GODDAMN IT!”