“Querida, is everything okay? You keep squirming in your seat like you have ants in your pants.”

They were speaking Spanish and Maria’s idiom didn’t translate perfectly, but the sentiment was interpreted correctly by Amber’s English-dominant brain. They were waiting for their food to be brought out at Kerry Street Café, where Amber had suggested they go for brunch. Unfortunately, every other student at Salinas U decided they too wanted brunch at Kerry, so the place was packed and they’d needed to wait in the foyer for nearly an hour and a half for a small corner table to open up. During that time, her anxiety had been building and building as the two made small talk, where there were a few things Amber had to stumble her way through as best she could without complete knowledge of their ‘shared’ history.

“Yeah, Mom, it’s… something about these jeans, I dunno.” She’d changed into the kind of clothes Matt’s closeted self had purchased, which meant an outfit that would have suited his new body somewhat better than his old one: ill-fitting men’s jeans, both tight and loose in all the wrong places; a navy-blue t-shirt in a unisex cut with some abstract design she doesn’t recognize; and of course, staple of many eggs, the Dysphoria Hoodie™, this particular one in a forest green. None of it flattered her new curves, which was probably for the best to keep up appearances, despite how uncomfortable it made her. Unfortunately, that discomfort was hard to sit with after feeling the relief of a properly-fitting body in properly-fitting clothes for the first time ever.

“I keep telling you, mija, it’s those men’s jeans you like wearing so much. Your hips are much too wide for them, and your butt is so-”

“Mom!” she hissed, eyes darting around, hoping nobody overheard. “You know Spanish isn’t some secret language nobody else in Texas understands, right?”

In response, Maria just chuckled and took a sip of her un-iced water. She was just about the same Mom as ever, down to her dislike of cold water due to a tooth sensitivity. The smoking was new, as were some of the wrinkles, but it still felt basically normal, and Amber was almost glad for the constant reminders from her jeans that she had a role to play lest she let something slip.

“So, uh… how’s Danny doing?” she asked, hesitantly wanting to both change the subject and fill the silence, and hoping the innocent-sounding question didn’t unexpectedly cause any issues. Maria just rolled her eyes and set down her glass.

“He’s still not talking to me much, and Hugo doesn’t tell me anything when he’s staying with him at his new place, you know. You’ve probably spoken with him more recently than me, come to think of it.” Maria’s brow wrinkled a bit, forming a hint of concern on her face. “He hasn’t gotten quiet and angry with you too, has he?”

“Angry at me?” Even though the reason should probably have been obvious to a Matt in her position, Amber’s curiosity won out.

“For… taking my side, I suppose.” Maria sighed, swirling the straw around her glass. “You’d hope that an overload of gifts wouldn’t sway a child, but he’s only thirteen. He still sees rules and punishments as unfair and meaningless, regardless of the intent to keep him safe and steer him away from going down bad paths. But of course, when you have one parent who wants to impose boundaries and restrictions and another that lets him do all manner of irresponsible things and lavishes him with gifts upon gifts…” She pinched her temples, trying to dispel the headache that was surely coming on. “I hope that someday soon, he’ll realize that what your father’s doing is tantamount to bribery, not love.”

Amber thought of her own parents’ divorce, her own Danny, and her own father doing the same thing to them both when she was Danny’s age. “I can’t imagine it’ll work on him for too long. He’s young, but he’s pretty smart.” He figured it out at ten already, she wanted to add, but opted to drink from her orange juice instead.

“I hope you’re right about that.” Maria sighed and slumped back in her booth seat a little. “It… breaks my heart, the way he looks at me. Like I’m a monster that’s doing this to our family, tearing us apart, rather than Hugo refusing to admit the mental abuse he’s put on all of us for years that I’m trying to get away from. To get us all away from, if the courts can manage it.” Her eyes glistened, and Amber instinctively reached out a hand to clasp one of hers. “Sometimes I wonder… if I could have made it five more years, until Danny was of age, would that have been better? Am I being selfish, looking out for myself before him?” She sniffled.

Amber quickly shook her head. “God, Mom, no, of course not! Hell, a couple years earlier would have been just fine!” she said, with all the foresight granted by her own parents’ divorce. It had been rough at the start, sure, but her family was much better off now emotionally, if not financially. Her father was still as self-centered as ever, but at least he only had himself to hurt now… excepting visitation weekends, but it was good enough. As an adult, she barely spoke to him anymore, and her mental health had never been better.

Still in the gutter, mind you, but at least the water was a bit cleaner.

Maria smiled weakly, then fished out a tissue from her purse and dabbed just below her eyes. “I guess we’ll never know, but it’s better late than never.” Amber managed to turn an accidental knowing smile into a small nod and pursed-lips expression of ‘yup, I guess so’.

They sat in silence for a bit, Amber feeling like she didn’t want to continue that train of thought but not knowing where to go from there. Thankfully, her mom decided to speak up and save them from the lull.

“So, this project that you and Katherine are working on! Tell me about it! Is it for a class, or one of your ‘personal projects’?” Maria asked, her face brightening from its former wistfulness.

Maybe not thankfully after all.

In the span between being invited to breakfast and now, Amber had been thinking about what to tell her, but she hadn’t settled on anything. Telling the truth was obviously out of the question, as was telling a complete lie; Amber wasn’t the worst at fibbing, but she needed some kernels of truth mixed in with the lie for her brain to make it convincing. But what kernels should pop forth from her mouth? Should she come out for Matt, as him? No, that would be outing him… but maybe it would make it easier for his mom to believe him when he came back? As it stood, nobody was going to believe the instant magical transition wasn’t just a strange attempt at identity theft, much like she had insisted the first night Matt arrived in her world. God, was that only two nights ago?

Hmm… she couldn’t come out to Matt’s mom, but maybe she could test the waters for her own coming-out and gauge how Maria felt about the subject? In any case, she had to say something! This pause was becoming far too long to not seem like she wasn’t trying to make something up!

“Um… so, it’s a bit awkward to talk about…” she stalled as she finished piecing together what she would say.

Maria chuckled. “I figured. That was a rather long pause. But querida,” she said, squeezing the hand Amber was holding hers with, “you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

Amber sighed. It was now or never.

“Mom… what do you know about the concept of being transgender?”

Maria’s face froze. Her smile faltered a bit, and her eyebrows became ever-so-slightly furrowed.

“Uh… not much, I have to admit. It’s when men dress like women so they can date other men, right?”

Amber blinked. She was expecting some weird misconceptions, but not… that.

“…You know that gay men exist, right?”

“Yes, of course, they’re being open about it now. But when I was growing up, same-sex dating was highly frowned upon, so the men that chose to date other men had to pretend to be women so they wouldn’t be harassed.” Her brows furrowed even more. “How does this have something to do with your project…?”

“Mom… I just… wow.” Amber couldn’t help but make a pained expression. “You’re so incredibly off the mark with that.” She then launched into a diatribe of what she’d learned from the research she’d done as a ‘good little cis male ally’, as well as the new stuff she’d been trying her hardest to internalize from the day prior. Her mom nodded slowly, clearly still confused but receptive, so Amber pressed on, but had to stop when she launched into the topic of enbys and her mom’s eyes began to glaze over.

“Sorry, Mom, I know that was kind of an information overload, but I felt it was important to clear stuff up sooner rather than later.” Hopefully, in doing so, this would make things easier for Matt when he came out. Maybe she would even do some of her own research in the meantime.

Maria took a long, slow drink from her cup before speaking. “I didn’t really understand a lot of what you said, but from what I gathered… the world has certainly changed a lot from when I was in school.” Her brow wrinkled. “But, mi amor, what sort of project are you working on that requires you learn all this? It really seems like you know a lot on the subject…”

Shit, I do, don’t I? And yet, it took until yesterday to shake some sense into me about my own stuff… God, I want to facepalm so hard right now.

“Yeah, Kat and I did a bunch of research and educated ourselves about this stuff for a… story I’m writing, with her help. It’s about two trans people, a guy and a girl, who don’t know they’re trans yet and end up switching bodies, and through that they end up first figuring out they’re more comfortable in the opposite body, and then later, why.” Easiest lie ever: just tell the fantastical truth and frame it as a fictional story! Perfection!

Matt’s mom didn’t seem to agree, though. “You set out to write a story about two transgenders” – Amber winced at the term but let it slide – “without knowing anything about the subject to begin with? What made you want to write such a thing, then?”

Amber just shrugged. “I got the creative itch, what can I say? And who says you can’t write about stuff that interests you at a surface level and learn more deeply along the way?”

Maria looked at her pointedly. “Mijita, I’m your mother. That you’re writing again after so long, and about such a new topic that you have to do deep research… It just raises some questions for me.”

Amber sighed. Her own mom was able to read her just as well.

“Look, Mom, the truth is… it’s just… it’s way more complicated, and it involves stuff I can’t tell you.”

“Why not? Allison…” Maria reached out with her other hand and motioned for Amber to place hers in it. “If you’re gay, or…” She faltered. “…or a transgender, I promise, nothing will change the love I have for you.”

Amber smiled. She’s a little confused, but she’s got the spirit, and that’s all I was hoping for.

“It’s not that, Mom, it’s about…” Matt. I can’t tell you for him. “…other people in my life that trusted me not to talk about things with anyone. Even you.”

Maria pursed her lips, head sinking down a bit, then closed her eyes and nodded slowly. “So, the research you’re doing… is for a friend? Not a story you’re writing?” She looked back up at Amber, a little sadly. “It’s been a while since you’ve written anything, hasn’t it? I enjoyed reading your little stories back in elementary school, even if your handwriting was nearly illegible for an ESL learner…”

Amber barely held in a snort, recalling some snippets of what she now realized were distinctly eggy stories she had written all throughout her childhood, up until junior year of high school. Maybe she should turn this whole ordeal into a novel of some sort…

“No, the story is real,” she admitted, the creative itch having caught her and assuring that this would become reality sooner rather than later, so it wasn’t really a fib. “Looking into LGBTQ+ topics for my friends kind of reignited that spark I had.”

At this, Matt’s mom’s face lit up. “That’s wonderful to hear! I’m glad to hear you have a passion that isn’t just staring at screens all day!”

Amber chuckled. “Well, you see, I don’t exactly write by hand anymore…”

“Of course not,” Maria groaned. “Everything’s on the computer these days, isn’t it?” Her jokingly pained expression softened into a small smile. “I’m happy you’re helping your friends too. God only knows I wouldn’t be much help there.”

“Honestly, Mom, with some education… I think you’d do just fine.” Amber gave her a big smile. Maria was about to respond when the conversation was interrupted by the arrival of a waiter with their delicious-smelling food. Amber’s mouth watered at the smell of her chilaquiles, and Matt’s mom was looking at her own plate just as ravenously as she felt. They glanced at each other, and in silent agreement, any and all conversation was tabled until their own table was cleared of all this yumminess.

* * *

Conversation on the way back to Matt’s apartment was much more relaxed than it had been on the trip to the diner. After all, Mom was still Mom, regardless of universe specifics, and Amber had always gotten along well with her. As they pulled into the parking space designated for the apartment, Amber was regaling Maria with the story of the first time her group had played Super Tape Smash. Maria shut off the car’s engine and turned in her seat to look at her, which is when Amber noticed the peculiar expression on her face. She wore a smile but had a sort of wistful look in her eyes, which Amber was having trouble connecting with anything she had said.

“Mom, are you doing okay?” she asked, figuring directness was best.

“Oh, ah, yes, sorry…” Maria sniffled and pulled out a tissue, which she blew into with considerable noise. “It’s just… You seem different today, somehow, in a way I can’t place. It reminds me of when you were younger, ever the smiling social butterfly, before… before you changed.”

Amber frowned. “Changed…? What do you mean, exactly…?”

“I don’t know. You never cooperated with any of the counselors I would bring you to, do you remember? I just know that something happened to make my baby girl so emotionally closed off, yet you swore up and down to everyone I took you to that you weren’t depressed, only misunderstood.” She sniffled again. “But I know my daughter, and I’ve spent so long wishing that I could help you somehow, and today… A bit in the restaurant, and then just now, when you were talking about that ridiculous game you played with your friends, you lit up like I haven’t seen in a decade. I heard it in your voice, I could see it in your eyes, your hands were moving about so animatedly… It’s such a change, even from our video call last week.”

“I… I’m really acting that different now?” Crap, she’d gotten too comfortable.

Maria nodded. “You seem so much better than you have in ages. It makes me so happy to see.” Then her eyes narrowed. “Unless it’s drugs. Mijita, it’s not drugs, is it?”

Amber rolled her eyes. “No, Mom, jesus, it’s not drugs.”

“You promise? Not even marijuana?”

“Promise. Christ.”

“Good. Keep it that way.” Maria smiled, then leaned over and kissed Amber on the forehead. “Whatever it is you are doing… keep doing it.”

“Uhh…” She shrugged. “I have no idea what I’m doing?”

Not like you’d believe me if I told you.

Maria sighed. “Then please, make an effort to figure it out so you can keep doing it. I want my baby girl back full time, you hear me?”

Amber cringed internally, but replied, “Sure thing, Mom.”

I think she’ll just be glad to get a happy child, regardless of gender… and I think my mom will be, too.

Maria walked Amber to the rear door of the apartment, where they gave each other kisses on the cheek then shared a big hug. Amber still felt somewhat disoriented by the fact she and her mom were the same height now, but it made her feel like her mom’s hugs regained some of that feeling of being protected again, like they’d given her when she was a child.

“Good luck with your friend! And send me that story once you’re done! I want to read it! Love you, querida!” Maria called back to her as she got in her car.

“Sure thing! Love you too!” Amber waved.

Welp, guess I’m not putting any smut in there.

She unlocked the door with the spare key she’d found in Matt’s desk and entered his apartment. It was somewhat eerie, seeing a space so similar to her own and yet so different too. She imagined it was similar to how Matt had felt two nights ago, but at least she had the full context of why it was different. She grabbed her ‘broken’ phone from the bedside table where it had been charging and checked the signal: no bars, as before. So no miraculous third portal opening yet, it seemed. It sure would be helpful to know why the portals opened at all so they could try to force the circumstances to occur again, but they had no leads.

Actually, wasn’t that what Kat said she would look into?

She booted up and unlocked Matt’s computer (which thankfully used the same PIN as her own) and opened Discord, the only way she could think of to contact Kat with her phone (and associated logins) being out of commission.

[12:11 PM] afaultinthepage: Hey Kat you there?

[12:13 PM] katasstrophy42069: yoooo amberrrrr

[12:13 PM] katasstrophy42069: howd your brunch with matts mom go

[12:14 PM] afaultinthepage: Pretty painless, tho nearly slipped up and was too comfortable in Matt’s old skin but it’s all good man 👌

[12:14 PM] katasstrophy42069: dude lol

[12:15 PM] katasstrophy42069: if i didnt know what you were talkin about

[12:15 PM] katasstrophy42069: thats some hannibal lector ass shit

[12:15 PM] afaultinthepage: *Lecter

[12:16 PM] katasstrophy42069: shut your fuck

[12:16 PM] afaultinthepage: Never 💋

[12:16 PM] afaultinthepage: Anyway did you find anything

[12:17 PM] katasstrophy42069: nothing

[12:17 PM] katasstrophy42069: nada

[12:17 PM] katasstrophy42069: zilch

[12:17 PM] katasstrophy42069: wish we could get jess in on this

[12:17 PM] katasstrophy42069: shes science brained enough to figure this out

[12:17 PM] katasstrophy42069: but also too science brained to ever believe us

[12:18 PM] afaultinthepage: Fuck

[12:18 PM] afaultinthepage: Maybe my Jess and the other two are onto something

[12:18 PM] katasstrophy42069: would be good

[12:19 PM] katasstrophy42069: wed never know tho

[12:19 PM] katasstrophy42069: unless they can open the portal from their side without us

[12:19 PM] katasstrophy42069: or things just work out again

[12:19 PM] katasstrophy42069: for a third damn time

[12:20 PM] afaultinthepage: Fuck

[12:20 PM] afaultinthepage: Just

[12:20 PM] afaultinthepage: Fuck

[12:20 PM] katasstrophy42069: yeh

[12:20 PM] katasstrophy42069: big fuck

[12:20 PM] katasstrophy42069: want me to come over

[12:21 PM] katasstrophy42069: AND KEEP YOU COMPANY

[12:21 PM] katasstrophy42069: NOT FUCK

[12:21 PM] afaultinthepage: lol

[12:21 PM] katasstrophy42069: JUST REALIZED WHAT THOSE MESSAGES COULD MEAN

[12:21 PM] katasstrophy42069: IN THAT ORDER

[12:22 PM] katasstrophy42069: asldhsdaofnwaefoin

[12:22 PM] afaultinthepage: lololol

[12:22 PM] afaultinthepage: Sure thing

[12:22 PM] katasstrophy42069: aight coo

[12:22 PM] afaultinthepage: So… no fucking? I mean you’re basically my girlfriend

[12:22 PM] katasstrophy42069: alsdhjaeoprad

[12:22 PM] katasstrophy42069: NO

[12:22 PM] katasstrophy42069: i know you prolly wanna explore female orgasms but like

[12:22 PM] afaultinthepage: lolol just kidding

[12:23 PM] afaultinthepage: I’d never cheat on you… with… yourself

[12:23 PM] afaultinthepage: This shit’s so weird😵

[12:23 PM] katasstrophy42069: no fucking kidding

[12:23 PM] katasstrophy42069: also no fucking

[12:23 PM] afaultinthepage: Fiiiiine, gosh

[12:24 PM] afaultinthepage: 😉

[12:24 PM] katasstrophy42069: can you pls stay in this universe

[12:24 PM] katasstrophy42069: sorry sorry bad joke

[12:24 PM] afaultinthepage: Yeah maybe a bit

[12:25 PM] katasstrophy42069: fuck sorry sorry sorry 🙏

[12:25 PM] afaultinthepage: You good fam lol

[12:25 PM] afaultinthepage: Just relishing in the fact that I can be so confident and flirtatious now

[12:25 PM] afaultinthepage: Who knew the only thing holding me back was genderfuck?

[12:26 PM] afaultinthepage: My Kat’s gonna love the new me

[12:26 PM] katasstrophy42069: totes not jelly gaaah

[12:26 PM] katasstrophy42069: headin out nao

[12:26 PM] katasstrophy42069: cya

[12:26 PM] afaultinthepage: 👋

Amber locked the machine, stood up, and immediately flopped onto Matt’s bed face down, whimpering as her boobs took the brunt of the impact. Right, she was gonna have to learn not to do that. She groaned and rolled over a bit so she could grab her phone from the table and noticed the picture there for the first time. She’d been familiar with her copy, so it hadn’t really processed before, but there was her family: Mom, Dad, Danny, and herself.

Well, Matt, technically, but who was counting.

She grabbed it instead of her phone and laid back onto the pink comforter, staring at the photo and sighing.

This was the photo she should have on the bedside table in her apartment. Not one with ‘him’. This was the childhood she should have had, but was given to Matt instead, who almost definitely wished he could have had hers.

How fucking unfair.

If she’d grown up here, with this body, she wouldn’t have had to suffer for so long… or at least not specifically with gender stuff. And now, even with the body of her dreams, when she went back to her world, she’d have to deal with twentyish years of history in that old, masculine frame. How would she be treated by her friends? Her family? The government? She’d like to think she knew how her friends would react, and at least now had some idea of her mom, but she didn’t know for sure about most of them. What about Danny? And abuelita? And everyone else…? She lived in Texas, for god’s sake! Salinas may have been a spot of progressive blue, but it was drowning in an ocean of deep red.

She groaned, turning again to bury her head in her Matt’s pillow.

And that was if she could even get back at all. They had no leads, no clue how to make lightning strike thrice, no idea if there was a time limit or anything before the universal axes left alignment or someone unplugged a noisy fan in Denmark or whatever random causal link was broken. If someone else had reproduced their results, how would they even know about it unless the destination happened to be one of their specific two dimensions? There could be infinitely many! And then the information would have to get published somewhere, then it would have to be archived somewhere findable with search terms as vague as ‘interdimensional travel through puddle of water while raining’ or any number of variations on the theme. Hell, maybe it had nothing to do with the water at all! There was literally no way to know.

A thought was poking through unbidden, something she hadn’t wanted to even touch with a ten foot pole, but when faced with the hopelessness of the situation and the abject terror she felt about being trans in the world (because regardless of her cis-presenting body, her mind was certainly not, and it would be impossible to hide her lack of lived experience, and there was a connecting trail of documents and memories that would always lead back to ‘him’ no matter what she did), it was becoming more and more appealing.

Jessica’s idea had happened.

They were each in the worlds corresponding to their bodies.

It would be so much easier to just… not go back.

To stay here, take Matt’s place, become the daughter his mom thought she was.

She could even date Kat again, if those messages were anything to go by.

Sure, some things were different between their worlds, but were they really worth it?

Worth fighting this force of nature to get back?

Worth fighting the social forces of being trans in a world that was so openly cruel to people like her?

Maybe… maybe that second portal was a blessing in disguise.

Sierraffinity

We're back, baby! Sorry for the lengthy delay in getting a new chapter out, I've been dealing with a lot of real life stuff as well as facing a cheeky li'l bit of writer's block. But hey, we got through it in the end!

Thanks to CassieSandwich and rooibos_chai for helping me finally bring this chapter to fruition; go check them out, they write goodly!