Content Warning: transphobia, internalized transphobia, self-hatred
Danny rested his head against his hand while he looked through his notes for his next class. He had maybe another hour before it actually started, but Chemistry was by far his weakest subject and he needed the time to wrap his head around… Atomic Theory. He groaned as he slammed the notebook shut. Danny was sick of reading about Dalton’s Atomic Theory, Bohr’s Theory, Rutherford-
He stood up from the lunch table, a sense of displeasure and boredom firing through him. His mind raced, his heart pounded, everything about him felt like someone had stepped on the gas and his engine was roaring to life. He hardly realized his breath was coming in slow, guttural, fervid gasps. He felt trapped. Danny felt as if he was surrounded by a force, a pressure bearing down on him.
‘Darren,’ a voice echoed in his head, though he hardly knew it to be a voice. He didn’t have time to recognise that it was even someone talking to him as his mind swirled dizzyingly. ‘Darren!’ He put a hand on the table to steady himself, his body and mind buzzing nauseatingly. ‘Darren, listen to me if you can. You need to get out of here, get out of the lunch room. The ambient emotions of the crowd are overstimulating you. You need to leave before you draw more attention to yourself.’
Danny looked around himself, noticing that yes, quite a few people were staring. Why were they..? His eyes burned as sweat beaded and dripped in, he could smell himself too. Everything looked brighter, felt warmer and colder, the sounds were loude-
Danny’s whole world up-ended when he felt something tug him forcefully backwards. He felt like he had no sense of balance, as if gravity had shifted and he was falling through the air. His feet scrambled to catch themselves, but the harder he tried to stand still the harder the force pulling him was. It pulled him out of the cafeteria then out the side-doors of the building towards the lawn where it dropped him off. Danny fell to his back gasping for breath, his hands gripped at his pounding heart.
Jericho leaned over Danny, holding Danny’s face in his hands. “Breathe, dude, just breathe.” Danny tried focusing his eyes on Jericho. He could hear him, but it was muffled and nearly indiscernible through the ringing in his ears. “You’re going to be okay, Sticks. Just close your eyes and breathe.” Danny closed his eyes and tried to do as Jericho instructed. Danny had no idea how much time passed between Jericho bringing him outside into the grass and when it finally felt like he wasn’t being crushed.
Once Danny began to catch his breath he could feel a burn rising in his eyes, a wave of nauseating panic firmly settled in the pit of his stomach. He had gone from feeling trapped to feeling alone over the span of a few minutes. He didn’t understand the cause of such emotional whiplash, but-
“You good, Darren? Ariana knew I had class soon and texted me to check up on you, said something about you having a rough start to your day.” Jericho was kneeling down next to Danny, trying to get him to focus. He kept hearing that name, it felt like people were directing it at him but it didn’t resonate like it should.
‘It should, it’s your name.’ Babel said to him. The way she said it sounded like the way an adult would talk to a confused child, like somehow he was misremembering or forgetting something important. It was several moments before she broke the silence between them again, her words coming quietly, being as unprovocative as she could be. ‘You were overstimulated in the crowd. Your ability to sense emotions and directed intentions has gotten stronger. You need to learn how to block these things out. Are you listening to me Dar-,’ Babel paused for a moment, he could feel her consideration. ‘Are you listening to me, Danny?’
He let out a long sigh, placing the palms of his hands over his eyes before nodding. There was recognition with the name Danny, that was his name… wasn’t it? Danny… Danny… Dannielle-
“Hey, you there, Sticks?” Jericho asked. He moved one of Danny’s hands from his eye, looking into his pupil, shading and unshading it, gauging its reactions. He tried to pull down Danny’s other hand, but he kept it held firmly in place. “Hey, lemme see your other eye.” Danny looked up at him with his exposed eye and felt a pit forming in his stomach. He wanted to let Jericho finish his light examination, but there was something else deep inside of him. A small piece was hesitant, untrusting, and fearful. It wanted to lash out at Jericho, protect itself, keep itself hidden. The longer Danny acknowledged this feeling the bigger it felt. He felt as if his body began to vibrate with it, every inch of Danny echoing in fervent rapaciousness.
Danny grunted and doubled over, pain shooting from his shoulders to his fingertips. He held his hands close to his body, hiding them from Jericho, from everyone. It felt like his shoulders were ready to come out of their sockets, a pain of sharp fire running from the muscles and through the joints. Danny watched as his nails lengthened again, darkening to an oil-black, their tips finishing to dangerous points. The echo became violent images, jumping Jericho, using his new claws to rip into him, to silence him and to preserve herse-
“Go away, Jericho. I’m having a bad day and I don’t want you here!” Danny said, his voice quivering and hoarse.
“You’re not okay, Sticks! At least let me help you to the nurses-”
“NO!” Danny interrupted. “Leave me alone! Don’t touch me, just leave!” Danny yelled from where he sat. “Just tell Ariana I made you go. I don’t need someone keeping tabs on me, I’m a grown man!” He’d never used those words to describe himself before, a grown man, he hated the insinuation the moment he said it.
“Fine,” Jericho sighed, standing up. “I know something’s up, but I’m not going to push it, alright? If nothing else, talk to Ariana about it. You have my number, throw me a text when you feel like it, alright? I’ll… see you later.” Jericho walked away without another word. No judgmental glare, no guilt-tripping, nothing besides acceptance. As Danny’s shoulders and arms continued burning he wished he’d have said something, confided in Jericho, but the little piece of himself wouldn’t allow it.
‘You need to calm down. Somehow the Meta is feeding you energy it siphoned and you’re tapping into it,’ Babel explained.
“What’s happening to me?” Danny asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He looked at his hands as he felt some of the burn crawl up his forearms and into his knuckles, making him wince as he heard them clicking and popping.
‘Basic fight or flight. You tapped into the energy the Meta is feeding you and you chose to fight. You’re self-actualizing your fight response. All Demons self-actualize, it just depends how they do.’
“I’m… not… a… DEMON,” Danny grunted to himself, trying to push the feeling down, only for his shoulders to feel like someone had just compressed him. The sound was akin to bones breaking combined with a meaty popping as his body constricted on itself. His face burned from the heat his body threw off, sweat dripping from his nose and chin as his breaths came slowly and haggard. Both Danny and Babel sat in silence while he regained himself, the burning and pain in his shoulders and arms lessening.
‘I don’t understand you, Danny.’
“What’s not to understand?”
‘Your body is Male, your desire is Female, yet you’re disgusted by yourself and fight to remain as you are. Even as your own body turns against you and gives in to your desires, still you remain unwilling to allow yourself to have what you desire. I don’t understand it. I know you’re trans, why not let yoursel-’
“Because it’s wrong! I’m wrong. It is disgusting! I’M DISGUSTING! What kind of man wants to be a woman? It’s sick! If I really was trans, then why don’t I like men, huh? Why would I want to do anything to change how I am, when I have the woman I want as I am!? Besides, even if I did go through with it, transition, it’s too late for me. I’d be a man with small, saggy breasts, disgustingly disproportionate, plus I’d still look like a man, even if I had long hair and laser hair removal. It’s just the way things are, I’m not meant to be like that and I need to accept it.” Danny felt his eyes burning as tears spilled down his cheeks.
**
Babel was stunned into silence. She had hoped that if not eager, Danny would at least be willing to go through with and focus on his transformation. This level of self hate was something she hadn’t quite expected. Even as Danny wept as quietly as he could, she could feel the choked sobs and soul-wrenched cries he desperately wished to do. She could feel his distress, and though she fed on it, it felt wrong somehow. Like stealing from a child who had very little to begin with. Why did that matter, though? Babel didn’t care about the everyday ‘Right and Wrongs’, she was above them, as were her goals to achieve.
She manifested ever so slightly, her form transparent and no denser than thick air, and kneeled down to Danny and put a hand on his head. She felt a need to comfort him, to share with him the fact that everything will turn out fine, that as much fun as she made of him she honestly thought well of him… didn’t she? There was a mix of revulsion and perversion about Danny, but was that his feelings or hers? If only she’d chosen someone else for this, everything would be going much better. Why did she choose him?
She felt as if her mind was shunted around rapidly, glitching and warping. She could not remember more than meeting him and choosing him. She had chosen him, right? The past twelve years were a blur in her mind, periods of wakefulness and alert activity, spread out inside a maelstrom of fractured images and forgotten reasonings. Even as she was, she could feel it inside of her. The stain of humanity on her mind and soul, the leavings of each person she’d infested over the last twelve years… and now Danny. Him more than the others, but why? She leaned her head against Danny’s as she felt nauseated from the spinning in her mind, feeling his body shudder under the force of his sobs.
**
Danny skipped his next class, unable to get himself under control fast enough to not be a nuisance. He’d ignored the buzzing of his phone; no doubt it was Ariana trying to get in touch with him. He waited for most of the students to get into their classes before he grabbed his stuff and went to the parking lot, where he’d resolved to finally break the silence.
(My Love)
Hey, Jericho told me you had some kind of fit at lunch? Are you alright?
(Me)
No… I’m not alright.
(My Love)
What do you need? Can I help? I can come get you.
(Me)
Yes… please. I’m at the main entrance.
(My Love)
Alright, I’m coming now. I called out of work so I’m going to be with you
again tonight, okay? I don’t want to leave you alone like this.
(Me)
Please hurry
All this internalized transphobia is hitting a little close to home
I wish I could give Danny a hug
I understand how it goes, and I hope it didn't trigger anything but empathy. I would never want to actually trigger Dysphoria or the Internalized Transphobia related trauma. Part of the reason I'm writing her like this is because I want people who aren't Trans to understand that this sort of thing gets deep in you, to the point that it lives in your skin. Trying to spread awareness and sympathy/empathy.
And thank you for the hugs, I'll find some way for her to get it ^-^
@The_Wolf_Among_the_Woods my goddess you are way too good at expressing these emotions thank you for this story
@Nyananne Thank you! I (un)fortunately have experience so I know what it's like. You're welcome, thank you so much for reading it, I'm extremely happy you're enjoying it.
Aw she really need someone to support her on this