Almost a month after Hyraj and Uncle Arl resigned, the last day finally came. A wagon had parked outside the day before, already loaded with the furniture Uncle Arl was taking, Neffie having gone up a week earlier with her mother and Sisi. Not quite right for me to stay alone in a house with a man who wasn’t actually my uncle, I had been staying at the same inn as Hyraj, but my own room, paid for with my own money.

Last week’s goodbye had been hard for me. Sisi squeezing me so tight, asking if I was going to see her there…. I couldn’t lie to kids, not about these kinds of things, so I had honestly told her no. But I didn’t have to leave it at no, not any more.

“One day, I’ll come see you, okay? It might take a few years, but I will always love you.”

I didn’t know if me or Sisi cried more.

Anyway, that was then, this was now. I had popped in with Hyraj over the week to cook for Uncle Arl and us, helping with some cleaning and washing. Well, he could do well enough on his own, more to keep him company. The first time he’d really been apart from Sisi. The first time he’d been alone.

Today was his goodbye to the place he’d lived with his wife, where his child had been born, and where his wife had died.

“Sisi is waiting for you,” I whispered.

He didn’t cry, but, honestly, he had probably run out of tears. His eyes looked red and puffy since me and Hyraj arrived, barely speaking a word. “Am I doing the right thing?” he whispered, his voice hoarse.

“I don’t know, but you’re thinking what about best for Sisi,” I said, then winced. “Th-thinking about what is best for Sisi.”

He chuckled, barely making a sound. “That is it. Then why must I feel as if I am betraying my wife, when I know she would support this?”

“Sometimes, we just want to hurt ourselves, so we have to remember it doesn’t help.” It was more like I felt compelled to answer him than actually had a real answer ready, feeling so stupid even as I said it. Like I knew anything about how he felt.

However, he laughed, a bit of life back in him. “Truth spoken… my thanks. I cannot think of anything anyone has said since her death that has reassured me quite like that.”

Turning away, I rubbed my cheek. “You don’t have to, um, be nice?” I said, unsure of what the best translation of patronise was? It was kind of harsh in their language, but the other one I knew was more like indulge, not quite right.

“Did I not say I was speaking truth? Everyone else, they have always told me not to blame myself, how no one could have seen it coming or done anything about it. They tell me I must be brave for Sisi, how she needs me to be strong. They praise me for doing the things her mother once did.

“What you said… made me feel understood. I do want to hurt myself with these thoughts and they don’t help ease my guilt at all. No, if anything, they make it worse, knowing she wouldn’t…. They aren’t helpful, let us leave it at that. I am already saying too much.”

I wanted to tell him it was okay to tell me, but was it really? All my life, I’d tried to take the kids’ traumas, which was what got me to where I was. I wasn’t an expert. I wasn’t well-adjusted. I felt like a little more wouldn’t hurt, but it did, it always did, I was just numb to the pain. That didn’t mean the pain wasn’t there.

Everyone had burdens to carry, found people to help carry their burdens, maybe swap them, carrying someone else’s burden easier than carrying your own. But I couldn’t carry more burdens.

“I’m sure there will be people with even better advice in the city,” I said, its exact name still something I struggled to remember.

“Perhaps, perhaps not,” he said lightly. Feeling his gaze, I looked at him and he was smiling at me. A gentle smile. Maybe, like an uncle to his niece. I didn’t know, but that was what it felt like, what I wanted it to be.

Then he took a deep breath and turned away from the house. Soon, I watched the wagon slowly leave, keys and deed already handed over. Nothing to keep him here. Not any more.

Hyraj had come to my side when he’d left, but I didn’t really notice until now, her hand finding mine and giving it a squeeze. “My sorry,” I said, mixing two phrases together like the idiot I was.

“Why? Love is a beautiful thing,” she said.

A simple answer that made what I told him sound so childish. I wanted to laugh, but there was too much melancholy stuck in my throat.

As if she knew that, she began to walk after the wagon, tugging me along. I didn’t know why, didn’t ask. We just walked and walked until we crossed the stream, then she took us up into the forest, losing ourselves among the trees. Walking and walking, until I couldn’t walk any more.

Tears already all over my cheeks, I pulled her into a hug, buried myself in the crook of her neck and cried even more. After a moment, her arms engulfed me. She wasn’t much bigger than me, but she felt so strong at times like this. Reliable. Dependable. I never had someone like this before, yet it felt so natural now.

Not alone any more.

By the time I stopped, we were sat under a tree. Well, she was sitting and I was sort of draped across her, kinda embarrassing. But it was okay, her smile when she caught me looking at her as gentle as ever. The smile she only showed me.

We didn’t say anything, not at first, just sat there together. Close enough for me to rest my head against her shoulder, our hands entwined. The only place in either world where I could let go of my burdens. My home.

How long? I was feeling too messed up to get hungry, but she fed me some water, summoning it in her hands. Helped me feel a bit better. Like back home, always trying to get the little ones to drink enough….

“You really don’t wish to be a mother one day?” she quietly asked.

“Do you?” I asked back, trying to make it sound like a joke, but my voice came out croaky. I cleared my throat, then went to say it again only for her to answer.

“It seemed like too great a burden before. However, shared with you, I feel like I could find the joy in it.”

My heart melted. I still didn’t seem to feel “love” as much as her, as much as I should, but she was good at making me feel… soft. This feeling like I wanted to do whatever she asked.

“Well, um, I…” I mumbled, taking me a moment to find an answer, especially since I, uh, knew how babies were made and that was a bit of a problem for us. “Maybe… if we find a little one who… needs a couple of mothers.”

Unsure what I was even saying, I felt reassured when she squeezed my hand. “We need not come to any decision this very moment. That is it, I thought….”

“Thought what?” I asked, so curious after hearing her unusually gentle tone.

“You looked very beautiful when with Sisi,” she said.

I froze up for a good few seconds. “Wh-what?” I said, a nervous laugh coming out.

Slumping over a little, she rested her head on my shoulder. Not expecting it, or used to it, I almost fell over, but managed to get my other hand on the floor in time, supporting us.

“Please do not think ill of me. Seeing how you smiled with her, when speaking of her, I felt quite jealous. As beautiful as I thought you before, I had only glimpsed a trophy bird and now saw her flying among the forest and heard her free song.”

Little by little since we began “dating”, her… compliments had started to, well, affect me. So I didn’t just dismiss them now, but felt them. Especially in my cheeks. A ticklish prickling, a little light-headed, wanting to laugh.

But this was a rare chance to tease her. “Jealous?” I asked.

“Mm, I wanted you to smile so sweetly when thinking of me,” she said, rubbing my shoulder a bit as she settled in. “Now though, thinking I may not see that sweet smile again…. I considered what it would be like to have a child with you and it felt different to before. Meeting Sisi and hearing how you spoke of her, that helped to clear up some doubts. Well, these are idle thoughts, nothing to take seriously at this time. We still have much to do before we settle down, no?”

Sort of getting a bit overwhelmed by what she was saying, I was glad for that little bit at the end, grabbing hold of it. “We do?”

Her hand squeezed mine, not enough to hurt me, not letting go. “At the least, I would like to travel to the southern coast for some time. There are hesale communities in a few of the large cities, from what I have read, so I wish to meet them. Then we would need to go back north to introduce you to my parents. Along the way, we can wander around, finding somewhere nice and quiet for when we do wish to settle down.”

“You… thought about this much?” I asked, heart sort of pounding—feeling like I’d forgotten something? As if thinking of our future was homework I hadn’t done.

She softly laughed, snuggling against me again. “I have spent much time alone this last month and thinking such things eased my aching heart.”

“My apologies—”

Just as I said that, she pushed me over and, not expecting to be pushed, I just fell. Sort of in shock, I lay there blinking as she draped herself over me. “I speak my mind for you to understand, not to guilt you.”

“Okay,” I whispered, softly smiling.

We stayed like that for like a minute, then she asked, “Are you comfortable?”

I giggled. “Yeah,” I said, Sisi’s casual (childish) way of answering something that had stuck with me. “Am I really comfortable that comfortable to lay on?”

“The most comfortable,” she answered without hesitation.

Giggling some more, I moved my hands to her back, loosely holding her. “The little ones liked to do this,” I said.

“Mm, but I am not a little one, am I?” she whispered, something different about her tone. I understood what when she then said: “I am your preferred one. What I like is not the comfort, nor the gentle warmth, but feeling close you.”

A kind of voice I hadn’t heard much in my life, mostly just from the trashy shows some of the oldest girls liked to watch when the younger ones were in bed. Even then, they didn’t sound quite the same, Hyraj’s right now… rather than throaty, it was smooth, deep, and ticklish to hear.

But I didn’t worry. Little by little, we were finding the right boundaries. She was allowed to feel like that and I was allowed to feel how I did. Speaking of things we were allowed to do, I lifted my head and, barely reaching, kissed the top of her head.

As if I’d pressed a switch, she almost jumped, picking herself up just enough to look me in the eye, pleading, her lips pursed. Giggling, I stretched up again and she met me halfway for a gentle kiss. Soft, warm, and it didn’t make me feel like it made her feel, but I didn’t mind it, liked making her feel like that.

Maybe this was too fast, maybe too slow. I had no one to ask and only gossip from my world for a reference. All I knew was that, as long as we took every step when we both wanted to, I didn’t think we’d regret wherever we ended up.

Still, this was what I wanted: a simple life—and someone to live it with.

Not the end, but the beginning.