Snow sighed, slowly making his way back to Rain’s house. On his own!
They had spent the rest of the afternoon discussing VinWei1 Literally vin (hard) + wei (crystal)’s … solution, throwing back and forth names of places he had never been to, names of people he didn't know, and did not want to know. Even ZenTar2Literally zen (silent) + tar (wind), after his initial resistance to the whole plan, had eventually begun to agree with it, giving them ideas, solving this and that problem, planing armed escorts and military gatherings.
From Snow’s point of view, from the moment VinWei had mentioned parading him around the closest Provinces, everything had become a big blur.
His head hurt, he thought, taking a deep breath.
He had done his best to keep up with them, to gather as much information as possible, trying to learn more about himself and about what others thought and knew about the Tien’Elhar. But, at some point, it had all become too much.
And then ZaiWin3Literally zai (blade) + win (chaos). had suddenly interrupted them and had sent him back, telling him that he looked tired and that he probably needed to get some rest.
Maybe he did look tired. But most likely they just had other businesses to discuss, things they did not want him to hear.
Snow kicked a small defenseless rock, sending it tumbling ahead of him.
Once more they were all happily deciding what to do with him, without even bothering to ask him what he thought about the entire matter, he grumbled in his thoughts. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t understand how delicate their situation was, or at least he was trying very hard to understand, with how limited his knowledge about all that … noble-royal-imperial-Temple-things was. But the way they just kept simply ignoring his presence or what he might think about it all, bitterly reminded him that in their eyes he still was some rare thing they had somehow managed to capture. That that dark man, Nox4Literally nox (night). Where Nox is the name of the Clan, also the name of a Province. ZaiWin, had managed to capture. For a moment, since they had arrived in that small village, he had more or less forgotten about that. He childishly wished ZenTar and VinWei had never come!
“Oh, you’re back already!” Rain greeted him the moment he opened the door, and Snow blinked in surprise, since he hadn’t realized he’d already made his way there. “I was just about to deliver you a light evening meal. Is the little lord with you?” she asked, peering behind him as if she expected to see ZaiWin appear at her door, and Snow simply shook his head.
No. He had stayed behind, in their secret meeting.
“Oh, I see,” the nice woman breathed, obviously concluding the same thing. “Anyway. Want something to eat? We got some new flour today, so I went ahead and tried to bake a few new recipes. I even baked some cookies! Though they’re not too sweet,” she added with a grimace. “Sugar is a hard thing to come by, around here. And so we can only use fruits as sweeteners.”
It did sound interesting, Snow thought, and he did want to taste Rain’s cookies just … not now. Now he just wanted to go upstairs and get some sleep.
“Hum … maybe for breakfast tomorrow?” she suggested, trying her best to read his mood, and he nodded. “Okay, then. I’ll be sure to save some for you. Storm always gobbles down the entire lot, the moment she finds them. She’s still at the waterfall, with the rest of the men. They are trying to come up with a way to easily channel the water. So no one will disturb your rest.” She gave him a wink. “And I’ve readied a warm bath for you and some clean clothes. Feel free to use them.”
Snow nodded.
“Thank you,” he whispered and Rain’s dark eyes immediately came alive at finally hearing him say something.
“You’re very welcome. Now up you go. Wish you a pleasant night.”
Snow nodded again and pushed the curtain back, climbing the stone stairs all the way to the first floor.
The room was as warm and nicely scented, like the first day they’d arrived, with that soft flame burning in the fire-pit and the hot water releasing slow, perfumed vapors. The whole room had been cleaned, Snow immediately knew. The covers on the bed changed. Even though there were no windows the air felt fresh and comfortable, and easy to breathe. Much better than inside ZenTar’s stifling array.
Taking off his clothes, he neatly folded them on top of the bed and then reached back, touching his own bare skin, feeling around his back as best as he could.
He couldn’t feel anything, he thought. Anything but cool, smooth skin, and the strange feeling of something touching it, even though he knew it was his own hand. Unlike the front of his body, no one had touched his back for a very long time, he sighed, giving up on the whole effort. They had scrubbed him clean from time to time. But touch him gently, not since he’d lost Sand. And then that man had come along, freely touching him as he pleased. It had been really hard, getting used to it. It still felt … strange and uncomfortable.
Slipping into the hot water, he sighed and relaxed, but not for long. Though soaking in hot water was actually a very pleasant thing to do, he could never feel completely at ease, knowing he’d be in a disadvantageous position, sitting there, completely naked, without a single piece of clothing to cover himself. Though clothes obviously offered little to none in terms of protection, somehow he’d always felt more vulnerable and exposed, every time he was deprived of them or told to take them off.
After putting on his clean clothes, Snow stared at the large bed for a long moment. He should stop avoiding beds as if they were something evil, he knew, all too aware of how ridiculous his aversion really was. But, after a few moments of consideration, he happily decided that he’d leave conquering that limitation for another day and, pulling free one of the blankets, happily bundled himself in it and laid down on the hard, stone floor. Much better, he thought with a sigh. But, even though he felt clean, warm, and comfortable, his eyes remained open, staring sleeplessly at the dark wall right in front of him.
What did he want to do?
Since his mind had been cleared from the foggy haze where he’d lived most of his life, he had only wanted one thing. To be free to peacefully live his life. But, back then, he hadn’t known anything about who he was, about the Tien'Elhar.
He could wallow in self-pity, repeatedly asking himself why those horrible things only seemed to happen to him, but he refused to lose precious time with any of that. He’d learned a long time ago that it was no use questioning certain things. Things just happened. Life just happened. Good or bad, the only thing he could do was try his best to live through it. Besides, things could be much worse. In fact, they had been much worse.
For years he had been in a position where he couldn’t even decide what to eat, if he wanted to eat, or when to sleep, and so on. Now, at least, he was able to walk on his own two legs, he was able to breathe fresh air, he could see the world around him and meet other people, even though he didn’t really appreciate that last part all too much. He was well-fed, well-clothed, well-rested, clean, and, somehow, he had people worrying about his well-being, which was kind of strange.
He did not know if all these things would last for long. He did not dwell in such questions either. Hoping or expecting things to get better or to remain pleasant was a useless exercise. Because things just happened, just like that, suddenly and without warning, either because others willed it, or simply because things simply changed. Like his life had changed. Even his vision of the world had changed.
Somehow, now he did not feel as helpless as before, he thought, pulling his knees to his chest, holding the blanket closer to his neck. It was almost as if he had … a choice. He most certainly could try and make himself heard. ZaiWin had bossed him around about a lot of things, but he had never told him to be silent, quite the contrary. And anyway, it looked like, for now, he had no intention to kill him. Which meant Snow would probably survive, even if ZaiWin didn’t like what he had to say. So … what did he want to do?
His heart beating hard against his chest, Snow buried his nose in his warm blanket and closed his eyes.
How come it had become so hard to answer such an easy question?
He could easily list a million things he did not want to do, though. Especially now, after hearing them chatter an entire afternoon about what his life would be like from now on.
Before agreeing to that whole thing, ZenTar had said he wanted to hide him in a dark hole for the rest of his life, and Snow had been terrified at the mere thought of that. But now that he thought things through, it really didn’t need to be a dark hole, right? He could just go and live with those white-haired people, for example, he considered. Their prince had kind of hinted that he would be welcomed, and that he would be protected. And yet, the mere thought of that left his heart feeling so heavy that tears flooded his eyes.
The task of trying to understand the world around him, of trying to catch up with all the things he was supposed to know but that he didn’t have a clue about, hadn’t been easy at all. But right now nothing felt more difficult than trying to understand himself.
Indeed, self-introspection is good
Well, at least he's actually trying to think for himself