I won't get into much details, but I hope you will listen to my story.

When I was young, most people would consider me as normal. 

A normal middle-school girl.

I used to don glasses with wide circular rims, and barely hung out with my classmates. I did have a reclusive and shy personality after all. My hairstyle was neat, a plain tied ponytail, with no fashion sense at all, only rocking basic outfits like a plain white tee, and so forth. I was a so-called "nerd," if you will. The only "strong" point about me was my large chest, which did garner some attention from my classmates, but other than being teased about it, that really was the only memorable thing about me.

Frankly, I was fine with it. I'm not saying that I loved being alone or whatever, but rather that I enjoyed the peace and quietness that came with being just a normal girl.

So, living like this for the entirety of my life, I got comfortable.

There were other popular girls in my class, with amazing charisma and beauty, something that I would never be able to fathom.

They were friendly, easygoing, and had the looks to further complement with their relaxing atmospheres. That was the reason why they were so popular in the first place.

I would live in the shadows, while these girls would live in the spotlight.

That is what it should of been. And that's how it should of stayed as.

Yet...

Why...

Why me?

Out of all the thousands of girls that went to that school-

Out of all the girls that were way more popular and cuter than me-

Why,

The fuck,

Did you choose me?

.....

Whether its the classmates or people around me, or the teachers or even god itself, I accurse you, with all my heart and mind.

I will always remember the disturbing eyes that would prey on me every time I entered the classroom, the snickering and whispering behind my back, clawing at my mind, as my body continued to degrade day by day. The feeling of lurching everytime I remembered the man's- no... that fucking monster inch closer towards me with that outstretched hands, and my vision clouding as everything turns to that dark red-
The feeling of sweat and shivers each time I woke up in the dead of night, gasping for breath, biting my nails and shoving my head into the wall, trying to rip those memories out of my skull- The feeling of your heart just hammering slowly, as it accelerates each time I- When everything starts to crush you and all you feel is your lungs getting tighter and tighter and tigh-

.....I can't. I don't want to remember anything.

Was it because they were cuter than me?

That people wouldn't care about me even if you were caught in the end?

That I was easy prey?

.....

If that's so, then so be it.

-----

People around me started complimenting me. 

Whether it was my looks, my fashion sense, my personality, my grades-

That was all that mattered to them now. 

No longer was there the shy and solitary Chiaki, but just the enduringly loveable mature girl named Chiaki; An "idol" loved and admired by everyone.

Each time I put on the "mask," the more I lost my sense of who I truly am. 

Am I that introverted "nerd," or that charming "idol" that everyone praises?

Do I cuss all the time, with no filters without repercussions, or do I speak in a way that would captivate people?

Which is the lie? 

What is the lie?

The me now? Or the me before?

I don't know anymore.

I'm too tired to try anymore.

I don't want to try anymore.

Ahh... maybe I should just close my eyelids, and let it happe-

"It's fine you know? I like this version of you more anyways."

.....

Tell me, Isamu.

Did you realise how much that impacted me?

Those words may have just been a fleeting afterthought, something said with little effort or thought behind it, but it doesn't matter.

It was like everything weighing me down evaporated into thin air.

The anvil that used to press on my shoulders, the crushing sensation of my lungs, the muddiness that would cloud my vision and mind-

They all vanished with just those few words.

I finally could open my eyes once again.

But then, the realisation that you may find out about my past- that you would abandon me and close off your heart the moment you knew- I couldn't take it. I couldn't bear the thought of even a single chance of you finding out. Yet, the gnawing fear each time I talked with you would be overshadowed by the pure tranquility and comfort I got from just being myself overuled it.

That's why when you eventually found out, on that roof, on that day...

I didn't want to live anymore. 

I had no more reason to live.

You were the only reason that was keeping my fragile mind together, from breaking into pieces of glass.

Yet you-

.....

"To me, Chiaki is still Chiaki."

Haha... ha....

That's funny, why do I feel something hot and runny near my eyes?

Ahh... I'm crying, aren't I?

The tears fell off my cheeks and dropped onto Isamu's drowsy face. 

Moving my long bangs out of the way, I placed a small kiss on his forehead.

The sounds of the heart rate monitor continued to reverberate in the room.

The sound of Isamu breathing in and out, as the nitrous oxide gas is pumped into his lungs.

And the sound of me silently weeping, as I hold his cold hands in between mine.

Beep... Beep... Beep...

-----