6

Who Am I

“Jacob is that you?” Daniel asked, before shaking his head. “Who else would it be? Why are you dressed up like that?”

I stepped back, desperately wanting time to reverse back to just a minute ago when everything seemed alright in the world. Why didn’t I check if he was home, I asked myself. Daniel had been out and about for most of the week so I didn’t even expect him to be home today. Yet here he was, right in front of me, having just discovered my secret. I already got lucky once with Ryan’s reaction, but I wasn’t sure if Daniel would take it nearly as well.

“I can explain all of this,” I said. Truth be told, I had no way of explaining all of this, but my mind raced to formulate an excuse.

“Go on then,” he said, gesturing at me. “Let’s hear why my little brother is dressed up like a girl.”

“I lost a bet,” I said, my voice shaking and full of uncertainty. I knew it was a pretty terrible excuse, but that’s all my mind had to come up with.

“With who? You know if you’re getting bullied or forced into something you don’t want to do you can always tell me. I’m your brother, siblings help each other out.”

“Fine, I guess there’s no point in lying,” I said. “I’m just doing this because I like doing it.” My eyes welled up with tears. If Daniel was unsupportive, my life would crumble to pieces. He would tell our parents, and there was no telling how they would react. They would likely both be disappointed and keep me from dressing up ever again. They could throw out my clothes and makeup and force me to be more masculine, something I didn’t want to happen.

“Why do you like doing it though?” he asked, looking at me with concerned eyes. “I don’t think this is exactly a common hobby, to say the least.”

“I’m not sure,” I said. I really didn’t know, all my feelings conflicted with each other so much that it was hard to understand why I was crossdressing in the first place. At first, it was just because I found it interesting, but the more I did it the more it became. Now, I viewed dressing up as an integral part of me.

“But, there must be a reason, right?” he asked me.

“I think I might be transgender, Daniel,” I blurted out. My hand shot over my mouth in surprise, it was the first time I admitted that to somebody. The pressure had gotten to me, and my hidden thoughts just tumbled out of my mouth. It just all lined up, a lot of the feelings I had been feeling my entire life were far too similar to gender dysphoria to be dismissed.

I kept on trying to deny it, saying it was just a hobby. But the more time that passed the clearer it became to me that it was something more than that. I felt most like myself when I was dressed up. When I was Julie, rather than plain Jacob. I guess I could say I felt happiest as a girl. All the signs had finally made it undeniable. It had taken me a while to acknowledge it, but it was clear to me now. I was transgender, and that wasn’t something I could change.

“I can’t say this isn’t a surprise,” he said, biting his lip. “But that’s okay.”

“Wait, so you don’t mind?” I asked, blinking. I wiped the tears off my cheek as my breathing slowly stabilized in relief. I was expecting him to at least be slightly against the thought.

“Why would I?” he said. “It’s 2021, I wouldn’t judge you for something like that. You’ll always be my sibling, and I don’t mind if you’re my brother or sister.”

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. All I could do was stumble forwards and collapse into Daniel’s arms. I felt so relieved that he was okay with me being transgender. Another part of me was also relieved that I was finally able to figure out who I was. I stayed wrapped in a tight hug with my brother, some sniffles occasionally escaping me.

“It’s okay, Jacob,” he said. “Wait, no, you probably don’t want to be called that anymore, right? What should I call you?”

“Julie,” I replied. “It would be nice if you could call me that.”

“Of course, of course,” he said, letting me rest in the comfort of his arms. A few minutes passed in silence until I heard Daniel clear his throat and speak to me.

“You should probably change now,” my brother gently said. “It’s pretty late and Mom and Dad are going to be home soon. I don’t think they’ll approve of all this.”

“Okay,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes. “Thank you, Daniel.”

***

I was sitting on my bed when I heard the door open downstairs. The house immediately became livelier with the arrival of my parents, the home filling up with noise. I was dressed in a shirt and shorts, the dress hidden in the back of my closet. I buried my face in my hands, thinking about how they would react when I came out to them. Mom might be accepting after first struggling to understand it, but I knew Dad wouldn’t be happy with it at all.

“Hey, Jacob,” my Mom said, sticking her head into my room through the open door. “Do you want to help with the cooking? We’re going to have a family dinner for the first time in a while.”

“Sure,” I said, nodding. Cooking was always a hobby of mine, and I hoped it would bring me some solace. I made myself get up and made my way downstairs to the kitchen.

“Making Jacob help you with the cooking again?” my dad barked from the dining room. I could almost see him sigh and shake his head.

“Look, he’s a great help,” my mom said, putting a hand on her hip. “Maybe you should try making dinner sometimes if that’s how you’re going to act.”

Dad awkwardly stood up and made his way into the kitchen. He came up behind Mom and hugged her, speaking to her. “Dear, you know I appreciate you and what you do, I just wish we pushed Jacob in a different direction.”

“He’s been doing rather well lately, he’s joined a club, made some friends, and still has been keeping up with academics. I think it’s time we let him do what he wants,” my mom replied. She genuinely looked annoyed, and it was the first time she really stood up for me.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” he said, stepping back. He was probably just as surprised as I was to see her snap.

“All I’m saying is that I’ve seen Jacob happy and full of life for the first time in a while. I don’t see the point in pushing him to do sports or something he probably doesn’t even care about.”

“Okay, I suppose that’s fair.” my dad said as he bowed out. He returned back to his seat in the dining room to continue looking at his phone, ending the conversation there. It was clear he wasn’t that happy with the result of the conversation, but still wanted to respect my mom’s feelings.

“Okay,” my mom said, coughing in an attempt to get rid of the awkwardness that hung in the air.

“Thanks for that Mom,” I stuttered out. I felt that I needed to take this moment to appreciate what she just did for me.

“Of course, you’ll forever be my son and you don’t have to be forced into anything you don’t want to do,” she said, wrapping me in a tight hug.

My heart panged, making the moment bittersweet. I was glad she cared about me so much, but I didn’t want to be her son forever. I silently longed for her to call me her daughter. It was such a simple word that would mean so much for me to hear.

“Anyways, let’s get to cooking, shall we,” my mom said.

***

I sat at my desk searching for more information about being transgender and coming out to your parents when I heard a knock at the door. I quickly closed the tabs and turned to face the door. The door creaked as my dad slowly pushed it open. I was a little confused, dad wasn’t the type of person to come into my room very often. He usually left me alone unless there was something important.

“Let’s talk a little, Jacob,” he said. He closed the door and made his way to a seat on my bed, patting the empty seat next to him.

“Okay,” I said, a little nervous about what speech he would give me this time. I got up and sat down right next to him.

“Your mom told me you joined a club and made some friends?” my dad asked, staring at me with his piercing eyes. I looked away before responding.

“Yeah, it just sort of happened naturally.”

“That’s my boy,” he said, chortling happily. “What club is it?”

“The literary club,” I responded.

“Literary club, that’s not bad. I’m sure you don’t need it but it could help with your English.”

“I’m sure it would.”

“Listen, son,” Dad said. “There’s a local college basketball game coming up in a few days that I have two tickets to. Of course, I could always take Daniel, but I think it’s a good opportunity for us to bond. Good idea, don’t you think?”

“Ummm,” I said, looking away. I was hesitant at the idea, I had no intention of wanting to go to a sports game, it just wasn’t something I was interested in. “I’m not sure if that’s something I would like.”

“Come on,” Dad said, shifting his body towards me. “Why don’t you want to go?”

“I just wish you respected what I liked a little more,” I said. Ever since I was a kid, Dad would always push me toward his hobbies and interests while disregarding mine. While that worked with Daniel, it was clear I was different.

“I just feel disappointed that we can’t relate as much. I’m sure you’ll grow out of it and become more of a man sooner than later.”

“Look, Dad,” I said, my eye twitching slightly. “I’m not, and never will be, the ideal son you wanted. You seriously need to realize that.”

“You’re also going to eventually have to realize you’re a man,” Dad said, breathing in deeply. “That doesn’t mean you have to be as good at sports as Daniel, but you do have to man up.”

“Dad,” I yelled out, frustrated by his unwillingness to change his mind. “That’s not who I am. I don’t need to be this paragon of masculinity. I just want to be me.”

“You know what, never mind,” Dad sighed at me. “Let’s leave it at that, Jacob.”

Dad got up and left the room, leaving me stunned and alone.

***

I slept in, letting my eyes open themselves naturally at ten. I stretched as I got up out of bed, yesterday was an exhausting day, to say the least, and I was glad that it was over. It was Saturday so I had nothing planned and I could relax a bit. It was a little strange to finally be met by a peaceful day after the mess this week was, but I was glad to have it.

I spent my time on the weekend on the rather mundane. Finishing up my school work for the next week, completing homework for other students, and indulging in the few hobbies I had. I spent my free time cooking, baking sweets, and reading romance. For most, they weren’t the most exciting hobbies, but they kept me entertained enough.

Daniel and I didn't talk much despite the multitude of opportunities we had to sit down and have a conversation. If anything, I actually avoided him. I felt grateful that he was accepting yet it was so awkward to talk to him normally again after what had happened. On Sunday night, I was walking past his room to get downstairs when he called out to me.

“Jacob. No, sorry. Julie, we need to talk,” he said, gesturing for me to come inside his room.

“What is it?” I asked. I walked inside as he shut the door behind me.

“Well, ever since you told me that you were trans, you haven’t talked to me at all. It’s been so uncomfortable between us,” he said. “It’s been two days since we’ve exchanged a single word. I just wanted to see if everything was alright.”

“I don’t know,” I replied, rubbing one arm with the other. “It’s just difficult to talk after what I told you.”

“But I’m perfectly fine with it and I’m still your brother,” he said, his eyes containing a hint of pain in them.

“I know that, but still. I never really meant to come out to you, it happened because I was nervous. It just slipped out.”

He sighed in disappointment and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “So is this how things are going to continue between us now?”

“No,” I said. “I just need a little bit of time to get my head around things.”

“What are you going to do about all this in the future? If you’re planning on transitioning, that is, you are going to have to tell people.”

“I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know,” I said, my voice increasing in volume after each statement. “I’m not sure how mom and dad will react, how my friends will react, how the school will react. I’m so worried about so many things right now, and I don’t even want to think about them.”

Before I knew it, I was wiping a tear off my cheek. I didn’t realize just how many things I was concerned about that I had kept cooped up inside of me. I really was anxious about how my life would proceed from here, now that I was transgender. I longed for simpler times when I didn’t have to worry about all this. Now, my mind was constantly clouded with doubt.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Daniel said, he came close to me, wrapping me in a tight hug. “You already know if anybody gives you shit, you can tell me. I’ll always be here to protect my little sister.”

“I didn’t realize you’d be so supportive,” I said, sinking deep into his arms. I was genuinely surprised, my own prejudices taught me that athletes weren’t exactly the most supportive of people like us. Yet, the two people I was out to were both on the football team and as supportive as they could be. Despite my worries, my heart still jumped for joy at being called his sister.

“I’m disappointed you would think that,” he said, biting his lip. “Of course, I’d always be here for you, we’re family.”

“Mom and Dad might see it a different way when I tell them,” I said. “I’m not sure if they’d be all accepting just because we’re family. Dad actually got mad at me yesterday for not being masculine enough.”

“I know, I could hear it from my room,” he said, letting me loose from the hug. “I can’t do much to change how they’ll see it, but I’ll do my best to try and convince Dad that it’s alright. Hopefully, he’ll listen to me.”

“I suppose that’s the best you can do,” I said, rubbing my temple.

“Okay then,” Daniel said, opening the door for me. He rubbed the back of his head with one hand. “I just wanted to make sure everything was alright between us. You can talk to me again whenever you feel comfortable doing so.”

“Sure,” I replied. I made my way out the door and downstairs. I was planning on baking some brownies, but after that conversation, I was mentally exhausted. I collapsed down onto the couch and turned on the television. This weekend was really draining and I really needed some rest. I mindlessly watched whatever was playing, glad to have an opportunity to relax.

***

Before I even knew it, it was Monday again. I sighed as I stood in front of the school, holding my backpack close to me. I was going to have to do a lot here to be recognized for who I really was. But the first step towards acceptance was going to have to be speaking to Ryan.